#katishideout

-          How Ram deals with King’s physical and verbal attempts to push him away. He consistently puts himself back in the picture, even after King pushes him out of the frame, and yes, pun intended. Because once Ram cares, he is not easily thrown, yeah no, I am not done with the punning yet. He is relentless in demonstrating to King he’s there. Which brings me to:

-          I believe the way he approaches King here would be very similar how he would approach a dog, or a cornered animal, that is hurt or scared and thus defensive and showing its teeth. King acts like a wild and wounded and possibly drunk, heh, animal here, really, on some level, and that is not meant to be derogatory. Ram is definitely caring alpha leader of his doggy pack, so he knows how to speak THAT LANGUAGE. Notice it’s a nonverbal one. The way he builds himself up as a calm but solid bodily presence right in King’s line of sight, the way he does not waver in that energy, making his voice decisive or soft but always calm, trying to break through King’s fear, trying to form a connection – the acting on this one whew. The way he inches closer. And comes back after being shoved, non-violent but reliable. Dare I say  asserting dominance, because King is struggling here and needs an anchor.

-          Those sad, sad eyes, and that voice, Perth, like, come on. I believe Ram is suffering so much here, because King is suffering, like when he let him dig his nails into his hand to get him through getting stitches. Ram will bear King hurting him, as long as he knows it is helping to get King through his struggle. He takes the verbal and physical shoves, in the hope that it will help King work through what makes him suffer. And he will hurt along with it just because it hurts him to see King aching. Gah. No wonder King eventually breaks confronted with those eyes.

-          The “why?”. Three times, just that word. In that voice that says I just want to get through to you, TALK to me, I want to help you, barking feral dog bound to a tree – sorry – I want to understand and want you to understand, we’re getting there, there is no need to be scared, not of me, not of those feelings. Gah.

-          King’s facial expressions. The way he wavers face and voice – I love the dynamic cadences of Lay’s voice – the way he plays with showing his teeth, pushing his chin up, contrasted with insecure skips when he is confessing, his defiant tone, because this man is on a mission – protect Ram from King’s feelings, duh, he wavers but comes back to it all fight, all shout, all flashes of eyes. The you want the truth i’ll give you the truth! the drunk hair flip. Oscars, now.

-          The fricking Kiss.

-          The montages were good too, but I’ve seen so many fanvids that I rather skip to the new content. But they were well chosen scenes. Like, there’s the theme of hands and touch right before Ram’s hands come up to frame King’s face.

-           The way Ram’s lips move after King tells him it’s torture, like trying to absorb, to understand. Again with the EYES.

-          Ram’s reaction to hearing the truth. There’s a light flicker on his face but other than that he doesn’t visibly react to King’s confession, which I think is so powerful? Because he has been holding up that energy and that connection, and he doesn’t want to break it. He also doesn’t look relieved because how can he when King is still in so much pain?  I think he possibly knew that it would be somewhat of that motivation that drove King to act like he did, some way of protecting Ram from him, in a way. Also there’s the I am obviously floored part because King, how can you understand me so much and not understand that about me… how can you see other people so cleverly, but not see this? And there is the PAIN of that realization, of how much King is hurting, when it should not be necessary. Of how tragic and lovable and stupid or boy King is and of how much we love him. Ram loves him, I mean.

So for King it started out with Ram as a spark of interest in that silent boy, a challenge also, a playful one over all. I think at the point where King tells Ram’s brother that he is just playing with Ram in a friendly way because he appreciates his weird character, that this is truly what it feels like for him in that moment. He may be even platonically flirting at those times, because it feels like a fun dynamic between the two, and Ram’s reactions are interesting to King, it’s a playful exploration of another human being, that you click with. He might be oblivious the potential of catching actual feelings I believe, that maybe the seeds have already been sown, that this has potential to be more than just a fascination, that it maybe is already starting, that he feels actually drawn to Ram, attracted. That Ram might actually respond that way. Oh, what a word that fits them… attraction, the pull towards each other.  

