Sometimes I feel that I never moved away from that frozen icy plain, in Jotunheim, centuries ago. I was always there, and I'll always be there,...a boy, scared to death, confused, speechless. Alone with his own breakdown.
I often see and live again that moment in my worst nightmares, or when insomnia makes me overthink, until my migraine is triggered. I look at my left arm...I see it again. I FEEL IT AGAIN.
That cold, brutal grip. Suddenly. That frosty bite that burned my skin like the wildest fire. I look at my arm and NOW I KNOW that what I see is a pathetic lie. I know that that was my aspect...my skin turned blue, icy, with that intricate patterns, the dark nails...
If only my Father should have known the terror in me, that moment. The terror to look in those red-blood eyes, the demon in front of me who's grinned at my bewilderment, like he would enjoyed...almost smelled my fear like a predator in front of his trembling prey. Why no one has heard my screams of fear? Why no one has heard my heart go shattered in thousands pieces, cracking like the same ice I walked on?
I live and relive that moment almost every night, yelling demons in my head.
I will be never over this. Never. I will always be that young man with eyes full of terror, and the broken soul. My Mother was used to tell me that my natural skin colour was beautiful...she said that it remembered her the shiny snow in the blue light of dusk. Pure. Magical. Untouched. Her voice was so sweet and soothing...
She tried to comfort me in my bad days, and I swear that for a moment she was able to snatch me a smile...but soon the sadness was back, and all I saw was a disgusting Jotunn monster everyone would hate. I still see him now, after all this time. And it's me, now, the one who's hated him.
My race is a killers race. Sworn enemies of Asgardians. They are brutal, fierce, bloodthirsty.
The natural heir of that race of monsters?
Sorry for this vent. I went through a troubled nights...full of bad thoughts and demons yells that torturing my soul again. Demons named regrets, pain, bitterness, remorses, memories, terror, brokenness. Sometimes I let them go and ignore their screams. Sometimes I can't. And today I can't.
