#jordanli

YOU and Jordan have a…complex, complicated friendship, it is a series of barbed wire and thorns. you are either the closest of friends, or enemies that kiss when you're too drunk to care—neither of you ever truly defining what you are in your day-to-day life out loud.

so why is it when they’re kissing another girl in the club hurt so much? why the fuck should you care. As you sit next to cate & marie you don’t know where luke & andre are with the drugs but at this point you don’t care, you can’t help but gulp down the rest of your drink, and cate can’t help but look at you. “hey, you okay babes? You look like you’re about to flip this whole club upside down” she softly murmurs. you look up and tilt you head at cate and sigh “yeah I’m fine, I think I’m gonna call it a night my head hurts and I feel like if I stay in this club any longer I’m gonna explode.” You left out a half ass chuckle at the end and marie gets up and wanders off to who knows where.

“noo, stay a little longer?” cate says with a slight frown on her face. You can’t help but sigh “I will, but only if you get me another drink.” cate stands up “you’re wish is my command” cate says as she dramatically bows and going to the bar to get you another drink and you let out a light giggle as she walks away.

you doze off, as you bite your nails anxiously, you don’t know how much you can take seeing jordan shove their tongue down that girls throat. You’re so out of focus you don’t even notice cate handing you the drink until she snaps her fingers in your face, you look up at her and murmur “thank you” as you take the drink from her hand. you take a sip from the drink then place it infront of you, with your head resting on the palm of your hand, you trace the top of the cup and for a second you look up making eye contact with jordan.

jordan looked at you with those same eyes that made you melt. but now they had another girl on their lap who was clearly enjoying the attention you've always wanted from them. the more they looked your way, the more you felt your blood boil. they could sense that something was wrong with you, but they are so drunk that they had no idea what it was.

You can’t help but bite your lip, anxiously and you turn your head to cate. “Look cate, I’d love to stay here but I think I should just go home okay? Tell the others I went home early okay?” Cate looked at you and saw that something was wrong with you, “yeah uhm? Do you need a ride or something?” you shake your head no, “I’ll call an Uber” you softly murmur and get up grabbing all your stuff, you gulped down your 4th or somewhat 6th drink of the night? Honestly you didn’t care. You call an Uber and patiently wait outside till it pulls up, you hop in. What you didn’t know was a pair of eyes that followed your figure as you walked out the club.

you lean your head against the car window, looking at the city lights & sigh as you fidget with the necklace jordan gave you for your birthday, gosh if only they knew. Tears brimmed in your eyes as you sniffled, tonight sucked. Jordan watched silently from one of the club windows. they saw you disappear into the night and felt a tugging sensation in their gut. the more drunk they got, the more they thought about how badly they wanted to hold you in their arms. they whispered to the girl on their lap that they needed to go to the bathroom, then made their way out of the packed club, their mind fixated on you.

it was morning time, you wake up from your bed rubbing eyes and stretch as you sit up leaning against your headboard, maybe you shouldn’t have drank so much. this hangover is so shitty, all you wanna do is curl up into a ball and cry. Suddenly, a knock echoed through your room maybe it was your roommate, "just a second!” You slightly yell, and unlock the door opening it to see jordan. Your facial expression turns blank, “what do you want?” you say your arms crossed over each other and you lean your head against your door

Jordan leaned against the door frame with a nervous grin, obviously hungover just like you. their hair was tousled, and their eyes were bloodshot from a night of partying, “Well, good morning to you too,” they say with a playful nervous tone. "Can I come in?” you sigh, nodding opening the door a little wider for jordan to come in. you close the door and lock it, “someone had fun last night” you murmur and sit down on your bed. Jordan chuckled softly as they entered the room, plopping down onto your bed next to you. “Someone's feisty this morning,” they teased, gently nudging your shoulder with theirs. Their eyes swept over your face, noticing the tension in your expression. "You still upset about last night?"

you were slightly taken aback “you knew? And continued to make out with that girl right in front of my face?” you looked at jordan in disbelief. Jordan let out a sigh, their gaze drifting away from you. "I was drunk, alright? I wasn’t thinking straight last night." They ran a hand through their messy hair, their body feeling heavier than usual. "I didn't think you'd care, honestly."

