#jinyoung reader

“Look at her!” he sighed and you almost felt bad for him.

“Why? You want to tell me you’re in love with her or you want to tell me the drinks that you consumed in the past hour are telling you to fuck someone and she’s the only one you haven’t slept with yet in this house?” you shook your head in disbelief. That was the line he promised not to cross years ago. Want to hook up with literally anyone? ‘You do you but don’t touch my closest girlfriend’ you told him back in school, after his hormones told him it’s a good idea to hook up with your at the time best friend Naya, ruining your friendship. He never wanted to see her again, and all she could ever talk and think about was him. At the end the only common thing that was left between you two was Johnny and this was really not something you wanted to have as a common interest.

“No, not the only one.” he chuckled giving you that light drunken smirk you’ve seen million times. The undone two buttons of his black shirt that were perfectly emphasising his skinny build and the hair strands that hung over his forehead messily were the two signs Johnny was all out tonight. You knew it and you knew it worked, you could practically feel every girl that looked at him drool.

“Oh, so you’re in love?” you tried to hide bitterness in your voice but felt like you failed. Thanks to his drunken state it went unnoticed.

“No, all I’m saying there’s another option too.”

“Great, then you can go.” you stretched your arms out to the side, signalling for him to leave.

His feet moved towards you, making you guess he wanted to say goodbye properly. Johnny’s hand touched your neck, resting his forehead against yours, making it feel weird to have his warm skin on your neck.

“That other option is you, you dumbhead.” he spoke quietly. “As long as you’re still strongly against it…” you didn’t let him finish.

“Yes I am, I don’t want you falling in love with me and then running after me all your life after you’ll have the best sex.” you said quickly, pushing him by the shoulder.

“Oh that,” he laughed in the specific manner, you could only name the Johnny Suh manner “it would never happen, you don’t have to worry.” he continued laughing, throwing his head back. You debated whether punching him into his solar plexus was a great idea? Would he sense anything weird..? Like maybe you were a tiny bit offended and bitter about what he said? “So you’re saying yes?” he snapped back in a second.

“No, I said no!” you shook your head walking away from him.

“Y/n, come on!” he whined, making you wonder how badly in need of a pussy he was? “What if we’ll actually work out? Maybe we’ll click in an instance and date. She won’t bother you like that friend did.” he walked quickly right behind you.

“May-be.” you pointed out, showing two syllables with your hands. “I didn’t notice you click every time you meet her or talk to her before?”

“Okay, let me prove this to you.”

“Prove what?” you turned around, catching him by surprise.

“I’m sure we’ll date after this.” now they obviously would, you thought to yourself.

“That would be even worse.” You made a discussed face expression. “She’ll ask me things like ‘what Johnny likes to eat for breakfast? how does Johnny wipe his ass? do you know by any chance how he likes his dick sucked?’” you tried to imitate her voice.

“Wait, are you already hating on your best friend just because I said we’ll date?” he smirked and suddenly you felt like he was faking his drunkenness through the whole evening.

“I’m not hating, I just know how it goes. I’ve always been a friend of the handsome guy every girl wanted. You never were in my shoes, you never answered the same question 50 times a day. ‘Hi, I think I heard you’re friends with Johnny, d’you know by any chance if he has a girlfriend?’ She’s the only one that never asked about you! Don’t take that away from me! And as an added bonus, I don’t want to third wheel you two every day. You two are my best friends, that would be a hell party I don’t want to join.” you concluded.

“You made me join the hell party when you dated Taeyong!” he said sounding too high pitched.

“Oh excuse me?” you felt worked up in a click. “I dated Taeyong for a month, you saw him 5 times. It was the third time you met him when you worked out we were hanging out romantically, and on the 5th you decided it was great to make unfunny jokes about me. Poor guy left quicker than I could blink, and he wasn’t even someone you knew. You never spoke to him, except for that time you ruined everything, and you’re saying you were in hell?” vivid memories of the most embarrassing night in your life made your face get even redder than it already was.

“Not my problem the guy can’t work out what’s joke and what’s not. Anyway he had a weird face.”

“I liked him! I wasn’t suggesting for you to date him!” you fought back at the memories of your failed relationship. “I did like someone for the first time and you made it about you! I’m asking you just for this, to not ruin something I have. Something in life that’s mine and not ours or yours that I’m allowed to use.” you felt tears prickle your eyes, holding back. You hated the idea of fighting with Johnny, you hated the idea to fight with him over your best friend like that.

“Okay. I get it, I’m sorry, I’m selfish. I know I should care more about you, I’m the older brother, I’m sorry, I won’t do that.” he moved closer and hugged you, sliding his hands over your back.

“I’ll go home.” you said, not willing to hug him back.

“I’ll walk you.”

“Im fine.” you smiled awkwardly. “As long as you don’t sleep with Sieun, I’ll be fine.”

“Okay.” he nodded and rubbed your hair. “Text me when you’ll get home.”

“Yeah.” you nodded and he stood aside, allowing for you to walk out of the room, and then, out of the house. You needed the lonely walk, you needed to get fresh air in your system.

-

“So where are the stories? Why am I here and not listening to your sex experience of the week?” you stumbled over his shoes that were standing in front of his bed for some weird reason.

“Huh?” Johnny dropped his body on the bed.

“You’re sick? STD finally got you?“ You chuckled and sat next to him.

“Ha-ha, very funny.” he rolled his eyes.

“So there’s just no more girls in the radius of 40 kms that could agree?”

“Come on, drop it. I missed you.” his hand found your leg, caressing it’s lower part “We’re BBFs and you left me just like that! For a whole week? That’s just cruel.” he furrowed his eyebrows. “I hope the trip at least was fun.”

“It was! Family gatherings are cool when your step-uncle is a 29 year old super sexy college professor in literature with a cute face.” you grimaced a smile of pleasure.

“What!?!” he sat up next to you “The… what was his name again? That weird guy…? The one that went with books in his hand every day wherever he was? With glasses? Wasn’t he like unlikable?”

“Huh? Looking back, all of us were unlikable. I don’t get what’s with you disliking every male that’s around me. ” you shook your head “Plus, he changed, I haven’t seen him in a while. Technically we’re not even family anymore, I mean we’re not even blood related.”

“So you were fucking your not blood related family member who happens to be a bloody nerd, while I was here all by myself? Counting every day till you come back?! Crying on my own?” he held his palm to his heart, trying to look as if he was shot.

“First of all, he’s a super sexy nerd with a six pack. The glasses, if you’re interested, are giving him extra points! Second of all, he’s not family! He’s a very young brother of my moms ex-husband, she just happens to still keep in touch with him, that’s why he came. And no, I wasn’t fucking him.” a lame joke of ‘he fucked me’ came up in your head, but you held back “I… well I’d like to keep that private since you look like you’re about to bite my neck off!” you chuckled, punching him on his shoulder lightly. “And if you missed me… you could’ve at least given me a hug when I came!” you furrowed your eyebrows.

“But did YOU miss me? I mean, did you have time to miss me while you were doing god knows what with that guy.”

“Of course I did, didn’t you just say we’re BFFs!” Johnnys hand found your shoulders pulling you towards him and then on him, when he dropped his body onto the bed, making half of your body lay on top of him.

“Best friends forever.” he sang lowly while falling.

Your hands found his waist when you felt shivers on your back from the unexpected fall.

“So will you tell me?” he asked, moving you a little back from his body in a couple of minutes.

“Tell you what?” you let go of him, moving hair from your face.

“What happened between you and your uncle?”

“Fucking hell, don’t call him my uncle, it makes me want to throw up. He’s almost our age, just call him Jinyoung.”

“Oh, right, Jinyoung.” he said making venom spit out with his mouth.

“Not Jinyoung.” you imitated the tone of his voice. “Just Jinyoung.” you said normally, biting your cheek to hold back a smile.

“Oh my fucking god!“ Johnny pushed you to the other side of the bed. “You’re in love with your fucking uncle! I can’t believe I’m allowing a pervert to lay in my bed.” he tried to make a throwing up expression, pushing you away every time you tried to roll back to him. His room was cold at the end of the day, you needed your favourite human radiator.

“Stop saying he’s my uncle!” you laughed, trying to move back, but he grabbed your fingers with his, not letting you.

“So tell me how far did you two go? Is he fine with fucking his brothers ex-wife’s daughter? Is he as kinky as you are?” he chuckled but seemed serious.

“We didn’t fuck, please stop! Just maybe…” you almost began speaking, when he stopped moving, turning on a full on serious mode and making you shy. Johnny was the one to talk about his sex experiences, you weren’t a big fan of that.

“Maybe what?” his body hovered over you and you felt like you couldn’t breathe because of his heavy body against your stomach.

“I don’t want to talk about it in detail. You’re better at this!” you pushed him off you, taking a normal breath.

“You were just fine talking about in detail when that guy wanted ana…” you closed his mouth with your palm.

“There’s a big difference between wanting something and doing it! Plus I told you this when I was drunk!“

“But you did do it.” he smirked.

“Shut up!” you whined, feeling heat crawl over your face “I thought we agreed to never bring this up!”

“It’s just you and me, no one else heard of it anyway.”

“I’m getting cold sweats.”

“Why? Want to do it again? Or did Jinyoung do it? Getting cold sweats at the new memories?” he laughed.

“I knew if I’d just open my mouth you’ll bully the shit out of me.”

“I’m sorry, I just thought you trust me, I won’t force it.” he laid back down on his side of the bed.

“Okay.” you nodded your head, closing your eyes to rest after your little fight. “So were you crying every evening for real?”

“Dude, yes. Every time you ignored my messages for more than 3 minutes. At least now I know it wasn’t because you hated me, it’s because you were sucking your uncle’s dick.” he laughed loudly, making you jump up.

“You little shit!” you exclaimed, throwing a pillow onto his head, trying real hard to choke him.

“So you’re not saying you didn’t?” He was trying to fight back so you sat atop of his stomach, pushing onto it harder than before.

Phone ringing stopped your act, making your eyes land on the device. “Sieun” you read out loud. “Why Sieun is calling you?” you asked confused, finally realising that Johnny’s hands were holding onto your thighs.

“Fuck.” he exclaimed, letting go of you, throwing the pillow away, making you fall off him too in one swift motion. He picked up the phone and ran out of the room immediately.

What the fuck? You thought to yourself, debating if you should eavesdrop or not. Unfortunately, he came back much quicker than you expected, having his normal face expression.

“So…? Want to tell me why my best friend called you…? Or maybe since when you have her phone number…? Or maybe what you talked about that couldn’t be discussed in front of me…?” you asked all those questions getting flashbacks of the night three months ago when he asked you if he could sleep with her. “What the hell, Johnny?” you sat up on your knees, squinting your eyes.

“Oh, that, I can’t tell you.” he chuckled and booped your nose like you’re a puppy.

“My birthday gift..? You’re joining forces to set me a killer party?” he bit his cheek giving away that you guessed it right.

“I’m not saying.” he shook his head no, sitting on his bed.

“Okay, I’ll ask her.” you shrugged.

“Wait, so can you give me your new fuck friends phone number? I know you’d like to sit on his dick on your birthday.”

“Fuck. Off.” you sighed, closing your eyes with your hands.

“Oh, Y/n, I love you too.” he laughed, finally letting you breathe.

-

to: John

“did you find a girl you’ll fuck on Saturday?”

from: John

“I rarely find them prior.”

“Why?”

“You got someone?”

to: John

“It’s just that I’m going to take Sieun with us, she said she’ll probably bring a guy over…”

from: John

“she will?” his message came through quicker than the one you were typing.

to: John

“Oh Johnny, please don’t cry right in the middle of a club when you’ll see her with someone.”

“When I’ll die, I’ll write in my will that you can fuck her freely.”

from: John

“you want me to bring some1 just bc she’s bringing some1?”

to: John

“No, maybe I’ll bring someone too. I just kindly thought of you in advance.”

from: John

“do I know him?”

to: John

“not sure.”

from: John

“tell me the name?”

to: John

“you’ll see with your eyes in two days.”

“I can’t know every person you know.”

from: John

“k, I’ll think what can I do to not bother you.”

to: John

“you’re my otl how can you bother me TTTTTTT”

from: John

“bye!” you chuckled, throwing your phone to the side of your table, getting back to work.

-

“Looking good, Y/n!” Johnny said looking you up while you were walking towards him.

“You too.” you smiled at him, taking in his handsome face. Johnny’s casual partying attire was on - a shirt tucked into pants, hair perfectly styled yet, before he drinks enough to become an even bigger flirt than he already is.

“I see nothing worked out, you’re alone.” you sighed, looking around the entrance of the club.

“I see nothing worked out for you too?” he laughed but stopped when noticed you didn’t laugh with him.

“He’s just parking his car, I saw you lonely thought I’ll make you company.” you smiled, making your lips into a thin line.

“Okay okay, I’m excited to see the guy. A car, plus you’re all dressed up for him. Is his dick that big?” he asked suddenly, turning his head to you and waiting for your reply. You were about to punch him, swallowing a chuckle.

“Well, no one complained before so I guess you could say that.” you widened your eyes, looking behind Johnny. Jinyoung stood there invisible to your eyes for a couple of seconds due to their height differences.

“Huh?” Johnny turned around with a grin, wiping it off his face the second his eyes ran over Jinyoungs face. He probably recognised him. “Is that the person you said you’ll bring over?” you wondered how did he not get a whiplash from turning his head to you this quickly.

“Yeah.” you nodded shamefully, feeling bad for not telling him earlier.

“You’re Johnny, right? I remember you from when the both of you were so young and would hang out on the backyard of my parents house on the weekends every time they had those gatherings.”

“You weren’t much older, Jinyoung.” you chuckled, smiling like an idiot. You opened your eyes, seeing a question on Johnny’s face, wiping the smile away.

“Right.” he smiled at you and you stuck. Johnnys cough took you from Jinyoungs gaze.

“So you’re Jinyoung, the uncle? What happened in your life you ended up dating your niece?”

“I see you became the funny guy?” Jinyoung seemed unaffected with Johnny, you sighed, but still stared at him with a death glare, but he didn’t dare to look at you.

“We’re not dating, Johnny. He’s not my uncle too. I just invited him to hang out with us today since it turns out he lives not far from you.” you smiled kindly finally seeing Johnny’s eyes on you.

“But didn’t you…” you pinched his hand as soon as he opened his mouth, not letting him finish whatever sentence he was ready to say.

“I’ll kindly ask you to change the topic before I punch your teeth out.” you threatened, letting go of him, getting a light chuckle from Jinyoung.

“Okay, okay.” he rolled his eyes focusing on something. “Oh, Sieun, you’re finally here, thank god.” he sighed.

“Oh, you’re Jinyoung, right? Nice to meet you.” she bowed politely, looking over you three, shaking hands with Jinyoung.

“You know him?” Johnny asked confused.

“Well, Y/n told me.” she looked confused.

“You told her but didn’t tell me? How come she knows that you’re with him and I don’t?!” he furrowed his eyebrows, leaning closer to you, as if you weren’t able to hear him.

“Sieuna, where’s your friend?” you ignored him, asking.

“Oh, that, never mind, he dumped me.” she looked over at Johnny, probably asking him internally why was he alone too but he was too dumb to guess it.

“I think we can go? D’you know by any chance anyone in there?” you asked Johnny and turned to the entrance. Sieun and Johnny moved towards the entrance too. You wanted to turn around to see where Jinyoung was, feeling his fingers fall onto your waist the next second.

“I guess there could be someone inside I know.” Johnny turned around to you, lifting his arm to put over your neck like he usually did, noticing Jinyoungs hand on your waist. He tried to hide his awkwardness but couldn’t make it slide unnoticed by you. He scratched his neck with that hand, hiding it in the pocket the next moment.

-

“Excuse me, I need to tell you something.” Johnny chimed into your conversation with Jinyoung, grabbing your wrist and pulling you from him before you could even realise.

“Whats so urgent?” you pulled your hand form his hold, taking a step from him.

“When you were planning to tell me!?”

“Tell you what?”

“That you’re with him?”

“Maybe because I was expecting you saying dumb shit about him being my uncle?”

“But he fucking is!”

“He fucking was! And for how long? For three fucking years, when we were 10, how does that even count? You were ready to slide your hands down your cousins panties when she came to your family house after a glow up. And she is your blood related relative. Jinyoung is just a guy I like, that’s it, nothing mo…” he stopped you half way through the sentence.

“So you like him and all that?”

“Yes I do, what’s wrong with that?” you furrowed your eyebrows. Johnny’s eyes ran over the club, coming back to you.

“I don’t think he’s a great match to you.”

“Why?” you tried to hear him out at least.

“He seems to be the slug that fucks everyone that comes to his lectures in skirts above the knee.”

“Oh, Johnny, drop it, he’s not.”

“Did he tell you this?” he leaned in.

“No, I just know. He’s a nice person. He’s not into one night stands. If he was, he would’ve not reached out to me after we came back to city.”

“So you did sleep with him on that trip?”

“No, I meant that it’s fucked to have one time sex with someone you know.”

“Exactly. Don’t do dumb things.”

“It’s not one time, even if we’ll sleep with him.”

“So he likes you too and you’re already planning your little children?”

“I don’t know, he’s just nice. If something will happen, I’ll make sure you find out about it 4th.”

“Why 4th?”

“Sieun will have to hear about it before you.” you laughed and left him standing alone.

“What happened?” Jinyoung’s low voice and hot breath next to your ear made you shiver.

“Just typical Johnny.” you shook your head, trying to get the conversation out of your head.

“I’m surprised you two are still as unbreakable as ever.” he smiled and you felt your insides clench.

“I don’t want to talk about Johnny, let’s talk about you.” you tilted your head as if you were a curious puppy. He chuckled lowly and nodded.

“Okay.”

“Want a drink?” you suggested, moving your body closer to the edge of the seat, reaching out to a bottle that was standing there.

“I drove us here, remember?”

“Fuck.” you sighed, pouring dark liquid into the glass and then emptying it with one gulp. “So you’re the hot responsible guy?” you leaned in to him.

“Maybe.” he grinned, making you feel his hands on your waist and cheek.

“How did you end up being a professor?”

“I always liked literature and then it just happened. I thought you knew I liked books.” he moved you closer, breathing in your air. His hand slowly moved from your waist to your butt. You felt warmth spread over your body. You were ready to burn just from this.

“In fact I did know that.” you smiled and turned more to him, making him lean against the seat freely and caress your butt more. “Does every professor look like this or you’re the finest one?” you brushed your lips against his, he smirked, not replying. “If I’ll come over, promise to fuck me over your working table.”

“A suggestion I have to decline.” his fingers ran over your cheek making you shiver.

“Why?” you pouted.

“Responsibilities.” his eyes ran over your face.

“But will you fuck me in the bathroom of this club?”

“Okay.” he replied quickly, smashing his mouth against yours.

-

Jinyoungs hand gripped tightly onto you, walking you right to where he guessed was bathroom. Your eyes were pierced onto his back trying to contain your excitement. The door was surprisingly open, and he pulled you in there, locking it afterwards.

“You’re for real going to do it?” you bit your lip when you felt his fingers run through your collarbone.

“We’re going to do it.” he looked you in the eyes, walking towards you, making you hit the sink with your butt.

“What about responsibilities?” you asked, feeling his fingers on your butt. “What if your students are in here?” he sat you on the sink, placing himself between your legs. You ran your fingers down his chest, swiping them through his stomach, to get to his bulge. Flexing your fingers around him, you lifted your head up, noticing him watch your actions. “I wish the floor of this bathroom wasn’t this nasty, you’re missing out on the best head of your life.” you smiled, sliding your hand up and down.

His hand moved lower from your collarbone to your chest, forcing the dress you wore reveal one of your breasts in one quick motion. He squeezed it with his hand, staring you in the eyes. Your hand stroked him properly now and you were waiting for him to finally do something to you, feeling him harden under your touch. A knock on the door made you jump, while Jinyoung didn’t even flinch.

“Fuck, we’re short on time.” he said suddenly, letting go of you. His palm found yours, pulling you off the sink. “Turn around.” the commanding tone of his voice made you want to moan.

You did as he pleased, watching his actions in the mirror. His fingers moved lightly, leaving featherlight touches on your skin and moving your hair to one side. His lips left wet kisses on your shoulder, hugging your waist tightly with one hand, and playing with your nipple with the other. Your hips jerked against his, wishing to feel more of him. When his lips reached the crook of your neck, you moved your head to the side, giving him more access, but he refused, letting go of you completely. You opened your eyes, that you didn’t even realise you closed, to see him. You watched him squat behind you, feeling his hands run down your sides. Jinyoung disappeared from the mirror, only making you guess what he’ll do with his skin on yours. His fingers ran over the hem of your dress, sliding it up your butt, pushing with his fingers at the small of your back to bent you a little. You felt his mouth on your butt cheeks, kissing and licking, not even touching you properly and making you go crazy already. You tried to contain yourself feeling his fingers run behind material of your underwear, running them through your folds.

“Fuck, I thought I’ll need to make you wet, but you’re already.” he almost whispered but you still heard it, as if you suddenly got tunnel hearing just for him. His thumb slipped, making three light moves over your clit and leaving you disappointed. You were trying to remember the last time you were turned on like that in the bathroom of a club, or turned on like that at all.

You felt him stand up behind you, finally seeing him in the mirror again. His hands caressed your butt once more, hooking his fingers over your underwear and pulling it down. Helping you to get out of it, you watched him put it in the back pocket of his jeans. Your eyes were pierced to his concentrated face, you thought suddenly that he looked like he was in the middle of a lecture. You could hear his zipper getting undone, hearing the so familiar sound of a condom packaging. You bit your lip thinking how he planned to get inside of you tonight too.

“No need in this.” you spoke, catching his eyes in the reflection.

“Okay.” he nodded and pulled you against his body, making you feel his cock press against your skin. You suddenly felt like you could come just from this. “Should I ask you if you’re clean? You seem too comfortable in this position in a clubs bathroom.”

“Are you trying to accuse me in being a slut?” you whispered into his mouth, pumping his cock, trying to bend your neck enough to kiss him.

“I’m just trying to be responsible.” he craned his neck, slipping his tongue into your mouth.

“I wouldn’t lie to a family member if I had STDs.” you joked suddenly and felt his hand slide to rub your clit.

“Fuck you.” he whispered.

“Yes, please, do that.” you moaned, guiding his cock to your entrance. You had to let go of him, bending over the sink and making more space between your legs for him.

You felt him against your entrance, sliding the tip of his cock up and down against you, finally slipping inside of you a little to adjust. You moved your butt in a moment, telling him to get deeper, telling him to move. You felt his hand on your shoulder blade, gripping and you felt him go deep. You felt him fill you up too perfectly for it to actually be true.

“Fuck.” you sighed.

“I know.” he moved back only to make his hips slap against yours the next second. When it seemed like you were fine with the movement, he began doing it again and again, finding his own pace and rhythm. You found it overwhelming but giving the circumstances you knew he had to get it off quickly, he already took too long before fucking you for a bathroom quickie. His hand moved to your neck, making your head get up to see him in the mirror. You could see his eyes get darker and you could see a little droplet of sweat form between his brows. He was so focused on your lower back, or you guessed he was focused on where your bodies connected. His other hand found your throbbing clit, working magic on it while his other hand pulled your body a bit up. The new angle made a loud moan escape your throat. The feelings this new position made you feel were overwhelming, you felt like he began moving his hips even quicker, making you wonder if he could rip something inside of you if he’d go just a tiny bit quicker. He felt too thick and too exciting to take in your mouth, you suddenly thought.

“Fuck, Jinyoung, make me cum.” you moaned when he bottomed out, slowing for a moment, before his hips began slapping against yours loudly.

Jinyoungs hand moved your body against his, holding you by the waist. His chin rested against your neck, making you focus your vision on your reflection, seeing his eyes being focused on your breasts. His hair became wet from sweat over his hairline and you were about to cum just from the way he stared at you. You felt him find the right spot, twitching in his arms like a crazy worm.

“Fuck, Jinyoung, fuck, yes, don’t stop.” your hand hooked over his neck giving you more support against his body. He moved his finger, you felt like on purpose, making you lose the built up orgasm.

Another knock on the door made you shiver. “Fuck off.” Jinyoung whispered under his breath. You felt his hips begin to lose rhythm, feeling his hand get back to the spot that made you see stars.

Your free hand grabbed onto his hand, pressing it harder against your clit. You cried out loud, feeling too overwhelmed and clenching over him uncontrollably, moving his hand away from your clit, being surprised at how easily he obeyed. You felt him cum inside of you, gripping onto your breast so harshly you knew you’d see a full handprint of his on it tomorrow. His hips jerked couple more times, before his high left him, getting his hand back over you. He didn’t slip out of you, making you move your hips all over, while he was rubbing his fingers against you. Your hand was holding onto his palm so tightly you wondered how could he still move it. You squeezed your eyes, but his teeth bit your shoulder.

“Look me in the eyes.” he said simply and you put everything in you to do as he pleased.

“Fuck, Jinyoung, I can’t, I can’t anymore.” you cried, bending your knees and clenching over his, now soft, cock.

“Then cum.”

“I want kisses.” you moaned and felt his lips on your neck for a slight second. You opened your eyes wider when you realised he teased. “One more, please, I need it.” you cried when you felt the wave of heat run through your body before he could even place his lips against your neck. He watched you calm down for what felt like forever, finally leaving you empty and putting his pants back on. He moved so smoothly you wondered how many times he did that in his life, being the one to accuse you in being too comfortable. His hands turned you around, reaching out to the toilet paper that thankfully was there. He helped you clean up, sliding your dress back down your legs, and putting it over your chest. His fingers quickly slipped between yours, making your heart flutter. Before he only held your hand, not intertwining your fingers. He turned around, reaching out to the lock on the door.

“Wait, my underwear?” you pulled him towards you but he didn’t stop, quickly opening the door to a couple swearing at you for taking forever. “Jinyoung?” you pulled onto his hand again, him walking you now not towards where you left from, but some weird dark corner.

His body hovered over you, running his fingers over your hands.

“What?” he looked at you and pecked your lips suddenly.

“Won’t you give it back?” your hands ran over his shoulders, hugging his neck.

“No.” he shook his head cutely.

“Why?”

“If you’ll have it on, how am I going to do this?” he asked as if he genuinely wondered, moving his fingers past the hem of your dress, and diving his fingers between your folds. You felt arousal immediately.

“Please.”

“What?”

“Make me cum again.” you moved your face closer to his, sucking on his tongue.

“Right here?” he asked, running his thumb over your clit.

“Yes.” you moaned into his mouth, feeling his other hand slide down to hold on to the hem of your dress.

You appreciated the gesture, making sure you’re not showing off your private parts to the whole club. His fingers rubbed against you before he felt you cum, and his tongue licked through your mouth before he could feel your breath get to normal.

“What do I look like?” you asked him, feeling your face burn and knowing you’re probably a mess.

“Sexy.” he said quickly, running his eyes over your face and tugging you to walk back behind him.

Johnny sat on the seat you left all by himself.

“Where have you been? I looked everywhere for you.” he probably recognised you by your legs, raising his head and stopping his talking. “What’s up with you? Did you fuck in the bathroom?” he made a face as if you told him you ate dog shit.

“Huh? No, I was just dancing. He wouldn’t do that anyway, he’s too responsible.” you looked over at Jinyoung, sitting yourself next to Johnny cross-legged, feeling Jinyoungs palm rest against your knee the next second.

-

“Thank god, I thought you were dead.” Johnny was loud for the after party morning. He walked quickly through the door, placing himself on your barstool. “Why you opened the door so slowly?” he turned around, noticing you barely walk back to him. Your entire existence felt sore, though you would lie if you’d say it wasn’t the type of sore you liked. Vivid images of Jinyoung making you cum three more times in your bed last night made your ears turn the darkest shade of pink. “You’re okay?” Johnny asked worriedly, when you finally made it to him.

“Yeah, totally.” you nodded enthusiastically, sitting yourself on the stool next to him and jumping back up immediately “I’ll get myself water, do you want some?” a lame excuse was the only thing that came into your mind.

“No, I’m fine.” he said and you nodded, filling up the glass. “You left so quickly yesterday and didn’t even tell me.” he watched you walk back to him. “Wait, I think water’s running in the bathroom?” Johnny’s hand pointed towards the room.

“Yeah, Jinyoung’s in there.” you nodded and sipped on your drink, resting your elbows against the bar to not sit.

“He’s…? You let him stay…?”

“Yeah…? Why are you so surprised?” you furrowed your eyebrows.

“I’m actually surprised from yesterday. Since you invited him, then disappeared to “dance”” he drew fake brackets in the air with his fingers, “and then just disappeared? And now he’s here and you didn’t make him leave the second he came.”

“Maybe the issue’s that he didn’t cum?” you chuckled, knowing too damn well he did. “You know, life’s more than sex. We were discussing books and things, you know I can read and speak.” you drank “Can you?” you stared at him, having his eyes pierced back at you. “Guess you not.” you chuckled seeing Johnnys eyes run down your face.

“Yeah, marks on you make me believe for sure you were discussing books.” he chuckled and seemed annoyed. You wanted to jump up to him and hug his neck until he stopped being annoyed and grumpy, but you heard foot steps and the both of you turned to look at Jinyoung.

Oh god, did he have to be this mind blowing?

He walked out with his hair wet and brushed back from the shower he took, white shirt in his fist, torso on full display for you and Johnny to see, showing off every mark you left on him yesterday in agony. Even though he clearly used the towel, his abs still glistened a little with water and you were ready to jump up on him right then and there. He noticed Johnny and didn’t even flinch, putting the shirt on.

“Hi.” he spoke to Johnny, walking over to you. “Do you live together?” Jinyoung asked you and sat on the stool that was meant to be yours.

“No, he just came to…actually why you came?” you turned your head to Johnny, straightening your back. Jinyoung placed his hand on the low of your back, allowing for you to lean against him.

“I called and texted, you never replied. I had to check if you were at least alive.”

“I am, barely, but I am.” you giggled, feeling Jinyoungs fingers run down the back of your leg.

“Hm…” Johnny‘s eyes ran over the room, stopping on Jinyoung, that calmly took your glass of water and drank from it. “I actually wanted to talk.” you knew he wanted for Jinyoung to leave, but you wanted the opposite.

“Call me later, I’ll tell when I’m free.” You nodded, expecting for him to get up to leave, but he just kept looking at Jinyoung.

“Actually, I’ll leave.” you heard Jinyoungs voice next to your ear, turning your head to face him.

“No, stay.” you whined and felt dumb for doing it in front of Johnny.

“No, but I really have to go, I have to prepare…for work.” he paused before finishing the sentence.

“You wanted to say lecture?” you chuckled and he nodded. “Sexy.” you leaned in, whispering into his lips before kissing him quickly. Johnny sighed so loudly you thought you were deafened by it. “I can make you coffee and then you’ll go.”

“It’s okay.” Jinyoung smiled and let go of you, getting back to your room.

“You can make me coffee.” Johnny chimed in, raising his hand.

“Do it yourself.” you rolled your eyes, sitting on the stool and closing your eyes in pain afterwards.

Johnny actually stood up, getting himself a cup and starting the machine that was standing on the counter.

“You want one?”

“Yeah, thanks.” you nodded, seeing Jinyoung come out again fully dressed.

You made a sad face, extending your hands to him, as he walked. His hand grabbed yours, walking you to the exit of your own apartment. You watched him put his shoes on, chewing onto your lip the whole time.

You heard Johnny turn the machine on, making everything that you said unheard for him.

“I will miss you.” you sighed and rubbed his hair lightly while he squatted, finishing lacing his second shoe.

“Me too.” he smiled and stood up. “I’ll call.” you nodded, expanding your hands to hug him. Jinyoung leaned in, hugging you by your shoulder blades.

“But honestly.” you whispered into his ear, wondering if you should tell him this or not. He wasn’t the first one to wake up in your bed and never see you ever again. You knew better than falling in love with someone just after this. Yes, you knew him for ages, and yes, he did message you before this for a week and even before that, back at your family trip last month, he did seem like he was interested for more than a make out, but you still didn’t want to cross boundaries just in case. You’ve met a dozen of flirtatious guys that never had any intentions other than fucking. And Jinyoung, he never even spoke about your relationship, friendship or whatever it was. There still was a chance he wanted to be maybe fuck buddies? You knew better than falling in love with someone just after sex at the club, but knowing better didn’t mean not doing it. You were already head over heals for him the second his tongue ran over your pulse point in the hotel last month. And all of this, it only made you more excited and hopeful. “If you thought of this as a great opportunity to just hook up, you can tell me freely, I’m totally fine with it.” you chuckled, trying to sound careless. For the first time in your life you were trying to be what you usually were, when you’d not care at all what the guy was about to tell you.

“But did you?” he moved back, looking you in the eyes. You bit onto your lower lip, staring him in the eyes quietly. “I didn’t.” he said and leaned in to savour the taste of your lips.

“I didn’t too.” you found it important to let him know, leaning back in to kiss him one more time.

“Bye.” his thumb ran over your cheek, pecking the corner of your lips.

