#khhfics

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You were halfway through the movie, but your thoughts were elsewhere.

That was the third or fourth time you hung out alone at your place and you just started to think that maybe— just maybe, he simply was a movie enthusiast in search for company, although it was quite unrealistic he thought you had the same sublime taste as him.

Nothing ever happened apart from some very witty comments he left here and there on the composition and colours of the scene. With a slow nod, you pretended to fully understand his argument, but after all, you were the person under the flashing lights, not behind the camera like him.

Christian wasn't the talkative one when you hung out altogether with Dabin and Scott but when it came to his area of expertise it seemed like he could talk for hours without halting, you could literally feel his burning passion through his enthusiasm. You really couldn't help but fall for his charisma.

"So— how was it?".

He turned around to look at you, the credits now rolling on the large screen in front of the couch.

You recomposed yourself, his question was simple, but you just realized that you had spent the last portion of the movie sorting out your feelings for the guy on your couch and his quirky way of expressing outlandish ideas.

Your eyes naturally laid on the clock over his head.

"Gosh—it's so late already", you exclaimed.

"Shit, you're right. I should head home", Christian quickly collected all of his stuff and clumsily put on a pair of Adidas at the entrance of your flat.

"It seems like you're dying to get out of here", you mocked him.

"I should let you rest; I've bothered you enough for today", he chuckled, his dimples making an appearance on his flushed cheeks.

"Well, see you around then", you waved at him right before closing the door.

The night was about to go down just like the ones before that: stuck in an endless loop of maybes and ambiguous looks. No resolution, just a slow tease.

You hated how much it gave you to think. What if he really was a cinephile? Did you really want to know if that feeling went both ways?

The unfamiliar leather jacket still hung on the rack caught your eye. You quickly figured out he forgot to grab it.

You quickly opened the door, perhaps you were still in time to stop the clumsy guy.

"Wait Ian!".

His fluffy locks bounced on the tan skin as he turned around, "Huh? Did I forget something?".

Clueless, Christian hurried back to your doorstep.

"What is it?, he rested his hand at the top of the doorframe and leaned onto you.

"Your jacket", you playfully wiggled it in your hand.

"Shit— that's mine, isn't it?". He uselessly hid his face against his arm in embarrassment.

"It really is", you mocked him.

The two of you looked at each other, incapable of saying the next word.

The uncomfortable silence clearly spoke for itself, heightening the tension forming between the two of you.

"Well, I'll get going".

"Have a good night". He disappeared behind the door again.

Your hand couldn't let go of the handle. You opened the door one more time, suddenly invested by some unknown courage.

"Stay".

You caught the hint of surprise in his eyes, widened by your unexpected request. His brows furrowed slightly as he searched for elucidation.

"I'm tired of hoping you'd stay", you followed up.

He looked straight at you. It seemed like he was aware of how much of a sucker you were for his deep brown eyes.

His gaze slowly shifted on your lips. Now, was he still just a movie enthusiast?

Your lips gently brushed, he smiled softly as you grabbed his arms, leading him inside your flat.

Ian swiftly closed the door behind you two.

"I've been wanting to kiss you for too long", he confessed letting out a chuckle.

Ian's big hands reached your cheek. You were surprised by the softness of his skin. His touch was gentle, just like his demeanour.

"Then do it, dummy".

He didn't even hide the smirk on his lips before kissing you again, this time with more pressure; his intentions clear as day.

Ian perfectly followed your lead, matching your intensity with mastery. Your mind was about to melt, how could a simple kiss make someone feel so elated?

Just how could you rob yourself of his lips for all this time? You felt dumb for missing out on all of those chances.

His thumb caressed your ear as the two of you slowly moved against the blank wall of the hallway.

"I'm sorry miss, I'm afraid I won't let you rest tonight", he whispered into your ear with his raspy voice, drowning you in a shower of unspeakable fantasies.

The goofy guy you had spent so much time with had just pinned you against the wall, his tongue slowly drawing wet circles on your sensitive neck.

Your fingers unknowingly gripped onto his black shirt as your mind slowly melted away only to be interrupted.

