Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā YOU NEED ME * Ā Ā IĀ DONāT NEED YOUĀ
-- before --
life is a whirlwind. he foolishly spent the early days of april breathless and hoping for respite, thinking surely, god would take pity on him and make april a month of peace. maybe, finally, something that shook him to his very core wouldnāt happen month after month. maybe he could move past a drunken kiss with a boy on valentineās day, and past that boyās appearances on novaās new survival show-- past a confession of love from a different boy the month after. maybe he could move past all of the extra time spent with joohyun, her delicate hands still wrapped around some piece of his heart, despite all of it-- despite that heart being torn in a hundred different directions more than ever. heās always been flighty in love, always hesitant, always uncertain, but this is worse. maybe heās spent two months with a certain sickness in his stomach that just keeps getting worse.
he doesnāt think much of the announcement of trcās new auditions; in fact heās almost certain he wonāt go. thereās too much going on his life, both on an interpersonal level and with empty enigma, namely their new album in its final stages. if he didnāt want to be aĀ trainee during the mgas, he certainly doesnāt want to be one now. and yet he canāt say no to joohyun, and a mutual pact that if he goes sheāll go. if that wasnāt enough, jinah encourages him to go, too. hehow does he always end up here?Ā
at first, he makes the same mistake as he made with the mgas too: thinks thereās no way he has what it takes to get signed, and vows to do his best. he practices his dancing with joohyun, and it brings back memories of similar on the mgas, and maybe heās even worse now. she does her best, and heās grateful for her, but as the days go on, fear takes root. he fears another audition-- a contract in his hands. he fears stealing opportunity from others where he doesnāt want it. he canāt settle on a performance anyway until he decides heāll just stand on stage with his guitar. heāll sing and rap, but if he doesnāt dance, surely he canāt win. surely heāll get to stand on stage, then go home, and return to his life as he knows it. (what is life as he knows it now? he doesnāt know.)
joohyun probably suspects as much when he doesnāt ask for her help with his dancing anymore, and when he plays guitar for her instead. sure, he could do both, but he wonāt. he doesnāt tell her, either.
-- april 14 --
sundays at his motherās church of choice are always filled with a certain tension for daniel. whether it happens or not, daniel always feels some kind of torn apart by her, and her friends, and the church that preaches less love and more perfection. still, he suffers through it for his familyās sake, and knowing that because he does this, his mother lets him go to church with his grandmother the other three weeks of the month.
the drive home is uneventful, and daniel relaxes, glad the worst part is over with. (but the worst is yet to come.)
they eat lunch, dad drifts away to do work, mina goes upstairs to her room, and itās daniel and his mother. they clean up the table together, collecting dishes and silverware, and itās when his mother passes him, returning from the kitchen back to the table, that she stops. she grabs him by the bottom of his ear, and he tenses on instinct, despite not knowing what comes next.
āare your ears pierced?ā she asks, and her voice is equally piercing.
āyes...?ā he answers, because the evidence is there. thereās no point in lying about this.
āwhy?ā she has that look on her face: the raised eyebrows, the tongue laced in criticism, the heavy, inevitable disappointment.Ā ādaniel, where have you been?ā
what lie does he spin now, to join the others? iām going to study, iām going to work, iām going to the library, iām going to haknyeonās, i have work, all to cover up empty enigma shows and rehearsals and album preparation and friends she wouldnāt approve of and the fact that heās raising a dog with a girl that she does like, if he remembers right.Ā when does it stop?
now, he decides, finally. he is carrying too much weight around. soon his chest will cave in, if he doesnāt get rid of something. this has to be it.Ā āmom, i have...a lot to tell you.ā
so he does. he tells her that he loves music, and that heās in a metal band-- about empty enigma, and that theyāre his best friends, some of the best people heās ever met. he tells her itās been a year and a half, that he hasnāt been going where heās told her, that heās been performing shows, and going to rehearsal, and working on an album, but that his grades are still good-- that he can handle it-- that itās okay.
she looks at him in silence for long, deafening seconds. his ears ring, and he meets her gaze, not fearless, but anticipating.Ā āokay,ā she breathes at last, and he lets out a breath of air the tension kept in his lungs.Ā āiāve raised you how i thought i should. itās your life, and youāre old enough to make your own choices, so you can do what you choose with it.ā heās so relieved. is that it? he gets his hopes up.
