#kaarin tabris

Attitudes to Tevinter. Go!

Well that was certainly longer than expected!

She grew up in the Alienage wanting desperately to follow in her mother's footsteps. Her mother was her biggest role model; she always seemed larger than life, a warrior of such immensity that it was hard not to gaze at her in awe. She was soft, however, kind and gentle, not rough like the other warriors Kaarin had always seen. Her mother always spoke tenderly but with purpose, and so Kaarin grew to worship those qualities; strong and brave yet gentle and soft, harsh when she needed to be but always kind. 

Her mother taught her how to dance. Their dances were slow, with twirls that sent Kaarin's hair flying around and her skirts flaring, and deep bows that flexed her back until she could almost bend in half, her chest bare inches away from her knees. She grew a love for dancing that left her quick-stepped and soft-footed - something that got her into endless trouble later in life, when she could twirl into a crowd, cause as much mischief as she liked, and spin out the other side before she got caught. 

Her mother died when she was six. She remembers her, but not well, and this is something that she hates; the most she can remember of her mother is her long, brown hair, the vibrant brown of her eyes, and the scent of a perfume she can no longer name, one her mother most likely made herself. Her memories come to her most when she trains and dances, soft words her mother used to tell her echoing through her ears. She trains endlessly, just so she can hear her mother again, preserve that last piece she retains of who her mother once was. 

Kaarin did not want to marry. She was so very against the idea; she wanted to be like her mother, wanted to adventure into the beyond, slay vicious monstrosities and battle grand Champions, not settle down so soon in her life to become the perfect housewife for a man she didn't love. She was very sardonic about the wedding. She went only because Shianni brushed her hair and tied it into a high bun on her head, because Shianni pressed her hands against her shoulders and squeezed ever so gentle, because Shianni smiled and told her it would be alright. 

Vaughn died slowly. She didn't just take his head, but his fingers, his toes, his hands, his feet - she took out her anger and fear on him until his corpse was a mess of gashes and holes. She was strong, then, for Shianni, because Shianni said it would be alright, and Kaarin had to believe that it would be so. 

She loved the Grey Wardens. She was thrilled when she was called for conscription, excited the entire walk to Ostegar, brimming with electric energy when she finally stood upon its soil, when she finally saw the king, when she waltzed into the camps and saw how great of a thing she had put herself in for. 

She befriended Alistair with ease, and looked forward to fighting with him in battle. She loved Duncan as a mentor and a father; even as short a time as they had spent together, Duncan had held the same air as her mother, the same pride and bravery and kindness. She enjoyed her time with the other recruits, and shed tears when only she pulled through. 

She broke when she heard that only she and Alistair remained, and she only held herself together when she walked outside Morrigan's hut and saw him self for herself. 

When she left Flemeth behind, she knew her adventure had begun, and she was ecstatic. Finally, a tale for her, one like the tales her mother used to retell to her as stories before bed. Her first few steps into the world, and she couldn't believe her luck.

She was young and naive. It soon passed. 

She grew into a hero. Though she still remained as bright, as bubble, as joyful as she had in Ostegar, part of her changed. She became stern. She became harsh. Whereas she would have shown mercy to all, she soon learnt that mercy to some meant an opportunity to do wrong again. She grew weary, for a time, of the world, of how broken and corrupt it seemed. But she was stubborn, and she was true, and she was determined that should could help cleanse the world of its corruption. It was her journey, after all. 

She told her woes to Wynne, and grew to love her as a mother. She laughed and drank with Oghren, the best balmy friend a young elf could have. She spoke in soft whispers to Leliana, danced with her in the pale light of the moon, taught her how to tie her hair in the bun her mother had always done, and gained a sister she always loved. She learnt the realities of the world with Sten, the harshness she tried to sand down, and how to deal when she couldn't help everyone - and gained a friend she hoped she would never see again, because seeing him would mean the end of the world. She befriended Zevran, and gained someone completely invaluable, someone who would flirt and laugh and enjoy her perverted comments as much as she did, who would sit beside her in a tavern and wink when he spotted someone looking her way, who would listen to her talk into the late hours of the night about things that would ruin her, safe in the knowledge that he never would. With Alistair, she gained a brother, someone she would taunt and tease and poke and prod until he was flushed red in the face and embarrassed beyond belief, someone she could talk to about the jovial and the serious and would somehow always get what she meant, someone she could lean against when she nights were rough and cry into without care. With Morrigan, she gained a sister, although she could never tell you how, or what it meant, besides the fact that it simply was. 

