#spinny

7 July 25

Does dress go spinny?💃

Right now, I don't even spinny when I'm totally home alone.  I almost never went to school dances (went to fencing club the night of prom, for example), so... yeah, I'm not a spinner...

While spinning might not be in my playbook, that doesn't mean that it'll be that way forever!  I'm certainly comfortable in who I am socially, but there are aspects of my body that keep me from even desiring to--------------

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---ok, change of plans here.  Or… change of plans to the change of plans.  Initially I wanted to respond to this question with a drawing of me indeed going spinny...

...but I realized that that didn't feel natural to me, I genuinely don't want to go spinny, at least right now.  So I made the panels above as the answer.  A little bit silly, a little bit self reflective, a little bit hopeful...

The sentence I was typing before the ----------- was going to be something like, "I'm certainly comfortable in who I am socially, but there are aspects of my body that keep me from even desiring to go spinny.”

The first half of that sentence felt totally familiar, but then the second half just began to fall out of me.  I didn’t expect it to flow so easily. 

Part of my questioning journey as I got into my late teens was that while I definitely wished I was a girl, I was “ok” with being a boy.  Like, I was bummed that I didn’t get the starting roll I wanted, but it’s not like I couldn’t make being a boy work.  There were plenty of “boy” things that I liked, and I just started to own the non-traditionally male things I liked too.  I didn’t hide my interests, I was up front about them.  NFL Football?  Love it.  Computer nerd?  Love that too.  Camera gear junkie?  Yup, also love that.  Getting crazy fit and going to the gym for four hours a day?  Even did that too!

The more I opened up to the fact that I didn’t have to pigeonhole myself into certain “approved groupings” of interests, the more I was enjoying life. 

I didn’t let my gender dictate what I could or couldn’t enjoy, nor would I let myself be embarrassed by the things I enjoyed.  I like the stuff I like and so long as no one is hurting anyone, we should all support each other’s interests, even if we don’t get them.

My decision to start my transition was largely the same.  “I’m a girl inside, so just like me owning everything else I do, let’s own this and start HRT.” 

Dysphoria was never a driving force for me.  But now, just now, typing out that there are aspects of my body that do keep me from doing certain things, typing it out so effortlessly that I didn’t even realize what I had written and when I had, its significance forced me to stop what I was doing and rethink my position a little.

I decided to transition because I am a girl and want my outside to reflect that… but I guess the dysphoria was there all along and I wasn’t paying attention.  It’s bizarre to have missed so glaringly obvious a feeling that I’ve had my whole life, but here we are. 

All because dress go spinny.

Mine still doesn’t right now (nor do I even have a dress), but once it does, I’ll be sure to let you all know.

oj spinny!!!

3 hours of animating. 10 frames per second and 20 frames. Only a few will know the origins of the guppie moff