#justamom

In a few weeks my H.S. Reunion in my hometown over a thousand miles away will occur in a bowling ally near the High School. Was it a coincidence that I was planning on visiting my brother for his 21st birthday that week anyways? I feel like flaking on the event even though I remember a  lot of good times from then. Here are some of my internal issues:

a. Who let the dog out and farted all over her face? I am not as hot as I was then aka many pounds and many skin/hair problems later. The pregnancy weight stayed and I have continually added a few pounds a year  too. Also since when did my hair get so thin and brittle. A simple haircut does fix it like it used to and showing up with a ponytail is a no go! Luckily I am not graying yet nor do I have major winkles. If I watch what I eat carefully my adult acne will stay away too, but I cannot lose that much weight in a month.

b. I Wish I Were I Wish I Could. My career is not what I thought it would be, my dreams were  way beyond reasonable in high school. An aspiring artist is not a good dream for someone who has adapt to the 7am-10pm schedule. Staying up for 24 hours working on a painting when the itch hits, is not realistic for mom of a seven year old.

c. Love LIfe: Complicated. My relationship status is difficult to describe, baby daddy? or life partner? How do introduce my man? or does he even consider himself my man? If we were going to marry wouldn’t we have done it years ago? Nine years of my life dedicated to someone who has said in the past he doesn’t want to marry yet, I could not imagine my life without him.

d. Stigma and Prejudices. I am an unwed mother going to a very conservative hometown. Yep, even mom and dad think I should have been wedded before bedded (guess who’s the black sheep of 10 kids?). Lying to others about myself is not fun nor honorable; I just don’t want to disappoint mom and dad in front of their friends/family.

e. Nobody Home? None of my close H.S. friends are that close anymore, all moved away, seriously no one stayed. It’s not like Facebook chat is the same as hanging out every weekend for three years. It’s not like they respond to me promptly on Facebook either. It’s been weeks, but why can’t you just say yes or not to my questions? Are you showing up to the Reunion? Yes or No?

f. Temptations and First Love. I have particular issues with and individual who might or might not show up. Yep it was a boy who broke my heart, or was it I who broke his? Does drunk confessions work the same was as sober ones? Does asking for me to come over to his house so we can fuck when he is wasted the same as when I sit in agitation for him to choose the seat next to me everyday during second and eighth period. Was it a crush or was I falling in love? We took flirting to the very edge. We knew we were attracted to one another but he didn’t think I was good enough for him, and I thought he was too short for me. The moment he started chatting up girls and I heard about it, I bailed. I couldn’t be friends with my heart in pieces even though I never gave him an honest chance. I have seen him though the years when I visit and occasionally Facebook stalk him, but I have yet to say hi. I know the “us” is over, he has his family and I have mine. Still, deep inside, the what if’s get to me every once in a while. It would hurt to see him happy, I know I shouldn’t feel that way but I do.

g. Who is That Woman? I was a hipster before hipsters existed, I was so “like-whatever” about everything and now I am a soccer mom. When did the transformation begin? Who will believe I am that girl, the one who didn’t give a shit while making great grades. I was cool because i knew I was cool. Sky rocket self confidence as a teenager really leads people to believe in your bullshit. When you fall from the sky, you hit the ground harder than if you walked the steps.

h. Geez he lost all his Hair! OMG! did you know she was a Lesbian? Does wanting to see people just to judge them make me bad? Self doubt about my motives make me feel like a person with no morals. I want to observe whose body went to hell and back, who looks older than me, who wears a ton of makeup to cover an ugly face, who is fucking who, who want to fuck who, who will i talk to and who will want to talk to me. I thought I was better than how I reacted to the reunion invitation. Boy! am am I a vain and petty person (P.S. nothing wrong with being a lesbian or being bald).

I. Fake it till you Make 2am. I want to pull a Romy and Michele, but I know the internet will bust me in seconds. Come on, inventor of Post it? What should I be? Art Director of a make-believe Museum? Curator in the Smithsonian? Famous Artist? Nope! Nope! Nope! FAILED!

Just a...Just a... Just a Mom. I am just a mom who takes care of her family and deals with real life problems, like taxes, bills, decorating, housekeeping, home improvement, activities director, chef, social manager, and part time illustrator, who has a penchant for gaming and romance novels.