#chaerian

What connects So Beautiful to 5STAR? What's the full story?

What if So Beautiful was the prologue? The lighter flickering. The origin of MITO’s most violent surge. What if the house seen in both MV/s was Chaerin's Avalon? A secret place of healing and nostalgia. What if the beach seen in 5STAR is where it all starts and ends? A shore where nothing was risked yet, and everything was still untainted.

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disclaimer. This is not an RPF. It doesn't speculate about the private lives of DPR IAN or CL.

Polaris started in 2020, inspired by the DPR x CL Cinematic Universe. It's my personal re-imagining and expansion of a story never told in full.

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— read the prologue and chapter 1 on AO3 | learn more on welcome to the archive

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You were halfway through the movie, but your thoughts were elsewhere.

That was the third or fourth time you hung out alone at your place and you just started to think that maybe— just maybe, he simply was a movie enthusiast in search for company, although it was quite unrealistic he thought you had the same sublime taste as him.

Nothing ever happened apart from some very witty comments he left here and there on the composition and colours of the scene. With a slow nod, you pretended to fully understand his argument, but after all, you were the person under the flashing lights, not behind the camera like him.

Christian wasn't the talkative one when you hung out altogether with Dabin and Scott but when it came to his area of expertise it seemed like he could talk for hours without halting, you could literally feel his burning passion through his enthusiasm. You really couldn't help but fall for his charisma.

"So— how was it?".

He turned around to look at you, the credits now rolling on the large screen in front of the couch.

You recomposed yourself, his question was simple, but you just realized that you had spent the last portion of the movie sorting out your feelings for the guy on your couch and his quirky way of expressing outlandish ideas.

Your eyes naturally laid on the clock over his head.

"Gosh—it's so late already", you exclaimed.

"Shit, you're right. I should head home", Christian quickly collected all of his stuff and clumsily put on a pair of Adidas at the entrance of your flat.

"It seems like you're dying to get out of here", you mocked him.

"I should let you rest; I've bothered you enough for today", he chuckled, his dimples making an appearance on his flushed cheeks.

"Well, see you around then", you waved at him right before closing the door.

The night was about to go down just like the ones before that: stuck in an endless loop of maybes and ambiguous looks. No resolution, just a slow tease.

You hated how much it gave you to think. What if he really was a cinephile? Did you really want to know if that feeling went both ways?

The unfamiliar leather jacket still hung on the rack caught your eye. You quickly figured out he forgot to grab it.

You quickly opened the door, perhaps you were still in time to stop the clumsy guy.

"Wait Ian!".

His fluffy locks bounced on the tan skin as he turned around, "Huh? Did I forget something?".

Clueless, Christian hurried back to your doorstep.

"What is it?, he rested his hand at the top of the doorframe and leaned onto you.

"Your jacket", you playfully wiggled it in your hand.

"Shit— that's mine, isn't it?". He uselessly hid his face against his arm in embarrassment.

"It really is", you mocked him.

The two of you looked at each other, incapable of saying the next word.

The uncomfortable silence clearly spoke for itself, heightening the tension forming between the two of you.

"Well, I'll get going".

"Have a good night". He disappeared behind the door again.

Your hand couldn't let go of the handle. You opened the door one more time, suddenly invested by some unknown courage.

"Stay".

You caught the hint of surprise in his eyes, widened by your unexpected request. His brows furrowed slightly as he searched for elucidation.

"I'm tired of hoping you'd stay", you followed up.

He looked straight at you. It seemed like he was aware of how much of a sucker you were for his deep brown eyes.

His gaze slowly shifted on your lips. Now, was he still just a movie enthusiast?

Your lips gently brushed, he smiled softly as you grabbed his arms, leading him inside your flat.

Ian swiftly closed the door behind you two.

"I've been wanting to kiss you for too long", he confessed letting out a chuckle.

Ian's big hands reached your cheek. You were surprised by the softness of his skin. His touch was gentle, just like his demeanour.

