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Right before leaving BU permanently, one of my childhood best friends came to visit, im only going to call him “R”. We grew up together, went on vacations together, our entire family are friends and even spent Christmas’s together. His dad is the one who gave me his cell number and looks like George Clooney, Rs cute too but I never saw him as more than a brother-figure so we had never hooked up.

Which is also why it seemed natural for him to stay in my bed. (& cuz it was the only place to sleep in my apartment). So that night we went to bed, but when I opened my eyes in the early AM I was shocked to feel R pressed up against me and hands moving around my body. I didn’t know what to do. I was shocked and it felt so awkward to say anything about what was happening and I thought maybe he’d quit if I moved away from him. So I moved and waited for R to come to his senses. I waited while he groped my beasts, and pushed his groin against my back. I stayed frozen silent & scared trying to think of something to say or do while he moved his hands from my chest down my stomach and started pulling down my underwear. He started to put his fingers in me so I rolled over onto my stomach thinking he wouldn’t be able to get to me that way and perhaps realize that what he was doing wasn’t worth our friendship if I “woke up” . He eventually quit, and took his hands outta my pants and went back to bed but I stayed up. He never said anything. And neither did I. and my already low self esteem suffered for it. Especially when I saw him afterwards, which was less often, only at family events, I was hurt that he chose violating my body over a lifelong friendship with me.

Looking back on it, I wish I had pushed him off the moment I felt him on me and yelled at him for violating our friendship and my body and my trust. And I should have kicked him out, especially cuz he could’ve raped me. I don’t blame myself for giving him the wrong idea or anything obviously since I was Asleep but I do feel ashamed of myself for not standing up for myself. Especially to a friend which shouldve made it easier.

That spring I left to travel around Asia. I started in Nepal went to Tibet than China. In China I found

the culture around women disgusting -I cannot begin to count how many times I had to knock men’s hands off my ass and even chest, even wearing baggy clothes and a bag covering my back. It was crazy to see how surprised they’d get that I defended myself, like they were entitled to what they were doing. That in mind, I travelled to Darjeeling, India where the group leader/translator told us to not go out after sunset because it wasn’t safe for women. But one night I got caught out at sunset in town alone waiting to meet up with one of the people I was traveling with. I saw it was getting dark, remembered the warning we got, though I ignorantly didn’t think it could be that serious, so I started heading back with my flashlight on to the family I was doing a home stay with about a half mile away. On the main road back, five Indian kids , only probably 14-15 years old, came outta nowhere walking behind me, and I had that sick knot in my stomach gut feeling and this time I trusted it. I saw them pointing at me, and then I saw they had knives so I ran. And they ran after me. I yelled for help while I ran hoping to scare them off or that someone would help me out but no one was interested in a helping a woman there so I luckily made it back and inside my home stay before them. I looked out the window to see them wandering off afterwards. And I didn’t go outside alone after dark again.

A few years later while I was finishing school at SUNY-Purchase and living in Pleasantville New York my friend and I found ourselves in a really bad situation. We were out dancing at one of our favorite NYC bars on the lower west side but it was dead so she got in touch with an outta-home based tattoo artist friend in brooklyn who said he was having people over and would hook us up with tattoos. So we drove over to his house, walked in the front door, and quickly got shuffled into the first room and told that this grown ass mans mother was actually also living there and that we had to be really quiet. The whole thing was suspect from the mom to the being quiet to there not being a party at all and only two guys there with the two of us and I felt incredibly uncomfortable from the minute we walked in. The promise of tattoos and the fact that my friend was into the artist was barely keeping me there especially as the night went on and it got clearer that we weren’t getting tattooed. It was only the four of us in a tiny bedroom with a twin bed where the tattoo guy and my girlfriend sat and we were all talking, The two guys were getting high but I stayed sober due to long & unfamiliar drive back. [Otherwise I probably would’ve cuz at that point in my life, getting high to the point of feeling numb was a daily priority and my only coping mechanism to keep the constant memories of my past from coming into my conscious mind and the thoughts of suicide on hold. ] so a few hours of uncomfortable awkward conversation passed and the crush went out to get us drinks. While he was out, his super creepy and way older friend stood up and went to stand over by my friend. Something felt weird about the way he was standing directly in front of her like looming over her and the way he was treating her and I didn’t like how he was talking to her either. I had been carrying a switchblade knife in my purse or pocket for years now as a means of self defense and I grabbed it outta instinct. My friend had one as well but her purse was outta reach. I forget what he was saying to her exactly, something like me and you right here right now type bs and she leaned over past him to look at me and mouthed “help me”. Still unsure of what to do I was sitting down, and I told him he should sit back down. But instead he started leaning into her on the bed and this six foot plus guy was surrounding my five foot nothing friend. he got on top of her on the bed pushing himself on her and I got up, switched the knife’s blade out, and in a wave of adrenaline & instinct got directly behind him so he couldn’t reach me and put the tip of the knife into his shirt enough so he knew I had it, and told him “I will make you bleed if you don’t back the fuck off of my friend, so don’t test me. What you’re going to do is stand up slowly and go back over to your chair and we’re going to leave now “.

