#knowing self

Wrote a play about agender charatars at 16, thought I invented a new consept about how I wish things were. Identified as a “Macho Female”. Hated my breasts from age 13. Wished I was like Buck Angel at 14. Discovered I am genderqueer/NB at age 23.

Fell in love with a girl at 11, was heart broken for 2 years, but also had like 5 boyfriends at the same time. Discovered I am bi at age 15 (and 18, and 23…). Discovered I am poly at 23.

Wrote a story with a character (sort of self insert) with very clear autustic, almost textbook case, traits at age 18. Other characters in stories are also very autistic, including stories from age 14 and younger. Knew nothing about autism, though. Discovered I am autistic at age 25.5.

Share Your World, March 29, 2021

Participating in this week’s Share Your World from Sparks from a Combustible Mind. What is knowledge? What a question for a retired college professor! I once told a student who wondered why I got paid but he had to do the work (yeah, weird, right?) that the product he was buying from me was knowledge, the ability to think and solve problems with information gathered from reliable sources. My…

Walks that talk to spirits loud exuding truths ancient and mystic breathing wishes of social dissidence that enhances civilizations to greatness

There are walks that bask in light brilliant smiles upon aisles of wanders deep within contentment as they move to new distinct views of landscapes renewed

Walks that talk to sparks full of giving to hearts needing singing in voices tranquil as the next step is masked in lengthy tasks to nations who never ask and thank with attitude lingering

There are walks that harken to a darkness that consumes and uses and abuses till the end is a dream needed and fulfillment a scheme devious

Walks of shadow and disaster that move and creep along as steps linger too long and there is dispare upon every leaf dropped as dew to hew the meaning from tranquil scenes to drive a distant disturbed means

Walks are the uniqueness that dwells within

The truth of the hue that we breathe satisfying complex need

There are things uniquely sacred and serene

Can you believe in the self that you are or will you walk a path foreign just to please an outer existence stale and soon forgotten

Lacking in nourishing substance

Feeding an outer shell and forgetting that most precious inner self

Walk the walk of peace held deep

Horns blaring to tunes discordant abuse my soul as my flesh becomes whole

Do you have memories of diamond and gold too cold to hold to hot to believe still waiting to be seen

Do you know the truth enshrined in welded moments of fate strung time that define the truth of you as you glimpse through veiled innuendo assumption and definition untrue

Your hue is caramel bliss dipped in the raw sugar of lived wonder encrusted in the nourishing decadence of that eternal slumber

Wake to see the wholeness of the well dense in jewel studded brilliance

Know how you truly are as you embark to meet the next mark to gather up the needed sparks to continue your journey pure and embrace your internal hue

That is the secret of the meaning in the definition of the gentle breeze that awakens young glistening things from infinite sleep just to be

Do you want to see

Will you believe

Are you ready to be complete

Don't deny what dwells inside just to please disaster as it multiplies before the naked eye

Trying to give meaning to all who behold without regard to explanation already written on the soul

You are a continual being living learning evolving within dissident notions ebbing and flowing as vast oceans

And here I sit dwelling within my own bliss as the thorns prick

The sting is the breath acknowledging the life of my own unique core washing my meaning to each corner and crevice of my being

Desperately needing me to witness acknowledge and believe it

Do you perform the same infinite dance as your meaning clings and grasps

Hold it tight in your clamming hands

As the perspiration marks some internal note of desperation and you seek to see seemingly unknown things that have distinct familiarity