Then situations arise, so many of them, where King can be helpful to Ram in so many ways, and he falls into his natural role of tutor, supporter, of big brother, because he is just good like that, and also because it brings him closer to that fascinating person, he’d very much like to figure out. Then problems get more serious for Ram with his father’s affair, things actually hurt and hit close to the heart and taking care of Ram in that situation, I think that might also be the time when King realizes just how much he cares, how much he is invested himself. The more serious matters provide the atmosphere to get a sense of how deep the care and affection really goes, how important they’ve become to each other.  But it is in a time when Ram needs; needs support. And so that is the role that King puts himself in. That he decides Ram needs. A supporting friend, big brother figure, not someone who might get distracted by his tattoos and eyes and neck and the racing heart it might cause in him.

That’s when the holding back everything beyond starts. The feelings that are surprising and unsettling King with how much they WANT now,  but that he decides are not part of the perceived deal made with Ram,  the deal King decides Ram deserves in this time of distress, the ‘this is what you get out of this relationship, support, and comfort, not messy feelings from a kind of overwhelmed human disaster with needs himself’-deal.

The senior-junior/big brother-little brother dynamic plays a big role with it I believe, and correct me if I am wrong with this, since it is not my culture, please do. (But I think it also plays into Ram’s behavior, because Ram never actively takes a step of taking things further, he is always just asking and waiting for King to take that step if he is willing, he offers and amps up the intensity in his eyes, and it kind of backfires in that way that it makes King so flustered that he backpedals, because what King gets is that he is freaking important to Ram in those moments, but what it does to King is amp up his sense of responsibility for Ram, to fill that important role responsibly, as a supporting friend and brother.)

So yeah, long rant short, King feels that he is in over his head, because Ram is just so important to him, and he puts such high standards of responsibility onto himself, that coming in there with needs of his own feels like he is betraying the trust Ram puts in him to being the source of comfort and guidance that he thinks Ram deserves. He doesn’t want to bother Ram with worries about a sick King, so he keeps silent about his fever. He will remove his needs from the picture whenever he’s able to and it takes actually being knocked out by a wooden stick, or having a fever, or being drunk to let the lines blur... and still he will try and not bother Ram with it, and push him away when he has a fever from an infected head wound, because he thinks it is better for Ram’s needs. But of course Ram makes it not easy for him, because he is such a protective caretaker person himself, and that’s when King stumbles and slips up occasionally in his resolutions because caring Cool Boy is a force of nature? 

But it really needed those 14 felt concussions, infections, fevers, medications, and alcohol to get King so inebriated that he could break out of that headspace for a moment, and confess to his own wants and still being so angry about it all, about failing what he set out to do, failing Ram. It needed that inebriation together with Ram upping the ante, trying to pull King closer, to touch, to be in his space bodily, to aggressively take care of him right back, to make King’s fluttering feelings so hard to ignore and hold back, for King to lose his balance; for King to push back so hard and out of proportion it had to collapse somehow.

Whew. Whew.

But old habits die hard. So I think what is happening in the morning scene is a falling back exactly into this. King looks at Ram sleeping, and goes: Oh, how freaking beautiful he is, and oh neck tattoo, and arms, and flash backs of lips on lips, and smell good, and HE IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME, and… am I doing right by him? What did I freaking DO?

King is panicking again, struggling with the sheer weight of the responsibility he feels he has for their dynamic, their relationship, that he fears he might have crossed a line, second guessing Ram’s motivations, and probably even fearing he pushed Ram into something he didn’t want. Or need.

So he jumps at conclusions that get him out of that acute stress of change, of potential and responsibility, and he puts words into Ram’s mouth.

I actually believe Ram was going to say something like, I was playing cards with P’Tee, and then we came back to the tent and we kissed, dry like that, but Ram is also stalling with his answer because he senses King is almost vibrating out of his skin, he is reading King’s cues and giving him the time to react and interrupt, and when King jumps to conclusions, in that excited and relieved voice, he just goes with it and gives King space and time. Never once does he plan to let him off the hook though, because Ram gets King, I believe, and he is exactly what King needs even if King might not have realized that himself.

King needs a person like mountain that brings themself back into the picture whenever he’s pushed out for his own good, that gives him time and space but doesn’t let him off the hook. This is physically so well represented in that Tent scene, when Ram just keeps coming back and building himself up in front of King, Even when shoved time and time again.

Like he just builds himself up again before King when King is about to leave for his grandma’s. Just watching and waiting, being intensely present – and yeah King’s face then, he FEELs that presence and wants it, even looked for it - just being there, giving King another chance to react, to act, reading his cues, caring so so much. He will again and again, with that text, and when they meet again.