“Bye.” you smiled and felt him let go of you and actually leave your apartment.

-

“And we’ll never hear of him again.” Johnny chuckled as you walked back into the kitchen.

“Huh?”

“Your dear uncle Jinyoung, poor guy don’t know how you do them.” he grinned widely and moved the cup of coffee closer to you.

“And how I do them?” you genuinely wanted to hear it, skipping the dumb joke he made.

“Make them drool, make them cum, make them leave.” three simple steps that seemed amusing to Johnny. Hearing about it like that made you feel bad.

“Doesn’t it remind you of someone?” you sipped on the drink he made.

“No…?” he seemed to be really thinking hard about it. “Who?”

“You, Johnny. Don’t you remember how you told me sex with no commitment is the best thing on earth. How you poured vodka into my cup and made me sleep with a guy that I didn’t even know of, but could never forget now. His name is Sungjae, I’m not sure he even remembers me now, or remembered me the next morning, but I do remember him, because he is someone that took my virginity. And every time, for my entire life, when I was in girls company, I’d listen to romantic stories of them losing their virginity to their first boyfriends, while my story consist of ‘my best friend told me when I turned 17 that being a virgin at my age is shameful and I had to fuck someone as soon as possible, he brought a guy he kind of knew to the party, told him to do the deal, and poured vodka into my cup. I don’t remember much, but I didn’t feel turned on even a little, the guy was meant to be a sex pro but acted more like a fucking stick. It wasn’t just pain from the first time, it was torture in general, that lasted what felt like 30 seconds, I don’t even know who took who’s virginity, and then he came, threw up and passed out. I woke up in my best friends bed the next day to a specially prepared cake that said ‘welcome to the slut club’ and got a pep talk on how to fuck with no feelings as a bonus birthday gift. End of story.” you clapped your hands.

“Don’t say it like it’s the worst thing that happened in your life? Yes, maybe I did fuck up with the guy, but I wanted the best for you.”

“Johnny, nothings shameful with being a virgin at 17, if I never listened, maybe I would’ve loved someone or was loved by someone by now. But now I’ve been it this slut club for 10 years and never even felt love? No one loved me, no one had sex with me because they liked me for real, no one ever talked to me? It all happened afterwards, after they made me choke on their dick, they would go suddenly ‘you’re the best head, want to date?’ Who the fuck suggests to date like that? Only sick pricks, and sick pricks is everything you’re able to get at the club.”

“Why are we having this conversation suddenly?” Johnny gulped. “I thought you were satisfied with your life? Is that him? Did he tell you something?”

“No, Johnny, it’s scarier, he made me feel something, and I don’t want him to act the way I usually do.” you shook your head, trying to stop yourself. “So how did your evening go?” you opened your eyes wider, trying to smile.

“No, wait, let’s talk about you, did he tell you something…?”

“No.”

“Good.” he nodded as if he was relieved.

“Why you never want me to be happy?” you felt lost.

“I meant something like it was a one time thing, come on, I’m not that mean.”

“No, he said it isn’t. I believe him.” you sighed and stared into nothing.

“Okay…”

“So what’s up with you?” you moved your eyes back to him.

“I left with Sieun, the taxi driver drove to hers and then mine, I just went to bed.” you nodded at his words, not really listening. “There’s a party tomorrow, I know you’d like to go. There’s this guy I told you about, he’ll come, I know for sure you’ll get along with him.”

“No, I won’t come.”

“Why? Oh, you can not reply. Your professor, right?” he chuckled.

“Yes.”

“So you’re not going to sleep with anyone and wait for his call? I’m sure he won’t call you, don’t act like a fool. Aren’t we way past getting attached after sex?”

“I want to be attached. I want to be obsessed and I want to call you crying and I want to stay faithful to him even if you think it’s silly and he don’t even need it. I want all of it because I want all of him. Johnny.” you stood up, running over to your best friend, and hugging his waist, resting your head on his chest. “I love him.” you sighed into his chest, hugging his waist tightly but imagining in your head it was Jinyoung. “I’m crazily in love with him, let’s pray he at least likes me?” you moved your head back up to look Johnny in the eyes.

“Yes, let’s hope he at least likes you.” he chuckled but it sounded too forced, pushing you to lay your head against him once again.

-

“Nice seeing you.” Jinyoung grinned, watching you walk towards him.

“It’s a pleasure, professor.” you curtsied, chuckling, and felt his hand over your neck, pulling you in for a hug.

“Love seeing you in a good mood.” he chuckled.

“I’m freezing.” you so should’ve worn the sweater you debated and decided not to. Autumn vibes were spreading over the city, turning leaves yellow. “Why did you have to ask me out this late?” you moved back to see his eyes.

“I’m sorry, I had lectures till late today, but really wanted to see you anyway.”

“Okay, forgiven.” you chuckled.

“Suddenly?”

“Well, because lectures being the reason you couldn’t see me earlier is sexy. And maybe because I like the idea of you wanting to see me no matter what.” you bent your neck to the side, smiling at him. “But I’m cold so if you wanted to fuck you need to move before I freeze to death.” you bit your lip, feeling his eyes run over your face. Since that night at the club, he did invite you over to his place on multiple occasions.

He didn’t lie saying he’ll call, and he did so the next evening and talked to you for hours. In all those years you never heard Jinyoung talk as much as he did that evening, and then he called another day, asked you to come over and fucked you like no one ever did. Since back then he’d ask you over more nights than not, always ending the evening inside of you. You’d spend evenings staring at your phone in hopes of seeing his texts.

/“Oh, shit. It’s already 10, I have to run back home. I’m sorry John.” you pouted and stood up.

“Huh?” he looked genuinely surprised. “Since when ten is time to run back home?” he sat up after your body weight stopped pressing him down to the couch.

“I just thought of starting running before work, I have to at least try, once.” you giggled, lowering your eyes onto the phone, where the message by Jinyoung was eating you alive ‘want to see me?’.

“Okay.” Johnny stood up and you blocked your phone immediately. “Let me know if you’ll fail.” he chuckled and walked you out./

“It’s actually not that.” light smile ran over his lips and he let go of you. “I just wanted to see you.”

“No sex?” you tried to not sound too surprised. Through the month he never spoke once about the relationship you had or tried to name it, he made it very physical, calling you over only to get inside of you. You knew you put yourself in a hard position, running to him after a single message, always making time for him and dropping everything there is to drop just to see him. You loved the idea of spending nights in his arms. You loved the idea of feeling his arms wrapped around your waist at nights, and you loved him. The more distant he acted in the morning, the more tears you dropped onto your pillow that night. You hated the fact you were falling for him and he liked it because it was just sex for him. You hated how you woke up before him, just to stare at his sleeping face, you hated how you told yourself you won’t come again, but then was at his door 15 minutes after his message. You hated yourself for having mental block for sharing your feelings. You wished you could just tell him you liked him and see his reaction. You hated how he’d ask you jokingly with how many other guys you had sex this week and you’d always tell him a random number instead of shoving your pride up your ass and telling him he’s the only one you’re seeing. You were scared to tell him that because you were scared he’d tell you something like ‘I’m sorry, but I do sleep with other girls actually.’

“I can’t see you without sex?” his hand held your freezing one, hiding it in his jackets pocket.

“You just never did.”

“Well, today I wanted to just take a walk with you, but I guess you never heard of weather forecasts and don’t know how to pick clothes according to weather.”

“Don’t be a grumpy granddad.” you hugged his arm that he hid in the pocket.

“I’m not, it’s just that the one time I tried ,you couldn’t wear proper clothes.”

“Tried what?” it felt like your legs turned into jelly, did he try to tell you he tried to take you out… a date?

“Tried to not act like an ungrateful dickhead that only needs sex.” disappointment spread over your body.

“It’s fine though, it’s not like I’m not used to this type of relationship.” you sighed and felt the urge to go home.

“Yeah, that’s something I wanted to talk with you about.”

“Yeah…?”

“Our relationship, we need to talk about it, since you know, we never did…?”

“Okay…” he kept on walking, staring into the darkness of the street.

“I don’t want to talk about it while you’re turning into a frozen figure.” he chuckled. “Want to go somewhere?” he finally turned to face you.

“I didn’t actually think you’ll take me anywhere except for your bed… I’m not looking good to go anywhere. We can have this conversation another time.” you stopped walking, forcing for him to stop in front of you. You leaned in, trying to feel his lips on yours.

“No, but I really wanted to talk about it. I can say it right here too.” you stood back straight. Feeling fear spread over your body, suddenly making your entire body feel too warm. “I wanted to tell you this way back then, but was kind of… scared?” his eyes ran all over.

“You have a wife and three little kids? And I was your mistress this whole time?” you giggled and internally slapped yourself for making that joke.

“No, please be serious for at least once.” his eyes finally focused on yours and you were about to burn alive.

“I’m sorry.” you said silently.

“I know, you’re not into this type of thing, I’m probably asking for too much and we never discussed this before, we actually never discussed our relationship at all, but I wanted to ask you to not sleep with anyone else if you’re sleeping with me.” he sounded too stressed and insecure. You were about to vomit because him saying that it’s too much to ask, him thinking you’re not ‘into this type of thing’ was so wrong.

“I’m not sleeping with anyone else, I like you too much, I want to be with you.” you tried to say but everything that came out of your throat was a loud sigh.

“Is that a no?” he added.

“I… Like being exclusive friends with benefits?” you asked.

“I know I shouldn’t be asking, I know I’m just one of the guys you sleep with, but…” he coughed and paused. You wondered if his heart was beating as fast as yours. You could practically hear it in your ears. There were two options of what he could say, one would make you cry happily and the other one would just make you cry. You felt his warm fingers find yours, intertwining them. His eyes pierced into yours that began watering from intense staring. “I don’t want you sleeping with anyone else but me. I’m not sleeping with anyone but you. I don’t want to force you into a relationship, I don’t want to scare you away with commitments and asking you to be more than that. If you’ll give me at least that, I might be able to contain myself and go on.”

“But I’m not scared of commitment?” you blinked multiple times, feeling tears pinching your nose.

“You’re not?” he asked confused and you nodded your head no. “Then…but why…? Huh?” his eyes ran over your face in confusion. “Please tell me I understood you right and you will be my girlfriend?” fear spread over his eyes while he waited for your reply.

You let go of his hands, pausing just for a second, before you wrapped your hands around his neck and forced him to lean in. You nodded your head, intertwining your lips in the softest kiss possible.

“Wait.” he pulled you back. “I want to hear it.”

“I will be your girlfriend.” you chuckled and wiped your tears, pulling him in again. He kissed you back, letting go of you quickly.

“I have to take care of my girlfriend now, let’s go back home, I don’t want you to get sick on the first day of our relationship.” he pecked your lips, grabbing your hand in his and beginning to run towards your house. You had to run with him, feeling like a squeezed lemon by the time you reached your apartment.

“It feels so nice.” Jinyoung murmured, rubbing his cheek against the skin of your chest.

“What feels nice?” you chuckled.

“Just laying in bed with you after work, not pretending I want sex.” his lips left a tiny kiss on your skin.

“So you just pretended?” you chuckled and ran your fingers over his hair.

“First of all I just wanted to see you, and then, after you began stroking me, I obviously wanted you too. You’re a great seducer.” he lifted his head, rolling over to his back and pulling you on top of him.

“Don’t tell me you asked me to be with you just because of that.” you furrowed your eyebrows.

“No, why?”

“Wanting to date due to sex related things is lame.”

“I wanted to be with you before I had sex with you.”

“But after you made me cum at the trip?” you chuckled.

“Maybe before that…?” he smiled.

“Since I was a little girl in your backyard? You pervert.” you laughed and kissed him.

“Maybe a bit later.” he laughed.

“I wanted to be with you since I saw your cock.” your hand ran over his stomach.

“Wanting to date due to sex related things is lame though?” he repeated your words.

“It’s not sex, it’s my imagination. I just imagined it in my mouth and since then I knew it’s the only one I want to suck on.”

“Disgusting.” his face expression changed.

“You’re the first guy that finds discussions of me sucking him off disgusting.”

“Not the discussion, the fact I thought there was something more than that and was wrong.” he moved you to the side, turning his back to you, hiding his entire body under your blanket.

“Jinyoung.” you whined. “Turn around.” you crawled half of your body over his and hugged him. “There is more.” you sighed, moving the blanket off his shoulders. Resting your head against his neck and cheek, you began speaking again. “I like that you’re smart, but still funny. I love how you can be a grumpy granddad and then act like a little boy three second later. I love your confidence in everything you do, I love how calm you are, and how excited you make me with everything you do. I love that you’re a professor in literature, I love the shape of your lips and I love the whiskers on your face when you smile after I said something dumb. I love that you care more about me than anyone else ever did. I love the fact you want to be with me. I love the idea of you being the first guy that seem to be interested in me for the first time in my entire life, even though I’m this old you are the first one. And I love the fact that I can put my guard done with you, but it’s still not working out completely for me. I’m scared but I’m trying, I’m sorry in advance I’ll say dumb things like what I just said about sucking you off. I have to get used that it’s not the only thing you want from me, I’m sorry about that. I like you, very much. I don’t know why I told you I slept with other guys too, but I didn’t. Ever since we slept for the first time, the only place I went to was Johnny’s, we only watched TV and then I went back home. I never wanted anyone since I had you because I really really liked you. And even if you say it’s dumb, on top of everything, I find you caring for me sexy, you’re sexy, even if you’re annoyed by that I have to tell you I find you that.” you stopped and waited for any reaction from him. He probably waited to make sure you were done, turning around. He hovered over you for real this time, pressing you down into your bed.

“I don’t know what was going on in your life this whole time, but now you’re my baby, you never have to hide your feelings, you never have to play pretend and act like a fool. I like you no matter what and will take everything and anything you have in store for me. I love you, you’re my human now.” he leaned in and kissed you. You hugged his neck tightly, not willing to let go of him “But you so should’ve not acted like you sleep with anyone else, your words really made me think I meant nothing to you.” he stared at you and kissed again.

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t know if you slept with anyone else too.”

“We’re dumbheads.” he chuckled.

“Yeah, and you’re professor here.” he rolled his eyes and kissed you softly again. “Can you say that again?”

“What?” he asked confused.

“What you said about me?”

“That you’re my human?” you shook you’re head ‘no’. “That you’re my baby?” you grinned widely, looking like a satisfied cat and nodded. “You’re my baby.” he said and you felt your heart flutter.

“Is it okay I’ll ask you to say it every five minutes?” you chuckled.

“Yes baby.”

“Fuck.” you sighed, feeling warmth spread over your body.

“What?”

“It’s the best feeling I ever felt.” you smiled, rubbing your cheek against his.

“What, even better than when I make you cum?” he chuckled and you slapped his shoulder.

“I thought no more sex related jokes.”

“But I’m not joking, I’m asking for scientific reasons.”

“Maybe on the same level.” you smiled and bit your lip.

“Noted.” he chuckled.

-

“It’s fine, I’ll be quick.” you smiled at him, grabbing his hands in yours to unwrap him from you.

“You’re very pretty in this dress.” he didn’t let go of you, pecking your neck lightly.

“Thank you.” you swallowed.

“Where’s the shop?” he asked curiously and turned you around in his hands.

“It’s a 20 minute drive, not that far.”

“Okay.” he smiled at you and pressed his lips against yours. “Want to have the dinner out?”

“I thought to go for a walk in the evening.” you said calmly.

“Jun called me I thought we could go hang out today.” his thumb caressed your cheek.

“You can go for the both of us?”

“He said I should bring you too. Everyone misses you, you haven’t been out in forever.”

“I’m not in the mood lately, huh.” you chuckled and both Johnny’s hands moved to your cheeks.

“I feel like you’ve been doing much better.”

“If you’re saying so…” you smirked and looked him in the eyes.

“We’ll go?” he asked hopefully.

“J…” you stuttered and gulped loudly “Baby, you can go if you really want to, I won’t mind. I’ll wait for you here.” you smiled and pressed a kiss in the corner of his lips.

“It looks like your doing even better know, huh?”

“Maybe it’s you.” you smiled and ran your fingers up his chest playfully.

“What’s gotten into you? Maybe we’ll be fine without those flowers? I know something we could do.” he smirked and lowered his hands down to your waist and lower, where you caught them and finally made him let go of you.

“No, I’ll go. I planned this already, look at this floral dress.” you twirled in front of him. “It’s themed.” you smiled at him and felt like you couldn’t wait any longer to get out of here. Johnny laughed at you sweetly and let you go, watching you put your shoes on and leave.

You took a deep breath, feeling like it’s the first time in a year you left the house in the daytime for just a walk. You looked around, watching people pass you by with their dogs on the lead. You began walking, feeling the warmth of the sun heat your shoulders and the top of your head. You wished you had a friend you could call, ask them to meet you and take a walk together, or at least just chat or send a pic of this weather to, but the only contact in your phone that still was reachable was Johnny’s and your moms. You missed texting with Jinyoung, you missed texting Sieun. You could only wonder why she stopped talking to you. This made you feel completely isolated from the world. You couldn’t help but wonder why would Jinyoung not sent even a single message. You just wanted to see his name light up on your screen. Or Sieun’s, she was a real friend, you felt like she was,but it turned out she didn’t think the same way. You just couldn’t work out why’d she disappear at the time you needed her most. The crosswalk you used to pass looked different now, and you had to fish your phone out of your purse to check if you were going in the right direction. Turning the map in the app around with your fingers, you made sure you were going the right way. Raising your head up to cross the road you noticed that there were only 10 seconds left to cross it. Not willing to wait for another green light, you began running, trying to put the phone back at the same time.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” you said quickly, not raising your eyes and finally placing the phone back to its place.

You looked up, finally seeing the designated flower shop in front of you. You walked quicker, opening the door of the shop. The smell of freshness and sweetness made your heart sing. Your eyes set on a big bunch of lisianthus the moment you entered the building.

“Hi! It’s nice seeing you again, I thought you moved somewhere else. You haven’t visited us in like what? A year? We’re you away?” a lady that always worked there greeted you happily. You almost forgot you used to see her every weekend there and would have the loveliest chats when you’d buy flowers for both yours and Jinyoung’s apartments. Jinyoung, the thoughts of him were haunting you all the time. This, and endless plans on how you could avoid Johnny, make him feel like everything’s fine, make sure he believes you two are good.

“Oh, yeah, I… Live was busy and now I finally made time to visit you. You’re the best flower shop, I was really missing it.” you smiled politely.

“Set your eyes on anything?” the lady asked.

“No, want to look around, see what you have.”

“Okay, just call me when you’ll need whatever.” she smiled and you bowed, turning around to walk around the flowers.

Looking around you tried to think what would look good, what would fit in that place. What would make the apartment you grew to hate more likeable to you.

Your eyes raised at the mirror, looking at your own reflection that looked rather pathetic. You wondered how Johnny could even want you. Probably, out of pity, you guessed. Your eyes reflected a deer in the headlights and you wondered when did you start to look so fearful. Your eyes lowered to your hands, realising that your left hand was scratching nervously your right forearm. You made yourself stop, only to work out you scratched subconsciously part of your skin Johnny touched. You could still feel his fingerprints on your cheeks, you could still feel his hands on your hips, how he held you in place, while his hips were slapping against yours. You could still feel his fingers all over you, when you didn’t want him to do it, when you told him not to. You found wet wipes in your bag, wiping your cheeks quickly, trying not to scratch them too harshly to not leave red stains. You could feel the panic attack arise, something, you never suffered from before, but now, was something you gotten used to feel right after your thoughts drifted towards Johnny.

Your eyes shifted to flowers, taking two deep breaths, you walked forward just to take anything.

“Excuse me, I think I made my choice.” you smiled and pointed at the random bunch of flowers. The lady ran to you quickly, helping you with flowers.

“You used to buy the same bunch of flowers often.” she smiled and you moved your eyes to see what you actually picked. Chrysanths - you’d buy them often to place in the big vase in Jinyoung’s bedroom.

You said your goodbyes and took the flowers in the paper wrapping, hiding your face in them to smell.

“Are these for me?” you heard a familiar voice when your free hand opened the door.

“J…Jinyoung?” you whispered breathlessly. Tears prickled your eyes quickly at a single sight of him. He stood there as if it’s been a day since you saw him, not a year.

“Y/n.” he smiled at you widely and you froze.

“H-how?” he stood in front of the shop as if he was waiting for you there. “How’d you know I’ll be here?” you asked confused, finally walking down the steps and standing in front of him, but a couple of steps away on purpose, to not sink into his smell.

“I didn’t.” he smiled constantly, punching air out of your lungs. “You bumped into me at the crossroad and didn’t even notice. I walked behind you to say hi, but you were quick and entered this shop quickly, I thought I’ll wait for you. I… I’ve been trying to see you for a year and then when I gave up you bumped into me on the street.” he sighed amazed. “I just thought maybe you’ll want to see me too, I mean, we… You…” he paused and you listened carefully. You just wanted for him to say he loved you. At least, back in the beginning. You wanted to hear anything that would make you feel better about your being, but he closed his mouth. “I missed you. If you want to, we can get coffee and catch up with our lives.” you blinked slowly, wondering if you began glitching. “Are you okay?” he took a step closer to you. “You seem… tired?”

“Yeah… yeah, I’m fine. I just… I can’t believe… you’re here and…” You began mumbling.

“If you want to, you can give me your new phone number and we’ll meet up another day.” Jinyoung suggested quickly.

“No, no, we can go right now.” you said and he nodded.

“There’s a cafe over there, it’s the closest one.”

“Okay.” you nodded and walked behind him.

Behind Jinyoung, you were walking behind Jinyoung. You felt like you were on the verge of death and now when you were delirious you were seeing things you wanted to see the most. Your fingers held onto the flowers so tightly you probably broke all of them, but you didn’t care. You cared for nothing, you were right next to Jinyoung and the only thing you could focus on was him. Him, and all the strength and power you put in to not touch him.

“I…What did you mean with the new number? My phone number is still the same.” you wanted to add that you’d never change it so he’d be able to text, but you thought it’s better to keep it to yourself for now.

“I texted you every day, called you, none of it ever came through.”

“You did?” you had to look up to not to cry.

“Of course I did, how could I not?” he looked at you and you just knew he was sincere. It became hard to walk at the same pace with him now. “Can I… can I see your phone? I think I know what’s up.” he said and stood at the cross walk, waiting for the red light to turn green.

“Yeah, you can.” you nodded quickly and got your phone in his hand, feeling the tips of his fingers brush against your palm. You shivered and stared at his face that now was staring into your phone. You didn’t need to look in there, whatever he was doing, you trusted him completely.

“I see.” he looked at you and gave the phone back. “You had me blocked.”

“I…I didn’t? Why would I block you?” you asked confused, when the light turned green and the both of you began walking.

Johnny, you thought to yourself. The first bullet was shot.

-

“You didn’t change at all.” his eyes ran over your face quickly.

“No I did, but you… you’re still the same.” your eyes kept focused on his, trying to not obviously check him out.

“What changed in you?” he smiled and moved in his seat to lean in to you.

“I…I’m probably even more messed up than I used to be…” you said quickly, moving your eyes to your lap. “Jinyoung, I’m too scared to ask, but I just have to.” you looked at him again and he nodded approvingly. “What did I lack that you needed? I don’t hold no grudges, I just want to know for my own piece of mind.”

“What do you mean?” he furrowed his eyebrows.

“What…Why’d you do it?”

“Don’t tell me you still believe Johnny. I hope when you blocked me you blocked him too, to start a new life. That’s what you deserve, to not have him in your life is the best I could wish for you.”

“Don’t say that, he actually cares for me and loves me.”

“So you’re with him for real?” he sounded pretentious.

“Why would you think so?” you leaned in to him too.

“One time when I was still looking for you to explain everything, I went to that club Johnny spoke about once, and you were there. You being with him would’ve not surprised me in any way, but you two kissed and I guessed Johnny was right.” he stretched his lips in a thin line.

“What was Johnny right about?” you furrowed your eyebrows feeling your heart begin to ache.

“I came to his place when I had no other options where I could find you, when you didn’t come back to your place for weeks. I said I need to see you and he began his shit about you moving on already, saying you changed your phone number, that you two just had sex. I thought he bluffed because I thought at the time you would not do it… but I might’ve been wrong.” he looked at you and added quickly “No, no, no. I don’t judge you, I… I have no right to. I was just taken aback at the moment. Anyway, I’m happy as long as you’re happy. If Johnny makes you happy, I’m very glad.” he smiled at you like he cared.

“And… are you happy…?”

“I’m fine.” he closed his reassuringly with that reliable smile on his face you missed so much.

“Jinyoung…” you whispered chewing on your lower lip.

“Yeah?” he took a sip from his coffee.

“I wish we could be friends. I’d like to have a friend in you. You’re still very dear to my heart.” you said and took your cup in your hands to take a few sips. You tried to focus on the beverage to not cry from your pity suggestion.

“Yes, we can still be friends.” he didn’t look very pleased to you and you guessed he only agreed out of politeness. You nodded in reply, looking out of the window. The silence that hung between you heavied your shoulders. “I remember you wore this dress when we went out together for the first time. With Johnny and your other friend.”

“Sieun?” you looked at him.

“Yeah, I think so.” He smiled as if he looked through the pictures of that day in his head.

“This is a very funny coincidence.” you said quietly and felt your cheeks turn pink. You couldn’t help but think of the way he handled you in the bathroom of that club. You wished he’d give you a sign he wanted to repeat it all over again in the bathroom of this cafe. Suddenly you wondered if him mentioning this was the sign you were looking for. “I didn’t know I’ll meet you.”

“I know.” he looked at you “Mayb this is something that was meant to be. You wore the dress and bought flowers you always bought for me, maybe the day for us to meet again was written down.”

“Universe planned to get us back in contact I guess.” you chuckled looking at his neck when he looked away. You just wanted to touch him.

“I have to make everything clear though, since we’re going to be friends, I have to make sure you know. Even though we can’t turn back time, we can’t get back together, I need to make sure you know the real truth, okay?” he focused his eyes on you again, but all you could hear was ‘we can’t get back together’. You wanted to ask badly why you can’t, but his eyes were too piercing you had to get back to reality and shake your head yes. “When I said I was preparing for that lecture I said the truth. I really was, but I texted Johnny. I thought of maybe proposing to you, after we moved together, I thought I should get Johnny on friendly terms since I knew he’ll be a big part of your life even if we’ll get married.” you could feel invisible knifes being thrown into your chest one by one. Jinyoung wanted to marry, you couldn’t believe your ears. “I told him we should become friends for you, I said I wanted to propose, he said it’s a great idea and said we’re two closest men in your life, we should respect each other. I agreed, because I just felt like it’s something I needed to do to make you completely happy.” you felt a single tear run down your cheek. You caught it quickly, wiping your cheek while Jinyoung was looking at the waiter. “He texted me the same evening and told me I should come to the club he was at asap. I said I really can’t because I was studying for the lecture, but he said we should celebrate us becoming friends. He literally led me on, but I acted dumb, because I thought I was the one using him while he was drunk. I thought he’ll take me as a bro while drunk and would feel guilty to act differently, but I was wrong. He acted like we were bestest of friends and told me as a bro secret that he’s sleeping with Sieun. I don’t know if he regretted it immediately and made up something so I won’t tell you or planned all of it beforehand, but he asked me to get drinks for the both of us, I agreed, and when I walked away, the girl that he introduced me to literally five minutes ago, dropped herself on me dramatically. She didn’t even look like she stumbled, I guessed she was trying to seduce me and I plainly helped her find balance and let go, but she kept on touching me and hugging me and I had to push her off me, and she suddenly obeyed. I got the drinks and walked back to Johnny who completely forgot about me because he was with Sieun. I placed those bottles on the table they stood next to and left. I didn’t want to interrupt them and didn’t want to stand there like an idiot. I knew he would not let go of her to pay me attention. I would not cheat on you, I wanted for you to be my wife, I didn’t n…” his eyes landed on your face. “Please don’t cry.” he said quickly, holding a tissue for you to grab. “I didn’t mean to make you cry, I’m so sorry.”

“But… he…” you sobbed and weren’t able to form words and sentences. “I let him do it to us. Why would he do it? He always said he loved me, cared for me, said I’m his soulmate and best friend. Why would he try to ruin a perfectly fine relationship? He planted that seed of doubtfulness when you didn’t pick up my call the next morning. He began saying that it’s fine and then he told me that you were at the club, had sex with that girl, he showed me photos and even a video where it looked like you kissed. He said many things, gave me so much evidence. Made me believe I didn’t know you at all. Why? What was the reason?” you asked rhetorically, hiding your face in your palms in shame. “And when I came to your place… that last time I saw you. The girl I texted that proved she slept with you that night, I asked her if she saw you recently, she said yes like 20 minutes ago, and I asked her if you ate together and she said yes. And you had a bag of take out. This all was so perfectly fit. He just told me things and then my brain ruined the rest. I’m so sorry, I’m really sorry. I will never forgive myself. I… I don’t understand. Why would Johnny do all of it? Why would he block your phone number, don’t let you see me, he isolated me completely from the world, from you.” you blinked often to wipe away the tears. “If he hated me so much, he should’ve just stopped being friends with me.”

“No, Y/n, why are you still not getting it? The problem is not that he hates you. It’s the opposite. He loves you and doesn’t want to share you with anyone. He did it to get you back completely to himself I guess. Didn’t you tell before he scared away everyone that liked you? He’s just too scared to lose you.”

“But… wait, hold on. What do you mean he slept with Sieun?”

“He said he dated her but didn’t want to tell you since you’d either hate it or would tell him you told him so.”

“And when did they broke up…?”

“I don’t know that, it’s not like I kept in contact with him after we broke up.” he smiled at you.

“Yes, you’re right, I’m sorry.” you shook your head. “I’m sorry, I think I need to go.” you stood up and felt dizzy.

“I can drive you, just tell me where to.”

“No, it’s fine. Was glad to see you.” you smiled and took a couple of steps, feeling everything around you spin. You stopped taking a break to wait till you feel any better. Nausea and lightheadedness made it hard for you to see anything in front of you.

“Y/n, you forgot flowers.” you could hear Jinyoungs voice behind you, turning around to see him and realising you could not see him properly. You felt your body get so heavy you felt like falling.

“You scared me.” you opened your eyes slowly, trying to work out where you were.

“What happened?” you moved in your seat, finally being able to see you were in the same cafe. Jinyoung squatted in front of you with a water bottle in his hands.

“You fainted when you were walking away. Thankfully I was right behind you because you forgot your flowers. I barely caught you in time or you would’ve hit your head on the floor.” he looked at you.

“I’m sorry… and thank you. It’s probably the heat and lack of sleep and all the stress.” you blabbered quickly. “Thank you.”

“It’s nothing. I hope your sides don’t hurt, I grabbed you in panic very quickly, I might’ve hurt you.”

“It’s fine.” you smiled.

“Take a few sips of water.” he handed you the battle and you drank from it quickly. “Should I take you to hospital?” he asked concerned.

“No, it’s fine. I’ll go home.” you tried to stand up, but Jinyoung didn’t move away, resting his forearms against the seat he sat you on.

“I’ll insist on driving you since you just passed out in front of me.”

“Okay.” you nodded and he moved away, standing up.

“Can you walk? You can lean onto me if you need to.”

“I’m fine, Jinyoung.”

“Okay.” he nodded and walked in front of you with his eyes completely focused on you.

“Promise you’ll go see a doctor?” he asked when the both of you sat in his car.

“Promise.” you nodded, watching him start the engine.

-

“You said you’ll be quick but you were away for like two hours.” he pouted looking at you from the couch. “What flowers did you get?” he asked curiously and extended his arm towards you. You walked closer to him, giving him the flowers. His hand caught yours, pulling you in over the back of the couch to plant a kiss on your cheek. “You’re still prettier than those flowers.” he whispered having his lips against your cheek. “Come here.” he pulled onto your hand to guide you over the couch and onto his lap. His hands immediately landed on your waist, making the dress you wore reveal your underwear. You held your fingers in fists to prevent yourself from snapping at him.

“What you want?” you whispered into his ear and moved your hips slowly against his.

“You.” he began whispering too.

“How badly?” you asked and pulled the strap of your dress down.

“Pretty bad.”

“But I need to know in more details.”

“I don’t know what detail to give you, I just want you.” he sighed heavily when your fingers ran over his abdomen multiple times.

“Will you eat me out?” you asked curiously, bending your head to the side a little.

“Fuck, baby, yes.” his fingers lowered onto your thighs.

“Lower your body then.” you said carelessly, standing on your knees above him. His body slid down the couch, making his face be on the same level as your centre. Your fingers grabbed onto his hair harshly, pulling his head closer to you. You could feel his breathing over your pubic bone, hating yourself for starting all this. This wasn’t really a great way to take any revenge on him.

Johnnys hands startled you when they landed on your butt, hooking thumbs over the underwear you wore and pulling it down. Your hand threw his head back and you noticed his confused and slightly mad stare. The both of you froze, staring at each other. You broke off the silence and slapped him the next second.

“Did I tell you you can undress me? Did I tell you to make me cum?” he stared at you not understanding for a few seconds, only smirking at you when he probably thought he worked out what was going on. “Reply before I slap you once again.”

