Ok there are really good fan-made transcripts for the podcast, but they are really hard to find unless you already have the link or know someone who does. So hopefully, making this post will make them a little bit easier to find by searching?
Here is the link to the transcripts which goes up through episode 100.
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Summary: September 1, 2015 - An alleged sighting of the Lord & Savior at a downtown fast food restaurant has the residents of King Falls ready for deliverance, meanwhile Sammy & Ben try to navigate the flood waters of this revelation.
[podcast intro music]
Mayor Grisham
Ladies and gentlemen, I promise you that while it is a terrible inconvenience that our modern electronics are outā this is not the end of the world. It could be a refreshing change of pace! Instead of reading, on your tablet, go down to the King Falls library, and check out the real thing! Instead of texting your BFF, go enjoy some pancake puppies at Roseās! and have a face-to-face chat. This isnāt as bad as it seemsā and it could be a blessing in disguise.
[KFAM intro music]
Sammy
Good morning guys and dolls, youāre listening to King Falls AMā
Ben
āThatās 660 on the radio dial.
Sammy
And this is day 13 of what has been dubbed the King Falls Electrolocaust.
Ben
This has easily been the hardest two weeks of my professional career.
Sammy
It has been tough, but Ben and I want to thank you, and everyone out there listening, for the continuing support of the show.
Ben
We got another doozy of a show for you tonight, King Falls. During hour two, weāll be interviewing Maria Chandler, manager of the King Falls Apple store, and speaking about the effects the shut down has had on business.
Sammy
As well as fielding your calls and talking about whateverās clever this evening.
Ben
I miss computers, Sammy. I miss the schedule. Our automated systems, my alarm clock. Iāve went through three the legal pads in two weeks!
Sammy
[sympathetic] I know, buddy.
Ben
I would literally watch Channel 13 if given the chance.
Sammy
Wow. Thatās saying a lot.
Ben
[softly] I need my life back.
Sammy
King Falls, how are you taking the modern electronic shut down of 2015? Are you refreshed? Reliving the mid-90s? Orā are you falling apart like our dear Ben Arnold?
Ben
Iād listen to boy bands, to have a working smartphone. Iād wear, puka shell necklaces and sell my pog collection,[1] if you give me five minutes with my email.
Sammy
Look on the bright side, Ben. Youāre spending all your free time down at the library, and I havenāt called you out on it!
Ben
Thatās calling me out on it.
Sammy
Eh-Well- and you know itās nice hearing the birds tweeting instead of @kingfallsam. Iām not saying I donāt miss it but, Iām enjoying this a little bit.
Ben
ā«Itās tearing up my heart when Iām with yoouuā«[2]
Sammy
The references are not gonna bring back your goods.
Ben
[hurt] Dammit Sammy, letās just take a call from our jury-rigged phone system.
[bg music being provided by Chetās record player]
Sammy
Youāre live with Sammy and Ben.
Cynthia
Yeeaah, I wanna talk about the outages.
Sammy
Cynthia Higgenbaum, ladies and gents. How are you doing during this electronic crisis?
Cynthia
[blissful] I feel the warm embrace of the chastity belt thatās been placed on society. Iām relieved, de-stressed, marvelous!
Ben
*chuckling* Whoa, heh, thatās- thatās a heck of a change!
Cynthia
[suddenly aggressive] What are you trying to say, Ben?
Sammy
Itās just youāre usually- youāve been a little⦠pessimistic in the past.
Cynthia
[mostly calm again] Ohhh, I still have problems; Iām full up with issues. But right now, I donāt have to worry about what websites my husband is perusing, what brain-dead TV my kids are watchingā Iām at peace! Itās just me and my harlequin novels. Plus, with Jesus back and allā
Ben
[jokingly suggestive] 50 Shades of Cynthia
Cynthia
[angrily] Donāt be filthy Ben Arnold! I Know Your Mother!
Sammy
I-Iām sorry, Cynthiaā did you just say that Jesus is back?
Cynthia
[gossipy tone] Have you guys not heard the news?
Ben
Is she talking about Jesus Jesus?
Cynthia
Thereās only one.
Sammy
Wellll, I think Mexico would disagree, but please tell us why you think Jesusā
Cynthia
[snappy] I donāt think Sammy, I know! [softer] Earlier this evening, he was spotted glowing and speaking in tongues at Jack in the Box.[3]
Ben
The one off Main Street or Red Oak Avenue?
Cynthia
Ew, nobody does to Red Oak.
Sammy
[softly] Jack-in-the-Box-Jesus.
Cynthia
Oh, Hell no! I will not participate in that blasphemy. Youāre gonna get smitedā
Sammy
Oh, I- I mean- I wasnāt- Iām sorry, Iām not meaning to, uhā
Cynthia
Tell it to Satan! In Hell, Sammy! [hangs up forcefully]
[dial tone]
Ben
This is big.
Sammy
[slightly reluctant] If you or someone you know has had a sighting of *clears throat, Ben laughs* Jack in the Box Jesus please give us a call. Uh, 424-279-3858
Ben
Youāre on King Falls AM.
Deputy Troy
Now I know what youāre thinking: how could the second coming of Godās only son happen and olā Troy here didnāt clue you in.
Ben
Not what I was thinking.
Sammy
What do you know Troy?
Deputy Troy
Well I got a suspicious persons call out at olā Yack[sic] in the Box around 9. So, I hit the lights and cruised over to see what the fuss was about. And lo and behold, back by the dumpster with a mess of people looking onā there he was.
Sammy
Now, are you really telling us thatā [still reluctant] you saw, or, you believe you saw the son of God and the King of Kings bangin around outside the Jack In The Box?
Deputy Troy
Well, he was a man. Somebodyās son, no doubt. Bearded. Good lookinā, if-if youāre into that sort of thing. He had a robe onā
Ben
[cutting in]We can solve this right now. Was he white or was he black?
Deputy Troy
He was more of a greenish color. Like a glow really.
Sammy
Alright, Troy. So, work with us here; youāre in the back of the Jack in the Box, thereās a uh, a Jesus-type guyā
Deputy Troy
Just-a-ramblinā on.
Ben
Speaking inā tongues?
Deputy Troy
Speaking in somethin. The last time I heard gibberish like that was cominā from the back of my Chevy with Shell Snyderās daughter.
Sammy
So what happened next?
Deputy Troy
Well a group of looky-loos had descended, as I said, and since it was only me, there was no perimeter set up yet. So I start ta approach this glowing Christ and somebodyā Roy Higgins if you gotta know/ā hollered out āItās Jesus!ā and the whole parking lot just went bonkers!
Ben
Well, di-did you speak to the guy?
Deputy Troy
Damn skippy. I told Roy that this was official police biz. And he shouldnāt be squawling around like a little baby.
Ben
No, Jack in the Box Jesus.
Deputy Troy
Oh, well no. I- I turned around and he was gone. Split right off into the woods, I suspect.
Sammy
Did you follow him?
Deputy Troy
Sammy. So youāre tellin me that youād follow a 6-foot-tall and glowing perp into the woods??
Sammy
[muttered] Point taken.
Ben
So any other sightings?
Deputy Troy
Well, not as of yet. But there were so many people they couldāa had a revival in that parkinā lot. So Iām guessinā thatās how word spread so quickly. And without internet, too? Thatās pretty damn impressive.
Sammy
Is there an APB out or anything?
Deputy Troy
For what, dilly-dallying around with a jumbo jack? He wasnāt doin nothin bad. Just acting a foolā Lord forgive meā where he shouldnātāa been.
Ben
And glowing.
Deputy Troy
Thatās right.
Sammy
Well, please let us know if get any more info on this, Troy. Weād appreciate it.
Deputy Troy
You bet. Iāll be sure to keep you boys and the listeninā public informed. But if you should happen to stumble upon Jesus? Do not approach, bother or pester. You just call up Olā Deputy Troy.
[hangs up]
Ben
ā¦or your local church. [dial tone]
Sammy
Deputy Troy, ladies and gents. Now weāre just going to take a quick break and hear from one of our new sponsors: Carlās Candy!
Ben
Yeah I don- I donāt think we should play this
Sammy
What? Ads pay the bills remember?
Ben
Folks, as a workaround with all the tech issues, uh, I went out and recorded a few spots of some of our sponsors- uh, new and old. Emphasis on Old, after this one.
Sammy
Okay, so the audio is bad.
Ben
*sucks in breath* You could say that.
Sammy
This companyās paid up! Theyāre scheduled in one of your many notebooks. Letās do this. Weāll be right back folks.
[slow, creepy xylophone music]
Carl
[voice is soft and creepy, like you expect from a guy who offers kids candy from the back of a van]
Do you know why they call it a blow pop? I sure do. And if you come on down to Creepy Carlās Candy, Iāll fill ya up! I mean in. [whispering] Itāll be our little secret.- A sweet tooth is a terrible thing to waste. Come find a new sugar daddy to butter your fingers at Creepy Carlās! Come in and grab a sack of Carlās Boston baked beans while youāre at it. Oops, one fell in my pocket. Free if you can find it! *Ben groaning āoh noā* Every childās welcome at Creepy Carlās, big mouths, small mouths, white mouths and brown mouths. Weāre equal opportunity! And just cause they shut down the olā brick and mortar doeānāt mean you canāt buy it from my van. Be sure to ask your parentsā permission first, kids. Creepy Carlās Candy, where the suckers donāt suck themselves. [Police sirens]
Deputy Troy
[through megaphone] Carl, turn off your ignition. You are too close to the school zone.
Carl
I gotta go! Catch ya later [tires squealing]
Ben
[desperate, in bg] The mic!
[sirens fade out]
Sammy
⦠Never again.
Ben
I tried to tell you.
Sammy
I know. Letās never speak about this.
Ben
[whispering] I need a shower.
Sammy
*sigh* ā¦Moving forward, we were just talking about a sighting that happened a few hours ago around the 9 oāclock hour, just off Main Street. It seems quite a few people believe that we may be experiencing a religious phenomenon. Perhaps the second coming ofā
Ben
[slightly gruff impression] āDonāt call it a comeback, Iāve been here for years!ā[4]
Sammy
*chuckles* Right, letās go to the phone lines.
Ben
[happily] That was good though right?
Sammy
It was good. Good evening, youāre live on King Falls AM.
Reverend Hawthorne
Ask and ye shall receive! King Falls-uh. It is the gooD Reverend Xavier āRight. With. Gaawwd-uhā Hawthorne.
Ben
Reverend Hawthorne? Are you back in town?
Reverend Hawthorne
[speaking over Ben] The One and Only, and we are turninā the wagons arounD as we speaK-uh. And weāre headinā back to my flocK-uh. Howāre yāall feelinā tonighT, King Falls- I said How are you, Feelinā!
Sammy
[softly] Weāre feeling alright.
Reverend Hawthorne
Praise GoD-uh! Hallelujah! Now a little birdie, uh-just chirpān on my shoulder, told me there was a SighTing. A Vision. Dare I say it, eyeballs were laid on our Lord and Saviour at a burger joint in our fair city.
Sammy
Yeah, about 9 oāclock here.
Reverend Hawthorne
Could it Be-uh! that our 5-week-revival worked. Could it Be-uh! that our prayers have been brought forth the lamb of God-uh. Can I get an amen!
Ben
Reverend Hawthorne weā
Reverend Hawthorne
Amen! This miracle-uh, this sight from our God-uh, perched on a Mountain of Sanctity, says that he is ready to lead-uh, his most Highly Favored, Congregation bacK to the promised land. Gimme some organ, Deacon Reggie [organ music begins playing in bg]
Sammy
[aside] Do you think Reggie has to wheel that thing around just in case?
Ben
This is getting good.
Reverend Hawthorne
Play it dirty, brother. We are going Home-uh. Take us back to Calvary, take us BACK-uh! ⦠Samuel, Benjamin may I ask you gentlemen if you have a relationship-uh with the Author of the E-ternal Sal-vation; [organ goes silent] [softly] are ya saved?
Sammy
Iāmā
Reverend Hawthorne
Then let me tell yāall, [organ starts again] because if you arenāt-uh, Iām coming back to town. One weekend only, the Xavier āRight with GoD-uhā Hawthorne Experience will be wheelinā bacK into King Falls Fairgrounds this very night-uh. We are hoping to get One- On- One with the Risen Christ and start preparinā for Kingdom Come. But just like old Xavier, you gotta come on down-uh so we can get you TurnT uP With GoD-uh. [click, dial tone]
Sammy
Xavier? Hello?
Ben
Heās, gone. Sammy.
Sammy
Well, you heard it here first folks. Xavier Hawthornās Travelling Roadshow is coming back to town. Will Jack in the Box Jesus make his stage debut?
Ben
[muttering] Tch- Jesus.
Sammy
Literally.
Ben
Do you think we could get an interview? Would it be Mr. Christ? Or-
Sammy
Something tells me that there is something more to the story than what weāve heard so far, Ben.
Ben
Tsk. I get that, but this is King Falls, Sammy.
Sammy
What a perfect place to make a return: a rinky-dink town with no internet.
Ben
Line- [muttered] dammit, thereās only one line. Uh, youāre on with Sammy and Ben.
Archie
Good eveninā fellas!
[small dogs barking in bg]
Sammy
Is thi-
Archie
Itās Archie Simmons!
Ben
He-ey Archie, howās Princess Von Barktooth?