ābut,ā and it comes crashing down again. he hangs on every word.Ā āif you want to do this, you wonāt do it while under my roof.ā
he expected it. no, he expected worse, really. in this there is a promise that their relationship will continue as it has so long as he moves out, and if heās going to make choices without her approval, that he needs to take steps to be entirely independent. as the moments stretch on, he thinks itās fair. he understands, and if she canāt accept this about him ( oh god, thereās so much worse she might need to accept) then he doesnāt want to live with her anyway.
āokay,ā he agrees, but it still stings.
he doesnāt have an apartment, and he doesnāt know what to do, so he calls the first person he thinks of-- the first place he would want to go in a situation like this: ha sungwoon.
he doesnāt hesitate as long as he should. he calls, and when sungwoon picks up, he resists the word sorry on the tip of his tongue.Ā āso, i told my mom about the band. she wants me out of the house today. do you guys...have space for me on your couch?ā
-- after --
itās not as bad as it could be. itās not as bad as he expected, daniel, always expecting the worst. the empty enigma members are still his best friends, and they still assure him that itās no trouble-- still welcome him with open arms, and he claims he isnāt upset. he doesnāt think he is, but he knows he needs them, anyway.
itās not even as bad with sungwoon as it could be. maybe theyāve gotten their awkwardness out of their system, as much as they tried to play it off like nothing was wrong in front of the other guys to avoid questions. he doubts they succeeded, given the sheer amount of concern for sungwoon daniel has been unable to shake since his birthday, trying to tiptoe the line of taking advantage of his feelings and treating him the same as he did before. by the time heās sleeping on his couch, though, things feel almost normal, or he can delude himself into thinking so.
kenta helps him with apartment hunting, and minhyun makes sure heās eating well, and jihoon offers his own form of support, in his typical nonchalant jihoon way, or maybe daniel just finds the consistency he brings comforting in a time of such turbulent change.Ā
he still feels that weight on his chest, though unveiling his secrets to his mother provided some relief. maybe itās spending so much time around sungwoon that makes it progressively harder to breathe, or the ever-present fear that heās overstaying his welcome with his friends, or his sudden dissatisfaction with the song heās practiced for the triple threat challenge, on top of everything else, but eventually he just needs to speak. minhyun becomes his unfortunate victim, and he tells him everything-- not naming names, of course, and the burden becomes easier to carry when itās shared with someone else. heās grateful.
still, he considers backing out of the triple threat challenge altogether. he just doesnāt know if heās up for it, and yet thereās some tiny flame in his soul that craves the stage again, as daniel, away from empty enigma and his storm of feelings and fears surrounding them. so, he does whatās natural: overhauls his performance and starts preparing a new song five days before the performances.
he doesnāt have anything against empty enigma; he loves them with all of his heart, actually, but heās introverted, and spending so much of his time around four other guys takes its toll, not even considering the one thatās in love with him whom he himself has undetermined feelings for (???). he wants to perform without them, and this seems like his best chance.
so heāll do it, and heāll do it with confidence, throwing caution to the wind.
-- after --
even with all of the performers preceding him, and their talent, he isnāt shaken. itās different from the mgas; he doesnāt feel so out of his element here, though heās far from a triple threat. he never claimed to be, and he wonāt. instead, he feels oddly settled-- ready, even as he cheers for joohyun and tries to maintain his composure during her performance. he sees other familiar faces too, both among the performances and those who havenāt performed just yet.
they call him up to wait backstage, and he does, trusty guitar hung over his shoulder, fingers tapping on the body of it, without a pick-- just him, his guitar, and his voice. just daniel, though maybe heāll bring a little bit of cameo too.
heās up next, and he strides onto the stage, and grins when he looks out over the crowd. empty enigmaās venues are always smaller-- darker lit. this is more reminiscent of the mgas, and he feels at home instead of daunted (though maybe still a little daunted.)