"Then do it, dummy".

He didn't even hide the smirk on his lips before kissing you again, this time with more pressure; his intentions clear as day.

Ian perfectly followed your lead, matching your intensity with mastery. Your mind was about to melt, how could a simple kiss make someone feel so elated?

Just how could you rob yourself of his lips for all this time? You felt dumb for missing out on all of those chances.

His thumb caressed your ear as the two of you slowly moved against the blank wall of the hallway.

"I'm sorry miss, I'm afraid I won't let you rest tonight", he whispered into your ear with his raspy voice, drowning you in a shower of unspeakable fantasies.

The goofy guy you had spent so much time with had just pinned you against the wall, his tongue slowly drawing wet circles on your sensitive neck.

Your fingers unknowingly gripped onto his black shirt as your mind slowly melted away only to be interrupted.

"Are you really okay with this?", he carefully distanced himself, making sure you were comfortable again.

"I super-am, dummy".

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!! here another CLxDPRIAN that might interest you ✵ polaris , it’s still on-going. The genre is romance/angst.

Those words cast a spell on me, capable of dissipating the soul-eating guilt chasing me. Like a fool, I believed I could change him, just because I felt special.

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When I rested my eyes, I recalled the tender embraces, the carefree getaways and the passionate moments first, as if he wasn't the culprit of the heartbreak I hopelessly tried to go through for years.

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Thank you for the irreplaceable memories, Jiyong.

Thank you for the heartbreak.

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I witnessed the ash slowly falling off from the stick and crashing onto the incense holder, its fragrant aroma gave some relief to my exhausted mind.

Hours and hours of negotiations ended in nothing; those technicalities only gave me giant headaches.

In the incessant run towards my goals, I found myself last. No matter how much I worked for it, it was always out of my reach. And just as if woken up from a nightmare, I found myself in a place whose comfort was just a distant memory. Its familiarity becoming sticky tar for my wings.

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I busted the windows wide open; the stagnant air irked my nostrils. A deep breath was what I needed to gather the resolution I so desperately needed. Focusing on the distant lit buildings on the horizon, I let my thoughts wander. Despite being in the privacy of that hotel room, tears wouldn't flow freely, blocked by an insuperable wall of frustration.

With the tips of my fingers, i brushed my chest. The ache was still acute, rooted deeply inside of me.

All the memorable moments, hardships, laughs and happy memories. Everything good had to be thrown away along with regrets and missed opportunities. Nobody could give me back those miserable years I spent wondering if I was the problem, If I could make it all work and if I was even enough.

Like a stain on my favorite shirt, I just couldn't throw it all away.

My skin crawled at the thought of free-falling, of making myself vulnerable to failure again. Blinded by love and loyalty, I found myself betrayed.

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I wouldn't let anyone else let me down like that again. With newfound courage, I finally made my decision.

"Hello. Yes. Please communicate to them that I no longer want to renew my contract with the company. Thank you, Ashley". The phone bounced at the feet of my bed after the sound of the call closing.

I should've felt victorious but, in my mouth, I couldn't taste any sweetness.

"Are you okay?", Harin's head popped behind the ajar door. Her sudden appearance took me back to reality.

"I did what I had to", I evaded the question. My gaze remained fixed on the buildings kissed by the warm sunlight. Deep down, I feared that if I turned around to look at her, I would've broken into a thousand million pieces.

The fragile Chaerin had no room in a life where people look up to the bold CL. I didn't allow myself to look vulnerable, like an irrational fear, I lived pretending to be unscathed. I picked up somebody else's pieces, but I wasn't sure If someone else was there to pick up mines.

"You don't have to go through this alone again. This is the start of a new chapter", my baby sis offered me comfort by slowly stroking my back. I just knew she smiled through her reassuring words.

She left the room, shortly after. My silence probably signaled to her that I needed some alone time.

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I released myself on the soft duvet and noticed that the incense stick had finished burning. Restless, I turned around and faced the wall. Harin's preaching sparked something in me.

