#karolinaxavin

As they established/discussed in “Avengers Academy” 27, Karolina and Julie DID feel an attraction to each other from their first encounter – waaaaaaaaaaay back in the early Runaways stuff, before Xavin even showed up. Regardless of team affiliations.

But in terms of this re-introduction to each other - it is a note of betrayal that Julie still fights back even when her team is trying to break up Karolina’s FAMILY. Yes, all sides stop fighting once they start actually talking it over, but Julie is NOT the one to initiate that. She assumes her leaders know what’s best first, and tries to understand second.

As for the “Understand” spell Nico casts in issue 28 – I am assuming that there’s a reason they show certain individuals sharing certain memories with specific other individuals. Like how Nico sees Tigra losing a love she was “supposed to have a whole life with” (doesn’t THAT open up a can of worms, wow), and Chase seeing two lovers who choose not to be together due to future memories (extra poignant considering what’s going on with him and Gert in recent issues).

And dammit, Karolina and Julie seeing what they see of each other – especially Julie seeing the breakdown Karolina had with Nico, which I wrote about in the second aforementioned post.

The fact that she sees THAT is important (and again, better writing than I expected - I am such an angry Xavin fangirl). So even though Karolina said she was only “sorta” engaged *ahem. Still bullshit* Julie herself must SEE the seriousness of that Love and the loss in Karolina’s heart.

Karolina saying “Oh my god, you are so awesome” to Julie right after the spell is also pretty telling – she saw a vision of Julie’s supportiveness to another queer comrade, a supportiveness and solidarity she herself has never experienced. Nobody else on her team has professed themselves to be anything like her, in that sense, so she’s never had that kind of support from anyone, nor been able to GIVE that kind of support. So she probably sees in Julie a validation of her own identity, and feeling of not-being-alone that must feel amazing in the face of her new loneliness.

It still bothers me that Kar speaks so flippantly about her relationship with Xavin. Maybe that’s a defense mechanism, whatever. But the knowledge Julie gains from this spell is indeed important - and what she says right after really shows that she understands the pain Karolina’s been through, and I HOPE means that she will be a solid, reassuring force in Karolina’s life. The fact that she is super gentle about asking Karolina out later in the issue is also heartening.

….I may not approve, but I do understand the emotional trauma Kar must feel, and I do want her to feel safe.

What we see of them together in issue 39 is reassuring, too, in terms of that sense of safety – it’s only a moment, of course, but they appear happy together.

When we see Karolina in college at the beginning of the new “Runaways” series (issue 3), they still seem pretty solid – in her inner-monologue-narration….thing, she describes Julie as “the kindest, most beautiful, BEST girlfriend.”

And she, herself, is trying very hard to move on from EVERYTHING – not just Xavin, but her entire old life and the family she built with the other Runaways. Everything she says in that monologue thing about her therapist’s advice, about her right to be happy, is beautiful and valid.

Buuuuuuut.

Wtf?

Is this the same Karolina that always fought so hard to keep everyone together, really?

(I DO love the fact that Gert calls her out on that, btw. “…my Karolina would never leave Molly behind!” TRUE.)

It does seem like the pain of everything – what her parents did, what happened to her people as a result, everything what happened during her time with her new family (not even just the Xavin stuff, they have all seen some weirdness) – MUST have hit her even deeper than she let on in the previous series…es. We just didn’t get to see that, as readers. Even the cover of the issue seems to imply that, with all those different hands reaching out as if to grab her (and sadly I can’t tell if Xavin is one of those hands - if anyone caught that, please let me know!).

Or maybe she herself didn’t even see it until that family broke up, and she was on her own, for real. 

Which means Julie is probably an even more stabilizing force in her life, being a constant source of love and support that is OUTSIDE of all that pain.

And I imagine that’s going to be very hard for Karolina to face, or leave – I mean, if (WHEN!!!) Xavin returns. It’s hard enough that she’s chosen to return to her family at all. They show her breaking down intensely about it in that same issue, when everyone shows up at her door and she tries to NOT go with them: First, she absolutely trashes the memory of what they all had together – “We weren’t anything real. We were just….together. We were just a bunch of scared kids who didn’t have anyone else.”

Absolute bullshit, btw, and I do not for a second think she really believes that – again, defense mechanism, probably – but OUCH.

All that therapy, all that self-autonomy and college and whatever, seems to actually be making her into a WORSE person. She seems to have been on a HUGE downward slide in that manner since Xavin left. But I digress.