It’s not in my personality typically to do or say anything like that but I think knowing what could’ve happened made me able to protect my friend. And she thanked me after and said how she couldn’t get to her own knife so she was glad I had mine. It sounds intense to carry a knife saying it now and I hate that this is how it is but it’s something all girls should do to protect themselves. When someone’s a foot taller than you or has a hundred or more pounds on you it’s one of the only effective weapons a woman has to defend herself, the only other being a gun, because there’s no such thing as a fair fight if it’s a man against a woman. So at least this helps to equal it out.

That same girlfriend, “T”, and I hung out a lot after and a year later, one night while staying over at her and her boyfriend “J”’s apartment,her and him got into this crazy fight over I don’t know what and she walked out the door. Knowing her drama queen style I figured she’d be back after cooling off and her boyfriend and I were relatively close, since we all hung out a lot together, so I stayed to play or video games. After awhile & a lotta unanswered calls I got worried she wasn’t coming back and if it was even appropriate for me to stay without her being there. J kept reassuring me that she’d be back and wouldn’t care so I kept drinking and he kept giving me pills while we played Grand Theft Auto. A few hours passed and it got to where I couldn’t keep my eyes open, so J asked me to just stay over, and said we should go to bed. They lived in a one bedroom and had a huge king size bed that I’d sleep in with them when there, on T’s side on the far edge. Now, J had always gone out of his way to be nice to me and make me feel at home but the fact that he was a corrections officer at a prison always made me feel weird & think of the stories I heard about them, tho that night I was more concerned with the pills he had to sell so we went into their room to get more valiums for me.

We talked over whether or not it was okay for me to stay, again, and he reassured me that T wouldn’t mind, again, and I called her to get her voicemail a few more times and left a message saying I was going to pass out there cuz I wasn’t up to driving and that I hoped she didn’t mind and to please come back.

So, I put my baggy sweats and tee on, took a few more pills with my last beer, and went to sleep on the chair in the living room . Jay came out and said to come sleep in the bed, that I was being ridiculous, and that I always slept there. So we argued over if it would piss T off for a little but I was shot and kinda loopy from the pills so I agreed even though I knew it wasnt right and that she would mind. So we went to bed. I stayed far on one side and made a pillow wall between us just to clearly draw the line so if T came back in she could see the separation and as uncomfortable as I was, still fell into a weird dazed & only barely asleep type sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to J naked and laying on top of me. He was super built because of his job and used that strength against me. I told him to get off me but he kept shushing me and trying to kiss me. He was groping my chest while I tried pushing him off and realized I couldn’t move him at all which really scared me. What also scared me was that I knew I was weak and loopy from the pills and alcohol and didn’t have much strength. What scared me the most was the semi automatic handgun he had on the night table next to him. I kept telling him No and I’m not into you

and to get off of me. He kept putting his hands everywhere on me even though I’d push away wherever his arms went. So then he started pulling my clothes off and I stared screaming. I screamed then yelled for help but he put his hand over my mouth so I tried biting him which didn’t help and he used his other arm to hold my arms away from scratching at him. That’s when I felt this terrible pain and realized he was trying to rape me. I bit him and was screaming no and stop and he kept lying saying it was only his fingers, not that that would have been okay either, but I knew it wasn’t since he had both arms holding me down from getting away from him and because of the way he was moving on top of me. So I started crying hoping that would help him realize this was so fucked up and I didn’t want it to happen but he continued and even kissed me and acted like this was a consensual thing which was even more fucked up. So I tryed saying you have a girlfriend don’t do this but he kept on and said she wouldn’t mind.