“No, you didn’t. I’m sorry.”

“Good boy.” you caressed his cheek carefully. “You know, I thought of little something we could do.”

“Yeah?”

“Remember how you wanted to fuck Sieun?” his face changed for a slight second, putting his guard back up to not give away whatever he actually thought or felt. You slapped him once again. “You have to reply.”

“Yeah, yeah, I do.”

“I think we should call her over.”

“Why?” he furrowed his eyebrows.

“For a little game. You, me and her. Have you ever had a threesome? Threesome with me anyway is going to be better than anything you experienced in your life.” your hand lowered over to his dick, stroking it over the jeans.

“Fuck, I never thought you’d just do it so freely and willingly with me.” he took a deep breath in.

“You know what I could do? I could suck you off, while you’re doing whatever the fuck you want to with Sieun. You want that?”

“No, not really, I want you only, we don’t need her.” his breathe hitched and he spoke with unnecessary pausing.

“Why though?” you pouted and felt Johnnys hand lay over yours, forcing you to squeeze his dick more.

“I want you all to myself, your mouth on me only. Focused on me, not anything else.”

“That’s very selfish of you, baby.” you shook your head disapprovingly, sticking your tongue out to draw a line with it over his pulse point. “Want to feel it over your cock?” you asked, moving back a little.

“Yeah.” he nodded.

“You have to share to do so.”

“What do you mean?”

“You can’t have me all to yourself. You shouldn’t be this greedy. You have to share.”

“With Sieun?”

“Not only.”

“Who else?” he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

“Jinyoung.” you said carelessly but watched him closely.

“Him again?”

“It’s a deal I already signed for us. I’ll have sex with him for you to watch, he’ll then do whatever you want to to you. I’ll play with Sieun a little, we could switch and take turns however we want it. You’ll finally be able to do all the things you wanted to do to me.”

“Y/n, I’m not sure the people you chose for this are right.”

“Why? My ex boyfriend and your…” you paused but this time he kept himself collected “desire to fuck Sieun.”

“I don’t want to fuck with Jinyoung, what the fuck.”

“I thought you loved me.” you pressed your body against his. “I thought you’d do something for me since I never asked you for anything in those pasts months. I thought you wanted to eat this pussy right? Jinyoung could show you how to do me right. He did it for like 400 times.”

“I don’t need any fucking advice from this slug.”

“For a slug he really is good with his cock and tongue. And I, as a slut, am really good with my tongue too. If you’ll do what I want you to do, I’ll let you find out. You always wanted Sieun, why’d you protest now when I literally give you permission. Do you want to die without finding out what it’s like to fuck her? We could do all types of things just to stay afterwards together and take it to another level.”

“I want you only.” he said stubbornly once again.

“Did you fuck Sieun before?” you looked at him suspiciously.

“I didn’t, I just don’t want any of it anymore, I love you.”

“You’re. A fucking. Liar. Johnny. I hate you.” your hands moved over to his neck, trying your best to choke him knowing damn well you won’t be able to cause any harm to him.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Johnny’s hands were obviously stronger, twisting yours quickly and making you cry in pain. “What happened?”

“When did you began dating Sieun? When did you broke up? I have to fucking know. I have to know about all the lies you told me.” he was still holding on to your hands making it hurt.

“Did that bitch tell you?”

“Let go of me! You’re going to leave bruises!” You exclaimed in pain.

“Was that her? I’ll fucking snap her neck, the fucking whore was supposed.”

“It’s not her who told me, but she confirmed you being a fucking prick. You lied to me all the fucking time. And you thought I’ll fuck you? You fucking wish! You don’t fucking love me, you don’t know what love is. You’re heartless and disgusting. Let go of me!”

“You, your selfish little ass. You never opened your eyes wide enough to see anything. You care only for what you need. If I never lied to you, I would’ve became uninteresting to you about 10 years ago. I did this for you, I did all of this for us.”

“Let go! There’s no us. I know everything, I know that you lied to me about Jinyoung. You ruined my life. This year just was a fucking waste. I hate living here, I hated being touched by you but I kept it all in because I wanted to keep you happy. I was hoping I’ll finally get over Jinyoung and will feel anything towards you. Guess I shouldn’t have even tried. You anyway had a girlfriend until two months ago. Yes, I called her, accidentally, just an hour ago. I just wanted to hear the voice of the bitch that lied to me about Jinyoung and ask her why she did it, but Sieun picked up the phone. She said you told her to text me as if she was someone else who slept with Jinyoung from her other phone number I didn’t know. She told me she only did it because you told her all the bullshit you can about dating and loving each other and doing things for one another. The thought of dating the Johnny Suh that never stayed the night was way too tempting and she told you yes. She betrayed me because of you.” your eyes ran furiously over the whole room. “You acted like a terrible person Johnny, you dated her when your hands held me in your sleep every night. You broke up with her when you had sex with me for the first time, right? Thought you’re going to get it from me now so you dumped her? Is that what you did?” you chuckled.

“Is it that funny to you?”

“Barely, but it just really makes me wonder if I ever even knew you for real.” you breathed heavily staring at him, when he didn’t reply, you walked past him, getting furiously under the duvet of your bed to think everything through. Moving, you had to move away from here now. You had to learn to live a life without Johnny being there. There was so much you could forgive but this.

Your phone laid next to you and you grabbed it to look at Jinyoung’s phone number. You felt the urge to call him and tell him, you wanted to ask for help, hope he’d give you wise advice like he always did. You had nowhere to go, Johnny told you to not pay the rent for your place anymore, and you completely moved in with him 6 months ago, you knew for sure whatever connection you two had it all was gone for good now. You hated to go to Jinyoung and ask him anything. You just opened your phone, googled the first hotel that seemed comfortable enough and didn’t cost too much and booked a room. For a week, it’s not like you could get a flat any quicker.

You laid your phone next to you, just taking a moment to think that there was so much you needed to do and there is so much that happened already.

“Don’t come near me.” you said roughly when you heard Johnny enter the room.

“It’s unfair.”

“What?” you turned to look at him annoyed.

“Unfair that you only look at things from your point of view. Don’t you care what I think?”

“No.” you simply replied.

“I know you too well.” he dropped his body on the bed and you stiffened, ready to punch him if he’ll touch you. “You really want to know.”

“I don’t, you can leave the room so I’ll pack my things in peace.”

“Pack your things? Where will you go?”

“It shouldn’t matter to you.”

“Okay…” he sighed. “Still, when we were 14 and people teased us a lot that we dated in secret, you said you’d rather die than do so. Later that year I asked you if you really meant it, and you said yes. You said it’s not something you could imagine yourself doing, so I killed every single thought in my head to ask you out. I was fine because you were with me all the time, you loved me, even though you didn’t realise. You were my love and girlfriend even though you didn’t think so yourself, I was okay with you not willing to kiss me or anything else, because I was still able to hold your hand at the end of the day. Then you liked that stupid guy that was two years older than us. I was furious, you wanted to be with him, not me. He was the one who took you away from me, so I had to take you back from him. I was the reason behind it.” you turned around quickly, looking at Johnny in disbelief.

“No you didn’t.”

“I did, I broke you off with every guy you had because they’re not someone you should be with. I’m the one, I love you like no one ever will. I’ll do anything for you.”

“You’re insane.”

“I love you, I Iove you, it’s the only reason I do all of it. I do it to keep you happy and to keep you with me. I’ll do anything to be with you. Please, I need this last chance to be better for you.” his hand reached your shoulder and you jumped up like you were stung by a bee.

“No, don’t.”

“I’m sorry, please, listen to me just this once.”

“I’m not giving you this chance or any other. It’s pretty sick what you did and I just can’t… it’s better we just stop everything here.” you tried to keep distance from him but he caved you between his arms and held you there.

“I had to keep my feelings hostage. I had to listen to all these guys talk about you when I knew I’ll never get to experience any of it myself. I was just going insane because I knew you won’t like me.”

“Johnny, no, there were other ways. You chose to turn this into something sick. You could’ve just told me. You could’ve done it many years ago, not when I loved someone and you broke it off by breaking my heart. I would’ve never minded it if you told me this at any point of our lives. Of course I said I’d rather die than date you, what was I supposed to say to a girl that liked you? She was the first one who started my torturous life of a girl that was friends with a guy every other girl wanted. You’re trying to blame me, but there’s no one to blame, or at least think for yourself, you chose to do it this way. The only thing I’m to blame for is this year, I’m sorry I suggested being together. I’m sorry I acted like I was okay. I should’ve just said it.”

“Y/n, don’t leave. I can see, you love me, if you didn’t, you would’ve not said all of it, please.”

“Johnny, you dated Sieun. Behind my back, while we promised to stay faithful to each other. Everything is very crooked. It’s basically fucked.”

“I know, I fucked up here, but I really needed someone to fuck. I didn’t want to force you, I thought about you even here, I found someone to wait and when you were ready I just got rid of her.”

“No, Johnny, what the hell?” You felt like crying. “It’s not something you did for me, it’s something you did for your own sake and pleasure. Stop turning everything around to make it seem like everything you do is for me!”

“But it is!” he shouted.

“It’s not, I need to go.”

“Jinyoung told you, right? How did he contact you?”

“He didn’t.”

“How else would you find out about all of it. If it’s not him, not her?”

“Why does it matter to you?”

“You’re leaving me for him?”

“No. I’m leaving you to be by myself. To finally be able to breathe, to finally be able to sleep.” you stood up from the bed, walking around it to get to the wardrobe.

“I can’t let you leave though.”

“Huh?” you turned around to see him not move. He was still sitting with his back to you, breathing steadily.

“I won’t… I don’t agree. I…”

“You what? I’m not the puppy you can keep hostage.” you chuckled and looked through the clothes.

“Give me your phone.” you heard behind your ear, turning around quickly. “Where is it?”

“No, never.” you furrowed your eyebrows and pushed him with your arms from you. He didn’t move a centimetre.

“I’ll have to take it from you with force.”

“Yeah, sure.” you chuckled and stopped the next second Johnnys hand grabbed your neck, pushing you to stand against the wall. His fingers were holding you tightly, making it impossible for your head to turn. “What you’re doing, let me go!”

“Where’s your phone?” he repeated his question again.

You felt humiliated, you couldn’t believe the person you trusted the most through your entire life held you by the neck, giving you terrible pain.

“Keeping your mouth shut? Still?” he chuckled and his other hand roamed over your body. You felt his palm run over your thighs and stomach, going back to your underwear and rubbed you multiple times through it, before running his hands over your chest and sides. You were swallowing tears, looking for a better moment to hit him in his solar plexus with your elbow. “Is it on the bed? I don’t seem to see it with you. Or should I touch you all over again?”

“Try it.” you spat and felt his fingers flex over your neck, pulling you harshly from the wall over to the bed.

“I’ll try something better than this. Something much more entertaining.” he chuckled and bent you over it, forcing your butt to stick out. Cold sweats dropped from your forehead mixing in with your tears.

“Johnny, don’t, don’t do it. Please, I beg you. We can still turn back time and try again. This once.”

“Didn’t you say you’re not giving me no chances?”

“I just thought you really love me, I should.” you cried feeling his fingers pull your dress up. “Johnny, please.”

“Think I could make you wet?”

“Johnny, please.” you cried out loud, feeling your body shake. There was no way you could get from under him, but you still tried. You tried to hit him with your legs and arms, but the more you moved, the more weight he put onto your neck, making it impossible to breathe. You stopped and froze when you heard and felt him rip your underwear. You wished you were dead. Right at this moment you realised you wished you never were born. You couldn’t breathe because you were listening carefully. Your eyes weren’t able to see anything through the tears. You wished you could’ve rewind the time so you’d just come home and act sweetly, so you’d be able to run away from him at night. How were you supposed to know Johnny will turn into this monster.

You heard him spit and you felt him getting two of his fingers inside of you. You thought you lost consciousness because everything went blurry, you couldn’t see or hear anything except your tears. Johnny was raping you. You felt his spit on your entrance and felt him get inside of you. It hurt, and not it only hurt you morally, it hurt you physically, lack of lube made the thrusts and the friction he created crazily painful. You thought like he could feel it too, maybe he’d want to stop. He wasn’t a rapist, he was a boy you grew up with and loved dearly. You snapped back to reality when you felt his fingers choke you harder. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” he grunted soon enough and pulled out, making you shiver at the feeling of his seed on your back. His hands let go of you and he dropped his body next to yours. You turned your head slightly to be able to breathe, closing your eyes in deep shame. You tried to not cry, you tried to not throw up and more importantly you tried your best to not cill him. You were dying to jump up and crack a vase over his head. “I’m sorry, this, was very much needed.” he moved closer to you, and tried to touch your face softly. Your hands slapped him, hit him and he reacted immediately, grabbing your hands with his. You could feel bruises grow on your wrists, still trying to give him any sort of pain. “Stop this.” he said seriously, pinning you down to the bed. You still tried hit him with your legs, feeling his knees push your legs down and bringing you even more pain. “Stop all of it, go wash and come to bed.” you stared at him not moving, nodding your head quickly. He let go of you and watched you closely. You stood up, pulling your dress down and grabbing your phone from behind the pillow so he wouldn’t notice. Getting to the wardrobe you tried to pick an outfit so you’ll have multiple layers of clothes. Taking everything to shower with you, you locked the door, calling an Uber. Your eyes ran over the room for a sharp object, but you could not find any, jumping into warm water and quickly getting out of it. Putting on all of it you tried to not look in the mirror, you knew you looked like someone who was raped just a minute ago. You gulped throwing the thoughts of calling Jinyoung in the farthest corner of your brain. It was not the time to involve him in this. You sighed and opened the door, not seeing Johnny in the room. You were quick-witted enough to put on the shoes that you had in the room, instead of putting something on at the exit. You went back to bathroom, turning the water back on and closing the door. Your eyes ran over the room, grabbing your backpack while you had the chance and quickly putting everything that gotten in your way there.

Your fingers held onto the handle of the door, opening it slowly. You couldn’t see Johnny and it scared you more than you thought it would. He probably was in the kitchen. You got out of the room, moving your body against the wall so you won’t get into his sight even if he turns around. Your heart was beating in your ears, two steps away from the door, you could feel yourself failing. Your fingers were finally able to reach the door handle and you grabbed it, opening it in one swift motion. It probably made too much sound but you were close to running away from him and you couldn’t care anymore. You closed the door, turning around at the moment you did so, seeing Johnny’s confused eyes on you. He took a step towards you and you shut the door, running down the stairs. Feeling dizzy counting every step to now fall down. You ran out of the building, seeing the Uber that was waiting for you.

“Please, quickly. I need you to go quickly.” you shouted and the driver did as you wished, moving away the second you shut the door. Your eyes looked at the entrance of Johnny’s house, only seeing him run out when the car was driving away. It probably looked like a passing by Uber to him. You sighed and closed your eyes but still felt your hands shake.

“Are you safe?” the driver asked and you raised your eyes, meeting his.

“Yeah, yeah.” you smiled at him. “Just met some difficulties. I hope I’ll be better from now on. Thank you for asking.” he nodded at you and focused his eyes back on the road.

-

Checking into hotel you quickly got to your floor, finding the room and locking the door with every lock there was. You dropped the backpack on the floor, walking to the window and closing it with the blackout curtains. The room became pitch black and you liked it this way. You crawled over to the bed, taking off your clothes at the same time. Your fingers snaked your phone out of your pocket, turning it off just to keep yourself from Johnny. You hid your body under the softest duvet and closed your eyes to calm down. It was 5 pm and you fell asleep unconsciously, waking up only the next day.

-

“I’m so glad you’re here.” you whispered and sat up on the bed, leaning to Jinyoung. “I was too afraid to call you myself.”

“It’s all good, I’m here, that’s all that matters.” you watched him move his face closer to yours, you held your breathe, wondering if he wanted to kiss you. If he wanted you too.

“I still love you. Do you love me too?”

“I do.” he whispered into your lips, holding you in place with his hand.

“Good to know.” you inhaled and felt him crush his lips against yours.

Jinyoung pushed you to lay back down with his hands, caressing your neck with his thumb. His other hand crawled over your stomach to your back, unclasping your bra. You tried to stroke him, lowering your hand to his zipper and moving it up and down. Your other caressed his waist, but no matter what you did you couldn’t feel him harden under your touch. You moved your hand from his crotch onto his side, thrusting your hips slowly against his. Moving your hand back to him you weren’t understanding.

“Jinyoung, what’s wrong?“ your hands held his head, trying to see his eyes. He didn’t let you, dropping his head onto your shoulder. “I… You don’t want me? That’s fine.” you ran your fingers through his hair, feeling how his body weight made it heavy for you to breathe.

“No, it’s different.”

“What is it? You can tell me.” he raised his head, looking at you, and you caressed his cheek reassuringly.

“My friend… he…” you watched his face expression trying to understand what he was saying.

“Your friend what…?” you asked confused not even knowing what to think of it.

“He’s…He’s here, he waits for me.”

“Okay…You have to go?”

“No, he’s going to come here.”

“Why?”

“You’ll find out soon.” he moved from you, sitting up.

“What?” you asked confused.

“Johnny.” Jinyoung said loudly and the door opened. Your eyes ran from the guy that entered the room to the one that sat right next to you.

“Jinyoung?”

“I’m sorry, he should take you home.”

“Jinyoung, please, don’t let him. He’s going to hurt me.” you cried and held onto his hand.

“Please let go of me and leave with Johnny.”

“Jinyoung, please.” you couldn’t see because of tears but you felt Johnny’s strong grip on your hand, pulling you to stand up. You screamed loudly, definitely drawing attention, but no one tried to help. Jinyoung stared at you while Johnny was trying to take you with him, breaking your arms while you tried to free yourself from him.

You shut your mouth, feeling his teeth over your ear.

“Come on angel, stop crying, we’re going to live a happy life together.”

You jumped up from the bed, feeling cold tears on your eyes. Scanning the room, there obviously wasn’t any Jinyoung, nor Johnny. You stood up and opened the curtains. It seemed to be a new day. Dropping you body back on the bed, you turned on the TV, skipping through every channel there was. You felt hungry and grabbed the room service menu, picking the food of your choice. The nightmare you just had made you nervous and scared, you asked the staff of the hotel to just knock and leave the food under your door, you were scared if Johnny knew already where you were. Your eyes landed on your phone, that was laying lifelessly on the bed side table. You turned it on, staring at the logo while it was loading. A knock on the door made you startled, slowing your heart after you heard a ladies voice saying ‘Room Service’. You ran up to the door listening to her steps getting further away. You opened the door slightly, taking the cart inside of your room and locking the door once again. Fear was all you could feel, but hunger was about to fight with it. You sat back down on bed, staring at the TV, where one of the Sponge Bob episodes began. Your phone vibrated, probably loading all the notifications you received from yesterday and you grabbed it, scrolling through. Skipping a couple of mindless Instagram and Twitter notifications, you scrolled to what you were expecting to see. Johnny’s texts and missed calls.

From: Johnny

“come home, don’t be a fool, it’s cold outside.”

“why did you ran away?”

“Y/n, seriously, it’s 11, come back home.”

“are you sleeping on the street?”

“of course not, that’s foolish of me. you’re with Jinyoung, should I come to his place and take you from him?”

“reply to me.”

“fuck you. don’t even imagine coming back to my place and taking your things, you get me?”

“no way you’re coming back to me after sleeping with him.”

“what you’re going to do without your passport and ID anyway?”

“huh, so you took it? I can’t find it.”

“okay, good for you. you’ll definitely need it.”

You read through his messages and felt like you could feel his hands on you again. You closed your eyes and almost had a heart attack when your phone called, you opened your eyes immediately only to breathe out relaxed. Jinyoung’s name lit up your screen.

“Yeah?” you said weakly, clearing your throat afterwards.

“Oh, hi. I didn’t know you’d pick up so quickly. My messages weren’t delivered again and I thought I’d call to see if you blocked me again.”

“No, no. I didn’t block you in the first place.”

“I know, I know… I just realised, that I told you all those things and then dropped you off at Johnny’s, you probably had a conversation… I was just worried to be honest. This was definitely not one of my brightest ideas.” he went quiet and you did too. “You’re here?” he asked with his softest tone when you didn’t reply.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sorry. We did have a conversation, but I’m completely fine.” you smiled and wondered if he could sense the fakeness in the tone of your voice. “I turned my phone off when I went to sleep, I just woke up, I’m sorry I made you worry.”

“I’m just glad you’re fine. I thought… it’s Sunday, do you want to hang out…? I thought we could eat together. We didn’t get to talk about our lives properly yesterday. I can pick you from Johnnys…” he paused.

“It’s a great idea, it’s just… I’m not at Johnny’s.”

“You’re not? Where are you?”

“I’m…”

“I can pick you up wherever you want to.”

“Maybe next weekend?” you wanted to see him the most, you were dying to see him once again, take a better look at his face and maybe touch his fingers, but you were too scared he’d see Johnny’s fingerprints on your neck. You were afraid he’d notice bruises on your wrists, you were scared to make him upset, you were scared he’d want to do anything about it.

“I… I really hoped to see you today.”

“Yeah…?”

“Yeah, I just thought a lunch would be nice.” his voice sounded low, he cleared his throat and you could hear him gulp through the phone.

“I just had a nightmare where you dragged me to Johnny, and now you’re insisting on seeing me as if the dream was true.”

“Oh.” he gasped.

“I’m joking, I don’t think you’re going to drag me to Johnny. You’re the only person in this city I still can trust.” you said it only realising how sad your life is afterwards.

“Anyway… I’m glad you’re well, just let me know, if you’ll want to see me. Any time.”

“Yeah, sure.” You said enthusiastically, finally paying attention to food you ordered.

“I guess, see you, then?” he said it as if he didn’t want to hang up.

“Yeah.” you said once again. “See you.”

“Bye.” he sighed and you could hear the silence that surrounded him. You nibbled onto your lower lip debating.

“Jinyoung?” you said when it felt like he already hung up.

“Yeah?” his voice sounded hopeful.

“If you really want to just hang out today, you can come over to where I’m staying… we could eat together.”

“Okay, yeah. That’s cool.”

“Cool, I’ll send you the address, deal?”

“Yeah, what time should I come?”

“Doesn’t matter, whenever you want to.”

“Okay, I’ll come soon then.”

“Okay.” you nodded as if he was able to see you.

“Wait, what you want to eat?”

“Hm… anything will do. Just something yummy. I trust your taste.”

“Okay, see you.”

“Didn’t we see each other like on Thursday…?”

“Yeah, but I’d rather see just you all the time.”

“He’s only free on weekends, I can’t ignore him and I can’t ignore you too. Jinyoung have nothing against you, you should stop being stubborn and become friends with him. I love you and I love him.”

“Who do you love?” you heard Jinyoungs voice behind you, turning around to face him.

“Oh god.” you heard Johnnys loud sigh behind you.

Your eyes followed Jinyoungs hands, watching him place three drinks on the table.

“Here.” he pushed a cup towards Johnny.

“Thanks.” he smiled annoyingly, and you turned your attention to Jinyoung, watching him take a sip of his drink.

“Good?” you asked, watching his throat move as he swallowed.

“Yeah.” he almost choked on the drink, giving you your cup that was standing alone at the table.

“Careful.” you chuckled, turning your eyes to Johnny. “So, did you go anywhere this weekend?”

“Yeah, though hanging out without you is lame, I did.”

“How was it? Where’d you go?”

“To 7 sins.” you nodded, obviously knowing where it was. “Remember, how a guy in there almost fucked you at the bar?” he laughed and made you dead uncomfortable. You gave him a stare but he acted like he never noticed. “Actually, I met there someone, Taeyong.”

“Oh, did you? How’s he doing?” you thought you’d feel discomfort hearing about him but it felt like you finally didn’t care anymore.

“I didn’t ask. He was just there and said it’s surprising you’re not here.”

“Surprised he spoke to you.” you chuckled.

“Who’s Taeyong?” you heard Jinyoungs voice next to your ear.

“It’s her ex.” Johnny replied way too quickly.

“Yes, an ex I knew and didn’t really date for less than a month because of you.” you were glad Johnny wasn’t too close to you, you felt like you could punch him right now.

“What he did?” Jinyoung laughed, placing his hand over your shoulders.

“Said nasty things, like he usually does. Nothing new.”

“It was a drunk joke, he should’ve guessed it.”

“Tell me, I want to know.” Jinyoung looked at Johnny with serious eyes.

“I don’t remember it, really.” he replied quickly, taking the cup in his hands and looking at the table. You couldn’t believe your eyes. Johnny chickened out for the first time in his lifetime.

“Baby?” you felt his fingers flex over your shoulder.

“I’ll tell you later.” you smiled and leaned to plant a kiss on his cheek. “I brought the both of you here today because I want you to become friends. You’re my best friend, Johnny. And Jinyoung is my boyfriend. I want you to get along.”

“I’m getting along.” Johnny leaned back, looking at you two.

“Maybe, if you ever found someone you at least liked, you’d understand what I feel right now.” you leaned in closer to Jinyoung, resting your head against his chest.

“I liked plenty of girls.” Johnny said carelessly.

“Yeah, but you never liked them for real. You don’t love anyone, I know you’re all grumpy just because you don’t accept relationships, the deal is not actually Jinyoung, it would’ve been the same with anyone. I’m not saying, you should change too and date someone, no. I know it’s far from simple and if you don’t like it then it’s fine, but I… don’t drag me with you, I was enjoying it while it lasted, but now I’m happy in this place. Let me be, I’m grown up enough to decide myself.”

“Aren’t you afraid yourself you’ll get bored and will want to get with different people again?” Johnny looked at you genuinely curiously.

“No, I’m not afraid of that. You’ll understand it when you’ll meet the girl you’ll want to spend every morning with. I know for a fact, if a found someone, you’ll find someone one day too. You’re designated someone just didn’t get into your life yet.”

“Or if there’s no one that’s meant for you in this life, then do what you were doing before, just don’t make other people walk the path with you. Don’t act that selfish.” you heard Jinyoungs chest vibrate with your ear while he spoke.

“What is it? Church service?” Johnny suddenly stood up, placing the cup on the table.

“What?”

“I don’t need your fucking boyfriends advice. And I’m tired of your fucking little game, where you play pretend like you’re not a slut that you are. Stop it, you’re not any better than me. You’re no different to me. I don’t know whatever the fuck he fucked you, that you’re so blown away with it you thought it’s fun to try a relationship, but I’ll accept your apologies when you’ll get bored of him in a weeks time and will beg me to forgive you and go out together again.”

“Johnny!” you stood up too. “Don’t make me believe you don’t actually have a heart.”

“What the fuck are you talking?”

“I just know you’re not a bad person. You’re worked up and mad, I’m sorry I tried to talk about love with you. I know it’s a taboo topic.”

“You know fucking nothing. Love is bullshit, people never fall in love with someone that likes them back. It’s all a fucking play pretend and lie. You’ll never find out if he lies to you or if you lied to him. It’s all made up, getting into a relationship with someone just because you knew him before sex and he didn’t act like a creep after it? Fuck that and fuck you too. If I knew you’ll act like that at the first dick that’ll be visibly satisfying to your eyes I would’ve never in my life spent all these years on you.”

“Johnny, I believe you need to shut your mouth and apologise.” you heard Jinyoungs cough.

“No, dude, you chose the wrong fucking girlfriend. I heard guys say her sucking skills are out of this world, but honestly? Dating a whore? You should reconsider your life choices, you genuinely seem like a nice guy that chose the wrong path.”

“So that’s what you think of me?” you felt your voice shake and tears prickle your eyes.

“Get out of here before I kill you.” Jinyoung stood up next to you, squeezing vigorously your palm.

“I pity the both of you.” Johnny chuckled, beginning to walk away.

“No, wait.”

“What?” he turned around, looking at you.

“I’m not going to say bad things, I’m not going to call you names. I’ll just tell you this.” you paused and grabbed the cup in your hands, taking the lead off and splashing the whole cup over his shirt. “I fucking hate you and every memory I have of you. I don’t ever want to hear from you.” you grabbed Jinyoungs hand, making him leave the cafe right behind you.

-

Jinyoung’s hand caressed your hair for the past three hours, cooing you and your unstoppable crying. “Baby.” he whispered for the 100th time. “You know, I’d tell you fuck him, he don’t deserve your tears and he don’t deserve any emotions your wasting on him, but since I know you really care, please don’t cry, I know he’s sorry about what he said, I know he’ll say he’s sorry when he’ll calm himself down.” you raised your head from the pillow, wiping away your tears.

“I’m so sorry, Jinyoung.”

“What? About what? What you’re saying?” he pulled you in closer, brushing the hair off your face with his fingers.

“I don’t even know what you’re thinking of me now, I’m sorry.” you felt tears fall down your cheeks again. You didn’t know what hurt you more: Johnnys words or that Jinyoung was there and listened to all of it.

“I’m thinking that I don’t care what this person that is obviously full of venom and jealousy says. I mean, I do care, because I was very close to throw hands when he crossed every line there is to cross. You so should’ve just slapped him. Baby, listen. His words won’t ever change what I’m thinking of you. Even if he acts like he knows everything about you, it seems like he don’t. It seems like he don’t understand that you have a heart, feelings, you’re beautiful and very rarely, more not than is, funny.” he teased, forcing a small chuckle leave your lips. “That’s better. The only tears you should shed is the tears of pleasure I’m giving you.” he leaned in and peppered kisses over your jawline. Your hands found his nape, running your fingers all over the skin of his head. “You’re giving me so much joy and happiness just by laying next to me.” he sighed and pressed a kiss into your neck.

“See?” you sighed.

“What?” he raised his head, that just a second ago began peppering kisses over your neck.

“It’s mostly sex. I’m not worth of anything unless it’s sex.” you blinked multiple times, trying to contain yourself.

“It’s not.” he moved back “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done it now.”

“It’s fine though, maybe I was built for pleasure?” you rubbed your eyes.

“I liked you even before you touched me or noticed me. When you walked through the hall of the hotel, your mum spoke to me before, she was like ‘You won’t believe how beautiful my Y/n is. She’s the most gorgeous young lady I ever seen, and I’m not saying this because she’s my daughter.’ And I was sitting there, on the couch, thinking how beautiful could’ve Y/n gotten if her mom says it like that? I lifted my eyes up and thought there was just a random pretty girl checking in, but then your mom jumped up, hugging and spinning you around. I was so mesmerised by you, and you actually spoke to me first.”

“I asked you who you are.” you chuckled.

“Yes, but still, you spoke to me first. For the slightest I was ready to tell you I’m someone else, just because i wanted to shoot my shot with you and didn’t know if you’d want to have any relationship like that with your moms ex-husbands younger brother.”

“But I did want to…” you sighed. “Because I’m a whore? Or because I’m a pervert?”

“Did Johnny tell you this? My brother was married to your mom for three years, no one even remembers by now about it.”

“But I swear to god, I always wondered how you kept in touch with my mom? Like why?”

“She always calls me, maybe it was her plan to get us together?” he laughed.

“Your laughing but I won’t be too surprised it actually was her plan.”

“Anyway it worked.” he chuckled.

“But even looking at it like that… my whore-like behaviour came through. I drank and I talked to you, I asked you to come help me find my room and I…” He didn’t let you finish.

“But it was me that tried to get your attention, it was me who was around and it was me who kissed you when you closed the door. It was me, who laid you on the bed, because I wanted it. I wanted to make you feel good, thats why I did it. And then the next day, too. I was with you because I wanted to make you feel good. I didn’t ask for anything in return because all I wanted was to make you feel pleasure. I always want you to feel pleasure, happiness too. Maybe it’s bad that I wanted this badly to lay my tongue on you, I did it too quickly, but that’s what trips are for. Doing crazy things without thinking. I would’ve not done it like that if we were back here.”

“But didn’t you fuck me in the bathroom of a club the first time we saw each other in Seoul?”

“I did because I thought you didn’t want to date or anything like that. Dumbly enough I listened to what Johnny said. I just did it to make you at least want to fuck with me one more time. I’m so sorry I thought so low of you, I’m sorry I said you were too comfortable in that bathroom, it’s just that I was actually so stressed and you seemed like you weren’t. I just felt like we could really turn this into something because you didn’t try to refuse me and acted like a girl with balls. I never said this to you, but it’s actually so sexy of you, how you get in control of situations.” you chuckled and hugged him tighter. “Let’s be fair, I know how to fuck too. And what, does that make me a whore? No. Does anyone ever call Johnny a whore? He fucks everything that breaths, I’m sure it’s at least unfair. It’s additional bonus to you, you know what you want when I fuck you, you know how to get me worked up in a second. You know what men like and you know what you like. Confidence is always sexy. I don’t actually want to ever know how many guys you slept with, because I will probably get hurt by the number being bigger than mine, but you’re always saying this and that about me is sexy, but nothing’s less sexy about you. If you want to, we can not have sex for the next month, just for you to understand fucking is not the only thing that I need from you. I need so much more. You’re my emotional support. Who else would listen to my calls at 2am where I complain about my students when I read their essays? Who else would run over to my place and then to work to bring me my laptop when I forgot it? I could listen for hours just to your breathing. I could look at you for hours and won’t need sleep. It’s been slightly over a month since we began dating but I can tell you everything about you is serious for me. If you’re bothered with sex, we can just simply not have it. Hugs and kisses are more emotionally attaching than sex. I’ll be fine with this too.”

