#kurdt

he was probably the coolest while also the most reserved and sad looking person i knew. obviously i didn't know him personally but looking at videos and photos confirmed. his words spoke to a sad 14-15 years old me. i was unable to figure out the world but somehow understood his words. the excruciating pain, the addiction, the loneliness, the isolation. what did i know back then to understand him?

several years later i could whole-heartedly say i did and still do understand him. i knew what he went through. because i do want to shoot heroin up my veins everyday to make the pain stop, to silence the noise, and to then set fire on things everyone loved. and i also do want to shoot myself in the head with a giant shotgun while high on drugs after i came out of the hospital because of overdose. well that's all i had known of him. and he looked very cool smoking cigarettes, angry, lonely, high, shy, misunderstood, highly-expected and anticipated. then he decided to off himself because he was overwhelmed. it was all i knew and uhhh aspired to be. the 27 club.

he was also honest and raw. he screamed his pain for others to enjoy, or to relate. it was vivid but very dark.

that was before recent discovery in which it might be confirmed that he was murdered. apparently not because of the heroin and the bullets through the noggin to his willing. oh well. it felt quite peculiar to accept in a way. for years there were already spread conspiracy theories that he was murdered by his wife. but all i wanted to believe was he was a depressed loner and decided to end it all.

anyway, i'm still here and i couldn't join the club he was unknowingly participated. as sad as it was, it's even sadder now that he was actually taken advantage of by people around him. dammit he was miserable already. he did want to leave but in ways of what he preferred and prepared. maybe his battle would be more justified and honoured. well he went with a bang regardless.

happy your unalive month! forever in debt to your priceless advice❤️