#john monroe

Weasel Stomping Day

Gunn obviously chose Weasel for Creature Commandos because he had the character in The Suicide Squad. And, while the character certainly has some minor history with the group (literally one issue ever as a living character), it's definitely a choice. It's also obvious that Gunn also ignored the Firestorm issues, as this is clearly not a man in a weasel costume. It's possible that there'll be a tie when we actually learn Weasel's origin in the future, but we'll have to wait and see on that front. His name is John, of course, but that's short for John DOE, not John Monroe.

Now, the character became memorable in The Suicide Squad, of course, but he was treated entirely as a joke, down to getting his own funny-silly post-credits scene. In fact, they use that scene to confirm that The Suicide Squad and Creature Commandos DO take place in the same universe. Oh, and yes, I saw that interview where Gunn said not all of The Suicide Squad is necessarily canon, but I don't believe that for a second. Anyway, Weasel in the film is genuinely VERY funny, but isn't much else. Sean Gunn, of course, performs the character via motion capture as a crazy, gangly, kinda-gross weirdo, and it's SO effective, that Gunn used the popularity of the character to promote Creature Commandos. And there, he revealed the tragic truth. Remember that throwaway line about Weasel in the movie about the kids he killed? Well...

A quick personal note about me and my preferences: I hate tragedy for the sake of tragedy in storytelling. I find it a kind of lazy plot device to motivate a character purely through some grimdark shit that happened in the backstory. It works when used correctly and somewhat sparingly, but not constantly. And there are some forms of tragedy that are really shitty, and if you've ever read or seen badly-written stuff that features any woman ever, there's at least one trope that's terribly overused in fiction. Not gonna list it here to avoid triggering people unnecessarily. But, OK, is Weasel's tragedy worth including, and actually adding to the character's backstory?

Yes. At least, I think so. Look, Weasel's comic book origins are so shit, that the comics basically abandoned them after a single story. A serial killer murdering for tenure? Nah. An anthropoid weasel of as-to-yet undetermined origin who tried and failed to help a group of schoolchildren, only to be blamed for their murder with no way to defend himself? Now, that's...that's interesting. It's also especially interesting because it's not actually his origin story, it's just the reason why he's been convicted, despite the work of...Elizabeth Bates? Whoa, OK, that's the DEEPEST cut of deep cuts there. Elizabeth Bates, AKA Betty Bates, had her own comic book run in Quality Comics in the '40s. Ran for 10 years, over 61 issues, but she's been essentially banished to the completely forgotten pile for 75 years! So, OK, credit where credit is due, Gunn.

Anyway, back to Weasel. John's backstory here is very dramatic and well-told, going from a group of kids playing with their new weird animal friend, ET-style, to a...mildly comedic set-up where they accidentally set a basement on fire. Turns from comedy to tragedy INCREDIBLY quick, though, as these children all die, some with Weasel watching and attempting to save them. Watching him try to help, only to be shot and blamed for the event is genuinely very sad, and also creates an important distinction between member of the Creature Commandos and members of the Suicide Squad.

Monsters are born from tragedy, criminals are (at least in many cases) born from choice and circumstance. That's generalizing heavily in the latter case, but we're talking comic book characters, and I'm focusing on a wereweasel. Cut me a little slack here. Point is, something Creature Commandos does well is show the tragedy behind these characters. What it does somewhat poorly is justify their incarceration by Waller and Belle Reve. That's a Suicide Squad thing, not a CC thing. But with Weasel, that's done fairly well here.

At this point, of course, I've given enough praise to Gunn's portrayal of a seeming joke character, so we now need to ask the most important question: ...Weasel? Really? That's the character we're putting in the Creature Commandos? Or even the Suicide Squad? WEASEL?

Look, in case you haven't noticed, even DC doesn't care about this guy, AT ALL! He pops up every now and again, only to constantly die! And hell, he was turned from a dude in a suit into an actual weasel-man ACCIDENTALLY because the writers didn't care! I suppose it is nice that Gunn took and rehabilitated this lost and abandoned character, and I honestly am interested in seeing where he goes with it, but...Weasel? Surely there were other choices. The Suicide Squad can keep him, he makes a little more sense there. But he's mostly in Creature Commandos, it would seem, because of his appearance and popularity in that film. It's establishing another tie to that movie, making it even more a part of the DCU. And since that's expressly what we're trying to AVOID...let's reconsider.

Weasel is, obviously, meant to represent the werewolf character of the group. In DC, to be fair, there are very few interesting werewolves. They certainly exist, but none are really main characters that people remember today. But, as I've done previously, I'll present two choices for my iteration of the Creature Commandos, one by-the-books and one more creative. The only requirements here are that they are or once were human, with the ability to turn into an anthropoid mammalian carnivore, or having been made that way and being unable to turn back. Broad, I know, but the distinction is important. Their origin can remain shrouded, as it is with Weasel, but they need to have an origin that make them a lycanthrope canonically. And so, without further ado, let's get to my Weasel replacements.

