#oppa

The shower was almost pointless. April weather is brutal in Korea. The entirety of the drive you shamelessly had your armpits held up against the car vents while simultaneously eating a sleeve of your favorite cookie: Yakgwa. Luckily there's a shower at the YG building so you can just shower again after practice.

The practice room was not steamy yet so at least they hadn't started without you. You really thought that Seoul traffic was going to screw you. Everyone was in the center except Jiyong. He was sat to the right of the room with the book you left phew days ago placed in his lap.

Seems like he really did get lazy with his excuses if he didn't even bring your book with him that day. You didn't have a choice but to approach him. ''안녕 (Annyeong)'' .

He smiled in return. You were once again contradicted. You were glad he was no longer upset, but also heated that he got over your guy's argument so fast.

'' I actually do have your book this time'' Jiyong holds the book up & thats when you see it. A small daisy resting in between the pages.

Your favorite flower.

Taking the book from his hands, your fingers slightly brush against his. You can feel your heart beating, your palms started sweating. After all this time he still makes you feel this way and you hated it. You hated how hard it was for you to stay mad at him. ''I guess this is a peace offering?''

Jiyong stood grabbing the daisy from in between the pages and gently places it in your hair ''Jolgi''.

His hands now cupping your face. The two of you hardly kissed unless it was during sex, and even then it was not common. His words just now , the way he's touching you. You would bet on everything he was going to kiss you.

He doesn't. Instead he lets go of your face. ''Did you eat?'''.

You hid the disappointment well, you've been doing this for years.

Remembering that the sleeve of Yakgwa was in your gym bag you show him the almost empty pack which he then happily stole the last two cookie's. ''Eh Oppa I was going to finish those'''.

Jiyong licks the honey residue off his fingers ''You need something better then just cookies''

You explained to him that you weren't hungry anymore. Plus it didn't matter cause the groups going out to eat after practice like always. Eventually Jiyong left you alone about it which was strange but he did interpret the argument earlier as that you needed space.

It was defiantly not healthy that you're still containing your feeling's & not saying what you want to say--you were curious how far you were willing to break yourself down for the sake of your friendship with him. Thats what makes it even worse, yes the sex was casual but the two of you were really close. Eventually he dropped the conversation.

Today's practice wasn't being led by Jiyong, everyone had the stage performance for last dance down. This was a choreography for an upcoming song you and Jiyong were working on.

When he told you the premise for the song you were nervous how CEO YG was going to like it. The lyrics were pretty explicit.

YG was in the room today & if that wasn't odd enough--you were also front and center with the guys watching behind you. You didn't mind being the main attraction this time around but also curious which dance was only meant for you.

The dance instructor stood beside you, your eyes steady on her-- ready to mimic her movement.

The instrumental part of the song teddy composed played subtly in the background. She moved slow first--giving you time to imitate. ''Make sure your hand stays raised, keep your fingers straight''.

The instructor moved quicker now with you matching her steps exactly. You always picked up choreography quickly. With the phew movements you were shown now memorized you had a chance to glance at Jiyong in the mirror instead of yourself--he and the other three now sitting on the floor watching you.

Never did you feel self conscious to preform in front of them. Although with YG being there defiantly kept you on your toes. You figured he was here to scold for the explicit lyrics

The instructor stops suddenly--moving in front of you instead of her original place beside you.

Her eyes immediately goes to the guys--who quickly stood up as she spoke ''Because of the explicit lyrics to this song--we've agreed that y/n dance part should match them. This will be a different dance for her, she will have an individual part with each of you. For the sake of your group & the sake of y/n modesty we do not want to see any inappropriate behavior outside of the dance from any of you. Please remember, you are family.''

Oh. That's why CEO YG is here. The guy's all nod their head in unison.

The music volume raised slightly as the instructor moved beside you once again. Your eyes lock in on her hands as they are the first to move, she moves them from her chest down.. tracing the outline of her body till they come to a halt by her hips. You follow.

You absolutely understood now the reasoning for CEO YG being here. The dance continued with suggestive movements but instead of being embarrassed you embraced it. This was the first time you've done a choreography like this and you were honestly having fun.

Being flexible was defiantly an advantage for you in this case. You watch in the mirror as the instructor continued with you matching her perfectly--you both slowly slide to the floor in a split--then transition to a sitting position with your legs widely spread out and quickly close. This dance was replayed over three different times for you to memorize.

Finally your solo ends-- you lay on your back just trying to catch your breath when you lock eyes with Jiyong in the mirror, his hands trying to cover his boner. You sit up quickly hoping YG doesn't notice him, the guys clap loudly & you bow. This was the first time you had a solo part in a choreography and they're proud.

YG also stood clapping along with them ''I like it. Now what do you think you need to work on involving this solo section y/n?''

This is something he would do back in your trainee days--have you all stand in line after practice and ask you this exact question. You felt that nauseating feeling just like you did years ago.

