#johnny angst

You know it wasn't entirely his fault, he was a busy guy. If it wasn't basketball, it was school, or the frat. His mornings started off with basketball practice and his nights ended with late studying. If he did have extra time, he was glued to his phone, answering countless messages from his frat brothers as they started planning for the coming school year. There was never a moment of peace, never time to just be together without the worries of other commitments.

Your fingers tightened anxiously around your sheets as you lost yourself in your thoughts. You didn't think you were needy or clingy. You had no issue going a day or two without texts exchanged because you got busy, but these days were made up for with mountains of affection and attention. Now, you were going weeks with crumbs, feeling grateful if he even looked up from his phone to meet your eyes for a second while you tried to make conversation.

You knew relationships couldn't be perfect all the time, but this wasn't even feeling like a relationship anymore. You didn't want to keep feeling like this. You rolled onto your side and stared at Johnny's handsome, sleeping face. If he was too busy, then you'd have to step up,  step out of your comfort zone and channel your inner Johnny to save your relationship. You so badly want to save your relationship.

You started a few days later, making your way to the gym right as practice was let out. You'd listened to him complaining about his morning practice being too close to his 9 am lecture too many times for you to forget it. Just like you expected, there he was with his hair wet from a shower, backpack slung over one shoulder and gym bag over the other as he hustled with his head hung low to stare at his phone. Your breath caught it your throat just like it always did when you saw him.

You rushed to catch up to him, legs pumping quickly to catch up to his long stride, "hi, Love! I brought you coffee!"

Johnny freezes, looking up from his phone, though his fingers don't stop typing, "Bee, what are you— don't you have a class right now?"

"Class was cancelled so I decided to surprise you! Coffee and a pastry," you reply with a soft shrug, extending the cup and parchment paper bag in his direction.

He holds up a finger as if to say 'just a second' before he lifts his phone to his ear, "bro, you need to listen to me. You need to get your ass to the bank to get this issue cleared up. The fundraiser is in two weeks and our account is frozen because you forgot the fucking PIN. This is literally part of your job as treasurer!"

Your eyes widen as your boyfriend borderline yells into his phone. You've never seen him this upset, this stressed, or angry.

"No, this can't wait until tomorrow! We're already behind in planning for our booth—" Johnny stresses before stopping. His face falls, "what the hell do you mean the freezer broke? We have food in there for the booth! Jesus— fine, I'm on my way back to the house."

He hangs up, dragging his hand down his face with an exhale you assume is to calm himself down, "Bee, I have to go. I'll see you later, alright?"

He leaves you with a press of his lips on your temple, not even taking the coffee you'd bought for him as he practically runs away with a stressed hiss of, "I have class in 20, shit!"

You stand outside the gym, feeling a knot form in your throat at his casual dismissal as your arms fall to your sides. You shake your head, blinking away the stinging sensation in your eyes as you try to make sense of what just happened.

It was a poor coincidence. He had bigger issues to handle than sitting for coffee with you. A broken freezer sounded serious, so of course he had to handle that.

You closed your eyes and let out a long sigh, much like Johnny had. You just had to try again, stay hopeful and optimistic that next time, things would go your way.

A few days later, after a full day of studying for midterms, you decide you need a break. You scroll through your phone, mindlessly tapping through your go-to apps until you ultimately end up on your messages with your boyfriend. The messages that show the last three messages sent from you with no response and the last message from him from five days ago. Biting your bottom lip, you swipe into his location and find him at the frat house.

It's not too late and you know Johnny's schedule. Today, there's no practice, no labs, no classes to steal his attention. You remember clicking through Instagram stories and seeing that the guys didn't seem too busy. A spontaneous visit to the frat house had never been an issue before, so surely it wouldn't be today.

You start making your way over to the frat house before you can change your mind. The air is warm, sun setting in pink and golden hues which makes you feel a little hopeful that your efforts tonight won't be in vain.

You let yourself in, greeting the guys with a smile and a wave as you make your way up the stairs and down the hall to your boyfriend's room. You knock, receiving a grunt which you take as an invitation to enter.

"Hey, Love," you greet softly as you close they door behind you.

Johnny looks up from his textbook with his brows raised, "hey Bee, did I forget you were coming over?"

You crawl your way into his side and press a kiss to his cheek, "I finished studying for the evening and needed a break. I felt like seeing you."

He hums in agreement, "I get it, I've been studying for a few hours myself. I have a midterm tomorrow afternoon and I'm still rereading material from week two."

"You'll ace it, you always do, Love," you reply softly, kissing your way up his neck.

Your heart races in your chest, a mix of anxiety and optimism. You're not usually one to initiate any affection beyond a swift peck or hand holding. You love Johnny, more than anything, but you don't have the charisma he does. He's never turned you down before but you just feel shy trying to do something that makes you feel so out of character. He encourages your spontaneity and tells you that he loves when you surprise him with affection, but you can't help the way your heart kicks up with anxiety.

There's a flicker of excitement that ignites in your veins as a familiar sigh of relief is heard from Johnny. It makes all the anxiety melt away and allows a familiar warmth to spread throughout your body. He tilts his neck, giving you more access to his skin, even as his eyes are still glued to his textbook.

You take this as an opportunity to initiate more, he doesn't seem to find you too bothersome as your lips find his own. He sets his textbook aside, hands finding your waist as he pulls you onto his lap. His lips are slight chapped, though just as sweet as you remember as his tongue swipes against your lips to seek entrance.

You moan softly, allowing his tongue to prod into your mouth, licking against your own. His fingers tighten on your hips as your fingers tangle in his hair and tug. He groans against your mouth, lips hungry against your own. He couldn't possibly know how reassuring this is for you. He still wants you and you take full advantage of it. You kiss him hungrily, greedy to make up for all the time you've spent apart from each other.

He flips you onto your back and you whine, breaking the kiss with a hiss as your rub your back, "your book is hard." You push the book aside and cup your hand at the nape of his neck, arching up to kiss him again.

Johnny starts to apologize and blinks, a sudden clarity in his gaze, "My book… I was studying. I have to study right now. I just… I don't have time for this right now." He runs a hand through his hair as crawls off of you, "get home safe, okay? I'll call you."

He grabs his book and makes his way to his desk without a second glance in your direction where you still lay on his bed with glossy, swollen lips and out of breath. Your heart falls right into your stomach. You feel like an old toy cast aside and forgotten. You clear your throat, forcing down the thickness in your throat as you stand and straighten out your clothes, "alright… good luck on your test."

"Thanks," he mumbles, scribbling down some notes as you let yourself out of his room.

You find yourself lost in your head as you leave the house, your mind a whirlwind of anxious thoughts fighting to take root. You force those thoughts away and instead force yourself to look on the more reasonable side of things. He's just busy, he's just studying, and the frat just gets more of his attention because of the fundraiser coming up this weekend. You breathe out and wipe away a stray tear as you remind yourself that he loves you and he still wants to be with you.

Your last attempt comes after his first play-off game. The gym is filled with an electricity of excitement. The stands are filled with fans, all on the edge of their seats to see if the team will be able to secure a win. The team is just two points down, having played hard for four whole quarters, each player tired and nearly worn to the bone. There's a hunger to win, a need to prove that all the hours of extra practice weren't for nothing.

Johnny charges across the court with the ball in his possession, expertly evading the opposing players. His hands arc up at the curve of the three point line as the seconds dwindle down. The stadium goes silent, everyone holding their breath as the ball floats through the air, hits the hoop, and circles the rim, once, then twice. On it's third rotation the ball slips into the net with a satisfying swish just as time runs out, sending one half of the stadium into an excited frenzy.

Fans flood the court as the team cheers and celebrates making it to the next round of play-offs. You smile at the sight of Johnny cheering with his teammates. He's worked so hard to perfect his game, putting in so much effort at practice, the team deserves this win.

And as much as you'd love to stay an celebrate, you have a surprise for Johnny. A well-earned treat for all his hard work and playing a perfect game. He'd already told you that he was going to spend the night with you whether he won or lost, so you know your last ditch effort to save your dying relationship can still go according to plan.

As soon as you get back home, you're quick to style your hair, turn on the lamps in your room, and light every candle. Tonight has to be perfect. If it's not, you'll know what you've been dreading all along— that Johnny doesn't want you anymore.

You stare at your reflection in the mirror nervous and critical. You don't look like yourself, but you suppose that's the point. The silk camisole that covers your top half feels revealing even with most of your skin covered. The thin material does little to make you feel comfortable or confident like you'd hoped it would. You turn, letting out a judgemental hum at the sight of the tiny lace-trimmed shorts that barely cover your ass. The gloss thickly layered on your lips, shines in the low, warm light if your bedroom before you crouch down and grip at the roots of your hair with a groan of frustration, "what am I even doing?!"

