Riding the Waves in my Mind

I haven’t posted anything in quite some time it feels like. I get incredibly wrapped up in the goings on of my own life, and I get myself trapped inside my own head. It’s not really a place I like being for too long, and the problem is, I don’t know how to get out when it gets this bad. I have had insomnia for weeks, and I think it is getting better, but I am EXHAUSTED all the time. I feel like i can’t get enough sleep, but no matter what i do when i lay down, i take forever to fall asleep, because i just can’t stop my thoughts from jumping around. For my fiance, like a lot of people, when he can’t sleep because of his racing thoughts, it’s because they are bad, they are memories and thoughts from the past eating away at him bit by bit by bit. But for me, it’s not usually like that. Sure, sometimes, but mostly it’s just a constant stream of thoughts, with little to no connection between ideas and memories. Sometimes my racing mind is racing, because i am trying to track down my thought process, how i got from point A to point B the way that i did. And then i spend hours just laying there wishing i could fall asleep. That the aches in my muscles will ease, and my physical fatigue will fade long enough for me to get comfortable and fall asleep.

I have also been thinking a lot about the things that make me so anxious constantly, versus the big trigger things that cause an attack. The general anxiety can be so much worse than an anxiety or panic attack, because it is wearing down my body like nothing else. The stress could be killing me, and i wouldn’t know because i can’t seem to make it to a doctor.

I have an incredible fear i think, of not being in control. And on the other side of that coin, I fear being the ultimate decision maker as well. I want to be a leader, but i doubt myself, my intelligence, my resolve, my experience, my confidence...I don’t know how to reconcile my internal differences. I know everyone is kind of a study in contrasts, but is it always as extreme as my internal differences are. I literally feel like 2 different people are living in my body, but i don’t have split personalities or anything (that i’m aware of ;) haha lol). I just want to know who i am. I don’t want to feel like a child living in an adults world. I feel like i am equally as irresponsible as i am responsible.

I have an alarmingly huge fear of loss. and falling, doesn’t matter if its a two little drop, my heart freezes in my chest, it feels like it squeezes so tight and i can’t breath. I am NOT afraid of heights though, just that sensation of falling. Maybe it’s an overload of adrenaline? Who knows. It feels like my anxiety but kicked up by like 1000. And i’m not sure i have a fear of being alone per se, but i am not fond of it. But i AM afraid of being used again, of letting myself be naive, and falling for someones tricks, loving them for themselves, and then finding out they were lying to me, or that they don’t really care about me at all. I know in this world everyone is out for themselves, and you have to take care of yourself first supposedly, but i don’t work that way. In thoughts, or actions. And i can’t be the only one like me. There have to be other people in the world that CARE what happens to other people. And i don’t mean always in the general “i want world peace” kind of way, but....like with anything else, it’s the small things. Not always the big life changing things. I hear people say all the time its the little things that matter, but the thing is that nobody really acts that way. And in my own life, the people that i know and love, everything is so dramatic, every small thing that means NOTHING to anybody else seems like a life changing event for a little while. I have such a struggle riding the middle lane, because everything about me is so extreme. I feel everything so strongly, and my emotions cause very physical reactions. I get sick a lot and my stomach is just near about CONSTANTLY in knots. My muscles are so tight that i can’t breath normal, and haven’t since i was about 15 or 16. I was given an inhaler when i first found out, and it helped, but i haven’t had one since, and i am wondering if it would help now.

I have been thinking about going to the doctor soon, since i have insurance now, but i think i am going to wait until the new year to go, so i can spend the little spending money i have on christmas presents for my family.

I feel really jittery today. I have a lot on my mind, and even though i got to stay home this weekend, it seemed like a long weekend, and I am really tired. I feel jittery, like i have way too much adrenaline running through my veins. I’m bouncing out of my seat at work almost....My heart feels ready to beat out of my chest. I don’t feel good. I am sort of talking to my online therapist, but just right now, i don’t feel right, i don’t feel good, and i am having a hard time getting myself mentally on track.

So the last few days have been...chaotic, as the title suggests. haha

I am just exhausted. My love got sick (a sinus infection, or a head cold, idk) and then he worked himself into a very scary heat exhaustion last wednesday. I thought I would need to take him to the emergency room, he didn’t sleep wednesday night, or most of thursday, more than an hour at a time because of how bad his cramps were, and he couldn’t keep any fluids down. Now think about this....every guy I have ever known ever is the most dramatic person when they are sick. To mine, it is the end of the world, he’s dying, he’s never going to get better. But he won’t take any medicine unless I force feed it to him basically (only in drastic situations) and he won’t do anything to alleviate the pain till it may not help anymore. SO MUCH DRAMA! lol He’s mostly feeling better, but now I am sick. And for some reason, feeling hormonal when I shouldn’t. So I am trying to keep my attitude and temper in check.

