#kittykiddy

For me I would always make it a fun game to add my late older brother to my drawings as something to find

I thought about being a kid a lot and how much time I had to enjoy it.

And, one in particular goes with my transition.

I had a strong aversion for anything masculine.

It scared me to a certain degree, but moreso felt out of place in the world to me.

I had a very strict worldview I think. I mostly only drew feminine characters outside of when I'd draw family.

My brother had some interest in playing dolls with me and we would watch my little pony together.

I felt like it made him more human almost.

Anyone who couldn't be feminine freaked me out. I would try to see everyone as girls

Like girls where the only humans almost

I did have interest in the movie cars, but because it was something me and my brother shared with each other I felt like it was okay.

No one told me or led me to feel like this, I just had.

There were certain things I didn't allow myself to see.

I had interest in other medias reserved for boys, but I never asked for anything like that when I wanted to because I just didn't think I should.

I didn't want to poison state of myself or change it too much. I just wanted to stay the same.

So I missed out on a lot of things that I probably would've liked

One of my friends has an interest in Bendy and the Ink Machine, and Five Nights at Freddy's. And while I thought it was interesting I never allowed myself to get interested or watch many videos related to it.

This happened with multiple different topics. I would see something I was interested in, and always avoid the videos because I felt like the topic didn't fit with the rest of me.

This lasted until 6th grade when I had been shattered and it became too difficult to fit myself into my regular mold.

I still sometimes try to go back and remember really what it felt like, because for so long it felt beneficial to me.

But it no longer works. It feels like a trap, like a prison.

I think this all occurred in part due to Christianity.

My only plan for myself was to die and go to heaven. And it's not as if I didn't see a future for myself.

I did, but it wasn't as strong as my want for heaven.

I had things I wanted to do and things I wanted to be. But if given the option I knew I'd choose to die because I could always see myself in good standing.

If I kept myself the same way, I'd never have to worry about turning to the wrong side. The easiest way for me to do so was to stay feminine and not stray away from it.

So it meant I wouldn't take risks with things that might send me away. It's why I didn't do much with Bendy, since he's an ink demon. And when I came to horror I kept away from it too.

I'm very fortunate I didn't consider insects and animals masculine. But it was mainly because they were God's creations.

If I could start over again, I would let myself venture out more and sometimes forget I would Christian. It definitely would have changed my personality.

But I think that's okay. Living life with such a rigid identity really wasn't hard until it was challenged.

When I went into middle school my environment had changed drastically. My previously school was an arts elementary school so I felt much more free. Being a girl there was majority a haven.

But my middle school was far less forgiving.

In elementary school I had a period of time where I tried to assimilate and be more like the girls who had become more (cool), however I found myself returning to my more consistent and safe form.

I found difficulty in doing that at my middle school. I was feeling very attacked in all I did.

I kept trying to go back to my old self but I very quickly grew depressed and tired.

I didn't really have heaven to lean on anymore because in my eyes I was always sinning.

I considered myself bisexual and that was a sin.

So I really wanted to die. I couldn't see myself not being that way. The way that was outside of my old self (even though I was definitely like that when I was younger too). It felt like a betrayal.

I still only wanted to go to heaven, but eventually I started to make outs for myself.

Like trying to ask God to let me live for a certain amount of time only to be sinful and then let me change back later.

I wasn't really being reasonable, but I also wasn't in a state to be.

I was just eating a cookie, and some of it got stuck in the back of my mouth.

So I started to kind of choke it back up, and I had to tell myself to stop verbally so I didn't do that.

I wonder if that was kitty, because that's how we used to eat food.

Like a cow

I don't do this a majority of time anymore. I find it strange I did that.

Now my chest is kinda hurting >_<

I have been trying lately to understand myself. Specifically my transgenderness.

Throughout multiple different books and old photos I've found that I had a disdain for boys. Not exactly strange for girls to feel, but a but stranger for trans boys to feel. At least for what I've seen.

So I've tried to understand how this even happened. But in more specifics than just: puberty.

That's not even a good enough explanation for me.

I mainly felt this distance and difference between girls and boys. It didn't always make sense to me, but I felt a disdain for it. And then a distain for boys.

It bothered me that we were different, it didn't really make sense.

I only drew girls a majority of the time.

I did draw boys who were in my family, but that was all.

I did draw one of my bullies. I have a habit of crushing on my bullies. And that could just be the general love I hold for a person, but I doubt it. The rule doesn't always follow as I've seen lately.

Either way, I found his dressing style interesting. It was completely different from mine.

Black white and red. Paint splatters, tight jeans.

But. I remember liking it. Which confused me.

I wore bright colors only. Skirts with leggings, and sparkly shoes.

But, I still liked this. I had a fleeting moment of liking it, but quickly left it behind.

When me and my brother watch a feminine show together, I felt like it brought real unity.

Unity being had outside of the feminine didn't really make much sense to me.

The times I had interest in the masculine, I felt off-color. It wasn't really something for me to do.

I would ignore certain items out of distrust with them. This would happes sometimes with videos as well.

This wasn't connected to things being masculine or feminine, just based on a general fear of things i was unsure of.

I never truly felt like a boy back then. But, it's not like much of my mental focus was on any of that.

I feel like I had a thinking block. There was only but so far my brain could go.

It bothers me.

Because I want there to be more. But there really isn't.

I didn't live life that way. I lived life waiting to die.

So certain things and feelings were unimportant.

Recently I went on a trip with some people from chorus who got into a choir.

We had a nice time with one another and one night shared our traumas.

I don't really know how we got there, but somehow we had.

Listening to everyone I could hear the abuses they went through and the life that had to endure.

It was hard to hear and at times shocking.

Once it got to me, I wasn't sure what I should and should say. In some aspects, there are things I absolutely could share, so they could gain a better understanding of me.

But at the same time, I think about what's at stake.

My mom has a job in the school system. There are standards that feel they need to be upheld

It makes it hard to just live life.

I didn't tell them all that much. Just a few things about my parents and older stillborn brother. Nothing "incriminating".

So I didn't really feel any sense of relief..

I thought of telling them I'm transgender, and how that went, but it was too hard.

So many people look up to my mom as a mother figure, I didn't want to possible crush dreams or wreck her image, so I stayed silent on it.

Plus they were all sophomores/freshmen, and I'm a senior.

It didn't seem reasonable to do.

I feel this way often

So many things go unsaid to not wreck the image of our family. I feel like I'm ruining things by choosing to be myself. And be truly alive.

Living feels like a mistake almost. For a while I convinced myself a life in filth would be better for everyone. Even if I lost my partner.

I would still have my mind and my family there to keep my company. Occupy myself from death.

It was a horrible way to think back then. And even though I don't any longer, the pain still lingers from it.

I feel like a mistake sometimes. I always used to say I regret myself.

I don't understand why I changed.

Why 'we' got broke up. It distresses me.

I can barely tell the truth about my life.

My mom wants me to be excited to see myself and my family in a magazine, and all I can think about is the half truths on the paper..

I used to have a hello kitty puppet as a child. I loved to use it. It was really fun.

Cookie also started to use a puppet after living with Mama for a while.

It is a sock puppet with fake fangs attached.

Within the last year and mid way the year before, Cookie also acquired a black glove to use with his sock puppet.

Non graphic

CW: one of nudity one of self harm

Me then vs elementary school: