#just jesting

You close your eyes, and the world falls quiet.

You don’t remember when you got this close. Fyodor doesn’t let people get close. But you’re thankful. Because it’s in moments like this that the enigmatic man reveals a side of himself he seldom lets surface.

Your forehead rests against his. The space between you narrows until there is no space at all—just warmth, breath, and the tentative, shared rhythm of two heartbeats gradually finding each other. His breath brushes yours in soft intervals, unsteady but present. Yours slows to meet it, like a hand reaching out in the dark.

You're both suspended in a half embrace. One hand cradles his cheek, thumb resting just beneath the ridge of his eye, while his fingers remain folded gently around your other. You feel him—not just in the warmth of his palm or the still air; but in the way he allows himself to soften, just a little.

Then, you move.

Not away. Not toward.

Just... close.

A subtle tilt of your head, so small it barely registers, and your nose grazes his. A quiet nudge. A soft affection. Up. Down. Side to side. The movement is gentle, slow, repeating with no urgency. Again and again. It's nothing and everything.

There was no pretense here, no performance. Just a slowness so profound it seems to still time itself. It was not even meant to mean anything in the way words mean things.

It simply was.

A gesture older than language. Older than understanding. The kind of touch animals share in quiet corners of the world, when they know each other—truly know each other. The kind that says: I’m here. I’m not a threat. I see you. You’re mine, and I am yours, in this shared breath moment.

This isn’t human affection—not really. It’s not polished or practiced. It’s something sacred in its unthinking purity, like your body remembers how to love this way even when your mind forgets. Not out of longing or need, but trust. Trust so deep it no longer needs to be named.

And Fyodor, he doesn’t flinch. Doesn’t tense.

He lets it happen.

It’s a small thing. That soft nuzzle of bone against bone, skin against skin, repeating in a rhythm that defies time. But between you, it feels holy.

And Fyodor breathes.

A soundless exhale, felt more than heard. His features soften beneath your touch. For once, there’s no barrier—no strategy, no calculation, not even the veil of holy detachment he wears like a second skin. Just him.

He doesn’t lean in. He just... meets you there. Willingly. And you can feel the faint tremble in his fingers. But still, he doesn’t pull away. Instead, his eyes drift shut—lashes brushing the curve of your cheek.

Brow to brow. Nose to nose. The silence stretches—sacred.

Each brush of your nose against his, each breath you share, forms a steady pulse outside your bodies. Your thumb keeps moving on his cheek, and Fyodor feels it like a prayer. Not a plea. Not a confession. Just: stay.

And he does.

His body stays—now yielding. He surrenders; not in defeat, nor submission, but in something far rarer: trust. Trust in you. It was a currency he's hardly known how to earn, let alone spend freely. It's foreign to him, like holding light in his hands without pulling back. Like believing it won’t burn. Like believing you won’t.

Then... you kiss his cheek. So close to the corner of his mouth that your lips catch the shadow of it. He still doesn’t flinch. He exhales—a long, shaky breath—as though something inside him has finally been given permission to unfurl.

Your kiss lands so soft, weightless. Like a memory he can’t believe is true. Safety. Sanctuary.

You’re not just touching him. You’re teaching him. That he can receive without earning it. That affection doesn’t have to be transactional. That softness can be strength.

You could stay like this forever. You might.

Your forehead slips to the curve of his cheek. Your nose nestles beneath his jaw, where his pulse beats—strong but uneven. Your thumb keeps moving, not out of comfort now, but instinct. You're not lingering because you’re afraid to move. You’re resting. Trusting the quiet. Trusting him back.

And that trust undoes him more than anything else could.

He doesn’t know how to breathe in a silence that doesn’t punish. But he’s trying.

Your hand drifts from his cheek to the space between his shoulder blades; that quiet valley where wings might’ve grown, had he ever allowed himself to fly for something other than retribution. You rest your palm there, holding the shape of him.

For a moment, he stiffens. His hand tightening around yours.

It’s the kind of tension that blooms when you’re held too gently—when your body doesn’t know how to receive something it was never taught to expect: kindness.

Then, he exhales.

Long. Deep. As if for the first time, his lungs are no longer trying to protect him from the air.

He shifts so slowly you almost miss it. His lips part near your temple, but he doesn’t kiss you. Not yet. Then, his free hand inches to your waist, just to remain.

Because he knows what you’re giving him is delicate. Holy.

You've become the stillness now.

And in this quiet—cradled between each other’s arms—you hold him in your presence, and he holds you in his. Not with demand. Not with expectation. But with listening. With acceptance.

Fyodor has known empathy as a weapon. Silence as judgment, or as isolation cloaked in piety. But this, this is silence as grace.

Your fingers flex, just slightly, at his back. He doesn’t move away. If anything—he leans into it now.

And that’s what breaks you open in return.

Because he chose this. Not just to be touched. But to be seen. To let himself be witnessed where he is most human. Vulnerable. Easy to wound.

And you don’t ask anything of him.

So, he breathes.

And for a long while, that’s all he does. Breathes like he’s learning how again. Like he’s being born into softness for the first time.

His weight shifts, minutely, but it’s enough. Setting into your embrace like he was meant to be there.

Then—

“I don’t want to be anything more than this right now,” he whispers. The words fall close, low and raw. It’s the closest he’s come to saying he loves you.

No mask. No sermon. Just a man—your man—letting himself be held.

A beat.

Then, almost imperceptibly, his lips brush your hairline.

Not quite a kiss. But not quite not.

Thank you, it says. Not in language—but in reverence.

You feel his breath again. Still uneven. Still learning.

But it’s yours now. Shared.

His cheek presses more firmly to yours. His hand at your waist settles without urgency.

And you know, without him saying it...

He’s here.

Completely.

With you.

Dividers: saradika-graphics

A/N: For everyone who read 'Gramen ante falcem' and was emotionally eviscerated… consider this piece my official apology.