It looked like it was grating King’s throat, the very sound of it wrong in Ram’s ears, and Ram ached for the fact that King thought he had to put himself through this.

“Why?”

Ram knew King was drunk now, and together with the concussion, and the recent fever it was probably like a catalyst for negative emotions. Hair and eyes wild King really looked like a cornered animal. But there was so much more in his eyes.

A living being is a living being, that cares and fears, feels pain and connects with others, right? Animals, them Ram could bond with. So it was half muscle memory, half conscious choice when Ram put himself firmly in King’s line of vision, close and calm and unwavering, making his voice as sure and unoffensive as he could. Making himself as present, as there as he could. Don’t bite. Don’t just bark. Talk to me.

“Why?” Why are you scared?

Still so much fight in the uptick of King’s mouth, his teeth showing. Ram inched closer. I am solid. I am here.

“I won’t leave until you tell me why.” I won’t let you push me away before I know why you are not okay.

“Why?” Softer still. Closer. Why do you say all those things when it’s clear they hurt us both?

Because it hurt. It hurt like the nails King had dug into his hand while getting stitches. But Ram could bear pain when it meant getting King through this.

King who wielded words like weapons now:

“It tortures me. I feel torture, you know!“ That hit right to the center of Ram’s chest, although King’s hands were still at his sides. Ram swallowed, trying the word on his lips, trying to understand, to make it make sense. But it did make sense, didn’t it?

 First Ram had thought it was pain.

“Because of me?”

So much pain in the furrow of King’s brow. Pain beyond the physical. In the space between them. Echoing inside Ram. He listened to King’s tone hitch, watched him rip his finger’s through his hair, watched him push his chin forward.

“Yes! Because you make me feel good! Do you know how hard I have to hold myself back every time I am near you? It tortures me you know. That is why I want you to be far away from me, so I don’t have to feel all this pain inside!”

Ram couldn’t move. There was a thought that he should be relieved, because this meant… this meant they both felt something more? But how could he be relieved when King was still in so much pain? When the connecting thread between them right now was taut and electric and flickering?

He couldn’t move, for fear it would break this moment, this fragile truth binding them together.

Ram wanted to shout. King. P’King. How can you understand so much about me but not that. How can you see so much but not that?

He wanted to reach out so badly. But it isn’t my turn, is it? Like it never feels that it is my turn, like all I can do is ask, with everything but my voice, and offer. Be there.

He poured it all into his eyes.

As an answer King pushed again, hard. He used his hands this time, backed by his whole body.

And Ram picked himself up and came back. Like he now knew he would again and again, until they got through this.

The motion on King’s face showed that he must know, too, and for a second King thought he had gotten through.

Then King pushed.

The shock of contact rippled through Ram. It hurt. Didn’t it? (First Ram had thought it was pain.)

For a moment the heat and burst inside was so intense that all Ram’s brain could make of it was another wave of injury. Then the sensations of King’s breath against the corner of Ram’s mouth, the hard grip of his fingers on Ram’s neck transformed into another reality.

It was all still waves, breaking and closing high over his head: surprise and welcome, compassion and overwhelming affection.

This was King against him, pressed against his body, King's lips, King's fear, King's desperation. King, who Ram had wanted to touch. Like this. So much.

King had shouted. And reached out.

Now it was Ram’s turn.

King. King. Maybe you’ll understand this:

He poured it all into the kiss.

Hands came up, pulling King into the embrace, the circle of their space, the give of Ram’s lips. He willed into it all the certainty he had been feeling. Filled it up with calm and hope and comfort. The unhurried gentleness he knew King deserved.

His own breath was trembling through him.

When King broke the kiss Ram held him close. Letting go was not a thought that held any power.

He could smell the faint trace of whiskey on King’s every small exhale, and Ram’s chest brimmed over with a hazy mix of notions: A claim to protect, a sense of purpose. And Ram felt strong right then.

So he held King’s face between his hands - safe and gentle - and kissed him again.

When King’s lips answered, for a long moment, there was no pain.

                    A/N:

That SCENE. Whew. Breathe. I wanted to add something about the next morning, but maybe that's another ficlet or chapter, this felt enough as it is...

For anyone interested, I wrote a meta on the tent scene while writing Ram's perspective, because while rewatching the scene just got better and better, and it was all too much to put into a little ficlet, so I had to put it somewhere, and that somewhere is here.