And then she has a real, pillow-hugging darkness-crying breakdown when Nico leaves the room after calling her on THAT bullshit. And that mantra…. “I am a good person. I am my own person. My parents’ decisions don’t define me. I forgive myself for the mistakes I made when I was too young to know any better. I am allowed to be happy.”

I wonder how often she has to say that to herself. And I think that the difference is – when she’s with the Runaways (her FAMILY, goddammit), she is actively DOING something to address that guilt and pain inside of her. Instead of just trying to “move on” and “be happy.”

I know from personal experience that in order to be happy, you have to FACE that guilt inside yourself. Own it. And I don’t think this Karolina is doing that AT ALL.

That is, until we see her again in issue 5. She seeks out Nico on her own (with Julie’s help – more on that later), and seems resigned to being back with them. But when Nico tells her that their reunion has fallen apart, she DOES seem genuinely disappointed (and at the end of issue 6, she does say “let’s go home,” so she does seem to move from resigned to happily-accepting pretty well).

As for Julie, when Nico tries to kiss Karolina, she adamantly (as in freak-out-ishly) defends herself, almost shouting that she “has a girlfriend.” I mentioned before that that specific defense bothers me – after all, Kar “has a fiancée” still for all she freakin’ knows – but the word choice is interesting, too. She declares her relationship status, not that she doesn’t want Nico, but that she’s already taken by someone else.

(Though to be fair, it seems like Karolina is ALWAYS going to want Nico. First love and all.)

In my mind, that reinforces the space that Julie must fill for Karolina – a stable, safe space. Somewhere to belong after all the drama and trauma she’s been through with other people. God, the fact that she seems to need – and WANT – that, a shining safe happy rainbow place with no issues, makes me worry that she’s too bright and innocent for Xavin, even after all they’ve been through together. Noooooo bad thoughts.

I know this whole investigation is coming off very Karolina-negative. And I’m sorry, but I can’t help it. Even in this reread it looks like she’s been spiraling since Xavin left – and while I WANT to believe that’s a sign of how important Xavin was to her, it just reads awful (not in bad writing, I mean I’m just sad for her, and I question a lot about her with what she’s chosen to do in their time apart).

And I probably shouldn’t blame her for wanting that. We all deserve to be safe and happy. I just feel like she’s not really facing her demons and she can be- and HAS been – SO MUCH BETTER and so much MORE.

In terms of Karolina-positivity, though, she does kick ass in the fight against Molly’s grandma, and stays true to the beliefs we do know and love about her – Molly tells them not to hurt her grandma, then the cats, then her ‘mom,’ and Karolina sticks loyally to that demand (until the threat is too much, of course). THAT’S the Karolina I know and love.

Back to her connection to Julie – as I pointed out before, she does call on Julie for help, first to find Nico, then she suggests calling her when they need to contact the Avengers about Molly’s grandma. She clearly relies on her a lot, and it seems like it’s a solid situation for her. She knows she can rely on this person, and that must have been proven again and again in ways we haven’t even seen.

That shows really clearly, too, from the way Julie reacts when she can’t get a hold of Karolina in issue 7. When she doesn’t hear from her for a whole day, Julie freaks, and calls out the point that she’s allowed to freak – considering Karolina’s history and the danger she could be in at any second. I do actually find that admirable. At this point, it does seem like Karolina wants someone who will be that overprotective.

But I think if she really wants to grow, she needs someone who can and will respect that she can handle herself.

And I STILL believe Xavin is that person. They have been, for her, in the past – yes, a little overprotective in moments, but VERY aware of her own power and capabilities (I’m thinking specifically of the moment in “Dead End Kids,” in 1907, when she goes out exploring on her own and Xavin just says “Have fun. And then stop having fun and come back.”). An maybe Julie will grow into that, I don’t know, but I want my space lesbians to reunite thankyouverymuch so I AM going to be rooting for their reunion and reconciliation no matter what.

No matter how frustrated I am with Karolina’s behavior, even.