He fell asleep after and I still felt stuck. I was crying too weak to move trying to think of how to get outta there & wanting to leave though I knew I couldn’t get up let alone drive. Ended up leaving after a few hours of that once I started sobering up and had stopped shaking from nerves and pain.

I hated myself for choosing to stay. I didn’t blame myself for J’s actions though. The greatest pain I felt was the loss of my friendship with T, a small rift of uncomfortableness grew and grew til we werent talking anymore. I didn’t want to tell her what happened because I was scared she’d hate me for what she’d assume was me getting with her boyfriend and then calling him a rapist. And I let that fear and shame take my best friend away.

A year later, and another move after, she came to visit me and I told her. But she wasn’t angry. He had raped her many times in their relationship so knew what he was capable of. That’s when I realized the tattoo of J on her lower stomach was a symbol of possession and not love. Luckily they were splitting up and she had found a new and decent guy to move on & in with.

At this point (2009) I was Waitressing at Friendlys and started taking classes to get my masters in mental health counseling still wanting to pursue my dreams of being an art therapist. But my self esteem and mental state and shitty coping mechanisms kept getting in the way of me really being present at classes and I was having a lot of trouble focusing on schoolwork.

I’m usually an introvert but the idea of being alone wax terrifying me so I stayed hanging with my

old friends from high school even if late on a work night or I could barely stay awake.

I was casually seeimg this guy Ken that I worked with and had gone to high school with and it was nice to have someone to stay over who i felt safe around & cuz I wasn’t ready for a full time relationship and he didn’t want that either.

We had a local bar that all of our friends hung out at so we were there with my sister from another mister oldest friend came to visit from her home Jersey. So when they closed and we weren’t done drinking we all went back to my apartment with some friends including a friend of Ken that I.had never met.

Once it started getting close to sunrise and everyone left, Molly went to sleep in her room and Ken asked if his friend could stay on the couch because he lived really far and couldn’t drive.I didn’t like a stranger in my home but agreed figuring Ken had vouched for his friend.

Ken and I were.undressd in my bed when his friend walked in completely naked. And tried crawling into bed with us.Ken didn’t do anything, not protect me, not defend my honor and demand respect, not punch his nasty friend, he didn’t even blink. So I grabbed a beer bottle, broke the neck off & stood up on my bed and screamed at him that I would fucking kill him if he didn’t get the hell outta my house this second. And I. chased him down the stairs pushing him down most of them. We got to my living room and Ken came down trying to convince me to let him stay and that he was harmless. His friend had curled up on my couch to sleep and I.tried moving him off it but his fake sleeping body wasn’t moving. So I gave in, even with my gut knowing better.m, and went back to bed. I was more upset with Kens lack of reaction than anything until M ran in crying and went to curl up on the closet floor door closed behind her. Through the door she yelled what happened and that the stranger had to go. Apparently while she was sleeping he had snuck back upstairs got naked again and got into her bed. I asked Ken to handle his friend and the situation he created but he kept whining about wanting to stay in bed. So I went downstairs, this time knife in pocket and determined and I grabbed the kids clothes from my living room floor and threw them outside in the snow. When he went to get

them I shut and locked the door behind him and then told him what I. thought of him But he had the balls to keep knocking in and asking to come back in to sleep. Cuz he couldnt drive like it was

somehow my problem n like nothing he did mattered. I still don’t get how he felt entitled to ask for help after violating me then my friend.

I went back upstairs Again and saw a light from my window and loud music to check n see he was drinking in his car in my parking spot and tossing empty bottles out his window at the tres.

