#jounral

Heatblast 🔥 and XLR8! 🌀

27|05|2025

The horrors persist, and somehow they seem to be getting worse everytime I thought they couldn't. My motivation to go to class is at an all time low, and staying focused in general is a fucking struggle. I keep not getting the sleep I'd need to function. I try to repeat to myself that I am doing the best I can at the moment but that's not always useful. Thankfully I am on the penultimate week of classes. One good recent thing is that thanks to audiobooks I finally got back my beloved habit of reading in the morning. For over a month if not two I have struggled with not reading in the morning because I was way too tired. But now thanks to audiobooks I have that back, and I intend to make it a consistent habit again, because it does bring me joy and it's a nice way to start my day. At the moment I am listening to the audiobook of Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. I am a couple of hours in and it seems quite fun.

On today's to do list:

continue writing notes for anthropology book ch1

commute + lecture

Irish

To the Human I love... this is dedicated to you.

Someone tore the seam

between what we were

and what we could have been.

a whisper of doubt,

a shadow between hearts.

We drifted apart,

like tides pulled from one another,

no message, no touch,

just silence filling the spaces

where laughter used to live.

Months passed.

Then one day,

I found a drawing

you left in my tote bag.

a ghost in graphite,

a heartbeat in lines.

I carried it everywhere,

as if keeping you near

could bring you back.

Then your name returned to me,

a vibration in my phone,

a breath I thought I’d lost.

You missed me.

You wanted to see me again.

We tried to make plans.

promises half-shaped like dreams.

“Let’s sleep on it,” we said,

but the morning never came.

Days bled into weeks.

The silence returned.

I reached out.

You saw it.

And didn’t answer.

Why?

I know you’re buried in work,

fifty hours a week,

but I still wonder.

was I ever a pause worth taking?

Was I ever a home worth keeping?

Where are you now?

Were all those words a lie,

or did they fade

the way ink does in rain?

Where is my Human?

the one who would hold me close

and let me know everything is okay,

the one who reached out

even when life was chaos.

Where are you now, Human?

I look at the stars

and remember your words:

“I got all the time in the world, do you?”

It echoes in my head

over and over.

I’ll wait for you, my Human.

Even when everything feels lost,

I’ll be here waiting.

Time feels different

when it’s spent with the right person.

Maybe it’s less about having time

and more about choosing

how we fill it.

I’ll wait for you, Human.

until then,

I’ll tell the stars all about you

They’re all from different parts of my life. One is from 4-3 years ago, the second is from 2 years ago-present, and then the third only has a few rouge entries from when I couldn’t find the first one.