You don't look like yourself, hell, you don't even feel like yourself. You don't wear lingerie! You've never felt the need and Johnny has never made you feel anything less than desirable even in your usual cotton under garments or pajamas.

Is this who you are now, a girl who uses sex to win back the affections of her boyfriend who has clearly lost interest? And it's not like you're against sex either, to each their own, everyone's bedroom life is their own business, but you never thought this would be you. You guess love makes you do crazy things and if this is what you have to do to keep Johnny, then so be it. You love him.

You hear the front door open and sprint over to your bed, situating yourself on your covers with your legs extended as you arch your back and tilt your neck in a manner you hope is sexy.

Johnny enters with a tired yawn, tossing his bags aside as he begins recounting how his coach made them all stay back to review footage that was shaky and unfocused. He'll have a team meeting in the morning to review better footage, early as usual. You hum along, barely hearing him over the pounding of your own heart in your ears as he undresses himself down to his boxers.

He hasn't even looked at you, hasn't noted the sweet scent of your special occasion perfume, or the candles that create sensual lighting in your room. He plops onto your bed with another yawn, tossing the covers open as he lays down. He finally looks at you, eyelids low and eyes red, "I'm pooped. G'night, Bee."

You blink, watching as your boyfriend succumbs to his slumber, falling asleep faster than you've ever seen before. He didn't even notice everything you did— scratch that, he didn't even notice a single thing you did. Your pajamas hardly drew his attention, hell, they didn't even make him blink.

This was the end. You've tried everything you could possibly think of and nothing worked. It's done and he doesn't even have to tell you because he's shown you. He's been showing you for weeks and you've just been too stubborn and stupid to accept the reality of the situation.

You slide off your bed and blow out each candle, turning off all the lamps, and slip into the bathroom to wipe away all your makeup before you let yourself break down. You hold your head in your hands, feeling beyond stupid for trying as hard as you did. You've made a total fool of yourself time and time again, making an effort when he didn't reciprocate even once in the last few months of your relationship.

You change out of your silk pajamas and angrily throw them in the depths of you closet in favor of your usual t-shirt and shorts. You hope you never have to see those pajamas again or relive any of the humiliation that came along with wearing them. Johnny sleeps soundly, none the wiser as you take you pillow and pad out of your room in favor of sleeping on your couch.

You cry yourself to sleep that night, tears soaking into your pillow as you experience your first heartbreak. You don't think love is even worth it if this is what the pain of losing it feels like.

You decide that you'll just slip out of his life quietly. You won't make a scene, you won't make a fuss. You don't make it anyone else's problem but your own because well, hasn't everything regarding this relationship for the last— who knows how long— been your problem anyway? You'll just take yourself off his plate so he has one less responsibility to deal with. He can go back to school, the frat, and basketball without having to juggle you too. He did it to you, so you'll just do it to him. Seems fair enough, albeit a little petty. Isn't all fair with a broken heart?

You spend weeks slipping and dodging potential meetings. You leave the library later, linger in your classes a little longer and even take the long way home. You know he won't be looking for you. He hadn't made time for you in over a month and you don't imagine he will now.

You don't answer his texts, which you figure is fine. He's not texting you about anything dire anyway. They're lighthearted texts that he's probably sending his brothers too.  It's easy to forgo your usual routine of good morning texts and updates when you merely take a scroll and see all the texts you've sent that have already gone ignored by Johnny. A few had received a heart or even a thumbs up but very rarely is there an actual response. The responses are nothing more than a "I'll be by around 8" or a "sounds good." It may be seen as self-torture to constantly read and reread your text thread, but you need the reminder so you don't fall into old habits.

You purposely skip the frat fundraiser. You know it's a big thing, Johnny had told you and you'd assumed as much. Every time you went by the house in the last few months, it was all any of the guys could talk about. It was a whole Greek life fundraiser weekend where every house had some sort of booth to bring in extra funds for potential pledges and their families. Nu Chi Tau would be barbecuing, some of the sororities were doing custom key chains or sweaters, other fraternities were having games. It was something that had sounded fun at first, spending time with your boyfriend and all his friends— your friends with good food and good times. This was probably the easiest to waive. You weren't a big fan of crowded areas or loud volume, mostly you put up with it for Johnny. Not anymore.

You decide not to go to his basketball games either. You're not his girlfriend anymore and you were never a fan of basketball before him so it's not out of the ordinary. You were never particularly fond of the whole ordeal anyway. Just like the frat events, it was always loud, expensive, crowded, and confusing. You get updates from people gossiping around campus. You know that the team has been doing well because you hear people watching the highlights or discussing big moments. You always know when there's a game on campus too. The campus is more quiet than usual as you leave the library but you can always hear the distant cheers from the gym. A part of you wishes this was totally avoidable, but basketball, Johnny in general, will never be. Johnny is an enigma and whether you like it or not, he can't be forgotten.

You'd like to say you're happy that the break up is going so smoothly. You slip out of Johnny's life with an ease you'd never imagined. Somehow that makes it hurt more than you anticipated. It feels like you've cried yourself to sleep every night and his life hasn't seemed to change in the slightest.

So much so that it takes a loss in the quarter finals, the end of midterms, and a total of 16 days for you to even see Johnny in person again. Not that you had planned it. He pops in at the end of one of your tutoring sessions with a huge smile and a bouquet, "flowers for my honeybee!"

You force your eyes away from him as you clean up your stuff, "no, thank you."

The person you were tutoring lets out a peep at the tense atmosphere and scurries out of the study room quickly. Johnny's smile falters at your reaction, but he continues, joking in the hopes of lifting the mood, "did you develop some kind of allergy?"

You sling your bag over your shoulder and shrug, "I don't think it's appropriate between us anymore."

Johnny watches as you make your way to the elevator with his face drawn in broken confusion. Not appropriate? What do you even mean by that? In what way would it be inappropriate for a boyfriend to bring his girlfriend flowers? It's not like it would be the first time he brought you flowers anyway.

By the tine his brain flicks back on, the elevator doors have already closed. He's running down the stairs to catch up with you just as you push through the doors of the library. "Honey, wait! Can we talk?" He asks breathlessly, legs burning from his sprint down far too many flights of stairs and across the first floor.

You keep walking, barely turning your head as you reply, "I don't think it's appropriate for you to call me that anymore either. Please, just keep this like we've been doing so it stays easy. On the both of us."

"Can you stop walk-" Johnny begs, finding that you're walking faster than he's ever seen before, "make what easy?"

You stop, turning in your heel which makes Johnny stumble in his stride to keep up with you. Your voice is steady even as heartbreak begs to make itself known, "this, John. Our breakup. We're done and you made that crystal clear, now leave me to heal."

Johnny feels his heart plummet right to his ass as your words register in his brain, "b-break up? No! No, we didn't!"

Your eyes instinctively flit to the people who are nearby, watching campus heart-throb, Johnny Suh, chase after the shy, history nerd. God— it makes you want the ground to open up and swallow you whole! Why is he drawing so much attention to you?! Now, he wants to give you the time of day?! "Stop chasing me!" You hiss, keeping your head down as you try to get away from everyone's judgment stares.

"We have to talk about this!" Johnny cries out, using his height advantage to stop in front of you, stopping you in your tracks.

His heart breaks at the sight of the tears lining your eyes, "You don't have the time to talk and I don't even want to! I can't do this! I don't want to do this right now and now you're making everyone look at me. Just… leave me alone and stop acting like you suddenly care again."

The back of your hand wipes away a tear as you continue walking, leaving Johnny standing in the middle of campus with a broken heart and a bitter taste creeping up his throat. The plastic of the bouquet he's still clutching crinkles as his grip tightens and he clears his throat. He smiles sadly at somebody walking past him before forcing his feet to move.

As much as he wants to chase after you, he knows you need space. As much as every step away from you physically pains him, he doesn't want to be the guy who forces you to listen to him make himself sound better. He needs to show you he's better not just tell you he is.

He pushes the door to the frat house open, barely looking up from his feet on his way up the stairs. Mark pushes his door open at the same time Johnny comes to the top of the stairs looking downtrodden and frankly… broken. Mark looks at the flowers and asks with no ill intention, "hey bro, was Bee not working? She sick?"

Johnny stares distantly at the floor beneath him, "she was there but… we— we're not together?"

Mark's eyes widen in shock, "since when?!"

"I don't even know," Johnny replies with a weak shrug, trying not to break down into a sad puddle of tears and flowers.

Mark nods slowly, not sure how to react, "I guess that would explain why she stopped coming around."

Johnny's heart breaks clean in half as his head snaps up, tears in his eyes, "she did?"

"Bro, we haven't seen her around here or anywhere for over a month," Mark adds, suddenly feeling protective of you because your own boyfriend hadn't even paid attention your absence, "you didn't notice?"