Dog, needless to say, is her constant companion through the years, a pillow when the nights are cold, a protector when the battles are tough, a playful spirit when she needs cheering up.

Kaarin is so much a people person. She was surrounded by people in the Alienage, people who would treat her as much a member of their family as her own did. When she went out on her adventure, she was alone. They became her inner circle, her special band, her family despite the things that separated them and made them different. She loves them dearly.

She helps the mages in the Circle. She advocates mage freedom - and the freedom of all else besides. She went to Orzammar and put Bhelen on the throne, a forward thinking man ready for a change she wanted to make. She healed the werewolves in the Brecillian Forest, saved the Dalish elves from their own. She helped Dagna get into the Circle, let her follow her dreams. She put Alistair on the throne, because Anora scared her, linked too closely to Loghain. Because if Alistair ever needed help, she could provide it; because Alistair would help make the change Kaarin so desperately wanted to see, whereas Anora was an enigma all of her own. She respected Anora as much as she feared her. 

When all was said and done, Kaarin had changed. She was her mother. She was still young, still likely to crack a crude joke or flirt with Zevran, still likely to get that excited sparkle in her eye at the prospect of a new adventure. But she has grown; she is serious at times where should would not have been, she is strict and fierce in her beliefs, she is a warrior, a veteran, a leader; she is a commander, with a set jaw and a harsh glare. She vanquishes the wicked and helps the poor, the lonely, the needy. 

She becomes Warden Commander. Her responsibilities grow, but she remains fundamentally the same. 

She befriends Justice. She befriends Anders. She learns to love them as her closest friends, and worries for them endlessly, whenever she's out on the field, whenever they're out there with her. Justice become her confidant. She teaches him human things, like expressions and emotions, and the burdens of trying to find the balance between it all, and he teaches her about the face, the simplicity of what a spirit must do, the ease of their fall to becoming demons should they fail. Anders she falls in love with. He's perfect, in her eyes: charming, witty, flirtatious; a strong sense of justice; a desire to do good, even if he hides it; a righteous burning anger that kindles the need for justice in her own chest. 

She spends long hours with them both. Justice spends his nights with her, standing by her bedroom door. She fears so much, her fears plague her in the night. His presence eases her dreams in the Fade to simple Darkspawn dreams, ones she can handle in the place of seeing the blood of her failure painting the floors and the walls of her dreams. Anders spends his down time with her, often out in the field, laughing as they mess with Templars or sit in the grass and talk as she makes daisy chains for his hair. 

Sigrun becomes her best friend. They talk about all the things she can't talk to Anders about, girl things, like how to get the bloodstains out of their armour, or how to repay the new recruit for his comment about where women belong. She trusts Sigrun, to the point that if her nightmares trouble her sleep and Justice is away on his rounds, she'll slip out of her bed and into Sigrun's, and they'll talk to each other in the darkness of the night until finally Kaarin can get to sleep.

Nathaniel becomes a mother hen. She laughs at his antics as he tries to stop her from running off with Anders or attempting to get retribution on sexist young men. He calms her down when her rage overtakes her rational thought, rests his hand on her shoulder when she needs to steel herself after a trying day, talks to her in hushed whispers in a corner of a dark room when she can no longer be the brave, strong leader, and needs, for a moment, to be a terrified little girl playing soldier. 

Dog stays with her even then, refusing to leave her side even when the greys start to appear around his muzzle. 

Things change, once again, when Anders leaves. It happens on a night when she's not there, and when she returns there are Templars in her Keep, two of her closest friends are missing, and all that's left behind is Anders' Warden's Oath, covered in blood. 

