#keepthis

So I’m going to cry. I’ve spent weeks now being afraid of or wary of or avoiding Odin, after a couple weeks of relative comfort with Him. I was scared and now I know why. I couldn’t place it. Was it His energy? I mean technically, yes, but I didn’t know what about it was so suddenly... terrifying.

He was making me see myself. As in, my birthday came and I asked Freyja to cleanse what was blocking me from Her. I don’t think I understood then, that She cleansed me of what was blocking me from all of them. 

It was my own stubborn refusal to see myself. To see my depression and anxiety and fear. My weaknesses and faults and slip-ups. My strengths and triumphs too, but I digress. With that out of the way, Odin could do as He does, as I’m learning He does..

And I fucking bolted. I ran so far away, as fast as I could, and kept Him at as much of a distance as He’d allow me to. It’s ironic then, that I was nearly in tears when He decided that I needed space, when He took a step back.

The thing is, for me, Odin can be soft, yeah. Gentle even, when I need it. But this is not all of who He is. This is not all of what He does. And I realized that and it scared the shit out of me. So I ran. But I can’t and don’t wish to pick and choose parts of His energy that make me feel better, and then cast away the ones that hurt.

I’ve said this to myself and it’s amazing how much I say and don’t take to heart: Progress hurts. Healing hurts. It hurts so damn bad. But He knows this. He can and will be gentle if that is how I need to move forward. But this is not all that will happen. 

I am oathed to Odin and I am glad. This kept me searching for Him. This is the reason I am still here, pestering the old man, trying to get Him to help me again. 

Loki guided me today, through some hard internal journeywork. He understands.. and He’s my rock in things like this. He insisted it was time to come back, He held me when I cried, He stayed at my side while I slept.

It amazes me how some people can see things like this, know that Loki does things like this, and still say He’s evil or terrible. He’s never done a thing to hurt me or anyone I’ve known that works with Him.

He will show you the parts of yourself you’re ignoring, and that may hurt sometimes. His methods aren’t for everyone, and that’s okay, but mindlessly hating Loki..? It’s not something I can understand.

It’s not something I worry myself over though. I won’t argue with those who cannot see Him as a whole image, and not just pieces they pick out to use against Him.

He just stays with me, or comes to my side if I call for Him, and it’s something I will never be able to convey how grateful I am for. I still write for Him here, because creating for Him is a part of our oath (though I am more than allowed to take breaks if energy isn’t allowing), and because I always have something to say about Him...

I could speak for hours about His kindness and the stories I’ve experienced with Him in my life, but for now I’ll leave this as it is.