The Purist Choice: Scratch (Zachary Griffith)

Gunn had the right instinct in terms of reinvention, so I propose another reinvention that folds in two separate characters, while also establishing tie to two separate versions of the Creature Commandos (and maybe hinting at a hidden past). So, may I present to you a completely forgotten character: Scratch. Yeah, uh, this is also kind of a nothing character, to the point where I gave him a last name. In the comics, he's just Zack. Zack is a teenaged werewolf, plain and simple. In the 5-issue comic book series in which he originates (and never leaves), he's a kid from the South with an unusual deformity: a large deformed finger. On his fifteenth birthday, it grows and the deformity spreads, only for it to fully blossom into what it really is: lycanthropy. Zack's a werewolf, plain and simple.

In his series, he befriends (and falls in love with, of course) a young woman named Sage with her own "deformity": periocular asymmetry, meaning that one eye is significantly higher than the other. That's the result of a nuclear blast that deformed many of the people of her town, Orangewood, especially the children. A little girl staying with her is kidnapped by a monster, the Ourobouros, and Scratch is the one to save her? But without revealing the ending to the story, the actual monster is prejudice. It's a whole thing, and an interesting read...but not hard to see why this is a forgotten story. I enjoyed it, but The Long Halloween it is not, even with the appearance of special guest (and kind of narrator), Batman. What all this means is, Scratch is a good candidate for a reboot and revitalization, but the story is a good basis for the flashback. As for the other character, and the origin of the new last name I've given Zack...

The way we're revitalizing Zack is by making him the great-grandson of Private Warren Griffith, AKA Wolfpack. Now, I'll get into how we're incorporating the original Creature Commandos, but make no mistake, ALL of them exited in my DCU. Griffith is also getting a little bit of a makeover, becoming an actual afflicted werewolf, rather than being transformed into an artificial werewolf. That may, we can incorporate this as a genetically-inherited condition, and have it get passed down to Zack. However, it'll skip a couple of generations, and his cousin, Wanda Griffith (oh, look, another comic book connection) will also have this condition, which will be a point for Zack to discover later on.

The events of Scratch will have occurred, but heavily altered. No Batman, and a lot more justice for the townsfolk at the end of the story, and making Griffith an actual killer, meaning that his inclusion in the team is...controversial, to say the least. In a real sense, he is monstrous, without being an actual monster. And his connection with Sage gives him some vulnerability, as does his role in protecting his community. Also, we're aging him up by a couple of years, so that his enlistment in the Commandos is done in order to get him back to Sage and their child, as-of-yet-unnamed, as well as the community they protect.

There's more development needed there, but this is a unique character that allows us to tie in the original Creature Commandos as well. However, I'd be lying if I said this would be a popular character, but...I mean, it's about as good as Weasel, let's be honest. Just depends on how he's portrayed. So, what about the creative choice?

Intermission: Therianthropy

So here's the thing: of all the therianthropes that Gunn had to choose from, especially the criminals...he chose Weasel? REALLY?!? There are a lot of characters that transform into animal form outside of wolves, which is why I made that distinction above, and Gunn chose the dude affiliated with weasels. I like mustelids, and I like weasels, I really do. But, like, even within Firestorm's rogues gallery, there's an ACTUAL therianthrope called Hyena, and they ALSO need a revamp in their backstory! Why Weasel and not Hyena?

But just to get to the short point here, there's a massive catalog of characters with beast-forms to choose from. Here's a somewhat messy list of them, and I'll narrow those down to some valid candidates here.

Anthony Lupus AKA Werewolf is, of course, an actual werewolf. But, he's another scientific and artificial werewolf over a supernatural one, and I'm actually aiming for either supernatural or genetic with this choice, so Anthony's out.

Apex Ava, Beast Boy, and the more recent Beast Girl are neat, but either require a bit too much explanation, or are characters that don't fit with the Creature Commandos, either because they're unrepentant criminals, or should be with other groups like the Doom Patrol.

Barbara Ann Minerva AKA Cheetah is a magically-transformed cheetah-woman, yes...but is WAY too high-profile for this team, not to mention too villainous. Sure, her morality is more flexible than some, but no, she's a bit too much for this group (even if I did use her as the image above). That's also gonna go for other therianthropic Cheetah, Sebastian Ballesteros, since that also requires some background information. Still, that one's lightly tempting, not gonna lie.

Boy oh boy, is Man-Bat AKA Kirk Langstrom incredibly tempting. And I'm not the only one who thinks so. Gunn himself wanted to throw Man-Bat into the team, because he's genuinely quite a good choice for the Creature Commandos. However, there are definitely a few reasons for excluding him in this team. For example...well, technically...wait. Shit.