I kept asking Ken to deal with it and said.that he’d wake my neighbors and they’d have the police showing up at my house. While he ignored me that’s exactly what happened. I went to the front door to speak to the office to hear about the noise complaints and concern over a public intoxication and I

tried explaining that I Thought he had already left after I kicked him out. So the cop asked me to let him back in to sleep it off. So I told the officer that I couldn’t do that for my safety as well as my girlfriends who this almost stranger had just assaulted and surprisingly but not, this asshole cop still asked me to let him stay on the couch , ( probably so he wasn’t his problem, and cuz he didn’t give a shit about the actual crime that happened. So no cuffs, questioning, report, nothing) So I told the officer that there was no possible way that guy was coming back into my house but if he wanted him to not dusturb the neighbors to give him a ride to the train station where he could sleep waiting for a train. So that’s what they did.

And I went upstairs and told Ken he had to go too after disrespecting me all night. And cuz I needed some peace and to sleep. I didn’t get a single apology, only an argument that it was too cold for the .2 mile walk. But I kept on til he finally huffed his way out.

I was so sick of keeping othr people’s secrets at that point that I tolda. few people who worked with us at friendlys what had happened.And to explain my attitude towards him. And also I think I wanted to make I. wasn’t being a ridiculous drama queen.

But no one cared. Or had comments.a few people even cut me off midstory and not because they had a customer.

I still knew I hadn’t overreacted. I didn’t know how little my friends and coworkers cared about this type of behavior and that really shocked me. Even after everything I’d gone thru, I still wanted people to be outraged against criminal behavior.

I wish I went to the police then

I wish I went to the police each time and reported it and got a DNA kit done at the one hospital in Westchester tha has the equipment and proper training. Just to hav it on hold if I ever wanted to press charges. I wouldn’t have known to not use insurance. Or my options. But I wouldn’t have felt as alone with my pain. I would’ve felt braver and less of a victim.

I have more regrets than I can list here and that is why I wrote out this blog -to say it

To speak my truth,& So that -you-the one reading this, if youre a victim of a sex crime too-can know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

AND YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME

AND YOU HAVE OPTIONS !!

They may be hidden hard to find confusing

but there’s help out there That’s why I included the stories and all the links -these sites and organizations and hotlines and helplines WILL HELP YOU

My best friend for 30 years, my sister, her family who took me in when my home wasn’t safe to be in and left the door unlocked so I’d always have a safe space, whom I always thought would be a part of my life

The only person in the world who I knew I found trust and that loved me. Especially after my own adoptive & abusive family disowned me over and over again and told me that it was a mistake to adopt me and were kissed off that they got a bad pick for what they paid and would return me if they could , I at least knew I had Molly. Even when distance or circumstance came between us

I spent the last few years trying to make amends and get us back to being us. Because we wanted that and talked about how to put the few years before that when I was disowned & homeless and therefore unreachable behind us. But I kept feeling that something was wrong and maybe her words didn’t match her intentions. And she wouldn’t us meet in person even with me in person and her in NYC. ....

And then a year ago this text xonversation happened and I realiized just how alone I was in the world and that I no longer have one person that I can say over me or is my friend or is my family and that I am in fact, throwawayable.

Copy of text convo between me and molly Schrader :

Molly -Hey girl- sorry I haven’t really been in touch 😓 I think I’d be a bad influence on you

Me-Someone can only be a bad influence if they’re able to influence the other person right?

Pretty sure I’ve always had my fair share of bad influences around but have made very different choices depending where I was at in life. Also have been the one influencing ya. Know I’m getting philosophical on that but the real deal is having my bean, my sister my blood in my life sounds like the best influence I can think of. I’m not me without you. Haven’t been. I don’t have family without you. Haven’t had. I don’t feel that same kind of happy without you, can’t get as deep into a movie without us watching with pickle sandwiches n running commentary, can’t share my soul and trust as I am right now with anyone else, both because they’ll hurt it and because they just don’t get me like you do cuz I know u accept me for who I am, n understand me past my words or doofiness or impulsive behaviors n made me feel safe and ok. Those are the best influences I can imagine and ones that can come only from my best friend that I miss sooooo much it hurts my heartfBut that’s just where I’m at, it takes both of us to want to go back to us. I’d rather you be honest and just tell me if that’s gonna happen. I’ve been wanting to ask but keep getting hot n cold from you so feeling lost

Molly -No it’s me- sorry girl just been a rough month infinite me

molly 1month later -I’m sorry about me- my moms Alzheimer’s has taken a from my whole family

And molly again

Hey hun- happy almost b day! I really don’t mean to be rude but can we tone it down to one animated gif per comment 👻

Me (Kendra)-What you’re asking does sound rude but maybe I don’t understand why you’re asking that?

