#kittykiddy

I have been trying lately to understand myself. Specifically my transgenderness.

Throughout multiple different books and old photos I've found that I had a disdain for boys. Not exactly strange for girls to feel, but a but stranger for trans boys to feel. At least for what I've seen.

So I've tried to understand how this even happened. But in more specifics than just: puberty.

That's not even a good enough explanation for me.

I mainly felt this distance and difference between girls and boys. It didn't always make sense to me, but I felt a disdain for it. And then a distain for boys.

It bothered me that we were different, it didn't really make sense.

I only drew girls a majority of the time.

I did draw boys who were in my family, but that was all.

I did draw one of my bullies. I have a habit of crushing on my bullies. And that could just be the general love I hold for a person, but I doubt it. The rule doesn't always follow as I've seen lately.

Either way, I found his dressing style interesting. It was completely different from mine.

Black white and red. Paint splatters, tight jeans.

But. I remember liking it. Which confused me.

I wore bright colors only. Skirts with leggings, and sparkly shoes.

But, I still liked this. I had a fleeting moment of liking it, but quickly left it behind.

When me and my brother watch a feminine show together, I felt like it brought real unity.

Unity being had outside of the feminine didn't really make much sense to me.

The times I had interest in the masculine, I felt off-color. It wasn't really something for me to do.

I would ignore certain items out of distrust with them. This would happes sometimes with videos as well.

This wasn't connected to things being masculine or feminine, just based on a general fear of things i was unsure of.

I never truly felt like a boy back then. But, it's not like much of my mental focus was on any of that.

I feel like I had a thinking block. There was only but so far my brain could go.

It bothers me.

Because I want there to be more. But there really isn't.

I didn't live life that way. I lived life waiting to die.

So certain things and feelings were unimportant.

I should have lived before this.

But I was too scared.

I feel like ive run out of time. And things I should have done already. I've never even tried.

I never acted like I should have.

I should have been a person more.

It feels bad starting so late.

I didn't do it right.

But it would hurt more. Knowing if I had acted human before.

When I sit down with jeans on I start poking the pencil through them. I've been doing that since I was little.

Jeans used to be really bad for sensory wise. I refused to get them from stores. But I've come around to them now.

There's always the possibility that they were getting me the most uncomfortable Jean's possible without knowing.

With other pants I try to get rid of the lint and holes start appearing since I'm actually just un-sewing the pants at that point. (Yesterday)

Sometimes my pants will just rip for no reason. Today they ripped. My leggings.

And I have jeans my mom gave me, and those ripped as well.

A lot of my clothes are old. I just don't really get new ones unless I ask or if I end up seeing some thing I really want.

And even then I don't ask for it.

I've never liked asking for things that I want.

For some reason my parents seem to believe that I am unaware. A lot of people do actually. But other times it switches around that I'm intelligent. And so I don't really understand which it is. My parents will tell me that I'm smart, but also believe I won't understand something that I absolutely do.

Its probably because I keep everything inside.

I purposefully didn't ask for this shirt I wanted. In 5th grade the sequined shirts that flip colors and pictures became popular. I wanted one, but I noticed the price and didn't end up asking for it until the trend died down. But I didn't care and I got them anyway.

My mom tried to explain that I should just ask for things and not worry about the price, but I knew better.

I still have my dinosaur sequin shirt. I've worn it to school multiple times.

I still have a lot of my old clothes. I just don't want to get rid of them. Even if they don't fit. I just want my stuff.

Oh wow a picture

For me I would always make it a fun game to add my late older brother to my drawings as something to find

I thought about being a kid a lot and how much time I had to enjoy it.