Johnny feels his heartbeat start to speed up and his palms start to sweat, "I-I— no. I was so busy with play-offs, practice, midterms, and the frat. God, I'm such a piece of shit!"

Mark grimaces, not sure if he should stay here and handle Johnny's break down or if he should be heading to class. You don't give him much of a chance, not as you come stomping up the stairs with fire burning fiercely in your eyes and more amped up than Mark has ever seen you.

You'd made it half way home when the sadness turned into anger. Who did Johnny even think he was to just waltz up to you and act like everything was normal? To force you to listen to you bed? Before you even had a chance to fully process your burst of emotion, you found yourself barging into the frat house in the hopes of getting all your emotions off your chest.

You falter at the sight of Johnny at the top of the stairs, but you swallow back your hesitance, "I need to talk and I need you to listen."

Johnny nearly chokes as he hears you, but he's quick to open the door to his bedroom and let you enter. You bite your lip as you begin to pace and convince yourself not to give up. You've already made it here, you owe it to yourself to speak your mind, don't you?

The door shuts behind you both and you begin speaking before you even turn around, not giving yourself a second to fall for his stupid handsome face and sad eyes, "in the course of the last two months of our relationship I have felt the most undesirable and stupid that I have ever felt in my entire life. While I understand that you had priorities, the very least you could do was communicate that with me. Do I understand that your commitments will sometimes come before me? Of course, I do, but you didn't even say that. You used me when it was convenient for you and didn't care in the slightest about how your actions or rather, lack of actions, affected me."

"The boyfriend I had in the last month or so of our relationship was a guy I didn't recognize in the slightest. You didn't act like a boyfriend and you didn't even act like my friend! I tried to kiss you, I tried to ease your stress, I tried to do nice things for you and even went out of my comfort zone to seduce you a-a-and you made me feel like some kind of animal with fleas! I could hardly get you to even look at me or text me back and when we spent more than even 15 minutes together it was because you were using me for my bed! I'm not a hotel! I was your girlfriend!" You snap, finding your groove as you let out everything you've been holding in for weeks.

"If that was the real you then I don't want him! If the real version of you is the version who makes no time at all for a relationship that you initiated then we're done! I can't keep chasing you and putting my time and effort into a relationship where I'm made to look like a total fool time and time again. And for what? You made it quite clear that you don't want me so I acted on that."

"I want to be your boyfriend!" Johnny speaks up, voice thick with emotion as he processes all your words and just how horrible he made you feel.

You scoff and laugh bitterly, "you hardly noticed the distance between us. How long did it even take you to notice my absence, John?"

He blinks. It had taken him a long time, too long. "I know it took me a while but that doesn't mean that I don't love you. That I won't fight for our relationship and for you. You mean everything to me and I… can't lose you."

"Your words and your actions are completely contradictory. You can't ignore me and pop back into my life at your convenience. A relationship is a two way street wherein both parties make an effort, not just one of them. That's not fair at all and I'm not going to put my life on hold for my boyfriend to decide when he's ready to bless me with his attention. You may have been my first relationship, but I know that I'm not supposed to be helplessly waiting around to wait for your attention. I deserve more and I owe myself more than that."

"Honey, you deserve the world," Johnny's voice cracks as he steps closer to you, a sob choking him as he steps toward you, "I was horrible and I know that, but I'm not ready to give you up. I'm going to be better, I'm going to make time for you. I'll quit basketball and I'll leave the frat and drop some of my classes. Honey— I love you. I love you more than I've loved anyone and I would go to the ends of the earth to make you happy. I know I haven't shown you that and that I've been the worst boyfriend in the history of boyfriends, but you know that's not me."

"You can't do that," you argue with pinched brows, "if you leave the frat then you'll have no place to live. If you quit basketball then you'll lose your scholarship. You're thinking irrationally, John. People break up all the time. You love, you learn and you move on. It's time for us to move on. I want to move on and I need you to let me do that."

"You're not people to me! I love you! I would leave everything for you and do anything for you," Johnny exclaims, cupping your face as your bottom lip begins to tremble.

You let out a shuddered exhale, "you didn't make me feel that way."

He swipes one of your tears away with his thumb, disregarding his own tears streaming down his cheeks, "I was awful, Honey, I know that. I got so hung up on everything that was happening, my head was a mess and my time management was even worse. Please trust and believe me when I tell you that I won't do the same thing again. I know I hurt you and I will never do that again. I promise on my mother's life."

You let out a thick laugh, "you can't swear on her life."

"I already did, Honey. I can't tell you how much more I mean it, but I can show you. Will you let me?"

"I don't want my heart to get broken again. If you're gonna break my heart or just forget about me again. I can't do that again."

He presses his lips to your forehead, feeling his heart skip a beat as you melt into his chest. You fit perfectly against him like you're meant to be there and his heart aches all over again for the fact that he even for a second let you believe he didn't want you. It hurts his heart even more that you were just going to let him walk out of your life like you meant nothing to him, but that's for him to work out. He rubs your cheek with his thumb, his gaze warm and loving, "it will never happen again. I swear on everything in the entire universe that holds any meaning to anyone."

"One more chance, Johnny," you whisper.

"It's the last and only chance I'll ever ask of you, Honeybee," he smiles, feeling a huge weight lifted off his shoulders. He hadn't even realized how hard it had been to breathe without you. In neglecting your relationship, he'd also been neglecting himself. These past few weeks had put him though the wringer.

He wraps his arms around your shoulders to bring you in for an embrace. He lets out a shuddering breath, a weight off his chest, even though the guilt of what he'd done to you sits heavy in his heart. He knows he can fix this, he doesn't have another choice, because just a few minutes of knowing he lost you felt like his heart had been ripped right out of his chest. He would never let that happen again, ever.

He sniffles, a gentle hand running over your back in small circles, "I love you, Honey. I love you so much it's overwhelming sometimes, and I hate that I ever made you doubt that. I'm going to spend every day of the rest of my life making this up to you."

You sigh, nuzzling into his chest, "it won't take the rest of your life, John. Just remind me how much you love me, show me how much you mean what you said."

johnny:

• when he watches the documentary back he can’t help but cry at your episode, you talk so freely about your struggles you’ve faced since becoming an idol, and before. you talk about your bad relationship with both your parents, emotionally neglected and pressured to financially support your family with very little in return.

• you talk about how nct and 127 are the first and only real family you have known, and state that you feel guilty being so dependant on them and that you promised to grow up well and that you were only able to do that with their help.

• you tell the camera about the stigma of being the only girl in a boy group, there is not a lot of co-ed groups, especially not at the time of the documentary, you go into detail about how nct’s concept is already unconventional as a kpop group, but debuting with only one girl was tough, navigating puberty alone, with the pressure of the media and netizens

• you also talk about how the members have each saved you from quitting before, saying that your life and careers is always in debt to them, but specifically johnny and doyoung, both of them extremely emotionally intelligent and providing the emotional comfort and support you lacked in childhood, that their advice is what made you stay and decide to go all in.

• when he sees you after it airs, he’s bringing you into a long deep hug, kissing your head and face, telling you how proud he is of you, tells you that you are the most special girl in the world, couldn’t imagine his life without you. you know it’s true cause during his episode he went into great detail about how important you are not just to their lives as people but you are an integral part of what makes nct.

taeyong:

• although he’s in a relationship with you now, he still remembers how maternal he was towards you when you first debuted, so young and naive, a little broken, just wanting to succeed, wanting your family’s approval more than anything. he leads you really well, being a great mentor, and helping you with everything you need as you guide yourself through aging and puberty.

• you talk about how as you got older and your relationship with your parents got more and more fractured, you were determined to prove them wrong

• in his episode he talks about when he sees something shift in you after cutting ties with your family, a fire lights inside you, doing this solely for yourself and no one else and you are working 10 times harder, and it brought in a lot of new fans. he says that nct couldn’t be a group without you.

• the older you get the more you depend on them, being an idol means very little space or time to date, they all know you have needs and they do too, and then you all come to this arrangement all of them providing you with everything you need, in and out of the bedroom.

• taeyong loves you and promises to always protect you, he knows you call johnny and jaehyun daddy, a kink you all mutually share, but with him it’s not something you usually do, but when you’re really fucked out and in subspace, tears flowing and he’s taking care of you so good you’ll sometimes slip up and call taeyong daddy, he doesn’t bring it up, doesn’t tell you not to, he knows you have daddy issues and he doesn’t want to press too much when his dick is inside you.

• when you calm down and are shyly apologising for using that name he tells you it’s okay, tells you you can call him whatever you need whenever you need.

yuta:

• he knew about your relationship with your parents, has witnessed it first hand, but after the documentary airs oh he is their number one haters. in the ep there is a recording of a phone call you had had with your parents after your first ever win back in 2016, telling them how excited you were and hope they were happy, and as your mum speaks he can see your face drop like it did when it first happened. “that’s good, not like you cured cancer or anything though”

• yuta has always been one of your biggest supporters, in public and in private, whenever you guys are filming a mv reaction video, he’s always cooing and praising you whenever you’re on screen.