But I am stressed, and that makes me sleep badly. It makes my body hurt more than anything sometimes, just the tension and the soreness. The way it makes my stomach and head feel. Add the drama, and being sleep deprived, and the hormones, and not eating much because I don’t have much of an appetite, and I just feel kind of like I am falling apart with a smile on my face. Because nobody wants to talk to someone who only wants to complain. But I want to, because I never get to. Because when I do, I am disregarded. I am expected to just get over it, move on, keep going, power through. It’s hard. When I do, I get interrupted mid-sentence, or ignored, or they act like it is irrelevant.

This is my first bad day since I decided to start blogging.

I am...exhausted, to say the least. I feel like I've been on a complete roller coaster of emotion in the last few days, and I don't really know why. Add to that a sick fiance (and what man doesn't think he's dying when he's sick?) Who gave himself heat exhaustion, and I'm worried as all get out.

I just thought i would share really quick some of the things that make me feel better, some coping tricks if you will, to make my mind at ease. So the flow of adrenaline slows and dissipates, and I can think like a normal person once again.

I used to hate cleaning my house when I was young and my mother wanted us to do chores. Who didn’t? But now, I find that if I turn on my favorite Disney jams, and sing my heart out while I unload my dishwasher or fold/hang and put away my laundry, I almost feel like I was never anxious. Almost. There’s something soothing about making my space be exactly what i want it to be. It is the only thing in my life i control completely, and when nothing else works, I know I can come home and clean, organize, declutter.

A lot of people do experience anxiety on a regular basis. A lot more people only experience it occasionally. A lot of the symptoms are the same, but some vary from situation to situation, and from person to person.

Mine feels like waves in the ocean. Sometimes they are calm, small little swells, kicked up by a light breeze. Just a general paranoia in the back of my mind, that something is not quite right (even if there is LITERALLY nothing going on around me or in my life at that particular moment in time.) Sometimes, it’s like a raging storm, where the wind and the rain whip up the waves to such ferocity and height that I can’t catch my breath, I can’t surface above the water, and when I try to swim, I can hardly tell which way is up. But I am not in a physical ocean. Not being able to catch my breath is actually a tightness in my chest and back muscles that keeps me from breathing normally. When everything becomes overwhelming, all of the different things in my life that pull me in a thousand different directions, all of the different things i need to do, to catch up on, all of the people i feel like i am letting down...It’s like when the waves crash into me at first, it isn’t that bad. But the more i try to fight them, the deeper i go. And the deeper i go into my mind, to the place where all of the things i keep at bay that upset me are hiding. Its terrifying and i feel like i am drowning in my mind.

I called this riding the waves, because i feel like i just need to learn how to ride the waves, the swells of anxiety and fear and depression. The OCD, the bipolar mood swings, the empathetic energy that causes my moods to change depending on who i am around and what they are feeling. Its such a difficult task, and it feels almost like a chore i never wanted to do.

Anxiety physically feels like hell. The shortness of breath i experience becuase i can’t inhale deeply, because my muscles are so tight in my shoulders and chest; the adrenaline that initially rushes from my heart down my arm and to the palms of my hands, making them feel tingly, achy, numb, and shaky; the jittery, restless feeling that comes over me telling me i need to run away; the upset stomach telling me i need to pee or throw up or whatever else; the panic that sometimes happens that makes my vision get spotty and i get cold sweats just sitting there; the fear that this feeling is never going to go away, even though it always does eventually.

The stigma that surrounds anxiety for some reason is awful, because so many people just don’t understand what it’s like. Because people want to tell me to just “calm down” and if that worked, then anxiety wouldn’t have to be a thing people overcome. I have been afraid my whole life of talking to anybody about the way that i feel about things. And there has always been something of this in me, as far back as i can remember.

My name is Amber, I am 24, and I want to use this blog as an active way to control my anxiety among other things. I want anyone who wants to know what I’m thinking or feeling or doing to be able to look here, and see what I am so unable to explain to another person, no matter how hard I try.

I am engaged to a wonderful man named Alan, and we have been together just around or over a year and a half. Nobody in the world pushes my buttons more it feels like, but nobody else in the world makes me as happy, content, and excited as he does. My family is everything to me, even though I am terrible at showing them what they mean to me. I have made people who are important to me think I don’t care about them, and it’s because I can’t overcome my fears and feelings. I can’t express what i want in a way that makes sense to someone else. I don’t want to do that to anyone anymore.

There are a lot of things i want to accomplish, and so I am going to try to have themed posts, where I am working towards a specific goal, not just a general “get over it, feel better” kind of thing.

Right now, my focus is overcoming my social anxiety. I am going to make a post about that, and follow up. I hope that if anyone does read my blog, that it helps and inspires them to try out their own growth and ideas for being more mentally healthy.