#ldradvice

I know you may not want to take advice from someone who did not make it work, but I hope you all can understand why I wrote this. 

Like you said, this is just temporary! Make the most of it and relish in the fact that things will get back to normal soon :3

The golden rule of #LDRs if you spend all your time obsessing over what you don't have in the relationship rather than all the things you do you're just tearing yourself down and your relationship really won't last. Do you agree with this? #ldradvice #ldr #longdistancerelationship #ldrlove #motivation

-L

I'm updating today on my last ever commute home from my office. I'm leaving tomorrow, after eight years of working for the only organisation I've ever worked for. It's a surreal mixture of feelings. I'm particularly saddened to be leaving behind such a great team of people; people who I've come to see less and less as colleagues and more as friends and family. A lot has changed in these past eight years, but these people have remained an unwavering constant. To think that I might not have the opportunity to see them all again in the same circumstance is terribly upsetting. At times like these, it's important to keep your eyes facing squarely forward. I'm excited for everything that life has in store for me, and day-by-day I'm learning to care less about material wellbeing. To truly take a risk for something that means more to you than life itself has made me feel more alive than I have ever felt. I consider this to be my manifest destiny. But that positivity becomes harder to maintain day in, day out, when you're bogged down in the middle of a protracted process, fraught with delays and little communication. This feeling of manifest destiny - of this course of action being fated for me - was further compounded five or so hours ago. My initial emotions at having to leave my workplace, after eight years, were mainly ones of anxiety and nervousness, tinged with excitement - the thought of having to wait what felt like an inexcusable amount of time in Wales (though made better by the presence of my wife, who has a return ticket booked for March 2015) whilst U.S Immigration Services processed my I-130 petition for an immigrant visa; the possiblity of having to find work again to support ourselves during the stay, and - most prominently - the sheer dread of having to say goodbye to my wife again in an airport next year, are all factors that have certainly cast long shadows on what should have been an exhilerating time for me. It seemed like, for the most part, my colleagues were more excited by my leaving than I. "Aren't you counting down?", one colleague has been asking me, persistently. "Yes", I reply, "But I'm very anxious". For the past week, I've been staying with very close friends to see out my last week in work before moving on to my mother's in the Welsh coastal village of Penuwch. Today started just like any other day had this week. I woke early, readied for work, and as per usual, on my commute, I checked our I-130 case status online, alongside the reported processing times (based on user data) on Visajourney.com (I can't recommend that community enough). And just like every other day before it, since May of this year, there was no update. We were still stuck in limbo. I went about the rest of my day as usual. It was only on my lunch break after talking to an old colleague whom I don't happen to see often (and moaning about processing times, as I have been doing a lot recently) I decided to check our case again. Our petition had been approved, two weeks within timescale, after four and a half months of waiting. Several minutes of jumping up and down, swearing and punching the air followed. I calmed down enough to call my wife and tell her the good news before returning back to the office to share it with my colleagues, and attempt to do some final pieces of work. The most bizarre thing was the timing - a day prior to finishing my job, seconds after having talked to someone about the wait times. An e-mail notification followed later to confirm. And shortly thereafter, I came to a realisation. I won't ever have to say goodbye to my wife again. All that anxiety, doubt and dread floated away. We are by no means through with the immigration process as a whole, but we've made it through the most difficult - and most bloated - part of the process; and by not having to separate again, after five years, we've finally closed the distance for good. In knowing that, I can honestly say that this feeling, right now, is worth all the risk in the world.