As I shut my eyelids, I immediately recalled that cold night. is accepting embrace gave me a novel feeling of safety. It was so genuine and unexpected, it made me forget for a moment the duty of keeping the CL mask on. Maybe opening up wasn't so bad with some people. The guys at DPR were friends I could trust with my life.

Time flew by so fast, I just realized six months had passed since the trip to Santorini.

Dialing that number right after promising myself to be more independent was like swimming upstream but I quickly resigned myself; he was probably the only person to be up in Korea at that hour.

The pauses after each and every ring back made my curiosity grow. In my mind, I prepared the list of stuff I wanted to know from him since our goodbye in Greece. How was he? Did he grow his hair as promised? Did he get rid of that stupid chair in his studio?

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"The number you have dialed is currently unavailable. Please try again later".

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The operator's cold voice reverberated in the dead-quiet hotel room.

"What did I expect? It's 4AM in Korea", I chuckled at myself. I was being too optimistic.

Perhaps Ian had finally fixed his strange sleeping habits. Maybe he was sleeping. Maybe he was busy composing.

Despite all the reasonable justifications, I couldn't help but feel abandoned.

With a quick glance at the messages, I noticed we had stopped talking since I left for LA.

Must admit, a wild thought had jumped at the back of my head. What if he didn't want to talk to me?

"No, he'll surely call me back first thing in the morning", I immediately reassured myself, kicking those negative theories out of my system.

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I measured my anguish by the number of calls that didn't go through.

Three.

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I waited all day for you to call me back but you never did, Christian.

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a.n. I really wanted to focus more on the counterpart of this story. Chaerin. That's why I decided to write shorter chapters. Is it angsty enough? I hope so. I have the next chapter to revise but it's nice to recover my footing. This fic is so meaningful to me. Thank you so much for the supportive comments, those encouraged me to spare some time to keep writing. We're getting nearer to the key part of this whole journey, hope you are ready! 

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「 ☽ Ian's POV」

“Promise me you know how to ride this thing”.

Chae approached me with uncertain steps.

“Just trust me”. I threw her way the extra helmet I kept in the saddlebag.

She hopped onto my motorcycle and immediately wrapped her hands around me.

“Chaerin? Are you scared by any chance?

I chuckled at her. No matter how fierce her celebrity image was, deep down she was a soft, scaredy-cat.

“I-Ian! Don’t make fun of me, ok? It’s just that I have never done this before”.

“What? You’ve never ridden a motorcycle?”.

She slowly grasped my shirt.

“Never…”.

“There’s always a first time so brace yourself miss”.

I suddenly pushed my foot on the accelerator.

“IAN!”.

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Seoul city opened before our eyes, the bright neon and LEDs becoming flashes of color in the distance.

A rush of adrenaline kicked in my bloodstreams; riding my much-loved motorcycle was a way to escape – although shortly – from all my troubles.

She rested her head on my back, gently.

“You alright?!”. I shouted in the shy hope she’d hear my voice in the roaring of the vehicle.

Chae remained silent, only holding me closer to her.

I didn’t hesitate a second and took the road that brought us back to DPR’s studio and parked the motorcycle under the building.

“Oi… I didn’t wanna force you to do this, I’m sorry”. I hopped off after her.

Chae removed the black helmet and shook her head, making the silky silver hair fall over her shoulders.

“That was rad, let’s do it again sometime”.

She flashed her best smile at me, leaving my poor self completely smitten by her excitement.

“Oh, you guys went for a ride?”.

I turned around; Dabin was leaning beside the entrance door with both hands in his black hoodie front pocket, the brooding aura he emanated was quite unlike him.

“Yeah…”. I scratched the back of my head; the hint of tension in the atmosphere stiffened me.

“Man, take me with you next time!”. He cackled – his eyes disappearing in two small half-moons as he patted my back repeatedly. Dabin’s sudden mood switch took me so aback that I froze in place with a confused smile on my lips.