She blames herself for that for a long time, until she gets word back from Nathaniel that Anders is still alive and in Kirkwall. She still blames herself, of course, but the sheer relief of knowing he's alive - and Justice, as well - brings her to tears the moment she reads the missive. (The first thing she asks Nathaniel when he arrives back is, "Does he seem happy there?")

Nathaniel becomes her second-in-command. She has to leave frequently, partly to help Alistair set up the first foundations of the freedoms she has in mind  - the freedoms of the mages in Ferelden, the freedom of the Dalish, the freedom of any who are pursecuted for that which they cannot control - and partly because she has her own little schemes going on; after hearing of the situation in Kirkwall, she starts an operation in which she sneaks into Circles and attempts to ease the lives of the mages there, by getting rid of cruel Templars, by making kind Templars more likely for promotion to high ranks, by helping mages who desperately need it to escape, by freeing to-be-Tranquil mages before the rite can be passed, by simply going around to the mages and asking them what she can do to help. 

She becomes known, after a while, as a spirit. She wears a hood low over her face, speaks in low whisper, and tries to reach as far across as she can, to leave no mage to slip through the nets. The mages don't think she could be anything else; she's become so good at dancing in and out that she can be there one moment, and have totally vanished the next.

She finds this ironic. Kaarin learnt how to be a spirit warrior, make it her specialization, and bonded with a spirit of Compassion, a gentle little thing that wants so much to make right all the wrongs it can see through her eyes. It gives her its strength, and in return she gives it the means to help all the people it can.

5: Did your Warden want to become a Grey Warden? 

Kaarin - Yes, she sort of did. While she didn't know about them beforehand, the idea of joining a great band of people to defeat a terrifying evil really got her adrenaline pumping. She loves adventure, and the idea of marrying and having to be tied down actually terrified her. So being a Warden was a way out of something she really didn't want, and a way into something she'd always dreamed of.

Mius - He was torn. He wanted to become a Grey Warden so he could slaughter Howe, and he was thinking about it before when Duncan turned up, but really, that was more him wanting to make his own decision and getting annoyed that his dad butted in. If it'd been completely his choice, he would've just smiled serenely, shook his head and said it wasn't the lifestyle for him. Truthfully, his vengeance is the only thing that drives him on.

6: Does your Warden regret becoming a Grey Warden? 

Kaarin - No, not really. She lives for adventure. If she could go back and do everything all over again, she'd take it. Being a Grey Warden brought her adventure, brought her family, and brought her glory. She loves it. Especially since it brought her to the Keep. That faction of Grey Wardens? They're her babies. She connects with each and every one of them, makes them family, and that great big union of people? That companionship? That's something she wouldn't give up for the world, even with all the pain that comes with being a Grey Warden. So no, she doesn't regret it at all. She loves every minute of it.

Mius - Sort of. He got involved because of his anger and his need for vengeance. All the time he feels that, he feels as if it's worth it. That the short life, the fear, the pain - so long as he's fighting for revenge, it's worth being a Grey Warden. When he calms down again, sometime during Awakening, he realises the mistake he's made. That he now has to live with a choice he made while infuriated, something that made him irrational and completely ignorant of the consequences. Mius is terrified of death. To realise that it's going to come to him sooner - well. He regrets that it wasn't his choice. Or more that, it's not a choice he can take back. He didn't really want to be a Grey Warden, and knowing that he's tied to it for life doesn't help. 

11: What was your Warden’s first impression of Morrigan? 

Kaarin - She thought Morrigan was awesome. Morrigan was witty, strong, and incredibly intelligent. Not only did she not flinch in the presence of three men, or four people in armour, but she actively disregarded everything they would have fallen back on as a safeguard. And Kaarin respected that. Just those few minutes of meeting intrigued her, and really did make her want to meet Morrigan again - if only for some banter.

Mius - He was wary of Morrigan, at first. He wasn't going to believe the Witch of the Wilds thing, but an apostate in the woods is always something to be cautious of. While he did find her wit and intelligence charming, he still kept up his guard - as hard as that was, considering that he generally flirts with anything and everything.