āiām kang daniel,ā he greets. again. do you remember me? he wouldnāt be surprised if no one remembers, but he hopes they do.Ā āthis is an ed sheeran song.ā heāll leave the title as a mystery for now.
he starts strumming, a quiet sound, and launches into the rhythmic singing-rapping style:
cause with the lyrics i'll be aiming it right
i won't stop until my name's in lights
with stadium heights, with damien rice
on red carpets, now i'm on arabian nights
because i'm young i know my brothers gonna give me advice
you need me, i donāt need you is a song with more spunk than daniel originally thought he was cut out for. who is he, someone no company has need of, to stand on stage and claimĀ āyou need me, i donāt need you?ā no one, really. he doesnāt know if he means it, though he doesnāt think he does need a big company to love music and succeed with it. empty enigma may be far from a famous, fortune-producing band, but they have their fans, and they have their heart in it, and thatās what matters to him. thatās what he wants to pursue, more than anything, and the longer he practiced this song, the more he believed it, even with all of its references he didnāt always understand-- even with its rapid-fire english that sometimes still felt more comfortable to him than korean.
but still, thereās very little time to breathe.
long nighter, right height and i gone hyper
never be anything but a singer-songwriter, yeah
the game's over but now I'm on a new level
watch how i step on the track without a loop pedal
he made small alterations to the lyrics during the preparation process to reflect him more, kang daniel, so it felt believable, because the song is nothing if not genuine. at itās core, itās about staying true to yourself, about not changing for others, and maybe he needed to perform this song instead of the one he practiced before it because itās so relevant. itās for his mom, and anyone that would look down on him for loving music, not just something cheeky to sing to tiger jkās face, though thatās an added bonus. (maybe, once the familiar performance bravado fades, heāll feel embarrassed. maybe the gall will disappear, and heāll be left with that even more familiar, ever-present fear. for now, he doesnāt feel it.)
people think that i'm bound to blow up
i've done around about a thousand shows but
i haven't got a house plus i live on a couch
so you believe the lyrics when i'm singing them out
wow, from day one i've been prepared
with V05 wax for my silver hair
so now i'm back to the sofa giving a dose of
what the future holds
again, the relevancy. itās only fitting he sing-raps a song about living on a couch while literally doing so, and that he can sing this is evidence of his growth. he says silver hair, a reference to cameo, his still ultimately secret empty enigma stage persona, with ease, something that wouldāve paralyzed him with fear around six months ago. for him, what the future holds is empty enigmaās album, and if this performance is at all impressive, theyāre so much stronger together.Ā
iāve still got a rucksack full of old clothes, i rap with the cold flows
iām back with the old jokes, in fact you donāt knowĀ āem
tracks that throw blows and make my punchlines relevant
if you canāt keep up youāre getting on my ???
my flowās developing, skin lacks the melanin
give me a shot of adrenaline and i get it in
do it for the hell of itĀ
ācause ever since i hit the mainstream with team c i seem to sell a bit
yes, do it for the hell of it, like heās doing this, right now. he wrote in a reference to his first team on the mgas, too-- team c, perhaps the only team that didnāt come up with a special team name that first week, replacing ed sheeranās original mention of his first single, the a-team. it seemed only fitting, if this song is about his journey now, too, and he wants it to be so.
i took my ??? back with the women
then i package the image
put in some content, then i sold it back as a gimmick
the fact is this
end up dating actresses
wake up on dirty mattresses
i think i need to practice this
this is the part of the song he canāt relate to as much, because as flirtatious as he is when cameo is on stage, and in the after-parties after, he does not wake up on dirty mattresses (except for that one time.) he didnāt rewrite it though, instead, keeping it in to keep the rhythm the same, and because it just seemed to suit the song. it wasnāt worth changing.Ā
the song is so fast, he doesnāt get a moment to rest from it, his mouth spitting line after line one after another. when he first started practicing, his tongue felt heavy in his mouth, like he was having an allergic reaction, and maybe he isnāt really a good enough rapper for this. maybe he didnāt give himself enough time to practice (though he already knew the song well before he even considered performing it, so that helped). in the end, itās fun, and thatās what matters most.
the next part might be his favorite:
but i make shit happen, call me a laxative
worldās on my shoulders, i donāt even know what atlas is
hot bars sharp like the cactus is
iām back to rapping back to backĀ ācause iāve been practicing
iām baptizing this
if only because he gets to say shit in front of tiger jk, and he will bear the consequences, should they come. heās already censoring the song further down the line, and if heās going to be ballsy enough to sing this song in the first place, heāll be ballsy enough to sing the word shit, damn it. the whole world was on his shoulders before he stepped on this stage, but he feels lighter now, suddenly, and heās been practicing too. rapping wasnāt a skill he really knew he possessed until now, but one he found himself enjoying, and dare he say, with a natural knack for. maybe some of that empty enigma screaming transferred over, and he wouldnāt be daniel without some reference to christianity, would he?