“You two are such lovebirds”. Chae wrapped her hands around both of us, embracing all three in a warm group hug.

“Yeah, my Ian-nie Hyung, come kiss me”.

“Oh, come here Dabin-i”.

“Get a room”. Chae rolled her eyes jokingly.

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✵

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“Ian”. Scott called for my attention, waving the pen he furiously kept clicking during the call.

“Huh?”.

“You spazzed out”.

“I’m just tired. What’s up?”. I ran my hand through my hair to fix the long lock hanging in front of my eyes.

“Their producer just told me on the phone…”, he heaved a long sigh, “they decided to cancel the shooting”.

“This too?”.

“Apparently”. Scott drowned his face in his palm in resignation.

“How the fuck are we going to fund our projects if we keep going like this?”.

“Christian”, he moved closer to me with the swivel chair and rest his hand on my shoulder to, hopefully, reassure me. “I’ll find some other gig to keep us afloat”.

“This WAS the gig we needed to keep us afloat”. I stood up from my seat, abruptly pushing away his hand away from me.

Dabin barged into the recording room, “Did you guys hear the news? The producer just canceled the project”.

“We ALREADY fucking know, Dabin”. I rolled my eyes in annoyance.

“What’s with this attitude man?”.

Scott glared at him and shook his head, silently begging him to refrain from responding anymore.

I reached for the leather jacket still plopped onto the chair and headed towards the exit door.

Dabin narrowed his eyes, “Where are you going?”.

“Home”.

“What?”.

Scott grabbed Dabin by his shoulder to stop him from coming after me, but I had already slammed the door before I could see his reaction.

“What the hell is wrong with him?”.

“He’s been like that all day, just leave him be”.

Their voices followed me through the hallways as I made my way out of the building.

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I gripped the handlebar some more, fighting the increasing tingling spreading in my palms and that slowly rode up my arms. I gripped it strong enough to make the last turn before stopping the motorcycle on a moist green patch at the side of the road, leading to the province. I sat beside the vehicle; the stars were roof for my tired body. The chilly night stung my skin with frozen needles.

I reached for air with my trembling hands, trying to grasp something that wasn’t there.

where are you…?

why is everything I built going to shit?

The huge weight on my chest became heavier and heavier as if it wanted to drag my body underground and through hell. I knocked three times on my chest but the ache wouldn’t stop.

why am I so powerless?

Why do I feel like drifting away?

A faint buzzing sound filled my ears in an instant becoming an agonizing strident noise in seconds.

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tic

tic

tic

The constant dripping of freezing water droplets woke me up from what felt like an endless slumber. My body immediately started to tremble as a result of my clothes being drenched wet.

The light made my eyes retire in darkness, I slowly tried to open them again to get used to the faint white glow.

It took me a minute to realize I was sitting against the glass wall of the shower. The water kept falling on my shoulder, drop by drop, relentlessly. Just like every little piece of bad news, every insignificant obstacle, every bad feeling I bottled had just exploded, drowning me. Drop by drop.

I crawled out of the shower, begging my legs to sustain my bloody self. I pressed my hand against the glass wall for support as I tried to finally stand up when a glimpse of crimson red made me immediately turn my head: my knuckles were bruised and sore.

“Who are you? I can’t even recognize you anymore”.

A strained voice echoed in my head as fuzzy images flashed before my eyes, chaotic, unrelated, tangled. I squeezed my eyes, mentally rewinding the events of yesterday evening but finding nothing.

I shook my head and proceeded to crawl out of the bathroom, leaving a wet path behind me like a snail.

I turned towards the living room, a song I didn’t know was playing louder and louder as I stepped towards the couch, where my laptop was.

“What’s this?”. I looked at the file’s name.

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「 imalwaysnear.m4a」

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“What the hell?”. The sound of my voice suddenly appeared on the aggressive track, rough and strained. It sounded like me but it also felt like someone else’s.

“When did I record this?”. I mumbled, clicking on the file details to uncover the mystery.