Archie
Well, I do have news concerninā the princess, and I just want to possibly recant some info from our previous call a few weeks back.
Sammy
About the werewolves?
Archie
Correct.
Sammy
Wow. I mean, you sounded pretty convinced that you saw a werewolf.
Archie
And now Iām saying that maybe I was misinformed.
Sammy
I think you should probably tell Troy and the Sheriffās Office, Archie.
Archie
*giggles* You silly Sally, Troyās on his way over now
Ben
Why the change of heart, Archie?
Archie
Well, new information has come to light boys, I mean with the Divine One making his triumphant, and letās be honest, dramatic return to King Falls.
Sammy
Youāre talking about the glowing man at the Jack in the Box?
Archie
[softly] Letās be real here, itās the J-Man, of course a heavenly carpenter would pick King Falls. So many projects to keep busy with.
Sammy
[dryly] Uh-huh.
Archie
Plus, with the princess and this new information, we have to believe this.
Ben
You keep saying that, whatās going on with the princess Archie?
Archie
Sheās in a delicate condition.
Sammy
Oh, of course. I mean sheās been through a lot.
Archie
*giggles* No Sammy, I mean sheās with child. Ch-children. Puppies? Thereās a bun in my $2400 oven boys!
Sammy
Wait. Sheās pregnant? From the werewolf attack?!
Archie
[softly again] Well, thatās the thing. While I believed in my heart of hearts that the hillbilly beast from the trailer park had gotten to the princess, I thinkā¦
Ben
What. What do you think Archie?
Archie
I mean it was dark, I know it was a full moon but I was scared and recently awakened, sleep in my eyes etc. and so on.
Sammy
You donāt think it was the werewolves.
Archie
Iām thinking with this new evidence and the fact that I saw a long-haired, bearded man in a Biblical Actā Yeah I-I- I think- thereās a chance it could have been [whispering] the man upstairs.
Ben
[stern] Upstairs from whom?
Archie
Mankind! Come on Ben, get with the picture!
Sammy
Heās saying that because thereās been a holy sighting tonight- which we should all be a little bit doubtful of- then maybe it wasnāt the werewolves, but the Alpha and the Omega.
Ben
No! NO WA- Thatās too much, Archie. You saw the werewolf. He looked you in the eye and howled at the moon.
Archie
I donāt know what kind of weird things Jesus is into.
Ben
No way. This is ludicrous.
Archie
You just wait and see Ben! The princess may have lost her Westminster dreams, but it was all part of Godās plan.
Ben
Weāve got to go Archie *laughs* youāre crossing a line that we cannot cross at King Falls AM.
Archie
Judge Not, lest ye be judged boys. Kardashians[sic] 3:16 or a Psalm or something. I think Troyās coming around the bend anyways boys, laters!
[click, dial tone]
Sammy
You know? When I walk in the door every night I say to myself, āNothingās gonna surprise me tonightā And more times than not, I am just Dead Wrong.
Ben
Letās give the phone a rest for a moment, Sammy, the record player is just begging to be used.
Sammy
*chuckles* Not a bad idea Ben.
[phone pings]
Ben
What? *gasps* My phone! [several pings] OHH itās back baby!
Sammy
Me too! Whatās going on?
[pinging continues]
Ben
Whatās up! Oh my God, I could literally kiss the apparition of Steve Jobs.
Sammy
Hey, Iāve got a text here, Unknown Number.
Ben
Okay, what does it say?
Sammy
āI- I know why this happened. I know how to stop it. We need to talkā
Ben
What?
Sammy
No, thatās what the text said.
Ben
You donāt think this has anything to do with⦠Thank You, Jesus.
[KFAM outro]
[CREDITS]
References:
[1] Pogs - Pogs, generically called milk caps, is a game that was popular among children during the early-mid 1990s. The name pog originates from POG, a brand of juice made from passionfruit, orange, and guava; the use of POG bottle caps to play the game preceded the game's commercialization.
[2] āItās tearinā up my heart when Iām with youā - Lyrics to the song āTearinā Up My Heartā by NSYNC, an American boy band from the mid-90s
[3] Jack in the Box - American fast food chain, primarily along the west coast and southern states.
[4] āDonāt call it a comeback, Iāve been here for yearsā - lyrics to the song āMama Said Donāt Knock You Outā by LL COOL J (also came out in the 90s)
King Falls AM - Episode Thirteen: Crop Circle Jerk
View on Google Docs
Summary: November 1, 2015 - An emergency at Libbydale Farms has Deputy Troy and King Falls AM on high alert. Mysterious lights? Check. Crop Circles? Check. Intergalactic Gang War? Stay tuned to 660 on the AM Dial to find out.
[podcast intro music]
[S&B show intro]
Ben
Good evening! Youāre listening to King Falls AM ā thatās 660 on the radio dial.
Sammy
Folks, we are jumping right into it tonight. We got Deputy Troy on the line, live from Libbydale Farms. Hey, Troy, can you hear us alright?
Troy
Loud and clear, Sammy. Heard you real fine, too, Ben.
Ben
[muttered] Suck an egg.
Sammy
Okay. So, Troy. Tell the listeners what you just told us right before we went on air.
Troy
Ladies and gents, in all my yearsā and I mean all of āemā I aināt never seen anything like this! Not even comparatively close to what Iām lookinā at right this instant. [faint sounds of police radio in bg]
Ben
POINT. GET TO IT.
Troy
Gosh darnit, Ben. Iām trying to sell the magnitude of what Iām feastinā my eyes on!
Ben
Who even knew you could see Libbydale Farms from so far out in the Kiss Ass Sea aboard the SS Backstabber.
Troy
You know G-D well Iām not on a ship nor would it be called the SS Backstabber if I were. Donāt be so damn sore, Ben! Everybody knows Iām sorry! Plus- [kinda shyly] I reckon my ship be called the- USS Super Badass.
Sammy
*pointedly clears throat* Troy. Ben. Letās put our differences aside and letās get to the matter at hand. So, Troy, youāre live atā?
Ben & Troy
Libbydale Farmsā¦
Troy & Ben
Iām trying to talk!
Sammy
GUYS!
Troy
A-a-as I was sayin. Iām out here at the farm and out past the barns just hours ago, Old Man Libbydale called us in, and acres upon acres, boys, have been De.Stroyed out here.
Ben
[accusingly] Where were yoouu, earlier this evening, Troy?
Troy
Using my keen detective skills and ninja-like mental agility, I can see youāre trying to place me at the scene of the crime, little buddy. However Olā Troy was sawinā logs next to the Mrs. before. my. shift.
Ben
While crimes are being committed? *scoffs* Typical.
Troy
Now thatās a low blow just beā
[shouting over each other]
Ben
NO! NO!
Troy
ālow my pistol beltā
Ben
YOUUā Nā TROOYY!ā
Troy
ā Ben come onā
Ben
ā Tā OHH
Troy
ā this aināt about the farmā
Ben
[mocking] OHH YEAHHH- OHHH YOUāRE SOOOā
Troy
ā and you knowā
Ben
āGOOD AT FIGHTINGā
Sammy
GUYS! GUYS! [ābreak it up kidsā/dad-voice] I understand thereās renewed intensity between you two, but Ben, as co-host of this show and a respected journalistā put it away. Troy, youāre the first friend of the Sammy & Ben Show and a deputy sheriff. You guys donāt have to be best buddies, but letās please report- on the news story- at hand.
Troy
Couldnāt have said it better myself, Sammy.
Ben
[hissed] Jesus.
Sammy
So, Troy. Old Man Libbydale called you outā Acres of his lands destroyed. How so?
Troy
Yāall aināt gonna believe it, but you know I always shoot you straight⦠Two words: Crop. Circles.
Sammy
[incredulous] Crop circles?
Troy
Itās like a live action Led Zeppelin album cover as far as the eye can see! Big ones, little ones. The craziest damn designs you ever could imagine.
Ben
Troy, I assume you and the rest of Gundersonās thugsā I-mean-ādeputiesāā inspected the circles, and the surrounding areas, for man-made tools? There have been stories that men with boards tied to ropes can replicate what people believe crop circles to look like. Bending the crops at the right angles, etcetera⦠did you findā
Troy
Didnāt find anything, Ben. Not a board⦠not a footprint⦠nothinā but hunched over crops.
Ben
So you thinkā?
Troy
Oh, there isnāt a doubt in my mind itās from the UFOs or those lights. I mean, whichever you wanna call it. No man made these! And in just a few hours to boot!
Sammy
Okay. So, has this ever happened here before, Ben?
Ben
No! Nor abductions! Not even lights being so close to town. The past few months- have been a hotbed for extraterrestrial activityā it would seem.
Sammy
āIt would seemā? So you arenāt certain?
Ben
*scoff/laugh* I only said āit would seemā so you wouldnāt get all defensive about it.
Sammy
Okay, alright. Well, as much as I hate to say it, I definitely feel thereās a lot more than meets the eye here in Kings Falls.
Ben
Iām not one to say āI told you soā⦠But I DID tell you so!
Troy
Just so everybody out there knows: Libbydale Farms is private property. So, unless youāre doing the dairy farm tour in morninā, this is not an attraction for looky-loos. There is an official investigation still ongoinā here. Plus, donāt nobody need another person gettinā snatched up by the Martians either.
Ben
*smug snort* Martians are from Mars, Troy. They arenāt representative of all extraterrestrials?.
Troy
[defensive] Whateverā Ben Nye the Science Guy. Iām headinā out to the field again. I might not be smart as Ben about the aliens and such, but I can definitely sniff out a spot where the Williams boys will come lookinā for Mischief and Mayhem. [click]
[dial tone]
Sammy
Deputy Troy, folks. Now, I didnāt realize you and Troy were still so angry at one another, Ben. You canāt let that hostility clouā
Ben
THANKS, DAD! ā Weāre just gonna take a break to hear from one of our fine sponsors. Maybe Sammy here can talk to me about the birds and the bees after we get back.
Sammy
[quietly] Maybeā¦
[disquieting, melancholic piano music]
Soft, disquieting voice
What if what you thought wasnāt really what you thought you thought? ⦠Ever think of that? ⦠Here at the Institute of Science, we can help you become what youāve always wanted to become⦠A better you, for a better mankind! Call us today for a free brochure and a C-meter reading. Thatās āCā as in ācat.ā ⦠Weāre coming King Falls⦠Be well! ⦠And be ready.
[piano fades out]
[S&B theme]
Sammy
Youāre listening to King Falls AM and we are opening up the phone lines to you. 424-279-3858.
Ben
Weāll be talking about the apparent crop circle- situation at Libbydale Farms. As well as if any of you out there have had any experience with this phenomenon.
Sammy
So give us a call or tweet us @kingfallsam. So, youāve heard our story, now letās hear yours.
Ben
Line 3.
Sammy
Good evening, youāre live with Sammy and Ben.
Cynthia
Good evening? For who? Certainly not King Falls!
Sammy
Hi, Cynthia. How ābout you tell us how you really feel tonight.
Cynthia
Weellll, to be honessst, Iām a little rattled over these gang signs the aliens are leaving on our turf. Literally.
Ben
Cynthiaā there is no way to tell if those circles are- angry orrr happy! even. Theyāre *huff/laugh* just symbols.
Cynthia
Soās a swastika, Ben Arnold. Get your head out of your tuchus!
Sammy
Okay, obviously, we arenāt trying to raise alarms here, Cynthia. Itās just, uhā itās an interesting story. Especially here in our backyard. Would you not agree? Uh, you know, itās not every day you can see this kind of handiwork ā man-made or otherwise.
Cynthia
You two sound sooo happy. Weāre getting tagged in an intergalactic war and all of us in the Falls are sitting around at ground zero.
Ben
I- donāt think thatās fair tā
Cynthia
Thatās the problem! You just. donāt. think! Itās all Tim Jensonās fault, I just know it. We didnāt have any flying saucer, land-tattooing bedlam before he chased those lights.
Ben
He didnāt āchaseā anything! He was driving from work and called to report on a breaking news story.
Cynthia
Watch your tone, Ben. Iāll buy one of those rabid, disease-ridden sugar flyers and toss it in Lake Hatchenhaw. just to spite you!
Sammy
Goodnight, Cynthia.
Ben
Sugar glider. And- they are. illegal.
Cynthia
So are illegal aliens, but youāre just getting ready to throw āem a parade! I canāt! I just canāt! [click]
[dial tone]
Sammy
Heh, alright, uh⦠Line 12, youāre live on King Falls AM.
Emily
Hi, Sammy! Hi, Ben!
Ben
Emily! IāI didnāt realize you were back in town!
Emily
I just got back. I was listening on the way in! My mom and I actually drove by the farm and saw all the commotion over there. Police; reportersā big lawn-mower thingiesā¦
Ben
Lawn mowers?
Sammy
Uh, yā know, if you donāt mind me asking, Emily, why were you out of town?
Emily
Oh, I flew out to Buford, Wyoming,[1] for the annual small town librarian expo! And I had my mom pick me up from the airport sinceā Ben was on the air.
Sammy
Wow. So you guys are in the taking and picking up from the airport stage of yourrrā
Ben
Friendship. Is that the- word- youāre- searching for, Sammy?
Sammy
[kinda smug] Thaaat was exactly the one, Ben.
Emily
*soft laugh* You guys are so silly. But I just wanted to say āhiā and tell Ben Iām back home now!ā Oh! And starting next week, Iāve got a whole bunch of fun activities I learned from the expo to start doing at the library! Hopefully we can get some of the scared kids back now.
