#kylion

Hi so this is an apology letter kinda This is stupid but I have bpd. That means I'm a monster. I have the devil illness where I can turn into a monster at any minute. People have often described people who have borderline personality disorder as soulless, apathetic, vindictive, pure evil, heartless... It's horrible and I hate that I can turn insecure and rebellious, vindictive, jealous, hateful, manipulative, and I can turn into a terrible person at any second. I wish I didn't have this. I really really am empathetic and I love all of those I'm close to so much. I love them so much and I'm sorry about how ugly I can be I wish it could stop. I feel everything so intensely. I feel love and depression and fear so fully. I love all of my friends so so much. I am sorry I turn ugly so quickly. But because of this I feel emotions so intensely. I feel love and happiness so strongly. When I'm happy I am so happy. I do feel good things and I am so so glad that I have this in a way because I feel emotions so strongly, even if the bad ones are more common, I feel love and happiness and beauty so fully that sometimes when I'm happy I feel like I'll never be sad again. All I can see is beauty and love. Everything is beautiful. The world is so beautiful and nothing hurts. It's calm and I can breathe and be friendly and I feel happiness so intensely that I can't sleep for days at times. It's almost worth the pain. It's not but sometimes it feels like that. This hurts so much. I hate who I turn into. How I dissociate and all I can see is red. I hate that I can be okay one minute and start to scream and punch things and hurt myself the next. I hate that sometimes I can't stand to be in my body so much that I dissolve out of it and I have stupid out of body experiences. I hate how I'm not in control and how the only ways I can feel in control are self destructive. I hate that I either eat everything or nothing for days straight, I either scream and cry or I stay silent for days, I hate that I can't do anything normal. It's either black or white. It contributes to my eating disorder and everything else that's going wrong with my brain. I love everyone I'm close to. I don't mean to be like this. I love you all so much and I am so sorry.