The greatest loss of my life -losing my best friend and sister Molly Schrader
My best friend for 30 years, my sister, her family who took me in when my home wasnโt safe to be in and left the door unlocked so Iโd always have a safe space, whom I always thought would be a part of my life
The only person in the world who I knew I found trust and that loved me. Especially after my own adoptive & abusive family disowned me over and over again and told me that it was a mistake to adopt me and were kissed off that they got a bad pick for what they paid and would return me if they could , I at least knew I had Molly. Even when distance or circumstance came between us
I spent the last few years trying to make amends and get us back to being us. Because we wanted that and talked about how to put the few years before that when I was disowned & homeless and therefore unreachable behind us. But I kept feeling that something was wrong and maybe her words didnโt match her intentions. And she wouldnโt us meet in person even with me in person and her in NYC. โฆ.
And then a year ago this text xonversation happened and I realiized just how alone I was in the world and that I no longer have one person that I can say over me or is my friend or is my family and that I am in fact, throwawayable.
Copy of text convo between me and molly Schrader :
Molly -Hey girl- sorry I havenโt really been in touch ๐ I think Iโd be a bad influence on you
Me-Someone can only be a bad influence if theyโre able to influence the other person right?
Pretty sure Iโve always had my fair share of bad influences around but have made very different choices depending where I was at in life. Also have been the one influencing ya. Know Iโm getting philosophical on that but the real deal is having my bean, my sister my blood in my life sounds like the best influence I can think of. Iโm not me without you. Havenโt been. I donโt have family without you. Havenโt had. I donโt feel that same kind of happy without you, canโt get as deep into a movie without us watching with pickle sandwiches n running commentary, canโt share my soul and trust as I am right now with anyone else, both because theyโll hurt it and because they just donโt get me like you do cuz I know u accept me for who I am, n understand me past my words or doofiness or impulsive behaviors n made me feel safe and ok. Those are the best influences I can imagine and ones that can come only from my best friend that I miss sooooo much it hurts my heartfBut thatโs just where Iโm at, it takes both of us to want to go back to us. Iโd rather you be honest and just tell me if thatโs gonna happen. Iโve been wanting to ask but keep getting hot n cold from you so feeling lost
Molly -No itโs me- sorry girl just been a rough month infinite me
molly 1month later -Iโm sorry about me- my moms Alzheimerโs has taken a from my whole family
Hey hun- happy almost b day! I really donโt mean to be rude but can we tone it down to one animated gif per comment ๐ป
Me (Kendra)-What youโre asking does sound rude but maybe I donโt understand why youโre asking that?
Molly-Hi- at work sorry- didnโt mean to be rude itโs just a lot of stickers not a big deal
Me-You already asked me to not like your pictures, including my own photography in which Iโm not even credited, then not say certain things n referred me to an etiquette article then denied my sister request then told me to not post a picture to your page because it had a price n now itโs donโt post multiple stickers that I really thought youโd like. Maybe in your trying not to be rude youโre also not saying whatโs up or Iโm just not getting the message but I hear you now loud n clear
Donโt worry about getting back to me, I know youโve got your job n all I just wish u had the courage to tell me you didnโt want to be friends with me months ago instead of me trying everything I could think of and making a damn fool of myself trying to reconnect and pouring my heart out.
I get stepped on enough daily by the rest of the people in my life, but with them I expect it, I definitely didnโt expect this from you and I canโt handle it coming from you, Iโd rather hold onto the illusion that I have one true friend in this world that cares about me, so Iโll do what you havenโt had the spine to do and say letโs not talk anymore
Molly-Thatโs fair. I admit I havenโt really known how to handle this a d have been bitchy- at work now tho so have to go
Me-(while in tears) Handle this?!?
Thatโs what I am to you? Fuck you molly Iโm done
Molly-Literally at work Iโm sorry I canโt phrase better right now
Me-Not asking you to talk
Only saying what I have to for closure tho I have no FUCKING CLUE what I ever did to you to deserve this !?!!? And I have no clue who you are anymore cuz my old best friend wasnโt this nasty bitch thatโs asking me for songs list n making me go deep into my emotions n memories only as a way of shutting me up Iโm assuming. Iโve always been ride or die for you but maybe that doesnโt mean anything to you anymore.
You know at least a little of what Iโve gone thru the last few years so Iโm kinda shocked right now that you would put me Thru this sick joke of yours on top of everything else Iโm dealing with. I just canโt believe you led me on like this and let me make such an ass of myself and pour my goddamn heart out and be so damn vulnerable even asking you over n over if you wanted to be friends again I guess You must really hate me to let me do that n allow me to beg you for friendship n get my hopes up n hear out my amends without caring-you were my sister and you were my only family and you know that Thatโs twisted. โm glad Iโve now made my side of the amends tho I guess, wonโt wait on yours either. I know how things go in Mollyโs world.