You let out of scoff, “you know what jordan fuck you. Gosh I’m so fucking stupid for liking an idiot like you.”Jordan's eyes widened slightly at your words. The room fell silent for a moment, save for the sound of your heavy breathing. Jordan stared at you with a mix of surprise and shame, taking in what you had just said.

“Wait… what the hell?” Jordan managed, their voice soft. “You… like me?” Fuck— you slipped up but honestly you were just so fed up, at this point what matters anymore. “Yes jordan! You think i would go out here just fucking you just to fuck! Yeah we were both drunk that night but it meant something to me! I should’ve knew it was a bad idea considering you only fuck and don’t do relationships, but you know what fuck this shit. I’m done I’m so fucking done, you’re so stuck up you know that? Maybe I should’ve thought twice that night” You pace around your room and bite you nails anxiously.

Jordan sat in stunned silence, watching you pace the room and unload all your pent up emotions. Their eyes never left your figure, their heart sinking from the weight of your words.

"Look... I’m..." Jordan’s voice trailed off, not knowing what to say. A mix of guilt and regret washed over their face as they realized the consequences of their actions. They hated seeing you so hurt, but they also hated the fact that you had feelings for them in the first place. “Forget about it” you say, as the room falls silent. “Maybe you should just leave jordan” you murmur not looking at jordan. “I have to get ready for class and the last thing I want Is being late to class cause of you.”

Jordan opened their mouth to say something again, but after a few seconds of silence, they decided against it. They stood up slowly, taking one last glance at you before turning towards the door."Yeah... I should probably go," Jordan mumbled, their heart sinking into their stomach. As they took a step forward, they couldn’t help but turn around one last time.

"Hey... uh" Your front is turned away, as your back faces them “what” you murmur biting your lip anxiously and squeeze your eyes shut. Jordan steps closer, until they’re right behind you. They hesitate for a moment, their hand raising as if they want to reach out and touch you, but they think otherwise and let it fall back down to their side.

"I'm sorry..." they whisper, their voice tinged with remorse. "I never meant to hurt you like this." you sigh, “just go jordan.”Jordan stands there for a moment longer, their eyes glued to your back. They want to say something more, but the words get stuck in their throat. With a deep breath, they turn around and slowly walk to the door.

"I'll see you around," Jordan murmurs, their voice barely audible. They open the door and step outside, closing it slowly behind them.

as they left you couldn’t help the tears that brimmed in the corner of your eyes, you have class you need to go. you wipe your eyes with the back of your hand and get ready for the day. You walked to class and sit down in next to cate. “You see Jordan on the other side of class but choose to ignore their stare, cate looks at you worriedly “you okay? You left so sudden last night” she whispered softly. You force a smile and nod your head at Cate's question, not wanting her to see how upset you truly were.

"Yeah, I'm fine," you say, trying to keep your voice steady. "Just needed to get home early, that's all." Your eyes flicker towards where Jordan is sitting, but you quickly look away before they can meet your gaze. You listen to the teacher attentively, and write your notes down, Throughout the entire class, you could feel Jordan's eyes on you. Every now and then, you would steal a glance at them, only to find them already looking your way. However, each time you caught them in the act, they would quickly look away, pretending not to have been staring in the first place.

During one particularly boring section of the lecture, Jordan leaned over to Andre and whispered something, their eyes darting back in your direction.

suddenly you’re attention takes off them by cate. “hey, do u wanna go get vought a burger after class?” Cate whispered and you softly nodded smiling. “yeah I’m pretty fuckin’ hungry” you softly giggle, 15 minutes later the bell ringed and class was over, Jordan and Andre go on their business not that you really care. as you and cate go get vought a burger. You both order and cate suddenly asks “what’s up with you and Jordan? And don’t lie something’s up with you two, they we’re staring at you all class babes”

You take a bite of your burger and try to play it cool, but you can't hide the truth from Cate. She knows you too well.

"It's nothing, really," you say, avoiding eye contact. "We just had a bit of a disagreement, that's all."

Cate gives you a skeptical look, not buying your excuse. "Come on, you can't fool me. What happened between you two?"

you suddenly go quiet and sigh, maybe you should tell cate.

You take another bite of your burger, contemplating whether or not to share the truth with Cate. On one hand, you feel like you need to get it off your chest, but on the other hand, you're scared of how she might react.