finally, the chorus comes, and itās the closest thing to a break he gets, returning to the more familiar comfort of all out singing.
cause you need me, man, i donāt need you
you need me, man, i donāt need you
you need me, man, i donāt need you at all
you need me, man, i donāt need you
you need me, man, i donāt need you
you need me, man, i donāt need you
you need me, man, i donāt need you, no
itās the first time he sings the words, and what the guitar crescendoed to up until now, and he keeps a confident, borderline smug look on his face-- tries to look toward tiger jk and make eye contact. if heās going to do it, he might as well sell it. heās heard the ceo appreciates boldness. maybe heāll entertain him, at the very least. or maybe the ceo willĀ think itās massively disrespectful. time will tell.
i'll keep my last name forever, keep this genre pretty basic
gonna be breaking into other people's tunes when i chase it
and replace it with the elephant in the room with a facelift
slipping into another rapper shoes using new laces
i'm selling CDs from my rucksack aiming for the papers
selling CDs from my rucksack aiming for the majors
nationwide tour with just jack, still had to get the bus back
clean cut kid without a razor for the moustache
another opportunity for him to change the lyrics to something to better suit him, because he admittedly doesnāt know what just jack is. his guess is a band that ed sheeran toured with, but he couldnāt come up with something that suited both himself and the song, so he kept it. empty enigma hasnāt done a nationwide tour, anyway; theyāre all just big dreams. theyāll still just be selling cds from a rucksack and aiming for the majors.
i hit back when the pen hurts me
i'm still a choir boy in a thin church tee
i'm still the same as a year ago
but more people hear me though
according to the naver and youtube videos
lyric changes this time: fenchurch to thin church, taking a brand name he didnāt understand to something that reflects his background, and how his first real introduction to music was in church-- how he first sang in a church choir and his mom only let him listen to christian music for the longest time. he changed myspace to naver, something more time-relevant and daniel relevant. a year ago was before he set foot on the mgas-- before he even knew he loved music, while he still wasnāt even sure if he loved empty enigma. he still thought it was all a phase, and something heād escape from, eventually returning to a life of safety and monotony.Ā even with the events of 2019, heās still glad for that year of difference. heās thankful.
the guitar all but cuts out, nothing but danielās voice and a few accents from strings for the next part:
i'm always doing shows if I'm not I'm in the studio
truly broke, never growing up, call me rufio
melody music maker, reading all the papers
they say iām up and coming like i'm effing in an elevator
ah yes, there it is: the elevator line, something he would not have the courage to sing by himself in the bathroom, let alone on stage in front of tiger jk and at least 100 people, were it not for the power of cameo. with this extra bravery, he sings it casually, as if itās the same as the other hundred lines heās spit. whatās more important: heās been working his ass off for music, as the lyrics suggest, and heāll find fulfillment in that, with or (preferably) without trcās help, that much is certain.
in comes the final hit of the chorus, the figurative sigh of relief and sign of his two minutes up on stage, jam-packed with content, coming to a close. itās the explanation point on the end of a performance he poured his heart into, both now and leading up to this.
'cause you need me, man, i donāt need you
you need me, man, i donāt need you
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Ā Ā Ā sheās humming to herself lightly, eyes scanning the stands table at the different assortment of keychains scattered about for purchase, and she canāt help the way her lips fall into a slight poutā normally, heejin wouldnāt pay much mind to small knickknacks or souvenirs like this ( small things were easily lost, the youngest jeon tending to misplace things without meaning to ), but sheād promised her sister sheād bring her back something from today while she was with jaehyun. so, when heād told her heād be right back, she figured itād be a good time to get her sister something.
Ā Ā Ā sheās glad the stand isnāt too crowded now, being able to take her time, and she reaches for two different keychains to compare. looking to her right for a moment, she figures she may as well get a second opinion, using a finger to give the boy next to her a poke on the arm. she holds them to him slightly, a brow raised. āif you had to choose, which of these would you pick?ā
they sit by themselves in a spot of the room although theyāre also surrounded by people. minseok didnāt get a lot of free time to go to the center due to his training schedule, but even after spending the day practicing, the boy still felt happy that they have a dance lesson to offer ā and the songs to choose from are also very fitting of his interest.