“How come…”.

I squinted my eyes.

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「 Created: Tuesday, October 27, 2020, 4:44AM 」

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“It must’ve been…me? Yesterday night?”.

I quickly patted the coffee table to find my phone amidst all the mess, its brightness instantly blinding me.

It was already noon, I had received several audio messages from Scott; He was probably mad at me for disappearing so out of the blue the other day.

I gathered the courage to get scolded and played all of them as I made my way towards the bedroom. I placed the phone on the nightstand and listen half-heartedly to Scott’s voice while I searched for a fresh new outfit.

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“Ian… I don’t know how to say this. I know it’s been a rough couple of months for us… for you. But what happened yesterday with Dabin was truly alarming. I never made you a violent person. You know I love you man…whatever happens. Just know we’re here for you if you need to talk it out. I hope you’ll apologize to him when you’ll feel ready. He’s okay by the way, just a couple of bruises. Just call me when you feel like it”.

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I looked at my reflection in the mirror and noticed a cut crossing through the bridge of my nose bridge and bruised cheek.

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I hated how much it gave me to think, wondering and wondering in circles 'till late at night. He used to get me so mad whenever he let those women slip away for some reason, what had changed?

My return to Korea was for my career only. Romance or silly escapades weren't part of my plans. I just couldn't afford it. I couldn't betray myself again. Not with a friend.

I stopped my fingers from tapping on the glass surface, realising how impatient I grew.

Resting my head on the cold dining table, I impatiently waited for Ian to get out of the shower.

"I might've scattered a bit of sand on your floors", he slicked back his wet hair with his fingers as he entered the living room where I was slowly losing myself in thought.

"Gosh—it's so late already", my glance fell onto the clock hanging above his head.

"Shit, you're right. I should head home".

Christian quickly collected all of his stuff and clumsily put on the pair of boots scattered at the entrance.

"It seems like you're dying to get out of here", I mocked him.

"I should let you rest. I think I've bothered you enough for today".

I caught myself staring a bit too long at the dimples appearing on his flushed cheeks as he chuckled lightly.

"Well, see you around I guess".

Closing the door, I thought I locked my doubts inside the house with me.

"Dummy". I caught a glimpse of his old leather jacket still hung up on the rack by the entrance. Perhaps I was still in time to stop the clumsy guy.

I quickly unlocked the door and shouted after him.

"IAN!".

Clueless, he hurried back to my doorstep.

"What's up?", he rested his hand at the top of the door frame, leaning in onto me.

"Jacket", I playfully wiggled the forgotten item in his face.

He hid against his arm in embarrassment, "Shit— that's mine, isn't it?".

"I fear it is".

We exchanged those lingering looks again, like a dangerous game of chess.

"Please don't", I internally pleaded, knowing well I couldn't stay too long on the verge of doing something I might've regretted the next morning.

"Well...I'll get going— again", he diverted his eyes, breaking off that painful tension.

That scene had played numerous times before. Saying our goodbyes at my door after watching another movie from his endless list of "must watch" or a quick lunch, it was so familiar and yet, that time was different.

I kind of wished it was different.

"The other night...what happened on the balcony..."— I bit my tongue — "Tell me it wasn't the alcohol".

He held his breath for a second.

"You know what? Just forget it"— All confidence left me as soon as I lost his eyes to the ground.

But then his warmth suddenly engulfed me as he grabbed me by my waist, bringing me closer.

Between love and delusion, I couldn't sort it out for the life of me.

He leaned in slowly, perhaps trying to read into my eyes but I honestly couldn't care less if that was a mistake on our end. All the pestering thoughts in my head vanished as his warm lips melted into mine. I could still taste the salt of the sea on him.

How could a simple kiss make someone feel so elated? How could I rob myself of his lips for all this time? I felt dumb for missing all those chances.

Ian looked through me as If he realized how much of a sucker I became for his dark eyes.

"It wasn't".

Sometimes I regret ever asking you that question. If I hadn't, maybe we wouldn't be in this mess.

