#brainstemtumor

The Sunday after we found out Judah's tumor was growing again, we went to church. There were many who didn't understand WHY we would want to go, knowing we would have to answer the questions:

How are you guys?

How's Judah?

I knew those questions would be hard and that I couldn't even really answer them and that our people loved us and would hold us close. I also knew I needed to worship.

Worship music is my path to Jesus' feet. Without it church is very difficult for me. Matthew knows that about me. So we went. The music was on point and I was singing and communing the way I was longing to. And then the band played, what was a new song to me, Reckless Love by Cory Asbury.

Guys, let me just tell you, my body reacted before I knew in my heart what was happening. Viscerally. And I was overcome. As the words washed over me, Matthew holding me up, I gave up the pretense that I could do ANYTHING without Jesus. Hardly present, ugly crying all over Matthew's dress shirt, I felt an ASSURANCE.

Don't misunderstand me. There was no Godly promise that Judah would be ok. Or that Matthew and I would be the rock Judah needed. The assurance was that Jesus knows my sorrow, my fears, my anger. And He loves me. Assurance that He knows Judah's fears, his anger. And He loves Judah. In fact, Jesus loves Judah more than I do. And that love leaves the ninety-nine for the one. It gives new mercies every morning. It is free and undeserved. It is faithful and endures forever.

And that is the love that will hold me- and Matthew, Judah, Camilla Kate, Emmett and everyone of the sheep of His pasture. That is His promise. No matter what.

--

Reckless Love (chorus/bridge):

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God.

Oh, it chases me down

Fights til I'm found

Leaves the ninety-nine

I couldn't earn it and I don't deserve it

Still You give yourself away.

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

There's no shadow You won't light up

Mountain You won't climb up

Comin' after me

There's no wall You won't kick down

Lie you won't tear down

This day didn’t start of very good. Judah woke angry and mean. He said some pretty mean things to Cricket. He sulked and grumbled and finally apologized and then cried. Those who know him know that these massive mood swings and mean-spiritedness is atypical. – He refused to do any school work. Then I found him asleep on the couch. *insert guilty Momma feelings*

Thankfully, he woke happier and kinder. So now, of I can get him to focus for 30 minutes, maybe we can get some backlog math done.

There is a heaviness that sits over a chemo clinic. I had forgotten that tight chested, woozy-headed, rapid-heart beat feeling that comes with seeing, not only your own child but a room full of really sick kids, doing one of the hardest things we can do as humans -- fighting for the right to live. That feeling is pretty wretched. Seeing and being helpless.

Judah was a warrior today. It began with labs at 9am. After everything came back normal, we picked a spot and settled in for a long morning. He ate and drank everything we could throw at him and ask for more! He was very tired but refused to sleep...he's very stubborn😏 The only real frustratation came when his feet and hands began cramping. But with flexing, moving, and water it passed.

After 3 hrs of chemo, he got flushed and deaccessed and we were free!

He's still fighting sleep but I think the car ride home will over power him 😂