Molly-Hi- at work sorry- didn’t mean to be rude it’s just a lot of stickers not a big deal

Me-You already asked me to not like your pictures, including my own photography in which I’m not even credited, then not say certain things n referred me to an etiquette article then denied my sister request then told me to not post a picture to your page because it had a price n now it’s don’t post multiple stickers that I really thought you’d like. Maybe in your trying not to be rude you’re also not saying what’s up or I’m just not getting the message but I hear you now loud n clear

Don’t worry about getting back to me, I know you’ve got your job n all I just wish u had the courage to tell me you didn’t want to be friends with me months ago instead of me trying everything I could think of and making a damn fool of myself trying to reconnect and pouring my heart out.

I get stepped on enough daily by the rest of the people in my life, but with them I expect it, I definitely didn’t expect this from you and I can’t handle it coming from you, I’d rather hold onto the illusion that I have one true friend in this world that cares about me, so I’ll do what you haven’t had the spine to do and say let’s not talk anymore

Molly-That’s fair. I admit I haven’t really known how to handle this a d have been bitchy- at work now tho so have to go

Me-(while in tears) Handle this?!?

That’s what I am to you? Fuck you molly I’m done

Molly-Literally at work I’m sorry I can’t phrase better right now

Me-Not asking you to talk

Only saying what I have to for closure tho I have no FUCKING CLUE what I ever did to you to deserve this !?!!? And I have no clue who you are anymore cuz my old best friend wasn’t this nasty bitch that’s asking me for songs list n making me go deep into my emotions n memories only as a way of shutting me up I’m assuming. I’ve always been ride or die for you but maybe that doesn’t mean anything to you anymore.

You know at least a little of what I’ve gone thru the last few years so I’m kinda shocked right now that you would put me Thru this sick joke of yours on top of everything else I’m dealing with. I just can’t believe you led me on like this and let me make such an ass of myself and pour my goddamn heart out and be so damn vulnerable even asking you over n over if you wanted to be friends again I guess You must really hate me to let me do that n allow me to beg you for friendship n get my hopes up n hear out my amends without caring-you were my sister and you were my only family and you know that That’s twisted. ’m glad I’ve now made my side of the amends tho I guess, won’t wait on yours either. I know how things go in Molly’s world.

I just feel very alone and pathetic so thank you for that, and thanks for the first bit of honesty I’ve heard from you in a looong time. Sure it’s hard to get those words all the way down to where I am from where you’re looking so good for you, maybe you’ll be honest with yourself enough one day to realize we’ve always stood on even ground ....But even if that day miraculously comes-don’t call me. I’m not doing this again-It’s too painful. Yea that makes me sound dumb and pathetic but at least I’ll admit it and don’t worry I won’t keep texting or even sending stickers -wouldn’t want to embarrass you or have to handle this again

Moly-You disappeared and I didn’t hear from you for 7 years. The call I expected to get was that you were dead to be honest. I didn’t expect you to come back into my life and so yeah I’ve handled it really shittily I fully admit that

[(Note-none of that is true. As well as UCB of what she says after this)]

Me-You got that call seven years ago you just didn’t answer it.

I’ve been desperately trying to pull together the pieces since and so no I didn’t have a phone or home or family for a long time to help me out. I got sent away for a year-everything I owned thrown into a dumpster and after that year my family disowned me to be homeless in California -that was just the first year-shits been crazier since and I didn’t have a cell phone fora few years cuz I couldn’t afford one and I didn’t have your number but I kept trying to find you online

But you’re avoiding the real issue here which is clearly you don’t want me back in your life and instead of apologizing for what you just did to me or at least owning up to it you blame me for almost dying in an accident and being institutionalized?!? Seriously?!?? Wtf is wrong with you?I’m not going to be the victim of your games anymore

Molly-Wow. Ok. I didn’t do anything to you except be bitchy over the phone. You did heroin at my bridal shower. I’m not playing games- I’m just still angry.