I’m updating on my lunch break today, and I only get a half hour so I’m having to keep this post brief. I’m trying to scarf down my salad and type at the same time. When I’m finished at the office, I’ll be heading to the gym, and then home. I’ll shower, make dinner, prepare my clothes for tomorrow, and then I’ll go to bed and FaceTime my wife, who should be home from working in Reno. These are commonplace things that have become part of my every day for the past two years or so. Today, for all intents and purposes, feels just like a typical day. In the background, silently, the cogs of the immigration process are turning somewhere. We’re now into our fourth month of having our petition for an immigrant visa for a spouse (known as a CR1 visa) processed; it remains in initial review, with one month remaining until it’s outside of USCIS processing timescales (see Post #2 for a brief overview of this stage of the immigration process). I have three weeks and change remaining in my job. I’m still sleeping on a mattress and living in a sea of boxes. The overarching problem with setting out to document the immigration process - to keep an interesting blog, updated regularly, and the main issue with the immigration experience itself is that so little happens on a daily, weekly and even monthly basis that there’s practically nothing to write about. If you’re considering closing the distance with your long distance partner - prepare for tedium. This past Saturday, I woke late, which I think was well deserved. I sleep very little most weekdays, so typically, I won’t get up until around 11:00am. It’s almost like I save up all of my lost sleep in the week and take it on Saturday morning, when I don’t have to go to the office. My brother had asked whether I wanted to go into town with him to go shopping, followed by a gym session. I thought about it for a while, and then declined in favour of watching Netflix in my pyjamas. He came home at around 4:00pm to find me asleep. I didn’t awake again until 7:00pm. Across twenty-four hours, I slept a total of seventeen hours, roughly. The inactivity - the complete lack of any action being taken, for months and months on end, has quite inevitably led to a detrimental impact on my motivation; something that’s further compounded with the fact that my wife isn’t around at the moment, and that I can’t visit Texas whilst my immigrant visa is processing (I’d rather avoid the nightmare of proving to Customs and Border Patrol that I intend to return home to England). I’m finding it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. I’m finding it difficult to drag myself to the gym most days. I’m finding it difficult to enjoy myself. It’s the embodiment of the frustration of knowing that my entire life is going to change, that I have a million exciting things ahead of me, but not knowing when that change will come; and in the meantime, having to manage my day-to-day existence, which feels like it hasn’t changed at all for the majority of my adult life. In short - I’ve entered Limbo. What this invariably led to was significant time spent devising ways to keep myself motivated in the short-term until my plans come to fruition. A lack of motivation on my part, especially at this stage, could cause further complications in the long run. Here’s an example. I’ve talked about the gym a lot so far in this post, specifically because my wife and I intend to have a second wedding/renewal of vows/celebration this year on our first anniversary. We eloped when we married in New Orleans, meaning our families weren’t present, and we wore every day clothing. We wanted to be able to have the full experience of a traditional wedding, and to share that experience with our families and friends. Keeping in shape for this, though it may seem trivial, is high on my priority list. I also have responsibilities in my career that can’t be neglected simply because the will to fulfil them isn’t there. Reminding myself of the consequences of not remaining motivated at this stage is tremendously helpful, but not a particularly positive motivator. So I looked for a positive motivator, and reminded myself of my ultimate goal - being able to wake up next to my wife every morning - which fuels me to keep pushing forward, and to strive for happiness. One technique I’ve found incredibly useful is writing down a list of my goals; it’s a potent way of making sure they stay in the forefront of my mind. The only thing that keeps me from those goals is time. To manage time, I have to have patience. Finding ways to enjoy myself by doing things I’m passionate about relieves the boredom of everyday life, and helps me to fill that time up. Hence, I’m writing this blog post today, which in itself is a cathartic act. Finally, I have to be realistic in my outlook. I’m not going to get everything that I want straight away. I have to avoid unrealistic expectations of when things are going to happen, such as the visa approval, and remind myself that with each passing minute on the clock, each calendar day crossed off, I take another step out of Limbo.