The Creative Choice: Man-Bat (Kirk Langstrom)

OK, it's honestly hard to call this the "creative" choice, but goddamn if this doesn't feel like the right one. I tried, I promise you, I really tried to justify a choice better than this one. For a minute there, I was going for Samuel Register, the supervillain known as the Zookeeper, because he was a black slate character with ties to Beast Boy and potential ties to other characters, allowing the universe to be built out further. Plus, he had the ability to turn into other animals like Beast Boy can, thanks to self-experimentation, making him a versatile choice for a therianthrope team member. But, uh...that's basically just Man-Bat with extra steps, isn't it?

OK, introductions for the unaffiliated! Kirk Langstrom was a scientist with the goal of curing deafness by using experimental serum from bats, which use echolocation and have excellent hearing. Going deaf himself, he tested the serum he developed on himself, like you do if you're a comic book mad scientist. In the process, he became a werewolf-like humanoid bat creature, uncontrolled and rampaging as an enemy of Batman off-and-on. He's a typical tortured soul, trying to cure himself and battling with his animalistic urges. In other words, he's a werebat, without the lunar cycle issues in your classic werewolves. Alternatively, he's a Jekyll-and-Hyde character, but his Hyde can fly and occasionally drinks blood (depending on the incarnation). Either way, he's a seminal Batman villain/ally, and quite literally the first villain used by Batman: The Animated Series.

I love Man-Bat, and he's an excellent choice for the Creature Commandos, for multiple reasons. Not only does he fulfill the werewolf role, but he also fulfills the role of the vampire if you choose to use that iteration of the character. Not only that, but if you want to go with Gunn's tragic backstory route, this is an easy character to do that with. Hell, look no further than the version of the character in Batman: Arkham Knight for an excellent tragic Langstrom. Bringing in his wife, Francine, is a pretty solid way to do this. And...actually, that's basically exactly what Gunn did with Doctor Phosphorus. Tragic doctor, transformed into a monster as a result of work that was supposed to be beneficial, becomes a villain of Batman after said tragedy. Yeah, Langstrom here is basically Weasel and Phosphorus combined, so...why didn't Gunn use this guy? No, really, why not?

Well, uh, according to Gunn...it's because he wanted to use Weasel. Yeah. Surprise.

Gunn stated, and I quote:

I definitely considered Wolfpack, and, especially, Man-Bat (one of my faves). But I knew I wanted to tell Weasel’s story so it felt like too many rabid and fuzzy characters.

And that's fair, honestly, but given Weasel vs. Kirk Langstrom (or Phosphorus vs. Langstrom, actually), I choose Langstrom literally every time. Not only is he a prominent fan-favorite character that could really help establish the Batman corner of the DCU (like Phosphorus did), but he's also a scientist who can establish ties with a bunch of other characters; he's a guy that could easily get a spin-off special or miniseries all on his own; and maybe most importantly, he's not necessarily a villain. He's an incredibly complex character with his own agency and life, and would be an asset for the Creature Commandos as a team. And honestly, I don't even think he should be a second season character; bring him in for the first, then spin him off. The potential here is crazy, and it's a shame it was unexplored.

So, how would I run Langstrom if I had my Creature Commandos series? I mean, essentially as I said, with a few modifications. For instance, the whole "fix deafness" thing is and always has been terribly ill-informed and kinda dumb from a scientific standpoint. So, what if there's another bat-related trait that can be useful for Langstrom's purposes? For example...their absolutely insane immunities. Bats are both viral reservoirs and nearly cancer-proof, meaning that integrating elements of their genome into the human genome would be, honestly, quite valuable if it were possible. And this is a comic book universe, so...why not?

I'd love to explain my idea for Man-Bat fully, but...this post is getting long. So, I'll just throw in a short list of the characters I would involve with his story. Emile Dorian, Abel Cuvier, Achilles Milo, Anthony Lupus, Mark Logan, Samuel Register, Katherine Viverrida, Samuel March, Francine Langstrom, Aaron Langstrom, Warren Lawford, Armand Lydecker, Gunther Hardwicke, and Batman. And honestly, I'm pretty sure I'm low-balling it. If anybody is interested in hearing my full ideas for the character, let me know (maybe I'll make another post about it). However, like I said, this post is getting pretty long already.

Let's just say that Kirk will come to the Creature Commandos looking for redemption, seeing himself as a monster (rightfully so, based on his backstory I have plotted out in my head), and requisitioned by the government with this goal in mind. He'll struggle to release his chiropteran other-half, and when he does, it's an additional struggle to subdue it with the help of medication. When the Man-Bat is released, though, it is incredibly valuable and somewhat uncontrollable, but also DEFINITELY scary enough to work for the team as intended. By the end of the series, the two halves will become closer to being whole, and experimental treatments will give Kirk limited control when in Man-Bat form. Limited control. That's the sort of thing to come in a spin-off, or in a second season if Kirk isn't popular enough.

And with that, we close this chapter, for now. Lemme know if you're interested in any further ideas about Man-Bat that I may have. Next time, we move on to...oh, right. This one's gonna be an overhaul, which is controversial because this was a REALLY popular character. But yeah...let's talk Doctor Phosphorus.

See you next time (maybe, no pressure)!