“Jinyoung…” you sighed, caressing his cheek with your palm. “No fucking, just make love to me. You’re making it all matter when you’re doing it like that.”

“Okay love.” you felt his lips lay over yours, immediately rocking his hips against yours slowly.

-

“I know you’re mad.” Johnny spoke quickly when you opened the door without looking who it was. Dumb, it was really dumb to not check on who rang the bell, you thought to yourself.

“I’m fine actually.” you raised an eyebrow at him.

“Okay, then me, I’m not fine. I feel really bad about what I said yesterday. I didn’t…wait, you’re alone, right?” he tried to look behind your shoulder.

“Yes, why?”

“I… just… It doesn’t matter. What matters is I’m so sorry, Y/n. Please let me in and please let me make it up for you. You’re my only friend in the whole wide world. I love you and miss you, already.” you looked in his expectant eyes. You could tell he was nervous and you could tell he was scared you’ll say no. “I bought us a cake.” he bent, to get the box from the floor. You looked at him quietly for a few more seconds.

“I don’t want cake.”

“I knew you’d say that, that’s why there’s actually tteokbokki.” he quickly opened the cake box, showing you a big take out box inside. “You won’t say no to that, right?” he chuckled and looked at you once again. Your heart screeched and you let him in, watching him walk in as if it was his own house, placing himself on the floor next to the couch. He patted space next to him, signalling for you to sit.

“So… you think saying your sorry is enough for your forgiveness?” you placed another rice cake into your mouth, breaking the silence that hung over you two for the past 10 minutes.

“No, I was coming up with words.” he coughed and placed his chopsticks on the lid of the box. “I didn’t mean any of it… I don’t actually think you’re… that word, it’s just the only insult that came to my mind without thinking. I got worked up because you began shoving your relationship into my nose, but I don’t really need it. I don’t want commitment, I don’t want any other girl in my life permanently except for you.”

“But… what if eventually I won’t be able to hang out as much with you? Won’t be able to go out at nights, you’ll need someone else or you’ll be lonely.” you raised your eyes at him.

“Eventually won’t be able to go out at nights…?” he looked confused “Are you trying to tell me you’re pregnant with his baby… already…?” his eyes ran over your stomach as if even if you were pregnant, he’d see it.

“No, I’m not, but what if I will be? In a years time, in two years, three, I don’t know, neither of us do. I was just trying to tell don’t be so mad over the fact I have a boyfriend now, I just tried to tell you’ll understand if you’ll love someone, I just tried to tell that I don’t want this type of life anymore, but if you do, I’m not going to act against it. I know all the things you said are true. I know I slept with three random guys a day sometimes, I know all of it. I know that suddenly I’m acting like I never did everything I did, but it’s just that I never thought I’ll understand that feeling too, I never thought I’ll be sitting with a boyfriend in a cafe, trying to tell you, that you’ll find someone. I never imagined this would happen, but it did. I was just trying to be nice when you acted provocative. You always act provocative in front of Jinyoung, if you said that just to me, I wouldn’t have minded it so much, but you said it in front of Jinyoung. I don’t understand, why you’re trying to bring up all the nasty things you know about me every time you see him. I thought best friends are supposed to be on each other’s side, not the opposite.”

“I know, I’m so sorry, but he didn’t like… change his opinion on you… or anything, right?”

“No.” you shook your head.

“Thank god.” he sighed and looked away. “Hugs?” he asked suddenly, pulling you in for one. His hands snaked over your body, pulling half of you on top of him, caressing your hair.

“I guess you are right, I’ll only understand what you mean when I’ll experience it. Until that day, I guess I just have to say I’m sorry. And that’s that. If I’ll ever find someone good enough to date, and I’ll actually feel the feelings, I’ll run straight up to you and will apologise wholeheartedly.” he sighed.

“You might as well not have a girlfriend after that if you’ll run to someone else when you felt like you’re in love.” you chuckled

“You know, I still remember what we promised each other years ago.” he whispered 10 mins later.

“What exactly do you mean?”

“The marriage thing.”

“Oh, I do remember that too.” you laughed “Three months ago I thought it’s actually going to happen, but here I am.”

“Yeah.” he chuckled “Here you are.”

“You have to decide.” you lifted your head suddenly, looking at him.

“What?”

“Will you try to act nice to Jinyoung, just act like you act with me?”

“Or…?”

“Or you don’t want to see him ever again.”

“Am I allowed this simply to choose the second option?” he chuckled, resting his head against your couch.

“Yes, but I have to say something…”

“Yeah?” he moved his head back to watch you.

“Jinyoung is my priority. I’ll pick him over you… I’m so sorry I said it like that? I meant that if he’ll want to see me and you will want to see me there’s a bigger chance I’ll pick him.” you looked at him shamefully.

“Why? Because he can fuck you and I can’t?” Johnny chuckled and moved his hand over to your neck, running his fingers to hold onto it and pull you in. “You know I can do that too if that’s a decider.” you pushed him off, slapping his shoulder.

“Don’t mention that, it’s disgusting. Like sleeping with a family member?” you made a gagging sound.

“But aren’t you pro at that?” he laughed and grabbed your hands immediately to prevent you from kicking him.

“Want to stay over?” you smiled at him suddenly.

“Yeah, why?”

“So I can choke you while you’re asleep, you annoying little shit!” you tried to get out of his hold, but he was obviously stronger.

“I love you.” Johnny sighed, pushing you to rest against his chest.

“Yeah, me too.” you sighed, hugging him.

“But Jinyoung more, right?” he asked and you held your breath, trying to think if it actually was that way.

“It’s just different type of love.”

“Okay, so I’m still your favourite?” he asked almost whispering.

“I won’t tell you that, you don’t deserve it.” you chuckled, rubbing your face against him.

“I know, but you are my favourite, always was and forever will be.” he said into the top of your head, kissing it.

“Thank you.” you smiled.

“So can I actually stay…?”

“Yeah, fine.” you nodded.

When the evening came a few hours later, the two of you were laying on your bed, watching a tv show Johnny blubbered about non-stop. Your head turned immediately when you heard the sound of your phone. You didn’t need a second to guess it was Jinyoung, quickly pulling the phone in front of you.

“Jesus, how did you not break your neck with that speed.” he laughed.

from: Jinyoung

“I miss you.”

“I miss you, how cheesy.” Johnny laughed, moving next to you, probably to get a better view of your phone screen. “Oh, of course you too, I didn’t even doubt it.”

to: Jinyoung

“me too TT”

“how did your kids behave today?”

from: Jinyoung

“Terrible.”

“Horrible.”

“Annoyingly bad? Pick one for yourself.”

“Oh, why does he type like that?” Johnny grabbed your phone from your hands, scrolling through your chat suddenly.

“Give me that back.” you tried to fight him, but he pulled you into his chest, scrolling through the messages. “Please just give it back to me.”

“I thought we had no secrets from each other. Or what, did he send you dick pics?”

“No, he didn’t! It’s just embarrassing.”

“I saw you in more embarrassing situations than texting your beloved boyfriend ‘I’m still waiting for that invitation to your working table’.” he scrolled down to the message you sent him weeks ago as a joke. “You really have no morals, right? Ew, kids are studying there.” he laughed and gave the phone back to you. “I was expecting a heated conversation but you I guess is still shy of him.”

“I’m not shy.” you protested, typing an answer to him.

to: Jinyoung

“I hope you didn’t kill anyone.”

“Huh?” Johnny made sounds again “what is that? You suddenly have no idea how to text?”

“Fuck off, I’m texting what I want to.”

from: Jinyoung.

“Barely.”

“Really want to see you.”

“Want to go eat? Or anything at all, I just want to sleep with you tonight.”

“Sleep with you? Doesn’t he know word sex exists?” Johnny opened his mouth again and you were ready to punch him.

“He means actual sleeping.”

“Huh?” Johnny asked surprised. “He comes over to just sleep? Wait… did you actually mean it when you said you were discussing books…? Did he really never …?” Johnny’s face looked genuinely surprised.

“It’s just nice sleeping with him.”

“And what is the difference to sleeping alone?”

“You want me to describe it to you?”

“Yeah, I don’t just sleep with anyone except for you. I guess there are differences.” he chuckled, making you laugh.

“There are, but I don’t want to tell you.”

“Why?”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“Show me then.”

“God, Johnny, be serious for at least second.”

“I’m sorry, I want to know now.” he steadied, watching you carefully. You thought to yourself what you could tell him, not coming up with anything not as cringey.

“Just that… his presence makes me feel better inside and out, I don’t want to go in detail, but when I just lie down and he wraps his hands around me I feel like I never want to move, ever again. I guess he feels that too. And when he kisses my cheek and runs...” you could practically feel his fingers run over your stomach, shivering at the thought. “I mean, yeah. It’s just nice, feeling his body heat while I’m asleep.” you stared blankly into the wall, realising you haven’t replied to Jinyoung yet.

to: Jinyoung

“don’t make me regret my decision to forgive Johnny and hang out with him tonight.”

“now I want to see you too ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ”

from: Jinyoung

“See? I told you you’ll make up.”

“I can come when he’ll leave.”

“He wish.” Johnny laughed into your ear.

to: Jinyoung

“I already promised him he can stay the night:(“

from: Jinyoung

“okay…”

“Send him a picture.”

“What picture?” you asked confused, turning your head to Johnny.

“Of yourself, give him something to jerk off.”

“He’s not going to do that. He’s not a teenager.” you scrunched your nose.

“Still, he’ll be very much pleased to see that. I’m sure you have shit tone of pics, just pic one, or I’ll pick the most nasty one.”

to: Jinyoung

“want to see me?”

from: Jinyoung

“I thought you said Johnny’s staying.”

“I do though.”

to: Jinyoung

“not like that.”

You moved your eyes up from your phone to Johnny, that was staring carefully at what you were about to do.

“If I’m going to do that, you won’t be able to see our conversation anymore.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know what he’ll say and I don’t want you to see the pic.”

“I thought we were in this together. I thought we were going to sext him.”

“No, what’s the point of it?”

“It used to be fun when we did that.”

“Those were random guys, Jinyoung’s not random. If I’m going to text him like that in front of you it’s going to be just me making fun of him. I’m not going to humiliate him like that.”

“What do you want then…? For me to leave the room so you could get yourself off too, so he wouldn’t be alone in this?”

“No, I don’t want any of it, I thought we were just having fun.”

“Yeah, we were.” Johnny sighed and moved back.

The sound of your phone drew your attention back.

from: Jinyoung

“You’re just going to ask me if I want to see you and then ghost me?”

“:(“

to: Jinyoung

“I’m sorry”

“it’s Johnny”

from: Jinyoung

“What Johnny? Texted me before?”

to: Jinyoung

“nononononono”

“said I should send you a pic of me since we won’t see each other, but I just …”

“felt shy maybe?”

from: Jinyoung

“very nice of him to think of me”

“but… now I’m curious, what photo you wanted to send, if you got shy…?”

“I never knew you can feel that ㅋ”

to: Jinyoung

“🤬”

from: Jinyoung

“I still want to see.”

“I’ll text you when I’ll get home.”

to: Jinyoung

“drive safely <3”

You threw your phone to the side, turning around to see what Johnny was doing. He scrolled mindlessly through his phone. You laid on your side, hugging his waist.

“If you want to sext for fun let’s do that with one of your random girls.” you whispered. “Who do you have now?”

“No one.” he sighed, locking his phone.

“How come no one? Not a single girl? Not one? Are you secretly dating someone and not telling me?” you moved back your face a little.

“Yeah, my dog.” he said sarcastically.

“I’m not going to judge you though.” you chuckled. “Then we can just have movies night.”

“Okay.” he nodded and reached out to the remote, turning the TV on.

from: Jinyoung

“I’m home and still curious.”

Your phone vibrated in the middle of the movie, going unnoticed by Johnny, that now was lying on your stomach with his head.

to: Jinyoung

“what you’re going to eat?”

from: Jinyoung

“you…?”

You chuckled, feeling cringe run over you.

to: Jinyoung

“I’m going to pretend I never saw the message… it’s so lame I don’t actually want to talk to you anymore…”

from: Jinyoung

“Okay.”

“I’ll go eat then.”

You put your phone back down, running your fingers through Johnny’s hair once again.

“The movie was fun though.” Johnny sighed, moving his body in your bed to lay comfortably.

“It was, though I’m sure we did see it before.”

“Yeah, probably.” he chuckled “it made me dead sleepy.”

“Go to bed my little angel.” you sang, caressing his cheek carefully.

“Should I hug you in sleep too? To feel my body heat and stuff?” he chuckled.

“You actually always hug me when we sleep.” you giggled.

“Do I?”

“Yup.” you nodded.

“I’m sorry I’m not Jinyoung then.” he sighed and hugged your pillow. “I might fall asleep now.”

“Want me to sing you a lullaby?” you chuckled and reached out to turn off the lights. Your hand fell onto Johnny’s waist hugging him. You closed your eyes, feeling like you could fall asleep easily too, and you did, before Johnny hit you with his long hand in his sleep, making you suddenly wake up. You sighed, moving away from him to your side of the bed. Closing your eyes, you tried to fall asleep, listening to his calm breathing. It felt as if sleep ran away from you, grabbing your phone you wanted to see what time it was, hoping it was at least close to morning.

“Fuck.” you sighed disappointed. 1:30 AM, it was still evening. You got surprised at how the both of you fell asleep quite early for either of you.

to: Jinyoung

“tell me you’re up”

from: Jinyoung

“I am.”

“What’s up?”

to: Jinyoung

“woke up because Johnny hit me with his hand while he was sleeping and now I don’t want to sleep at all”

from: Jinyoung

“I didn’t know you sleep in one bed.”

to: Jinyoung

“where did you see another bed in my house …”

from: Jinyoung

“There’s a sofa.”

to: Jinyoung

“…tell me you’re jealous without telling me you’re jealous?…”

“is it that type of situation???”

from: Jinyoung

“Huh?”

“I don’t know this.”

to: Jinyoung

“baby you’re not even old why do you act like a grandpa…”

from: Jinyoung

“…”

“I’m offended.”

to: Jinyoung

“you’re in your glasses right now, right?”

from: Jinyoung

“Yeah. I was reading before bed, how do you know?”

to: Jinyoung

“I’m telekinetic”

“and you’re all alone at your home laying and reading being a super sexy grandpa in your super sexy grandpa glasses :(“

“here”

from: Jinyoung

“What here?”

He replied quicker than you were able to pick the photo out of your photo album and send him.

from: Jinyoung

“…”

“Is this the photo you wanted to send me?”

to: Jinyoung

“yeah”

You texted and he kept quiet for a couple of minutes, making you wonder what he was thinking now.

“it’s the day after we went to the club…”

“your handprints on me are kind of sexy though, aren’t they?”

from: Jinyoung

“They are…”

to: Jinyoung

“Is that all you have to say?”

“I’m sorry I sent it I guess you’re not into that.”

from: Jinyoung

“I’m just trying to decide whether coming right now to yours is a good idea.”

“Or should I ask you to come to my house.”

to: Jinyoung

“”

“I just filmed it.”

from: Jinyoung

“Fuck, are you palming yourself next to sleeping Johnny?”

to: Jinyoung

“I might be, a single thought of you is enough”

“should I take my underwear off?”

from: Jinyoung

“Baby, shit, what do I do?”

to: Jinyoung

“so you’re saying you’re not touching yourself…”

“you’re not when I’m wet just from the thought of you in glasses?”

“I wish you did come.”

“I don’t even know what I want you to do to me more.”

from: Jinyoung

“Can you call me?”

to: Jinyoung

“so now you want to see a live show?”

from: Jinyoung

“No.”

“I mean, yes, but no. I just want to hear you say what you want me to do. Need to hear your voice.”

You slid out of the bed, debating whether bathroom or living room was a better option. Deciding on the living room, you grabbed your earphones, closing the door carefully. You dialled Jinyoungs number as soon as you sat down, seeing his worked up face in a second.

“Why you’re doing this?” he asked immediately.

“Doing what?” you whispered, still being scared of being caught by Johnny. “You said you’re curious, so I sent it to you.”

“No. Why did you start rubbing yourself? And sent it to me?”

“Because you said you’re wearing your glasses.” he chuckled at your reply, fixing his glasses on the nose.

“So…” he sighed and cleared his throat. “What is it you want me to do?”

“Wait” you laid your phone on the couch, pulling your sleeping pants and panties down your legs.

“Don’t get caught.” he sighed loudly, when your naked body got caught in the frame. You sat back down, bending your legs and spreading them.

“See?” You lowered your phone so your heat would be caught on camera. “I’m all red, swollen and wet just because I saw you.” you ran your fingers through your folds, looking at Jinyoungs piercing gaze through the phone. “I’m closing my eyes, and I can’t pick.”

“Pick from what?” he asked lowly.

“Tell me you’re hard?”

“I am.”

“I want to see.” you moved your fingers slowly, watching Jinyoungs camera get over his crotch, filming his hand stroking his hard cock that was poking through his gray sweatpants now.

“I can’t pick from wanting you in my mouth, on me or inside of me.”

“I can do all of it.” he sighed and moved the camera back to his face.

“I can practically feel your tongue against me.” you jerked your hips up “I can feel it running over my clit, I can feel you sticking it inside of me, and sucking. Jinyoung, I want your tongue.” you moaned, making your voice go louder.

“Fuck.” he sighed and you could hear him shuffle, probably setting his cock free.

“I want to see it. I want to see what I could’ve had in my mouth now. Fuck, I wish I could taste you on my tongue now. I’d let you fuck into my throat for my throat to hurt tomorrow. You know what I really want?”

“Mmmh?” he sighed, giving you a perfect sight of how his hand began pumping himself.

“I want to feel your tongue on me while your fucking into my mouth. Do you think you can do that?” your finger slid inside of you, making you hitch your breath.

“I’ll do anything for you.” he breathed in through greeted teeth.

“So you’ll let me ride your face beforehand? Your pretty face? I think your nose will be perfect for riding, while your tongue is taking me to heaven.”

“Fuck, don’t stop.” you watched his hand move faster.

“After that, I want you to just fuck me from the back. Like you can do it, like you like to do it. Just your hips slamming against mine until I’m begging for your mercy, while your hand is rubbing over my clit, making me cum hard, cuming hard inside of me, can you cum now for me?”

“Yeah…” his voice sounded like a screech.

“I want your cum on my tongue. I wish I could just lick it off you.” you whispered, feeling how your own high was approaching you. “I’ll cum, Jinyoung.”

“Yes, me too.” he sighed but it felt like he didn’t understand a word you said, being too focused on the idea of getting himself off. Your fingers began rubbing vigorously, watching his seed get over him through your phone. You squeezed your toes, making a little sound as your own high washed over you. “Fuck, what did you made me do just now.” he laughed, getting rid of white liquid over him.

“Have an orgasm?”

“Yeah.” he laughed again “We’re like teenagers that aren’t allowed to leave our houses and have to do this. You should’ve just come to mine and all your dreams would’ve come true.”

“Is that a promise? I’m getting turned on again.”

“Go to bed.” he sighed, sitting up properly.

“Like this?” you teased.

“No, put on your clothes and go.”

“Okay daddy.” you chuckled.

“I’m not into that.” he made a disgusted face.

“Me neither, you just forced it out of me with your words.” you chuckled, laying the phone on the couch once again. Putting everything back on, you showed it off specifically to Jinyoung. You sat down, getting your phone closer to your face.

“I love you… and yeah, it was my first time… I never did that.” you chuckled.

“I swear to god you were so good with your words.”

“It’s because you’re making me horny, you in glasses is just a double win.” Jinyoung laughed loudly “So you’re not going to tell me it was your first time too?” you furrowed your eyebrows.

“Well, it wasn’t.” he chuckled.

“What!?” you acted hurt.

“Im joking, it was. I love you and thank you… I actually needed it very much.” he looked into the camera lovingly. “Now I have to go to bed though, I have a lecture at 10.”

“Sleep tight, professor.” you sent flying kisses to him. “I love you.”

“Love you, bye.” he waved goodbye, hanging up.

-

You stood at the parking lot of the university Jinyoung worked at, coming at 9 just to make sure you didn’t come later than he did. You waited for twenty minutes, thanking God today was actually sunny and warm. You saw his car pull up into parking lot, parking not far from you. He didn’t notice you though, walking forward with his bag on his shoulder. He looked so baby-like, even though only a blind one wouldn’t notice his manly features.

“Hey, Mr. Park.” you called him out, forcing him to turn his head behind him. “Professor.” you called once again and he finally turned his head towards your direction.

“What you’re doing here?” he sounded excited, you were scared he’ll be annoyed.

“I came to bring you coffee and morning kisses, since you know, I didn’t let you sleep last night.” you looked him in the eyes, smiling. You didn’t expect him be affectionate or any of that, at the end of day he was a professor, he couldn’t make out with you at the parking lot. But still, despite your expectations, you felt his hands on your waist, pulling you in for a tight hug, moving you a little away, to see your face. Your hands hung over his neck.

“I see coffee, but I don’t see my morning kisses.” he bit onto his lip and watched you expectantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I though you’ll actually be against it and bought a donut instead.” he rolled his eyes annoyed, leaning in to kiss you sweetly. You felt his tongue trying to get inside of your mouth, opening it for him. You sucked onto it, forcing a low groan from him.

“Don’t turn me on.”

“You wanted a kiss though.” you protested and he pulled you in once again, forcing a moan out of you this time. “Just so you know, I’m already wet just from this.”

“Never come here again.” he pulled away, sitting his butt on top of your car and pulling you to stand between his legs and hug him.

“You promised to bend me over your table though.” you sighed into his chest.

“I didn’t, I said I won’t do that.”

“I thought you said you’ll do anything for me.”

“I do that and I might as well become jobless.” he chuckled.

“I’ll earn enough money for the both of us?” you lifted your head at him, but he ignored you, sipping on the coffee you brought. “Good?” you asked and he nodded, lowering his lips to kiss your nose. “I’m glad.” you sighed, wrapping your hands tighter over his chest. Closing your eyes, you were just relishing in the moment. You felt Jinyoung’s fingers as if accidentally brush against your butt.

“By the way, if you want to, we can go together to my parents this weekend, they will have a family gathering. I know you like those.” he chuckled.

“Wouldn’t it be rather awkward with your brother…?”

“Well, I told my mom about you, I guess she told him, or whatever. She invited you, told me to tell you. Plus… I don’t think he really cares.”

“You think he’s like my mom not caring…?”

“I really don’t want to be mean, but I don’t think he would recognise you unless you’ll tell him. He really don’t care.”

“Okay then.” you nodded, feeling Jinyoungs hand over your face, pulling it up.

“Cool.” he leaned in, kissing your lips carefully once again.

“Good morning, Mr. Park.” you heard from the side. Opening your eyes quickly and looking at three passing girls that were giggling loudly now.

“Good Morning.” he replied quickly, coughing.

“What year?”

“Third, I think.”

“Great, just a year to wait before I can break their necks freely.”

“You don’t have to.” he pecked your lips. “I have to go though, even students are coming in now. Thanks for the coffee, and doughnuts, and coming in general, I love you.” he sighed, running his fingers through your hair.

“I love you, Mr. Park.” you smiled and kissed his cheek, letting him go. You watched him walk, catching his little waving before he entered the building.

-

You rang the bell, waiting for Jinyoung to open the door. When you didn’t hear any signs of him approaching in 20 seconds, you pressed the button multiple times again.

“What took you so long?” you furrowed your eyebrows as soon as he opened the door. Grabbing onto the shirt on his stomach you pushed him inside of his apartment.

“I was in my bedroom, I can’t fly.” he chuckled, watching you take your shoes off in a hurry, pushing him once again to walk backwards in direction of the couch in his living room. Reaching the seating, you directed him to walk over it and pulled him to sit, crawling over his lap the next second.

“Hi.” you whispered into his lips, leaning in more to kiss him.

“Hi.” he made a light sound through the kiss.

“I missed you so-so much.” you sighed, running your pointing finger over his cheek. “You so should’ve went with me.” your lips kissed the corner of his lips.

“Same goes to you.” you finally felt his hands on you, with one, holding onto your waist and with the other holding onto your face, running his thumb down your throat. “My mom asked why you didn’t come.”

“So did mine.” you smiled lightheartedly, pecking his lips quickly. Your hands ran over his shoulders, sliding down to his palms. He allowed for you to hold them, and you put his hands around your waist, hinting to him that you wanted for him to hug you. Your own hands found their usual spot around his neck, hugging tightly. Jinyoung’s hands wrapped harder around too, you felt him resting his chin on your shoulder, breathing in your scent. You did the same, feeling that your head could go dizzy if you’ll breathe in any harder.

“This is the first time we were apart for a whole week.” you sighed, easing your grip on his neck.

“I know, I missed you.” he sighed, running his fingers over your thigh. His body rested more against the backrest of the couch, giving you access to his neck. You pecked the side of it quickly, not trying to turn this into anything.

“I missed this, just being wrapped around you. Missed your smell.” your lips kissed his neck again, rubbing your nose against it afterwards.

“What do I smell like?” he chuckled and brushed your hair out of your face to see you better.

“Babies?” you bit your lip.

“Huh?” judging face expression ran over his features.

“You smell like a sexy professor that I love, better?” you raised your head, watching his face turn into even more disgusted one. “Okay, then I don’t know. If you were able to sense it, then you would’ve understood. You smell like the best scent in the world. Hm, maybe that’s because you’re my favourite human in the world?” you smiled, biting down on your lower lip.

“Very biased.” his fingers pulled you in, leaving a soft kiss.

“I’m very biased when it comes to you.” you whispered into his lips.

“I love you.” he sighed, letting go of you. “So what did you do during this week?”

“You tell me first.” you sat up on his lap, drumming lightly on his stomach with your palms.

“Why?”

“Because I want to know it more.”

“Okay.” he moved under you, sitting more comfortably “I ate, slept, read books, hung with my family a little and actually met up with my friend from high school.” he spoke unemotionally.

“I see now why you replied to my messages that rarely and with no passion.” you sighed, raising your eyebrows.

“You texted me every three minutes, I can’t look at my phone that often.” he laughed, finding it amusing.

“Yes, three minutes, I gave you breaks.” You shook your head disapprovingly, making him laugh. “And those were important messages as well.” you squinted your eyes.

“You sent me videos from TikTok.”

“I asked you questions too. Plus I sent those for you to watch! How many of those did you watch?” you tried to inspect his face expression

“I didn’t count.” he chuckled.

“Okay, I see, books are more important than watching my videos and replying to my questions, I got you.” you nodded, sliding down to sit on his couch next to him.

“That’s what you get for dating a teenager. You don’t watch a video of a kitten they sent and now your whole relationship is in the middle of crisis.” he laughed openly now, throwing his head back.

“It’s not even that funny and I’m not a teenager. We’re almost the same age. I’m only three years younger, if you act like you’re 80, it doesn’t mean everyone have to act the same way.” you crossed your arms. Jinyoung leaned in, kissing your jaw.

“It is funny, just a little.” his lips moved higher up to the spot where your jaw met your ear. His hand got your hair out of his way. “You didn’t tell me, what did you do this week?” he whispered into your ear, kissing it afterwards.

“Nothing, just my teenager things.” he chuckled loudly at what you said, trying to hug you.

“If you’re going to keep acting grumpy, I won’t tell you what I wanted to.”

“What is it?” you turned your head to face him.

“Get back on my lap.”

“Are you sexualising a teenager?” you tried to annoy him for longer.

“This teenager just yesterday sent me an audio message in which the so named sexualised teenager vividly described what she’s going to do with my… you know, private parts, the day she sees me. I swear to god, even my ears turned red while I was listening to your sweet promises.” he made a throaty sound, sucking on the skin of your neck. “Come here, baby.” he leaned back, pulling you back onto him. His hand pushed your face against his, licking into your mouth. You let him kiss you, pulling back in a couple of minutes.

“But what was it you wanted to say?”

“Oh, right.” he licked his lips, running his thumb over your cheek. “We’ve dated for over a year now, right?” his eyes demanded your attention and you gave it to him.

“Yeah.” you nodded “A year and three months actually.” you corrected him, watching smile arise on his face, make those whiskers appear. “ 14 days, 12 hours and 35 seconds.” you added, after looking at his watch. He looked at you slightly confused. “I’m kidding. I have no clue.” you laughed. “You’re so easily convinced.” you pecked his lips.

“Only by you.” he smiled again, definitely forgetting what he was trying to say once again.

“So…?” you led him on.

“Yeah, you’re too distracting.” he chuckled. “I think we should live together. We’re spending so much time together anyway, isn’t it more convenient to just live together?” you thought you’ll burst from happiness. “I mean, if you want to, we can move together. Do you want to move in with me?”

“Or maybe you can move in with me…?” you bit on your lip. “Or? We can find a new place that will be ours only.” you hugged him, closing your eyes to imagine how beautiful life with Jinyoung would be.

“Yeah, we can do whatever you want to, I just want to live with you.” you raised your head to look at him again.

“Did I tell you you’re the best-best?”

“Maybe just best, not best-best.” he looked like he tried to remember.

“Love you, now you’re going to live with me and I’m going to force you watch those videos I send you through the day before the bed.”

“Fuck… can I take my proposition back?” he laughed, hiding his face behind his palm.

“No you can’t.” you furrowed your brows.

“Okay, then I guess I’ll have to seduce you every day so you’ll forget about those videos.” he sighed loudly.

“Why can’t you just watch them!?!”

“Now it’s the question of pride.” you shook your head disapprovingly.

“Should we start looking for apartments then?” he pulled you closer to his chest. You nodded, agreeing.

“Yeah, right after I make all those promises I gave you yesterday come to life.” he grinned, pulling your face for a kiss.

-

from: John

“hiiiiii”

“you home alone?”

to: John

“hi”

“yeah, why?”

from: John

“have you seen Jinyoung today…?”

to: John

“no… he’s busy preparing for Monday lectures…why?”

from: John

“hold up”

“I might be wrong”

to: John

“wrong about what…?”

You stared at the phone in confusion, trying to work out what Johnny was trying to say.

“hello…!???” you sent one more message when he didn’t reply in three minutes.

“okay… I’ll pretend you didn’t text me some random shit and then disappeared…”

You put your phone away, getting back to cooking, but all your mind could focus on was Johnny’s message.

“since when do you care about Jinyoung anyway…?”

You put the phone away, chopping carrots, feeling like you’re missing out on something… missing out on the point of Johnny’s messages. You re-read them again, feeling like you’re making things up in your head.

“did something happen…?”

“I mean you don’t even speak to Jinyoung how would you know…”

“You’re drunk?”

to: Jinyoung

“hiiii”

“how you’re doing?”

“I miss you :(“

-

“Hi.” Johnny leaned in and kissed your cheek. “Hi.” You smiled, watching him sit down. “I ordered an Iced Americano for you.”

“Thanks.” he stretched a smile. “You’re the best.”

“I know.” you chuckled “what was the nonsense you messaged me yesterday night?” you asked carelessly, looking at him.

“Oh… that.” he coughed awkwardly “I’m not going to say anything on that because you’re going to accuse me in lying.” he shook his head no, trying to switch the topic.

“Huh?” you furrowed your eyebrows. “You’re trying to say something but only making it worse by not saying. Something happened to him? Is he okay? He just sent me a single message in the past day saying that he’s alive but busy. Is he hurt?” you sat up straight, moving forward to Johnny.

“I gave a promise I won’t tell.” he sat back, resting his back against the seat.

“Johnny? Tell me, what happened to him? I’m going to cry.”

“I feel like you’ll cry anyway…”

“Huh?” you were ready to jump up. “Just fucking tell me.” you said dead serious.

“Promise me first you won’t say I lied, made it up and all that. Promise you won’t cry.”

“How can I promise that now when I’m already thinking he’s on the verge of death or something.”

“No, he’s fine. He’s totally fine I think.”

“What is it then?” you squinted your eyes, folding your arms.

“Okay…” he sighed loudly “I think I saw him at a club yesterday.”

“Hi, here’s your order, have a good one.” An employee came up, placing two glasses in front of you.

“Shit, Johnny, you fucking scared me.” you sighed enlightened. “I thought something happened to him. It probably wasn’t him. Can you even imagine, Jinyoung, at a club, and without me…? I can’t imagine that.” you chuckled. “He was preparing for his lectures last night.”

“But were you with him…?”

“No, he was at home, I was too.”

“I told you you should’ve went with us…”

“To make sure it’s not him?” you chuckled.

“No, but this is serious now. I thought the guy looks familiar, so I opened your insta and asked the girl I was with to look at your photo and see if it’s him. She said it’s him.”

“Okay…?” you raised your eyebrows.

“I think he has someone else, other than you.”

“John.”