I just feel very alone and pathetic so thank you for that, and thanks for the first bit of honesty Iโve heard from you in a looong time. Sure itโs hard to get those words all the way down to where I am from where youโre looking so good for you, maybe youโll be honest with yourself enough one day to realize weโve always stood on even ground โฆ.But even if that day miraculously comes-donโt call me. Iโm not doing this again-Itโs too painful. Yea that makes me sound dumb and pathetic but at least Iโll admit it and donโt worry I wonโt keep texting or even sending stickers -wouldnโt want to embarrass you or have to handle this again
Moly-You disappeared and I didnโt hear from you for 7 years. The call I expected to get was that you were dead to be honest. I didnโt expect you to come back into my life and so yeah Iโve handled it really shittily I fully admit that
[(Note-none of that is true. As well as UCB of what she says after this)]
Me-You got that call seven years ago you just didnโt answer it.
Iโve been desperately trying to pull together the pieces since and so no I didnโt have a phone or home or family for a long time to help me out. I got sent away for a year-everything I owned thrown into a dumpster and after that year my family disowned me to be homeless in California -that was just the first year-shits been crazier since and I didnโt have a cell phone fora few years cuz I couldnโt afford one and I didnโt have your number but I kept trying to find you online
But youโre avoiding the real issue here which is clearly you donโt want me back in your life and instead of apologizing for what you just did to me or at least owning up to it you blame me for almost dying in an accident and being institutionalized?!? Seriously?!?? Wtf is wrong with you?Iโm not going to be the victim of your games anymore
Molly-Wow. Ok. I didnโt do anything to you except be bitchy over the phone. You did heroin at my bridal shower. Iโm not playing games- Iโm just still angry.
[[[Note-I was high, and I made amends to her for that, I have 6 ยฝ years now clean and sober. Another reason I delayed reconnecting so that I wouldnโt have to put her through that, even though sheโs an alcoholic and addict, but hasnโt yet accepted wanting to change , she was so drunk at that shower she couldnโt open her presents without passing out every few minutes)]
Me-Guess you wouldโve preferred that call. Sorry to disappoint. Really shitty doesnโt come close to admitting it tho. You just took my last little candle of hope that there was someone that loved me and didnโt see me as a a piece of shit to use as a doormat
Didnโt do anything?! I know drinking makes you lose your memory but I didnโt know it got that bad Do you even realize what youโre saying to me?!? I know youโve always had a gift to only see the wrongs of other people and not your own but wow, Sounds like youโre much better at that now. Maybe thatโs why you think youโre so much better than me. Or why itโs ok to abandon me, over n over all our lives but when I get harder to reach youโre done. Iโm not gonna start listing out the issues that weโve had or the shit that I think you should probably apologize for, whatโs the point if you canโt even see how you fucked me over the last couple months? Itโs pretty fucking meaningless Molly-Oy vey. Iโm sorry and I do t think youโre a piece of shit. But I am still really really angry at you. You abandoned me years ago for drugs. Iโm not doing this.
Me-Youโre not sorry though and youโre saying that to placate or maybe thatโs just a particularly nasty form of sarcasm youve developed I know youโre still angry with me,That is why I did saythe amends I said you months ago and also said I understand we have a lot of healing to do and I understand if youโre mad at meBut please let me know If you canโt get past But you kept telling me that you could
I donโt know if that was your way of making a joke out of me or getting back at me by getting my hopes upBut thatโs really fucked up
I literally just told you why I left. Clearly youโre not hearing anything Iโm saying and youโre going to believe whatever the hell story you wanna keep telling yourself to make yourself feel better about being a complete bitch
So stick with that fuck you Iโm done goodye
Moly-Well Iโm done being cursed out by you so ok
Me-Just know that your alcoholism and pill addiction doesnโt look any different than mine. Youโd know that if you ever went to a meeting. Or spent a minutia of time time clean and sober. But maybe you donโt want that reminder anywhere near you Iโm done thinking I still have a best friend and sister in my lifeSo sorry I have a few things to say after finding out that this whole thing was a fucking joke to you Do you need an amends for that too? I already went over the entire fucking list with you N clearly for no reasonItโs just really hard for me to believe that youโd let me get on my fucking hands and knees And you just keep lying to me. Itโs hard to hear that Iโve turned into a โhandle thisโ type of situationItโs really painful I โm Done apologizing Iโm done talking you to you you donโt heAr me anyway so donโt worryIโm just glad I can see now the type of person youโve become-at least Iโm grateful for that and that Iโm not allowing another sadistic fucked up person back into my life
Molly-Life fucks us all up. Iโm just trying to live mine. And this is unhealthy.
