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Notes: Kaz is always autistic when I write him, and here I wanted to write him as semi-verbal cuz I am exactly that. Also I was projecting/venting hard here soā¦
Darkness. A vast darkness that shifts, changes then gives way into a messy, rough caricature of recollection. Memory thatās been viewed here over and over. An endless circle thatās only beginning again.
A voice. That voice. It always starts with that voice. Gruff, loud, angry as it yells about how worthless the recipient is. Louder still as it mixes with the rush of wind, the horrible smack against skin. Those same echoes reverberating within the garage as he presses his hands on a wall. Again and again. Only seconds between them. Pain. So much fucking pain. Bruising, bleeding. Thereās sobbing and shaking from him thatās so violent his lungs forget theyāre supposed to expand. Strangled apologies fall out. Legs almost give with every hit. Then they do.
The first shift.
Hurt. Hurt. His heart hurts. His head hurts. Everything hurts. It doesnāt make sense. He doesnāt understand. Why would he betray him like this? How could he? His best friend. His only friend. Someone that he trusted. Someone that heā¦
Suddenly heās chasing after him through a labyrinth of school halls. He calls out relentlessly. He just wants to know what he did wrong. His former best friend only keeps running. It goes on for what feels like forever until heās promptly tripped.
Students. Bullies with indistinguishable faces laugh and mock him, keep him pinned to the ground. Kick him harshly, repeatedly from all sides. He uselessly continues calling until the figure heād been pursuing disappears from sight. Leaving him utterly alone.
The second shift.
Blood. So much blood. He can barely even tell where it stops and his body begins. A thundering cacophony of screams. Crackling fire. His own nervous yet unhinged laughter as his victims beg for mercy. Numbness even as he wildly grins, as he caves a skull in with a wrench. As his eyes burn with streams of unnecessary tears.
Then thereās instant flashes of bodies killed by his own hand. Dismembered, run over, exploded, beheaded, electrocuted. Many, many more. Most he doesnāt recognize. But then thereās two. Two faces he can still make out despite the wounds. Two faces heās hated his entire life. Those images are followed by nothing but despair. Strangely wonderful, elation worthy despair that causes him to tremble. To panic.
But heās so happy. Happy as he simultaneously gets the urge to fill his stomach with gasoline and light himself ablaze.
He does it to his newest victim instead, as itās nothing new.
The last shift consists of more recent events, concerning a certain killing game and virtual simulation. Of horrible executions, anxiety, and distrust. Of an evil bear and a huge delusional woman. But it also morphs into moments where heād almost broken. Before, during and after everything. Moments where heād believed no one would care if he disappeared, as he plunges a personalized screwdriver into his wrist. Because thatās one thing thatās been present throughout it all.
And then, when it seems that darkness is at its end, itās really only the beginning of a circle.
________________________________________
āNoā¦.noā¦ā
Kazuichi repeatedly mumbles that word in his sleep, tossing and turning until he rolls completely over, lands in a fetal position.
The movement stirs the other person in the bed.
Fuyuhiko rubs sleep from his face, hearing whimpers and general distress. He notices that his lover has turned away from him, so he sits up on his knees. The lighting is dim, but he crawls forward anyway, placing a hand on a shoulder. āHey. Whatās wrong?ā He asks the shaking form, only realizing seconds after that heās still sleeping.
āKaz.ā He says, getting closer and louder, āBabe, wake up.ā
Nothing happens, though now he can make out the frantic words, hear him start to sob. Which gives him a better idea of whatās going on, leaving him concerned. āKazu-ā
āNo!!ā
The blonde winces a little, feeling for him. But decides to be rougher, tries to pull him to flip over on his back. The other body thrashes, only crying and shouting more. Thereās a long, awkward struggle between them as Kazuichi only gets out that same word while his name is repeated.
āStop fuckinā hitting me!ā Fuyuhiko eventually says in frustration, seemingly unable to flip him. He gives up when that only earns him another loud cry. A couple hiccups sound as his boyfriend instantly withdraws back into the previous position. Practically hugging himself. It causes an ache in the yakuzaās chest. Itās not like he hasnāt been there before. Well, he hasnāt self-harmed his whole life, but he has thrust a knife in his stomach and gouged out an unwanted eye. Plenty of other traumatizing things. Some of the exact same things. Itās more than fair to say he understands. He sighs deeply, trying not to get emotional.
He moves up behind him, leaning close to his face and setting his hand on a shoulder again. āWake the hell up.ā Fuyuhiko insists, loud and firm yet soft, āNo one can hurt you now. Theyāll have to get through me first.ā
He squeezes him tight on instinct and nuzzles the back of his neck. Kazuichi jolts slightly and grabs the arms around him. āKaz?ā He says to gauge if heās finally awake or not. Thereās a strangled attempt at speech, (probably the blondeās name, but he canāt tell for sure) proving that he is. But the same crying, shaking, and hiccupping just continues with a vengeance. Before anything else can happen, the mechanic almost aggressively turns around. Throwing his arms around a slim midsection, gripping a t-shirt as he eagerly presses against his chest. Fuyuhiko grunts a little from the force, reciprocating by hugging his neck, running a hand through long hair.
āShhh. Youāre safe. Itās all over.ā He soothes as he feels wet patches form on fabric. They stay like this until wrecked sobs become whimpers. It takes some time.
āYou think ya can try and sleep now? Or do ya wanna get up?ā Is said once itās quiet for a second. Kazuichi shakes his head. It doesnāt help. Fuyuhiko sighs.
āYou gotta answer the question, babe.ā He pushes. Another whimper. The other knows itās hard for him to speak at times like this. āPlease.ā Is added.
āSleep. S-Stay.ā The pinkette quietly gets out as he gives another squeeze, as he nuzzles him.
The yakuza leans to kiss his head. āIām not goinā anywhere.ā He says with a little amusement, āI love you, yeah?ā
Three taps against his back is all the confirmation he needs. Fuyuhiko doesnāt have the slightest fucking clue what compels him to, but he finds himself humming softly as Kazuichi falls back asleep.
Itās that time again to feel the odd depression of knowing that my f/o+high kin has been used by fandom for years and years- is still getting used even now (in situations that I know Iād find uncomfortable) cuz uh, yeah thatās how fandom works.
dude i know itās selfish of me to think like this but when i was with stan i felt so stressed all the time not only because of my own brain telling me he would rather be with wendy but because he was always suicidal and depressed and drinking and i just couldnāt seem to help. he would be okay and he seemed to be happy sometimes but it just would never stick around. the amount of times i had to ācome to the rescueā when he was feeling suicidal was just too much for me to handle. i thought i was stronger but maybe iām just not. i wanted to work through it because i loved him but i donāt think he was ever in the position to love me. or anyone. he was just so sad
if he sees that which iām almost certain he will i will claw my brain out and put it in a blender and serve it to pigs because iād rather die than be confronted about that šļøšļø i promised not to make our friendship weird so iād love to keep that way. i respect his relationship so much so i just omg
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Iām so pathetic itās honestly getting harder and harder to not actually vomit when I see other Kaz ships-
Like with Fuyu itās mostly anger and jealousy and uncomfy-ness cuz that little man is my little man and I feel a little justified in it since itās valid to not share your f/o
But with Kaz itās seriously just horrible for me sometimes like Iām going to vomit or panic horrible and itās weird to me honestly cuz Soudam is the only one I hate!! The rest at least have some sort of validity to them! I wonāt say which but one that Iām usually ok with just made me super fucking nauseous soā¦