"Are you really okay with this?", he carefully distanced himself, making sure you were comfortable again.

"I super-am, dummy".

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!! here another CLxDPRIAN that might interest you ✵ polaris , it’s still on-going. The genre is romance/angst.

You were sure you had the worst week ever. Your coworkers were being extra annoying and mean, you were caught in the rain, a car splashed you and ruined your favorite shirt, you fought with your parents, and got a parking ticket because of your work. 

You were on the verge of crying from frustration when you heard a knock on your door. You got up, trying not to stumble over the random objects on the floor. 

You opened the door to see your best friend’s red fluffy hair, and before you could say a word he was already in the middle of your living room, hands on his hips, a confused look on his face.

“What’s with all the mess here?” he laughed, walking towards the kitchen, careful not to stumble over anything.

“I may have, accidentally, sort of, adopted five cats?”

“Excuse me? How do you accidentally adopt five cats?”

“Well, I had a bad week at work, so I decided to pass by that one cat cafe next to work, and they offered me to adopt one, and I thought it would be a good idea,” you said while trying to organize the living room, “but I couldn’t just choose one, I mean look at them! They’re so cute! And the owner said that they came from the same litter and that they’re always together! I couldn’t just separate them, Nicholas!”

“Oh y/n what am I going to do with you?” he laughed while taking food out of your fridge.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m completely normal-” you rolled your eyes at his comment, only then noticing his actions “-what are you doing?”

“You said you had a bad week, so I’m making you something tasty to chill out. Now when am I going to meet these kitties?”

“They’re asleep on my bed, so maybe a little later when they’ll be hungry.”

While Nicholas was cooking dinner, you were telling him about your week, he was telling you about his. You were eating and laughing until you heard a chorus of cute meows coming towards where you were sitting.

“Hey babies,” you cooed, moving to sit on the floor and pet the kittens, “did we wake you up? I’m so sorry my babies.”

Nicholas’s laugh reminded you he was still in the room. You turned to him and grinned.

“I promised to introduce you to them,” you giggled, picking each one of the cats, kissing their heads and showing them to Nicholas, “this is Mr. Mittens, that’s Lady Tulip, this is Tofu, Cookie Monster, and last but not least, John.” 

Nicholas looked at you, smiling widely as you cooed at your cats, knowing they got the best kittie parent in the world. He felt so content being there with you, wishing he could spend every evening with you.

“Hey, y/n, can I tell you something?”

“Sure, what’s up?” you sat in front of him, noticing his sudden serious tone.

“Well, here goes nothing,” he sighed deeply, “I think I’m in love with you, and I’m terrified.”

You looked at him, your mouth hung open, not knowing where to look, or what to think. The room was silent.

“I knew I shouldn’t have told you, forget about it, I should leave, goodnight,” he got up, grabbing his jacket and going towards the door.

“No! Nicholas wait!” you stood up as quickly as you could, practically slamming into him as you hugged him from behind, stopping him from getting to the door.

“Don’t leave, please,” your voice came out muffled as your face was squashed against his back, “I think I’m in love with you too, please stay.”

“Wait, what?” he turned to you, holding you at arm’s length.

“I love you, but why are you terrified?”

“Your reaction, I was terrified you wouldn’t love me back, and what if people found out, and what if-” “-shut up Nicholas, don’t be an idiot, of course I would love you back, and screw what others think!”

Those words cast a spell on me, capable of dissipating the soul-eating guilt chasing me. Like a fool, I believed I could change him, just because I felt special.

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When I rested my eyes, I recalled the tender embraces, the carefree getaways and the passionate moments first, as if he wasn't the culprit of the heartbreak I hopelessly tried to go through for years.

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Thank you for the irreplaceable memories, Jiyong.

Thank you for the heartbreak.

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I witnessed the ash slowly falling off from the stick and crashing onto the incense holder, its fragrant aroma gave some relief to my exhausted mind.

Hours and hours of negotiations ended in nothing; those technicalities only gave me giant headaches.

In the incessant run towards my goals, I found myself last. No matter how much I worked for it, it was always out of my reach. And just as if woken up from a nightmare, I found myself in a place whose comfort was just a distant memory. Its familiarity becoming sticky tar for my wings.