Finally, you decide to take the plunge.

"Alright, I'll tell you, but promise me you'll keep it to yourself," you say, looking at cate anxiously.

Cate listens intently as you recount the events of the previous night, leaving out no details. You tell her about how Jordan got drunk at the club and started making out with another girl while being right in front of you. You also tell her about how you and Jordan had hooked up before as well as you finally snapped and confessed your feelings to them this morning.

When you finish, you wait for Cate's reaction, feeling vulnerable and exposed. You bite your lip anxiously and clear your throat.

Cate takes a moment to process everything you've just shared, her expression unreadable at first. Finally, she speaks up, her voice softer than usual.

"Damn, I had no idea all that was going on between you two," she says, shaking her head. "Jordan's such a dumbass, you know that right? How could they do that knowing how you feel?"

You sigh, “yeah but it’s whatever, I should get back to my dorm. Thank you cate” you softly smile “I appreciate it.” You reach in for a hug. Cate hugs you tightly, her arms wrapped around you in a comforting embrace. "Anytime, you know I've always got your back," she says, pulling back to look at you.

"Take care of yourself, yeah? You deserve better than that." You softly smile and walk to your dorm. Your heart skips a beat when you see Jordan in their female form sitting in front of your dorm room. They stand up as you approach, their expression unreadable.

"Hey," Jordan says softly, their voice raspy. "Can we talk?"

“We did and that went nowhere, so what’s the problem now” you murmur opening your door and standing in the middle of your door way and purse your lips, you let out a sigh “5 minutes Jordan.” You say sternly and set your bag down on your bed as they walk in.

Jordan nods silently and walks into your dorm, shutting the door behind them. They stand awkwardly in the middle of the room, their hands fidgeting nervously.

“Look,” they begin, their gaze lowered. “I know I messed up last night. I got too drunk and I acted like a idiot.”

They look up at you, their eyes sincere. “But I didn't mean to hurt you. I swear.”

Jordan sighs and runs a hand through their messy hair, their gaze fixed on the floor.

"Hey..." they begin, their voice soft. "I know this is going to sound cliche, but... I really do care about you."

They pause for a moment, gathering their thoughts.

"I care about you more than I've cared about anyone in a long time," they continue, their eyes finally lifting to meet yours. "And I know I messed up last night. I was drunk and stupid, and I hurt you."

Jordan's gaze never wavers as they continue to speak.

"I've been so stuck in my own head for so long, trying to avoid the idea of being in a relationship," they say, shaking their head. "But when I'm with you... I just feel different. Like... like I don't want to be anywhere else but with you."

They step closer to you, their eyes locked on yours.

"I know I've been an idiot, and I don't deserve you, but... I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone."

your breathing gets caught in your throat, “you’re not fucking with me right?” Your voice cracks and you back up. “Please tell me your not fucking with me right now”

Jordan's expression softens as they see the uncertainty in your eyes. They take a step forward, closing in the distance between you two.

"No, I'm not fucking with you," they say softly. "I mean every word."

They reach out and gently cup your face in their hands, their eyes locked on yours.

"I love you," they whisper again, their voice filled with emotion. "And I'm telling the truth."

“I love you too” you sniffle, your head hazy and fuzzy, Jordan fucking Li, liked you back? Gosh someone slap you.

Jordan's eyes widen at your words, their heart swelling in their chest. They can't believe what they're hearing.

"You... you love me too?" they say, their voice shaky. "Even after everything I've put you through?"

They pull you closer, their arms wrapping around your waist.

“I’d never stop loving you, no matter how I try.” You murmur and Jordan’s eyes softened so much as you cup your face and lean in to kiss you. Gosh their lips were so soft you could melt into them.

Jordan's lips move against yours, their kiss gentle yet filled with unspoken emotions. They cradle your face in their hands, their fingers tracing your cheek.

"I don't deserve you," they murmur against your lips. "But I'm never letting you go again.”

“Don’t ever.” You lean in to kiss jordan again, falling back on the bed as they straddle your hips without breaking the kiss, their hand slips into your shirt as they kiss down your neck. “you know ever since that night we hooked up I’ve been craving you, can I taste you?” They softly whisper kissing your ear.

“please..” was all you could say as they leaned in to kiss you again.