Ben
Iāll call you later, Emily.
Emily
Goodnight, Ben! Night, Sammy!
[click, dial tone]
Sammy
Emily Potter, ladies and gents. King Falls Librarian and Benās⦠Friend.
Ben
[shyly] Yeah-yeah⦠Lucky Line 1, youāre on King Falls AM.
Greg
Hey, guys! Itās Greg Frickard!
Sammy
Hi, Greg! You know, we appreciate you running the ads on the show, sir. Itās so nice to meet youuu⦠uh, over the phone, of course.
Greg
Thanks, Sammy! Iā thinkā weāve- talked before, and uh, glad to run the spot! Me and Granny Frickard love the show! You should hop on down to the Froggery and weāll hook ya up!
Sammy
I might have to take you up on that offer, Greg!
Greg
Weād love to have you! You too, Benā¦
Ben
Greg, youāre a lifelong King Falls resident⦠w-weāve been talking about the crop circles out at ā
Greg
Oh I know. Iāve been listening, butā I was actually calling about- sssomething elseā if thatās okay.
Sammy
Uh, yyyeah. Sure thing, Greg. Whatās on your mind?
Greg
Well, I heard Ben and Miss Potter a second ago and they made aā declaration of friendship? Is that correct?
Sammy
Oh! U-uh. Is- this about Emily?
Ben
[suspicious] Did you- call before, when Emily was in the studio, Greg?
Greg
Uh, noo⦠*nervous laugh* that must have beeeen⦠somebody else. But is that true, Ben? Are you and Miss Potter just friends?
Ben
[terse] Good friends. *tsk* Close. Friends⦠Real close.
Greg
Huhhh! ⦠Well th- okay! Thatās all I needed to know! Thanks a million, buddy.
Sammy
Heyā Greg. You didnāt have a comment orrā
Greg
Oh, no, no! I jā *chuckles* I donāt know the first thing about crop circles andā what-have-you. Uhh, itās real interesting and all! but- Miss Potterās lovely voice just⦠[sighing dreamily] speaks to me. I always just assumed that Ben and Emily were⦠ābfā and āgfā respectively, *laughs* but⦠if thatās not the case, thennnā¦
Sammy
Ben? You okay?
Ben
I donāt like putting ourā personal lives out there in the public eyeā¦
Greg
Well, gee, Ben, Iāmā only asking because ifff youāre into friendship with the lovely Miss Potter, andā Iām afraid, uhhh, I might just have to be into courtship. *chuckle* Granny wants to see me married before going into the great By-and-Byā
Ben
Bye-bye to you too! Greg. Looks like we lost lineā
Greg
Iām still here, pals! Now about that thingā
Ben
[click, dial tone] Line 7, youāre on King Falls AM?
Sammy
Did you just hang up onnnā
Ben
I would never. LINE 7.
Herschel
Iād like to place a complaint, rrright this instant.
Sammy
Herschel?
Ben
Is everything okay, Mr. Baumgartner?
Herschel
Would I call into you nincompoops if everything was hunky-dory?
Ben
I guess not⦠No.
Sammy
So, what seems to be the issue, Herschel?
Herschel
All this yackinā about G-D UFOs and crop circles, for starters. Makes my damn d[bleep]k itch.
Sammy
Sir! This isā
Herschel
Did you call me to tell me what to think, comrade? Or did I call you to talk about an issue?
Sammy
Please continue, Mr. Baumgartnerā¦
Herschel
Thank you. So, Iām out on the lake tonightā got up brright and early, so I could make sure I got my special spot.
Ben
āGot up earlyā? Itāsā just now a little past 2ā¦
Herschel
You the sleep police?! Ya little bastard⦠I thought not.
Ben
Sorry, Herschel.
Herschel
So Iām trollin, out on the⦠well. That parts Top Secret, boys. But Iām trollin, so I donāt scare the bigguns away, and those g[bleep]ddamn sons of b[bleep]chinā rainbow lights start blowinā through the sky. Looked like Josephās Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat[2] was fightinā that big Jap lizard!
Sammy
Godzilla? Please donāt use derogatory worā
Herschel
McCarthy[3] wouldāa skinned your ass alive, you Red[4] sack āa sh[bleep]t! Can I tell my story?!
Sammy
Of course, Iām just asking you not toā
Ben
[quickly] Iām on the button. Sammy. Heh. Herschelās gonna Herschel!
Sammy
Okay. So, you saw the lights tonightā¦
Herschel
Saw āem? Hell. They scared the literal piss out of me. Got a trickle down my Carhartts[5] look like the state of Florida. Iām out here naked as a jaybird! Not a fish in sight.
Ben
Iām sorry, did you just reference a musical, Mr. Baumgartner?
Herschel
Oh, just ācause I like some colorful metaphors, means I canāt be refined, Ben?!
Ben
I wasnātā I didnātā im-implyā Iām-Iām just sayingā
Herschel
[softly, for Herschel] Olā Mrs. Baumgartner, (god rest your sexy soul, Edna), used to love those hippy-dippy singing plays. And Iād do anything to keep in those pants, fellas.
Sammy
Oh, god.
Ben
Awww. [pleading] Can we get back to the lights?
Herschel
That Edna. Oh, lemme tell ya⦠Oh! Uh, yeahā the damn lights! Yeah, so, I saw āem. What the hell else am I supposed to tell ya about it?!
Sammy
Well, you were calling to complain about them, Iām sure.
Herschel
Thatās right! Iād like to report that no-good drunkard! Cecil Sheffield! Called that cumbersome ass-wart damn near 15 times to come bring me a pair of skivvies to no avail! Avoiding my calls and his duties as the co-winner of this damn boat!
Ben
Itāsā so late, Mr. Baumgartner. Iām-Iām sure heās sleeping now.
Herschel
You would take up with him!
Sammy
W-well, Benās just sayinā that he isnāt avoiding you so much as heās, you knowā probably asleep.
Herschel
Sleeping one off! Soggy son of a b[bleep]h. He knows if I ring the special line, itās a damn emergency.
Ben
So, you guys have made up?
Herschel
Made up my ass! If heās gonna be ācoā-anything with Herschel F. Baumgartner, that tally-whackerās gonna have to keep up his end of the bargain.
Sammy
To be at your beck and call in case you⦠soil yourselfā¦
Herschel
Donāt be crass!
Ben
So, you guys are actually sharing the boat? Thatās awesome! I figured you onlyā
Herschel
I aināt sharin a damn thing with that son of a b[bleep]h! Stop stirrinā the pot or Iāll make what Charlie did to John McCain look like foreplay, Ben Arnold!
Sammy
So, to the point. Youāre calling to complain about Cecil because heās sleeping through your time of need?
Ben
But! He is corroborating seeing the lights, Sammy! Thatās a big deal.
Herschel
Just have an intern or something bring me some britches and stop fiddle fu[bleep]ing fuss! 32 long! Iāll be at Begleyās. Heās probably peering out his window lookin for a damn show⦠I donāt like beige! [click]
[dial tone]
Sammy
Youāre on King Falls AM with Sammy and Ben.
Riley
Please hold the line for Mayor Grisham.
Sammy
This again?
Ben
*groans*
Sammy
You know, I wonder, do you wake him when we say special keywords, or�
Riley
Mayor? Youāre on with Sammy and Ben.
Grisham
Sammy. Ben. I hate to rain on your little topic of discussion tonight, but letās shut it down. Itād be much appreciated.
Ben
What??
Sammy
The always-fair, Mayor Grisham, folks. Remember this come election time next year.
Grisham
Do you think that a public servant should have to call the local āTom & Joe Chucklehut Showā to ask them not to jeopardize a police investigation?
Sammy
Do you ever call Channel 13 and tell them what to report and how? We are a topical late night talk show, Grisham.
Grisham
Mayor.
Sammy
I didnāt vote for you.
Grisham
Fair enough. I donāt expect you to respect anything but your own pathetic grab for ratings. Now, regarding Channel 13ā
Ben
Sorry, Mayor. Obviously, Sammy is flustered. He wouldnāt have used such a bad example if he was thinking straightā
Grisham
The answer to your question, Sammy, is no. I wouldnāt call in and tell a reputable news agency how to do their job. BUT, amazingly enough, I continue to have to ask you to stop your rhetoricā seemingly once a month or so. Interesting, donāt you think?
Ben
You do realize the only people that watch Channel 13 are drunks that canāt find the remote and animals left alone with the TV on, right?
Grisham
Whatever helps you sleep better, Ben. I can tell you for a fact that, right now, Storm Sanders is probably not working a ālocal yokelā interview and digging up the muck. Heās reporting on city ordinance 29.44371.
Ben
Storm is knee deep in a barrel of backyard bathtub hooch during commercial breaks.
Sammy
So, Mayor. What is this ordinance? Ya know, since we arenāt reporting the news to your liking, give us a glimpse into what works for you.
Grisham
The add-on to the local YMCA? The new menu over at Roseās! Iām not paid a handsome salary to do your job.
Sammy
Oh, right! I forget you think you can dictate what we report on, for free.
Ben
Sammy⦠theyāre destroying the crop circles! Thatās the ordinance!
Grisham
Thereās hope for you yet, Ben. Donāt go down with this ship. Iāll put a good word in for you elsewhere.
Sammy
You son of a b[bleep]h! Youāre destroying the crop circles?! That could be the only thing that brings Tim Jenson home!
Grisham
Donāt bring Tim Jenson into this! The city is paying Libbydale Farms a fair share for their remaining crops! But it is in the publicās best interest to mow down this batch of mischief accordingly! Especially after this broadcast.
Sammy
*derisive scoff/laugh* You are despicable.
Grisham
These affairs arenāt your business to ramble on about⦠Do the weather! Talk about traffic! I mean, I filled those potholes! Stop making trouble!
Sammy
Freedom of the Press. When your assistant isnāt typing out our every word, maybe have her look it up and tell you all about it.
Grisham
I canāt wait to hear about it! And hereās a little phrase for you to look up too! OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE.
Sammy
Uh-huh.
Grisham
Do you think using your connections to officers of the law to report on ābreaking newsā is fine and dandy, Stevens?? *sniffs* You are perverting the course of this case. Thingsā especially ongoing issuesā arenāt meant to be talked about until all the facts are out there! And youā *sniffs* IDIOTS are playing on the scene, reporting with your bagel-eating buddy! who happens to be a cop.
Ben
*scoffs* ās not my buddy.
Sammy
BEN.
Ben
Iām not throwing you under the bus, Sammy. I just hate Troy.
Grisham
So, the moral of the story would be, gents⦠some things require couth. Some things require kid gloves when handling. And most things donāt need to be aired in the public for ratings and entertainment. A perfect example being how, Iām sure Sheriff Gunderson will handle Deputy Krieghauser on his own, for calling into this joke of a show with police business constantly. Doubt youāll see that done during a press conference.
Ben
Uh⦠is that⦠really necessary, sir?
Grisham
This show is a breeding ground for incompetence, and youāre now dragging your pals down with you. Straighten Up and Fly Right.
Sammy
Troy doesnāt need to be punished for you to make your point, Grisham.
Grisham
Out Of My Hands⦠Iāve already had Riley send my opinions on it over to the good sheriff! Now again, I ask you: pick a different topic of discussion. Maybe one that wonāt lead to the continued pain and misery for all those around you. Night night, fellas! [click]
[dial tone]
Sammy
[quickly] Iām gonna call Troy.
Ben
Umm, uh *nervous stuttering* W-weāll be back after thisā King Falls. Weāll- weāll take some- calls about uhh⦠*helpless scoff* I guess weāll- seeā¦
[KFAM outro]
[CREDITS]
References
[1] Buford, Wyoming - āAmericaās Smallest Townā, Buford is mostly just a convenience store/gas station. The population was 1-2 from ~1995 until it was completely abandoned in 2017.
[2] Josephās Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat - Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat is a musical comedy with lyrics by Tim Rice and music by Andrew Lloyd Webber. The story is based on the "coat of many colors" story of Joseph from the Bible's Book of Genesis.
[3] McCarthy - Joseph Raymond McCarthy was a Republican U.S. Senator from 1947 until his death in 1957. Beginning in 1950, McCarthy became the most visible public face of the āRed Scareā, a period in the United States in which Cold War tensions fueled fears of widespread Communist subversion. He is known for alleging that numerous Communists and Soviet spies and sympathizers had infiltrated the United States federal government, universities, film industry, and elsewhere.
[4] Red - Communist
[5] Carhartts - Carhartt, Inc., is a U.S.-based apparel company founded in 1889. Carhartt is known for its work clothes, such as jackets, coats, overalls, coveralls, vests, shirts, jeans, dungarees, fire-resistant clothing and hunting clothing.
King Falls AM - Episode Twelve: All the Pretty Flowers
View on Google Docs
Summary: October 15, 2015 - Against Ben's wishes, Sammy broaches a touchy subject after witnessing a hearse delivering white roses on his way into the station. Is it a King Falls Halloween tradition or could it be something more sinister? #RedRumRoses
[podcast intro music]
[jazz music]
Chet
Well the clock on the wall is telling me thatās all, yāall. So Iām gonna mosey on down to The Red Rock bar and buy all the ladies a drink on me. But donāt try to fool me again, Dennis. This has been Chet Sebastianās Jazz Corner. Until next time⦠keep it cool King Falls.
