#juli-writes

She was thrown the responsibility of humanity in the midst of an apocalypse. The responsibility fell onto her out of nowhere, but what amazed me was that she simply accepted it without opposing it, despite the mountainous weight on her shoulder.

She was talented, gifted with a beautiful mind. She pulled herself in control always when the world wanted to pull her apart. And despite the threat of losing her daughter, her mind never flail in her responsibility towards humanity. I'm not saying this is a good thing, or a bad thing. I just think that proves how steadfast she is.

She was always looking out for the greater good and she uses math and logic for it. She kept herself moving. She kept making hard choices and sacrifices. She kept herself so in control, I wonder is she ever felt a sense of anxiety and how does that look like for her.

She was ruthless in her method but it was for selfless reasons. When she thought she lost her daughter, she could have given up on humanity and let them fall into their own hell. Life was cruel to her, she could be cruel back. But she didn't, she kept trying to preserve life. She is selfless to the core and will change her mind, even when her methods prove wrong, willingly compromise with Layton when necessary. Humanity and greater good was always on her mind first. Unlike Wilford, who would calculate how this work to his advantage. Her methods are ruthless but that is simply because they were thrown into a ruthless situation. Her soul isn't.

Also, she isn't a nerdy weak kid. She's nerdy but steadfast with lots of willpower. She never gave up. She kept trying. She don't let herself fall into a state of hopelessness or despair.

"One who knows how to be content with what they have is always happy."

This Chinese proverb stuck with me more than the others during my high school Chinese Language class. There was even an essay i wrote on this proverb, which had gotten me to the top class.

When I was assigned an essay on this proverb, there were these nagging questions in my mind. Should I just be happy with what I have? If I do so, would it stop me from achieving more? Do I go for more or be content? At 14, I was torn.

It's been over a decade and here's my answer for that 14 year old girl.

Be content with what you have, but it doesn't mean that blessing won't come your way. It's about the attitude or keeping the good light inside you alive. Gratitude is about seeing with your heart and appreciating the things that are really important. Wanting is simply a well of insecurity that desires but is never satisfy. To conquer the feelings of desire, remember to simply be grateful and have hope about where Life leads.

Contentment doesn't mean be idle. It can also mean being happy doing what you are doing, don't do things with resentment. Often I would do my chores self-righteously alongside a tinge of hatred as well.

Be active while content, even in the face of things that scare you, especially while facing it. Always do what you feel is morally right. You can still be content but also show up for your responsibility in human improvement.

It's also more than a wishy washy fairytale rainbow positivity picture. Life is short. We're mortal beings briefly alive on this earth. The world is full of tragedies but it is also full of small beautiful opportunities of happiness --- and love, especially love. Those little things are worth being alive for.

A lot can happen unexpectedly. Life is full of surprises --- good and bad. You can lose things or people in a snap. What matters is how much you love them at that moment. Don't strangle them, but remember where love is.

Nothing is perfect. You don't look like a model. You don't have a perfect body. Who cares? You have the capacity to love. I'm not talking in a Sunday-school kid all shiny and positive and perfect. I'm talking about a true act of kindness, like ex-addicts turning over a new leaf helping the neighbourhood kid, not the kid who acts all kind because it was a popular thing to do or the politican who is nice to simply gain votes. Whatever it is, I promise in all that is what matters. Those are the things we need to open our eyes and heart to.

And remember, in Nicholas Sparks' A Walk To Remember, Landon told Jamie's dad: - I'm sorry she never got her miracle. - You were her miracle.

So, be grateful for life , because we are surrounded by blessings, and open your eyes and heart to what is truly important.

*continuation from part 1, a epilogue I guess (x)

There is an irony in society. People avoid being too different, hence avoid being themselves, and so the spirit wanes and wonder if it'll fade among the thousands of similar faces.

Will someone come and love me and show me the thing that makes me 'me'? Is it our job to help others see it? Is it our responsibility as sentient spiritual beings to help another? I don't know.

Some days, saying 'I love you' is too easy, too empty, too bland. Listen to their hearts, open your mind to their ways that you disagree with or oppose to and just see them as being them. See someone as they are more than some concept. Because Nick Cave says,

"Love says softly — I see you. I recognise you. You are human, as am I." --- from The Red Hand Files Issue #103, full quote (x)

Rebecca Solnit said once, something of the like: you're not transforming to be an ideal self of ideal beauty, ideal brains or such, you're transforming to be your truest self.