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I suddenly found myself amid her neighbourhood, as if my mind unconsciously brought me to Chaerin.

I couldn't help but look at her building as I rode by; the window of her living room stood out from the rest, lit by warm light despite the late hour, prompting me to stop.

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It took just a couple of rings for her to pick up.

"Still up?".

"Ian?...".

"Look out of your window".

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She rushed out to the balcony, clutching a colourful cardigan resting on her round shoulders and looked for me in the barely lit street under the building.

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"What are you doing here? It's like 4AM".

"I guess I'm not the only one who can't sleep".

"It's just-...". Chae leaned onto the railway, a long and frustrated sigh leaving her as she couldn't come up with a justification.

"Just get your ass down here", I chuckled, looking up at her figure on the balcony.

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"You're insane," Chaerin said, grabbing the black helmet I threw her way and wearing it despite her tone of disapproval.

Seoul's grey skyscrapers passed us by, gradually morphing into empty fields, then rural villages by the road.

A comforting silence wrapped us all the way to the secret spot.

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Waves crashed sweetly on the golden foreshore, greeting us to the fragment of beach I held so dear.

"Well, this my secret spot, Miss Lee".

She took in the mesmerising pool of colours of the dawn with her dark eyes.

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I didn't think I'd melt easily like that, but then I saw her taking the sneakers off, swirling on a serotonin rush and all of my beliefs instantly collapsed. The sweet view made a smile naturally creep up my lips.

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"You're the first person I've ever brought here", I admitted.

"No way! How did you find it? It's just... breathtaking", she sat next to me, the wet fabric of the flowy sweatpants clinging to her skin.

"Well, me and my b-boy friends once sneaked out to get to the beach and... I lost myself. But I found this. So yeah, it was surely worth the half of an hour of panicking and running around in circles".

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Chae chuckled at my juvenile misadventures before standing up.

"Come on up!".

I was left confused as to how such a small woman could drag a man double her size so easily towards the sea. Salt water splashed around as we played on the shore like kids. No worries, no thoughts in mind.

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Sometimes I wonder if you reminisce about those times too,

when we still hadn't risked it all.

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a.n. please don't mind the logistics of travelling from Seoul to the nearest beach by motorcycle, I just painted this poetic picture In my mind and wouldn't mind correcting It for the sake of realism so I Invoke your suspension of disbelief.

It only felt right to give them another "Intimate" moment to prove how close they are In this story. 

The song I found myself listening to while writing this Is “Stay Ready (What a life)” Jhenè Aiko

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The key loudly turned into the lock, only a few instants separating us from the ongoing party.

"Y'all are super late guys, thank goodness I managed to convince Scott not to open any other bottle without you two!". The girl from the pub welcomed us at the main entrance, squaring me up with a playful grin on her lips.

"Here you are!" — Scott welcomed us with a brotherly hug — "Right! Let me introduce you to Stephany, she's the costume designer of Team Mino. You two worked on the same music video, remember?".

Bits and pieces finally came to mind, no wonder Dabin seemed to find her familiar that time at the pub that night.

"This piece of work right here is our Creative Director at DPR, he's Christian".

She really couldn't seem to hide that knowing look on her face.

"Nice to meet you, Ian".

"Thank you later," Dabin whispered as he passed me to greet the other side of the room.

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The unfamiliar faces inevitably pushed me to escape elsewhere, anywhere. That's how I found myself hanging around the deserted terrace.

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"Harin, I'll be okay. I promise. Love you too".

The call ended. A long and defeated sigh left the person on the receiving end.

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I quietly made my way beside her but not before wondering if what I had just witnessed was a cruel machination of my mind.

"CHRISTIAN!".

She called out my name, her voice mixed with surprise and disbelief.

"Why are you looking at me like that?", I whined, feeling scrutinised.

"I haven't seen your stupid face in months, why are you being so annoying?

Idiot", Chaerin chuckled just like she did in Greece.