12: What do they think of Morrigan now? 

Kaarin - Morrigan is her beloved sister. She fears for her safety out in the world, but at the same time, she knows that Morrigan is more than capable of looking after herself. She knows just how complex Morrigan is, and she's more than honored that she managed to befriend her.

Mius - Morrigan baffles him. She's really not like any other woman he's met - and that's not just because she doesn't care about any advances he makes. Her logic sometimes makes his mind spin, and her comebacks sometimes go over his head, but overall, he respects her. He's also slightly terrified of her, but he admires her strength and her power, as well as her determination.

19: What was your Warden’s first impression of Zevran? 

Kaarin - She was grinning like a fool once she'd helped Zevran stand after they'd tied him up. Their personalities mixed well, as did their humour and their wit. She thought that he was a good man, deep down, and a very charming elf. She also thought that he was very, very handsome, and may have been more than willing to flirt and succumb to his advances even through just that small bit of banter they had. She thought him funny, but also very complex - maybe not in the way that Morrigan is, but more in the way that he wears masks. Overall, she connected with him quickly.

Mius - He and Kaarin actually acted quite the same when it comes to Zevran. While he may not have swooned as much as Kaarin did, he was certainly taken in by the elf's charms. He saw him as a very admirable opponent, and even more admirable as a fellow rogue. Mius is not nearly as trusting as Kaarin, though, so he acknowledged the threat that Zevran posed and was very cautious around him during that first conversation. He didn't know if he should trust Zevran or not.

20: What does your Warden think of Zevran now? 

Kaarin - It's hard to explain what she thinks of Zevran now. He's a good friend. She would do anything to help him if she could, and she's quite aware that he'd do the same. They might not talk about it much, but they definitely show it in subtle ways - such as the way that Grey Wardens always seem to be in areas that Zevran goes to, or in the way that people who go against Kaarin are quickly exposed or disposed. She is very calm and relaxed around him, and is more than happy to joke and hug and laugh with him. She thinks he's trustworthy enough to whisper her secrets to, and so far, he's the only one to know about her one true regret. She loves him, as a brother, as a friend, and, if she was ever good enough at love to realise when she feels it romantically, probably as a lover, too.

When Kaarin and Morrigan hug, it's much more subdued. They hug lightly, hands cupping waists, protective but distant. Morrigan leans down and Kaarin leans up, so they can whisper into each other's ears, speak the things they won't say any way else, They're sisters, when they hug like this, huddling together to talk about things they wouldn't tell anyone else. 

When Kaarin and Sten hug, it's like watching a parent hug their child. He kneels down and sits on his calves, wraps an arm around her waist and presses the other to the back of her head. She, in turn, clutches his shoulders like a lifeline, her face pressed into the side of his neck. She cries when they hug, because they only hug once, and that is when her adventure as The Warden is over, and he must return to Par Vollen.

When Kaarin and Leliana hug, it's an act of comfort, solidarity and friendship. Their hands rest between shoulder blades, protecting that weakest point on the other's back, cradling close whatever lies between them. Sometimes, they sit, and Kaarin kneels between Leliana's knees. Always, however, their foreheads are pressed together and their eyes are closed, small smiles playing on their lips as they whisper words, senseless words, into the space between. 

Kaarin and Zevran hug like long lost lovers meeting for the first time in years. She squeals when she sees him, his arms wide open and smirk plastered on in invitation. She runs and jumps and wraps herself around him, her legs around his waist, her arms around his neck, him supporting her back as they laugh and spin and kiss, joyous little pecks between friends. She slides down after long moments, and their bodies are still pressed close, his lips pressing against her temple and her lips pressing against his cheek. When she pulls back from his hugs, she smiles, because it has been years since she saw him, and she's happy he made it back home. 

