more make up

perfect your laugh, perfect your smile

less clothes

lose the extra weight

just a little. just a bit more. just until you're finally..

i carved myself down like a bar of soap

smaller. smoother. easier to hold.

until what remained wasn't even me,

just the ghost of a girl worn thin by her own wanting

to be wanted

and they looked

of course they looked

and then they found someone prettier

and looked at her instead

beauty is a religion

and i was its most devoted follower

i bled for it willingly. i called it discipline. i called it almost there.

but beauty is not a destination

it's a debt that compounds

the more you pay, the more you owe

and you are so tired but oh you cannot stop

because stopping means being invisible again

and invisible was worse

so you start over

you always start over

on your knees. still bleeding. still devoted. still not enough.

just a girl who disappeared

trying to become the kind of pretty

that makes people stay

begging and begging and begging to be seen

and still. still. feeling like nothing.