#justmissingyou

(Duma LB)

I lost my best friend this year. I'm still in mourning. I'm still in shock. My life is nothing like I expected or wanted.i want my best friend back. I'm tired of being angry. I'm angry with myself. Why do I push people away? normal people don't do that, people do that. But why would I believe that about myself I'm so mad at him. I miss him. I love him. Some times I tell myself I just love the idea of him. I don't think it's real, any of it. There are no long stares of adornment. No secret love notes, no brushing hands as you go by. None of it. I'm angry. And I'm hurt I hate that I fell in love with him. I always told him everything on my mind, all my stupid thoughts, random questions...I was opening up. I don't know what I did but I'm sure it was me that ruined it. I'm good at that. I got angry so I lied & said I didn't love him. I'd give anything to hear him say it to me again. I miss texting & his 7am calls. I miss believing in something that isn't real.

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Another long day of pretending I don't miss him. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving & while he enjoys his real family, I will do everything I can think of to keep myself too busy to send him a message. This gets easier, right?

夏に死んじゃった友達のお別れ会に行く。陽気で、阿波踊りが上手で、いつも一緒にベロベロになるまで酔っ払ってたL.A.生まれの友達に、もう会えないのが信じられない。 雪の日に飲む約束して会ったら、頭が寒いとニット帽被ってるのに短パンとか、いつも遅れて来るのに花束持って現れるとか、方向音痴だとか、ベロンベロンに酔っ払って大の字で寝るとか(私の鞄を枕にするとか)、胸毛と背毛がモジャモジャで虫が捕まってるとか、思い出すと懐かしさでいっぱい。 もう会えないのが、ただただ淋しい。 #justmissingyou https://www.instagram.com/p/Bol892ahmhW/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=oxhxb15rrycx

On holidays, nesting, yoga, and belonging… a hodge podge no doubt Chatting with a good friend recently about the purposed “heteronormative dating world,” he reflected on the perhaps unprecedented or surprising number of tinder/bumble/dating site “matches” he received lately. Without trying to undermine the excitement of potential new mates, my cynism couldn’t help but suggest that this may be a response to the holiday season and the human desire to nest. I think there are two parts to this desire; the first, and most cynical, acknowledges that many people will be going home to family over the next weeks to months and like most single people are, will be faced with the inevitable questions of dating, settling down, and in less blunt terms, procreating. The other part, however, is that regardless of your situation and the amount of family you are surrounded by, the holidays can bring an incredible weight and loneliness. You wonder if you have shown enough love, if you have written someone off who needed you, if you have been as selfless as you should have and as grateful as possible in return. This holiday is overflowing with all of these sentiments within my blood and extended family. It has undoubtedly been a bear of a year for all of us. MY goal, and one I hope to share, is that we not let the loneliness and angst of the days to come interfere with our capacity to love and recognize the needs of our loved ones, past and present. This was all formulating in my head during the quiet time preceding yoga, my first class since a whirlwind travel season and minor shoulder injury. The class was full of energy and mantras I repeated to myself dozens of times in hopes of remembering them (to no avail, of course). The general theme was two-fold; the sense of belonging to a community or space and being accepted as you are without expectation of perfection and being thankful for the less obvious or the things just below the surface. These are my hopes for this year. With all of the movement and change, I hope to find peace in what is, accept the transformations of relationships and life as they come, and manage to support those around me as it happens. I know there was more I wanted to say but for now, “I miss you and I (hate that I) think I need you,” seems to cover it. Happy holidays. x

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