White Noise
Blank space. Thatās what it is. A constant white noise in my head and I canāt seem to get past how it drowns everything else out. Itās like a constant backdrop, leaving me unproductive and empty. I donāt feel the way I should and because I've been told that I should feel something I think something is wrong with me. People are screaming all around me and I canāt distinguish between the screeching and the white noise because itās still there. Itās like static on a tv thatās been disconnected for so long it doesnāt connect to channels anymore. My own domain of nothing in my head. It keeps me stagnant. I keep me stagnant. I feel sleepy, like someone is giving me melatonin against my will. Maybe itās in the air I'm inhaling but no one else seems to feel it the way that I do. I canāt breathe most of the time and my heart beat has been irregular for years. Sometimes I feel like I have asthma because no matter how hard I inhale the air doesnāt seem to quite reach my lungs. Maybe thatās because the airs been stolen from them by boys whose lips taste like alcohol and admire me from a distance instead of jumping head first into my heart. Maybe itās because I never hold the door open for any of them anyway. I push them so far away because I'm accustomed to the tv static. Maybe I donāt want it to stop. Maybe I'm afraid of the colors. The last time I saw them they were so intense it woke up the oldest parts of my soul. But it broke me too. I think I like the white noise because when you donāt feel anything the pain doesnāt touch you. Youāre numb and invincible. āBut you should know how damaging that it.ā Yeah Ty, trust me I know.
I think that there is no medicine in the world that can heal that. I think that you must want to get better, and I want it. I want to get better and I am better. Iām happy. But a constant state of happiness isnāt realistic anyway. I think in extremes when the white noise isnāt there. I feel too much. An empath. When itās high the highs are so high, I feel like I can touch Olympus. When the lows are low, I feel like I sink into Hadesā den. There are no grey areas for me when the white noise is gone, thereās only black and colors. I think it made me impossible to be around. I constantly check out from conversations and situations because I'm so busy creating universes in my head for myself. Constantly acting them out and spitting them onto paper. I prefer the characters made of moonlight over the beating hearts that surround me every day. Maybe itās because I want the hearts around me to dig a little deeper. Everyone is so focused on their own psyche they donāt realize that the people around them are crumbling. The disconnect is everywhere and thereās people with static in their heads all around us. Iām sure of it. There must be. I canāt be the only one. - Joshebel Emma Ramlakhan
