#jay jin

I don't love him because it's perfect love! I don't love him because he's an important person... or because he's flawless... or because he doesn't make any mistakes! I know we're fools... we've been stupid... we've been doing nothing but hurting each other, needlessly. We've done many things that we've regretted as soon as we looked back. And I know we've gone in circles... making simple things complicated. Both me and him. But does it have to be perfect to be called "love"? Is it worthy of being called "love", only when it's as pretty as a picture? I can't give up on him. I don't know how to give up on him. When I'm with him, I think of how I couldn't stand the time I spent without him... Those that we're together... are the only times I feel like I'm alive. To an outsider, it might look pathteic... But this is the only love for us. I guess we'll stay just as pathetic from now on, too. I doubt we'll mature all of a sudden, waking up one morning to find we've been reborn as perfect people... as if we were characters in some kind of novel. It's not as if we've graduated from all the stupid things that we've done so far. But... Even when I make mistakes, I'm going to make them with him! I'm saying, I want to do even the stupid things-- by his side, with him! If I'm hurting a man, it'll have to be him. When I fight, regret, what I've done, and apologize... That'll also be with him. With him, I'll feel pain. With him, I'll laugh. I'm going to keep him in my life. I'll eat by his side, sleep by his side, and wake up by his side. I'll share life's daily routines with him, every day. Just like that... I'll share the love we'll have with him... as he will with me. I'm going to be happy... together, with him.

Why on earth did any of that craziness over the past few years really happen? For what in the world did we go through so much pain? For what were we dealt such pain, and why did we inflict such pain on other people? We tried to heal our souls that kept crying out in agony, by pointing the blades of our knives at those around us. But, honestly... We accomplished nothing more than lying awake sleepless night, full of futile regrets... And we revealed nothing but our own ugliness in the end. Even after all that, there's only a tiny piece of my pride that's left. Deep inside me... And then, the fear of collapsing... If I were to finally give up that last piece... I can't honestly reveal my truths. And I turn around... swallowing the last lie to myself... 'There was nothing else I could do.' 'There was nothing else I could do.' And it's only then that I come to realize... What it is I've truly lost.

I'm not going to be trapped. I won't draw boundaries and limit myself of living inside of them. No matter what I go through from now on... No matter how hurt or exhausted I get... If I refuse to give up on myself... Then that's not really the end, is it?

tbh