#lasgen

*Lasgen’s turn*

Kidnapper: we have your daughter.

Thranduil: no, you don’t.

Kidnapper:

Kidnapper: y-yes, we do.

Thranduil: no, you don’t. Have a good day. *hangs up phone*

Kidnapper: wh- *incoherent screaming*

————————————————-

*Lirion’s turn*

Kidnapper: take him back!

Thranduil, having just picked up the phone: no.

Kidnapper: please, he’s talking about how he would cut us open to see how our organs move!

Thranduil: well, maybe you shouldn’t have kidnapped him then.

Kidnapper: oh god, now he’s talking about genetically altering us so our children look like blob fish-

Thranduil: calm down, he hasn’t gotten to the stage where he’s threatening to go back in time and wipe your entire family line from existence yet. You have time.

Kidnapper: he’s going to what?!?

—————————————————

*Kleoyia’s turn*

Thranduil: *dials a number*

Kleoyia: *picks it up as she’s grabbing a knife* oh hey, ada!

Thranduil: a little birdy told me you had been kidnapped.

Kleoyia: that? Oh, yeah, but then i got bored and decided to switch our places.

Thranduil: ah, ok. Be home by dark and tell me what you’ve got out of them when you’re back.

Kleoyia: gotcha! *hangs up*

Kleoyia, pointing a knife at the tied up kidnappers who are crying: oh don’t cry, i have a feeling we’ll get to know each other very well.

—————————————————-

*Legolas’s turn*

Kidnapper: we have your son.

Thranduil: uhuh.

Kidnapper: we want-

Legolas: *muffled through the phone* Tell him i’m not filling out paperwork for getting kidnapped!

Kidnapper, to legolas: Hey! Shut it!

Legolas: oi! I’m not taking responsibility for your mistakes!

Kidnapper, to accomplice: i thought i told you to gag him!

Accomplice: i did!

Kidnapper: well clearly not good enough seeing as he’s still speaking! Now, THIS is how you gag some- where did he go?

Accomplish: *starts screaming*

Kidnapped: *SCREACHING* IT’S A GODDAMNED DEMON- WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?!

Thranduil:

Thranduil and his (dead) identical twin sister Miriel

Lasgen and her (forever parted) twin brother Ingwe

The Therinde line being choke-full of twins, yet the Noldo and many elves not realizing bc they were only ever able to meet the half that survived.

The “desperately hiding in a dark, hidden corner, hoping and praying that your pursuer doesn’t find you while desperately trying not to make a sound” hits a little too close to home, reminding them of their elfling days at lake cuivienen where one of the first things the adults taught the children was where and how to hide.

Hide and seek was actually a game invented by the adults to teach the children how to stay hidden in case there were unwanted beings nearby, without causing to much alarm in the kids.

Legolas didn’t know how he got into this situation. He doesn’t know how he ended up in Imlardis, practically begging Lord Elrond to take his dad back because Maglor would. Not. Stop. Wailing. 

He would like to blame Lasgen for the problem. But then he’d have to blame every single elf that was on her squad when they were doing a routine check up. And then he’d have to blame all the elves who had a hand in healing Maglor, and all those who agreed to keep maglor in Mirkwood. And his father because, elf who gave birth to him or not, Thranduil was a little shit who had no problem putting his kids into the line of fire.

All to say that everyone had a hand in what lead up to the current situation of Legolas trying not to loose his mind over the pure bullshit fate liked to spit at the Silvans.

Akami help him, he was to sober for this.

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I suppose we should go back a few months in order to explain exactly how we ended up here.

It was a standard routine survey of the coasts of Middle Earth, simply to see if there was anything the silvans needed to keep an eye on in addition to Sauron and his bullshit, and some of the Avari sects that the Silvans didn’t have an alliance with. 

Being a silvan was hard, don’t let the Noldor tell you otherwise.

Lasgen, oldest child of King Thranduil, was leading the party at a steady pace along the beach. The sun was shining, the wind was a nice breeze, it was fucking hot but you wouldn’t be able to tell just by looking at the scene.

And the narrator is sleep deprived so if the narration doesn’t make any sense, she doesn’t care. I assure you.

Where was i? Oh yes. The weather. It was horrible, but Lasgen and her warriors kept on moving. And eventually,

Eventually, they came across a mound of ratty hair, scrappy cloth, and dried up seaweed that stunk more than a skunk with diarhea. Lasgen was debating simply ignoring the offensive smelling mound or practising some civic duty by shoving it into the ocean or burning it when an unintelligible garble rose from the pile. She supposed that it could sound fagually like a song, if you took ten steps back, cocked your head, closed your eyes, a payed attention to only every second note. 

Grimacing, she brought the group to a halt before disembarking from her horse and slowly approaching, trying desperately not to inhale anywhere near the abomination.

She grabbed a stick and poked at the pile. One poke, two poke, three poke. Groan. 

Ok so there was definitely something alive under all the ratty scraps.

She held her breath before quickly reaching forward into the pile and yanking at the solid mass in the center.

An. elf. 

There was an akami forsaken elf. In a pile of such disgusting stench it made horse poop smell nice. 

How was there an elf there? Why was there an elf there? Surely they would have at least managed to keep themselves moderately clean or in contact with one of the elven settlements. They weren’t even that far from the nearest one, surely they would have been able to make it to the harbors if they tried.

Wait.

Wait.

WAIT.

An elf. Near the ocean. Looking like the gods themselves went out of their way to trash him. Making weird gargling noises that could, barely, pass for music.

Finwe: …

Lasgen, who’s gotten more siblings in the last 2 millennia, than in the 4 before that: Oh c’mon, Ada, not again!

Lirion: Does anyone know who the sperm donor might be?

Hell, Oropher and his wife, Cloudryad, lived apart for almost 4000 years, the entirety of the time Oropher was in Doriath, because they disagreed on how much they should get involved with the ainur.

And when Oropher came back, their relationship was still as steady as a rock.

It’s not that their solitary creatures. In fact, most of them are rather extroverted, it’s just that they don’t need to constantly maintain their relationship with each other in order to have a good relationship.

In fact, while Lasgen tends to stick to her home base most of the time, her wife, Oasis, is very much a wanderer that travels all over the globe, doing what she will, and it’s not that uncommon for her to only come back once every few decades. Though there are definitely times they spend years together without fail.

Kleoyia and Legolas also have a more nomadic life style, which is partially due to their jobs. Kleoyia travels all over the get information, and legolas is sent everywhere where there’s a problem that needs fixing.

Lirion will only travel somewhere if it’s necessary for whatever he’s experimenting with at the time, and Thranduil might as well be one with the forest, for all that he does not leave unless it’s for political reasons.

Cloudryad looks so small, but she’s one of the only ones to have a normal height.

Oropher is a tall boy, and only slightly shorter than his nephew elwe.

Miriel and thranduil are identical twins, except thranduil’s trans so of course they’re the same height.

Lasgen somehow being the exact height of her father was interesting.

Lirion got some of those oropher genes, though not enough to break 7ft.

Kleoyia’s still resonably tall for most people, but she’s on the shorter side of the family.