[[[Note-I was high, and I made amends to her for that, I have 6 1/2 years now clean and sober. Another reason I delayed reconnecting so that I wouldn’t have to put her through that, even though she’s an alcoholic and addict, but hasn’t yet accepted wanting to change , she was so drunk at that shower she couldn’t open her presents without passing out every few minutes)]

Me-Guess you would’ve preferred that call. Sorry to disappoint. Really shitty doesn’t come close to admitting it tho. You just took my last little candle of hope that there was someone that loved me and didn’t see me as a a piece of shit to use as a doormat

Didn’t do anything?! I know drinking makes you lose your memory but I didn’t know it got that bad Do you even realize what you’re saying to me?!? I know you’ve always had a gift to only see the wrongs of other people and not your own but wow, Sounds like you’re much better at that now. Maybe that’s why you think you’re so much better than me. Or why it’s ok to abandon me, over n over all our lives but when I get harder to reach you’re done. I’m not gonna start listing out the issues that we’ve had or the shit that I think you should probably apologize for, what’s the point if you can’t even see how you fucked me over the last couple months? It’s pretty fucking meaningless Molly-Oy vey. I’m sorry and I do t think you’re a piece of shit. But I am still really really angry at you. You abandoned me years ago for drugs. I’m not doing this.

Me-You’re not sorry though and you’re saying that to placate or maybe that’s just a particularly nasty form of sarcasm youve developed I know you’re still angry with me,That is why I did saythe amends I said you months ago and also said I understand we have a lot of healing to do and I understand if you’re mad at meBut please let me know If you can’t get past But you kept telling me that you could

I don’t know if that was your way of making a joke out of me or getting back at me by getting my hopes upBut that’s really fucked up

I literally just told you why I left. Clearly you’re not hearing anything I’m saying and you’re going to believe whatever the hell story you wanna keep telling yourself to make yourself feel better about being a complete bitch

So stick with that fuck you I’m done goodye

Moly-Well I’m done being cursed out by you so ok

Me-Just know that your alcoholism and pill addiction doesn’t look any different than mine. You’d know that if you ever went to a meeting. Or spent a minutia of time time clean and sober. But maybe you don’t want that reminder anywhere near you I’m done thinking I still have a best friend and sister in my lifeSo sorry I have a few things to say after finding out that this whole thing was a fucking joke to you Do you need an amends for that too? I already went over the entire fucking list with you N clearly for no reasonIt’s just really hard for me to believe that you’d let me get on my fucking hands and knees And you just keep lying to me. It’s hard to hear that I’ve turned into a “handle this” type of situationIt’s really painful I ’m Done apologizing I’m done talking you to you you don’t heAr me anyway so don’t worryI’m just glad I can see now the type of person you’ve become-at least I’m grateful for that and that I’m not allowing another sadistic fucked up person back into my life

Molly-Life fucks us all up. I’m just trying to live mine. And this is unhealthy.

Me-Life fucks us up but friends pull each other together

Obviously you’re more interested in tearing me apart while tearing me down Molly you’re the one that’s unhealthyBut like I said, whatever you need to tell yourself to make yourself feel better You’re an emotional vampire

Molly-That’s funny this whole conversation seems to have been very much about tearing me down while I’m literally at work. Also- you literally don’t even know meJust like I clearly don’t know you. There’s just been too much shit between us in the past. You tried to get Dave to leave me before we got married remember that? And you didn’t stick around for the wedding or the divorce or the 2.5 years after the divorce and then you fucking sent me drawings from rehab if you smoking the cigarettes you wanted me to buy you and you never even fucking apologized like what the LITERAL fuck was I suppose to feel? I was fucking pissed and I’m still fucking pissed that you chose drugs over me every god damn timeLike EVERY FUCKING TIME YOU CHOSE DRUGSThen all the sudden here you are again and liking all my pictures and commenting on everything and people from middle school (actual middle school!) are asking wtf happened to you and how I feel about it and I didn’t know really how I felt about it but overjoyed was clearly not my reaction cause I wasn’t over that shit And I HATE myself for saying this to you cause I do love who you were and who we used to be and I don’t want you to feel shitty but I’m human too and I fuck up too and it feels like you never cared And the stickers and likes and comments made it seem like everything was just like it had been and nothing had changed and THATS why they pissed me off so much. Because it felt like a lie. It felt like trying to paint over a period in our lives like it never happened and everything could be normal and that wasn’t true- not for meIf you wanted to be my sister maybe you should’ve fucking acted like it!