• yuta always gives you the validation you lacked as a child, anything you accomplish he is boasting about it. you didn’t finish school, never having graduated, so whenever you get a big opportunity to do something career wise, whether it be a solo or an mc gig he is always showing up or posting about it and telling fans to anticipate your promotions.

• during his episode he talks about how frequently everyone’s parents would show up to performances on tour, but your parents have never showed face, even before you had cut them off. he talks about how he saw how small and sad you looked while greeting everyone else’s family, just wishing yours cared enough to show up.

• is extremely proud of you when you finally cut them off, he felt so sad for you, 19 years old, and after a lifetime of neglect and abandonment you had finally snapped and cut all ties and went no contact, no longer sending them money. in his episode he talks about how hard it was for you, but states that he will always admire your bravery and resilience. tells the camera that he thinks you are a lot stronger than the men on your team, that none of them would be able to do this without all the support that they’ve got back home, knowing there’s families waiting for them, so doing this single handedly is something only you could conquer.

doyoung:

• his heart swells with pride as you talk about him on your episode. detailing all the times he was a key factor to you staying. he knew you loved and appreciated him, but in this setting you were able to say things that you wouldn’t be able to say to his face without breaking down in tears.

• so glad he can be such a support for you. he wants you to be unlimited in everything you want to do so is constantly encouraging you. but he also is a voice of reason, if he thinks you’re biting off more than you can chew he’s talking to you seriously and with a very level head, you’re young and have all this ambition and drive, but idol burn out is very real and very scary. he makes you see some sense and you agree to plan more instead of jumping in head first to too many projects.

• in his episode he reveals that you are also a huge part of his continued involvement, saying there was times when he wanted to quit, but you were always there to take some of the weight, carrying so much on your shoulders to ensure everyone is able to carry on. he is another one who sings your praises to the camera, saying how talented you are and you bring so much to 127.

• he talks about all the fun he has with you despite you sometimes driving him crazy with all your antics and pranks on him.

• when he’s having sex with you he’s always so sweet and soft with you, maybe not when you’ve been acting up and giving him all kinds of attitude, but for the most part he is showering you in affection and attention. he needs you to always know how much he loves and appreciates you, a huge part of his life that he couldn’t live without.

jaehyun:

• in his episode he’s talking about how much fun he has with you and how their lucky that they have you in their group. goes on and on about how funny you are and that you really are the biggest mood maker

• tells the camera that doing this job and working so tirelessly every day would be a lot harder if you weren’t there, keeping everyone in good spirits.

• when he watches your ep, you are also talking about how you manage to pull through all the stress and long nights and back to back tours, and you say it’s all down to your members, that you are a jokester and they all receive your jokes and pranks well, all your teasing and play fighting lifts the mood whenever you’re travelling for hours and hours. you say that jaehyun is your favourite to have fun with, both of you having similar humours.

• the screen plays a video that no one has seen before, just you and the members, in a hotel room laying on the bed is you jaehyun and doyoung, doyoung in his pjs with a sleep mask on his forehead and he’s on his phone obviously trying to ignore you both, you and jaehyun are whispering and laughing to each other and while recording yourselves. you suddenly move and pull doyoungs sleep mask from his forehead, pulling it back and and letting go, both you and jaehyun laughing as it slaps over his eyes. it’s clear it’s not the first time you’ve annoyed him like this as he throws his phone down and pulls you into a fake headlock, you and jaehyun both tearing up laughing as the older man gets annoyed. the video stops and you talk about how you always share great memories with the members like that

• jaehyun is laughing as he watches, remembering the hour long prank session where both of you were trying everything you could to annoy doyoung. he texts you asking if you still have the video and you send him it so he can keep.

jungwoo:

• he mentions on his episode that despite being older, he had debuted two years after you and you always showed him so much love and support, he thanks you for always being so kind to him when he first started.

• he also talks about how your energy and playfulness is what really brought him out his shell and made him the mood maker he is today.

• when he watches your episode he listens to you talk and watches you cry as you admit you don’t feel as strong or confident as you look, you are always reminding yourself that you are at a disadvantage, being so young and also being the only girl. you feel like no one in the industry takes you seriously, still sees you as the 15 year old who debuted.

• his heart breaks and he tells you that’s not true. that so many idols look to you when they need inspiration, or motivation. and he’s right, many of the new gen idols are constantly praising you and calling you their favourite idol or bias, even some of your own peers commenting on you publicly stating how incredible you are at what you do.

• jungwoo loves you so much and he tells the camera that you are the centre peice of the team, and he truly means it. when you watch it you’re getting emotional, all of you admitting feelings you’re all too shy to admit face to face.

• he takes your health very seriously and is always telling you to look after yourself and to stop worrying about himself and the members so much and to focus on yourself first before anyone else.

• fans have always loved your dynamic and after the documentary there are edits of you both flooding the fyp.

haechan:

• he has always made sure include you in his plans with his family, his parents are coming to visit? he’s bringing you to dinner with them, he’s going home for a few days? he’s inviting you along. you are really close with haechans family and you bring them up in your episode, expressing how grateful you are for always extending their support and love for you as well as their own son.

• haechan talks about his mum on his episode and thanks her for everything she sacrificed for him to do this, and for always accepting you as her own. he says that without his mum not only would he not be able to do this, but you wouldn’t either and you agree.

• during mother’s day or father’s day you always make sure to greet all the members parents on their day, celebrating them and thanking them for their support, but haechan can see that you still long for your own parents, wanting to reach out and have them accept you for the first time, but you never do and he commends you on your disciplined no contact.

• after the episodes air again fans are all over tiktok and twitter, recounting old memories of you and haechan travelling to his home together, or when you call his mum to celebrate any of your success, hearing her sound genuinely thrilled for you.

• he loves spending time with you weather that’s under the sheets or just on the couch drinking in your presence. he loves having you near him and you are one of his anchors

ot7:

• when the documentary is out and everyone has watched in private, everyone meets up and you talk about what was discussed through some laughs and tears.

• during sex you have called all of them daddy at least one time, always cringing and apologising whenever you calm down and are redressed, the only ones who you really have established that with long term being johnny and jaehyun, who already had a daddy kink whether you had daddy issues or not.

• all of them tell you to not be embarrassed, they don’t mind or care what you call them when you’re in that headspace.

• you tell them you’re embarrassed by the way your eyes fill with tears whenever they praise you or tell you they’re proud of you in or out the bedroom, finally getting the validation you have been chasing for a lifetime, and when they’re being so gentle and caring with you in bed, the name just slips out.

• of them all extremely understanding and none of them have or will ever judge you for it.

Today when Johnny woke up with you in his arms, he didn't expect that it was gonna be the worst day of his life. How could he expect it when right now his life was perfect? There were no villains around recently. He had the girl of his dreams as his girlfriend for two whole years. You were his girlfriend for two whole years. He couldn’t be happier. Especially now, that villains didn't appear so often, you two had more time for each other. He could spend more time with you.

"Good morning, baby" he murmured, his voice rough with sleep as you stirred in his arms. And that voice made you shiver. You loved his morning voice.

"Morning" you mumbled and wrapped your arms tighter around him.

"How did you sleep?" he asked. He always asked, even if he knew that your answer will be the same every single morning. He still asked.

"Good. You know, I always sleep good with you" you said.

"Yeah. I know. But I like asking it. Your answer can change any day. I have to make sure" he said and you hummed. He was right after all.

"How did you sleep?" you asked.

"Good" he answered shortly.

The rest of the morning, you two were just laying in bed until Sue came into Johnny's room. She said that there was a new potential villain nearby and you have to go before there'll be too many victims. After she finished talking, she immediately left. You both groaned before you got out of the bed and put on your suits. Then you met with the others in the hallway and went to catch the villain.

The fight took longer than you all expected. Especially since the villain wasn’t alone. He had his own team. And they were strong. Stronger than you expected. It wasn't a fair fight. Especially when in the middle of the battle they got more help.

"We don’t have good chances" Reed said.

"We have to try. We can't just give up" Johnny said before you all went back to fight.

The next hours were a blur. Until you get shot by one of the enemies. At first, you didn't even feel it because of the adrenalin. You only started feeling dizzy after you guys finally won.

Black little dots appeared in front of your eyes as you made your way towards the others. But you didn't get too far. You had to stop and grab onto a nearby wall because you felt like your legs were going to give up. You took a deep breath as you tried to fight against the unconsciousness, but then you felt a sharp pain at your side. So, you immediately pressed your hand against it, but it just hurt more as you put pressure on it.