“No, you promised to not react like that. I don’t want to say this to you, and I hate being in this position but I feel like I just have to spill everything I know.” he looked at you scared and you believed that he was sincere.

“The girl said that’s definitely him, she has no interest in this situation and she obviously isn’t blind. Two people can’t be wrong. She said she thinks she saw him there before. How many Saturday nights he spent preparing for his lectures but being with other girls…?”

“So you’re saying he was there with some girl? You want me to believe that you and some random girl saw Jinyoung at a club, and now you’re adding up a fact he was with a girl? I’m sorry Johnny, but have you mistaken my boyfriend with someone else?” you giggled, feeing weird. “She probably saw him before with me, since we went out together multiple times.”

“That was my exact thought. I showed her your photos, she said she never saw you. She said she usually saw him with different girls. I was like wait, hold up a sec, what the heck?”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“I swear to god, she said she saw him there last weekend too.”

“Johnny, if you’re trying to pull a joke it’s getting bad now.”

“Did you see him last weekend…?”

“No…I…D… We wanted to look for apartments but he said they gave him an extra lecture next week on the topic he barely knew. He had to stay home…”

“I’m not trying to…”

“Johnny, no.” you stopped him.

“No, love, listen. I care for you, I care for you more than I care for anyone else, even myself. I would’ve not said it if I didn’t check facts and I think he’s lying to you.”

“No, Johnny. I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding between all of us.”

“Y/n, I know you love him, I know you’ve been dating for over a year now…but men turn out to be shit sometimes, and if everything leads to him like that… I believe you have to ask him…”

“Johnny, he might’ve been there with a friend, I’m not his nun… why are you pushing this?”

“Because… well…. I… I saw him kiss that girl.”

“What?”

“I saw him kiss her and lead somewhere.” he looked you in the eyes. “I didn’t want to say it like that, but you just made me.”

“No.” you looked up, trying to stop tears from falling. “Don’t. If this is a prank, please stop now. Just stop.”

“I swear to god it’s not a prank, Y/n. I’m being honest. I’m no trying to joke around. It hurts me to say it as much as it hurts for you to hear it right now. He left with that girl? Have you seen him?”

“No… I haven’t, he didn’t text me either… Wait, I’ll call him. I can call him, right?” you chuckled and brought your phone out. Your fingers quickly found his name, pressing dial. “I’m calling.” you whispered, looking at Johnny, and he nodded, giving you a tiny boost of confidence. “He’s not picking up.”

“Wait a little longer.” Johnny suggested and you nodded.

“He’s not picking up.” you said in fear, when the call ended.

“Call once again, maybe?” you nodded, dialling his number once again, but you didn’t hear his voice even after this.

“Hi baby, call me back, when you see this.” you left a voicemail, throwing the phone at the table.

to: Jinyoung

“this is urgent, pick up.”

You texted, not being able to sit down calmly in your seat.

to: Jinyoung

“Jinyoung, where are you, please.”

“He’s not replying…” you sighed.

“It’s still could be not him.” Johnny said suddenly.

“Don’t try to make it better now…” you sighed, hiding your face in your hands.

“She took a picture.” he said quietly.

“Huh?”

“The girl I was with took a pic of that guy kissing… I mean… kissing… he shoved his tongue into her mouth like he was about to eat her from the inside.” he laughed but then stopped, seeing your pale face. “Want to see?”

“Yeah.” you nodded vigorously.

“I’ll ask her to send it to me.” he said, fishing his phone out to text her.

You stared at the window, putting all the prayers in the world for the guy on the photo to not be Jinyoung. Johnny felt too honest to make this up, too much detail, you would’ve just asked Jinyoung what is up, but since he had a photo… Your heart unwillingly was switching into believing all of this.

Johnnys phone vibrated on the table, making the both of you turn your heads to it. You raised your eyes and grabbed his phone the next second, typing in the password and looking at the photo. It was a Live Photo by chance, you pressed onto the screen and saw his shirt. There wasn’t any doubt it was him because you’d recognise his figure even in pure darkness. And here, in this short clip, where you could barely even see anything, you vividly saw his back, and the shirt he wore often. You could see girls fingers get on his waist in the last second, dropping the phone on the table.

“No, please, no. Please, not. It’s not him, it’s not my Jinyoung. He would never. He’s not like that.” you felt tears suddenly spill out of your eyes without control. You hid your face in your palms, wishing you weren’t in a cafe because you wanted to scream. Scream loudly to hide away the pain.

“I’m so sorry, Y/n, Jesus, Y/n, please don’t cry, it hurts my heart to see you cry, please.” Johnny jumped up from his seat, sitting next to you on the couch and forcing you to cry into his chest. You felt his hand caress your hair.

“Do you know how much it hurts me? Do you know how much it hurts when the only person you trusted and loved in the whole entire world turned out to be a liar and a snake? Do you know how much this hurts. I can’t feel anything except for the pain, it hurts here, Johnny. What did I do wrong? Why?” you cried into his chest, not caring about the volume of your cries anymore.

-

You laid your phone on the bed right next to you after texting the girl that presumably was with Jinyoung that night. You didn’t find a better option than ignoring him completely for the sake of your relationship for the whole day. You knew it would be both embarrassing and disrespectful to accuse him in things, tell him things and ask about them before you know for sure. You chose the strategy you found the smartest and followed it thoroughly, not replying to his messages wishing to see you or talk to you in general. You felt your hands get cold, you were scared and felt like the time stopped moving at all, waiting to hear the sound of a message.

“Hey, baby, you’re here?“ You heard, lifting your eyes up. Jinyoung peeked from behind the door. “You ignored me for the whole day today. Is there something wrong with my phone? Did you not get my messages?“ He walked closer, dropping his backpack onto the floor next to your bed. You watched him move around, not replying to any of his words. “Today was hellish.“ He sighed and laid his body carefully atop of you. You felt his lips on your neck. Leaving a long kiss. “Hey, are you not going to reply or even hug me? What happened?“ He raised his head, furrowing his eyebrows. “Did something happen at work?“ You felt his thumb caress your cheek carefully and you were ready to burst.

“I’m okay.“ You sighed heavily, moving your face from his touch. “How did the lecture you prepared for through the whole weekend went like?“ You asked, swallowing. Your eyes fell onto your phone, hoping to see a message that had something in it that sounded like ‘I never saw the guy before’, but she didn’t reply and pissed you off endlessly.

“I feel like I could’ve done better. Maybe I should’ve prepared more… I don’t know. there’s this one girl…“ you raised your eyes at him “She’s in her third year, I think she’s pretty smart, she really listened to me thoroughly, plus she asked questions… nobody really listened except for her and a couple of other students. It’s always like that when it comes to lectures. I’m used to it but this subject… I guess I was just too nervous myself, no one probably noticed…“ he sighed and looked at you silently for a second. “It don’t matter though, what happened with you?“ He furrowed his eyebrows “Are you mad I didn’t come to sleep? I knew you’d be pissed.» He sighed and leaned it. “I’m off tomorrow. I’ll stay here and ‘ll wait for you to come from work and make it all up for missing out on the weekend.“ You felt his lips peck yours, but didn’t react. “Baby, I love you, don’t be grumpy. You know it’s not my fault the other groups professor got sick.“ He lied down atop of you again, hugging you tightly. “Did you go anywhere on the weekend?“

“No.“ You said quietly, biting your tongue down to not ask if he did.

“I promise we’ll go anywhere you want to this upcoming Saturday, okay?“ You felt his nose rub against your neck, shivering.

“It depends.“ You gulped, pulling yourself from under him to sit up.

“We can go to that fancy restaurant you told me about, baby, you’re making me feel bad, I don’t know what to do to make you feel better. I came to yours right after I finished work. I’ll decline every possibility for working over time from now on just to spend all the time with you. I though you’ll be happy to see me, I thought you’ll want to hang out with me, maybe look for apartments?“ your eyes focused on his face when he mentioned it, lighting his face up with a knowing smile. You opened your mouth to finally speak to him properly, when you heard your phone make a sound, making all of your insides fall down your body. “Who’s that?“ He asked confusedly when you grabbed the phone immediately, trying to focus your eyes on what was written in the message. Everything was getting blurry and you had to re-read first sentence 3 times before you could catch what was it saying.

“hi babes x

sorry I made you wait so long yeah, Im pretty sure the guy you sent me a picture of was the guy I slept with this weekend

if only I knew he’s taken

btw he never contacted me since, if it makes it better to you“

“No it fucking doesn’t“ you threw the phone, standing up, making Jinyoung fall onto his side.

“What happened? What’s going on?“ He sat up, furrowing his eyebrows.

“Do you have a bag or something?“

“Huh? Yeah, the backpack with my laptop.“ He pointed with his finger at the bag “Why?“

You walked to it, opening it wide, and laying it on your bed like that. “Baby, what you doing?“ Jinyoung’s eyes ran after you.

“Just packing things that you’ve been leaving constantly in my house.“

“Why?“ You raised your eyes at him, seeing him becoming pissed off now. You sighed dramatically, placing one of the shirts into his bag from the hanger.

“Excuse me, but what the fuck?“ Jinyoung’s palms wrapped around your wrist. “What the fuck gotten into you?“ He looked concerned and mad all at the same time.

“I’m totally fine. I just want your things to be with you.“ You said calmly, trying to pull so he’d let go.

“Okay, let’s pretend that’s it, but why you’re like this to me?“

“You don’t understand?“ You furrowed your eyebrows, staring him in the eyes.

“No, I don’t understand, if you didn’t guess that yet.“ His fingers eased his hold on you, making you pull your hands from him, to cross them over your chest.

“Where you were this Saturday night?“

“You know where I was, I was at h...“

“That’s a fucking lie!“ you exclaimed, not being able to hold yourself together anymore.

“Did Johnny tell you?“

“Yes, he did.“

“He was the one who told me to keep it secret if I love you and he literally told you this straight up, fucking Johnny.“

“Guess he loves me more than you do.“ You chuckled annoyingly. Fucking Jinyoung, you thought to yourself. He didn’t even try to refuse it, he straight up admitted he cheated three seconds after you asked him.

“What a fucking dick you are!“ You exclaimed aloud, getting back to what you were doing - getting rid of all his things.

“What? Baby, come on. I just met with Johnny, I know I should’ve told you but he said we should keep it between us. He said we should finally get along, but I guess it was just his way to fuck us over again. I lied but its not something you can call me a fucking dick about. I’m sorry, okay?“ He stood up, trying to hug you from the back, but you pushed him off. “Baby, come on.“ He pulled you with force, making you turn around.

“So fucking some bitch in the bathroom at the club is not something that worth me being mad? It doesn’t matter how you got there and why. What matters is that you shoved your fucking tongue into this girls mouth, all that matters is that you went into a fucking bathroom and fucked her there. You know, how I tell every fucking person I know how my boyfriend is the kindest, smartest, basically the best and the most caring boyfriend I could ever ask for? Can you even imagine, how delusional i got? My first proper relationship, I thought I got so lucky to straight up stay with you for my entire life because you were so perfect it almost felt unreal but you were right here, made me feel great in every way possible and you made me believe in everything. If you at least tried right now to deny, I would’ve believed. I rather believed you than Johnny, or the girl, but you didn’t. You just destroyed everything I believed there was. Please take your things and go. Let’s just end it here, I don’t want to cry and scream. I’m not like this. I guess Johnny was right. Relationships are just not something I’m built for.“

“Y/n, wait, baby? What you’re saying? What girl? What’s all this? Why you’re breaking up with me because I just went to meet with Johnny at a fucking club. What did he tell you? None of it is true.“ His hands tried to hold you, but you pushed him away, hating the feeling of his fingers over you.

“It always seemed to me so weird or impressive, I don’t know which one, when I think how you can freely kiss someone or even sleep with them, like you are just doing it boldly. I would have so many concerns and everything, it just makes me think how really different we are.” 

“Are you trying to insult me?” 

“I don’t know. Just…” he moved his eyes at you and you got caught up in them. “Go in.” he said making you snap back and realise the elevator is here. 

“If your thinking bad of me just say it.”

“I don’t.” 

“I’m not jumping just at anyone. He’s actually nice and he might be my boyfriend when the time comes, who knows?” you tried to not seem upset in front of Jinyoung. 

“You’re right, but if he was someone else you probably would’ve been somewhere else right now.”

“Are you…” you didn’t know if he was going this way or was just concerned about your mental stability and all in all safety “are you not okay with me having sex with whoever it is…?” you just blubbered it out since it was sitting right at the tip of your tongue. You were just hoping he’d say yes and then you’ll just be convinced he loves you. The door of the elevator opened and he just walked out of it, leaving you without an answer. 

“Which way?”

“Oh, here.” you walked  with him now, getting in front of your door. 

“Sleep tight, then…?” he asked unsure. 

“Can you come in? I feel dizzy. You’re probably right, I drank too much.” your fingers grabbed onto his wrist as if he’d run away. 

“So…”

“Sona is sleeping, I don’t think she’ll wake up any time soon if you’re saying she’s drunk.” 

“Okay… just for 5 minutes.” you nodded in reply and opened the door to walk in. 

“So what you think? I think it’s better than my old one.” 

“It’s pretty here.” his eyes ran around when he walked forward. 

“I should give you coffee.” 

“It’s fine.” he protested quickly, catching up with you and holding onto your shoulder when you tried to get to the coffee machine.  

“Jinyoung…” 

“What?”

“Please take the dress off me.” he chuckled taken aback and looked at your serious face. 

“Not funny, Y/n.” 

“I’m not trying to be funny. I’m just loaded with cocktails.”

“And…?” he asked and took a step back which you found funny. 

“Don’t you ever just look at me and think fuck everything? Don’t you ever want us to be together again?

“Y/n just go to bed.”

“Not answering automatically means you want me.”

“If I’ll say yes, I have thought of it maybe once, it’ll give you hope and saying no will get you upset. There’s no right answer.”

“Don’t do something right once.”

“Well I did it once, when I decided to go out with Johnny, now I’m just not ever trying it again.” 

“So does that mean you’re just hiding your true feelings?” 

“No, it doesn’t necessarily mean it.” 

“Let’s be honest? I want you, I always want you. I miss you, I love you so much. Nothing ever changed for me. I don’t know how it works, I never was in love for real before and maybe it’s just the way I am, but I can’t fall asleep without you. Sometimes I feel like someone hit me with a rock right Into my chest and I can’t breathe because I realise I don’t have you next to me. I really want to tell you sometimes please forget everything and come back, but I know you can’t be like that. I’m… I just don’t know. You’re the only reason I’m still breathing. You’re  the only reason I’m still going outside even if I’m scared to. I love you, Jinyoung.“

“God, Y/n.”

“Can you at least hug me?” he nodded quickly and took a step back to you, but you were quicker, closing the space between you two. Your arms wrapped around his waist, tucking your face into his chest. “I promise, I will stop with this, I just need a little more time.” 

“It’s okay.” he whispered quietly and caressed your hair. 

“I want you so badly too. Even now.” you pulled back a little and felt your mind being completely blurred. “Can’t we have sex? Just this once? I won’t tell anyone, I really need it. Jinyoung, please? Didn’t you tell me I can come to you with everything, you promised to help me with everything. I’m soaked just from a single thought of you fucking me. I swear to God it’s hard to even stand straight, Jinyoung, I’m not lying. See, I’m shivering from how much I’m turned on.” you forced his eyes to run down your arms. Somehow you convinced your own self he’ll give in and you were practically waiting for him to drug you on the couch behind him. 

“Even if I wanted to do it badly, you know I wouldn’t.”

“Break up with her.” you blabbered quickly. 

“Y/n.” he said strictly but it made you want him even more. 

“I know you won’t cheat even if you’d be wasted. I have a better plan, we can masturbate looking at each other, it’s not cheating but it’s something. You can blame me for everything later.” 

“Please, just let me make sure you’re in bed and leave.” 

“Let’s go to bed.” you held onto his wrist fiercely and dragged him to your room. It was almost empty and unpretty yet, but he probably wasn’t able to see anything in the dark. You lowered yourself on the bed quickly and Jinyoung sat next to your laying body. 

“Are you going to sleep in this?” 

“No.” you shook your head quickly and raised your hands towards the buttons. Jinyoung stared at your fingers or maybe at your chest, you couldn’t know for sure, but when you undid  two more buttons, the next one leading to your bellybutton, Jinyoung’s fist laid atop of yours. 

“Want to help me?” you asked innocently knowing damn well he’s not. “Don’t act like you never liked my body.” 

“I didn’t even say anything.”

“You can just get me off with your fingers. It’s not even anything serious, it’s just fingers. Jinyoung, please, we’ll never speak again if you’ll reject me. I’m embarrassing myself too much right now.” 

“So what?” he spoke louder than before. 

“So what if we never speak again?”

“No, so what do you want. Want me to finger you, sleep with you, whatever, it doesn’t matter. What’s next? You won’t stop after once, you’ll just want it all the time. You’ll want me to leave Sona, get back with you, or even better. You’ll start sabotaging me to sleep with you and what’s next? If you went home with that guy you’d be moaning his name now and wouldn’t even think of me, but because he rejected you you’re trying very boldly to make me fuck you. It won’t happen.”

“Jinyoung.” you gulped. “Just say it.” you pushed his hand off you and sat up, holding onto two pieces of the dress to keep it together.

“Say what?”

“That you hate the thought of me, that you’ll never want me. That all of it is just out of pity. You called me a whore already so just throw it all at me.” 

“It’s not even what I’m saying.”

“Add up to all this that I never understand you and please leave.” 

“What are you saying? What is all this?” 

“Just go, Sona is waiting.” you wiped tears off your cheeks. 

“Y/n, please, don’t make me feel terrible.” 

“No, Jinyoung. You don’t understand that I can’t be your friend. It’s impossible, I just can’t take it. It’s the end, bye, have a great life, please send me a wedding invitation when you’ll have one. Go.” 

“I don’t want to lose you when I just found you.” 

“Jinyoung, but I can’t. Can’t you see that I can’t?” you broke down again and hid your face in your palms. 

“Oh, please, Y/n, I love you so-so much too, you’re taking all of my mind and heart, but just no.” you felt Jinyoung pull you in to hug. 

“Why?”

“I just can’t do all of it once again, I want to keep on the low, keep it quiet and simple with Sona.”

“You’re just saying I’m too much?”

“No, I’m not saying you’re too much.”

“But you just can’t take me.” 

“I have a girlfriend.”

“I’m so tired.” you felt heavy and he allowed for you to lie down on the bed, lowering his body with you. “Can you stay until I fall asleep?”

“What if I’ll fall asleep too? Sona’s in the car.”

“If you love me so-so much, can you at least kiss me goodbye?” he shook his head a strict no. 

“I meant like a friend.” you closed your eyes hopelessly and let go of him. You thought he’ll leave immediately but he didn’t move at all. You opened your eyes and noticed him looking at you. You could practically feel how somewhere in parallel universe he smashed his lips against yours, but here he was sitting and looking at you. “What you’re sleeping in?” 

“This.” you ran with your hand under the duvet, getting a simple pair of pants and a shirt. 

“Want to change into them?” he asked and you suddenly realised you were laying in front of him in a half-undone dress. He didn’t even take a single glimpse at you and it made you feel humiliated. 

“I want to take shower first. You can go, I’m fine.” you forced a smile and expected him to leave. 

“I’ll wait for you, okay?” 

“If you want to…?” you said confused and he moved himself away, allowing for you to stand up. 

You got out of the shower in less than 10 minutes seeing Jinyoung in the same position as before. He seemed to be sitting there like that this whole time. You walked back to bed planning to get into it when you felt Jinyoung’s cold fingers on yours. It wasn’t even cold in your room, you couldn’t understand why he was freezing. 

“You want the truth?” you gulped and froze. Whatever he was about to say would probably bring you more pain than before. “I was obsessing over you, not sleeping at all or actually, I slept in your bed for a week maybe because I was hoping you’d come home at one point. Then I came once and the code wasn’t matching, I knocked on the door but someone else lived there now. I was furious, I couldn’t believe I missed out on you just like that. I couldn’t believe you moved away like this. Everything was just adding up and I was just furious and heartbroken. How could we brake up like this? I thought to my self all the time. I just couldn’t believe it and felt like we’ll meet anytime. I just believed you were my one and only. I lived like this for what feels like forever. When this semester came, we got a new intern, it was Sona, I couldn’t even remember her name at first because I was only focused on you, I couldn’t even notice she was flirting with me because I’d replay in my brain constantly the way you talked with me. When my birthday came I realised I’m living it wrong, you’re not going to pop out of nowhere on the street, I pushed you to the back of my brain and suddenly realised there’s life. Sona asked me out and I agreed because I finally wanted to move on, then I just realised I should ask her to date. You know what’s funny? When I bumped into you, it’s been not even a month since we began dating. When I gave up, you actually popped out of nowhere, when I tried to live without you, you are in front of me asking for love. But I just can’t, I really can’t. Because of Sona, because maybe it was Gods plan after all? He broke us off and the both of us took it hard, I was allowed to move on and met you afterwards maybe just like a sign that look, you were never meant to be together? You’re fine without her too. She’s here and you’re okay just like that.” you felt him pull your hand closer to his face and he laid it against his cheek. You squeezed your eyes to not cry loudly. “But now I just know nothing. I might be wrong, you might be wrong. I don’t know if we should find it out ourselves or keep on living the life we’re living right now. Y/n, I really don’t know. I just don’t want to do anything bad towards you, towards Sona too, it would be just wrong, you know it, right?” 

“I know, Jinyoung, I’m so sorry. For everything I said today and wanted you to do. I’m wrong and I know I’m making it all hard for you. I’m so sorry, I really am.” he didn’t reply leaving the room quiet. 

“I really need to go, it’s super late, my first lecture is at 10.” he stood up and let go of you completely. “No need to walk me out, I’ll just close the door. Good night.” 

“Good night.” you whispered back and sat on the bed only when you heard him lock the door. 

-

from: Jinyoung 

“did you pick the cartoon we’re watching today?”

You looked at your phone confused not expecting at all to receive any texts from Jinyoung. Since the night of embarrassment you felt like he left for good and neither of you tried to reach out and you took it as a silent goodbye. 

The only texts you were getting these days were from Junwon and seeing Jinyoung’s name on the screen made you feel uneasy once again. 

to: Jinyoung 

“you still want to go…?”

from: Jinyoung 

“I thought we agreed on it”

to: Jinyoung 

“are you sure?”

from: Jinyoung 

“what do you mean? why would I be not sure?”

to: Jinyoung 

“never mind”

“no, I didn’t pick but I’ll” 

from: Jinyoung 

“just let me know what time” 

to: Jinyoung

“k”

“What’s up? You look quite burdened.” Junwon’s fingers moved your hair off your bare shoulder, placing his lips against it. 

“Just a message I didn’t expect.” you chuckled and pushed back to lay. Junwon’s hand laid around your shoulder and he explicitly stared into your phone. 

“Cartoons?” he asked sarcastically and pressed his face against your ear. Having only slept with him three times you noticed his habit of getting affectionate after sex, and even though you kind of liked it, the rest of the time the both of you were barely a couple and the fact that you didn’t really like him that way wasn’t adding up to that. 

“Want to go?”

“Watch the cartoon?” 

“Yeah.” you turned to look at him. 

“Okay.” he moved in and you could feel his other hand snake down your waist. 

“Wait, I have to look up the time.” 

“Do it after.” Junwon’s hand pulled your phone from yours, leaning over you more to put it onto the bedside table and drag you under him. 

-

“Hello.” you smiled brightly at Jinyoung. 

“Y/n, hi! It’s nice seeing you again.” Sona looked at you moving her eyes down onto your fingers that were intertwined with Junwon’s. “And who’s that?” she smiled cheekily and your eyes moved to Jinyoung who stared at you confused. You wanted to hug him at first but then thought that it might be the wrong idea. 

“That’s Junwon, he’s a friend of mine.” you told her quietly. “Junwon, that’s Jinyoung and Sona, you saw them at the club where we met.” you smiled and pointed at them with your intertwined hands. 

“Hi, hi.” he smiled politely and you regretted the idea of this double date. You thought seeing Jinyoung one on one would be awkward but this all was as awkward too. 

You sat next to Jinyoung with the idea of him maybe willing to talk during the cartoon in your head. Taking quick glances at him every now and then, you took in how he sat calmly being consumed into the cartoon completely, founding it adorable how his eyes were running over the screen. Jinyoung turned his head and caught you staring, turning to look at you too. You tried to pretend you didn’t see it but his body moved closer and you had to turn back to see him. 

“What?” you moved your head like you didn’t expect to catch his attention. 

“So you’re dating him now…?” he whispered lowly and moved his shoulder closer to yours, accidentally touching Junwon’s fingers that were laying on your shoulder with his and moved back immediately. You wanted to reply but Jinyoung looked so distant you killed the idea of doing so. 

Your eyes still tried to catch a glimpse of him and Sona, seeing her leaning in to lay against his shoulder. 

“Anyone’s hungry or is it just me?” Sona laughed walking into the hall. “It was such a great idea of yours, Y/n, to watch a cartoon. Are you doing this often? This is really refreshing.” you smiled back at her. 

“Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it.” you turned your eyes to look at Junwon that stared into his phone now. “Did you like it?” 

“Yeah, that was fun.” he smiled and kissed your temple leaving you startled. This probably needed to be discussed, you probably should talk with him about your relationship. 

“So no one’s hungry?” Sona said cutely to Jinyoung and you had to look away awkwardly. Junwon’s eyes met yours holding in a giggle he hid in your hair. 

“I’m kind of hungry, but we really have to leave you, I’m sorry.”

“Huh, we are?” you looked up at Junwon confused.

“Yeah.” he nodded and you didn’t know if you felt thankful for that decision or disappointed because you would have to leave Jinyoung’s side. 

-

“You wanted to leave, right?” Junwon asked you when the both of you walked into his apartment with bags of take out. His dog ran up to the door barking excitedly. 

“Hi baby.” you sounded too high pitched and thought of Sona immediately. “I don’t know actually, but maybe I’m glad we did.” you smiled at him and stood back up with the puppy in your arms. “I’m surprised you could sense that.” 

“I’m observing.” he smirked and leaned in to kiss the top of his dogs head. 

“Very sweet of you.” 

The both of you walked into the living room, placing yourselves onto the floor next to the couch. Junwon’s apartment looked spacious and modern, you only been here once before, but you loved everything about this place. It didn’t look anything like Jinyoung’s, you just couldn’t throw the thought out of your brain. 

Junwon felt like a friend that you knew for years. Spending time with Junwon felt like you were with Johnny but maybe even better. You missed Johnny, you needed him in your life and it pained you to even have the thought of wanting him after everything. Sometimes you wondered what he was up to but it only lasted for a minute, before you’d get to the part where he probably hurts you. 

Maybe, just maybe, you thought to yourself before you went to bed in those past couple of weeks that what you needed was not Johnny, what you needed was someone who could listen to you and understand you. What happened and what was now happening between you and Junwon was something that was meant to happen between you and Johnny. You couldn’t help but wonder what was wrong with him or you, or just the whole situation that you couldn’t take him in so lightly the way you did with Junwon. 

“You know, I actually wanted to tell you something” Junwon’s hand pulled your face back from his lips when you felt like kissing away the thoughts of Johnny from your brain after your dinner. 

“What is it?” you smiled and licked your lips. 

“I really have to be straight up with this probably.”

“What? Are you sick or something?” you asked him confused, you’d rather hear that than a love confession. 

“Jesus, no.” he chuckled and looked weirdly at you. “It’s about you and me.” you closed your eyes in fear and anticipation. “You’re really fun, I’m glad I met you, and those couple of weeks they were just wonderful… I love your company, I love hanging out with you, I love the sex and I can’t believe how beautiful you are.” you opened your eyes quickly to look at him. “It’s just that I don’t love you like you probably want me to and I just had to let you know, before you get your hopes up too high.”

“What?” you chuckled not believing your ears. 

“I’m sorry if I hurt you, I just had to be honest. I should’ve said this earlier, I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend but you were just undeniable. My ex just chose New York over me and I’m honestly just not ready to try something with…” you stopped him mid sentence by raising your palm up. 

“You don’t what? Please say it once again.”

“I don’t love you like that. I love your company, but not… you know.”

“And you think I’m in love with you?” you bit onto your lip trying to hide your smile. 

“I can’t be sure but you act kind of like it?” he looked at you very confused and you just couldn’t hold back but giggle. 

“Oh my god, Junwon, I really thought there for a second you wanted to confess your love to me.” you kept on laughing holding on to his shoulder. 

“What? Why you’re laughing?” he asked confused and you had to put in all of your strength to stop laughing. 

“I don’t know how to not sound mean while saying it, but I don’t love you either. I love same things about you, but I don’t love you like a boyfriend or whatever.”

“Somehow you make me want to feel offended.” he chuckled and silence fell over the room. “Wait… so does this mean we can continue everything as it is…?”

“Only if you’re sure you won’t fall in love with me. I kind of don’t want to deal with those problems.” you smiled widely. 

“I’ll try my best, promise to do the same.” 

“Oh, on that, you don’t have to worry about it.”

“Why?” he stared at you and you looked over the room. “You love Jinyoung, right?” 

“What made you think so?” 

“How you stare at him, how you don’t really like Sona and just everything mixed together really screams you’re in love.” 

“Annoyingly observing you are.”

“But I’m the one who gets to sleep with you, why?” he took the wine glass off the table, taking a sip.

“It’s a very long story.”

“I love long stories.” he pulled you in for a kiss. 

“But should I take your affectionate behaviour as a sign of you falling in love with me?” you tried to joke around to change the subject. 

“I’m not a teenager, we’re not teenagers. We can be responsible fuck buddies, I don’t need to push you away every time you’d like to kiss me. We can be affectionate to a crazy point, what matters is that the both of us know what all of this actually means.” 

“Mmmh, Junwon, the way you think it’s just so… stop or I’ll fall in love.” you whispered into his lips, caressing his chest slowly. His hands pulled you onto his lap and now you could freely rock your hips against his. 

“Honestly, I don’t think I’ll be able to do it once more today, it happened too many times for just 12 hours.”

“Looks like a picked the wrong guy if he can’t keep up with me. I thought we were on the same page.” Junwon rested his head against the couch hopelessly. 

“Your eyes kind of look like turned to the side commas.”

“What?” he laughed. 

“When you look in specific directions, they really do.” 

“Shut up.” his fingers pulled your face in. 

-

from: Jinyoung 

“hi”

“we haven’t talked in a while”

to: Jinyoung 

“oh, hi” you texted startled. Your last message in this conversation was dated from three months ago. 

from: Jinyoung

“It’s Sona’s birthday this weekend. She wants you to come.” 

“With your boyfriend.”

“I don’t know if the two of you are still together but I thought I should still ask you to come even though we don’t really speak.”

to: Jinyoung. 

“it’s fine (:”

“We’ll come if you’re not against it”

“should we bring a gift or something?”

from: Jinyoung

“why would I be against it!”

“it’s up to you, I don’t really know.”

to: Jinyoung 

“Will you send me the address or…?”

from: Jinyoung 

“Sure.” 

“I’ll be very glad to see you.”

to: Jinyoung 

“cool” 

You dialled the number, dropping your head back onto the pillow. 

“Mmh?” Junwon murmured into the phone. 

“You’re not sleeping yet?”

“I’m at work.” 

“At this hour?” 

“Yeah, the codes won’t write themselves.”

“Okay you nerd, when will you be free?” you mumbled into the phone. 

“What happened?”

“Come over.” 

“After midnight.” he said after a long pause, probably checking what time it was. 

“Okay, I’ll wait for you.”

“Okay.” you could feel him hang up. 

“Wait, wait.”

“Yeah?” 

“I might fall asleep, come in yourself.”

“Okay, I will.”

“Thank you, bye.”

“Bye-bye.” 

-

“Ugh, damn.” you could hear him hit his foot on the tripod you left next to bed. “Hi, are you sleeping?” he whispered slowly, propping his body on your bed. 

“No.” you mumbled still half asleep, moving your body to lay against his. 

“What happened, why you wanted me to come?” 

“Maybe I just missed you.” you tried your best to get back to life and open your eyes. 

“Very not true.” he leaned in and left a kiss on your forehead. 

“I just wanted to release stress, but it kind of went away itself. Maybe you can just stay the night.” you sighed heavily. 

“You hate when I just stay to sleep.”

“No, who said that?” you cackled and moved your head up, finally being able to move your body. “You’re my boyfriend, aren’t you?” you smirked unstoppably. 

“I said it once,” he exclaimed on the last word “Because my younger sister is annoying, you will never let me live off it?”

“No.” you giggled and hugged his waist. The room fell quiet. 

“I’ll take a shower then.”

“No, wait.”

“Huh?”

“Are you free this Friday?”

“Yeah, in the evening.” he nodded.

“Will you be my boyfriend for the night?” 

“What’s up?” 

“Jinyoung said Sona invited me and my boyfriend to her birthday this Friday.”

“Okay… why you agreed?”

“Because he added ‘I don’t know if you two are still together’. He thinks I can’t date someone? Or does he think no one will date me? We’ll go there and shove our happy ever after right into his arrogant face.” you felt yourself getting worked up. 