The campus used to be so much more intimidating during my first year, but over the course of my first year it became so small. As I made my way through the herd of freshmen looking for their dorms, pushing and shoving into each other trying to make it to my own room. With all the chaos around me, I feel my face make contact with another girl's face. I pull back a bit to put some  distance between us, to get a better look at her face. Her beautiful brown eyes expanded like a deer caught headlights. I offer a smile to diffuse the awkwardness to no end.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry. It's just so busy here and everyone was pushing into each other, and it's so chaotic, I’m so sorry” she said also immediately to try and explain away the situation, it was almost comical how she was tripping over her words. “ its quite alright,  I usually prefer when people buy me dinner before they try to kiss me sweetheart” “oh that’s not what I was doing, I swear, I didn’t mean to kiss you” “ relax, it was just a joke. The first day is always brutal in these hallways, so expect to kiss a few strangers, good thing i happened to kiss a cute one at least” she started to blush uncontrollably. I have always been a flirt but not in order to get into peoples pants it was more of a way to connect with people instantly. People loved to be complimented, so by default they automatically liked me. “ I’m y/n by the way, we’ve kissed the least I can do is introduce myself” “ Marie. I’ve been walking in circles and i think i can officially consider myself lost because i cant seem to find my dorm” she hands me the piece of paper she is holding for me to check it out. “ oh this was my dorm was my dorm last year, you are on the wrong floor. I grab her hand and lead her to the staircase. “Oh my god, you are a live saver,  i owe you one, whatever you need let me know and i mean anything at all.”

“ I’ll hold you to that” you wave her off heading toward the staircase once again.

After settling into your dorm, you decide to head to the indoor training gym, assuming everyone would be out on the field watching golden boy. The freshmen were always obsessing over him. The gym was quiet so you decide to work on your agility and endurance, running over the same drills repeated enjoying the complete silence except for your heavy breathing. You were so zoned in you didn’t even notice Jordan standing next to your target practice, almost blasting into him. “Fuck dude, I could’ve seriously hurt you.” They looked  at me smugly, “Not with those weak blasts, I think I'll be just fine.” You turn away from them and try to get back to your training. “ you’ve been avoiding me, and i know you are going to say that you haven’t but I know that its not just all in my head because every time we had planned to meet up over the summer you were magically busy or something came up, yet you had time to hang out with everyone else except for me.”  you stop in your tracks and turn to face them. “ first off I’m not avoiding you, just wanted to give us both a bit of space, a cooling period if you will. I had to for both our sakes because nothing like that can ever happen again, you know that right?” “ what I know is that we hooked up, so what, its not that big of a deal and we can move past it can’t we? You are my best friend, i wouldn’t want to do anything to mess that up, but its a lot harder to have a friendship when it feels like you are a thousand miles away.” Jordan moves in closer holding out there hands for you to hold. In their female form their hands are almost the same size as yours, you hesitantly interlock their fingers with yours. You thought that with 3 months away from Jordan your feelings would have settle but the moment your hands made connect all you could think about was the warmth radiating from their body and what you do to be wrapped up in them once again. “ I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so distant just needed the time and space to sort somethings out, because you are one of Andre’s bestfriends before you are mine and it would just be so selfish of me to not only ruin our friendship but also yours and Andre’s. I had to think and I do love being your friend but not exactly sure how to do that right now without it being awkward. It will take me a moment to adjust, so just give me some time.” Jordan was looking at you so intensely that you felt your insides turning, under their stare you became a nervous mess, the butterflies in your stomach were erupting. So you stepped back breaking the eye contact and letting go of their hand as if the closeness to them might lead to you doing something stupid again so instead you choose to break the tension. “ do you want to train with me? I could use some help” “ I would but I’ve got to go catch up on some work for Brink, how about we meet up tomorrow at like 8pm in here, the gym should be empty” you start to panic, you could not under any circumstances be alone in a room with Jordan motherfucking Li, it simply could not happen. You knew you would mess up and you would mess up big time. “ could we do 6 pm instead? I’ve got dinner with the family tomorrow” you said lying through your teeth. “ yeah I guess 6 is alright” they say as they head for the door, waving you off. You fall onto the mat, laying there for a second and all you could think was fuck I’m screwed.