I don't know the answer. I don't think I can find it. I'm not sure who this me is.

But maybe, I'll start listening to people and see if I can find who they are, a bit more than what I had taken for granted for.

And maybe, I'll start making better choices in life, better choices for my heart, have faith, have faith always, a crucial note to self.

Don't focus too much on anxiety or what-if's disaster. Focus on the good things you can do to, for what is right, to take care of yourself. The world ends for different reasons, life ends for different reasons, don't fear the end. What you should focus on is keeping your heart open and surrender and live life. Have fun trying to be good and have fun making mistakes.

My most pronounced memory of candles are in church. I'm not religious now, but there's no need to erase and hate the religious past. Humans still hope in different ways.

There was an altar for St. Jude, the patron saint of desperate cases and lost causes, with rows and rows of votive candles. It was a beautiful small space with stoned wall beside a makeshift pond with koi fishes. The pond was always a place for children in my mind.

For every candle I lit, my father gave me a dollar to put in the donation box. As children were usually excited and enthused by the simplest of things, lighting the candles were my favourite thing to do for barely any good reason other than to watch a candle light up beautifully. I also saw the candles as a wishing routine. What do I know about grown-ups desperate need for hope when as a child possibilities of the world are limitless and we have not learn yet of the world's violence?

Prayers are an act of desperation. Candles were the wishing wells of comfort. It is simple as that in my childish mind. I don't know about the need of hope yet. I didn't know people stay children at heart but as they grow up they were given adult responsibilities that they focus on, but remove that and you see the silliness --- the child within --- of an adult.

Some people pray out of greed or egoistic intention. The most earnest of prayers are the ones searching for comfort and hope and needs no words for the heart has broken apart and the pain and desperation screams in every beat. Maybe we have to stand in front of a candle and let our hearts scream until there is no more. Maybe we need to remove ourselves from the noise and stand in front of the candle, but really just stand on our own and with ourselves to hear the earnest cries of our heart.

I'm looking for hope, a proper form of hope, not the poets telling me that spring is coming or someone telling me miracles exists in little things. I'm looking for a hope that is mine and that I will recognize, in contrast against the shadows in my mind, to contrast specifically towards my shadow. The poet's hope nowadays don't fit, they fit another's shadow.

If I burn a candle, would something come and save me?

series tag (x)

*a draft

A random list of small moments of love: (these are the lights you should hold on to against the dark vast Chaos)

My uncle's uncharacteristic hug at the airport

My aunt covering my sleeping body with a makeshift blanket (a jacket)

My puppy knew when I was sad and came to comfort me

My brother going into the classical art store with me, wants to help me assemble the puzzle

the kindness of the truck guy (A random person's kindness when I'm in dire need)

Harry Potter card-sticker competition with mom

Disney on Ice tickets from Dad

So what now? Just do your best and believe in something good. And when the bad days come, threatening to break your spirit, hold on to these, and do good or rest well (take what you need).

The miracle was that Landon loved Jamie so much he changed for the better. He saved himself and mostly others.

A miracle is a person who turned his Life around. A miracle is being able to inspire someone to turn their life around.

Jamie is gone. People don't have to die to be gone. But we make sure that we keep the best of them inside us.

In dedication to H. Santos, who convinced me to come out of my socially-anxious shell.

I think it's important to remember to carefully choose an art piece you consume. Don't do it purely for the sake of an aesthetic or a popular trend. If you don't know where to start, getting a few ideas from aesthetics or trend are fine. But to properly finish a book and contemplate it and consume it is time-consuming and, at the same time, you are choosing an art piece that would change who you are on the inside.

How to choose your consumption? Understand what you need or what are the topics you wish to expand your mind. Read the one that seems most urgent, most beneficial to you. Remember to try new genres every once in a while. Stick it through the end, because you might be surprise to see yourself overcome a certain prejudice.

Of course, you wouldn't really know where the book leads you, sometimes to disappointment. And I'm not shaming those feel-good sort of entertainment.

What I'm saying is you have a limited time on Earth, don't do it randomly, or for an aesthetic sense. Simply ask yourself, what do I need right now.

leave a little kindness

What I'm currently reading is The Literature Book: Big Ideas Simply Explained by James Canton and it open my eyes to how to approach classic literature, how to ponder on the moral dilemmas human face, how literature is more than just a story or an aesthetic. I'm from an Southeast Asian country where I learnt English as a second language from kindergarten up to high school. This is going to change every next literary pieces I encounter. I was used to reading not to ponder but to entertain myself.