#jrmcwilliam

That the purpose of this life

Is to simply enjoy it.

Now I wonder

If I can believe that again

And try to do just that.

I cant figure out why

I cried and cried and cried

You're gone, I said goodbye

She lays there

Without your stare

But I'm here to care

For her eternal outerwear.

Where did you go

Only we know

As we look to the moon lit glow

Here is that fateful undertow.

I will always love you.

Who are you today

Asked the clouds.

Are you the same as you were

Asked again the clouds.

I do not know

I say

I do not know which I am from this day

To the next.

Well who did you feel today

Asked the clouds.

Today I am fearful and cautious

I say.

Who were you yesterday

Asked the clouds.

Yesterday I was free and careless

I say.

And who will you be tomorrow

Asked the clouds.

Tomorrow

Maybe I should be

Cautious and confident

Free and fearless

Engaging and smart

I say.

Tomorrow sounds great

The clouds say.

That it does

But what if I

Ah ah ah

Says the clouds

No what ifs today.

If there are no what ifs today

Who knows what the next day could be

Says the clouds.

It could be bad

I say.

Or it could be great

Says the clouds.

Will.

 Beatrice Miller

Chapter 6

 Thursday 8:25 AM

 Bryce Vallerea can’t help but think that Jimmy’s story has flaws in it. Bryce sits with his wife’s hand in his watching her watch her estranged brother tell the story of him coming back from the dead.                Bryce had never met Jimmy. He’d never seen any pictures of him older than a toddler. Bryce never heard Abbey talk about him at all, let alone watch his wife’s eyes become infatuated with this lie that Jimmy seemed to be telling her. Something wasn’t adding up and Bryce wants to know why.                Bryce looks over at Beatrice who he notices is staring off into space. She is staring out her window clutching her coffee and seemingly contemplating nothing but the beautiful sunrise peaking around the complex outside. He thinks to himself, ‘man, she looks beautiful.’

 Thursday 8:45 AM

 Beatrice stares out the window and thinks to herself, ‘what a beautiful sunrise! The only thing that would make it better is if Mark was here to enjoy it with me.’ But then her attention comes back to the tale that Jimmy is weaving from right next to her. She looks over at him and wonders how it could be that this man has come back from the dead.                She notices, minutes later, that he left out a detail – what it was inside him that really made him run away. Beatrice has trouble remembering a lot of stuff from her past and even recent past, but something she doesn’t forget is the way Abbey and her Brother were basically inseparable. Jimmy wouldn’t have left them for any cause. Jimmy would have run back to the house and gotten help for his brothers, and he certainly wouldn’t have left Abbey alone unless he…died.                Beatrice looks over at Bryce and catches him staring at her but instead of immediately looking away, Bryce makes a face that includes rolling his eyes. Beatrice assumes Bryce means the story coming from the mouth of Jimmy. Beatrice smiles and looks back down at her coffee.                Then something happens.                Something strange.                Beatrice starts to see stars. She sees her peripheral vision closing in on her and she takes a deep breath. Another deep breath. Another. Then it all comes back. Slowly, the colors of the world come back in her vision. Instead of feeling dizzy or departed, she feels normal. Better than before the blackness. She is still sitting up. She is still clutching her coffee. She is still listening to the same story being told by Jimmy.                ‘That was odd.’ She thinks to herself. But then immediately shakes her curiosity and focuses back on Jimmy’s story. Though…he’s finished now. Abbey and Jimmy lock eyes and Abbey takes a deep breath, tears filling up her eye-sockets. Abbey looks over at Beatrice.                “If only we had stopped the boys from going to that game. I wish they hadn’t gone.” Abbey says. She proceeds to cry into her hands. Beatrice takes one of Abbey’s hands and holds it. Bryce rubs her back.                Jimmy just sits quietly. Beatrice can pick up that he is anticipating something. But she can’t pick up what.                “What are you thinking about?” Beatrice asks Jimmy.                “Oh,” Jimmy responds in an oddly immediate confusion, “nothing. I guess I’m just feeling lighter now that I got to tell my story.”                “You never told anyone before?” Bryce asks. Beatrice looks at Bryce and sees disbelief in his eyes. Beatrice and Bryce lock eyes as if to say, ‘how would he have never told anybody?’                “Well,” Jimmy stumbles on his words, “after I got as far as I could, I reached the police station in town but everybody had gone home.”                “Police stations don’t close, Jimmy,” Bryce says, his voice dripping with distrust.                “Enough!” Abbey shouts, slamming her hands on the table. “Jimmy has been through enough without your incessant questions.” Abbey looks back over at Jimmy. “Thank you for telling me what you did. I’m so happy you are home.”                Beatrice knows that Abbey is just happy with having her brother home, so Beatrice looks over at Bryce who is already locking eyes with her and gently shakes her head as if to say, ‘No more.’ He nods back.                Abbey physically shakes her feeling of overwhelm and stands, “Breakfast anybody?”

