#zodiology

Mine...

Pisces: Buy a coffin-

Scorpio: *choking on his saliva* I didn't know you had it in yourself.

Aries: I'm happy to see that you're experiencing some great personal growth and spiritual development right now. You're still using people though. You're still seeking out others to help carry the burden of your emotional baggage. I believe in your own strength. I believe you're able to build a healthy enough relationship with yourself and with your past to stop needing others to shoulder your burdens for you. I would still like to give you that tattoo we talked about 6 years ago.

Taurus: I love you very much, you're kind and you're trying your best. But you're also stuck in this rut of anxiety and fear and you're finding any excuse to blame someone/something else. You want to avoid the truth. You don't like to admit that you're scared. Well, you do, technically, but you never admit what you're truly scared of. You'll make jokes or you'll make excuses or you'll get angry. But you won't admit the darker truth behind all of that. At least, not out loud. Also, your socks are not where they should be. No, silly, not those ones. The other ones. The ones you've forgotten about... or have you?

Gemini: You have more value and worth than you're giving yourself credit for. Your self esteem is shit, I can see that from a mile away. But you're so very worthy of all the good in your life. You deserve to love yourself unconditionally. You deserve to advocate for yourself. It's okay to tell people to treat you the way you want to be treated. Thanks for the butter lettuce that one time. That was dope.

Cancer: Holy fuck I'm really hurt by my cancer-ex right now, so I shouldn't even do this one. He was such a piece of shit. He literally lied to everyone about- okay, okay, I'll stop. I'll focus on other cancer energies around me and snip the connection with Evil Ex. *deep breath* okay, Cancers who haven't stolen $1,500 from me & cut my mattress in half: You're doing fine. You're doing great. You've been working towards some huge things in your life right now and I'm so proud of you. You may not feel like you're getting as far as those around you, but you're not even competing in the same race. Your journey is entirely your own. You're going at the perfect pace to complete it, because it's your pace.

Leo: People cannot and will not fall madly in love with you after the first moment they meet you. I promise you, this is not a Disney movie. You are holding these expectations of popularity and love from all high above the water while you're drowning in it. Focus on yourself. Focus on your mental health and your journey to self-acceptance. There's no clock that controls love. You have time. Stop tossing aside your boundaries just because someone makes you feel special. Your support system is filled with love for you. But one of them is kinda hungry right now. She could really use a vegan milkshake omg that sounds delicious right now please please please.

Virgo: Who the fuck is even a virgo? I don't know a single virgo, stop lying. No one has ever been born between... what even is it, again? August 23rd?? To September 22nd??? Yeah fucking right. As if those dates even exist. Ridicul- oh fuck Jenna Marbles is a virgo. Okay. But that's the only one. Everyone else was lied to about their birthday. August only has 22 days and September doesnt even start until the 23rd.

Libra: Your past can only define you for so long. You can only blame your childhood and your upbringing in so many situations until you need to take a step back and realize you're in control of yourself. It's your responsibility to unlearn toxic thing you've grown up around. It's your responsibility to fight past ugly narratives that your family has spun about the world. It's a lot bigger than your home town, I can promise you that much. You're capable of change. But it is YOUR responsibility to make that happen. Did you know Tom Selleck is a Libra? Well if you said yes, you're being silly. That wasn't true at all. I don't even know Tom's birthday.

Scorpio: You have been in some toxic relationships. I am so sorry for the things that your ex(es) have put you through. I'm sorry for the way it still effects you so strongly. But not wanting partners to "control you" does not mean they're not allowed to have boundaries. There is a difference between control and self-preservation. They are entitled to having boundaries in a relationship. Wash your face masks more often, okay bud?

Sagittarius: Hey, you're very special to me. I love and care about you very much. You have an unhealthy need for control of a situation. You're also pretty bad with your money. But that's not my business. By the way, how's that injury doing? The one you got a little bit ago? Oof. That was rough. I hope you're recovering well. I think it should be okay.

Capricorn: Oof. Lmao.

Capricorn 2: hahaha that last one was just a joke. I thought you wouldn't find it funny at all and that's exactly why I did it. Anyways, I meant it. I wondered for awhile why you kept avoiding people. Why you kept hiding away and pretending to just be ~busy~ but I understand now. They told me everything. Part of me wishes that I didn't know. Another part wishes I had known sooner. It doesn't matter. You won't talk about it either way.

Aquarius: Your emotional burdens could never be written by hollywood. People would tell your story, perfectly in every detail, and the audience would scowl. "Unrealistic" they would say. "It made no sense!" The crowd would shout. "That was entirely impossible." That one man in the front row would claim. They'd all be wrong. You've really been through the works, haven't you. I just looked up Tom Sellek's birthday. Did you know he is an Aquarius? Don't tell Libra. I want it to be a surprise :)

Aries: Who the heck keeps track of their age? I don’t.

Taurus: I am ancient. I am infinite.

Gemini: I’m a day older than I was yesterday.

Cancer: I’m at the age where I feel alive but dead inside.

Leo: You’re not my type. Buzz off!

Virgo: My IQ is 4 times my age. Just solve 4x with that piece of information.

Libra: I’m old enough to know that your clothes went out of style ages ago.

Scorpio: I remember having dinosaur as a pet.

Sagittarius: As old as you want me to be, honey.

Capricorn: Old enough to watch the whole world burn!

Aquarius: I could be 9. I could be 13. I could be infinite. I could be an alien. I could be...