As for issue 7, again, we do get to see Karolina making a compromise with herself. She’s there, and showing up for her family, but she hasn’t given up her desires in terms of still going to school and still being with Julie. The fact that she’s skipped some classes, and will have to skip more to pick up Julie, doesn’t exactly bode well.... but for now, it seems like its working. And she does talk to Nico about HOW back she is – when Nico turns down her offer of money (also, DAMN, about her being so financially set), saying “we have to figure out how to do this on our own eventually,” Karolina immediately says “I’m part of ‘we.’ I’m part of ‘our own.’” I know I complained a lot about her fractured loyalty in her first appearance here, but I am truly glad that her need to be with her family again, REALLY be there, seems to be resolved. Even if it sounds like she still plans on living on campus, not at the Hostel.

It really does seem like a lot for her to have to figure out, and so suddenly :/

And as for that phone call, again, it is nice to see that Julie is so supportive of the fact that her family is back and THAT implies that the off-screen conversations they’ve had about it show that Kar is much more on board than it seemed at first, when her past literally came back to haunt her.

So I guess in closing, I am glad that Karolina has support and love. I am.

But I still think Xavin is better for her, especially if they’ve done the growing I hope they’ve done (as I talked about in my last post). 

If you just jump back into the new series without rereading the old runs, it seems like nothing happened with Xavin at all – all that’s been swept under the rug, and only mentioned in passing if you lump them and their love in with the comments that the monologue-thing includes about Karolina’s people and her parents’ actions. That’s not fair, and that’s not enough. I want closure, at least.

I’m worried they won’t give it to us. I guess we’ll see, with how they very Julie/Karolina-focused next issue goes. 

That wasn’t exactly Karolina’s decision and I understand why she’s been unfaithful since then.

And a note on ‘unfaithful’ - I know what you’re (probably) thinking.  No matter what the feelings, when one abandons their significant other against their will, that’s “pretty much” a break up. But if we DO get Xavin back, they’re going to come back from whatever trial they’ve been through in Karolina’s place, and expect to find their lover still engaged to themselves - maybe that’s not fair, but that is VERY who Xavin is. Especially a Xavin who sacrificed everything and risked their life for their beloved.

And it may not have been okay, what they did - deciding that all on their own and leaving Karolina all alone - but they both were (and I would argue, ARE) still in love, and Karolina’s going to have to answer for that.

On THAT note, the fact that Karolina freaked out when Nico tried to kiss her in issue 5, with the defense of “I have a girlfriend!” REALLY bothers me - it seems a drastic difference from how she seems to have gone from having a fiancee, who she still loved despite the abandonment, to dating someone else, even though she and Xavin never really broke up.

I hope we get to see/hear about more of her emotional development on that, too.

....Now off to re-read those issues of Avengers Academy, since its been a while and I want to make sure I have my facts right.

.... and everything post-”Dead Wrong” too, just in case.

She and Julie Power may be adorable together. And its good that they have another visible gay romance in comics now. Yay for that.

But, Xavin.

Xavin and Karolina are one of my first serious OTPs. I just LOVE them. Yes, I shipped Karolina with Nico before Xavin arrived, and at first I was unhappy with Karolina leaving, but after we see her and Xavin again, and everything they've gone through after that....I just fell in love. They're perfect and amazing to me, made even more perfect by the fact that Xavin sacrificed her freedom (and possibly her life) to spare Karolina the same fate! I have a thing for tragic romances. But I was - AM - still holding onto hope that they'll be reunited. 

They are still betrothed and Xavin's not dead. Or at least, we don't know that for sure. Karolina does not know that for sure (as far as I know - if her death was confirmed, someone please tell me so I can adjust my panic).

I want Karolina to be happy. I do.

But what a grossly dishonorable act, entering another relationship while her beloved - who sacrificed EVERYTHING for her - may still well be alive and planning on coming back to her once her plan has come to fruition.

I feel like a lot of Karolina and Xavin's problems as a couple were shown in the comic through Karolina's discomfort with Xavin's male form, and that made a lot of sense to me at the time - it wouldn't have been realistic if Karolina was magically comfortable with the male body, as she identifies as a lesbian. But they were clearly working on that, and growing as a couple throughout the series. It was sad that Karolina couldn't, apparently, accept Xavin in her male form as well as she could otherwise - but they seem to have had an understanding about that, and Karolina herself was important enough to Xavin for her to accept that too and still be happy together.

But now, with Karolina dating someone else without knowing for sure if Xavin is dead or alive, I'm questioning her behavior and her morals all over again.

I don't expect, or want, the characters I read to be perfect. That would be ridiculous and unrealistic.

But Xavin deserves BETTER.

This is making me question my OTP, and that hurts.