[Sammy & Ben Show intro music]
Ben
Good evening, youāre listening to King Falls AM [door closing]ā thatās 660 on the radio dial. [slightly irked] And this is the Sammy and Ben showā sans-Sammy at the moment.
[footsteps]
Sammy
Sorry about that, Ben! everybody at home. I was just running a little late. I was j- Y-you know, I just saw the weirdest thing!
Ben
Was it Chet leaving? I told him to take that fur coat off. Guy looks like he walked off a set of a Blaxploitation[1] film.
Sammy
*laughs* No, I wish Iād seen that. But I was driving in tonight- I was running a tad bit late, as you can see, and I swear to you: Iām coming up Main Street, I got behind a hearse delivering these giant white rose bouquets! Like, every couple of streets the damn thingās stoppinā!
Ben
No.
Sammy
No *laughs* yeah it did.
Ben
⦠SOOOOO⦠Weeeāve got a great show for you folks tonight. Uh, Ernie Salcedoā¦
Sammy
Ben.
Ben
*pointedly clearing his throat* ⦠Yes?
Sammy
Okay, I can see you slashing at your neck furiously and shaking your head ānoā, but the audience canāt. Sooo, whatās the issue here?
Ben
*nervously* Iām sorry we⦠just donāt talk about this, Sammy.
Sammy
So you know of it! Is it like some kind of weird Halloween thing?
Ben
[flatly] Halloween? Are you serious? We donāt celebrate Halloween here in the Falls, Sammy.
Sammy
WHAT? This is like frigginā Halloween Town! You know those shops that open up every year around Halloween and close the day after? King Falls is where all those shops should move to when itās not Halloween.
Ben
Two things. 1) Thatās a horrible business model, and 2) Halloween is one, big, diabetic pumpkin.
Sammy
Come on? You donāt like decorating? Trick-or-treating?
Ben
ALL OF IT. Itās like youāreā tempting these ghouls and goblins to come and mess with you. We get enough of that here. And again, diabetes.
Sammy
Okay, I can see where youāre coming from, but Iām not gonna lieā this is kind of a surprise.
Ben
What can I say? Weāre more the Christmas or Arbor Day types.
Sammy
Okay, so the hearse is delivering flowers. Whatās the deal if itās not a Halloween⦠ritual?
Ben
Did you really see that? Did someone tell you to mess with me about this?
Sammy
Scoutās Honor. I was late because of it! I illegally passed on a double yellow line (sorry Deputy Troy) just to skate around āem and make my way up the mountain.
Ben
⦠I donāt like this. I-I donāt know that Iāve ever known anyone that saw the flowers delivered. Usually businesses and people just find the wreaths the next morning. D-Di-Did you see inside the hearse? Was it⦠people?
Sammy
You know, I didnāt look, but Iām gonna go out on a limb and say⦠it was a human being.
Ben
Well, thatās good. *breath* Itās something.
Sammy
Okay, so the rosesā¦
Ben
[voice breaking] Damnit, Sammy! We got a show scheduled, ya know?
Sammy
Iām well aware! Just fill me in about the roses and weāll move on.
Ben
[muttering] Yeah yeah, okay, so⦠*deep breath* Every year, around this timeā
Sammy
Halloweenā¦
Ben
OCTOBER.
Sammy
Uh-huhā¦
Ben
Everyā October⦠there is a certain society of peopleā and I use the term āpeopleā looselyā that congregate and deliver the rose wreaths to individuals and businesses. Thatāsā a fact.
Sammy
And?
Ben
Annnd⦠nobody really knows what happens after that.
Sammy
[audible grin] But legend has itā¦!
Ben
Donāt ālegend-has-itā me! Nobody knows for sure! Why gossip?
Sammy
Okay. What do you think happens, Ben?
Ben
*breathes in* Uuuugghhhh⦠Well, I think people either accept this weirdā invitation or⦠they donāt. But I can tell you, the people that donāt? Well⦠they donāt, last long after that.
Sammy
Okay. So weāve just went from spooky 1-800-Flowers to murder in only a few easy steps.
Ben
Not- murder- per say, but⦠businesses that decline tend to⦠move away or go under. Or tragedy strikes. Sure, I-Iāve heard stories of these folks winding up on the wrong end of a funeral ceremony, but⦠I couldnāt prove it. Are you satisfied now?
Sammy
Of course. Thank you, Ben. King Falls, youāve heard our story, now letās hear yours!
Ben
DONāT open the phone lines!
Sammy
Weāre-opening-up the phone lines here at the station! 424-279-3858. Have you had contact with this demonic annual floral delivery? Hit us up!
Ben
Donāt call or tweet us. Please.
Sammy
Give us a call or tweet us @KingFallsAM, [smugly] Ben will personally answer every tweet #RedrumRoses[2]
Ben
NOPE! Not gonna happen.
Sammy
Benā¦[faux sympathy] It looks like the phone lines are lighting up, buddy.
Ben
I expected better of you, King Falls.
Sammy
Lucky Line 1, youāre on the air with Sammy And Ben.
Pete
Low-down, gossip-mongering, muckraking filth.
Ben
[flatly] Pete?
Sammy
[quiet and amused] Escobar?
Pete
N-uh- itās Pete. You know damn well Iām listeninā.
Ben
Wwhatās on your mind tonight, Pete?
Sammy
Did your mom teach you to start off phone calls with name-calling, Pete?
Pete
[faint creaking in bg] My mom taught me to⦠stand up for myself! Donāt start a fight, but donāt be afraid to end it.
Sammy
Whoās fighting?
Pete
Oh, what a short attention span you have, Sammy. Not dwelling on you and Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard III issues; youāre picking a fight with the Unknown! Ben told you to shut your trap. [very faint sounds of driving]
Sammy
Heh, lemme tell you, this would a long four hours if we didnāt talk and, yā know, sometimes you have toā
Pete
Yeah yeah, I get it, Mr. Nincompoop Radio Host. [creaking] You gotta blab. But thatās something you donāt trifle with. You should know this.
Ben
Sammy, you know I hate to say Pete is right about anything, butā
Pete
But Iām right about this! I know you know, Ben. Thatās all I need to know. Stop yapping about things you donāt understand.
Ben
Thanks, Pete.
Sammy
[mostly resigned] Did you have a question or an experience with the flowers, Pete?
Pete
Abs-absolutely not! Iā d-donāt try to get me in trouble. [car door closing]
Ben
You okay over there, Pete?
Pete
[failing at being nonchalant] Yeah Iām just out, and⦠uh, just out.
Sammy
[incredulous] This time of night?
[car door slamming]
Pete
Yeah! Iām- runninā errands and- stuff like that, yāknow. āTās- Itās not- itās not your business!
Ben
[literally tongue-in-cheek] Uh-huhā¦
Pete
Youāre makinā something of this. Yer- youāre doinā somethinā, youāre getting me invoā Stop.
Ben
Itās just weird, Mr. Beauregardās gardener is out at 2 in the morning, running errands.
Sammy
So your boss doesnāt have anything to do with the roses, does he, Pete?
Pete
Ben Arnold. If youāve got a lick of good sense, I wouldnāt walk too close to Sammy for the next feww⦠mmā mmmm⦠lifetimes! Heās gonna wind up on the bottom end of an anvil.
Sammy
You know, I just donāt think asking questions is the equivalent of buying ACME rocket kits and trying to catch a damn bird.[3]
Ben
[semi-stern] Yāmind answering his question, Pete?
[creaking]
Pete
Oh, HELL NO. You two are a couple āa horse patoots. Iām never listening to this show again.
Ben
Until tomorrow.
Pete
PETE OUT! [click, dial tone]
Ben
Are you happy, Sammy? Is this what you were hoping for?
Sammy
Civilized conversation is the only thing I look for. That said⦠Iām gonna say, itās a tad bit suspicious.
Ben
There are dots we donāt need to connect. MOVING ON!
Sammy
Maybe youāre right.
Ben
Folks, weāre gonna take a break to pay some bills, and weāll be right back and on schedule.
[rattle, guitar strums]
Dale (presumably)
[voice is a low murmur (for lack of a better word)] Daleās Dollar Tree⦠[strum] at dirt cheap prices⦠[strum] itās almost free. [guitar,western music] Hi, everybody, Iām super excited to tell you ābout some unbelievable deals we have right now⦠at Daleās Dollar Tree. Letās segue to the savinās [eagle screech] Our low prices are guaranteed⦠Whoās guaranteeing it, you ask? ⦠Me⦠[guitar stops] How do you take advantage of these savings? [strum, rattle] 1) Walk into Daleās Dollar Tree [strum] 2) Throw somethinā in your cart [strum] 3) Savings. [guitar] Daleās Dollar Tree. [eagle screech]
[S&B theme]
Sammy
Ladies and gentlemen, we are back and youāre listening to King Falls AM. Now we were just talking about me running late this morning, because of a, uh, hearseā
Ben
[cutting Sammy off] So weāve got a great show scheduled tonight. Weāve got Mr. Eli Goldblum on later in the hour.
Sammy
And who is Mr. Goldblum?
Ben
Are you kidding me? Only the most renowned post-mortal psychologist known to man! Heās on his spoken-word world tour, and this Thursday, you can see him live at the King Falls Convention Center.
Sammy
⦠Thatāsss-something.
Ben
Indeed! So thatās in about⦠forrrty minutes. Uh, we got Rose, (from Roseās Diner, of course) calling in to talk about how the Bee Crisis is affecting her honey-baked ham specials for the- foreseeable future.
Ben
Come on, Sammy. This bee situation is serious business.
Sammy
You get points for not buzzing or saying ābeeees-nessā
Ben
You donāt wanna know how hard that wasā¦
Sammy
-eh- Okay. So, how can we help with the bees?
Ben
Uhhh⦠cut- back- on swatting them?? *awkward laugh* I-I-I donāt know for sure thatās-thatās why weāre talkinā to Rose.
Sammy
Gotcha!
Ben
And our first topic of discussion this eveningā was gonna beā
Sammy
About the flowers.
Ben
Donāt.
Sammy
Okay, look. Can we open up the phone lines again? Iād like to talk about these flowers. Uh, you tell King Falls your topic, and then weāll see what they wanna talk about.
Ben
You know theyāll talk about the damn rose wreaths!
Sammy
You heard it here, folks. Line 7, youāre on with Sammy and Ben.
Herschel
Ugh, I canāt sleep with all this damn racket going on! You two DINGLEBERRIES keep it down!
Sammy
*laugh* Herschel??
Herschel
Oh, hell. Donāt make me get out of bed and give you a full blast so late at night! [muttered] Donāt even know where my slippers areā¦
Ben
Mr⦠Baumgartner, you realize you called us, right? This is- the radio station.
Herschel
I know who and what I called. I dialed you DICKWHISTLES because all this [mocking] cry-babying about the damn flowers. Turn that jazz fella back on so- so I can get some rest!
Sammy
Chet is on from 10 to 2, Mr. Baumgartner. This is Sammy and Ben and we- talk aboutā
Herschel
I donāt give a damn if itās Tricky Dick Nixon calling to give me a Congressional Medal of Honor! You shut your nose holes about the damn funeral flowers. And play me some heroin-fueled American art! [click]
[dial tone]
Sammy
Weāre gonna count that as one for the flowersā¦
Ben
Line 14, youāre live on the air.
Creeper
Long time listener here!
Sammy
[click, dial tone]
Ben
Did you hang up, Sammy?
Sammy
Yeeaah, sorry. I hate that guy.
Ben
Line 3,*chuckles* this is King Falls AM.
Beauregard
Good evening, Benjamin. Samuel. This isā
Ben
Beauretard?![sic]
Beauregard
*sigh* Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard the Third. My man told me that you were spreading more lies than usual on your little āradio show.ā I thought I would call and clear the air.
Sammy
Mr. Beauregard, can I just say, before this call goes ANY furtherā that we will not accept any abuse towards us or the listeners of this show.
Beauregard
How cute that you think people listen to you two buffoons.
Ben
Thatās abuse! Thatās exactly what we wereā
Beauregard
Oh, thatās a joke where I come from. You millennials would never have lasted back in my day. With your emotions and feelings and the like.
Ben
When was that day, again, Mr. Beauregard?
Beauregard
Information about myself and my family, can be found in my international, best-selling e-book, āKing of King Fallsā ⦠I donāt have to answer toā wellā you.
Sammy
*sigh* Did you have a reason for the call tonight, Beauregard?
Beauregard
Indeed, I do. While men with any couth wouldnāt speak about festivities that they know nothing aboouutā
Sammy
So, youāre behind these deliveries?
Ben
Also, while I would never name names and throw my friend under a busā you should know this wasnāt the agreed upon topic of the show.
Sammy
Oh, stop it.
Beauregard
[agonizingly insincere] I donāt know a thing about the supposed yearly white rose deliveries you speak of. My family, nor myself, have ever been involved with such jovality.[sic] In fact, in all my years I canāt recollect such a thing.
Ben
I donāt buy that for a second. Maybe youāve never sent the roses, andā letās play devilās advocate and say, sure, youāve never received them (which I doubt), but there is No Way you havenāt heard of this.
Beauregard
Maybe itās something you commoners have made up, like, uhh- the tooth fairy or theĀ IlluminatiĀ orrrā equal rights for the sexes.
Ben
I canāt deal with this guy! Just dump him and letās take another line.