 Thursday 12:00 PM

 Beatrice does dishes at her sink and stares out the window. Contemplating so many things that it’s hard for her to pick just one focal thought. Between her missing family, Bryce staring at her through the windows, these strange blackouts, and Jimmy being alive, she can’t seem to find any peace. That’s when she feels a hand press against her back. Her better judgment knows that it’s Bryce, but she hopes it’s Abbey. But it’s Bryce.                “Are you okay?” He asks.                “I don’t know.” Beatrice replies.                “Do you want to talk about anything?”                “Please take your hand off my back. I’m fine.”                “Beatrice, I know that things have been hard lately, but you don’t talk to me, and I care about you.”                “I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say or do so it’s hard for me to want to talk about anything because there just doesn’t seem to be anything to talk about.”                “It has been a year since your husband-”                “Mark.”                “Mark. Of course. It has been a while since Mark and the boys disappeared and I just figured you might need someone to talk to about it.”                “I see my therapist once a week as I’ve been prescribed.”                “I don’t think that’s the same as talking to someone you love.”                Beatrice thinks about that sentence. “Someone you love.” Who does she love? Does she love anybody? Can she love anybody anymore?                “Bryce. I don’t need to talk about anything. I’m fine.”                “It doesn’t seem like you’re fine. Like, at all. Ever.”                “Well, then I guess we will just have to give it time, now won’t we?”                “Beatrice. The boys have been missing for over a year. I think it’s time we talk about it – for your sake.”                “My sake…” Beatrice trails off, a slight sigh follows her words.                “Bee!” Abbey calls from the living room where her and Jimmy sit, looking at old photos. “Come and look at these! Look how young we look!”                “Coming!” Beatrice responds.                Bryce pushes Beatrice against the counter and slowly moves into her. She can feel his penis through his sweatpants. She tries to move back but can’t because of the edge of the counter digging into her back. She looks him in the eyes, it isn’t difficult because they are the same height. “I want you to come to me if you need anything, okay? Anything.”                “Thank you, Bryce. Now move.”                And Bryce moves back, picking up the coffee pot and pours himself a cup.

Sitting down next to Abbey and Jimmy, Beatrice takes a small stack of photos from Abbey. They are photos of their childhood homes, the playground, other students and friends at school. But Beatrice notices something about the photos. Something odd. Beatrice remembers the photos being taken. She remembers being there for the photos. She remembers the swings that resided in Abbey’s yard, but the strange part is, Beatrice isn’t in any of them. She looks at Abbey and says, “where am I in these pictures?”

               Abbey takes the photos from Beatrice and looks over them. She points to the center of the photo and says, “you are right there, silly. Are you okay?”

               “No, Abbey. I am not in this picture. Look.” Beatrice points down to the photo.

               Abbey looks up at Bryce and Beatrice notices their eyes go from fright to concern. “Honey, you are right there in the picture. Right next to Jimmy.”

The world is going to be a completely different place and I find myself pacing the entire apartment wondering what contribution I am going to offer this society. How can I make it so that I am going to be irreplaceable?

It's too bad that I lost who I was a while ago because otherwise I would know where I stand. Suddenly I dont. Now what?

I wish I could smell your little smell.

I wish I could pet those beautiful wisps.

I wish that you were here to remind me that this life is not a waste.

I wish you would come back just to let me know you are okay.

I wish you could answer a text and just simply say Hey.

I wish nothing else than to love that final moment again

years from now.

I wish that I could have done what I was supposed to do

and just remember to enjoy that short period of time

but I cant because you are gone now

and I am sad inside.

I am sad because I miss you.

I am sad because every part of me misses you.

I am sad because I truly understand that you cant come back to me.

You exist in me now.

It is my responsibility to ensure that you are not forgotten.

Wont you come back?

I know you cant.

But even just for one more moment.

Please

just one.