āthank you for coming with me.ā the smaller boy stretches his legs by reaching towards his feet. itās not that long of a journey but it serves its purpose. minseok had already visited the area with jiwoo and after not being able to spend much time there, decided to invite jihoon to come with him the day after. theyāve known each other for long now, and he always had the advantage when it came to dancing ( and also made sure to show it off during their game times ). choosing the other to join him only came naturally. āare you excited, too?ā
venue rehearsals for a stage like this arenāt too dissimilar to rehearsals for music show appearances, from what he can tell from his admittedly very limited experience. itās not been too long since they last stood on stage like this and definitely no longer than what feels like half a second since they last performed mansae, so he feels relatively comfortable with everything happening in his immediate vicinity. outsideĀ of his protective bubble, however, heās reminded of all the trainee and staff eyes watching him, knowing that heās an idolĀ now and has a reputation to uphold. feeling jihoonās arms wrap around his bicep brings him back down to earth, though, calms his racing thoughts as they stand backstage after the mr chu rehearsal. the wait until they perform their ownĀ tracks feels like itāll never end, the seconds ticking by slowly even as he bops his head to the loud beat of eclipseās debut song.Ā
( he hasnāt said anything because heās sure convex members ā definitely jihoon, since he was in kt ā know the eclipse girls and heād rather save himself the embarrassment of them finding out heās a fanboy, but he hasnāt stopped listening to the album since it came out. )
āyou doing okay? they really did follow through on their promise about the stage being covered, huh... I was a little worried coming over here that someone would get hurt again.ā he admits, a blush to his cheeks.Ā āthis whole event is really... big, isnāt it? but we can handle it; weāre convex.ā his teasing comes with a bright smile.Ā āmore importantly, though, weāre jicheol ā ready to take on the world at a momentās notice! right?āĀ
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With Convex making their debut, it was getting more and more difficult to see any of the guys that Seulgi had gotten to know over their time at Sphere. This was probably by design by the company, but it still felt weird that they didnāt get to see each other all the time like they had before.Ā That being said, when she did get the opportunity in the cafeteria to see one of them, she was going to take the opportunity to say hi.
āJihoon! Hi!ā Seulgi said, approaching him to say hello to the guy she had gone to high school with. Granted, they didnāt really know each other well, but it was still nice to see him around, especially after not seeing him for a bit. Ā āHow are you doing? Living the idol life now, huh?ā she gave him a bright smile, happy that theyād have this chance to talk. āIs it everything you were hoping for it to be?ā she hoped so, she didnāt know if she would ever have her time to debut, but she hoped it was worth it.Ā Ā
Congratulations for finally debuting, Jihoonie! Or should I call you Jace now? LOL. To all those who got Jihoon banners from me last night, thank you so much! Please keep on supporting Jace and the rest of CONVEX!Ā @jiho0nzzy
If you end up with Jace PCs, please send me a message. His mother would like to trade the one she got for Jaceās PCs. Thanks!Ā
Hold on girl, donāt ever
fall for someone else
Iām gonna get jealous
Hold on girl. From now on,
Iām gonna call you mine
Convexās perfectly mastered vocals blare into one wired earbud for the fourth time that evening. He canāt get the single out of his head, because itās good, because itās so good, and he hates it. There is no sign on his face that he can even hear the music playing in his ear, though itās loud enough to seep through wired parts and plastic. Instead he sits, on the edge of his chair, knee bouncing nervously as he flips through fifty pages of familiar faces painted in the technicolor shades of burgeoning fame.Ā
His face is unreadable to most who donāt know him well enough to see the envy leaking out of the corners of his expression the way his music leaks out of his headphones, just like his face was unreadable when he stood in line at the nearest music store, staring at their poster on the wall, accidentally tattooing every line and curve of it onto the back of his eyelids, the way the end of the X topped a perfect invisible plane that led straight to the tip of Baromās nose.Ā Then he slid the album across the counter, handed the cashier his card, returned her obligatory thank you with his own polite smile and nod of his head. Ah, so handsome, sheād said with a chuckle that was undoubtedly meant to be encouraging, as she bagged his copy of Boys Will Be in something crinkly and pink, you should audition for their company, you could be an idol like them...
āDo you want these?ā he finally breaks his determined, scrutinizing trance to look up at Heehyun with a twisting purse of his lips that somehow gives away everything hiding behind his eyes in spite of his best efforts, offering her the pair of glossy photo cards that had just slipped from between the pages of the album, one Jace and one Taeyong.Ā