Sammy
Wait⦠Mr. Beauregard. If you donāt care about thisā and, in fact, havenāt even heard of it until tonightā why would you bother to break your Hate-Silence with us to call in?
Beauregard
Youāre not nearly as dumb as you look, Stevens! And while I continue to honor my statement beforeā Iād have to assume that this āroseā ordeal is a real thing. Itās probably a very special thing! An intimate invitation sent by the upper echelons of King Falls. A way of making amends or bring people worthy of attention, into a conversation that normally would not have been invited to have.
Ben
Just for everyone keeping score at home: I took a college course on Crazy and I believe he is saying he knows that the wreath deliveries are real, and he is probably behind them.
Beauregard
Time is money, gentleman. Not that you understand that concept. But instead of painting a ceremony you know nothing about as tragic and scaryā perhaps itās not. Perhaps itās something more than that, entirely. In any case, itās not something that should be spoken about in public. [phone pings] Ahhh⦠Iāll be going now, āgentlemen.ā And while I do use that word lightly, perhaps take a break from your radio program and⦠check your door.
Sammy
I wonder what he sounds like when he has something nice to say to people.
Ben
He probably hasnāt said anything nice to a person since the 60s⦠The 1860s.
Sammy
Ya know, I didnāt mean to ruffle anyoneās feathers tonight. Especially crazy old billionaires who try to drive us off the airā so letās justā
Ben
IāM GONNA GO CHECK THE DOOR.
Sammy
What?!
Ben
Yeah. [chair sliding out] Iām sorry, man. Beauregard gives me the willies [squeak] and I wanna make sure there isnātā
Sammy
A sugar-glider on a noose?
Ben
Too far. I was just gonna sayā that he hasnāt had Pete ding-dong-ditch us- or something.
Sammy
And here I thought the Williams boys had that market cornered.
Ben
Iāll be back in a sec. [footsteps rushing off]
Sammy
[shouting after him] Donāt talk about Pete that way, Ben! Heās never gonna listen to the show again! Alright, folks. We are just a few hot minutes away from Eli Goldblum coming into the studio to talk about, [ominous bg music starts] uh⦠Iām guessing- ghosts with lingering mental issues? Ah, sorryā apparitions. [footsteps rushing back] Iām holding out hope for an apparition with multiple personality disorder, but I donāt know if thatās a thing or not⦠[chair squeak, Ben sitting] Ben? You okay, buddy?
Ben
[upset] How many times, did I ask you to stop talking about the stupid, hearse, Sammy?
Sammy
Whatās wrong?
Ben
[sarcastic] Oh, nothing. You wanna go outside and take a look?
Sammy
You know, I donāt think I want to. Iām happy with you filling me in.
Ben
Well, I didnāt go outside, Sammy! I didnāt have to. I looked out the front window.
[ominous bg music getting louder]
Sammy
Yeah? And?
Ben
[hissed] damnit
Sammy
⦠Ben. What is going on? Do we need to call Troy?
Ben
The whole parking lot- your car, MY carā as far as the lights will let me seeā Nothing but white roses, man.
Sammy
⦠Are you serious?
Ben
Go look!! Just donāt go out there, huh? It looked like it was snowing, thatās how many of those damn things are out there.
Sammy
[scrambling for optimism] Whatās the chances that itās just a non-Halloween bouquet from Emily to you?
Ben
ZERO. Zero percent chance, Sammy.
Sammy
[seriously] Folks, weāll be right back after a word from our sponsors.
[KFAM outro]
[CREDITS]
References
[1] Blaxploitation - Blaxploitation or blacksploitation is an ethnic subgenre of the exploitation film that emerged in the United States during the early 1970s. The films, while popular, suffered backlash for disproportionate numbers of stereotypical film characters showing bad or questionable motives, including roles as criminals.
[2] #RedrumRoses - Redrum is from the psychological horror film The Shining. Itās āmurderā spelled backward.
[3] āACME rocket kits and trying to catch a damn birdā - I sincerely hope no one will ever be too young for this reference, but I once had my little brothers ask who Mr. Rogers was so: this is a reference to the Looney Toons cartoons, Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner. In each episode, Coyote repeatedly attempts to catch and eat the Road Runner, a fast-running ground bird, but is never successful. In order to catch the Road Runner, Coyote uses absurdly complex contraptions- most acquired from the mail-order company ACME- to try to catch his prey, which all backfire comically with Coyote often getting injured in slapstick fashion.
Summary: September 15, 2015 - Sammy & Ben welcome in studio guest, medium Miss Olivia DuPont, however a miscommunication of her talents brings up some painful memories that both Ben & Deputy Troy wish to forget.
[podcast intro music]
Sammy
[agitated] Iām not gonna debate you maāam, Iām just trying to say that gravity really isnāt something thatās up for discussion, sheesh.
Ben
[amused] Donāt take it personally. Mrs. Bodenheimer told me in third grade that she didnāt believe in air.
Sammy
ā¦conditioning?
Ben
Oh, no! Air. In general. She thought oxygen was a satanic fairy tale concocted by God-hating scientists.
Sammy
[disbelieving] Yet she was in charge of educating you and hundreds of other youngsters.
Ben
College diploma goes a long way in a little town, buddy.
Sammy
Alright, well up next weāve got a pretty interesting visitor coming in studio with us.
Ben
Hopefully so!
Sammy
Oā you donāt know her?
Ben
I do not, but she sent us a ton of emails during the electrolocaust and said she was a big fan.
Sammy
All of them say she has a special talent sheād like to share with us and the listeners
Ben
Absolutely, and sheāll be coming up after a word from our sponsors.
[dramatic eerie music]
Announcer
On the season premier of the nationās number one paranormal investigation show: Mission Apparition. [theatrical crash] Dan and the team find themselves in a sticky situation. [static]
Dan
[echoing] They had to shut this place down after all the accidents. This is Tannerās Taffy factory and itās been abandoned since 1991. [static]
Announcer
ā¦or has it?
Dan
Thereās, uhā God thereās a lot of EVP activity around [walkie talkie sound] Larry, Larry Iād think you better go.
[theatrical crash]
Dan
[walkie click] [hushed] Larry? Larry! [walkie click] Larry go!
Larry
[creepy, ascending, violin-screech sound effects] [through walkie] I see the lights, man, I see it
Dan
Larry move your ass!
Announcer
Itās another canāt-miss episode from the show that doesnāt miss a thing when it comes to the extraordinary: Mission Apparition
[News music]
NEWS ANCHOR
Season premier, tonight at 9pm on King Falls Channel 13.
[KFAM theme]
Ben
That is- ridiculous.
Sammy
Weāre live, Ben.
Ben
I know! It doesnāt change the fact that āMission Apparitionā sucks as much as the channel that shows it.
Sammy
It sounded pretty interesting to me.
Ben
Dan and Larry from that show? wouldnāt know what to do in a haunted situation to save their lives. Stupid meters and light particles, [āstupid voiceā imitation] āoh hey I know! letās shoot some night vision so everything looks pretty scary and suspect!ā Idiots.
Sammy
You donāt have to get hot about it.
Ben
Oh, Iām just fine, Sammy. Iām simply saying, Mission Apparition is a dumb show Made by dummies For dummies.
Sammy
Ladies and gentlemen, please be sure to direct all your hateful tweets to @kingfallsam and weāll make sure Ben answers each and every one.
Ben
Get at me twitter! #bringit
Sammy
*laughs* On a different note, we have a guest in studio with us tonight. She is a self-professed mediumā
Olivia
[slight South African accent] Miss Olivia DuPont. Heh, see I knew it was coming.
Sammy
[laughing] Youāre good Miss DuPont. So Ben tells me you emailed us in hopes of coming on the show?
Olivia
I was very eager to come visit my favourite late-night AM talk show and maybe help some people with some closure along the way.
Ben
Thanks Miss DuPont, we are happy to have you.
Olivia
Oh, please call me Golden Owl. *Who-whoo who-whoo!*
Sammy
Ummmā¦
Olivia
*Laughs* What a hoot and riot, you should have seen your face Sammy. Please, call me Olivia.
Ben
Ha. S- soo⦠um, you arenāt from King Falls, is that correct?
Olivia
That is, I live a few towns over. Up in Big Pine. Thatās where my shop is as well.
Ben
I love Big Pine! I- I used to go camping there as a kid! Itās beautiful and so laid-back.
Sammy
Laid-back? I didnāt know it got slower then King Falls!
Ben
Youāll have to excuse Shotgun Sammy here, heās a Big City guy.
Sammy
Anyway, so how did you find out that you had this talent, Olivia? That you were a medium.
Olivia
Oh, from a very young age. My parents were veterinarians and we lived in an apartment above their office, so I used to hear- so many lost souls. Day in and day out.
Ben
Lost souls? Wh-why were these people hanging out at the vets?
Olivia
[confused] People?
Sammy
Iām sorry, Olivia. Maybe weāve got our wires crossed here. We were under the impression that you were a psychic.
Olivia
[firmly] Medium. Psychics are low life charlatans.
Sammy
Iām sorry, a medium.
Olivia
A medium is someone whose 6th sense is so in tune, so aware, that a bridge is made to the other side, in which we can communicate with our loved ones.
Ben
Uh, but- but again why were the souls of people hanging out at your parentsā vet office?
Olivia
*scoffs* What does this have to do with people, Ben?
Sammy
Okay, this bridge that youāve-youāve built to the other side. Is it not for people?
Olivia
[laughing] Heavenās no!
Ben
Iām lost.
Olivia
Well Iām- one of a kind, I get human interference from- time to time, you know [long-suffering] a mother looking to reconnect with her kids, a brother that died in the war. Ugh. I ignore that. This is about our deceased loved ones. The furry kind, or feathered! or what-have-you.
Ben
Wait. You talk to dead pets?
Olivia
Harsh, but not incorrect Ben.
Ben
[growing slightly frantic]Oh, no, see I-I-I booked you so we could talk about your gift and take some calls from the listeners, butā
Olivia
We can take calls Ben.
Sammy
So, to be clear, you have contact with human spirits and you just toss them to the wayside to talk to Fido.
Olivia
*laughs* Anyone can talk to deceased humans, Sammy, especially here in King Falls. This place is beaming with activity- even the two of you could do it if you tried. But nobody talks to our long-lost pets.
Ben
Iām sorry, this isnāt what we were looking for Miss DuPont.
Olivia
Golden Owl. Hoh, excuse me boys *loud sigh* this one is coming on strong! MMMOOooo MMMrrrr⦠Moo. *loud sigh* Sorry boys,[solemnly] that was- that was a rough one. Cassie the Cow was crying out. She lived in one of those factory farms and she- *deep breath* was using me to tell the world about her last days in the Cowschwitz[sic].
Sammy
Okay folks, weāre sorry. Just give us a minute or two so we can uh⦠So we can get thisā
Olivia
I seeee⦠a dog? forgive me- AAAOOOoo AWAWWOOooo ARAwwo *growls*
Ben
[Irritated] Okay, I think weāve heard enough.
Olivia
Wolfington?
Ben
This is insane.
Sammy
[seriously] Wait. What color is the dog?
Olivia
Blackā oh a little-bit of brown. He looks likeā a lap dog perhaps? Uhhā¦
Sammy
A terrier!
Olivia
Oh, of course, I can see it nowww. Heās just wagging his tail, so happy, chasing his ball- Oh! Ooh, heās mounting your Teddy Ruxpin bear[1].
Sammy
Thatās him! Oh my gosh!
Ben
[incredulous] Wolfington the terrier? Come oonnn.
Sammy
Thatās my dog, Ben! He ran away when I was in grade school.
Olivia
Woof! RUFF! Ruff-ruff-rUFF! Oh. He wants you to know that heās fine Sammy, Wolfington had a good life. He isnāt mad that you only ever shared your veggies at the dinner table.
Sammy
[entreating] Heh, itās all I could do little buddy! my mom was always watchinā!
Ben
Sammy?
Sammy
Uh, *clears throat* I mean, y-you know thatās- thatās good, thatās real good Olivia. Uh, thank you.
Ben
What is going on here?! Snap out if it, Sammy, this is obviously a con. Facebook info- or something.
Olivia
I seeeā Ā [whispered] what is it? Is it a bird?
Ben
[mocking]Cuckoo. Cuckoo.
Olivia
Is it a tiny⦠monkey? Noā no no, dig deeper. Marsupial!
Ben
You arenāt buying this, right?
Olivia
I feeel a- a naame⦠Serendipity?
Ben
[shocked] What the Hell?
Sammy
Ben, you alright over there?
Ben
Iām- fine. Um. Go on, Golden Owl?
Olivia
Is it a⦠sugar glider!
Ben
It is! Serendipity the sugar glider! Oh man.
Sammy
You canāt be serious, Ben. Your parents bought you an exotic animal and the best name you can come up with is āSerendipityā?
Ben
[defensive] It came already named, man, and No, for the record? we found it. There was a travelling zoo that came through the Falls. And the day after, my friends and I found a box, down at the fairgrounds, and inside? there was little Serendipity, looking back up at us.
Olivia
He said heās sorry that he couldnāt stay. He wishes he did, that mean man with the badge- well, [softly] and you know how that goes.
Sammy
Uh, how what goes? What happened?
Ben
[upset] I donāt want to talk about it.
Olivia
He forgives you Ben.
Ben
[forcefully] Golden Owl I said Iām done! Letās Take some callers.