You slowly pulled your hand away from your side and looked at your hand which was covered in blood now. Then your eyes darted from hand to your side where you felt the unbearable pain. All you see was blood. A lot of blood. Your white and blue suit were soaked with your blood.

"Ohh... fuck" you cursed under your breath and pressed your hand against the wound once again to try to stop the bleeding.

It wasn't really helping so you started walking again towards the others. But every step felt harder and harder, and your vision got more blurry.

"Johnny..." you said his name before your legs gave out and you fell to the ground.

Your voice was so weak that Johnny barely heard it. But he did. And he immediately looked around, his eyes searching for you. But when he saw you fall to the ground panic washed over him. He immediately hurried to your side and dropped to his knees beside you. His worry only heightened when he saw that your eyes were closed. His eyes roamed over you then stopped at your side where the wound was. He gently pulled your hand away and he didn’t like what he saw. There was too much blood there. He didn't even remember as he called for Sue. Or when he gathered you into his arms and pressed a hand to your side. A little attempt to stop the bleeding.

"Baby... baby, I'm here. You'll be okay. I promise. Just... Just hang on" he said and his voice cracked.

"Johnny?" you asked and slowly opened your eyes.

"Yes. Yes, I'm here. I'm here. Just keep your eyes open. Okay? We'll get you back and... and Reed will help. And you'll be okay" he said but his voice was weak.

"No. I know I won’t make it" you whispered.

"Don't say that. Please don't say that baby" he pleaded.

"Johnny... we both know I won’t make it" you said, your voice weak. Your body slowly giving up against the unconsciousness.

"No. Keep your eyes open. Please, baby. Please. Please hold on. I can't lose you. I need you" he whispered and held you tighter to his body.

"I love you" you whispered to him before your eyes closed.

The tears slowly rolled down his cheeks as he saw that you closed your eyes. He called your name several times, but he didn't get any answer from you. Sue and Ben tried to pull him away from you, but he refused to let you go. He just held your limp body tight to his chest as he let the tears flow down his cheeks.

You, on the other hand, had known Johnny for years—and knew better.

You’d watched him from the sidelines as he built up that fantasy.

You’d smiled patiently through dozens of late-night rants about how “Yoona isn’t like other influencers”, or “she actually gets my humor”—even when you knew she absolutely didn’t.

You were the quiet one, the one who brought stray cats into his clinic, who knew how to laugh at his darkest jokes, who understood his sarcasm quickly.

You’d been in love with him for so long, it hurt.

Then came the moment everything changed.

“What if we pretend to date? Just for a bit.”

You stared at him across the clinic lobby in shock.

“Pretend to what?”

“Come on,” he said, trying to make it sound casual.

“You and me, fake couple. Just for a bit. Yoona’s been kind of… flirty but not serious, and I think she just needs a little push. I heard she’s only interested in guys who are already taken. So…”

Johnny looked so determined, and you wanted to hate him for it. But you couldn’t.

You’d seen Yoona before—tall, effortlessly beautiful, a fashion model with thousands of followers and a condescending smirk she reserved for anyone outside her circle.

You’d heard him replay that party a hundred times. How she’d touched his arm playfully, how she’d laughed, how she’d looked like she saw something in him. You wanted to believe she didn’t. But Johnny did. And it hurt to watch.

You tried not to show it, but the crack in your voice betrayed you.

“Y-yeah, sure. I guess…”

Why? Because you were a sucker for him. Because you were tired of just watching. Because even if it was fake, you wanted to know what it felt like to be Johnny’s girlfriend.

Even for just a little while.

For a few weeks, it was crazy.

Handholding. Inside jokes. You giggled when he whispered “babe” in that fake-serious voice. You even let him put his arm around you in public, like it was the most normal thing in the world.

But Johnny’s friends knew something was up.

They’d known you and Johnny for years—witnessed the harmony, the unspoken bond, how you just made sense together.

“So, when are you two actually going to date for real?” Taeyong asked one night as you joined them for late dinner.

You blinked. “Oh, we’re not—”

“You should,” Jungwoo interrupted, wagging his chopsticks at you.

“She laughs at your jokes. No one else does that, hyung. She’s obviously a keeper.”

“Hey—!”

“Also,” Doyoung chimed in, sipping his beer, “can we talk about that model chick for a second?”

Johnny narrowed his eyes. “What about her?”

“She’s got major fake energy,” Doyoung said bluntly. “She talks to people like they’re accessories.”

“Dude,” Yuta said flatly, watching you and Johnny share a drink at their regular hangout. “Doyoung’s right. I don’t like that fake-ass model girl.”

Johnny raised a brow. “But you guys never even met her???”

“Honestly? Don’t even want to. Sorry not sorry, bro,” Jaehyun said as he took a sip of his drink.

“Every time you say her name, I get the creeps,” Haechan added, clutching his chest dramatically. “Like, hyung. For real. She’s bad.”

Taeyong leaned across the table and pointed his gaze at you.

“But Y/N? Y/N is pure serotonin. She volunteers to save animals and literally adopted a stray you rescued. She’s a Disney princess with anxiety!”

“I like her,” Ten said, gesturing at you with his drink. “She fits you perfectly.”

Jungwoo grinned. “She’s your balance. You’re chaos, she’s calm. The math is mathing.”

You looked down, flustered as hell.

“Even I don’t like that girl,” Mark added quietly. “And I like everyone.”

Johnny choked on his soda. “Wait—you too?!”

Mark shrugged. “Bro, I don’t even know what you see in her. She’s just pretty on the outside, but inside? Yikes.”

That made Johnny pause. He waved it off.

But the next time he met up with Yoona, he started seeing the cracks.

She rolled her eyes when he mentioned your name. Said you looked “so plain it hurts”. That you were probably in love with him, “which is cute, but tragic”. Even likened you to the strays you kindly rescued and brought to his clinic.

Johnny stared at her for a long moment.

And then he laughed.

But not the charming kind.

The cold kind. The kind that made Yoona stare at him in confusion.

“Wow,” he said. “You really don’t know when to shut up, do you?”

“What?” she said, half laughing, thinking he was joking.

He wasn’t.

“You talk like you’re the only person with value in the room,” Johnny continued, voice calm, too calm.

“You treat waiters like shit. You insult people who’ve never done anything to you, especially her. And the worst part? You think I’d be okay with that.”

Yoona blinked. “I was joking—”

“Were you?” Johnny leaned back.

“Because you talk a lot of crap for someone who’s barely done anything real. You smile for cameras and think that makes you better than the woman who works her ass off rescuing abused animals. The one who doesn’t brag about it, by the way—she just does it because she gives a damn.”

“Johnny—”

“She’s got more heart than you ever will. She shows up every day at my clinic even when she’s tired, even when she’s scared. She treats people with kindness without expecting anything back. And guess what? She’s smarter, funnier, and infinitely more beautiful than you could ever hope to be.”

Yoona looked stunned.

“Is this seriously about her?” she asked, her voice trembling for the first time.

“I said I was sorry, Johnny. I didn’t mean it like that.”

He stood up.

“That’s the thing,” he said, picking up his jacket.

“I don’t fucking care. You can cry, apologize, beg—I don’t feel anything for you anymore. And I sure as hell don’t want to waste another second pretending I ever really did.”

He walked out before she could reply and never looked back.

It hit him days later. The fake dates with you had felt more real than anything he’d ever had.

You laughed at his worst puns. You didn’t mind when he talked to animals like they were people. You carried bandages in your tote bag just in case you found an injured animal on the street.

One night, Johnny was walking you home from the clinic when you found a shivering stray. Without hesitation, he pulled out dog food from his backpack. You looked at him, eyes shining, and he just shrugged.

“I always carry some,” he said. “You never know.”

He remembered how you smiled that night. Like he’d done something miraculous, when really, it was just what he did.

That same dog had become “Johnny”.

You adopted him, named him after the man you loved, and brought him to the clinic almost every week “just to say hi.”

He’d been blind. He saw that now.

He missed you. The warmth, the quiet care, the way you made him feel like being himself was enough.

So he planned something.

Later that week, Johnny asked you to meet him on the rooftop above the clinic.

The sun was dipping low, painting the sky with dusky pinks and oranges.

Johnny the dog, was sitting there with a ridiculous bowtie on, tail wagging like crazy.

You walked up, cautious. “What is this?”

“Just stay right there,” Johnny said, stepping forward.

He pulled something from his hoodie pocket. A small silver tag. Your name engraved on one side. On the other?

‘You are my always’

You covered your mouth.

“Listen,” he said, voice low and real.

“I was a dumbass. I thought love had to be loud and flashy. Turns out, it’s just someone who laughs at your awful jokes and makes your clinic feel like home. Someone who brings you soup when you’re sick and names a dog after you because she thinks you’re worth remembering.”