Me-Life fucks us up but friends pull each other together
Obviously youโre more interested in tearing me apart while tearing me down Molly youโre the one thatโs unhealthyBut like I said, whatever you need to tell yourself to make yourself feel better Youโre an emotional vampire
Molly-Thatโs funny this whole conversation seems to have been very much about tearing me down while Iโm literally at work. Also- you literally donโt even know meJust like I clearly donโt know you. Thereโs just been too much shit between us in the past. You tried to get Dave to leave me before we got married remember that? And you didnโt stick around for the wedding or the divorce or the 2.5 years after the divorce and then you fucking sent me drawings from rehab if you smoking the cigarettes you wanted me to buy you and you never even fucking apologized like what the LITERAL fuck was I suppose to feel? I was fucking pissed and Iโm still fucking pissed that you chose drugs over me every god damn timeLike EVERY FUCKING TIME YOU CHOSE DRUGSThen all the sudden here you are again and liking all my pictures and commenting on everything and people from middle school (actual middle school!) are asking wtf happened to you and how I feel about it and I didnโt know really how I felt about it but overjoyed was clearly not my reaction cause I wasnโt over that shit And I HATE myself for saying this to you cause I do love who you were and who we used to be and I donโt want you to feel shitty but Iโm human too and I fuck up too and it feels like you never cared And the stickers and likes and comments made it seem like everything was just like it had been and nothing had changed and THATS why they pissed me off so much. Because it felt like a lie. It felt like trying to paint over a period in our lives like it never happened and everything could be normal and that wasnโt true- not for meIf you wanted to be my sister maybe you shouldโve fucking acted like it!
So go disappear again. You do every time.
Molly- I read all your texts once I was out of work and had a chance to so please do me the courtesy of reading mine since you texted me at work and then got snarky cause I โhave my jobโ youโre not the only one who wants closure
But Iโm guessing you e blocked me.
[[note-I didnโt block her. But she blocked me]]
Me- (written in attempts to explain the truth of her accusations and try to save our friendship ) Those stickers and likes were not a lie to me.ย They were my real feelings that you crushed by not telling me how you felt. You were the only one lying between the two of us.ย You lied to me about wanting to be friends again, which killed me . You left me at the alter when you left for jersey and I was alone and lost without you.ย I would have been at your wedding if it was possible but after I almost died in that car accident and was in the hospital that you never visited I madeย plans to go to a local detox so I could still be there for you but on the day of my release I got strapped into a cot and put in a locked ambulance and driven 4 hours off into Pennsylvania and admitted against my will to that rehab center. I didnโt have any money or a car or an apartment to go back to then I found out my parents went to my old place and trashed everything I owned. Then they said theyโd disown me if I left the rehab and that I was possibly gonna be disowned either way cuz they had just found all my old needles so I shouldnโt call them or ask them for anything.ย I had no possible way to be there for you.ย I canโt take that back. Even after everything youโve put me thru I still feel horrible I wasnโt there.
I couldnโt tell you about the last few years thru a text -I just donโt know how to do it -I figured when we met up I could explain better, and that youโd understand cuz Iโveย been thru ridiculously similar struggles-I was pregnant too but was forced to get an abortion, I was living with a partner for years in an abusive relationship Then I got disowned again and shipped off again a few more times by my family, but all of that needs better explaining which is an in person kinda talk. And a talk where you trust the person youโre opening up to but you kept pushing me away so why would I open up my heart any more than I already did when I knew something was way off I know youโre not interested in any of that since youโre more interested in believing your made up narrative about who you are and who we were but I feel like I need to defend myself and the friend Iโve been to you cuz what youโve said is just not right. And you never cared to know any of this anyway since you were holding onto a lie about you n Dave that blocked your vision.ย That thing you said about me trying to convince Dave to leave you-youโre wrong. And youโre really wrong for thinking I would ever do that to you.ย That alone says everything you think of me & if Iโm looking to the (was)closest person in my life as a mirror of who I am then I donโt deserve to be.ย If you can think that then Iโm scared of what others see.ย I think you know my self esteems shit. I also think you know me better than to believe Iโd break up your marriage.ย But I do remember the conversation youโre probably referring to tho I doubt you do since you were falling down drunk The one in Bedford hills with you two visiting and when you went upstairs Dave told me he was disgusted by you since your weight went upย and didnโt want to have sex with you anymore and was scared he couldnโt marry you.ย I donโt know if you maybe heard only parts of it which is why youโre confused or itโs cuz you were blacked out but I defended you and tried to help you by calming his nerves and saying it might be pre wedding jitters and said the two of you could go to the gym together as a way of problem solving. I told him I would talk to you and be the asshole that brings up the gym idea so he didnโt have to cuz I knew it would hurt you and I didnโt want you to hear it from your fiancรฉe. I didnโt know what else to do.and no I didnโt agree with him, I always thought you looked beautiful, but I knew it was a sensitive subject and safer for me to say it. So I did. And Iโm sorry I intervened and tried to help cuz obviously it didnโt help us and it definitely didnโt help you two. So no I never tried to get him to leave you. And no you canโt blame me for your marriage. Or him being a dick. Thatโs who he is. And I never told him about your cheating on him either FYI. Maybe those insecurities are what led you to think that.