It felt like nothing ever changed between us, no matter how long we spent afar from each other.

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I leaned further on the railing, taking in that spring breeze.

"What brings you out here Miss Lee? The party is inside".

"The view from Scott's room is gorgeous, I'm so envious".

She reprised the deep contemplation with nostalgic eyes; living in a foreign city for so long probably made that regular Seoul cityscape feel so special.

"You let your hair grow as you promised I see".

"I've come to like it". I uselessly blew the rebellious lock standing between me and my vision.

She tilted her head, slowly bringing her hand towards the source of my annoyance, tucking it behind my ear.

"It does suit you!", Chaerin hit me with another smile, making me feel weak in the knees.

She then took her phone out and proudly gave me orders with her ringing voice, "Pose for me Ian".

"A bit commanding today huh? Well, as you wish m'am".

I started to sport all of my worst poses and whackiest expressions, trying my all to get a laugh out of her.

"Ugh, not like this! I forgot how annoying you were". She kept taking pictures despite my poor collaboration but the phone kept trembling between her hands.

"Here, take it", I quickly removed my jacket and rested it on her exposed shoulders without meeting any protest on her part.

"Oh— it's the jacket from Santorini", she noticed.

I chuckled at the coincidence.

I then closed my eyes. The traffic noise slowly morphed into the crashing of waves against the shore, the biting cold into the chilly breeze of that evening by the sea. It seemed like the universe made us resume that summer night that got cut short.

"Perfect". She proudly showed me the picture: my black silhouette cut by the moonlight shining upon the terrace.

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Silence slowly crept in.

"How come this is the first time we talk to each other in 9 months?".

Chae's attention turned towards the cars passing by in the distance as if she couldn't dare look at my reaction. If she did, swallowing my guilt would've been harder than it already was.

"We are busy people".

I despised how quickly I learned to disregard the feelings of the people around me.

"It felt lonely in LA"— she admitted —"Harin and my friends were there but really... I guess I just missed you".

The sudden honesty made me stumble on my feet.

"How drunk are you exactly?", she playfully nudged at me.

"Enough to be entertaining", I readily replied.

"Oh, are you now?".

Her watery eyes blinked under the moonlight, now gazing at me intently, as if she wanted to speak out but just couldn't find the right words.

Believe me, I violently fought the urge to kiss her. I found myself on the cusp of doing it more than I would like to admit. Compared to my swings, it seemed to be more uncontrollable.

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More than a few thoughts made me my intentions waver. What if she still wasn't over Jiyong? What about Dabin? What about our friendship?

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Fuck it.

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I caressed her reddened cheek as I leaned in.

My lips brushed against hers, gentle, feverish, like a zap to my whole system.

I could taste her YSL Libre perfume gradually melting into the champagne we had.

The music kept creeping up from behind the glass window of the terrace, reminding us of our surroundings, but that didn't seem to bother either of us. She tasted so sweet that for a second I feared that as soon as I opened my eyes I would wake up to a cruel dream.

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"Chaerin-i! Where are you?", a female voice from inside the house called for her.

She slowly pulled away and stared me down with those unreadable hazel eyes of hers, before rushing inside and disappearing from my sight for the rest of the night.

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✵✵✵

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The loud phone notification cut through my unconsciousness.

I held the heavy head sitting on my shoulders, a grunt escaping the drought of my lips. I was too old for partying, the heavy sentence dawned on me, which I slowly tried to accept.

I caught a glimpse of female curves under the white sheets in the dim of the room.

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Again?

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I wish I'd stopped finding myself in these situations. It hadn't happened for a while.

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...Chaerin-i?

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Guilt pervaded me. I wished it happened differently.

The notifications became more insistent, prompting me to finally check on them.

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「 Where are you though?」

「Chaerin was looking for you.」

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"Come here", the girl next to me caressed the inked skin on my chest, inviting me back

But that girl wasn't Chaerin.

That girl was Stephany.

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I always knew. A lot of shit happens after the kiss.

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