Your heart skipped a beat.

Johnny stepped closer, brushing a strand of hair behind your ear.

“I’ve been yours for a while, Y/N. I just didn’t get it until now.”

You barely managed to whisper. “You’re serious?”

“Dead serious. No more pretending.”

And finally, he kissed you. Tender and real.

Johnny pulled back just enough to murmur, “I love you”.

You didn’t hesitate.

“I love you too.”

And that was that. No more fake dates, no more dreaming.

johnnys hips buck causing his tip to slide deeper down your throat. it triggers your reflexes which make you choke around him.

the sudden bump causing your glasses to fall to the tip of your nose. quickly, you use your hand to push it up before focusing back on johnny.

“through your nose, baby—fuck, that’s it!” johnny holds you in place and lets out a string full of moans and groans.

“ooohhh, i’m gonna cum, princess.” johnny groans with his head tossed back, atoms apple bobbing, eyes rolling back, and abs tightening.

you can’t choose which to focus on—johnnys cock throbbing down your throat or your oxygen running out?

your nails dig into johnnys thigh and your palm meets his thigh repeatedly.

johnny releases you and you fling up, quickly gasping for all the air you could. “j—john—johnny—?” your jaw slacks even more when feeling ribbons of thick substances land on your face.

“oh, fuck—baby,” johnny gasps and reaches out for you but you’re in utter shock. “fuck, baby.” johnny strokes himself by the base.

johnny recovers quickly and finds you still with your face painted in his cum. he breaks out into a laughing fit and cradles you.

“i’m so sorry, my love.” johnny cups your face and gently pushes all of your stray hairs away from your face. “was i being too rough?” you shut your eyes and listen as johnny frantically yank tissues from the tissue box sitting on the coffee table.

“did i hurt you?” johnny begins to gently wipe your face with the tissues. “you did so good, princess.” you melt when feeling a pair of lips being pressed on your forehead.

johnny cups your face and gives you a kiss on your lips. “talk to me, princess.” you open your eyes and stare in his eyes.

you swore you could see deeply into his soul.

you and johnny sit in silence for a few minutes. “you’re so beautiful.” he finally breaks the silence with a fat grin on his face. “absolutely stunning.”

“are you okay, baby?” johnny kisses your forehead and pulls away to see you. “i’m okay, i promise.” you grasp his hand and give him a reassuring smile.

johnny pulls you onto his lap and rubs your knees. “do your knees hurt?” you shake your head. “are you sure?” you nod but your red knees say otherwise.

johnny pulls you in for a kiss and slowly switches the two of you until you’re under him. you giggle and break the kiss when feeling johnnys dick poke you.

“i’m sorry,” you put a hand on johnnys chest and look down; he’s still rock hard.

you raise your eyes back to johnnys and shiver, his eyes are dark and hungry. “h—hi.” he giggles and pushes up your glasses. “hi, pretty.”

“you ready for my cock, pretty girl?” you bite your lip and nod. “use your words, baby.” you shudder, feeling johnny tease your entrance with his tip.

“yes sir.” your breath hitches.

you look down, watching as johnny teases your cunt. growing impatient because he hasn’t done a single thing yet.

“please, johnny.” you beg with your hands squeezing his biceps. “please.”

johnny smiles, “anything for you, my pretty girl.” he whispers and flicks your clit once more with his tip. “happy valentine’s day to us, baby.”

“oh, fuck.” you moan out, feeling johnny fill you up within seconds.

he hadn’t seen you in weeks. the guilt gnawed at him, gnawing at his insides like a constant reminder that he hadn’t been there for you the way he wanted to. the last time he had held you, kissed you, told you he loved you, it felt like a lifetime ago. too long.

johnny glanced at the tulips in his hands again. you had always loved white tulips — peace and remembrance, you’d said.

he didn’t know why he remembered that now, but the thought of it made him pause for a moment. he could almost hear your voice, your gentle laugh when you’d first told him, the way you’d talked about flowers like they had their own language.

you had always had a way with words.

“if you could have any superpower, what would it be?”

johnny chuckled, rolling over to face you on the couch. the two of you were curled up in a blanket, just passing the time in a comfortable silence.

you’d tilted your head, an eyebrow arched as you glanced at him. “come on, don’t tell me you’ve never thought about it.”

“of course i’ve thought about it,” he replied, laughing. “but if i’m being honest, i don’t know what i’d pick. maybe… invisibility? i could sneak up on you and surprise you when you least expect it.”

you smiled and shook your head, clearly not impressed. “that’s just sneaky.”

“exactly,” johnny grinned. “and you know how much i love surprising you.”

you chuckled, rolling your eyes. “i’m still not sure how i feel about being sneaked up on all the time.”

“well, too bad,” johnny teased, leaning closer. “now that i’ve got invisibility, you’re stuck with me.”

you didn’t resist, instead reaching over to tug him closer with a quiet laugh.

“what about you?” johnny asked after a beat, gently squeezing your hand. “what would you pick?”

you didn’t hesitate.

“i’d want to time travel,” you said, eyes sparkling with a mix of excitement and something deeper. “imagine all the places i could go, the things i could see. i could relive moments i’ve missed, change little mistakes. i could even meet people from the past and see how they lived.”

johnny smiled softly at your enthusiasm. “what would you do with all that power?”

you paused for a moment, looking almost wistful.

“i don’t know. maybe i’d go back to my favorite days. or forward… to see the future.” your voice softened. “maybe i’d even go back to when you and i first met. i’d want to remember it all over again.”

johnny’s breath caught in his throat as he walked, the weight of your words settling on him. the memory of that conversation, of your excitement about the idea of time travel, was more vivid than he’d expected.

he couldn’t help but feel a pang of longing.

what if he could really go back? what if he could relive those early days, hold onto every moment and never let go? but time didn’t work that way.

time kept moving, never stopping for anyone. it moved without care, without mercy.

his hand tightened around the tulips.

the ache in his chest grew. he wished he could just freeze everything, stay in those moments where you laughed with him, where things were simple, where you were right next to him.

“babe, i swear to god, if you fall—”

“i won’t fall,” johnny called down, balancing precariously on a barstool as he attempted to hang the fairy lights you had insisted would make the apartment feel cozier.

from your spot on the floor, arms crossed, you gave him a deeply skeptical look. “i don’t trust you.”

johnny scoffed, reaching up to secure another hook on the wall. “wow. where’s the faith?”

“you lost it when you fell off the couch last week trying to change a lightbulb.”

“that was different.”

“how?”

“…it just was.”

you raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. “huh. just finish hanging them up before i have to call 911.”

johnny smirked, eyes still on his task. “relax baby. i got this.”

and then, right on cue, the stool wobbled.

before he could react, gravity took over. his arms flailed, the fairy lights tangling in his hands as he went down with a loud thud.

silence. then—

“…baby, i think i saw my life flash before my eyes.”

you stood over him, biting your lip, trying (and failing) to suppress your laughter. johnny groaned dramatically, sprawled out on the floor with the lights draped over him like some kind of tangled christmas decoration.

“don’t laugh. this is a serious injury.”

“you landed on a pillow.”

“it hurts.”

you rolled your eyes but didn’t argue. instead, you sank down beside him, resting your head on his chest. his heartbeat was steady beneath your ear, his breathing slowing as the initial shock faded.

“you’re an idiot,” you murmured fondly.

johnny grinned, wrapping an arm around you, pulling you closer. “mhh, but you love me anyway.”

you sighed, your voice softer now. “yeah… i do.”

johnny’s throat tightened as he walked, the memory wrapping around him like a familiar embrace.

it had been one of those ordinary moments, one of those insignificant nights that didn’t feel all that important at the time. but now, it was everything.

it was funny, how memories worked.

the big milestones, the grand gestures. those faded first. but the little things? the teasing, the stolen glances, the way you fit so perfectly against him when you curled into his side. those were the ones that stayed.

the ones that haunted him.

he let out a shaky breath, forcing himself to keep moving.

it had started as a joke, just a silly moment.

you’d stolen one of johnny’s rings, slipping it onto your own finger with a dramatic flourish, holding out your hand like a king expecting his crown.