So go disappear again. You do every time.

Molly- I read all your texts once I was out of work and had a chance to so please do me the courtesy of reading mine since you texted me at work and then got snarky cause I “have my job” you’re not the only one who wants closure

But I’m guessing you e blocked me.

[[note-I didn’t block her. But she blocked me]]

Me- (written in attempts to explain the truth of her accusations and try to save our friendship ) Those stickers and likes were not a lie to me. They were my real feelings that you crushed by not telling me how you felt. You were the only one lying between the two of us. You lied to me about wanting to be friends again, which killed me . You left me at the alter when you left for jersey and I was alone and lost without you. I would have been at your wedding if it was possible but after I almost died in that car accident and was in the hospital that you never visited I made plans to go to a local detox so I could still be there for you but on the day of my release I got strapped into a cot and put in a locked ambulance and driven 4 hours off into Pennsylvania and admitted against my will to that rehab center. I didn’t have any money or a car or an apartment to go back to then I found out my parents went to my old place and trashed everything I owned. Then they said they’d disown me if I left the rehab and that I was possibly gonna be disowned either way cuz they had just found all my old needles so I shouldn’t call them or ask them for anything. I had no possible way to be there for you. I can’t take that back. Even after everything you’ve put me thru I still feel horrible I wasn’t there.

I couldn’t tell you about the last few years thru a text -I just don’t know how to do it -I figured when we met up I could explain better, and that you’d understand cuz I’ve been thru ridiculously similar struggles-I was pregnant too but was forced to get an abortion, I was living with a partner for years in an abusive relationship Then I got disowned again and shipped off again a few more times by my family, but all of that needs better explaining which is an in person kinda talk. And a talk where you trust the person you’re opening up to but you kept pushing me away so why would I open up my heart any more than I already did when I knew something was way off I know you’re not interested in any of that since you’re more interested in believing your made up narrative about who you are and who we were but I feel like I need to defend myself and the friend I’ve been to you cuz what you’ve said is just not right. And you never cared to know any of this anyway since you were holding onto a lie about you n Dave that blocked your vision. That thing you said about me trying to convince Dave to leave you-you’re wrong. And you’re really wrong for thinking I would ever do that to you. That alone says everything you think of me & if I’m looking to the (was)closest person in my life as a mirror of who I am then I don’t deserve to be. If you can think that then I’m scared of what others see. I think you know my self esteems shit. I also think you know me better than to believe I’d break up your marriage. But I do remember the conversation you’re probably referring to tho I doubt you do since you were falling down drunk The one in Bedford hills with you two visiting and when you went upstairs Dave told me he was disgusted by you since your weight went up and didn’t want to have sex with you anymore and was scared he couldn’t marry you. I don’t know if you maybe heard only parts of it which is why you’re confused or it’s cuz you were blacked out but I defended you and tried to help you by calming his nerves and saying it might be pre wedding jitters and said the two of you could go to the gym together as a way of problem solving. I told him I would talk to you and be the asshole that brings up the gym idea so he didn’t have to cuz I knew it would hurt you and I didn’t want you to hear it from your fiancée. I didn’t know what else to do.and no I didn’t agree with him, I always thought you looked beautiful, but I knew it was a sensitive subject and safer for me to say it. So I did. And I’m sorry I intervened and tried to help cuz obviously it didn’t help us and it definitely didn’t help you two. So no I never tried to get him to leave you. And no you can’t blame me for your marriage. Or him being a dick. That’s who he is. And I never told him about your cheating on him either FYI. Maybe those insecurities are what led you to think that.