“I love how he gets you excited in just a second.” 

“Oh, you, shut up.” you slapped his shoulder. 

“Why should I agree?”

“I’ll try to ignore the fact your sister thinks we date.”

“Swear?” he asked serious making you laugh. 

“Pinky swear.”

-

“No way.” Junwon said amazed. 

“That’s pretty insane for a grown up birthday party.” you chuckled. 

“Don’t you call her a child?” he chuckled at you. 

“Dude, she’s 26 now.” you took a quick glance at him, walking towards the big mansion in front of you. You guessed this gigantic house was rented, balloons and all the lights made the place looked like there was a fancy party going on. You sighed and felt Junwon’s palm against yours. 

“Whatever it is, we’re here to have fun, right?” you looked at him again and he squeezed your hand reassuring. 

“Right.”

“Don’t be nervous over Jinyoung. You’re doing great without him and we’re here to shove our happy ever after into his face, remember?” you giggled and shook your head agreeing. 

“I love you.” you laughed mindlessly. 

“Huh?” Junwon’s grimace made you laugh even harder. 

“I mean like a human, Jesus.” you rolled your eyes, trying to punch him in his shoulder. His hand caught yours mid action, pulling you in quickly to kiss. “What, what are you doing?” you tried to pull back because kissing was not something that was in your routine now. 

“Y/n, hi!” Sona sang behind you, sounding like she still walked towards you and you realised what he was doing. “Oh, Jinyoungie, look at these lovebirds, they just arrived and already are glued to each other.” she giggled and you thought it’s time to say hi maybe since it seemed like they stood next to you now, but Junwon moved his hand to your cheek and kissed you more. “That’s what I meant, when I asked you to kiss me when they’ll bring out the cake.” Sona giggled awkwardly and you tapped Junwon’s shoulder so he’ll move back. 

“I’m sorry, he’s just very annoying…” you giggled and looked at Sona. Junwon moved his hand to lay over your shoulder. 

“Hi.” he said politely, shaking Jinyoung’s hand. 

“Happy Birthday, Sona.” you said excitedly and she jumped clapping her hands, suddenly pulling you in for a hug. Your eyes met Jinyoung’s in action and you froze in Sona’s arms. 

“I’m glad you came, the more guests the better. We’re going to have so much fun tonight.” she giggled into your ear. You felt Junwon pull you back and caress your side. “I rented this house for my sleep over themed party.”

“Oh, Jinyoung didn’t say anything about the theme.” even saying his name made you feel like you had little weights on your tongue. 

“It’s fine, you don’t have to worry, we have pyjamas for everyone at the entrance, let’s go, it’s going to be so much fun.”

“Yeah, let’s go.” you chuckled too, letting Sona pull you with her. 

You couldn’t hold back a chuckle when Jinyoung protested politely over putting the pyjamas she had prepared, only making you accept the pj’s ever so excitingly.

“Ya, Junwon, you actually look cool in these!” you chuckled turning to see him. 

“It’s fine on you too.” 

“Thanks.” you stretched out a smile.

“Jinyoung probably won’t wear the pj’s.” you said it not knowing exactly what you wanted to hear from him in reply.

“If he loves her, he’ll give in.” Junwon said mindlessly and extend his hand to get the bag with your clothes. He put both of them into their designated place with your names written under. His hand pulled you out of the room and your eyes immediately met Jinyoung. He stood there in his own clothes looking as handsome as ever. This was something you could never understand. You loved being with Junwon, you found him attractive and pretty, but Jinyoung just standing there not even looking your way made you feel breathless and insane. 

“You think they fought?” you asked when Junwon pulled you towards the other side of the house. 

“I don’t know. Let’s see what drinks they serve.” 

“Should I find Sona?” 

“No, she’s not even half close to being your friend.” he furrowed his eyebrows not understanding. 

“But it would be just nice of me to do so, isn’t it?” 

“No, you’re just trying to get your nose into their business, aren’t you?” you moved your eyes to the floor. “I’m right, so just let me distract you from your favourite Jinyoungie.” 

“He’s not my favourite.”

“Sure.” he chuckled to himself. 

“What are we going to do?”

“Drink first, then we’ll see what this sleepover party have in store.”

“Okay.” you nodded and walked calmly next to him. 

-

“Everybody!” you heard Sona’s loud voice turning towards her to see her standing on the stool. “It’s time to play some sleepover classics, so everyone please gather in the living room that is on the right in 5 minutes.” 

“We’re not going.” you cackled and turned back to Junwon. 

“We are.” 

“Why?” you furrowed your eyebrows and pulled him to sit back down when he began standing up. 

“Cause I’m tired of sitting in this corner. You’re fun and all that but if we’re at a party, we might as well enjoy ourselves, right.” you couldn’t hold back your smile with the way he said it. “Are you standing up or what?” 

“Will you carry me there?” you extended your arms towards him and made a childish face expression. 

“No.” he laughed. 

“But please?” you tried to act cuter but he ignored you completely, pulling you up to stand. You stood up and when his fingers pulled you to walk you stood there not moving, making him startled. Junwon turned around and looked at you confused while you were coming up with a plan in your head. 

He walked around you and you thought he’ll push you from behind, when his hands squeezed your waist and raised you from the floor. “Wait, it hurts.” you giggled uncontrollably. He crossed the room quickly, allowing for you to stand back on your feet when he entered the living room Sona talked about. “Junwon, seriously.” you giggled loudly, hugging his waist in some sort of appreciation. 

“Anything for my girlfriend, right?” he chuckled sarcastically and you kissed him slowly.

“I don’t want to play that, I’ll just watch.”

“Jinyoung, you already refused to wear the pj’s I prepared for you! Can you at least do something for me? It’s my birthday!” you heard Sona shout at him and pulled back immediately. 

“Sona, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” his hand caressed her cheek. It caught your eye he was kind of drunk but tried to act like he wasn’t. “It’s your birthday, let’s not fight.” she nodded in reply quickly. Her hands wrapped around his neck and he kissed her quickly. “You know these things are not for me.” she looked at him with probably all of the cuteness she had in store. “Just this once, okay?”

“Yay.” she jumped excitedly again and pulled him to the centre of the room. “Everyone who wants to play, please sit down. We have a couple of games prepared for the night, but we’ll start with a classic. Seven minutes in heaven yall, please sit down in a circle!” she announced as if it was a big deal. 

“We should probably sit in front of each other to get a chance to be picked by each other?” You suggested when Sona’s hand grabbed your elbow. 

“You two are sitting next to us.” she giggled and practically forced you to sit. The circle formed so quickly you didn’t have the time to force Junwon to sit somewhere else. 

“If you’re going to kiss someone there, I’ll kill you.” you giggled but still tried to make your voice sound like you are threatening him. 

“Same goes to you, loser.” he kissed your temple and looked at Sona. 

“Okay, simple rules, in case you don’t remember. You spin the bottle, whoever the bottle stops on goes with you for 7 minutes to another room. No phones, lights are off. You can do whatever comes to your mind, but please remember, we’ll come for you in 7 minutes.” she giggled. “You can’t disclose what went on in that room nor can you stay for any longer.” 

She sat back down and gulped. “I almost said as a party owner I’ll spin the bottle first, but I’m already taken so I probably shouldn’t.” she giggled and turned to take a glance at Jinyoung who pursed his lips. 

“Nah, Sona, you still can spin the bottle, it’s not necessary you do sexual things in that room, it’s your birthday, just start the game.” Junwon spoke up and you opened your eyes wider than before, turning your head to look at him confused. “My Y/n, is next to me too, so if I’ll get to spin the bottle I’ll probably have to go there with someone else too. Just spin it.” he said and made a weird movement with his hand. 

“What?” you giggled and moved your face closer to his. 

“I just said what I thought.” he chuckled 

“Okay.” you nodded turning your attention back to Sona, who was placing the bottle in the middle now. She made a weird scream before spinning it and closed her face with her palms. You internally were hoping for her to do bad things, but you knew everything you wanted was wrong. The bottle stopped and you raised your eyes to see it land on one of her girlfriends. You sighed disappointed making Junwon giggle on your side. “It’s going to be boring 7 minutes.” you sighed. 

“Probably because you’re thirty and not thirteen.” Junwon said rhetorically. 

“Excuse me? You’re even older. It’s just that probably it would’ve been fun if I at least knew those people. Or if Sona went there with a guy. At least we could’ve felt excitement.” 

“Cheating makes you excited?” Jinyoung’s low voice ran through your body in a second. “Interesting.” he made a low giggle. You pulled yourself together and turned to face him. 

“I didn’t mean your girlfriend. Just in general.” you said annoyed. 

“Okay.” 

“I’m sure she loves you so don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried. She doesn’t make me worry all the time.” 

“Okay…” you nodded “I didn’t ask though.” 

“Right, it’s because you only ask things when it’s in your favour.” 

“Are you trying to fight with me because you’re drunk and brave all of a sudden?” you blinked multiple times. 

“Whatever.” he turned away from you and left you disappointed and upset. This didn’t look like the conversation you planned in your head. 

“He fought with Sona, forced to do something he didn’t want to, I guess he’s just upset.”

“Why are you on his side?”

“I’m just trying to make you feel better.” Junwon’s hand pulled you in to lay your head against his shoulder. You kissed the spot where his jaw met his ear and closed your eyes. “I’m trying to come up with a mathematical way of spinning the bottle so it’ll stop on either of us.” he said in a minute making you smile. 

“How’s it going?” 

“Pretty shitty.” you giggled and closed your eyes back. 

“I’m not giving up and trying to come up with ways to make this game fun for both of us.”

“But do you think… you’ll kiss someone there or more…?” you asked suddenly and raised your head. 

“I know no one, so I don’t know. You?”

“Me too.” it suddenly hit you “I mean, are you discussing with your girlfriend who you’d kiss?!” 

“Oh, sh… no.” it looked like it struck him suddenly. “I’m just kidding, you asked the question.” you sighed and just hoped Jinyoung didn’t try to listen to your conversation. “Sona’s back.” Junwon whispered quickly. 

Everyone got excited and Sona sat back down giggling, laying her hand atop of Jinyoung’s knee. “It’s nothing.” she smiled at him and got back to the game. 

Her friend spun the bottle and went away with a guy, the guy spun the bottle next and it stopped in front of the girl Sona went in the room with. You couldn’t hold back the boredom and began chatting with Junwon about everything and anything, trying to keep it quiet but failing miserably every time he made a joke. 

“Hey, lovebirds, it’s on you.” Sona tapped your shoulder and the both of you realised every person in that circle was staring at you two. 

“Huh?”

“Junwon, it’s on you.” Sona spoke again and your eyes landed on the bottle that directly pointed at him. You turned your head to look at him and pouted. You now genuinely wondered if he’d kiss the girl that was about to go in the room with him. 

“Have a great time.” you smirked being startled by him kissing the top of your head when he stood up. 

When you tried to fish your phone out of your pocket Sona pulled in to you. 

“This is nerve racking, right?” 

“No, why?” you looked at her confused. 

“Wow, you trust your boyfriend so much.” she said amazed and you felt genuinely confused. 

“Do you not trust yours?” 

“No, no. I do, I thought maybe because you don’t know anyone you’d feel worried, I’m glad you don’t. All these people are my friends so I’m very calm if Jinyoung will be picked.”

“Cool.” you smiled and tried to end the conversation there. 

“You two look very cute together, I’m glad you’re happy. Jinyoung said you had a very hard time and that he was worried, I’m just glad you’re doing great.”

“Oh, he did? What else did he say?” 

“Oh, no, don’t be worried, he didn’t say anything in particular, I wouldn’t want him to disclose your secrets. Don’t worry.”

“Okay.” you nodded and turned away. 

“Hi.” you felt Junwon’s palm on your shoulder in a minute. 

“Hey.” you tried to see signs on his face but he looked casual. 

“You have to spin the bottle!” the girl he went with exclaimed. 

“Oh right.” he sighed. “Let’s change the rules.”

“How?” Sona asked confused.

“I’ll spin the bottle, but twice. Once for a boy and once for a girl, it’s boring to go there twice like that. The ones that’ll be picked will go there.”

“Oh, okay.” she nodded. 

“This sounds like so much fun.” someone said and Junwon spun it pleased. You watched the bottle spin and get slower and even more slower when it stopped in front of you. 

“Is this your mathematical way to get us there together?” you squeezed your eyes and he chuckled. 

“I’m not sure, let’s see.” he spun the bottle once again. You didn’t realise you were squeezing his palm harshly until he laid his other hand atop. “Hey, what’s up?” 

“I’m hating you for picking me.” you said annoyed when the bottle slowed down a little too far to stop on him. 

“I’m sorry.” he chuckled and you sighed hopelessly, closing your eyes when the bottle almost stopped at a random guy you didn’t even know the name of. “Or maybe I’m not.” 

“Oh my god!” Sona exclaimed and you opened your eyes confused. “Jinyoung, Y/n - leave.” she said quickly. 

“Did you do it on purpose?” you wanted to kill Junwon very badly. 

“How would I? It’s a given I guess.” Junwon patted your back. “Won’t you kiss me? Don’t forget I’m your boyfriend.” 

“I’ll kill you when I’m back.” you slapped his hand away. 

Walking up to the small closet, that Sona referred to as a room, you three were quiet as ever. You sat on the floor in the corner, watching Sona lock the door behind Jinyoung. 

“Time start! I’ll come back in 7 minutes!” she giggled and walked away.

You could see nothing in this darkness, only hearing Jinyoung’s heavy breathing. 

“Something happened?” you asked when silence began choking you. 

“What? No.”

“You’re good then, right? You seem upset.” 

“I’m fine.” he said shortly. 

“Okay, why did you get drunk like that then?” 

“Am I not allowed to drink?” he asked pretentiously. 

“It just doesn’t seem like you.” 

“People change.” 

“Maybe you’re right, you wouldn’t speak to me like that if you were the same.” you concluded and stopped talking.

“Looks like I can finally ask you the question you asked me before.”

“What question?” you said confused.

“How did it feel when you realised you don’t love me anymore? Refreshing?” he said sarcastically and you couldn’t understand what this all was about. He spoke like he blamed you for something. You wanted to talk back at him, maybe fight but then realised he was just doing exactly the same you did to him. He probably just tried to make you understand how you made him feel. You snapped back to reality and felt yourself get upset. You felt a single tear pave the way for all those others, making them stream down your face. 

“Didn’t I disappear and let you live your life the way you wanted to? Why would you invite me here? Why would you talk to me like this? Why would you make me realise all over again how much I love you?” you wiped the tears off your face, standing up. “I’ll just knock on the door so they’ll let us out earlier.” 

“Wait.” Jinyoung held onto your wrist, forcing for you to sit down again. The space was too small and even though you tried to sit back you still kind of sat on his legs. “What about Junwon? Why you said this?”

“Why you care?” 

“Just tell me, isn’t this room created for this.” 

“No.” 

“Why?” 

“You just want to hear that I still love you.” Jinyoung moved his hand from your wrist to your waist, his other hand landed onto your cheek. 

“Hi.“ he stretched his lips in an awkward smile “I didn’t know you live at a hotel.“ his eyes ran over the room. 

“Yeah… It’s temporary. I’ll move to an apartment, well… as soon as I’ll find one.“ you chuckled awkwardly, walking towards the bed, the only sitting available in your ‘luxurious’ room. “What you brought?“ you sat in a comfortable position on the corner of the bed, watching him take off his shoes and walk towards you. 

“Thought you’d want a pizza so I got one, they had pasta that looked so good I had to take it too.” 

“Sounds yummy.” you tapped free space on the bed next to you, and he sat, still holding a bag of take out in his hands. “Let’s put this away and eat here.” you suggested, tossing all the food that was on the tray to the table below the TV. Jinyoung sat there staring at you quietly and you froze when the tray was clean, staring at him too. “What?” you smiled nervously and fixed your hair on your shoulders. 

“You fought with Johnny, right?” 

“Why?” 

“You either didn’t want me to come to Johnny’s so you ran here and got a room or you fought with him and live here now, which honestly seems like a more real option to me.” you blinked quietly. 

“Yeah, we fought.” you sat back next to him trying to contain yourself. Memories of the so called fight made you want to curl up on Jinyoungs lap and cry. 

“I hope you’re fine… I know how much you care for him, but… he wasn’t acting right. I hope you understand it.” Jinyoungs eyes searched for yours but you refused to look back at him. 

“I understand it but it’s still difficult to accept it.” 

“I know, I hope you’ll be able to get over it quickly.” 

“Turns out I’m kinda bad with getting over things.” you chuckled and finally looked at him. “Let’s eat, no more sad thoughts.” you smiled and bent to grab the food, pushing your hair that fell forward away. “Mmmh, the pizza smells good. You stretched your neck out smelling it properly. “Oh wait, that’s BBQ sauce?” you turned your face to see him with an excited smile. He stared at you seriously not responding. “What’s wrong?” you looked at him confused. 

“What is that?” 

“Where?” you furrowed your eyebrows.

“This.” he raised his hand and it took you less than a second to realise what he was about to tell you. His fingers pointed at his own neck and laid back on his lap. He looked as if he was shy to ask. 

“Oh this?” you pulled the sleeves of the hoodie onto your palms more. “I fell asleep with my earrings on.” you chuckled and moved the hair back to the front. 

“Can I… can I see?” his eyes kept running over your face. 

“It’s nothing.” you chuckled and made a weird hand gesture. “I’m hungry.” you tried to turn his attention to food. You took everything out of the bag, placing the food Jinyoung brought at the table. “I thought you’d bring more.” you giggled. 

“I’m not that hungry, you can eat.” 

“Jinyoung.” you stared at him cutely. 

“What?”

“I thought you wanted to eat too. Didn’t you suggest eating?”

“Let’s find you a place? I don’t like the idea of you living here.” 

“It’s a nice hotel, it’s all good. Plus, I only been here for like a day, I haven’t even started looking for something.” 

“It’s nice but… maybe you should stay at your moms for a while…?”

“Not gonna suggest your place?” you laughed lightly at his startled face expression. “I’m just kidding. Let’s eat.”

You sighed heavily feeling like your stomach could explode any second, dropping your back onto the bed. Jinyoung turned around to watch you, munching on the last bit of the pasta. His eyes ran over your body and you couldn’t stop yourself from shivering. It didn’t feel awkward, it didn’t feel in the first place, but now, it was just nice to know nothing in his life changed. He was still the same. 

“And what about your students? What was this girls name…? The smart one? Is she still your students?” Jinyoung fell next to you, propping his head on his palm, laying on his side. 

“No, she’s not, they don’t have literature anymore. The freshmen this year though are very smart. I don’t think I’ve ever felt at ease during lectures, like I’m sure they’re listening.” 

“That’s great, innit?” you smiled and turned your head to look at him. 

“It really is, finally, whenever I ask a question there’s not only a single hand in the entire auditorium.”

“So your job finally became your dream job?” you tried your best to not look at him for too long. 

“Yeah.” he chuckled and licked his lips. “And what’s up with your job?”

“Oh… my job.” you sighed and rolled on the bed to hide your face in the pillow. “I wish I was a housewife or maybe just a millionaire?” you raised your head to look at him and dropped it back onto the pillow. He chuckled. 

“I’m sorry, but…” You turned to face him and felt his hand on your neck. “It’s not an bruise from an earring, it’s a fingerprint.” your heart skipped a beat because you were dying to feel his fingers on your neck but in a different situation. 

“It’s not.” you tried to not give away your nervousness, moving his hand away from your neck and holding onto it a little bit too long. 

“Can I see then to calm down?” you shook your head no and shivered. “Can you then tell me what happened?” he lowered his face closer to yours, not moving too close to not invade your privacy. “Please.” he pleaded and it was hard for you to decide whether to show him or not. You knew what would happen if you won’t - he’ll get all grumpy and quiet and if you will, oh well, you would not want to see that. 

“I don’t want you to be upset.” 

“I promise I won’t be.” you nibbled on your lower lip, feeling tears prickle your eyes while you stared at him.

“I told him that I know everything. He became angry and began calling Sieun names because he thought she told me. I said I have to leave, that I can’t live with him anymore and he began shouting. I… I asked him how long he dated Sieun, while he was trying to make me fall in love with him, this whole time he slept with her. He said he needed someone to fuck and didn’t want to force me. What kind of excuse is that?” you tried to laugh but failed. “He said he loved me all his life, said he only did it because he wanted us to be happy. He begged me to stay, he was grabbing my wrists and all that. He wanted to see my phone I don’t know why, to see who I called maybe, because he thought of you too, but I said it wasn’t you who told me.” you paused and watched Jinyoung’s face expression. He looked very collected and calm.

“And…?” he asked when you paused for too long.

“I turned away to take my things but his hand grabbed my neck and pulled me harshly against the wall. He wanted the phone and I said I’ll never give it to him, he began looking for it, running his hands all over me. Then when he couldn’t find it, he pushed me to bed and held my head into the duvet.” your eyes blinked multiple times unconsciously, a wave of goosebumps ran down your body and you closed your eyes unable to hold back anymore.  

“And what?” Jinyoung still pushed and you took a loud breathe in, looking at him with no feelings. 

“He pulled my underwear down and did what usually guys do with a girl bent over their bed. I cried for him to stop but he didn’t care obviously. When he came he said he’s sorry and that he needed it badly. Told me I can shower, and when I got out of the bathroom there was no him in the room, so I packed everything that fit into my backpack and ran away as quick as I could.” 

“No…” Jinyoung gulped and sat up. “No fucking way.” you could hear his heavy breathing from afar, sitting up beside him. He stood up quickly and walked towards the exit. 

“Where you’re going?” you ran behind him, stopping behind his back when he began putting his shoes back on. 

“I will fucking kill him.” 

“Jinyoung, please.” you gasped and grabbed onto his waist when you didn’t know what to do. “Don’t go anywhere.” you squeezed him tighter, resting your cheek against his back. “It’s not worth it, he doesn’t worth it. Please don’t.” you cried again, breathing heavily. Jinyoungs fingers lightly brushed yours and held onto them, signalling for you to let go of him. He turned around, grabbing your face. 

“Let’s go to police or the hospital. There’s probably left something of him… inside. If he hurt you, then they’re going to confirm violent penetration. You have bruises on your neck. Where else? We can go to police and they will arrest him for domestic abuse and sexual assault.”

“Jinyoung, please, stop, I’m fine. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you’d react this way. I just wanted to spend time with you, not talk about Johnny and what he did. I… I forgave him. It’s in the past. I don’t want to live a life holding grudges against someone that was close to my heart for the most part of my life.”

“You…” Jinyoungs was breathing as if he ran a marathon. You were trying to not seem upset but his eyes were giving away too much. He looked hurt and you hated yourself for wanting to see him so badly you basically invited him to see what Johnny did. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I told you all about his lies and then let you get into his hands and made you go through all of it. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.” he lowered his eyes, touching your shoulders the next moment. You felt his chin tuck into your neck next, making you slip into Jinyoung’s aura in a blink of an eye. Your hands automatically found his waist and you caressed his sides trying to calm him down. 

“Jinyoung.” you whispered and heard him sigh. “Jinyoung.” you said once again, and he moved his head away a little. “Im really glad I ran into you on the street. I’m very glad you noticed me, because my life was turning into hell before I met you. I just hope to feel myself as I used to, even though I know i won’t, because I keep thinking about Johnny and about everything. I’m just happy you’re here with me.” 

“I’m glad I met you too. I really missed you.” your heart began beating faster, you suddenly felt nervous in his presence. “I just hope we can understand each other as we used to, I hope we’ll be good friends. I really care for you, I don’t want to leave you alone like that.” 

“Yup, good friends, we can be that.” you made an awkward giggle, moving your hands away from him. “Let’s sit back down.” you said quickly walking away to sit, wiping a lonely tear from your cheek. 

You crawled on the bed, sitting with your back against the wall. “You can sit next to me.” you tapped on the bed next to you. 

“Okay.” he stretched his lips in a forced smile. 

“What’s with the face?” you chuckled. “Do you feel awkward around me?” 

“I just smiled.” he said with a slight annoyance, sitting next to you. You stared at the turned off TV, feeling pressure from the little space left between you two. 

“A question…” you gulped, braking the silence. 

“Yeah?” 

“D…did you mean it? Saying you wanted to marry me?”

“Why would I lie?” he turned his head towards you looking as serious as ever. “I even bought the ring.” your head turned to face him way too quickly you almost snapped your neck. 

“And where is it now?” 

“In the deepest corner of my desk at home.” he made a throaty chuckle. 

“You should sell it.” you added quickly and looked at his face expression. 

“I…I’m not a great gold seller. I don’t even know where you can sell something like that.” he chuckled and gulped again, making a chuckle leave his mouth the next second. “It’s funny, how I almost said maybe it’s for the best it all turned out this way, but realised all of a sudden it really didn’t for you. Maybe I should’ve insisted more on talking with you and seeing you, but at the time in really felt like a did the most.” 

“Did it for you?” Jinyoung looked back at you “Did everything change for the better for you?” 

“Of course I missed you, I loved you, I really loved you but now I’m just okay. Just how I used to be before I loved you. It’s not better and not worse.” you want to ask if he just said it or meant that he didn’t have any feelings left for you. 

“I’m sorry. You know that I’m the one to blame for this, right? It’s me, I just followed Johnny’s lead, when I should’ve listened to you. I just made myself live in pain, I made you hurt and now I’m just here, thinking of how I could’ve been happy if I didn’t do all of it. My life is a fucking regret, everything is a fucking regret. I hate me.” tears just sprinkled from your eyes, forcing your hands to hide your face in them. Jinyoung’s featherlight touch made your body shiver. He caressed you carefully, trying to calm you down but only made everything worse. 

“Y/n, you’re going to be fine. Even if it wasn’t for the best, everything might change. I’m sure everything will change. You’ll meet someone you’ll love again, you’ll meet new friends and will be happy as you used to be.” you felt his face close to you, turned to see him. You leaned in, feeling your brain go in overdrive. You couldn’t hold back from kissing him when he was so close to you, right next to your lips. You could practically feel them on yours. You looked him in the eyes and moved a tiny bit closer, noticing how he didn’t move away. 

“Jinyoung…” you moved even closer and hooked a hand around his neck. Your fingers ran through the hair on the back of his head and it felt like he stopped breathing. “I still love you.” you whispered and kissed him. Your heart burst and even though you were dreaming of kissing him every day of the past year, it still felt nothing like you imagined it would be. Hot tears ran down your cheeks and you pulled back when he didn’t kiss you back. “I’m… I’m sorry.” 

“No, it’s me. I should’ve told you before.”

“No, you clearly did, you said you loved me. I should’ve realised it’s not a slip of the tongue.” 

“No, no. I love you, with all of my heart.” 

“But it’s not the same, I get it.” you smiled and moved a little back. 

“It’s… it’s just that I began seeing someone.” you blinked multiple times to not begin crying again. You jumped up, running to the bathroom. It was a stupid, stupid idea. 

-

“You didn’t text me back for two weeks, you made me nervous.” Jinyoung’s eyes were judging you harshly but the tone of his voice was neutral. “I came to your hotel room but you didn’t open, then I was told you left the next morning after I left.” he sounded too calm to people around you, while you could clearly see in his eyes he was throwing rocks at you. 

“I just…” you tried to smile and tell him something to calm him down but Jinyoung didn’t let you speak. 

“You can’t just disappear from someone and then call them in the middle of the day for a coffee. That’s not how people do things, in case you didn’t know.” 

“Why are you nagging?” you furrowed your eyebrows. 

“I’m nagging? Okay.” he sat back, staring in a different direction from you. 

“Jinyoung… I called because I wanted to see you. I… After you left I searched for apartments  for the whole night and found something I liked. I just tried to get my life back together. I can’t get all of my stuff back… you know, from Johnny, so I had to buy things and I actually got a gym membership so now I can finally do something except for crying in my bed. I’m just trying to be better to not disappoint you. I never want to disappoint you, Jinyoung. And I know, that you are disappointed with me no matter what… I know you’re mad even though you’re not showing it. I know I disappointed you when I kissed you and said those three little words, I’m so sorry. I should’ve asked before. I mean, it’s as quite obvious.” you chuckled and he looked at you again. 

“No, I should’ve let you know but I was too afraid you’ll be even more disappointed than you already were. I thought I’ll tell you some time later.” 

“It’s fine though. I’m much better now and it’s all thanks to you.” you smiled widely and expanded your hand towards Jinyoung. “I promise to not break our friendship like that. I’ll be your friend if that’s all I’m allowed to be.” Jinyoung’s eyes ran from your hand to your face and you wondered what he thought about. Did he not want it? Your worries faded away when the warm skin of his fingers touched yours. You shivered but shoved the feeling down your throat, gifting a reassuring smile to him. 

“I thought Johnny found you and took to his. We almost fought because I didn’t believe him. I probably looked like an idiot to him.”

“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have.”

“You should’ve just told me where you are. It would’ve made my life much easier.”

“I’m sorry, I promise I won’t disappear anymore.”

-

“Want to see my place? I’ve lived here for a month actually and you never went in…” you faced Jinyoung in his car. The late evening forced him to turn on the light inside of it to see you better. 

“I’m…I think I can’t.” 

“Why? It’s not that late, I can make coffee and then you’ll go back home, grandpa.” you almost touched his forearm but resisted the very last second. Touching him still was the most difficult. 

“I… I have a date.” he said almost whispering. 

“Oh… oh my god, I’m sorry. I should’ve guessed. You’re right, you have a girlfriend, going to your exes apartment is probably not a good thing, I… I’ll go then. Have a great night. See you.”

“Y/n,” he stopped you from running away by grabbing your wrist. “thanks for the evening. I promise next time I’ll come up and see your place, okay?”

“Yeah.” you nodded and he let go of you, allowing for you to leave the car. Gliding your fingers through the dress you wore, you took two steps towards the house, looking at the lights that were paving the way to the entrance. Three steps later you noticed a man’s figure in front of the door. Three seconds was all it took in you to recognise the someone that body belonged to. Your brain went in overdrive and you froze. Would he hear if you ran away, he stared at the door and you were just praying he didn’t turn around right this moment. Your blood began boiling but you knew more than anything you were scared and due to that stuck in the middle of the road. You turned around as soon as your body gave in and did what your brain told to. Jinyoung didn’t drive away, he stared at you and you took two deep breaths that you thought somehow would help you run towards the car unnoticed. When your fingers touched the handle of the car you felt like you were alive again. 

“What’s wrong? You forgot something?” Jinyoung asked confused. 

“No, I didn’t. Can you please drive?” 

“What? What’s wrong?” he looked behind you. 

“It’s Johnny.”

“Where?”

“In front of the door. It’s Johnny. Please, drive away.” you breathed heavily. “Jinyoung, please.” you cried and he unfroze, finally starting the engine. 

“It’s okay. You’re with me, he didn’t see you.” he said calmly, taking a glance at you. 

“How, how did he find out where I live? I…I can’t believe he was there.” 

“Are you sure it was him?” 

“Yes, yes, I’m sure. I’ll never not recognise him.” 

“It’s okay, you can stay at mine tonight. We’ll come up with something.” 

“No, no. Just take me to a hotel. I’ll stay there.” 

“You’ll stay at my place, that’s decided.” Jinyoung’s hand blindly found yours, holding it tightly while his eyes were focused on the road. “Oh God, you’re shaking.” 

“I’m just shocked…I’m so thankful you didn’t drive away yet.” you wiped the panic tear off your face. 

“I never drive away until I’m sure you’re home.”

“How do you know when I’m home?” 

“Your window, you showed me which one it is. When the lights are on I can drive away.” he stopped at the traffic light, looking back at you. You felt overwhelmed and wanted to cry again. Johnny that scared you just a minute ago was long forgotten when your heart was about to begin it’s crying again. How could he act like he cared, like he loved you and then said you were friends. You wanted to cry hysterically but it wouldn’t help you to make him take you back. You felt your fingers hold way too tightly to his palm, letting him go quickly. 

“Take me to a hotel, please.”

“It’s a no-no.” he simply said and killed every protest you had in you. 

You walked through the door that brought way too many memories back. You wondered if he thought about it too, how you would walk through that door hand in hand. How you’d kiss him right next to it when you’d come see him after being apart for 2 days. 

“You can go on your date. I’ll be fine on my own here. I’ll sleep on the couch quietly and will leave in the morning before you wake up.” 

“I’ll cancel it.”

“No, Jinyoung, you have to go. It’s not nice to cancel a date at this time. She’s probably waiting for you, go.” 

“Please sleep in the bedroom.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want you to sleep on the couch, that’s it. You can take the shower and take whatever you want to wear from my wardrobe. I have food so you can eat too. And…”

“Jinyoung, it’s not my first time here and I’m not 5 too. I’ll be totally fine. You go see your girlfriend before she gets mad at you. Okay?” He nodded quietly. 

“But call me immediately if you need me, okay?” 

“Yes, Jinyoung, I will, now go.” You pushed him out of the door, locking it. It took all the strength in you to not cry at your stupidity. You wanted him to stay because sleeping alone was still scary. Sleeping alone after seeing Johnny was even scarier. 