Sammy
Ben, Iām sorry, but this seems likeā
Ben
[distressed] Why donāt you pry your fingers- into the open wound- of my heart, and dig it all out, Sammy? Sweet Jack in the Box Jesus.
Sammy
⦠Youāre right, I-Iām sorry Ben. Well, King Falls youāve heard Serendipityās story, now letās hear yours. 424-279-3858. We are live with pet medium, Olivia DuPont aā
Ben
Did he live a good life? Olivia? W-was he happy, like Sammyās puppy?
Olivia
Do you not know?
Ben
Know what?
Sammy
Iām so confused here.
Olivia
Serendipity was a bit of an outlaw. Sugar Gliders are illegal to posses in the tri-state region because of the ā72 Sugar Flu outbreak.
Sammy
Seriously, okay guys, I just pulled up Sugar Gliders on the googs, adorable!
Ben
They were still illegal. My mom tried calling the travelling zoo but to no avail. And it wasnāt like I didnāt want to keep Serendipity, I loved the little guy but, one of my backstabbing āfriendsā from school said something to Bodenheimer ⦠I-I donāt want to talk about this.
Sammy
They took him away?
Ben
Mrs. Bodenheimer did. She took him to the office, and I never saw him again. She said she was going to make sure he got back to the zoo, di-di-did he, Golden Owl?
Olivia
MMEEEEOOOOOWWW MEOOOWWW *hisses* Sorry, a calico is summoning me.
Ben
Cut the crap! Whatās this about the man with the badge?
Olivia
[nervously] O- of course Iāve just heard this second-hand. Benā I mean whoās to say exactly- what happened? It- you know, itās from a different perspective then we can understand.
Ben
What happened?
Olivia
Serendipity- bit the man with the badge on the drive and- was tossed out the window. Into the river. Then- eventually down the falls. *chitters and hisses*
Ben
That son of a bitch, w-wha-whoās name was on that badge?
Olivia
Itās murky. Hard to grasp. Serendipity is jumping from nether tree to nether tree- Oh! Oh! I think I have it. [straining] G. U. N. Oh, I canāt see- D?
Ben
[angrily] I knnnew it.
Olivia
Take it with a grain of salt Ben- I mean, itās just one version, from [laughingly] a marsupial no less.
Ben
He was an awesome. possum. I-I gotta step outside for a minute [chair squeak].
Sammy
While Ben takes a little break, letās take a few callers.[door closing] Give us a call King Falls. Letās talk about your dearly departed, uh, pets.
Olivia
Iām ready.
Sammy
Line 4, youāre live with Sammy and Miss Olivia DuPont.
Troy
Gosh darn it, Sammy, Iām really sorry to hear about Benās little buddy.
Sammy
Iām sure heāll appreciate the kind words Troy, Iāll be sure to pass them on buddy .
[police radio can be heard faintly in bg]
Troy
[solemn] Iāve got a confession to make that I aināt proud of. I⦠I was the reason for the demise of little Serendipity. Such a sweet little fella. I just didnāt know he get taken away, yāknow? For good.
Sammy
Wait. Youāre the reason Serendipity was taken away?
Troy
Ah hells bells Sammy, I was the one that rolled over on Ben butā I didnāt mean for the little furry guy to get taken away! It was just a real kerfuffle on this end.
Sammy
This explains so much.
Troy
Me and Ben was best buddies coming up, Sammy. I didnāt want to tell on him, but little Serendipity got frisky one day at lunch and sh[bleep] on one of the teacherās Mexican pizza. Tough olā Bodenheimer cornered me ācause she thought he was mine. Ben aināt never gonna forgive me and thatās deserved.
[door closing]
Sammy
Thatās all in the past Troy. Iām sure- someday ā
Ben
Sorry about that guys. Some-someday what?
Sammy
Oh, uh- y-you know- we-weāre just taking calls from listeners right now Ben. On the line weāve got- Troy.
Troy
[mournful] Hey Ben. Man I was listening to the program tonight, when I heard Miss DuPont pontificatinā about the dead animals and suā
Ben
[Hastily] Nowās not the time Troy, especially from you!
Troy
Iām hurtinā something awful about Serendipity, buddy. How many times do I have to apologize to make it right?
Ben
Loose Lips Sink Ships, Troy, the ship of friendship. Have fun on the SS Backstabber. [click, dial tone] Line 1, youāre live on King Falls AM. Prepare your tissues.
Ron
Boys, I wonāt keep you long. This question is for, Golden Owl? is that right?
Olivia
Yes.
Ron
Before my question maāam, you might want to work on that name. It might just be me, but it sounds like a sophisticated lemon party for birds.Not that Iām against that sort of thing. Sh[bleep] even last nightā
Sammy
Ron Begley, ladies and gents.
Ron
Alright I get it, enough foreplay. Brass tacks Miss Owl, how does it work if you didnāt particularly own the pet, but you saw it as a kid, grew up near it, fed it, maybe had a puff the magic dragon relationship with it.
Ben
He wants to know if you can tap into your unending source of pain and find Kingsieās parents. Maybe tell us how they were, harpooned by Japanese tourists in front of Kingsie as a baby and made into sashimi.
Olivia
Mr. Begley Iām not sure if thatās really in my wheelhouse, but perhaps if you introduce me to this Kingsie youāre referencing?
Ron
Well hell yeah! How can I get a hold of you to make an appointment?
Sammy
All of Miss DuPontās information is on our website Ron, or you can check it out on twitter atā
Ron
Yeah yeah, @, ampersand, hashtag, underscore, exclamation mark dot dot dot King Falls dot net. Shut your sweet little trap Sammy! I got it! Iāll be in touch soon Golden Owl. [mildly exasperated] But seriously, work on that name
[click, dial tone]
Ben
Other than, re-breaking everyoneās hearts, Oliviaā what do you get out of this?
Olivia
Iām sorry for the troublesome story, Ben. Not all of them -hardly any of them- end so badly.
Ben
So Iām just the lucky one.
Sammy
Benā
Ben
Iām so glad to hear that not everyoneās pet got thrown out of a moving car and into Peace river and down the falls by Sheriff damn Gunderson. Thatās the silver lining, right?
Olivia
If itās true.
Ben
[skeptical] You get a lot of lying cats and dogs in your line of work, Olivia?
Olivia
[awkwardly] Notā to my knowledge.
Ben
He did it.
Sammy
Okay, letās not go making accusations it could have been any number of deputies, maybe even from a different county, I mean who can say?
Ben
[insistent] It was Gunderson, I just know it. He literally damn near spelled it out! Ask him to spell out the rest, Olivia.
Olivia
He saysss, *sigh* Golden Owl, your business license is up for renewal, so donāt rock the boat?
Ben
BULL!
Sammy
*clears throat* Olivia, weāre gonna take another phone call here in a minute. Perhaps, uh, before that you could give us a light-hearted example of a run in with someoneās, uh, expired creature.
Olivia
Well, there was this one encounter with Bruce the Stingray.
Sammy
[incredulously] A stingray. Now, whatās a dead stingray got to talk about?
Olivia
Well, Steve Irwin[2] for one.
[KFAM outro]
[Credits]
REFERENCES:
[1] Teddy Ruxpin - Teddy Ruxpin is an animatronic children's toy in the form of a talking 'Illiop', a creature which looks like a bear. The creature's mouth and eyes move while "reading" stories played on an audio tape cassette deck built into its back.
[2] Steve Irwin - āThe Crocodile Hunterā was an Australian zookeeper, television personality, wildlife expert, environmentalist and conservationist. Possibly best known for the show āThe Crocodile Hunterā (1996ā2007), an internationally broadcast wildlife documentary series, which he co-hosted with his wife Terri. They also co-owned and operated Australia Zoo, about 80 kilometres (50 mi) north of the Queensland state capital city of Brisbane. Steve died on September 4, 2006, after being pierced in the chest by a stingray barb while filming in Australia's Great Barrier Reef.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Summary: June 1, 2015 - Sammy & Ben are live at Lake Hatchenhaw for the 55th Annual King Falls Bass Tournament with special guest Mayor Grisham.
[Podcast intro music]
[Banjo music]
Randy McMullet
[heavy southern accent] Howdy yāall! Itās Randy McMullet from McMulletās International Palace of Snake Skin Boots and Iām here to tell you we got some slithery savings this weekend! So much savings youāll have a hissy fit! Weāre not holdinā anything back ācause itās that time of year again! Itās our annual Snake Skin Blowout! Iām talkinā ābout rattlesnake, copperhead, viper, black mamba, and boa constrictor. We got big snake boots at baby snake prices! Ya better hurry though before our inventory is extinct! So come on down to McMulletās International Palace of Snake Skin Boots! Weāll be there from sun up to sun down this Saturday and Sunday at the corner of Route 72 and olā Bombinā Range Road! McMulletās International Palace of Snake Skin Boots! Where we fill your boots, with savinās!
[Banjo music fades out]
[KFAM rock intro music]
Sammy
Good morning! Youāre listening to King Falls AM, thatās 660 on the radio dial. Itās twelve minutes to six and a beautiful 67 degrees out here at Lake Hatchenhaw.
Ben
We are mere minutes away from the starter pistol going off signaling the beginning of the 55th annual King Falls Bass Tournament.
Sammy
Ben! I couldnāt have said that better myself, youāre a natural!
Ben
[āaw shucksā] Whatever, Sammy.
Sammy
But you heard it, kids! The tournamentās about to get under way, but the festivities will be happening all day today. Be sure to swing on by the King Falls AM booth, pick up a bumper sticker, say hi to your favorite personalities, that sort of thing.
Ben
And, of course, donāt forget to tweet us your pics today @KingFallsAM or Instagram us with the hashtag kingfalls, and we will repost those bad boys.
Sammy
Absolutely, Ben. But just because this show is winding down, doesnāt mean weāre going to sleep on you! Weāve got a guest!
Ben
Weāre here with Ron Begley, of Begleyās Bait and Tackle. Sponsor of todayās outing.
[note: Ronās voice can generally be described as āgruffā, any descriptors in transcription are more-so]
Ron
[gruffly] Watch it, Ben. Outing is a big word. This is a gathering.Ā
Sammy
Hey, nice to meet ya, Ron!
Ron
[sweetly] Nice meetinā you too, Sammy! And always good to see you, Ben.
Sammy
Now, Ron. For all the listeners on the fence about making their way down to the Tourney today, what would you tell āem to change their minds?
Ron
Ah hell, if they arenāt here now, they aināt coming.
Ben
Metaphorically thoughā
Ron
[harshly] Donāt use ten dollar words when a five dollar word will suffice, Ben. If the lazy bastards arenāt up anā at em and waiting on Mayor Grisham to fire that pistol, then there aināt no convincing them otherwise.
Sammy
Well, you know what- Weāve got quite the turn out here it seems, so uh, maybe everybody made it down?
Ron
[aggressively] Iāll give you fifty damn bucks if you show me Shell Snyderās fat ass at this lake right now!
Ben
Uhhh, Iām sure-
Ron
I saw that lazy son of a bitch at the town hidey-hole last night, and I know he hasnāt drug his carcass outta bed.
Sammy
Hidey-hole?
Ben
Donāt ask.
Ron
You want something thatāll put some asses in the seats? Iāll give you somethinā and this oneās for free. Today we got the fishing tournament, we got the bouncy house for the kiddies, we got that weird food truck that nobody ever eats at but it still shows up to all the King Falls events,
Ben
Aaand?
Ron
[teasing] And you know where Iām going, Ben. And just last week out by the sunken pontoon boats⦠We had a sighting!
Ben
By the BOATS? That is so close.
Sammy
Alright guys. You got me. What did we see?
Ben
Sammyā
Ron
Why, the Lake Hatchenhaw monster, Sammy!
Sammy
Monster.
Ron
Why the hell didnāt you Wikipedia-Google-book this town before you moved your sweet ass to it?! Everybody in creation knows about the Lake Hatchenhaw monster!
Sammy
Alright, *chuckles* Iām sorry. Uhhh, I donāt mean to be rude, Ron, but youāre talking about your own version of the Lochā
Ron
Donāt. Say it. Donāt even think it! That fake sh[bleep]show of a lake monster has nothinā on Kingsie.
Ben
Youāll have to pardon Sammy. He doesnāt believe in the extra-ordinary.
Ron
[softly for Ron] What a sad life you must live, Samuel.
Ben
So, Ron. This will be the fifth sighting this year, is that correct?
Ron
[happy/proud] Fifth this year! Sheās been a busy one. Since I took over this shop from my dad, I donāt know that we ever got Kingsie more than twice a year.
Sammy
Well, ya heard it here ladies and gents. Uh, If tournament, the bouncy house, and the weird food truck donāt get you downā Kingsie will.
Ron
Thatās the spirit!
Sammy
*chuckles* Okay, about the tournament, Ron. What exactly is on the line here? Wha-Whats the prize today?
Ron
Same as every year, Sammy! Brand new bass boat with all the fixinās and a 500 dollar check from the King Falls Chamber of Commerce.
Sammy
That is a hell of a prize! I might just put the mic down and have a go myself, guys!
Ron
More than welcome! [gruffly] But you better bring Ben along so you donāt end up as a āfictional lake monsterāās din-din.
Ben
*sighs* Iād love to be out on that lake today! Nothing like it!
Sammy
Ron Begley, everyone. Uh, Ron, thanks for dropping by and adding some color to the end of our broadcast today!