When Kaarin and Wynne hug, it's a grandmother to a grandchild. Wynne is a sold form of wisdom and comfort, her arms encircling Kaarin and pulling her to her chest. Kaarin wraps her arms behind Wynne's back and grips with crooked fingers into the material by her shoulder blades. She presses her face into Wynne's shoulders, and Wynne holds her tight, holds her together, because Kaarin, as much as a hero as she may be, is still young, and the death and destruction and pain lies heavy in her heart. But Wynne's arms are warm, her voice soothing, her scent familiar. Her hugs are relief and strength, when the weight of responsibility becomes too much to bear.

When Kaarin and Oghren hug, it's fond. He doesn't hug normally, doesn't see the point, but sometimes she manages to take him off guard if she ducks down and kisses his cheek, wraps her arms around his waist and laughs. She gives him a light squeeze and he pats her back begrudgingly, but she knows it's an act - he's a warrior, after all, with Dwarven pride - so she hugs him tight and she only lets go when he presses at her shoulder, laughter still in her eyes and she skips away, his answering belch setting her off into fits of giggles, because he always has to show that he's the man. 

When Kaarin and Shale hug, it's playful. She scrambles up Shale's back and wraps her arms around the golem's neck, pressing her cheek against cool stone to feel the buzz of magic against her flesh. Her hugs are tight, because Shale stomps and stamps and Kaarin is jerked from side to side with squeals of glee, her legs dangling below her against Shale's back. Shale doesn't hug back, but in a way, she does, because she could easily bat Kaarin away if she wanted to, but she lets her hang from her neck as much as she pleases, and Kaarin pleases as much as she likes. 

---

When Kaarin hugs Sigrun, it's friendly. They hug tight and they hug often, Kaarin having to bend down at the waist only slightly to wrap her arms around Sigrun, and for Sigrun to do the same. They hug in the morning, they hug at night, they hug when the find each other after a split that had made them wonder, not for the first time, if the other way okay. They hug as frequently as they can, and they always hug tight, with wide smiles on their faces. They hug like sisters, like very close friends, like a pair that is always happy to see the other half, and really, they always are.

When Kaarin and Velanna hug, it's awkward. Velanna's back is stiff and she holds herself tight, but Kaarin is relaxed enough for the both of them, and she wraps her arms tight around Velanna's waist, waiting, waiting. It takes them weeks and many hugs in between for Velanna to relax enough to smile, but there's familiarity to those hugs, like cousins meeting after time spent apart.

When Kaarin and Nathaniel hug, it's slow. She has to catch his attention, at times, because she can't hug him at random without him reacting in some bad way, and he doesn't actively seek her out for hugs. When she wants them, though, she makes it clear, standing in his path with her arms out stretched and her lips pulled into a pout, waiting for the inevitable moment that his facade breaks. He chuckles, then, and ducks himself down to pull her into a hug, bent at the waist so she can curve her arms beneath his and cup his shoulders, burying her face in his hair. He is warm, and he always smells of something woodsy. He is a stubborn man, and so the rasp of his chuckle against her ear and the burn of his slight goatee against her cheek is well loved, because they are traits that can belong only to him.

When Kaarin and Justice hug, it is calming and innocent. She wraps her arms around his and clings to it tightly, laughing and grinning wherever they go, It is a slight touch, one that does not make him uncomfortable or hinder his own movement. She can hug him, then, whenever she likes. Sometimes he even initiates it, holding his arm out for her, elbow bent, so she can wrap herself around it and chatter on about the things in the world he has yet to know about. Her favourite way to hug him, however, is when they are sitting down beneath the stars, her head on his shoulder, learning about the Fade and what it means, feeling that those moments are endless.

She makes a mad dash towards the mouse hole across the room, giddy for a moment that she almost flies across the space on her four tiny feet, before the shudder returns as dread as she squeezes herself down the tiny hole and through to the other side. 

Better to be a mouse than an elf, she jokingly thinks for a moment, trying not to squirm with discomfort as the earth pushes down against her small frame. Much better for scurrying, despite what the shems might think.

She takes a deep sniff as she reaches the end, her senses muddled by a million not-there scents, before she pokes the rest of her head out, testing to make sure the room is clear. Her eyes are beady but her sight bad, and, she notices with a sigh, rather bad at focusing with the Fade quivering around her. 