You would not do this to Jinyoung. You were a big girl that finally tried to live her life right. You were trying your best to not burden him and your only goal was to keep him happy, and as long as he liked seeing his girlfriend, you were going to shove you pain down your throat and smile at him and support him. 

You woke up from the sound of Jinyoung’s alarm. It didn’t take long to question yourself. Were you dreaming of it? You still remembered the sound of his alarm and sleeping in his bed probably made you see things related to your past relationship. 

You felt more awake when the alarm didn’t stop signalling and you had to open your eyes. Before that though, you realised Jinyoung was sleeping in the same bed. Moreover, you could feel every limb of his being wrapped around you. 

“Just a minute.” he mumbled with his face tucked into your neck. You shivered at the sensation of his warm breathe against your neck. 

“Jinyoung.” you said quietly having to repeat yourself when he didn’t react. 

“Mm?” he asked and moved his hand away to finally open his eyes. “Jesus, Y/n, I’m so sorry. I was so tired I got to my bed mindlessly. I… I didn’t realise I was touching you.” 

“It’s fine.” you made a smile with your lips. “I thought you’d sleep on the couch or something.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to.” he moved to the other side of the bed and closed his face with his palms. 

“I slept well so you don’t have to be sorry.”

“You fell asleep quickly?”

“Kind of… I tried to keep my thoughts from him and crying. I was just trying to focus on the fact he would not look for me here. I guess he didn’t… but what if he will?” a single thought made you shiver. You sat up on the bed and looked at him. “I can’t stay here too.” 

“You can go with me to school.”

“What will I do there?” you chuckled. 

“You can sit in the furthest corner of the room, just do your work on the laptop, then we could go back together here and think of the options.”

“You don’t mind?”

“Just another careless student who won’t listen, why would I mind?” he chuckled lowly making blood go to your lower area. 

-

You sat right where he told you to - the deepest corner of the room. You looked around, checking by accident what were those students doing in their laptops, actually being surprised by the number of them writing down everything Jinyoung was saying. You’d show him hearts with your fingers when you’d catch his eyes on you, forcing a low giggle, that he tried to contain and therefore sounded like he was choking, escape his throat. 

It felt like time flue with students filling up the auditorium and leaving it in almost a blink of an eye. You’d get breaks every time Jinyoung had a spare minute between lectures, sitting next to you on the long bench and asking you things about your work. You tried to ignore him because every time you took a look at him up close your guard was falling down and he punched the air out of your lungs without even noticing. 

This was meant to be his last class of the day, Jinyoung promised to go home after this. The sound of students standing up signalled for you to finish what you were doing. Your fingers moved quickly and your brain was working even faster, raising your eyes your fingers froze above the keyboard. Young woman stood next to the door, bowing politely at every student that was still leaving the room. Her eyes moved towards you and you stared down on laptop to not seem rude. You focused your brain to listen to what she said. You should’ve guessed she was a professor, since those kids looked like they knew her. 

“She punished?” she said quietly for you to not hear, but you did anyway. Her voice was high-pitched and she seemed bubbly. The way she stared at him made you wondered if she knew Jinyoung had a girlfriend. 

“No… That’s…” he paused and you perked all your limbs to hear what he’ll say better “that’s my family member.”

“Oh my god! Is that your sister?” she said way too excitedly for a colleague. 

“No, no.” he cleared his throat. “That’s my older brothers step daughter.” you couldn’t pretend like you didn’t hear him anymore, raising your head up. He stared at you begging, while the girl stood with her back to you. “He asked me to take her with me today, so I had to help.” 

“How old is she? Is she my age?” Jinyoung’s eyes moved back to the girl after a long while. 

“No, she’s around my age.” you bit onto your cheek. Back in the day he’d tell you you’re a teenager, but now he was saying you’re just around his age. 

“Is your brother that much older?” 

“Yeah, he is, Sona.” 

“I have one more lecture left.” she said way too cutely and you suddenly realised. “I wish we could go to the cinema, but at least you have company for today, I’m relieved.” she leaned in and wrapped her hands around his shoulders. “Won’t you kiss me?” the amount of cuteness she spew made you gag internally. You lowered your head back to the screen not willing to see whatever was about to take place. 

“It’s kind of awkward in front of her.” he whispered but the echo still let you hear him. Sona turned her head around quickly , you could see it with your peripheral vision.  

“She’s all in her laptop.” you could hear her whisper before the room went quiet. You squeezed your eyes shut, lowering your back to not see anything at all. Your fingers found the play button on the keyboard so you won’t hear any noises either. The song began playing in your ears, but it didn’t make any of it any better. You were ready to throw up just from the idea of him kissing an actual teenager.

You stood up loudly, by accident. You didn’t mean to pay attention but internally it was all you were hoping for. She jumped off him awkwardly, probably being too shy herself. 

“Hello. I’m Lim Sona” she bowed politely like you were his grandma and wiped her mouth carefully. 

“Hi.” you said back and packed your stuff quickly, this time not actually hearing what the two of them were saying. “I’ll go home. Thanks, for letting me hang out here today.” you smiled and wanted to leave. 

“Wait, I’ll take you home. This was my last lecture, didn’t I tell you?” 

“It’s fine, a taxi will do the same thing.” you bowed again knowing he won’t act up in front of her. In her eyes you were his brothers daughter, not an ex girlfriend who still loved him and had a bunch of problems. He wasn’t about to admit it five minutes after he lied. 

“Y/n, please wait. I promised my brother you’ll get home safely.” you sighed loudly and felt blood beginning to boil in your veins. You didn’t know he had the audacity to play like that right in your face. You really wanted to bite him and you turned around, suddenly realising that you couldn’t. You could absolutely not do this to him. 

“Okay.” you said quickly and sat on the table that was standing in the front row. 

“Text me when you’ll be home.” she grabbed his head in her arms, kissing him quickly. “I should go back.” 

“Bye.” he smiled awkwardly. 

“Nice meeting you.” she bowed to you on her way back and you nodded waiting for her to leave. 

“So you’re just going to sit there and be quiet?” you heard his voice after five minutes of silence. 

“What you want me to say?” you furrowed your eyebrows in confusion. “Good job Jinyoungie in seducing and actual teenager?” your chuckle sounded way too fake and you hated the fact you made any noise. 

“See, I knew you have a lot to say.” you stood up and walked towards him. He had a pen in his hand, pausing from doing his papers to talk to you. You leaned with your butt on to the table, standing right next to Jinyoung. 

“Nice table.” you sighed, running your fingers over the corners of it. 

“Oh, don’t start.” he said annoyed. 

“Start what?” the fact he kept this in mind, no even thought about it at this exact moment made you feel better. 

“This thing with the table.”

“I just said it’s nice.” 

“Yes and next you’ll start saying how nice it’s to be bent over it.” you laughed at him loudly. 

“I didn’t mean to say that, but it makes me happy you still think of bending me over this table even though your girlfriend was kissing you 5 minutes ago.” 

“I didn’t think of it, I just know how your brain works, that’s it.”

“Oh, come on Jinyoungie, you always get worked up if I’m getting right to the point.” he looked at you furiously and you chuckled. “Anyway, that was your girlfriend right?” you tilted your head. “She’s… really cute. Kind of young though, I thought you looked for someone more mature…”

“I wasn’t looking for anyone.”

“Oh, so she came into your life like an angel of love?” 

“Shut up.” he looked at you furiously. 

“But why did you think I have much to say? If I said accidentally that I love you it doesn’t mean I’ll be crying over your girlfriend. Or is that exactly what you wanted me to do?”  you looked at him and moved closer. “Want me to beg you?” your fingers brushed his cheek. 

“Let’s go home.” he said roughly and pushed you back. 

“Why did you say I’m your freaking niece? That’s really dumb of you. Doesn’t she already know you would never?” 

“Didn’t you know I would never and still believed when Johnny said I’m a cheater?” he stared at you expectantly.

“Jinyoung…”

“Anyway, I’m not in place to give away your secrets.”

“What secrets are you talking about? Just admit you were scared to tell her I’m your ex.” 

“I wasn’t. I’m not in the place to tell everyone why you’re here. I didn’t want to tell her because I’ll have to explain things that I’m not in the place to.” 

“Whatever, let’s go home.” you sighed feeling burdened by his words. 

“Wait a minute, I need to put my things away.” 

“I’ll wait outside.” you sighed and walked your way out of the building. 

-

“I’m sorry, I shouldve not said anything back in the university. I’m acting like Johnny. I guess I really worth him.”

“Don’t say things like that.”

“No, I really am, I literally act like him, just reverse the situations from you and me and him being annoying, on you & your girlfriend and me that’s being annoying now.” 

“I just should’ve told you she’s from work, you would’ve acted differently.” he shook his head and continued to slurp on his food. 

“I know I shouldn’t be… but I’m still curious.”

“Mmh?” 

“Can you tell me about her?”

“Why?”

“Just curious to know things about her since I’m your friend and she’s your girlfriend. When I’ll get a boyfriend I’ll tell you everything about him.”

“You will?” 

“Yeah, I don’t think it’s something unusual to share these things with friends?”

“No, I mean you’ll get into a relationship?”

“Why not, I mean… with you I realised being with someone is fun, plus I’m not getting younger.” you tried to joke with him but he just nodded understandingly. 

“I’m glad to hear it.” 

“Yeah…” you nodded, fixing your eyes on your bowl. “I really should leave. It’s wrong for us to sleep in one bed and yeah… I obviously am not good at being friends.”

“Not true, and about the bed… it’s my fault. I came late and after shower I felt lazy to put sheets on the couch so I thought I’ll lay down for 10 minutes and then will go, but I fell asleep.”

“It’s fine, Jinyoung. Anyway, I should’ve not even agreed to stay at yours. I’ll go back home.”

“And what will you do if Johnny’s there? Or if he’ll come when you’re there?” 

“Then I’ll have to act like I’m not home? Fight him, talk to him, I don’t know. I can’t make your life a mess it’s enough for me mine is.”

“Y/n, come on. Don’t make everything more complicated than it already is.”

“I just… honestly, I didn’t think you had a girlfriend for real. I thought you were still hurt by what I did, but then you left for a date, and I thought it’s kind of funny, but I didn’t think you’re actually on a date. Today, only today I realised you weren’t kidding or saying things to see my reaction. I just feel wrong for things I said earlier, feel wrong for probably not letting her come see you at your place because I’m fucking here. You had to lie to her about me and I know how much you hated, hate the thought of lying, and you had to do it to your loved one because of me. It seems like everywhere I go I just bring shit with me.”

“Y/n.” you raised your eyes and found Jinyoung smiling at you fatherly. He stood up and walked towards you to your surprise and you had to bend your neck terribly to see him, when he stop right behind you. His palms landed on your shoulders and you turned your head to look directly in front of you. “We need to change your mindset. You’re not bringing shit, you just have a difficult period in life and that’s normal to not act right. I understand it, I don’t judge you. You know that I still care for you very much, you still take a very big part of my heart and I can’t just let you leave when you’re in this mood.” his fingers lightly massaged your shoulders. Your eyes shut involuntary and you felt goosebumps run down your back. You didn’t know what effect he tried to have on you but all you could think of was how much you loved him. You just wanted his fingers to run down your arms to hold your fingers. You wanted him to kiss the top of your head, lean in and hug you from the back, telling you how he still loved you. Leaving in a dream for a whole year that he’ll be yours again one day made your comeback to reality way too difficult. Your brain could not accept Jinyoung being with someone else and you knew that the only problem in this was you. You hated to leave him again after not seeing Jinyoung for two weeks, but you thought that taking breaks might help you get over him. It clearly didn’t yet, but maybe it will work out eventually, you just needed to try harder. “Let’s agree on a few things?” 

“What things?” you snapped back hearing his voice. 

“First, were meeting up at the Saetgang for a run three times a week, pick the days yourself. Second, no more depressing thoughts. We’ll have to go see multiplications at the cinema once a week to make you feel better. Third, you can trust me. Trust me with anything you need or have problems with. I’m here to help and I’ll be very glad to help you with anything. Deal?”

“Jinyoung.” you sighed and turned to face him.  “Spending 4 evenings a week with me is too much. Let’s not make your girlfriend uncomfortable.” you loved the idea but you had to act right.

“I’m running on my own any way there, you’ll just be my company. And for that one movie night… I think I can have the luxury of spending one evening with my friend.”

“I j…”

“Oh, I forgot. Fourth, if you want me to take you to a club or something, just say it. I know you can let yourself loose there and it’s definitely something very much needed now to let you go back to yourself.”

“Jinyoung, please.” 

“Yeah?” 

“You’re the very best and will always be.” You turned to face him and he put his hands away from you. You couldn’t hold back so you just hugged his waist tightly. “I swear to god.” his hand caressed your hair carefully. Suddenly you couldn’t hold yourself back from the thought of how close your face was to his dick. You tried to not think of it but the more you shoved those thoughts in the farthest corner of your brain the quicker they came back. Was it his cock that you pressed against with your throat? You pulled back and raised your head up to see his eyes. “Can we start our deal now?” 

“Yeah, sure. What’s up?”

“Take me to a club.”

“Okay, when?”

“Today, now.” You bit onto your lower lip. 

“Ah…I… Okay, yeah. Let’s do it.”

“One more thing?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Call your girlfriend.”

“Why?”

“I mean call her to go with us, you’ll definitely need company.” you smiled at him like a Cheshire Cat while he looked at you confused. 

“Oh, you mean that. Okay, I’ll ask if she wants to come. Thanks.” he straightened his lips in a forced smile. 

“Can we go to mine so I’ll change clothes?” 

“Okay, I’ll get ready and we can leave.” he walked away from you, getting his attention onto your phone. 

“Thanks.” you sang happily “Should I call the taxi?”

“I’ll drive.” 

“Why?” You asked confused. 

“I have two girls on me I can’t get drunk.” he said carelessly walking into his room. Your heart began beating faster when he peaked from behind the door. “And one of them is way too rebellious for my eyes to leave her for a second. And oh trust me, I’m not talking about Sona.” you smiled at him trying your best to not show with your smile that butterflies were trying to make a whole in your stomach and set free. 

“Go put on your coolest grandpa sweater to sweep her off her feet.” he chuckled lowly and finally left. 

Jinyoung walked up with you to your apartment, waiting for you on the couch while you were deciding between two dresses you bought last week while doing your make up. Your eyes finally picked the baby blue button-up dress and quickly put it on, unbuttoning a couple of the buttons. You looked in the mirror satisfied, feeling like it’s the first time you looked in the mirror and liked yourself in over a year. 

“Y/n.” you heard Jinyoungs voice and turned your head to see him. “You’re very beautiful.” he looked stunned. 

“Thank you.” you smiled shyly at him. 

“Sona will come. Which one do you want to go to? She said she’ll get in a taxi in 20 minutes.” 

“I don’t care. Just anything I have never been too.”

“Okay, I’ll try to find something.” he looked back at his phone, probably searching clubs on Naver. 

“Jinyoung?”

“Yeah?” his head turned back to see you. 

“Unbutton one more or not?” you let him see how it was before undoing one more button. It’s probably looked too much even to your taste, but the question was asked already so you wanted to know what he thought. 

“Button up two more.” he said strictly forcing a cackle out of you.  

“You’re very strict mr. Park. I really do not envy your girlfriend.” you took your bag in your hands, walking towards him. 

“Don’t you know men will stare.” 

“Maybe that’s what I am aiming for, huh?” you chuckled and grabbed him by the wrist to walk him out of your house. 

-

“How old is Sona?” 

“Why?” his eyes ran quickly from road to you and back. 

“Just curious.”

“25.” 

“Okay.” you nodded and turned to look out of the window. 

“Why?” 

“Why are you so stressed?” you chuckled and turned back to him. “I’m just asking out of curiosity. She always worked at the university?”

“No, she came this year.” 

“Did she caught your eye first or…?” 

“No. She came up to me. I didn’t plan to date anyone. She just kept on coming up out of nowhere and I realised suddenly when she’s there I stop thinking of you, and when I stop thinking of you I actually begin to function. That’s why I thought it’s a nice idea to be with her.” 

“You like her, right?”

“Of course I do, why you’re asking?” 

“I’m just glad you’re happy. You never deserved suffering or any of it.”

“No one deserves it.” he said strictly and you turned your head to look at him. His hands were gripping onto the steering wheel vigorously. 

“No, I’m suffering because I made you suffer it’s the instant karma or whatever. I’ll try my best to get myself a Sona that will help me to get over you. I hope I’ll find that person and will be able to provide a healthy friendship you’d be satisfied with.” Jinyoung turned his head to look at you and you stopped moving.

“I believe in you.” his hand touched your cheek, caressing the top of your head quickly. 

“How did it feel when you understood you don’t love me anymore? Refreshing?” 

“No.”

“You just felt at ease?”

“No.” his hand let go of you and he turned his attention back to driving. 

“Free?”you asked. 

“No. I felt like I died because I solemnly believed I’d never let go of you.” he said lowly and you gulped in silence. “I doubt myself once in a while if a gave up too easily and the day I saw you I suddenly felt like I should drop everything and get back with you no matter what, but then I got back to my senses.” he peeked at you quickly. “We probably won’t work out. Not anymore.” you nodded quickly and turned away. Your eyes glistened and you looked up to not ruin the eyeliner you did so thoroughly. 

-

“Anything I should know of your plans?” Jinyoung asked you when he parked his car next to a club you’ve never seen before. 

“Just don’t get in the way.” 

“That’s mean.” he pouted and you looked away immediately. 

“You can leave when you’ll feel like it. I’ll be fine.” you added quickly unbelting the belt and turning to step out.  

“No, we came together, we’re leaving together. I’ll drive both you and Sona home.” 

“I don’t know in what home I’ll end up tonight so don’t worry.” you rolled your eyes and left the car. “Where’s Sona?” you asked when Jinyoung stood in front of you. 

“She just texted me she’s inside.” 

“Okay, good, let’s go.” you moved towards the entrance and finally got into the loud aura of the club. The club was filled with teenagers and you wondered where did Jinyoung found it. You looked around more actually peaking on a couple of guys around your age. 

“Sona’s there.” you heard Jinyoung’s voice close to your ear. His fingers wrapped around your elbow and you could feel his torso with your back. You wanted to melt away in the moment right before the memories of him saying you’ll never work out popped up in your head.

“Don’t.” you pushed him off you. 

-

“Jinyoungie, I want to dance.” you heard Sona’s drunken voice and turned to look at Jinyoung.

“Okay, go. I’ll look out for you from here.” she stood up and hung on his neck instead of leaving. 

“Just go with her.” you blabbered annoyed. If you knew she’d act this way after one drink you’d never ask him to bring her. Jinyoung stared at you for a second, standing up and leaving your sight. You took one more sip of the rum in your hand. 

“Are the three of you dating?” you raised your head immediately and turned at the voice. Guessing it was one of the teenagers you were stunned by the man’s handsomeness and maturity when you saw him. 

“Want to be the fourth?” you smirked and turned away. 

“Not interested.” you could hear by his voice he smirked too. 

“I would’ve arranged it for you.” you turned back around to him. 

“Your dress is pretty. The whole outfit is screaming too much though.”

“A very weird compliment.”

“I wasn’t trying to compliment.” 

“Oh, okay.” you nodded your head and took a sip. 

“You’re not going to ask screaming of what?”

“Nah, you’ll probably say something weird.” he chuckled and you looked at his face more accurately. He probably was over 30 but still looked very young and fancy through his clothes. 

“What you’re thinking?” he asked you when you stared at him dumbly for too long. You should’ve said something before but completely zoned out with all the alcohol you consumed previously. 

“I want to kiss you.” you blabbered just whatever and looked him in the eyes expecting for him to be taken aback. He bit lightly onto his tongue. 

“I can’t say no to a lady.” he smirked and licked his lips. You leaned in to him and to find balance you pressed your palms against his thighs. You leaned in more and parted your lips slightly to kiss him when his hand caught your face midway. You just felt like he’d chicken out, there was something about his face. “Just like that? How often do you kiss strangers at clubs?” you squinted your eyes at him and sat back. 

“You were bout to be the first one in two years.” 

“I should’ve guessed.” he nodded seriously. 

“How would you have guessed this?” 

“Your aura screams you seek revenge. You probably fought with your boyfriend and will regret later anything you’ll do tonight.”

“Oh boy, you’re so wrong.” you giggled lightly. “What’s your name?” 

“Junwon.”

“I’m Y/n.” 

“It’s nice to meet you.” he smiled friendly at you. 

“You’re drinking?” he nodded in reply. 

“Let’s get you a drink then, Junwon.” 

-

Your lips weren’t giving him a break even for a second. Junwon had to pull you off him every now and then just to take a breathe in. You wanted him to touch you more and kiss you harder but he just kept his hands on your waist, kissing you back politely. Your hand held onto his cheek gently, sucking onto his lower lip. He hugged you tighter finally and your hand hooked over his neck. 

“Want to go to my place?” you pulled back just to be able to talk and the both of you looked at each other. He looked behind you and moved his eyes back to you, shaking his head a no slightly. “Yours then?” you smirked and he smiled at you weirdly. 

“Just give me your phone number.”

“Huh?”

“Let’s see each other again maybe in the daytime?” his fingers flexed on your waist and bit onto your lip. “You seem fun, I don’t want to just sleep and never talk again.” 

“We can sleep and talk after for how long you want to.” you pulled in again, trying to kiss him. 

“I think your friend wants to talk to you.” he moved his neck back not letting you to do what you wanted. 

“Who?” you furrowed your eyebrows and turned around. Junwon let go of you immediately and the thought that it was actually nice to have someone touching you gently rushed through your mind once again. Jinyoung stood in front of you with Sona hanging on his shoulder. In the past two hours you forgot completely that you came here with them, you were so consumed with Junwon it confused you for a couple of seconds what friend he was talking about. “Yeah?” you raised your brows a little when asking. Suddenly the thought that you’d give everything to hang against Jinyoung’s shoulder instead of Sona rushed through your brain. 

“Let’s go home? It’s three and Sona drank too much. I have to go to work tomorrow, you too.” his lips next to your ear formed all those shivers that ran down your spine. The sound of his low voice made you even more drunk than you were before. 

“I’ll go with him.” you pointed behind you. 

“Are you sure?” you were hoping he asked because somewhere deep down of him he felt a sting of jealousy. You tried to think through when you felt Junwon touch your wrist. 

“Sorry I overheard you, but you should really go home. I’ll text you tomorrow, I actually have to wake up early too so I’ll leave now.” 

“Are you somehow a way too responsible type of person?”

“No, I don’t think so, why?” 

“Just because you’re pretty I’ll forgive you for not giving me what I want, Junwon.” you patted his shoulder lightly. 

“And I’m very grateful. Get home safe.” he smiled and probably expected for you to leave but you leaned in and kissed him slowly. 

“Bye.” you smiled and walked next to Jinyoung. 

-

“You okay?“ he asked, doing his seatbelt. Sona was knocked off on the back seat and you tried your best to look as sober as ever. 

“Yeah, why?” 

“You drank a lot with that guy.”

“Were you stalking?” you turned your body towards him. You were thinking this was the moment you two make out with his girlfriend sleeping in the back. 

“I was keeping an eye on you to make sure you were okay.”

“You’re sweet, Jinyoungie.” you raised your hand and rubbed his cheek with the back of your hand. His cheeks were as soft as ever and you felt that burning inside of you to kiss it. 

“Will you take Sona home first or will you take her to yours?” 

“I don’t know.“

“Why?”

“I don’t know where she lives or the code.” 

“Fuck.” you mumbled with your lips only, you just wanted to make him stay with you and it all was ruined. “I can wake her up and ask her?” 

“It’s fine, I’ll just take all of us to mine.” 

“Ugh, actually take me home please.” 

“It’s fine, there’s enough space for all of us.” 

“Isn’t it strange…? She’ll ask why I stay at yours, just let me go home. You can walk me up and even tuck me in bed… this is up to your will though.” 

“Fool.” he shook his head disapprovingly. 

“Your favourite fool, right?” you grabbed his arm and he definitely was startled. You pulled it closer to your body and hugged it. Jinyoungs fingers caressed the upper part of your thigh. 

“You definitely had too much.” he chuckled lowly. “Are you sure? About the home?” 

“Yeah.” you nodded and watched him drive to a different lane to make a turn. You still held onto his arm tightly, feeling how his palm rested against your leg now. You could almost feel yourself falling asleep when Jinyoung’s light taps brought you back to life. 

“We’re here.” 

“Thank you. For everything.” you smiled at him and was wishing you never needed to let go of

him. 

“Don’t say your goodbyes, I’ll walk you up.” 

“Is Sona going to be fine…?” you looked back at the girl that was stretched now on the back seat, fast asleep. 

“Shut your mouth before you regret all you say. I know you don’t actually mean it.” You sighed steadily, closing your eyes. “Please just let go of me and leave.“

“Why’d you believe someone I don’t know?“ He moved his hands away, but put them back on your shoulder, sliding them up and down.

“Because I saw a picture, and a video, there were your clothes, it was you, Jinyoung. I saw your hands on her waist. I texted the girl, she said she didn’t know you were taken.“ You gulped trying to stop stupid tears fall down your cheeks.

“How would you even get a hypothetical phone number of a random  hypothetical girl I fucked randomly at a club? Are you what, know every girl in the whole Seoul?”

“You’re bad at cheating, she turned out to be Johnny’s friends acquaintance.“ You sighed, feeling Jinyoung step closer.

“Baby, that alone is suspicious. A random girl bumped into me and  I caught her. That’s it. Weirdly she gave me a hug as a thank you. I walked back to Johnny right after, spent there maybe 15 more minutes and went back home. I don’t know what picture you saw, but I wouldn’t cheat on you even if someone payed me a billion won. I love you, I don’t need anything else. I love you, please believe me, not Johnny, I beg you.“ he leaned in, eating your eyes out with his. His fingers slowly crawled down to yours, intertwining them. “Don’t you always say I’m 70? How’d I cheat, it doesn’t even sit right with my character. Baby, I don’t even know if I’m offended or actually impressed you believed it.” He chuckled and leaned in slowly, giving you a hug when you didn’t pull back.

“The story…it’s just weird how even with evidence, there’s a perfectly fit story from your side, like it’s been thoroughly made up…" you took a breath in, feeling Jinyoung’s scent get into your nose and make you drop every wall you tried to build up. “I still… I still want you to go. Cheating is…it’s the worst for me, I told you this so many times. I won’t ever forget it, I don’t get the concept of cheating, I don’t want to get it. If you can’t keep your faithfulness then just don’t get into a relationship. I heard you… and I try to believe you but its just… hard. It doesn’t sit right with me, even the whole fact this popped up.” He moved back, losing contact with you.

“D-do you mean it…? You want me to go? Maybe I can just sleep on the couch?“

“No, it’s better I’ll stay alone.“ You sighed and nodded to yourself.

“Okay…I’ll leave…please don’t ignore me, okay? I’ll be texting you.“ He expanded his hand, dropping it onto your neck. His thumb caressed it carefully, forcing for you to look at him. “I hope you’ll remember that I love you… and I would literally… never. Never ever, I love you.“ He sighed, leaning in and leaving a kiss on your forehead. 

“Okay…“ you nodded.

“Can I leave all my things here?“

“No, please take them with you.“ You gulped awkwardly. 

“Promise me you’re not just breaking up with me?“ His fingers on your neck forced you to look at him. 

“I’m not, I would’ve told you if it was this way.“

“Okay…“ he nodded “I love you.“ You felt his lips on your temple, forcing you into a tight hug. “I love you. Sleep tight, baby.“ He sighed into your hair, kissing your temple once again and leaving the room and your house. 

You laid on your bed, getting under the blanket with your clothes on, not resisting a sob leave your throat.

“Johnny?“ You sobbed into the phone when he picked up.

“Yes love, what’s up? You’re crying?“ 

“Can you come over? I need you.“

“Yes baby, I’ll be at yours in 15. Please don’t get yourself all upset.“ You nodded as if he could see you and hung up.

-

“Promise me it’s not I lie.“ you looked Johnny in the eyes, watching his face carefully for a reaction. 

“I promise, its not.“ He made a hand gesture proving his words.

“Swear on our friendship?“ You asked once again.

“I swear on my life I didn’t lie. I did see Jinyoung do what I said. I should’ve said I did ask him to come over to finally get along, but I didn’t ask him to come over and got him with a girl or something. I didn’t. He left with her and then told me he has to go. Well of course…I mean, let’s not get into the subject once again. I know it’s traumatising to you.“

“Yeah…“ you nodded, agreeing.

“So what…what have you decided? You spoke to him, right?“

“I have. I don’t… I don’t know. He says it’s not true, I want to believe him. I do know him. He’s not someone like that at all, but then you’re saying this… you and these girls…“

“Wait, hold up.“ Johnny sat up, brushing his hair through the fingers. “You’re saying he’s denying everything? Don’t tell me he’s saying I’m lying?“

“He does.“ you made a loud sigh.

“You believe him or me?“ Johnny turned his head to the side a little, trying to understand.

“I…I don’t know who to believe.“

“Y/n, you must be shitting me, right?“

“What you mean…?“ You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion.

“I mean that I’m your best friend of how many years?“ He paused giving you a sign he actually wanted you to answer. 

“20 maybe?“

“Exactly, 20 maybe. Dropping the fact the guy was your family member for a couple of years, you’ve known him for a year. A year in a relationship, but still. We don’t know anything about him. We don’t know if he lied to you before or not. If he didn’t mind doing it in front of my nose? When I literally was there…? Like what else could he do? I wouldn’t lie to you, you’re the only person in the whole wide world I care for. Even if in the beginning I act like shit, now I could see you being happy. I wouldn’t just say all this without meaning it. I could’ve kept quiet but then what? He’d probably do it again, or you’d find out any way somehow much later. You’d be hurt. I know you’re hurt right now too, but at least we found out before you guys moved in and took a next step. I think it’s for the best even though it hurts now.“

“But…he’s so innocent? I don’t see it in his eyes. I don’t see him trying to cover up a lie. i feel like I accuse him in something he didn’t do while you’re saying his guilty. Should I bring a lie detector or what? How do I know what to do.“ you closed your eyes, feeling shivers over your hands.

“I’m doing this for you… I just hope you find someone who’s actually able to love you without cheating.“ 

“Swear to me?“

“Didnt I do it already? I swear I saw it. Didn’t Yerim send you the video? I thought you texted the girl that was with him in that toilet.“

“I did… she said it was him. How did you get her phone number anyway?“

“She turned out to be Lia’s friend, Lia was there that day too, she was trying to get with him but then came to us and complained how Ryu was quicker to get him than her.“

“Why do you know literally everyone?“ You hit his hand lightly, closing your eyes with your hands.

“Want me to make her meet with you?“

“No, thanks.“ You coughed in disgust.

“So what’s your plan….?“

“I’ll talk to him again.“

“And you think he’ll admit to it? I don’t think it’ll be anything than what he already said.“

“Johnny, I can’t just tell him goodbye, I love him. I never thought I could forgive someone for cheating, but now…? I just love him so much I can’t imagine not having him in my life anymore.“

“Oh no. I’m not going to allow this, I’ll never allow anyone disrespect my best friend. You hear me?“

“I know, Johnny, but it’s just something… it’s something you won’t understand.“

-

From: unknown number

“hi, I know this is sudden“

“You asked about the guy bc he’s your boyfriend or sum right?“

“I thought it’s better you know“

“Sent a photo“ 

It’s a screenshot you opened quickly, reading through what was written in there. The senders number at the top of the screen. It’s his phone  number. You knew for sure it was his phone number. 

“Want to get a drink? It’s a boring Tuesday, I thought you could make it better.“ Your eyes ran through the messages multiple times, before you jumped up from the couch, grabbing your car keys and running out of the house.

-

“How were the drinks?“ You stood up from the bench you sat on for the past two hours, feeling like you froze to it, but jumping up quickly when you saw Jinyoung’s silhouette. You ran to his place as soon as you read the messages, only to find out that for some very weird and unknown reason he wasn’t yet home. You walked back outside, sitting there and hoping he’ll come soon, but the longer you sat there the more you believed he was out having those drinks. 

“What? Y/n, baby, you’re here?” Jinyoung extended his hand to your face and you just slapped it away. 

“Don’t touch me, don’t call me baby, don’t do any of it. I tried to believe you, I did my best to not get into doubting you. But you’re …? You just went out with the same fucking bitch while asking me to not break up with you at the same time? You’re fucking insane Jinyoung, I can’t believe you’re like this. I can’t believe you’re someone I love so much! It’s not you, why don’t you love me anymore? Why didn’t you just tell me you don’t love me anymore. Maybe, it would’ve hurt less.” you felt tears prickle your eyes, and not being able to resist them you just started crying. 

“What? What you’re saying? Why is all this happening to us? Let’s get upstairs and calm you down. How long have you been here? You should’ve called me, you’re probably freezing.” his hand found yours and he tried to pull you in only to get slapped away by you. 

“Where you were just now?”

“Work, I was at university.”

“At university? And only getting back home at half 11?” You chuckled aggressively. 