“i think this suits me, don’t you?” you’d teased, tilting your head as you admired the way the bright metal caught the light.

johnny had rolled his eyes, laughter bubbling up from deep within him. “i think you just want to marry me.”

you smiled. “maybe i do.”

the playful banter had made him laugh then, but later, when the apartment had quieted and the lights had dimmed, he found himself lying awake beside you, staring at your hand.

the ring still sat on your finger, loose but not falling off, the sight of it stirring something deep in his chest.

he had thought about it before, in passing. marriage. forever. but something about that night made the idea feel real, tangible.

he could see it so clearly — standing in front of you, his heart pounding as he slipped a real ring onto your finger. he could hear your breath hitch, picture the way your eyes would widen before softening into that smile that always undid him.

it was terrifying.

it was exhilarating.

it was just another dream that would never come true.

a dream that had once felt so close, so real, like something he could reach out and grasp if only he tried hard enough.

but now, it was just a cruel mirage, something that taunted him in his sleep and left him gasping for air when he woke up alone.

johnny looked up, and his heart clenched.

he was here.

the cemetery stretched before him, vast and still, the kind of quiet that wasn’t peaceful but suffocating. the kind of silence that pressed down on his chest, making it harder to breathe with each step forward.

his legs felt like lead as he took those final, dreaded steps toward your grave. he didn’t need to look for it — his body already knew the way. muscle memory had betrayed him, guiding him here like a path he had walked a thousand times before.

he hated this.

he hated how familiar this walk had become, how routine it was now to bring you flowers instead of taking you out to dinner. hated how, instead of texting you to say i’m on my way, he was standing here, staring down at your name etched into cold, unfeeling stone.

it wasn’t fair. none of this was fair.

his fingers trembled slightly as he knelt down, carefully placing the white tulips at the base of the headstone. he smoothed his palm over the petals, as if trying to fix something, as if trying to make them perfect — because that was the least he could do for you now.

then, slowly, his hand reached for the stone. his fingertips traced over the carved letters of your name, and the moment they made contact, a fresh wave of grief crashed over him. his vision blurred, but he refused to close his eyes. if he did, he’d see you too clearly.

and right now, he wasn’t sure he could handle that.

“hello, my love,” he whispered, his voice barely more than breath. “i couldn’t come earlier. i’m truly sorry.”

the wind rustled the trees above him, a soft, almost gentle sound — the only response to his words.

a quiet, bitter laugh escaped him as he shook his head. “i brought you flowers again.”

a single tear slipped down his cheek before he could stop it, landing on the cold stone below. he wiped at his face with the back of his hand, but it didn’t matter.

there would always be more tears.

“i know you’d tell me not to cry,” he murmured. his voice cracked, uneven. “that it’s okay. that you’d wait for me, no matter how long it took.”

his hands curled into fists on his lap. he let out a shaky breath, his chest tight, his throat burning.

“but it’s not fair,” he whispered. “it’s not okay. i was supposed to have more time with you.”

more mornings waking up next to you, sunlight spilling through the curtains as you sleepily reached for him. more lazy afternoons spent curled up on the couch, talking about nothing and everything all at once. more laughter, more kisses, more nights tangled up in each other under the covers.

more everything.

but instead, all he had were memories that felt more like ghosts, lingering in the corners of his mind, haunting him in ways he never thought possible.

he ran a hand through his hair, exhaling shakily. “i still don’t know how to do this without you.”

johnny sat there for a long time, his fingers resting against the stone, his heart heavy in his chest. the world kept moving around him, but he stayed still, unwilling to leave just yet.

eventually, he sighed, tilting his head back to look at the sky. the clouds had shifted, revealing a sliver of blue. it was a small thing, barely noticeable. but it was something.

maybe you were up there somewhere, watching him, waiting for him. maybe you were still with him, in ways he couldn’t understand.

he wanted to believe that.

he needed to believe that.

johnny pressed a soft kiss to his fingers before touching them to your name.

“i love you,” he whispered. “i’ll see you soon, okay?”

he stood slowly, his legs unsteady beneath him, his body reluctant to leave but his heart knowing he had to.

with one last glance, he turned and walked away.

it was a long walk back home, but it would be the only place he’d ever feel your presence again.

The airport was too bright for heartbreak. Everything about it felt artificial—sterile white lights reflecting off polished floors, automated announcements interrupting human emotion every thirty seconds, strangers dragging their entire lives behind them in suitcases without looking at each other twice.

You hated airports.

Not because of flying.

But because airports were proof that people were always leaving.

And tonight, you were only there because your younger sister had forgotten her passport and called you in tears, twenty minutes before boarding.

That was it.

A quick drop-off, ten minutes max.

In and out.

No emotional damage attached.

At least, that’s what you thought.

The terminal doors slid open with a mechanical hum, cold air hitting your face immediately as you stepped inside. Your hood was still damp from the rain outside and fingers curled tightly around the passport in your coat pocket whilst you searched through the crowded terminal for your sister.

People were everywhere.

Families hugging goodbye.

Children asleep on luggage.

Couples arguing quietly near charging stations.

You even noticed a person crying near security.

Life was moving in every direction at once.

You pulled out your phone to text your sister— then froze completely.

Like your body stopped belonging to you for one horrifying second.

Because standing near Gate 14, half-hidden beneath the giant departure screen, was Johnny.

Not a memory.

Not someone who looked like him.

Johnny.

Your Johnny.

Or at least the person who used to be.

The world around you blurred instantly.

He stood with one hand gripping the handle of a black suitcase while the other rested in the pocket of his long coat. Dark hair slightly messy like he’d been running his fingers through it repeatedly. Headphones around his neck. Phone in his hand.

And somehow, somehow— he still looked exactly like the man you ruined your loving.

And it made you feel like your lungs had stopped working.

It had been eleven months.

Eleven months since you last heard his voice in person.

Eleven months since you watched him leave your apartment at four in the morning with swollen eyes and trembling hands.

Eleven months since he whispered,

“I think staying is hurting us more than leaving.”

At the time, you thought that was the cruelest thing he could’ve said.

Now you understood it was probably the most honest.

Johnny looked thinner.

That was the first thing you noticed after the shock wore off.

Not dramatically.

Just enough to suggest sleepless nights combined with skipped meals, too much work and too much loneliness.

He laughed softly at something on his phone, but it sounded empty even from across the terminal.

And suddenly you remembered every version of his laugh.

The real one that was only reserved for you.

The fake public one.

Even the exhausted one he used after arguments when neither of you had energy left to keep fighting.

God. This was a mistake.

You should leave. Right now.

Before he sees you.

Before old wounds rip open again.

But heartbreak had always made you stupid.

Because instead of walking away, you stared.

And as if sensing it— Johnny looked up.

Your eyes met instantly.

The effect was catastrophic.

His entire body went still. Not subtle. Not composed in the slightest.

Like someone had physically hit him.

The phone slowly lowered from his hand and dangled dangerously between his fingers.

You watched recognition spread across his face first. Then disbelief. Then something infinitely worse.

Pain.

Raw, unmistakable pain.

For one terrible moment neither of you moved.

The airport noise faded into static around you.

And suddenly there were no announcements, no conversations, not even the sounds of rolling suitcases.

Just that look on Johnny’s face.

Like after eleven months apart, seeing you was still enough to destroy him.

You looked away first because you had to.

Because if you kept staring you might actually break down right there in Terminal B.

You turned sharply, heart slamming violently against your ribs, and started walking in the opposite direction.

Fast. Too fast.

Like outrunning him might somehow save you.

But footsteps echoed behind you almost immediately.

Of course they did.

And then a voice broke through the void, through the echo of every painful beat of your heart.

His voice.

Deep, familiar and cracking slightly around your name.

And just like always— you stopped.

The sound of him saying your name after nearly a year apart hurt more than you prepared for. It carried too much history. Too many shared nights. Too many memories buried alive that were threatening to see the surface of what was once love.

You closed your eyes briefly before turning around slowly.

Johnny had stopped a few feet away from you.

Close enough to touch, far enough to remind you he no longer could.

For a second neither spoke.

He looked stunned.

Actually stunned.

Like he still couldn’t process that you were real and standing in front of him instead of existing inside old photographs and deleted messages.

“You cut your hair,” he said finally, voice quieter now.

You almost laughed.

Not because it was funny.

Because somehow that tiny observation shattered you more than anything else he could have said.

Of course he noticed.

Johnny always noticed everything about you. The things nobody else saw, the things you thought you had tucked away from the entire world and even all the things that you didn't even realise yourself. He noticed it all and he would turn every single one of them into more reasons to make you feel loved.

“You grew yours out,” you replied softly.

His hand lifted unconsciously to the back of his neck before dropping again.

Same habit. Same nervous tell that you found so endearing.

God, you hated this.

Hated how familiar he still felt.

“You look…” Johnny stopped himself.

Tired, probably.

Different.

Colder.

Like someone who learned how to survive disappointment.

Instead he finished quietly, “…good.”

You nodded once. “Thanks.”

A horrible silence followed.

The kind only ex-lovers understood.

Not empty. Overcrowded. Just one that has too many things living inside it.

Johnny glanced away briefly before looking back at you. “I didn’t know you were in New York.”

“I’m not.”

“Oh.”

“My sister’s flying home. She forgot her passport so I had to come up here.”

“Right.”

Another silence.

Another thousand things unsaid.

You hated how awkward this felt.

Because once upon a time, Johnny was the easiest person in the world to talk to.

