#judahfthacker

From caringbridge Journal entry by Wendi Thacker — Apr 17, 2018

Judah and I went to ETCH this morning for his 1st off-week clinic check. It was an easy appt and with the Emla Cream, Judah didn't even feel it when the nurse accessed his port! Oncology nurses are really good at sticks and Judah told her so! "That was way better than the other night that the ER. You are really good at that."

His labs looked good so he will be having his 2nd Chemo next Thursday.

As we were waiting for his labs to come back, I thought about how amazing the nurses, Drs, and clinic is there at ETCH. Judah said, as we entered our patient room, "wow this room is very relaxing! I like it". The nurse that accessed him was friendly and sweet. She joked with him that she could help with whatever he needed as long as it wasn't his Math homework, haha. Judah's oncologist Dr. Spiller, is just so good at what she does and really made an effort to connect with Judah and with me. We felt cared about and heard and loved. And when your kid is starting a year long chemo, those are the feelings you want to have! I am so very grateful to have ETCH Hem/Onc taking care of Judah!

I'm guessing all the the positivity we had today was making up for all the negativity we had yesterday. Judah was in a foul mood yesterday. It didn't start off great because I am not the best at morning time anythings... I woke up, made breakfast, packed lunches, got dressed and felt like I was crushing it. And then Judah says, "Mom, we are supposed to be at school in 2 minutes. We are gonna be really late." UGH! I'm telling you guys, I never remember just how much Matthew helps out in the mornings until he isn't here. I just do not function well before 2 cups of coffee. So we were late. Like 15 minutes late. And Judah HATES being late. He was sitting in the back seat, saying, "I have a math test today and it usually starts right after devotion. If I miss the beginning of the math test, I won't be able to finish it on time." I do my best to reassure him, telling him that the joy of part-time homeschooling is that he can finish his test anytime. I tell him it's not a big deal. But he isn't having it.

We get to school, I walk them into class and remind Judah's teacher that I will be back in an hr to take him to cancer counseling. But when I got to school to get him, he was on the verge of tears. I asked him what was wrong. Can you guess?? "I didn't finish my math test Momma!" He was full blown crying now. And I was so thankful we were on the way to counseling. I knew Judah needed time with Dr. Reno and that she was really good at getting him to talk about whatever was eating him up inside. But 30 minutes in, his counselor ended the session at his request. He wouldn't talk to her. He wouldn't look at her. He cried/tried not to cry and shrugged his shoulders with every attempt to communicate. Finally she asked him if he wanted to end early and go back to school and he said yes.

After I spoke to his counselor for a few minutes about some tools Matthew and I can use to talk about Judah's cancer, we left. He was very emotional on the way to the car and even yelled at me. "I asked you not to talk about my cancer so much and you said you wouldn't, but that's all you talk about anymore!" I was at this point that I realized my sweet Judah was not dealing with his cancer diagnosis well at all. I tried to explain to him that when I said that, it was when his tumor wasn't growing. Now that it is growing again, I had to talk about it some. He just looked at me with frustration. He didn't speak to me again until we were all the way through the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru line -- at 11:30. If you've ever been there at lunch time, you know he was silent for like 20 minutes! When he finally talked to me again, he said, "will you please take me to school now?"

Guys, Judah and I have been doing cancer counseling and lunch dates every 2 wks for almost 4 yrs and it has always been a joy. But I think, maybe, that time is over for now. Cancer at 4-5 yrs old was hard. Watching Judah go through all that and him not be able to understand why was excruciating. I think cancer at 9-10 is going to be a whole lot harder though. He knows what's going on. He gets it enough to be angry and dread every conversation. He is struggling. He is hurting. Let me tell you, not being able to help him is tearing me apart.

A friend sent me a verse last night,

Isaiah 40:28-29

28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary;

his understanding is unsearchable.

29 He gives power to the faint,

and to him who has no might he increases strength.