Ron
[quiet and angry] Is that a gay joke, Sammy?
Sammy
Uh, I-Iām sorry, what?
Ben
Ron, not. At all.
Ron
[threateningly] Iām not going to come on this show, and have you talkinā trash. Iām the only soul brave enough in this town to own my identity and Iām not going to take any flack about itā
Sammy
Ron. Ron. No harm was intended. I-I didnāt even know.
Ron
[angry, almost shouting] Well now you do so watch your mouth! I like f[bleep]inā and I like fightinā and Iām completely sure you donāt want any part of either!
Sammy
I-I Ron. *nervous laugh* I meanā
Ron
[pleasantly] Iām just jerkinā your chain, Sammy! Keep up the good work, guys!
Ben
*Laughing loudly* Oh, you should see your face!
Sammy
Thanks, Ben. Uhā
Some Guy
*Slurred* Heyy Ben! What up duuude?
Ben
Heyy, uh, Matt! Uhhh. Weāre-weāre kinda live here, buddy.
Matt
Riiight on! ⦠maintain brahā¦
Ben
Sorry.
Sammy
Oh, no worries, bro.
Ben
Uh, uh- alright folks! Youāll never believe who weāve got heading this way! The man of the hour, the man with all the power⦠Mayor Grisham.
Sammy
Mayor Grisham. Thanks so much for taking some time out to talk with us today!
Mayor Grisham
Oh, Iāve been wanting to! Believe me. But you boys are on so darn early! I just canāt drag myself out of the bed.
Sammy
Understandable.
Mayor Grisham
However, my assistant, Riley, transcribes every show for me. Seems like youāre doing a great job. The both of you.
Ben
Oh! Thanks so much, Mayor Grisham!
Mayor Grisham
You got it, Ben! Hey, howās your mom doing these days?
Ben
Great! Sheāll be thrilled that you mentioned her!
Mayor Grisham
Least I can do.
Sammy
Now, Mayor Grisham, youāre joining us today because in just a few short minutes weāre gonna be kicking off the 55th annual King Falls Bass Tournamentā
Mayor Grisham
Absolutely! Itās one of the perks of the job that makes it all worthwhile. I mean, who could turn down a beautiful morning on the lake, with all the people of King Falls?
Sammy
So, do you ever partake in the tournament yourself?
Mayor Grisham
*chuckles* I wouldnāt want to put the King Falls residents to shame! Iām quite an avid outdoorsman.
Sammy
Well, itās nice of you to give everybody a sporting chance.
Mayor Grisham
Oh yeah.
Sammy
Now, before we let you go- and believe me I hate to break down the mood ā
Mayor Grisham
Then donāt.
Sammy
Oh, *chuckles nervously* well I-I was just gonna ask if you had heard any recent news regardingā¦
Mayor Grisham
Sammy. Another time and another place.
Sammy
Well, Mayor Grisham. [floundering] We here, weā
Mayor Grisham
Thatās all at this time. Thanks for having me. Have your people call Riley and weāll schedule something soon, Sam.
Sammy
[confused and irritated] Heh⦠Okaay?
Ben
What is he- he- canāt- weāre supposed to be here for another three minutes, Sammy.
Sammy
*unamused laugh* Itās fine, Ben, uh- itās not your fault.
Ben
Well, no. You ran him off, *scoffs* [growing frantic] buuut he was supposed to stay with us until we went live! with the opening ceremonies!
Sammy
Hey, hey. Itās okay.
Ben
[worked up] Iām going to fix this. Uh- I got it!
Sammy
Ben-Be- Well. That was Ben just leaving in a full sprint, kids. Uh, seems itās just you and me now, uh, and the mayorās assistant, recording our every word.
Voice in distance
Shotgun Sammy!
Sammy
*groans* Okay, so weāre about four minutes away from the top of the hour, and the tournament getting started. Uh, weād like to wish all the participants today the best of luck, break legs, uh, you know catch fish, wh-what have you. Uh, watch out for Kingsie, obviouslā
Ben
I got it! I got it! Iām back!
Sammy
Oh, Benās back ladies and gents! And he has a friend!
Ben
Sammy, King Falls, this is Mr. Herschel Baumgartner. Winner of last yearās tournament! How you doing today, Mr. Baumgartner?
Herschel
Good, Benny. Real good. Just ready to get my spot and giveitago this year. Uh, you know itās about to start, right boys?
Sammy
So, Herschel, you won the actual tournament last year, is that correct?
Herschel
Oh, you bet I did! Won it back in ā92, and ā89 as well. But donāt go askinā for tips now, son. Now if you excuse meā
Sammy
Oh wow! So you are a three time winner of the King Falls Bass Tournament lookinā for big number four this morning!
Herschel
[sarcastic] Huh, Big City can count. Weāre T-minus three minutes here, boys. If you donāt have anything pressingā¦
Ben
Uh, for the listeners, Mr. Baumgartner, wha-what would you say is, is, is, the-the most important partā
Herschel
[suspiciously] Who put you up to this? Was it Cecil? [grumbling] Amateur, usurpinā so-and-so-
Ben
No! We-we just needed to fill some time.*nervous laugh*
Herschel
Youāre going to pull me out of my boat to fill time? You are a DUMB son of a b[bleep]!
Sammy
[warning] Hey now!
Herschel
Donāt you dad-voice me, son. Iāll put a boot rrright up your ass, just like I did those Krauts[1] back in WWII! [said ādubya-dubya twoā]
Sammy
[harshly] You know what? Great talking to you Herschel.
Herschel
[grumbling] New-fangled radio bums, looking for a hand-out. I aināt givinā ya no tips! No spots, no tricks oā the trade! How I flick my wrist [fades out as he walks away]
[woman screams in bg]
Ben
Was⦠that a scream?
Sammy
[laughing dismissively] Iām sure it was just someone seeing Mr. Baumgartnerās lovely personality.
Ben
I think something might be up, Sammy. Seriously.
Sammy
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, as always, we thank you for tuning in with us here at King Falls AM. Weāre about to go live with the opening ceremonies at the 55th annual-
[another, longer scream. Someone in the bg yells āThereās a body in the lake!ā followed by sounds of an agitated crowd and a lot of people screaming]
Sammy
Folks, stay with us! It seems that a body has just surfaced here at Lake Hatchenhaw! Come on, Ben!
Ben
[incredulously] Weāre going there?
Sammy
Cronkite. Brokaw. Ben Arnold.
Ben
*huffs* Right.
[Deputy Troy yells incomprehensibly through a megaphone.]
Ben-at-a-distance
Tweet us!
[screaming continues]
Sammy
Alright, weāre on the dock. [aside] if we could just push pastā Thereās the mayor! Right there!
Deputy Troy
[through a megaphone] Everybody please stay calm!
Ben
[quiet,worried] What if itās Tim?
Sammy
Mayor Grisham! Can you confirm that there is a body hereā
Deputy Troy
[still through the megaphone] Sorry boys. I donāt want to, but the Mayorās going to cutā
[audio cuts to static]
[KFAM outtro]
[CREDITS]
References
[1] Kraut - a derogatory term for a German, especially a German soldier, during WWI and WWII
Note: My goal in creating these transcripts is to provide readers with as close an experience to listeners as I can. I make a lot of notes on tone and sound descriptions, and manipulate text (without messing with font family or color) in ways that I feel best convey how things are audibly expressed. Therefore, such things are very much subject to my own interpretation.
Things to know:
[these are sound effects, music, background noises]
[these refer to the tone people are speaking in]
*these are sounds people make, like sighs and laughs*
superscripts after words/phrases[1] mean there is an explanation of the reference being made at the end of the transcript
[1] unless it says āsicā instead of a number, which means the words are transcribed as said, even if theyāre not said correctly
Any other punctuation or alteration in text is meant to be indication of how things are said.
Notes on frequent callers; most of these are noted upon the characterās first appearance, but left out after that. Anyone not on this list, I either havenāt gotten to or has no real distinctive tone overall. But if you ask Iāll do my best to describe them:
Emily Potter
Generally, Emily sounds like sunshine
Troy Krieghauser
Troy has a southern accent and sounds like friendship.
Herschel Baumgartner
Herschel is a grumpy, old man. He sounds like a swear.
Cecil Sheffield [āSessilā not āSeesilā]
Cecil is also very old. His voice is often slightly shaky and confused, and slurred from drink.
Pete Myers
Pete speaks very quickly and is permanently stuck between āIt wasnāt me!ā and āSo there!ā
Ron Begley
Ron has a deep, gruff voice. Heās definitely a bear. (not the animal kind)
Archie Simmons
Archie sounds like a Dramatic Gay⢠Gossip with a southern accent and is always accompanied by the yapping of tiny dogs.
Doyle Bevins
Doyle is a stoner. He sounds like a stoner.
Cynthia Higgenbaum
Cynthia has a high-pitched, nasally, persistent āI want to speak to your managerā voice.
Riley Bevins
I legit thought Riley was an automated message at first.
Mayor Steven Grisham
Grisham is a smarmy politician. He sounds like a smarmy politician.
Finn
Finn has never not been excited in his entire life. His volume suggests heās always using speakerphone, but Iām not willing to bet on that. (Good for him if he is, though)
Dr. Jeffrey Rosenblum
Dr. Rosenblumās voice is measured and monotonous and mildly creepy at all times, especially when saying words/phrases meant to express any kind of feeling, like āWowzers.ā
Ernie Salcedo
Ernie, or whatever heās calling himself this time, has a heavy New York(-ish) accent. He sounds like the kind of person who says āwhosie whatsiesā
Howard Ford Beauregard III
HFB3 has a āHigh Class-Better Than Youā drawl at all times. Except āHigh Classā from 200 years ago.
Mary Jensen
Mary has a southern accent. She sounds like your best friendās mom calling you āhoneyā and asking if you want pie.
Tim Jensen
Tim doesnāt have a notable accent/feel to his voice, though he often sounds nervous.
Reverend Xavier Hawthorne
Hawthorne leads a for-profit, travelling mega-church. He sounds like it and over enunciates.
Chet Sebastian
Chet has a deep, smooth, overly-suggestive voice. Good for jazz, bad for sexual harassment claims.
[CREDITS]
King Falls AM is a production of the Make Believe Picture Company. For credits, as well as more information about King Falls AM, you can find us on Twitter @kingfallsam, on Facebook, and at kingfallsam.com. Thanks for listening to 660 on the radio dial.
King Falls AM - Episode Eleven: Ringinā Hellās Doorbell
View on Google Docs
Summary: October 1, 2015 - After an unexpected listener call-in, the boys find a cassette tape in the mail and listen live as an adventure unfolds from one of King Falls less-friendly hiking trails.
[podcast intro music]
[KFAM intro music]
Sammy
Welcome back, everyone. The time is 4:44AM here at King Falls AM.
Ben
Itās a slow night. You wanna do⦠weather and traffic?
Sammy
Itās warminā up! And if thereās traffic at this ungodly hour, we got problems.
Ben
*snickers* Got that right, Sammy! Uh, before we go back to the phones in a sec, Iāve got an email Iād like to read you. I think youāll get a kick out of this.Ā [definitely smirking]
Sammy
Oh! Well, very cool. Alright, whatcha got?
Ben
[eager] So, you know I wrote the producers of Mission Apparition, right?
Sammy
⦠No. What are you talkinā about?
Ben
Yes you do. Itās that brain tumor of a show on Channel 13?
Sammy
I-I- I know the show, Ben! Iām saying I didnāt know you wrote them.
Ben
Dude. Youāre gonna love it. I emailed trying to get them booked as guests so we could tear them apart. *snicker*
Sammy
Well, I mean, they did keep the lights on a few weeks back, running an ad, of course. [not hopeful] So, please donāt tell me you got confrontational?
Ben
If telling the truth about their staged scares counts as confrontational, then⦠[smug] I totally did.
Sammy
Okay, so you accost a paid sponsor of King Falls AM; please continueā¦
Ben
*excited laughter* Okay, let me read this to you. āDear Sammy,ā- [aside] sorry, youā left your station email up.
Sammy
Uh-huh.
Ben
āDear Sammy, We at Mission Apparition are extremely sorry! you feel the show is āOverly Producedā and not ātrue to the nature of actual distressed spirits.ā In actuality, Dan and Larry are two of the most highly trained professionals in this field. While we appreciate constructive criticism, name-calling just isnāt needed. If you have any real suggestions to make the show better, please let us know.ā
Sammy
Ben. [resigned] What did you call them?
Ben
Doesnāt matter. What does matter is that I wrote them back, and theyāre going to be shooting a future episode- of the show- in King Falls.
Sammy
No way!
Ben
I said āwe have many fine spectral establishments here.ā The gauntlet was thrown down and they took the bait.
Sammy
As much as I hate to say this, youāre gonna get to see the Mission Apparition guys in a real situation at least.
Ben
Oh yeah. [stoked] Iām not sure which to offer up the old Slaughter House off Cottontail Hollow or the library.
Sammy
Iām not gonna make a youāre-trying-to-impress-Emily comment here, because I know that that place is chock full of activity.
Ben
Exactly.
Sammy
But⦠[semi-muttered] You are trying to impress Emily.
Ben
*deep breath* Whatevs. K-ca- Okay, get this though! After I told them I was co-host of a late-night AM talk show? they asked if Iād like to come on set so I can get an interview live.
Sammy
Well, book it! Make it happen!
Ben
Done and done.