maybe Iโve always put you first even when it meant letting you step on me to get there. Iโm definitely stupid for thinking you get what you give. Iโm not stupid enough to think weโll be friends again but I canโt handle you seeing me as someone Iโm not. And I think you know weโve seen each other more recently than before I was in my accident. Maybe you donโt want to remember my visits to jersey after but I tried to reconnect with you and you kept pushing me further away and then told me Dave hated me tho I still donโt know why and then that he couldnโt be in the same room as me like at our last visit and didnโt want me in his house. Maybe you prefer telling people Iโm the bad influence so you had someone to blame. Iโm assuming thatโs what made Dave not want me around or to be around me. Or maybe you didnโt want me anymore and used him as an excuse I donโt really know now. I clearly donโt know you as well as I thought I did cuz as selfish as the Molly I know is sheโd never believe Iโd break up her marriage. And I still have a hard time believing what you just did to me-stringing me along for over a year letting me believe I had my best friend backย You let me make my 9th step amends with you-something that took months of courage& sharing about in meetings and with my sponsor -I can barely face them now cuz I feel like a joke and I canโt explain cuz I still donโt really understand why you did what you didย I realize you never think about how your actions affect others which is why Iโm saying this And I donโt think you get how bad you hurt me still. Iโve never done anything to hurt you so I just donโt understand why you thought it was ok to treat me like that. That was the lie. You kept saying that in your messages but the only lies I can think of came from you. Except one-my doctored up FB pictures -well I added filters cuz I think Iโm ugly -thereโs your truth there. Pretty sure a lotta people do that. And yes cuz I have two stalkers -hence the different last name. But mainly cuz I donโt like what I look like. But clearly thatโs too much for you to handle. All that honesty you said youโve put on FB, itโs just self pity n partially based on lies like the one you decided to think about me. So I donโt see how that changes anything. You really broke my heart and you broke me by allowing us to rebuild our friendship when you were lying the whole time I still am having trouble moving forward from that knowing the person who I thought knew me best in the world and the one person ,I thought at least,who had any love for me in fact doesnโt know me and definitely has no love whatsoever for me. All I can think is why would anyone else want to be friends with me or even be near me then? Maybe youโre right & Iโm really not deserving of a family or friends. You made my worst fear come true that I am throwaway-able. I do know you enough to know weโre not sisters family friends anymore or ever again. So Iโll disappear since thatโs what you told me to do (I donโt want or expect a response from you either-itโll only hurt me more-so just keep thinking that Iโm nothing to you )
Molly-Kendra I have a hard life to Iโm not going to read this just to have you tell me that Iโm a bad person Read a bit of this and wow. Fuck you. Lose my number.
I have deleted every copy of the essay you sent me. The truth is Dave hated you cause you were a manipulative drug addicted that kept clinging after I tried to have a life. And I did visit you in the hospital. Your rewrite of history is astounding. I left you at the alter?? Iโm supposed to worry about your parents finding your needles?? Youโre not well. Iโm especially confused by you thinking we live comparative lives. Youโve never had a job or a decent relationship. Iโve never ditched a friend for heroin. I am done with your hateful manipulative borderline shit. Peace.
Last text written since July of 2018
Me-I was just trying to respond to your โtoo much shit betweeen usโ comment but I guess it doesnโt matter what I say since youโll continue to create new lies to create new shit between us. You know you never visited me at the hospital, and no youโre not supposed to care about that part, you know Iโve had more steady jobs than youโve ever worked and more decent relationships too but if you want to keep creating this evil Kendra that canโt compare to you in your head thereโs nothing I can do. Iโve never ditched you for drugs. Youโve ditched me for boyfriends tho. N Youโre the one whoโs borderline remember? Iโm the bipolar one. Even though all the lies you keep making up about me are really hateful and hurtful the worst part is that itโs obviously you and not just Dave who thought I was a clingy bitch. I didnโt know sisters could be clingy. So sorry I got in the way of your trying to have a life. Guess I never got the message. I didnโt realize that getting married meant you didnโt want your friends in your life anymore. Cuz he was such a good judge of character n all. Just please stop responding to my truths with your made up lies only crafted to hurt me. I donโt deserve that from anyone and definitely not from you. All Iโve ever done is be your friend so please stop trying to rewrite our friendship to make yourself feel better about ending it. I get itIโm goneIโll delete your number now
