#jim feels

Okay, so, oh my god completely heart-breaking headcanon that there are only a handful of things that Jim would not do for his family. OR, if the case happens in that there is NOTHING that he wouldn't do for his family, that either shows that he cares far too much for them or he cares far too little for himself. If Cumberbatch is playing someone who had it out for Jim's mom or had it out for Jim and thus killed his mom (which is my personal theory regarding the military funeral, and totally what my really long oneshot fic will be about because SPECULATIONS ABOUT THE MOVIE Y/Y), Jim is really going to realize that he's alone. And that's not going to be an easy realization because usually kids realize that at a young age. I don't think Jim likes to acknowledge most of it; most of the time, he'll push on through.

The thing with Jim is that what scares him the most is being alone. This in itself, I believe, is canon--and being alone, he probably canhandle it, but I think the issues would stem from his mom's absence from his life as a kid. Because Starfleet represented everything taken away from him, his dad, his mom (being off-planet all the time), and Sam's disappearance (and I really don't want to accept that Sam is not canon, because I think it's really relevant that Jim SHOULD have Sam, because if he doesn't, he's really going to be alone, and that fear is only going to maybe grow exponentially larger), he never thought about it. I think his mom eventually grew tired of his shit and stopped caring, and that was how Jim became an adult. He made trouble, he ended as an offender on so many accounts that Pike noted this when he tried to bring him over to Starfleet--like normally you wouldn't bring stuff up like that when you're recruiting, but Pike is a fucking Captain because he's earned that rank, and you don't become a Captain without dealing with shit like this.

For Jim, the introduction of Starfleet in his life suddenly brings all these people into his life; I believe that Bones is one of the first (if only) person that Jim has ever had that ever really gave a shit about him without either wanting something for themselves or being obligated to. All the tough-guy attitude Jim was having when he laughed in Pike's face about being a part of Starfleet--Pike was the first one to tell Jim that he had fucking potential. But Bones was the one who cared enough to look after Jim, and I have headcanons were Bones pretty much took up being Jim's doctor because Jim wouldn't go because Jim is a fucking moron and does stupid shit, and goddammit Jim, you should be used to these hyposprays by now, stop squirming, you've only yourself to blame. But I also think it's because Jim doesn't like how impersonal it gets with other doctors. With Bones, he'll cuss you out, tell you how stupid and ridiculous you are, but he does it because he cares. He gets mad because he cares. And with Bones, I think Jim has found his first best friend that actually cares. NGL though, whomever Cumberbatch is, if he's Gary, I really want to see the dyanmic Jim has with other people in friendship.

And, just, everyone on the Enterprise. He became Captain, sure, but he earned it, and I think Jim realizes that in a small way, but it's not so much as earning it as people deciding that maybe he deserves it? And maybe he's surprised, maybe he's overwhelmed by it. He considers that these people are his family. I don't doubt that he would give so much for them to be okay, for them to be safe; because for the first time, Jim has something for his own. And if Cumberbatch is like one of those villains that act like a foil, that outlines things you don't want to admit to, shit is going to get real, because they tell the truth and that's what hurts the most. Going by the other theory I had about the villain being after to hurt Jim because TOS!Kirk did him in one (or failed him one, homage to you, Nero), seriously, shit's going to get real.

Okay so I don't make sense, but basically I am in constant fear that Jim really, really has a Supernatural-level bad kind of self-worth. Because god, because sure, shit happens, and Tarsus IV may or may not have happened to him (and I need it to have happened to him in this verse, not because of sadistic reasons, but because this is one of the things that defines who Jim Kirk will be), and while you carry around your wounds, what happens in your past doesn't have to define you. I think Jim realizes that. Still, even then, Jim is pretty much flying a lot of this by his pants. He's jumped entire RANKS, okay? Everyone who's had so many years and things of experience--and here Jim is, being a Captain. There's going to be total bullshit from the higher-ranks because he's the youngest Captain ever, and they're going to make it hard on him, because forget government politics, military politics are just as bad. They're going to watch him, because even though they promoted him and lifted his probation, they're not going to make it easy for him. He might act cocky, but I think in a way he's kind of in over his head. He doesn't know what he's doing, and he's responsible for an entire crew of lives. He might have taken courses on this, but this is what makes or breaks a Captain.