At 2AM you could spend hours discussing absolutely nothing.

He used to call you during grocery runs because he “got bored shopping alone.”

You used to fall asleep listening to him ramble about music production and random conspiracy theories.

Now you two sounded like strangers forced into small talk.

It was unbearable.

Johnny swallowed hard before asking carefully, “How have you been?”

Such a simple question.

Such a dangerous one at the same time.

Because what were you supposed to say?

That you stopped sleeping properly after he left and still haven't recovered from it?

That every love song makes you physically nauseous?

That you still checked his interviews online even after promising yourself you'd stop?

That you once heard someone laugh like him in a café and burst into tears in the bathroom afterward?

Instead you shrugged lightly. “Fine.”

The lie hung between them immediately.

Johnny noticed.

Of course he noticed.

His jaw tightened slightly, eyes dropping toward the floor like he didn’t deserve honesty anymore.

And maybe he didn’t.

You crossed your arms tightly over your chest. “What about you?”

Johnny laughed once under his breath.

It wasn’t a happy sound.

“I don’t know anymore.”

That answer scared you because it sounded...real.

An announcement interrupted them overhead.

Flight 247 to Seoul now boarding.

Your stomach dropped instantly.

Seoul. Of course. Always Seoul.

The city that took him from you slowly before he physically left at all.

Johnny looked toward the gate automatically.

And you suddenly remembered the last night they spent together.

He sat on the edge of your bed at four in the morning while half-packed suitcases surrounded him.

Neither of you had slept.

Neither of you wanted to admit what was happening.

“You could ask me to stay,” Johnny whispered back then.

You remembered staring at him through tears.

“You’d resent me for it eventually.”

“No I wouldn’t.”

“Yes,” you said softly. “You would.”

That was the problem.

You loved him enough to know his dreams mattered more than your comfort.

And Johnny loved you enough to hate himself for choosing them anyway.

Ironic, wasn't it?

“Are you heading home?” you asked quietly now.

Johnny looked back at you slowly. “I don’t really know where home is anymore.”

The words hit you like a knife.

Because once...

home was each other.

You looked away toward the rain-covered windows before he could see the tears building in your eyes.

Outside, planes disappeared into the storm one by one.

Leaving.

Always leaving.

Johnny’s voice softened. “I tried calling you.”

Your chest tightened painfully.

“Johnny—”

“I know you blocked my number.”

Because you had to.

Because hearing his voice after the breakup felt like reopening stitches every single time.

“You disappeared,” you whispered.

His expression cracked instantly.

“I know.”

“No, you don’t.” your voice shook despite your efforts to stay calm. “You left and suddenly I was supposed to just… continue existing like half my life didn’t vanish overnight.”

Johnny looked devastated now.

Good.

Maybe he deserved to.

“You think I didn’t suffer too?” he asked quietly.

“I think you chose this.”

The second the words left your mouth, regret hit.

Because Johnny physically flinched.

Actually flinched.

Like you’d struck him across the face.

And suddenly you remembered all the things people never saw.

The panic attacks before flights.

The pressure.

The exhaustion.

The nights he held you while apologizing for being absent even when he was sitting right beside you.

Johnny wasn’t cruel.

That would’ve been easier.

He just loved too many things at once and eventually tore himself apart trying to keep all of them.

“I didn’t choose to lose you,” he said softly.

You felt the tears finally spill down your cheeks.

“Then why does it feel like you did?”

Johnny stared at you helplessly.

And for the first time since the breakup, you realized something horrifying.

He looked just as ruined as you felt.

Not healed.

Not happier.

Not moved on.

Ruined.

A couple walked past them laughing loudly, completely unaware that two people were quietly breaking apart beside Gate 14.

Johnny rubbed exhaustedly at his eyes before speaking again.

“Do you know what the worst part was?”

You said nothing.

“Every good thing that happened after I left…” He swallowed hard. “You were still the first person I wanted to tell.”

That nearly destroyed you, because you understood immediately.

The instinct never really leaves.

When something funny happens.

When life gets overwhelming.

When the world feels too heavy.

Or when something beautiful appears suddenly.

You still reach mentally for the person you love most.

Even after they’re gone.

Johnny laughed bitterly to himself. “I’d pick up my phone before remembering I couldn’t call you anymore.”

You looked down quickly because you couldn’t let him see how hard you were crying now.

“I hated you for a while,” you admitted shakily.

“I know.”

“No, I mean really hated you.”

Johnny nodded slowly. “You should’ve.”

“But the problem was…” your voice cracked completely. “I still loved you at the same time.”

Silence.

Heavy, crushing silence.

Johnny’s eyes closed briefly like hearing that physically hurt him.

When he opened them again they looked glassy.

“I never stopped.”

The confession settled between them quietly.

No dramatic music.

No cinematic reunion.

Just grief.

Pure grief.

Because love was still there.

And that was the tragedy.

If the love had disappeared, maybe you could’ve survived losing each other.

Another boarding call echoed overhead.

Final boarding for Flight 247 to Seoul.

Johnny looked toward the gate again automatically.

Time.

Time was happening again.

You suddenly hated time more than anything.

Hated clocks.

Hated planes.

Hated timing.

Because timing was the reason you weren’t together.

Not lack of love.

Not betrayal.

Not cheating.

Timing.

The cruelest thing to lose against because nobody is truly at fault.

Johnny picked up his suitcase slowly.

And your heart started breaking all over again.

“No way,” you whispered before you could stop yourself.

He looked at you carefully. “What?”

“You don’t get to do this to me twice.”

Johnny’s expression collapsed completely.

Because he understood exactly what you meant.

The first goodbye nearly killed you.

This one might finish the job.

“I don’t want to leave like this,” he admitted quietly.

“Then stay.”

The words slipped out accidentally.

And both of you froze.

Johnny stared at you like you'd just reached into his chest and crushed the few remaining pieces of his heart with your bare hands.

For one impossible second— you thought he might actually do it.

You saw it happen on his face.

The hesitation. The longing.

That tiny speck of desperate, dangerous hope.

His grip loosened on the suitcase handle.

Your heart pounded violently.

Stay. Please stay.

But then reality returned.

Slowly.

Cruelly.

Johnny looked toward the gate one last time before looking back at you.

And you knew.

Knew before he even spoke.

Because Johnny had always looked at you like you were something precious.

But he looked at his future like he was terrified to lose it.

And eventually, fear wins.

“I can’t,” he whispered, voice starting to break.

There it was.

The final death sentence.

You nodded slowly despite the tears pouring down your face now.

“Yeah,” you whispered back. “I know.”

Johnny stepped closer then.

Close enough that you could smell his cologne again.

Close enough that muscle memory screamed at you to reach for him.

His voice broke completely when he spoke next.

“You were the best thing that ever happened to me.”

You covered your mouth instantly as a sob nearly escaped you.

“No,” you cried softly. “Don’t say things like that if you’re still leaving.”

Johnny looked like he might start to cry too now.

Maybe he already was.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

And somehow those two words hurt more than everything else combined.

Because you believed him.

He was sorry.

But sorry didn’t fix anything.

Sorry didn’t bring people back.

Sorry didn’t undo all the nights you spent loving each other just to end up here under fluorescent airport lights pretending goodbye was survivable.

The final boarding announcement echoed again.

Johnny exhaled shakily.

Then, with trembling fingers, he reached into his coat pocket and pulled something out.

A small silver keychain.

Your initials engraved into the metal.

You stared at it in shock.

“You still have that?”

Johnny looked down at it quietly. “Couldn’t throw it away.”

Neither could you.

That was the problem.

Neither of you knew how to stop carrying each other.

Johnny placed it gently into your palm before closing your fingers around it carefully.

His touch lingered for one devastating second.

Then disappeared.

“I think,” he said softly, voice breaking, “in another life… we probably made it.”

You felt something inside you shatter completely.

Because you thought so too.

In another life, your love would've been enough.

Johnny stepped backwards slowly after that.

One step

Then another.

You stood frozen, unable to breathe properly, unable to stop crying, unable to ask him to stay again because you already knew the answer.

He looked at you one final time.

Really looked at you.

Like he was memorizing every detail all over again.

Then he smiled.

Not happily.

Just devastatingly enough to ruin you forever.

And finally,

finally—

Johnny turned away.

This time, he didn’t look back.

You watched him disappear into the crowd until there was nothing left of him except memory.

Then the airport swallowed him completely.

Turning him into just another passenger leaving.

And somewhere above the storm clouds that night, Johnny flew towards the future he chose—

whilst you stayed behind grieving the life you almost had.

But in another life, time wasn’t so cruel towards you two. Life cradled your love into her arms and protected it from every harm there was. That love bloomed and bloomed, touching every corner of the world until it reached the whispering stars who told the whole universe about you two.

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