maybe I’ve always put you first even when it meant letting you step on me to get there. I’m definitely stupid for thinking you get what you give. I’m not stupid enough to think we’ll be friends again but I can’t handle you seeing me as someone I’m not. And I think you know we’ve seen each other more recently than before I was in my accident. Maybe you don’t want to remember my visits to jersey after but I tried to reconnect with you and you kept pushing me further away and then told me Dave hated me tho I still don’t know why and then that he couldn’t be in the same room as me like at our last visit and didn’t want me in his house. Maybe you prefer telling people I’m the bad influence so you had someone to blame. I’m assuming that’s what made Dave not want me around or to be around me. Or maybe you didn’t want me anymore and used him as an excuse I don’t really know now. I clearly don’t know you as well as I thought I did cuz as selfish as the Molly I know is she’d never believe I’d break up her marriage. And I still have a hard time believing what you just did to me-stringing me along for over a year letting me believe I had my best friend back You let me make my 9th step amends with you-something that took months of courage& sharing about in meetings and with my sponsor -I can barely face them now cuz I feel like a joke and I can’t explain cuz I still don’t really understand why you did what you did I realize you never think about how your actions affect others which is why I’m saying this And I don’t think you get how bad you hurt me still. I’ve never done anything to hurt you so I just don’t understand why you thought it was ok to treat me like that. That was the lie. You kept saying that in your messages but the only lies I can think of came from you. Except one-my doctored up FB pictures -well I added filters cuz I think I’m ugly -there’s your truth there. Pretty sure a lotta people do that. And yes cuz I have two stalkers -hence the different last name. But mainly cuz I don’t like what I look like. But clearly that’s too much for you to handle. All that honesty you said you’ve put on FB, it’s just self pity n partially based on lies like the one you decided to think about me. So I don’t see how that changes anything. You really broke my heart and you broke me by allowing us to rebuild our friendship when you were lying the whole time I still am having trouble moving forward from that knowing the person who I thought knew me best in the world and the one person ,I thought at least,who had any love for me in fact doesn’t know me and definitely has no love whatsoever for me. All I can think is why would anyone else want to be friends with me or even be near me then? Maybe you’re right & I’m really not deserving of a family or friends. You made my worst fear come true that I am throwaway-able. I do know you enough to know we’re not sisters family friends anymore or ever again. So I’ll disappear since that’s what you told me to do (I don’t want or expect a response from you either-it’ll only hurt me more-so just keep thinking that I’m nothing to you )

Molly-Kendra I have a hard life to I'm not going to read this just to have you tell me that I'm a bad person Read a bit of this and wow. Fuck you. Lose my number.

I have deleted every copy of the essay you sent me. The truth is Dave hated you cause you were a manipulative drug addicted that kept clinging after I tried to have a life. And I did visit you in the hospital. Your rewrite of history is astounding. I left you at the alter?? I'm supposed to worry about your parents finding your needles?? You're not well. I'm especially confused by you thinking we live comparative lives. You've never had a job or a decent relationship. I've never ditched a friend for heroin. I am done with your hateful manipulative borderline shit. Peace.

Last text written since July of 2018

Me-I was just trying to respond to your “too much shit betweeen us” comment but I guess it doesn’t matter what I say since you’ll continue to create new lies to create new shit between us. You know you never visited me at the hospital, and no you’re not supposed to care about that part, you know I’ve had more steady jobs than you’ve ever worked and more decent relationships too but if you want to keep creating this evil Kendra that can’t compare to you in your head there’s nothing I can do. I’ve never ditched you for drugs. You’ve ditched me for boyfriends tho. N You’re the one who’s borderline remember? I’m the bipolar one. Even though all the lies you keep making up about me are really hateful and hurtful the worst part is that it’s obviously you and not just Dave who thought I was a clingy bitch. I didn’t know sisters could be clingy. So sorry I got in the way of your trying to have a life. Guess I never got the message. I didn’t realize that getting married meant you didn’t want your friends in your life anymore. Cuz he was such a good judge of character n all. Just please stop responding to my truths with your made up lies only crafted to hurt me. I don’t deserve that from anyone and definitely not from you. All I’ve ever done is be your friend so please stop trying to rewrite our friendship to make yourself feel better about ending it. I get itI’m goneI’ll delete your number now