I really think we need space for both truths at once:
Yes, a lot of women are scared of men for very real reasons. Violence, harassment, humiliation, trauma… these aren’t abstract concepts, they’re things people live through. And the phrase « not all men » has been used so often to shut women up instead of listening that it’s understandable people are tired of hearing it.
But at the same time, saying that masculinity itself, or being born a man, is inherently violent or morally corrupt doesn’t actually help us move forward. People aren’t born wanting to hurt others. Patriarchy is not a chromosome, it’s a system we’re all born into, and some people uphold it, while others actively try to unlearn it.
It’s possible to hold space for both of these things:
- Women’s fear, anger, and exhaustion are valid.
- And also, not every man is acting in bad faith, and generalize to an entire group won’t dismantle the system that causes the harm.
The real issue isn’t « men as a biological category ». It’s the system ( patriarchy ) that teaches domination, emotional repression, entitlement, shame, and then punishes anyone who refuses to follow the script. And yes, men who don’t unlearn it do perpetuate harm. But some are genuinely trying to unlearn it, even if they stumble or don’t always know how to show it.
This doesn’t mean they deserve applause. It just means that fighting patriarchy doesn’t require pretending every man is the same.
So if someone says « not all men », the question shouldn’t be what they’re saying, but why:
– Are they interrupting to make it about themselves and drown out women’s voices ?
– Or are they trying, maybe clumsily, to talk about how patriarchy affects them too, without denying anyone else’s pain ?
Because if it’s the second one, maybe that person isn’t the enemy, maybe they’re someone trying to dismantle the same system from another angle.
I’m not here to excuse men. I’m saying:
We don’t need to erase nuance to be angry. We don’t need to make generalisation to demand safety.
And honestly, I know I’ve reacted defensively in the past. I’m trying to get better at listening without turning it into « but not all men, not me ». I don’t always get it right, but I’m trying.