As I’ve outlined in previous posts, the biggest factor in whether your long distance relationship will be successful is how often you communicate. If, like me, you lead a busy lifestyle, finding the time to stay in touch with your loved one can become a challenging task - something that you have to plan for, or find the opportunity in your day to do. Fortunately, with modern technology in today’s connected world, spending time together, messaging or talking is something that can be done in practically any location, at little or no expense (other than your standard cellular data charges). Communicating is something my wife and I manage to do very, very well, and, although she isn’t constantly present, it’d be fair to say I spend more time conversing with her on a daily basis than anyone else. With this in mind, I thought I’d share a small review of some of the tried and tested methods of communication we’ve used over the years to keep in touch - whether at home, or on the go. Please note, most of the applications mentioned will be iOS-based, but I imagine that there will be analogous apps for other operating systems. Call Applications If you’ve been in a long distance relationship for a while, you’ll know that straight calling your partner, either through your mobile network provider or home telephone, can lead to outrageously huge bills - especially if the relationship is international. Therefore, using an app that allows free phone calls is a much more preferable way of being able to pick up the phone at any time. Currently, Apple devices can utilise FaceTime audio, but we prefer the free call and messaging app Viber for our calls - it’s consistently reliable, simple to use and completely free to download. There are however two downsides - it must be installed on both phones to work (which I admit, Skype has an edge on) and, like all the apps in this article, will utilise network data if you’re not connected to WiFi. Ensure that your current mobile service plan has a big data allowance, and, if not, consider upgrading. At present, I have a 5GB monthly allowance and I’ve never managed to exceed this and incur further charges, however, I avoid using Viber unless connected to a WiFi network - that means I tend to call my wife at the end of my working day when I arrive home. Text Messaging Applications Text messages are the mainstay of how most people communicate these days - they require minimal time and effort, are discreet, and are a good way of checking in with your partner throughout the day; however, as I’ve pointed out in a previous article, patience is required if messaging is used a lot of the time as a different meaning than intended can often be derived by the other person, as body language and tone of voice can’t be read. Again, applications that use cellular data are much more preferable to those that go through your network provider - such as What’sApp, Viber’s messaging facility, and iMessage, however, the killer app in our relationship has always been Avocado. Designed specifically for couples, it operates like an intimate, mini social network for just you and you partner and allows the exchange of messages, pictures, video, calendar dates and lists, alongside alerts when your partner’s battery is close to dying. There are some drawbacks - the free version of the app has a limit on video length and number of photos that can be stored in your joint gallery, but the other features more than make up for this. As I said, this is the most common way that I communicate with my wife throughout the day - whether I’m commuting to the office or at the gym. Voice Memoes They can be often overlooked, but voice memoes are a great way of letting your partner hear your voice when they’re not able to make it to the phone. In the early days of our relationship, my wife and I would often exchange voice memoes with each other whilst the other was indisposed - for example, at the office or asleep to wake up to - and makes a pleasant change to be able to hear pitch, pace and tone, rather than having to construe these from a simple text message. Most smartphones now come with voice recorders pre-installed, and Apple’s does the job just fine - I’ve never had the need to look for a better one. Although we don’t do this as often, I will occasionally leave my wife a voice memo for when she wakes up in the morning - it makes a nice change from a text. Video Chat Applications Video chat is absolutely essential in that it is the closest that you can approximate physical presence with each other when apart. There are plenty of applications out there that are more than adequate - FaceTime being our favourite - which should be installed and used as often as possible. We ensure that we spend at least an hour a day minimum when we’re both available using video chat; even if we’re not talking and both doing our own thing, it’s nice to feel as though we’re doing it in the same room. If you can’t commit to being at home, mobile applications are available, but as above can become expensive if you don’t have a sufficient data allowance as part of your cellular service plan. If being at home consistently is going to be an issue for one or both of you, consider spending the additional money to get yourself a larger or even unlimited data allowance, and ensure you make the time in your day for a video chat. This is typically the last thing I do with my day, immediately before I go to sleep - saying goodnight in person really can't be beaten. There are other options at your disposal, such as e-mail (and even snail-mail), which can be used to make sure you’re communicating effectively, but we’ve found the methods described have been more than adequate in making sure we survive the time we have to spend apart from each other. Remember, the key is how you use these methods smartly throughout your day to maximise how often you communicate without having to compromise on your own activities - it’s easy to forget sometimes that we have our own lives to lead in the meantime.