#dprianxcl

Those words cast a spell on me, capable of dissipating the soul-eating guilt chasing me. Like a fool, I believed I could change him, just because I felt special.

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When I rested my eyes, I recalled the tender embraces, the carefree getaways and the passionate moments first, as if he wasn't the culprit of the heartbreak I hopelessly tried to go through for years.

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Thank you for the irreplaceable memories, Jiyong.

Thank you for the heartbreak.

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I witnessed the ash slowly falling off from the stick and crashing onto the incense holder, its fragrant aroma gave some relief to my exhausted mind.

Hours and hours of negotiations ended in nothing; those technicalities only gave me giant headaches.

In the incessant run towards my goals, I found myself last. No matter how much I worked for it, it was always out of my reach. And just as if woken up from a nightmare, I found myself in a place whose comfort was just a distant memory. Its familiarity becoming sticky tar for my wings.

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I busted the windows wide open; the stagnant air irked my nostrils. A deep breath was what I needed to gather the resolution I so desperately needed. Focusing on the distant lit buildings on the horizon, I let my thoughts wander. Despite being in the privacy of that hotel room, tears wouldn't flow freely, blocked by an insuperable wall of frustration.

With the tips of my fingers, i brushed my chest. The ache was still acute, rooted deeply inside of me.

All the memorable moments, hardships, laughs and happy memories. Everything good had to be thrown away along with regrets and missed opportunities. Nobody could give me back those miserable years I spent wondering if I was the problem, If I could make it all work and if I was even enough.

Like a stain on my favorite shirt, I just couldn't throw it all away.

My skin crawled at the thought of free-falling, of making myself vulnerable to failure again. Blinded by love and loyalty, I found myself betrayed.

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I wouldn't let anyone else let me down like that again. With newfound courage, I finally made my decision.

"Hello. Yes. Please communicate to them that I no longer want to renew my contract with the company. Thank you, Ashley". The phone bounced at the feet of my bed after the sound of the call closing.

I should've felt victorious but, in my mouth, I couldn't taste any sweetness.

"Are you okay?", Harin's head popped behind the ajar door. Her sudden appearance took me back to reality.

"I did what I had to", I evaded the question. My gaze remained fixed on the buildings kissed by the warm sunlight. Deep down, I feared that if I turned around to look at her, I would've broken into a thousand million pieces.

The fragile Chaerin had no room in a life where people look up to the bold CL. I didn't allow myself to look vulnerable, like an irrational fear, I lived pretending to be unscathed. I picked up somebody else's pieces, but I wasn't sure If someone else was there to pick up mines.

"You don't have to go through this alone again. This is the start of a new chapter", my baby sis offered me comfort by slowly stroking my back. I just knew she smiled through her reassuring words.

She left the room, shortly after. My silence probably signaled to her that I needed some alone time.

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I released myself on the soft duvet and noticed that the incense stick had finished burning. Restless, I turned around and faced the wall. Harin's preaching sparked something in me.

As I shut my eyelids, I immediately recalled that cold night. is accepting embrace gave me a novel feeling of safety. It was so genuine and unexpected, it made me forget for a moment the duty of keeping the CL mask on. Maybe opening up wasn't so bad with some people. The guys at DPR were friends I could trust with my life.

Time flew by so fast, I just realized six months had passed since the trip to Santorini.

Dialing that number right after promising myself to be more independent was like swimming upstream but I quickly resigned myself; he was probably the only person to be up in Korea at that hour.

The pauses after each and every ring back made my curiosity grow. In my mind, I prepared the list of stuff I wanted to know from him since our goodbye in Greece. How was he? Did he grow his hair as promised? Did he get rid of that stupid chair in his studio?

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"The number you have dialed is currently unavailable. Please try again later".

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The operator's cold voice reverberated in the dead-quiet hotel room.

"What did I expect? It's 4AM in Korea", I chuckled at myself. I was being too optimistic.

Perhaps Ian had finally fixed his strange sleeping habits. Maybe he was sleeping. Maybe he was busy composing.

Despite all the reasonable justifications, I couldn't help but feel abandoned.

With a quick glance at the messages, I noticed we had stopped talking since I left for LA.

Must admit, a wild thought had jumped at the back of my head. What if he didn't want to talk to me?

"No, he'll surely call me back first thing in the morning", I immediately reassured myself, kicking those negative theories out of my system.

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I measured my anguish by the number of calls that didn't go through.

Three.

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I waited all day for you to call me back but you never did, Christian.

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a.n. I really wanted to focus more on the counterpart of this story. Chaerin. That's why I decided to write shorter chapters. Is it angsty enough? I hope so. I have the next chapter to revise but it's nice to recover my footing. This fic is so meaningful to me. Thank you so much for the supportive comments, those encouraged me to spare some time to keep writing. We're getting nearer to the key part of this whole journey, hope you are ready! 

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