Got these in the post this morning. Mixed feelings has never seemed such an apt thing to say right now.
I'm excited, sure, because it's a new chapter in my life about to start, medical school. When in the hospital, I'll look back upon the day when I got these things and reminisce. I'll think I've come a long way from this moment right here.
However, I feel a little anxious. It now means that I'm starting something completely new, I'm officially moving onto the training for my career, something that I have to acknowledge in my adult life. I think I'm more anxious than excited to be honest. The happiness of going away to study something I love is probably just a veneer to cover up what I'm actually feeling. I'm moving away from home. My comfort zone, my solitude, my place of rest. As the first of october looms, the feeling of going to London, to university is slowly growing to be more bad than good. The knot in my stomach seems to be getting bigger.
The transition from school student to university student is so big, I didn't realise how much of a struggle it is actually going to be. I'm not going to say that I don't want to go, because I do. The apprehension I feel is because it is a brand new experience, I have no safety net either - this metaphor pertaining to my parents of course.Â
Independence too. I'm going to have to accept the fact that there's no-one who truly cares for me at university (bar my brother, but we won't be seeing each other that much, our timetables are too dissimilar). The only people caring for me, that will truly have my back at all times, regardless of me being right or wrong will be around 150 miles away. I can only contact them by phone call, or online.Â
It'll be a tough change, of this I'm sure. I feel that, at 18, I should be feeling confident and willing to take this change head-on. At this moment, with less than a month to go to when I have to move out, I don't feel that way truly. Of course, I'll say to people that I cannot wait to go. The only truth I speak there is because I want to get out of the house, and rid myself of the boredom that being essentially contained in a house for around 3 months now has brought.Â
I do, I do want to take this change head-on. Why am I not feeling the motivation to do so? I'll have to gather up the confidence, build it up so that I'm brimming from it by the time the month is over. Maybe the effort of doing so is the de-motivator.Â
To be honest, this was exactly how I felt seven years ago, when beginning to attend secondary school. It is how I felt when we moved from Cornwall to the West Midlands. I felt this way when we talked of moving house - we've been happy here for twelve years, why move now? Even when we talked of getting a new car. Maybe it's me, my kainotophobic character maybe what is holding me back and the cause for all the previous times. Maybe it's human nature to be kainotophobic.
All in all though, I guess what they say about time being the best healer is true. All the past situations showed me that time helps. It allowed me to adapt to what changed and become the best in the environment I was placed in.
I can't deny, on the other hand, that when I get there, I'll be dead excited for the years to come.