Y'all-this was just delivered from Judah's school, Oak Grove Cooperative! They are the most loving, "hands and feet of Jesus" organization/school we have ever been a part of. They don't just pray and cry with us (though they have done that too!) They are showing ACTIVE love and support how they can.

Not only did they give us the gift card tree for clinic days and "Judah won't eat anything but Chick-fil-A" days, but they also are doing a matching fundraiser!

This is not your typical school. This school is run by people who LOVE Jesus and take care of their community. They help us parents homeschool well and, on school days, they teach our kids with both progress and pace in mind. Choosing to send Judah there 2 yrs ago was the best educational decision we've ever made! We will be forever grateful to them for allowing Judah (and now Camilla Kate) to love and feel loved by their school.

The Sunday after we found out Judah's tumor was growing again, we went to church. There were many who didn't understand WHY we would want to go, knowing we would have to answer the questions:

How are you guys?

How's Judah?

I knew those questions would be hard and that I couldn't even really answer them and that our people loved us and would hold us close. I also knew I needed to worship.

Worship music is my path to Jesus' feet. Without it church is very difficult for me. Matthew knows that about me. So we went. The music was on point and I was singing and communing the way I was longing to. And then the band played, what was a new song to me, Reckless Love by Cory Asbury.

Guys, let me just tell you, my body reacted before I knew in my heart what was happening. Viscerally. And I was overcome. As the words washed over me, Matthew holding me up, I gave up the pretense that I could do ANYTHING without Jesus. Hardly present, ugly crying all over Matthew's dress shirt, I felt an ASSURANCE.

Don't misunderstand me. There was no Godly promise that Judah would be ok. Or that Matthew and I would be the rock Judah needed. The assurance was that Jesus knows my sorrow, my fears, my anger. And He loves me. Assurance that He knows Judah's fears, his anger. And He loves Judah. In fact, Jesus loves Judah more than I do. And that love leaves the ninety-nine for the one. It gives new mercies every morning. It is free and undeserved. It is faithful and endures forever.

And that is the love that will hold me- and Matthew, Judah, Camilla Kate, Emmett and everyone of the sheep of His pasture. That is His promise. No matter what.

--

Reckless Love (chorus/bridge):

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God.

Oh, it chases me down

Fights til I'm found

Leaves the ninety-nine

I couldn't earn it and I don't deserve it

Still You give yourself away.

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

There's no shadow You won't light up

Mountain You won't climb up

Comin' after me

There's no wall You won't kick down

Lie you won't tear down

There is a heaviness that sits over a chemo clinic. I had forgotten that tight chested, woozy-headed, rapid-heart beat feeling that comes with seeing, not only your own child but a room full of really sick kids, doing one of the hardest things we can do as humans -- fighting for the right to live. That feeling is pretty wretched. Seeing and being helpless.

Judah was a warrior today. It began with labs at 9am. After everything came back normal, we picked a spot and settled in for a long morning. He ate and drank everything we could throw at him and ask for more! He was very tired but refused to sleep...he's very stubborn😏 The only real frustratation came when his feet and hands began cramping. But with flexing, moving, and water it passed.

After 3 hrs of chemo, he got flushed and deaccessed and we were free!

He's still fighting sleep but I think the car ride home will over power him 😂

As we sit here, in the surgery waiting area at Vanderbilt, I cannot help but think of the last time we were here. Waiting again, but that time it was to see our sweet Judah's face after his brain tumor resection surgery. We didn't want to return to this place, discover our son's tumor was growing, and face the horrible events from his 1st surgery. We prayed hard for no growth and then if it had to grow, please don't make Judah have to go through brain surgery again. Please. Please don't let him have to learn to walk and talk again. And I am overcome with gratitude to my God that we are not going through that again!

Instead, perhaps as a small mercy, we are sitting, surrounded by excited and scared little faces, waiting for a much smaller surgery so we can begin this fight again with chemotherapy. John Piper says, it's 'a grace given in the circle of a grace denied'.