You swallow the Yakgwa you feel sneaking up your throat ''My legs at the split ...it could be straighter''

He looks pleased with that answer and just nods. YG stayed in the room for the rest of the practice watching closely. You did manage to straighten your split and eventually got to your individual parts with the guys.

It wasn't as bad as you thought, honestly your solo was more erotic. Your part with Taeyang was just him spinning you which then you land in Daesung arms & you're supposed to fluff his hair--moving on to Hyung where his hand was placed on your head while you faced him as he gently pushes you down. Lastly your part with jiyong was his hands resting on your hips as the two of you move side to side.

As awkward as your part with Hyung was, you were professional the entire way through. Not only because CEO YG was there but you completely locked in--you were always known for being naturally professional when in a work setting,

Nothing was said to Jiyong about 'inappropriate behavior' as the instructor called it-- it was luckily missed. The group performed this dance for the next six hours & was able to leave around 7PM--going out to eat like always.

You thought the heat from the hot pot would not feel great after six hours in a steamy practice room but the smell of the food and the influence of soju in everyones system made it as if the heat was not a bother at all. You could somewhat handle your liquor but you were never able to drink as much as them. The four of them were already on their third bottle. You were only on your second.

Jiyong was mixing your favorite meat in the hot pot, you were basically drooling watch it sizzle. ''Eh Hyung if you keep going like that we'll be here all night'' Seunghyun was on his knees in the booth holding Taeyangs hand, apologizing about a variety of random things. This was how he was when he drank. He let go and Taeyang gave him a napkin to wipe any tears. Soju hits them all very differently. Because Jiyong feels hot when he drinks you always instinctively gently dab the back of of your hand on his cheeks---but because you were already a little tipsy after drinking for the past hour Jiyong took care of you this time. Every once in a while feeding you a piece of Bulgogi (불고기).

Seunghyun took a bit of the dangmyeon before it was all gone. They all avoided taking your favorite part of the hotpot cause they know when you drink it's also the most you eat. But you were also annoyingly honest when drunk, and this you hated.

Swallowing the bit of Bulgogi Jiyong just gave you-- the brutally honest part of yourself decided to come out ''Oppa I can't eat anymore, I wish you all would eat some of the Bulgogi  as well''. Jiyong didn't listen, only your mouth was full of the meat.

The group was now on their 4th bottle of soju but Jiyong cut you off after your third, which you were annoyed about at the time but you'll be thanking him tomorrow. It was Late & you were tired which Jiyong noticed. Just like he did a phew days ago-- he gently placed your head on his shoulder, almost instantly you start falling asleep. You couldn't hear what they were saying anymore but you heard the shuffling of everyone getting up.

Thats when you said it. Something really stupid that you prayed tomorrow you won't remember. ''I want to come back with you Oppa, your bed is way more comfy'' You grab at Jiyongs sleeve hoisting yourself up, the group was laughing but you were too tipsy to realize why. Eventually you felt yourself against Jiyongs chest, embracing his cologne--he was leading the two of you to the car.

Suddenly you felt nervous that he didn't hear you before and was sending you home. ''Ehh wait Oppa--where are we going''

Jiyong smiles putting on the seatbelt for you--he was SO going to tease you about this tomorrow ''We are going to my place'' .

The ride seemed long to you but you knew it really wasn't. Jiyong kept giving you water which has honestly been helping you sober up. Once the car finally parked you were surprised you haven't vomited yet from the motion sickness. You had it bad but it's always worse after a phew drinks--however the elevator ride up was defiantly a struggle--you can already feel the Soju threatening to come up. But once the elevator came to a halt the soju settled again.

Jiyong puts in the code for his door and right away Zoa & Lye come running to your feet---just like Bingso does when Jiyong comes to your place. You knelt down petting them both. Zoa looked a little chubby but you would never say that out loud and hurt her feelings, although you have mentioned it to Jiyong. Knowing your way around you pick up zoa & head to the kitchen where he keeps beat juice for you.

He stayed silent watching you drink. You have a sneaking suspicion he wants to say something but wont. Was this about the argument? --putting down the glass & zoa-- you figured you should ask ''Everything ok Jiyong?''

You can see him pondering on how to respond. His eyes glancing upwards. ''This is probably not the best time to bring this up, I don't know if you're sober enough for this conversation''

You were still slightly drunk but not bad enough where you couldn't hold a conversation--But did you want to grasp on to this opportunity to talk this out?, or did you not want to risk getting hurt if he's doesn't say what you're expecting? ...fuck it. You have years of hurt. what's a little more.

''I'm Sober enough.''

Jiyong searches your eyes for a second, trying to see if what you're saying is the truth. ''As the leader it's my job to make sure everyone is doing well in the group. What we have... did you really mean it when you said it's a distraction?''

You couldn't help but to scoff ''Thats exactly the question isn't it?'' You mock him almost child-like ''What DO we have Jiyong? what is this exactly?''

This was it--this was when you were going to say everything you've been wanting to say, the consequences didn't matter anymore and that's mainly because of the soju.