Sammy
But please stop using my email.
Ben
No promises.
Sammy
Alright folks, after that exciting announcement, weāre gonna open up the phone lines to you, our dear listeners. And, uh, Ben? You got a topic?
Ben
*tsk* I absolutely do, but you canāt have it until a touch after the 5 oāclock hour, Sammy.
Sammy
You heard the man, ladies and gents. Itās a bonafide free-for-all for the next ten minutes or so. Give us a call 424-279-3858.
Ben
Or hit us up on twitter @kingfallsam
Sammy
Lucky Line 1, youāre live with Sammy and Ben.
Line 1
[deep, nasally, almost bestial voice] Uh, yeah⦠*heavy breathing, smacking lips* Did you check the mail? Heh
Sammy
[mildly sarcastic] Maybe once or twice in my lifetime, uh, do you have a topic? Or is this Ted Kaczynski[1] calling from prison?
Line 1
Uh⦠youāll have a topic sooon⦠heh⦠[ominous click, dial tone]
Ben
Yoouu know I should go take a look in our mail slot now, right?
Sammy
[exasperated] Donāt.
Ben
Itās a verbal triple-dog-dare! Iāll be right back.
Sammy
*sighs* One day, itās just gonna be a head. I just know it. Line 5, welcome to King Falls AM.
[ominous music]
Line 5
[voice is male, higher pitched, and very nervous] Oh, I got through! Sammy?! I- I need to speak with you in private. Please!
Sammy
Iiiām gonna be a little bit sir- we just came back from break. But Iām happy to talk about whatever.
Line 5
We really canāt talk about this on the air. Ehh *nervous breathing* Itās about⦠wwel-I- *quick sigh* - I really donāt wanna say too much, butā I sent you a text message about, uhā¦ohhā¦a month or so back? We need to speak! Itās incredibly urgent!
Sammy
Sir, I get a lot of texts over the course of a month.
Line 5
W-well- we canāt talk about this on the air.
Sammy
Who am I speaking with?
Ben
[returning] We have mail, Sammy!
Line 5
[almost whispered] I turned the power back onā¦
Ben
Mr. Thompson?
Probably Mr. Thompson
Errā no! [click, dial tone]
Sammy
Hello? Sir?
Ben
What was that about? [laughing slightly] I swear that dude sounded just like my old science professor.
Sammy
Can you get a number on line 5, Ben?
Ben
⦠Yeah! Yeah⦠uh, in a minute! Look at this!
Sammy
*laugh* Is that a cassette tape?
Ben
Yeah. No letterā just a tape. Itās labeled āD.D.ā [eager] We should play this.
Sammy
I hope itās Duran Duran.
Ben
Iāll just stick this in⦠heeere.
Sammy
Uh, do you think we should listen to that first? I know you got a trigger finger on the dump, butā¦
Ben
[smugly] Youāre looking at the fastest finger in the tri-state.
Sammy
You know, thereās a dirty joke there that, for our friendship, Iām just gonna cruise- right on past.
Ben
Whereās the play button on this hunkāa junk? Merv, why do we have a cassette player in the studio?! Itās 2015.
Sammy
I think you know why.
Ben
[hands rubbing together] Iām excited! [sounds of tape being inserted in the player]
Sammy
You better be payinā attention. I donāt want to hear one ā
[TAPE PLAYS]
Lance
[heavy Australian accent, narrating like a documentary] āThis is Lance McCord checking in. Iām about 5 kilometers off the Stealth Ridge Trail now. Itās heavily wooded and just getting thicker.ā
[stop click]
Sammy
Do you know this guy? āLanceā?
Ben
Never heard of him. But if the āRā word was politically correct for broadcast? Iād totally use it for him right now. That trail is like the boonies within the boonies.
[play click]
Lance
āSo far so good. I was- I was a bit worried with all the tall tales surrounding the āDevilās Doorstep.ā I guess thatās why Iām talking to you; tracing my steps. Nothing strange or out of the ordinary. I have noticed a lack of wildlife and birds, to be this far in the bush.ā
[stop click]
Ben
⦠There is no way.
Sammy
āThe Devils Doorstepā?
Ben
Definitely the R-wordā or has a death wish! Or both!
Sammy
Where is this place?
Ben
[reluctant] Itās north of King Falls. Itās a dark-ass set of woods. Obviously, this guy isnāt from around here because heād know you donāt even talk about it, much less go there.
Sammy
Ominousā¦
Ben
And We Donāt joke about it.
Sammy
[challenge accepted] It sounds so inviting, The Devilās Doorstep. What kind of Welcome Mat do you think the Dark Lord picks out? Do you think he has a āNO SOLICITINGā sign?
Ben
Stop it. I know you laugh about stuff like this, but⦠Donāt.
[play click]
[eerie siren-like singing in bg]
Lance
āRight, about 30 minutes from my last check in. My mobile has lost signal. It- looks like itās just you and me, pal. I lost a little bit of, uh, time. I got turned around a few minutes back. All the paths are starting to look really similar, so, itās hard to⦠[ominous chant-singing in bg. thereās static/rustling/indistinct whispers that fades in and out] Still no wildlife. I donāt know if any men or women have ever stepped where Iām stepping. I kind of like that.ā
[stop click, siren song stops]
Sammy
Did you hear something there?
Ben
NOPE! NO SINGING.
Sammy
I didnāt say singing. I said something.
Ben
I didnāt hear anything!
[play click]
[static or whispers in bg]
Lance
āItās getting colder now. Darker. That or my- mind is playing the tiniest of tricks on me. Voices, singingā whispers. Itās, uhā itās head games. [siren song begins] Nothingās gonna stop me from making it to the gate.ā
[stop click]
Ben
I think thatās enough.
Sammy
Ben, honestly. āGate?ā Iām not following here. Youāre the expert, whatās he looking for? Or- or whyās he even looking for it?
Ben
COMMERCIAL TIME! Letās do thisā¦
[āexcitingā sports channel music]
Announcer
[Mexican accent] Weekdays! 6 to 9 AM, Listen to the Hector el Chavo Show! The fastest growing show in the fastest growing demographic in the tri-state area! On King Falls Deportes! AM. Every week, Hector el Chavo discusses your favorite sports with your favorite players! Donāt miss out this week. Monday we talk to Big Pine Striker, Javier Rancor. Tuesday weāll talk to Saddle Creek midfielder, Jorge Carpe-Gutierrez! And Friday we talk to King Falls Goalie Bubba āSuper Gringoā Wallis! Tune in to Hector el Chavo Show, King Falls Deportes on 730AM. Your sports capital for goal!!!
[KFAM theme music]
Sammy
And welcome back to King Falls AM thatās 660 on the radio dial. Weāve just been listening to a tape we received anonymously. Apparently, thereās a hiker out adventuring inā
Ben
[desperately, voice breaking] LINE 8, youāre live.
Finn
Ooh boy! Things are getting tense on that tape, yāknow?!
Ben
Forget the tape! Ha-how-howāre you doing, Finn? Is everythingā still intact?
Finn
Doinā swell, just swell! [scratching sounds]
Ben
You okay there, Finn?
Finn
Oh sorry! Didnāt think youād pick that up. Iāve just been scratchin something awful the past couple weeks. I got in some poison oak, orā something ā I donāt know!
Sammy
Glad to hear youāre doing well, afterā¦
Finn
*growling* [scratching continues]
Ben
[apprehensively] ⦠You got a travel buddy with you tonight, Finn?
Finn
Oh, no. [horn in bg] Just got cut off going down the highway, here. [muttered] Lousy drivers⦠[almost shouting] we got three other lanes yāknow! [distracted] Ahh! Look at the food billboards!
Sammy
Okaaay. Um, whatās on your mind tonight buddy?
Finn
Ah, just callinā in to say hi⦠that sorta thing. Plus, this story? Wooweee, who is this guy? Have you talked about this place before? I donāt think I heard you mention it⦠Uhh, I donāt thinkā¦
Ben
Because we donāt, Finn.
Finn
Spoooky stuff, fellas!
Sammy
Yeeaah⦠I donāt know if you wereā
Finn
*howls loudly*
Ben
I- Iām sorry. Yyou gotta keep your pup- quiet.
Finn
[confused] Pup? No doggy here! Just you two fellas- and mee, rolling down the rooaad.
Sammy
You donāt have a dog with you, Finn?
Finn
Couldnāt if I wanted to. Iām allergic. [scratching]
Ben
Are⦠are you feeling okay? Did you ever get checked out after that night you hit that⦠wereā dog?
Finn
What?! I wouldnāt lay hands on a pooch! Are you feelinā alright, Ben?
Sammy
*laugh* Heās talkinā about the dog you accidentally hit awhile back. Uh, y-you got out to check on it and the call dropped off?
Finn
Uh⦠Naooo, wasnāt me. Yāknow, I think Iād remember somethinā like that! [honking in bg, sound of semi passing] Dammit all, I gotta go, boys. Canāt scratch, drive, and talk at the same time. Finish that tape, itās givinā me the willies!
Ben
Stay awake and- stay safe, Finn⦠Make a doctorās appointment!ā maybeā¦
Sammy
Or a vetā¦
Finn
*chuckles* Oh, you two! Iāll catch you later. *loud howl*
[click, dial tone]
Sammy
Now, Ben. You know- I love what you do on this show. I wouldnāt wanna do this with anybody-else⦠BUT. Iāve got a tiny issue with you cutting to unscheduled breaks during conversations.
Ben
[innocently] Did that happen? Iām so sorry, I just⦠Iām so interested inā
Sammy
In doing everything but playing that tape. You got us all interested now, man. You gotta follow through.
Ben
Okayā [definitely not having fun] it was fun! but I think we should just forget about it.
Sammy
Impossible.
Ben
S-sit down, donātā
[play click]
Lance
[wind gusting] āThereās no doubt that something is, uh, keeping me away from the gate at this point. [siren song in bg] My- watch has just stopped working, so I donāt know what time it is. I canāt really see the sun from the thickest overhangs to tell⦠I checked my compass [sing-chanting in bg] to ensure I was⦠[rustling] WHAT THE?ā [creepy sing-chanting intensifies]
Super Creepy Whisper Voice
āTURRRN. BAAACK. NOOOW.ā
Lance
āMy fu[bleep]ing compass- is literally spinning like a top! Thereās EVIL in these woods! You can feel it- in the air! Itās palpable!ā
[stop click]
Sammy
Ben! Donāt be mad!
Ben
[seriously upset] We shouldnāt be playing this! This isnāt a joke, man! This is a tape that probably needs to go to the proper authorities! Iām gonna google Missing Persons.
Sammy
Look, Iām not against that. But letās finish this up, and at the very least talk to me. Tell us a little bit about the woods.
Ben
If- if I tell you, will you stop playing the damn tape?
Sammy
Absolutely! Help fill these last minutes until your actual topic of discussion arrives.
Ben
*heavy sigh* The path, Lance is on, is called Stealth Ridge. Itās about a five-mile round-trip hike up north in- Perdition Wood.
Sammy
You guys really know how to name things here.
Ben
*deep breath* Okay, supposedlyā as in, ālegend-has-itā kind of talk, way off the beaten pathā I mean WAY off, as in nobodyās ever seen itā is what heās looking for. A cave called⦠[reluctant] āThe Devilās Doorstepā
Sammy
Uh-huh.
Ben
[agitated] Put two and two together here- Sammy! Itās an entrance to the gates of hell! Many people have went out looking for it! None have ever found itā SOME never return.
Sammy
[softly] Have you been up there, Ben?
Ben
Onceā¦
Sammy
And?
Ben
Are you serious?! HELL NO, I havenāt been! Iām not crazy like Crocodile Dundee[1] on that tape.
Sammy
I mean, heās gotta be okay, right? The tape made it here! [getting nervous] I-it couldāve been him who dropped it off in our mail and called tonight! Right?
Ben
This was fun for a minute, now itās just massively creepy. Letās moveā [play click] SAMMY!
Sammy
Du- youāre looking at me! I didnāt push the button!
[siren song]
Lance
āIt is so cold. [wind gusting] Iāve des-scended a great deal from the initial crest- of the ridge it seems ⦠I saw what appeared to beāā
Super Creepy Whisper Voice
āLAASST. WAARRNING. MORRTALLL.ā
Ben
TURN IT OFF!
[click of buttons being pressed on tape player]
[rustling/cracking in bg]
Lance
āWhat the F[bleep] is that?!ā
Sammy
[sarcastically] Good job!
Ben
Alright it wonāt stop. Unplug it! Iām not kidding.
Sammy
It is unplugged!
[creepy sing-chanting starts, chilling scream]
Lance
*breathing hard* āItās after me! ⦠[calmer] Umm, I- I donāt know what that was. [song/chant continues in bg] Iām heading to the lip of this cove, here. I think Iām just gonna- wait it out- u-until morning. Iām wet, coldā I, uh, caught my jacket in the bush. Iām bleedingā Jesus⦠My, uh- my phone is missing. God dammit. It really is just you andā [rustling/cracking]
Super Creepy Not-Whisper Voice
MEEE!!!
Lance
āNo! [impact noise] Help me!!ā [sound of running, anguished scream from Lance]
[sing-chanting continues]
[KFAM outro music]
[CREDITS]
References
[1] Crocodile Dundee - Crocodile Dundee is a series of action comedy films centered around a crocodile hunter from the Australian Outback named Michael J. "Crocodile" Dundee.