“Yes, you know things like this happen sometimes. I began reading essays and then got lost in time and only left when I was told to do so because they were closing the doors. I went to get take out on my way back home and you’re here, waiting for me to accuse me in something again, something I didn’t do.” 

“Where’s that from?” 

“What?” 

“Food.” 

“Omane.” he replied confused. 

You grabbed the phone from your pocket, texting the girl “have you ever been to a cafe called Omane?”. Jinyoung stared at you confused while you stared at your phone for her to reply. 

from: unknown number 

“yeah… I was there… with him… like 20 minutes ago?” 

“Brought food?” you raised your eyes at him, gifting him a smile. “D’you think there will be enough for me?” you stepped closer wrapping your hands around his neck. You felt him get his hands around you immediately. 

“Baby you’re driving me insane, can you at least explain.” he whispered into your lips, trying to kiss you. 

“Want to fuck?”

“It don’t matter.” you felt his hand move over to your neck for you to not move your head around. 

“You have to say if you want the goodbye sex or not. I can bare with that, I mean I’m not even going to deny I’ll miss everything about you. There wasn’t anything I didn’t like about you. Everything you did was always so perfect, it made you almost unreal. But now I know, that everything that there was, was just a perfect mask on your ugly fucking lying face!” you pushed him back, leaving distance between you. 

“What the actual fuck is going on?” 

“It’s over Jinyoung, now it’s totally over. You had the chance, but I guess you’re not able to stop once you got the taste of sleeping around. I’m not the one to judge, I mean, I literally lived this life for many years. Goodbye.” you sighed and patted his shoulder, walking away quickly, to not start crying before you get to your car. 

“No, Y/n, stop. What the fuck? Please stop, give me at least a chance to prove that Johnny is a motherfucking liar. Baby, fuck, please don’t run away, I beg you. Y/n, I love you. Please?” you could feel him walk right behind you. You ran over your car, getting into it as fast as you could, locking the door just the second before you could feel his hands on the handle. He began banging on the window, trying to make you open the door. “Baby, open the door, let’s talk. You’ll know it’s a lie once we get to talk, baby, Y/n, I love you, please.” you turned your head to look at him when you heard his voice change. You could see tears glisten in his eyes. You got so scared at what you felt, seeing him cry, you started the engine quickly, pushing the gas pedal to drive away from him. Setting your eyes on his figure in the mirror. 

-

“How are you doing?” you turned around at the sound of Johnny’s voice. 

“Good.” you forced a smile, expanding your hands to hug him when he leaned in. “You?”

“Good, and my good is much better than yours.” he chuckled and sat next to you. You smiled too, pursing your lips. “I ordered food on my way back, so I guess it’ll be delivered soon.”

“Thank you.” you smiled at him, running your eyes over his living room. 

After that last conversation with Jinyoung, you didn’t know where to go, driving yourself to Johnny’s. He let you, or more precisely - forced you to stay at his. To make sure you were fine, and to not let you do stupid things. You were happy to stay, you needed company, and not being lonely during evenings was definitely something that helped you. You waited for Jinyoung’s calls, waited for him to text you, but he didn’t even try once. You didn’t understand it, you wondered if he came to your place, tried to reach out to you but stood in front of a closed door. 

“D’you think he never texted or called me because he never loved me?” you asked Johnny quietly to break the silence. He moved his eyes from the screen of his phone to you. 

“I don’t know.” he coughed awkwardly. You knew he hated that you brought Jinyoung up almost every 10 seconds, but it was the longest you were able not to mention him. “I would’ve called if I was him.”

“Maybe he is actually innocent and I hurt him?” you took a loud breath in, trying to not cry from vocalising the thought that was in your head for the past week. “I hurt him, right? He never did anything wrong, but I didn’t believe him and called him bad words, I should call him.” you felt your hands shaking, reaching out to grab the phone from the coffee table. 

“Stop.” Johnny said strictly grabbing the phone before you could. “I’ll take it.”

“What?” you wiped the tear with your finger, trying to take it from Johnny’s hands. 

“I’ll take your phone from you until you’re calm enough. You don’t want to call him, please, Y/n, your brain is making up things because you’re heartbroken. He’s just being shit for not even trying to say sorry. In a whole week. We need you to calm down at least a little, you’ve spent a whole week inside of here, even working from distance. I think we can at least take a walk, you’ll feel better, fresh air will make you feel better, okay?” he leaned in, resting his head against yours. Johnny’s fingers ran over your neck, making you think of how Jinyoung would always make you shiver with a single touch. “Go take a shower, then we’ll eat and take a walk around the block, agreed?” You nodded, closing your eyes. “Good, now go.” he moved away, allowing for you to stand up. 

You got all your clothes off, getting into the hot water that could dampen your loud cries of a heartbroken girl. 

-

Jinyoung stood behind the door of Johnny’s apartment, raising his hand to knock on it. It was his last option. Last chance to explain everything, tell you he’s sorry, get to see you and possibly get to touch your skin. A week of pointless phone calls, messages that never reached you, lonely nights in your bed in hopes of you coming back home. The only place you could’ve went to was this. Your best friends house is the last option Jinyoung didn’t check on, because he knew he has no power in him to not smash his knuckles against Johnny’s face the second he sees him. He knew power and violence shouldn’t be the option but he caught himself thinking of it for at least 100 times today only. He knocked lightly, going through possible scenarios. A scenario where you opened the door suddenly popped in his head and he felt himself freeze right on the spot. 

“Oh, bye.” he saw Johnny’s shocked face for a slight second, before he began closing the door immediately. Jinyoung moved his foot quickly, getting it in the way. 

”Let me talk to her.” Jinyoung stared into his eyes. 

“She’s not here.”

“Bullshit.” he sighed and felt his palms turn into  fists unconsciously. 

“How’d you find out where I live?” Johnny furrowed his eyebrows. 

“Y/n.” Jinyoung said loudly trying to peek inside of the apartment. 

“She don’t want you, get lost.” 

“How do you know what she wants? You’re a freaking liar. Let me in!” Jinyoung felt himself getting worked up. “Are you keeping her hostage there? Her phone number is unavailable! She don’t go to work and don’t come back home. Let me see her!” 

“Dude, you know why she don’t want to go home? You know why she changed her phone number immediately? Wanna know why she did all that?” Johnny paused and they kept looking at each other quietly, just blinking. “Guess you do tho, she don’t want to deal with you anymore. She moved on. You should’ve known better, how it’s easy for Y/n to move on from things. I think you should do it, especially after you cheated on her. Like man, what the fuck do you want from her after this? She won’t forgive you.”

“We both know it’s a fucking lie, Johnny, I’ll speak to her whether you want it or not, she’ll know the truth one way or the other.” 

“You’re saying it’s a lie, but she knows it’s the truth. I know it’s the truth, people that saw you and actually were with you know it’s the truth. You don’t call her, don’t message her, so you’re not even sorry. And she don’t really care. We just had sex.”

“What the fuck you’re saying, she would never do that with you.” Jinyoung chuckled sarcastically. 

“Guess why she’s in the shower?” Johnny smirked. 

“That’s another bullshit from you.”

“We’re going out and I know she’s not going to hold back, finally she’ll be able to do whatever the fuck she wants, and she wants it. Want to live her normal previous life. And now, you better leave, before I call the police. We have cameras over here.” Johnny pointed with his fingers to the ceiling towards the cameras. 

“I…I’ll… Fuck you.” Jinyoung pushed the door with force, making Johnny almost fall back when the door locked in front of him quickly. 

“Is the food here?” you asked, hearing the door shut from the bathroom.

“Nah, wrong delivery man.” 

“I’m actually feeling better after the shower, I’m starving!” you shouted, looking at your puffy face. Of course you felt better, after crying for the past 15 minutes. 

-

“Hi…?” Johnny peaked into his room like it was yours. Technically it was now, staying there for almost a month, you get now like you practically moved in. It felt comfortable to have someone around this whole time while Jinyoung took every brain cell of yours. 

“Hi.” you turned around, smiling at him. 

“Still mourning?” he chuckled and walked in, extending his hand over to you. 

“What’s that?” you turned your head curiously. 

“A gift for the broken hearts.” he chuckled and sat right next to you. 

“I’m sure it’s just a choco bar?” you took it from his hands, unwrapping it immediately. 

“It is, I was hoping it’ll make you feel a tiny bit better.” he pursed his lips. 

“It did.” you smiled widely, wrapping your hands around his shoulders. Johnny wrapped his hands around your back, falling to lie and make half of your body lay atop of him. His hands caressed your back and you felt calm. The feeling you barely felt in all those past weeks. 

“You know…” you whispered into his chest, sighing heavily. 

“Is it about Jinyoung?” he interrupted you. 

“Yeah…”  you cleared your throat awkwardly. “I just thought … maybe I should see Jinyoung once? Just to tell him goodbye properly, ask him what was wrong with me…? He didn’t text me even once… I guess this means you were right? He just stopped loving me at one point and I never noticed… but I still feel bad, he probably never told me this because he didn’t want to hurt me… and I don’t know what I’m saying now actually… I just thought maybe I should text him and ask for a meeting.” you finished your sentence and the room went quiet. 

“Well…” you could practically feel him thinking “Are you a masochist?” 

“What?”

“You want to see for a goodbye someone who broke you in pieces. I’ve never seen you cry so much, I’ve never seen you being this hurt. I’m against it and when I say it I mean it. I’ll fight you if it’ll be needed, because you’ll thank me later. All of this is for the good, I’m glad he’s not trying to see you. It’s just perfect, we should set a limit for the number of times we can mention him in a day so you’ll finally feel at least tiny feel better. We’re not wasting your life on this. No man worth it.” you felt his hands get tighter around you, making you feel grateful and thankful for such a friend.

“I love you. You’re the bestest friend I could’ve ever asked for.”

“I love you more.” he said making you chuckle. 

-

“Helloooo” Johnny sang happily, getting

inside of his apartment. 

“Hi.” you looked at him with a smile. You sat at the windowsill with your laptop, finishing your last bits of work for the day. 

“Good mood?” he walked to the bathroom, washing his hands and getting back to you. 

“Kind of.” you smiled and closed the laptop, laying it next to your feet. “I made us dinner, and even dessert.” you bit onto your lower lip. 

“You’re the best!” Johnny exclaimed, walking towards you. His hands took you into a bear hug the second he was able to reach you. You hugged his waist, raising your head to see his face expression. Johnny bent and kissed your forehead and you felt pleased for some reason. “Remember, you promised we’ll go somewhere this weekend?”

“Yeah, we will.” you nodded, moving your hair away from your face. 

“Cool.” he chuckled “you think you’ll want to meet someone?”

“Oh… this, I wanted to ask.” 

“Yeah?” Johnny moved a step back to see your face properly. 

“Do you have anyone right now? Like someone you kind of like or at least sleep with on the regular?”

“No, why?” he furrowed his eyebrows. 

“Do you want to keep on looking for that person…?”

“What person?”

“Someone you’ll spend the rest of your life with.”

“I don’t ne…”

“Just cut it, we discussed this many times, you do want to have a wife, children. Not now, not next year but you do and you told me this hundred of times.” you felt yourself getting worked up and took a second to calm down. ”So do you want to keep on doing it or what?” 

“I… I think I know where you’re going.” 

“But you have to answer first.” 

“If you want to do it then I do to.” 

“I’m sorry, I think I chose the wrong time to talk about this.” you shook your head, standing up. 

“No, it’s fine.” he stopped you, forcing to sit back down. “I was not going to ask because I know you’d want to live your life with someone you love for real.”

“I…In these three months I just realised I don’t want to go through a heartbreak ever again. I know it’s maybe selfish… but we spoke about it before… I don’t know if we actually joked around or no, but if you want to… we can be together… I mean… I don’t know on what terms and things like that…I didn’t think this through.” you shook your head and held it with your hands. 

“Y/n…” Johnny squatted in front of you, making his arms lay on your thighs, locking his fingers on your lower back. “I’ll agree to whatever you have. Anything, I will. There’s only one thing I’ll ask of you and will follow it by heart myself.”

“Yeah?” 

“I know we don’t love each other like that, I know it’s pretty much fake, but I still love you. And I love you more, than you could’ve ever imagined. I’ll love to be with you even if it’s just us telling everyone we’re together and not having any affection what so ever in our real life…. I just ask you to not see or flirt or sleep with anyone? I won’t do that either, I know we would not sleep with each other, but maybe, 10 years later, when you’ll want children, we’ll have to do it, because there’s no other way…” he chuckled and you cringed at the thought of having sex with Johnny. 

“That’s disgusting.” you made a gagging noise. “But yeah… agreed… in 10 years time I guess I’ll have to close my eyes and do it for the sake of babies.” you chuckled. 

“Agreed to having sex in 10 years or to not seeing other people from this very moment?”

“Both.” you chuckled and he hugged you, allowing for you to run your fingers through his hair. 

-

“I thought I should say what I have on my mind, my companion for life?” you chuckled, when Johnny walked out of the shower, getting ready to go to bed. 

“Yeah, okay?” he turned around, standing in front of the bed. 

“You can sit on my bed.” you chuckled. 

“It is my bed.” Johnny pointed out, sitting on it. 

“I just lent it to you for a couple of months.” 

“Shouldn’t it be our bed from now on…?” you asked distantly. 

“Huh?” Johnny raised his eyebrows. 

“I’m joking.” you smiled “now it’ll be totally weird to sleep with you.” 

“I can sleep just next to you, no feelings attached.” he chuckled. 

“No thank you.” you smiled. 

“So what was it you wanted to say?”

“Yeah… Can we not pretend we’re affectionate and all that? When we’re with friends or just out… I’m … I’m not ready to be honest. And, I don’t know what I meant by asking you this earlier today. I feel like regretting doing it… You probably just felt bad for my pity soul and agreed. I don’t know what you’re getting from this, if we at least were friends with benefits, but you’re just getting to tell people around we’re dating and that’s basically it… on the perks.” 

“You know… I was thinking of this after we spoke. I think I am able to make you fall in love with me?” he said seriously, looking you in the eyes. You burst into laughter, hiding your face in your palms. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Maybe you can, I just don’t know.” you tried to stop yourself from laughing. “I’m sorry.”

“If we’ll be in love with each other it’ll be beneficial for us, isn’t it? I mean, you’ll get to spend the rest of your life with someone you love, and I know, that’s what you want to do in life. I want to give it to you. I don’t want this to feel for you like a punishment, this should be a reward. I want us one day to be attracted to each other to the point we’ll want to kiss. To the point we’ll want to get close physically. We’re already close in all other ways, so I know for a fact we can be more than that. Let’s just go with the flow and not resist it. Live life with no regrets.” 

“Deal.” you smiled at him, expanding your hand for him to shake it. Johnny instead laid his palm on the back of your head, forcing for you to lean in and kissed your cheek. 

“Love you, good night.” he smiled and stood up, waving at you before closing the door and leaving. 

You laid your head on the pillow, closing your eyes and feeling tears stream down your cheeks. Again, like they always did for every evening of these past three months. Now adding up to everything you felt terrible for suggesting to Johnny this hideous idea.  

-

“How long have you been together? Why did you hide it from us!?!” you heard Johnny’s mom loud voice right the second she opened the front door. 

“You told her?” you furrowed your eyebrows, asking him quietly. 

“I’m sorry.” he said with his lips only, being pulled in by his mom into a hug. 

“Hi darling.” she pulled you in, kissing your cheeks. “I always knew you two will end up together. I just did, and look where you two now.” you smiled, nodding lightly. 

She finally let both of you go, inviting you inside. You felt Johnny’s hand grab your fingers, holding them lightly in his while walking with you to the living room. His mom looked at your hands and smirked at you knowingly. You forced out a smile, feeling shivers run down your back. Not the good type of shivers. You waited till she turned away, pulling your hand from his hold. 

First of all, Johnny said his mom wanted to see you because she missed you, not because he said you were a thing. You felt wrong and terrible for having to pretend. 

“Come on, why are you two so quiet? Young people these days!” She exclaimed, looking at her husband. “For how long two of you have been together already!?” 

“Around… three months maybe?” you smiled awkwardly. 

“Y/n, darling, didn’t you have that boy, Johnny said he worked at the university.” ‘Yes, Jinyoung.’ You felt your brain go in overdrive. Your heart began beating quickly, you felt your entire body stiffen and make you stuck. 

“Yeah, well, they broke up.” Johnny said, when you kept quiet for too long. He dropped his hand over your shoulders as it didn’t make you feel better. 

Nothing made you feel better recently. Johnny’s attempts to seduce you began feeling rather pathetic in two months time and if you felt sort of regretful for suggesting this before, now you felt like this was the worst decision in your life. He’d put his hand around you at every given chance, he’d hold your hand, flirt with you or act gentle. This made you bite into your cheeks to prevent from laughing on way too many occasions. You tried hard and wanted this to work out but feelings just weren’t there for you, and you had so little left of your patience to keep on trying. 

“It’s all for the better. I always had that gut feeling, I always knew you two were meant to be. Since you two were little babies, the way you got along, I just…. I’m so happy for you two!!!” she clapped her hands and you smiled for the sake of her.

-

“It’s fine I’ll sleep with you, right?” Johnny asked, when the both of you entered his room. 

“Yeah.” you nodded and he sighed enlightened. You felt terrible with the idea of him having to ask you if he could sleep in the same bed with you. This never popped up as a problem before, but since the day you two agreed to be together, you never slept with him once and felt like the barrier you built up was getting harder to break down every day. 

-

“You…you can sleep with me?” you asked him the second before he closed the door to the room. 

“You sure?” 

“Yeah… I mean, we slept at your parents house yesterday… it’s okay, let’s get you back to your bed.” you smiled. “I’ve been living here for 6 months now, I’m sure you miss it.” you tapped on the bed, inviting him. 

Johnny didn’t need a second invitation, laying on the bed quickly. You watched him get comfortable in the bed and turned the lights off, laying right next to him. 

“You right, I did miss my bed.” he sighed after a long pause. You didn’t reply, debating. You shuffled in bed, getting closer to Johnny. 

“Did you miss me?” you whispered. 

“I did, sleeping with you is the best.” he whispered and moved his body so your head would be on the same level. “I miss having physical contact with you like we always used to. You’re avoiding me and it breaks my heart.” he whispered and you felt like someone grabbed your insides and squeezed them. 

“Don’t act like this.” you chuckled and pushed him playfully. 

“No, but I had to tell you this earlier.”

“What?” you felt concerned, but when you felt his hand carefully crawl over your waist you knew it’s not something serious. 

“I like you for real. I don’t know if there’s anything you feel for me now, but I like you. Take it as you want to.” you gulped, feeling shivers all over your body. 

“Like…you mean romantically…?”

“Yes, I like you romantically.” 

“Johnny…” you bit onto your lip. 

“No, it’s fine. I just said for you to know, not because I want you to tell me the same thing back.” 

“Johnny…” You sighed and moved a little bit closer. You thought how you were trying to tell him that nothing works just a second ago and now you felt like there was a lump in your throat that wouldn’t let all those words get out of your mouth. Johnny liked you now, like for real-real, and instead of being happy and pleased you felt like shit for making him feel this. “I do like you too.” was all that left your mouth. 

“Like you’re attracted to me…?” he asked in disbelief and you nodded, not being able to tell another lie. You felt Johnny’s hand move over to your cheek, caressing it carefully. You closed your eyes, for a second feeling your heart ache at the imagination that it was Jinyoung. Jinyoung. It’s been 10 minutes since you last thought of him. “Im dying to kiss you.” Johnny whispered while you were out of this world, leaning in and kissing your lips quicker than you could react. His lips moved carefully and lovingly. Kissing with no feelings attached was something you were used to, replying to his kiss carefully, you felt his hand move over to your waist to turn you on your back. You moved your hand onto his neck, pulling him away from you. He obeyed, leaning in again for a quick peck. 

“Good night.” you smiled, trying to hide your feelings. 

“Good night.” Johnny whispered back at you, running his thumb over your cheek. 

You turned your back at him, hugging the pillow tightly to prevent from crying. You wanted this to be Jinyoung and you knew no matter how many moths went by, you still wanted to see him, and be with him. The more you were soaked into this madness with Johnny, the more you were feeling obsessed with the idea of reaching out to Jinyoung. You knew this was crazy now for sure. It’s been 6 months, he could’ve done anything in those six months. Even get married, move or whatever. The thought of finding out he didn’t need you anymore was even scarier than anything else. You closed your eyes, trying your best to stop yourself from crying. You heard Johnny shuffle behind you, moving his body next to yours and wrapping his hand over your waist. 

You felt his lips on your shoulder, leaving a wet stain that made you shiver all over. 

-

Your life felt more or less collected now, at least, you liked to tell this to your reflection in the mirror. You thought yourself how to hide your feelings, hide them in front of your closest friend, which gave you even more stress on top of what you felt on the regular, but it was for the best. Johnny seemed genuinely happy, you were glad you were at least capable of that, but your mental stability felt shaken, and you knew for sure there wasn’t anyone to blame for it except for you. Your routine contained of going on lonely walks every evening, you’d run away the second Johnny entered the house and came back around 9 just in time your eyes looked less puffy from crying. You felt broken and didn’t know how to fix yourself. You didn’t know by now what you mourned about more: Jinyoung, your previous relationship with Johnny or the life you now lived. You hated everything and the heaviness in your chest sometimes made it hard to breathe. You didn’t know if Johnny pretended to not see or really didn’t see you struggle. You were thankful and hated it at the same time because you wanted to talk about it but had no idea where’d it lead the both of you. You were thankful he never asked to join you on these walks and never talked you out of them. You were satisfied enough you two lived a life of two distant neighbours.

“You’re late tonight.“ you smiled at Johnny when he entered the room. You already turned off the lights and put your phone away to charge, he never came late, and it felt weird to you that you didn’t even worry, you didn’t even message him or ask him.

“I am.“ he nodded and moved closer to bed, closing the door behind him.

“I’m going to sleep now, so good night.“ You sighed and turned to your side.

“Wait.“ Johnny moved to the side of the bed you faced now and squatted in front of you. You could smell the strong alcohol odore. 

“You went drinking? Without me?“ You pouted playfully and chuckled.

“Yeah.“ He nodded and leaned on to the bed with his hands. “Move.“ he whispered and you squinted your eyes, pushing your body closer to the center of the bed. Johnny laid himself on the edge of the bed, moving closer to you.

“Your clothes are dirty.“ You whispered, feeling his hand on your waist through the duvet.

“I can take them off.“ his other hand snaked under your head, wrapping it around your neck to caress your cheek with his thumb. You wrapped your hands around his waist and chuckled. You missed Johnny being this way, you missed him being flirtatious. You didn’t realise he acted different too, you guessed you were as selfish as ever thinking of yourself only. He probably struggled too, felt you two getting distant. He couldn’t be blind. “I miss just laying with you and discussing random things.” he sighed and pulled you closer. 

“I do too.” you whispered, finding a comfortable position to rest your body against his. 

“We can start doing it again.” you raised your head to look at him and he gave you a smile. “I want to get my best friend back but with all the new benefits.” he smirked and ran his hand under the duvet that now barely hid your body inside of it. His hand being wrapped around your neck helped him lean in and not let you move, making you damn sure he’d want to kiss. You guessed you should’ve expected this since he was drunk and probably felt more careless than he usually did. You felt relaxed being this close to him and for a moment the thought that you moved on from Jinyoung and was ready to finally love Johnny made you scared shitless. The moment his lips laid atop of yours you felt his mood change with your every fibre. Johnny moved his body more onto you, pressing you down with his body. Johnny’s tongue slipped into your mouth when you opened it to tell him to take it easy, but the only sound you were able to make sounded more like a moan to him. Your hands held onto his waist, waiting for the moment he let you go, but it didn’t seem like he was done yet. You kissed not more than 5 times throughout the year. The first one was when he began sleeping in the same bed as you. Twice your friends forced you when they couldn’t believe you were an ‘item’, but those were more of an innocent pecks, so you could bare with those. The other two times happened when Johnny was drunk and you couldn’t say no, just like today, but this tonight felt more forceful on his side.

You felt Johnny crawl his palm up your back, getting under the shirt you wore for bed. You shivered in what he thought was pleasure but actually was fear. You feared he’d think you wanted him. His palm traveled down your back, while he was sucking on your tongue, touching the skin of your butt through the material of your sleeping pants. You stiffened and waited what he’ll do, making you move your hands onto his shoulders when his fingers squeezed your butt. Your hands were trying to pull him off in a playful manner, to not disrespect his feelings. He felt you push, separating your mouths. 

“I’m really tired. Let’s not today.” you sighed and tried to move back from him but he held you stronger. 

“Let’s not today and when?” he asked calmly and stared at you. You chuckled and brushed his hair off his forehead. 

“When we’ll both feel like it.” you let go of him. 

“And when will it happen?” he looked at you seriously. 

“Maybe next time you’ll be home not so late.” you gifted him a smile, wishing to end it quickly. 

“Can’t you do once something for me?” he seemed annoyed and you had a feeling you two will fight tonight. 

“I’m… I’m sorry…” you sighed. 

“No, you’re not. You’ve been living here for 10 months, 7 months out of those we were doing this thing where we pretended we’re dating. We promised to stay faithful, I did it. I never slept with anyone, I’m asking not much from you. You slept with 10 random guys a week and now you can’t spare me a fucking evening? I came to you nicely, I didn’t do anything wrong, and you’re just tired. You’re always fucking tired, and I’m tired of you. Tired of doing everything for you and getting nothing in return.” he shouted now and made you feal completely guilty. 

“Johnny, I’m sorry, I…I just…” there were barely any words you had for him. 

“Take your pants off.” 

“What?” you looked at him puzzled. 

“I want you.” 

“Johnny, you’re not like that.” you pressed your hands against his chest to keep distance. 

“Just tell me you fucking want me. Or what? All those evenings you left for a walk you actually left to fuck?”

“Johnny?” you felt tears prickling your eyes. 

“Come on, baby.” he sighed and leaned in to you. “I’m sorry about what I said, I really want you. I love you, I want nobody but you.” 

“You…what?” you grabbed his face lightly to pull him from you. 

“I love you, for real love you, even though you don’t feel the same way now, I’m here to wait for this day to come.” he whispered and leaned in, kissing you once again. Softer, than he ever did. You didn’t protest, allowing him to move his lips onto your jaw and neck, thinking you’d be able to stop him there and just lie down to sleep. You felt his fingers move over to your stomach, caressing it. 

“John…” you took a deep breath. 

“Shhh…” he whispered into your skin, tugging onto the skin of your collarbone with his teeth. His fingers ran up your stomach in circle motions, slowing down right under your chest. You knew if he’d touch you there he’d make everything change. You were hoping he’d change it for the best but deep down you knew  it’ll be the other way round. “Just don’t think about it.” he whispered, moving his head back onto your neck and kissing it slowly, moving his fingers over your left breast, palming it lightly. You held your breath, squeezing your eyes. You tried to count to 100, hoping the time will pass by quickly. You felt him let go and opened your eyes, only to see his focused gaze on your chest, rolling up your shirt. 

“Johnny.” you murmured and tried to distract him from taking your clothes off.

“Mmh?” he looked you in the eyes. He looked sober, he looked soft. There wasn’t any blinding will in his gaze, there wasn’t drunkness that would make him regret what he did tomorrow. His eyes looked at you the way you always looked at Jinyoung, you felt shivers run down your back. 

“Want to go out tomorrow? We can have real fun and then…” you swallowed a lump in your throat. “And then we could have even more fun.” he shook his head disapprovingly, dropping on his side of the bed. 

-

“Come here.” Johnny commanded for you to come closer. 

“What?” you smiled and came to him. 

“Remember what you promised last month?” he sat on the bed and extended his arm to you when you stood in front of him, resting it on your thigh. Your heart fell into your heels, knowing exactly what he meant. “It’s been a month… not a day as you said…” his hand stroked your thigh up and down. 

“I…” you chuckled awkwardly. 

“You what?” he smirked and pulled you closer to stand between his legs. 

“I’m a shy girl I don’t want to insist on something you don’t want.” Johnny laughed out loud. 

“I didn’t know that.” he laughed and pulled you in so you had no option but to press your knee against the mattress. “Top or bottom? You never said before what you like.” he forced you to sit on his lap and you felt scared , trying to not look like you were about to die from fear. 

“It don’t matter as long as it’s good.” you smirked and sat confidently. Suddenly the thought that he’d back off when he’ll see you confident brightened up your brain and you tried to act as if he was a distant stranger. 

“Oh, you don’t have to worry, it will be good.” the smirk you rarely saw brightened up his face and his arms wrapped around your waist, locking your lips together. Your hands wrapped around his neck. This, you could do, this didn’t made you feel as disgusting anymore as it used to. He flipped you on your back and undid the zipper of your jeans way quicker than you could work it out, feeling his fingers caress the skin above your underwear. “When we were 15, I thought that you’re the best girl in the whole wide world. It’s been over 10 years since back then, nothing’s changed. You’re still the only one I care for, still the best girl. No, you’re the best woman.” he stared at you to see your reaction, but you weren’t able to come up with anything else except for pulling him in for a kiss. When his tongue slipped into your mouth, he slid his hand inside of your panties, making you whimper at the unexpected touch. Johnny sighed into your mouth heavily, kissing you again. He slipped his fingers onto your slit, rubbing it in pleasures movements that made your panic attack arise. 

“Johnny?” you broke the kiss, holding his head in your hands. 

“Yeah?” he stared you in the eyes, forcing with his other hand your legs to bend. Johnny leaned more over you, pushing his finger inside of you. You gasped and tensed even more than you did before. “Wow, chill out, it’s just me.” he chuckled and sat back up, caressing your thighs with his fingers to calm you down. 

“I want you.” you whispered. 

“You do?” he asked as if he wasn’t expecting it from you. 

“It’s weird to want you, but I do.” you forced a smile and tried to calm down. The quicker he’ll get inside of you, the quicker it’ll end. The tactic to get it over with quickly looked like the only bearable option. 

“I’m… glad you’re finally saying your true feelings.” he smiled and began moving his finger inside of you at a slow pace. You closed your eyes to not look at him, to think of other things, maybe imagine it’s a dream. The heaviness in your chest was arising and as long as your heart and brain were filled with nothing but panic and fear, you felt how the lower part of your body was getting turned on. You hated the fact this turned you on but on the other hand this was beneficial in many other ways, because you were scared you won’t even be able to get wet for him. “I’ve been wondering for over a decade what would you taste like.” he whispered and slipped his fingers out of you, making you open your eyes. You looked at him, wondering what he’d do next. His fingers pulled material of your jeans down your legs, leaving your underwear on. He raised his eyes to look at you and you gave him a smile that reassured him in whatever. His hands roamed around your body, going up your bare legs, he kissed your hip bone, drawing a trail of kisses with his lips up your stomach. Johnny quickly helped himself with his hands to raise your shirt up, sucking in one of your nipples into his mouth the next second. You hated to hate it, grabbing onto his head harshly, you tried to stop yourself from snapping. You knew your body was taking everything he was giving, but your brain still worked. 

You gave him permission, you said you wanted him, you could’ve just said no. And oh well, you should’ve said no many months ago to just your stupid idea. But Johnny was your partner in life. You knew it, you knew it because you were the one to suggest it. You just needed time to get over Jinyoung, before starting all this. Jinyoung, your thoughts drifted back to him. You haven’t heard of him in almost a year, was he fine? He most definitely was, he’s always fine. Did he at least felt bad at first? Did he feel guilt because of what happened…? Did any of this happen for real? The question you asked yourself everyday but was too weak and scared to find out for real. Drifting from one though to the other in your head, you felt Johnny’s lips on your lower stomach, raising your head to see him. He looked at you, licking his lips before going a tid bit lower. 

“Johnny…?” your brain was working hard to come up with something to say. 

“Hm?” you held his head in your hands lightly, pulling him back next to your face. “I wanted to…” you didn’t let him finish his sentence. 

“I want us to feel good together, just take your pants off and do it.”you whispered into his lips and kissed him yourself. Kissed him voluntarily for the first time in your life and it might’ve felt good if it wasn’t buried in the lies. 

“Okay.” he smirked and pulled back, standing with his knees on the bed. You could hear him undo his zipper. Your eyes ran up to the ceiling, counting the lightbulbs. You never wondered in your life what Johnny’s manhood looked like, you never wanted to know anything about it, not even for whatever fun. Your eyes focused on his face, trying to ignore Johnny’s obvious pumping of his cock. “This is fucking insane.” he whispered excitedly and suddenly you wondered if he was a little tipsy. 

“Yeah.” you nodded and saw him lean in. The moments before made you feel like you died inside. You tried not to blink to seem fine, you had to look him in the eyes because he was staring right back at you. He smiled and lowered his eyes to where you were supposed to meet. Even the thought of Johnny looking at your bare body made sickness go up to your throat. 

He propped himself on the elbows and kissed your lips quickly. His face pressed against your neck and you could feel his fingers on your slit again. The moment every motion from him disappeared your heart stopped beating, making the tears prickle your eyes the second you felt him push past your entrance.