Jiyong was defiantly taken back by your bluntness. ''Eh? y/n I've known you since you were nineteen..we're very close you know that''. He wasn't getting what you were saying--and if he did then he was sure ignoring it.

Jiyong's choice of words were frustrating. he hated labels but acted the part, so you always wondered what's so bad about giving his part a name?

The tears were threatening your eyes again 'We are more than close Jiyong. You're not only my friend, we've crossed that line years ago and you want to sweep it under the rug saying we're just close. What's the sex then nothing!?''

He steps closer breaking the short distance between the both of you ''The sex, this is about the sex?''

Jiyong was obviously flustered not expecting this conversation. His fingers graze through his black hair. ''I thought you understood. This part of our life together it's casual sex''

He was struggling with his words. It may not seem like it but the last thing he wants to do is hurt you. To comfort you he holds your face in his hand.

It took everything in you to not sink into his touch, savoring every last minute of it. 'I'm glad that I've been giving myself to you for casual'' your voice was cracking at this point.

How could this be all this meant to him.

You were over this conversation, just wanting to leave. You push his hand away making your way out of his apartment but quickly he grabs you.

''Wait y/n don't leave''

Angrily you shove him off ''Eh! You don't get to touch me like that anymore. I gave myself to you and it meant nothing''

Jiyong stood there letting you hit his chest with each word. ''You made me fall for you. It's your fault''

Jiyong guides your head into his chest while you wept. Your tears soaking his shirt. He stayed silent. He didn't mean to make you fall for him and he felt stupid that all these years he had no idea he was doing just that. Raising your head gently you look into his eyes, the silence was everything to you. nothing needed to be said because it was all stated in the silence.

Once again you're torn from being angry at him to just wanting to be here in his arms for however long he'll have you. As if he read your mind his eyes stayed locked into yours as he leaned in to kiss you. This wasn't a loving kiss, a romantic kiss, it was an angry sloppy kiss and he matched your energy right away.

Jiyong picks you up & without his lips leaving yours. He not so gently places you on the counter. ''Take this off'' his hands impatiently pull down your pants as he centers himself in between your legs. Your unsteady hands tug on his pants but he doesn't wait till they're all the way down.

You both groan now that he's inside you, one hand on your thigh and the other against the wall holding himself up. With your free hands you guide him out of his shirt, the pressure of his thrusts making you leave scratch marks along his tatted body. He moaned an approval.

By instinct your hands go to his now sweaty hair, tugging his face away from your neck. He looked into your eyes and his rhythmic thrusts speed up.

Thats when you saw it, the want the urge and the longing stirring in his eyes. And that was a reminder that this is all that is. Longing, an urge a want.

Suddenly your longing subsides. His weight no longer comforting just suffocating

Your hands go straight to his shoulders bracing to push him ''Get off''

Jiyongs head perks up but his thrusts are still relentless ''Eh?''

This time you stood pushing him fully off you. This wasn't a moment you wanted with him anymore, you can give yourself to him when it means so little. Your unsteady hands grasp at your clothes attempting to put them on.

Jiyong does the same ''Are you ok? did I hurt you?''

Yes. Yes you did. You didn't know what to say anymore but you knew you needed him to leave. Even though this is his apartment.

''Get out'' before jiyong could get a chance to respond let alone put his shirt on you were shoving him towards the door.

His hands desperately cling on to the walls as you push him ''Whaa y/n but this is my apartment''

Jiyong absolutely could have overpowered you and not have had to leave, but he didn't. He let you take your anger out, let you push him all the way out of his own apartment because he knew he hurt you in a way that may not be recoverable. With one more final push he was out the door completely, his lock automatically clicking in.

There Jiyong stood without a shirt, kicked out of his own place and he knew he deserved every second of it.

He pressed his forehead against the cold door staying just like that for a phew moments ,drowning in his own self pity when a voice he knows all too well interrupts his thoughts. ''Jiyong?''

Seunghyun stood just a foot away from him, Jiyong couldn't help but to notice he was also holding two bags of what looked like food. ''Why are you standing out here?''

Hyung glanced down noticing not only that Jiyong was shirtless but his back was full of scratches. That part he didn't bring up, he figured it was from you.

Feeling awkward now Jiyong wraps his arms around himself ''Ah well you see y/n and I'' a deep sigh escapes his lips, he can't get your crying face out of his head & it's killing him

''We had a disagreement''

Hyung gets closer now getting a better look at him & couldn't help but to laugh. The fact that your small self managed to push Jiyong out of his own apartment was hilarious. ''Mmm, and I am guessing we can't go inside?''

he raises the bags in both hands ''Is she ok? I brought over the left overs y/n didn't finish. I want her to eat more''

Jiyong grab's the bags from Seunghyun taking a glance inside ''She just needs time. We got to put this in the fridge and I'll just give it to her tomorrow. Could I stay by for the night ?''

Hyung laughs, putting his arm around Jiyong.

All he can do right now is give you space. The both of you need to process what you said and the repercussions of your five year hook up.