#kakudei

Hidan: “Called a meeting” my ass, blondie. You got us out here by screaming that the house was on fire!

Deidara: Anyways, I think it’s more than time we address the question that’s on everyone’s minds: which one of you gets to date me?

Itachi: … Pardon?

Deidara: It’s obvious that you’re all in love with me a little, hm. But I can’t just pick one of you, so I thought we should decide it as a group.

Sasori: Brat, I have to say, as far as delusions go, this may be your biggest one yet.

Deidara: I know you’re angry about this, Danna, because we’re partners and you think your claim should be stronger than anyone else’s. But we gotta be fair to the others, hm.

Hidan: Fuck that, you can keep him, puppet-dick. I’m definitely not interested in his dumb ass! I mean if he wants to bang a few times, sure, but —

Itachi: Deidara, why am I here? You don’t even like me!

Kakuzu: I cannot see how “dating” you would do anything other than cost me time and money. Pass.

Kisame: I would eat you alive. And I don’t mean that figuratively.

Konan: No offense, but I’m pretty sure I don’t have, er, the right “parts” to interest you.

Tobi: I’d love to date Senpai … *switches to Obito voice* You and I would make beautiful music together ~

Deidara, blushing: Well, I —

Sasori: Wait a second … Deidara, are your standards so low that you would actually date this masked idiot?

Tobi, still in Obito voice: I could take care of him better than you ever could, you wooden asshole. You, or anyone else in this room.

Itachi, sarcastically: Indeed. Because if Deidara just suddenly decided to stop hating Uchiha’s, he’d pick the least talented one of the group to date.

Konan: … Who’s an Uchiha, now?

Hidan: Holy Jashin, blondie … maybe we should be dating after all. I’d feel fucking guilty leaving you with this pool of losers. 

Kakuzu: Oi, if this is going to distract you all from your missions and hinder your bringing in money, then I will date the brat after all. I’m the only one with the self-control necessary to not let personal ties interfere with business.

Kisame: Pardon me, but you’re not the only one with exceptional self control, Kakuzu-san. I believe I’m talented in that area as well.

*everyone in the group begins loudly arguing with each other*

Konan, to Deidara: So was there anyone in particular you had your mind on?

Deidara: No, hm. I was just bored.

Konan:

However, I’m now pissed at Kakuzu for leaving Hidan after their 1.5 years relationship for Deidara, because Deidara flirted with Kakuzu when Hidan brought Kakuzu with him to his friend meetings and said “that’s Kakuzu! We are FRIENDS.” But Hidan legit had no other option, because the last time his parents found out he’s into men, he was hit by his dad and sent to conversion camp, which was brutal as fuck. So Hidan just sits sadly at home, not coming to friend meetings anymore since Deidara now always brings his new boyfriend and Hidan can’t complain ‘cause none of his friends know Kakuzu is his ex, they don’t even know he’s gay! And then the next Sunday he goes to church with his family and confesses the relationship in the little confession booth and the fucking priest tells his parents the next time he sees them and his parents again get terribly angry at him and do bad stuff and then throw him out with lashes on his back which then get infected and he tries to contact Kisame, because he needs a place to stay but Kisame is busy and not picking up his fucking phone and everything is just a fucking mess!

Kisame: Would you still love me if I was a worm?

Sasori: The brains of worms aren’t large enough to experience the complex emotion of love, so the better question is: would you still love me if you were a worm?

—

Kakuzu: That’s the plan, does anyone have any questions?

Deidara: Yes! Would you still love me if I was a worm?

Kakuzu: No, dismissed.

Deidara: You didn’t even hesitate!

—

Hidan: Important question for our relationship, would you still love me if I was a worm?

New story from Campfire series is on AO3 now. This time about unusual pairing: Kaku/Dei. Why? Two reason:

First is how Kakuzu stands up for Deidara and shuts Hidan down when he mentions Kakuzu needed to reattach Deidara’s hands.

Second is Deidara's Ultimate art - the C0­. It appears to be sewn down. The stitches are very similar to those on his hands from Kakuzu's Earth Grudge Fear.

Summary: Deidara gets his arms fixed by Kakuzu and gets shown a different side of the zombie combo.

Pairing: Kakuzu/Hidan/Deidara Yes, all three.

Warning: Slight body horror and gore. Nothing major tho. Also, extremely OOC and self indulgent, ngl. This is purely fluff, albeit very strange fluff.

The scent of blood and decay hung heavy in the air, mixing with the barely muffled sounds of whimpers and groans.

Deidara looked down at what was left of his arms, a bloody, ruined stump on the left, still oozing despite it being at least two nights since he’d lost them. On his right, thick, black stitches carved their way into his skin, slowly repairing the otherwise unfixable damage.

“Kakuzu knows how to compliment right, yeah ❤️👌❤️👌💕👀 💥 ”

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