With a deep breath in small lungs, she shimmies her shoulders past the rim of the mouse hole, back legs scampering to push the rest of her body out. She falls out with a roll and a soft squeak of surprise, dizzied by the tumble before a short burst of laughter breaks the spin of the world.

She rights herself, shaking her head a little more vigorously to feel the flop of her ears, twitching her nose once she's done as she surveys the room for the nearest door. A sound to her left makes her muscles tense involuntary, a strong odor assaulting her nose and hot breath sending her sensitive fur into a fit of rises and falls. 

Slowly, ever so slowly, with her sides expanding and contracting as her instincts make her breath faster in fear, she turns her head to face the ogre crouched down on the floor beside her, its gaping mouth reeking of decay. The beast - that would have towered over her as an elf - seems to have no end to her small, mouse eyes.

"Shit."

With a terrified squeak, she darts off across the room, spine jumping as the ogre roars and takes chase.

She runs to the door, she runs to the wall, she runs and runs, panic making it hard for her to think, as the stomps of the ogre's feet vibrate through her bones and rattle her to the core.

Why am I a mouse? She wonders for a moment, shrieking as blunt nails brush against the tips of her fur.

And then she stops. And then she stares. And then she shrieks and runs once more. I'm NOT a blighted mouse! I'm an elf! Maker, I hate the Fade.

With a shrill battle cry - that sounds more like a tiny squeak - she thinks of being herself again, and suddenly she is growing, her fur retreating to reveal skin, and her ears returning from circles to points.

"AHA!" She cries with relief, her swords back in her hands. "I missed having two feet! Well, only two feet. Mice have two feet, too."

The ogre roars, and she jumps, snapping out of her thoughts. "Right. Ugly giant thing. Killing. Yes."

She waits for the beast to brings its head down into a charge and holds her longest blade out in front of her, yelling as she rushes towards it. She meets its charge with red steel, and grins victoriously as her blade penetrates its skull and slices through its brain. She draws down her dagger and jams it into the ogre's temple, just to be sure that it is dead.

She pulls her blades out, pulling a face at the brain lumps left of her sword, and gives the ogre a good kick for luck. She quickly glances around before wiping the blood from her blades onto the ogre's back, tapping it on the head with the flat of her sword as thanks.

"Well," she says cheerily as she turns towards the door, stepping over the ogre to reach it, "That was fun. I wish Alistair could have seen that. Oh! Or Oghren. Show them how real warriors fight."

As she opens the metal door, pleased with her work and the images of besting her fellow warriors, she gives a shrill cry of surprise, and quickly punches the demon on the other side of it in the face. 

"Or... Or not. Maker I hope that doesn't make it into the epics." She laughs nervously as she brushes down her armour, pushing a stray strand of hair behind her pointed ear. "That'd go down well. 'And so the Warden shit herself when opening a door, unprepared for the demon on the other side, despite being in the Fade and having met plenty of demons before that exact moment'."

With a sigh, she shakes her head and smiles, stepping over the unconscious form of the demon to continue on down the halls of the Templar's nightmare, humming pleasantly to herself while pretending that she hadn't been scared by the demon on the other side of the door at all. 

"Am I the only one wondering why I can hit a Rage demon with my sword...? I mean, they're great mounds of lava, so it's not exactly the best method... Actually, forget I said anything. Don't put logic in the Fade. And don't say anything that could fuck you over. The demons might realise swords don't work too well against lava."

"... Wynneeeee. Wynneeeee. Wynnee- oh, right, have to find her..."

"I'm lost. Shit. No, no, it's alright, just... Trace yourself backwards and-  Was that wall there before?"

"Oh, hey, fire. I bet I can totally go through tha- SHIT SHIT SHIT FIRE'S HOT."

"I need mages. Lots of mages. Healing mages. Demons hurt."

"... THESE MOUSE HOLES NEVER END."

"Don't mind me, mister Ogre, I'm just a mouse..."