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I busted the windows wide open; the stagnant air irked my nostrils. A deep breath was what I needed to gather the resolution I so desperately needed. Focusing on the distant lit buildings on the horizon, I let my thoughts wander. Despite being in the privacy of that hotel room, tears wouldn't flow freely, blocked by an insuperable wall of frustration.

With the tips of my fingers, i brushed my chest. The ache was still acute, rooted deeply inside of me.

All the memorable moments, hardships, laughs and happy memories. Everything good had to be thrown away along with regrets and missed opportunities. Nobody could give me back those miserable years I spent wondering if I was the problem, If I could make it all work and if I was even enough.

Like a stain on my favorite shirt, I just couldn't throw it all away.

My skin crawled at the thought of free-falling, of making myself vulnerable to failure again. Blinded by love and loyalty, I found myself betrayed.

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I wouldn't let anyone else let me down like that again. With newfound courage, I finally made my decision.

"Hello. Yes. Please communicate to them that I no longer want to renew my contract with the company. Thank you, Ashley". The phone bounced at the feet of my bed after the sound of the call closing.

I should've felt victorious but, in my mouth, I couldn't taste any sweetness.

"Are you okay?", Harin's head popped behind the ajar door. Her sudden appearance took me back to reality.

"I did what I had to", I evaded the question. My gaze remained fixed on the buildings kissed by the warm sunlight. Deep down, I feared that if I turned around to look at her, I would've broken into a thousand million pieces.

The fragile Chaerin had no room in a life where people look up to the bold CL. I didn't allow myself to look vulnerable, like an irrational fear, I lived pretending to be unscathed. I picked up somebody else's pieces, but I wasn't sure If someone else was there to pick up mines.

"You don't have to go through this alone again. This is the start of a new chapter", my baby sis offered me comfort by slowly stroking my back. I just knew she smiled through her reassuring words.

She left the room, shortly after. My silence probably signaled to her that I needed some alone time.

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I released myself on the soft duvet and noticed that the incense stick had finished burning. Restless, I turned around and faced the wall. Harin's preaching sparked something in me.

As I shut my eyelids, I immediately recalled that cold night. is accepting embrace gave me a novel feeling of safety. It was so genuine and unexpected, it made me forget for a moment the duty of keeping the CL mask on. Maybe opening up wasn't so bad with some people. The guys at DPR were friends I could trust with my life.

Time flew by so fast, I just realized six months had passed since the trip to Santorini.

Dialing that number right after promising myself to be more independent was like swimming upstream but I quickly resigned myself; he was probably the only person to be up in Korea at that hour.

The pauses after each and every ring back made my curiosity grow. In my mind, I prepared the list of stuff I wanted to know from him since our goodbye in Greece. How was he? Did he grow his hair as promised? Did he get rid of that stupid chair in his studio?

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"The number you have dialed is currently unavailable. Please try again later".

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The operator's cold voice reverberated in the dead-quiet hotel room.

"What did I expect? It's 4AM in Korea", I chuckled at myself. I was being too optimistic.

Perhaps Ian had finally fixed his strange sleeping habits. Maybe he was sleeping. Maybe he was busy composing.

Despite all the reasonable justifications, I couldn't help but feel abandoned.

With a quick glance at the messages, I noticed we had stopped talking since I left for LA.

Must admit, a wild thought had jumped at the back of my head. What if he didn't want to talk to me?

"No, he'll surely call me back first thing in the morning", I immediately reassured myself, kicking those negative theories out of my system.

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I measured my anguish by the number of calls that didn't go through.

Three.

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I waited all day for you to call me back but you never did, Christian.

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a.n. I really wanted to focus more on the counterpart of this story. Chaerin. That's why I decided to write shorter chapters. Is it angsty enough? I hope so. I have the next chapter to revise but it's nice to recover my footing. This fic is so meaningful to me. Thank you so much for the supportive comments, those encouraged me to spare some time to keep writing. We're getting nearer to the key part of this whole journey, hope you are ready! 

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