#jumbledmess

So the last few days have been...chaotic, as the title suggests. haha

I am just exhausted. My love got sick (a sinus infection, or a head cold, idk) and then he worked himself into a very scary heat exhaustion last wednesday. I thought I would need to take him to the emergency room, he didn’t sleep wednesday night, or most of thursday, more than an hour at a time because of how bad his cramps were, and he couldn’t keep any fluids down. Now think about this....every guy I have ever known ever is the most dramatic person when they are sick. To mine, it is the end of the world, he’s dying, he’s never going to get better. But he won’t take any medicine unless I force feed it to him basically (only in drastic situations) and he won’t do anything to alleviate the pain till it may not help anymore. SO MUCH DRAMA! lol He’s mostly feeling better, but now I am sick. And for some reason, feeling hormonal when I shouldn’t. So I am trying to keep my attitude and temper in check.

But I am stressed, and that makes me sleep badly. It makes my body hurt more than anything sometimes, just the tension and the soreness. The way it makes my stomach and head feel. Add the drama, and being sleep deprived, and the hormones, and not eating much because I don’t have much of an appetite, and I just feel kind of like I am falling apart with a smile on my face. Because nobody wants to talk to someone who only wants to complain. But I want to, because I never get to. Because when I do, I am disregarded. I am expected to just get over it, move on, keep going, power through. It’s hard. When I do, I get interrupted mid-sentence, or ignored, or they act like it is irrelevant.

“Have you ever had someone you’d least expect mean the world to you, but now is like a drug you beg to use over and over? Do you ever feel the jitters in your stomach every time you hear their name or when you catch a glimpse of them? How can a beat of a heart suddenly skip for someone who once meant nothing to you, but suddenly becomes the air you breathe?”

I knew this doesn’t work for me. I always know that feelings grow every time you deny them but then, I also know that I can kill them with a session or two of drinking forties or whatever from a liquor store. I probably have practiced the art of the “gate control theory” of pain; because, I had always diverted the pain of withdrawing myself from love without even getting the slightest grip of it yet. But every once in a while, I always ask myself why I crave for love yet fear it? But I will deny it as I had denied it before because I have fears; but can you enlighten me?

This thing locked beneath the rib cages of my chest didn’t seem to have gaps nor spaces for anything nor for anyone. But now, I could feel it slowly uncovering and forming into empty spaces because once you had settled in, once you’d let yourself in even if the chances were narrow; you let yourself disappear when I didn’t match your puzzle pieces with the right ones. You would lose interest because I have fears; and these fears strongly carry the thought of being left, being thought of otherwise. I let my fears get in the way and I hate myself for letting it run over me and to what might be.

I wish I knew how love works so I could return the love that is given to me. I wish I knew how to put my emotions firmly in to the “I - love - yous” that begs to be exchanged. I wish I knew how to rest my arms on your shoulders without wandering what you were thinking. I wish I hadn’t turned my heart to stone so I would know when love demands to be felt. I got hurt; but do you understand?

I beg for these spaces to be filled by your existence; to be patched by the right gestures; to be sung the right tune; and to be spoken of the right words. I'm scared because people always meet me halfway, but don't go all the way. They always lead me into believing that they’d catch me; however, I find myself on the ground. I had to pick up the pieces and pretend nothing was wrong. Now can you tell me; will it be different this time?

You cause me to feel emotions that no one else can ever bring out in me--  new type of anger and sadness and pain. I'm not being fair to you and you're not being fair to me. You only see it as painful for you, but you don't even know the beginning of it. You believe it to be one sided but if you only knew how much I really love you. You haunt me in my dreams and my everyday life. If only I could realize how beautiful I could be with you. But then logic kicks in and I start to think about it. What if we don't work out? What if I lose you? We only argue and stay in a battle with each other. I'm afraid of love. I will only ever dream of life being easier on me. My heart and mind are but a jumbled mess. And you are loyal to who you're with. When it all boils down to it the reality is there-- I am afraid of loving you because I cannot bear losing you. You mean too much to me to ruin what we have. If only you could understand. Even this stream of conscience doesn't flow smoothly. Neither does my heart when it comes to you.