#jax analysis

I never knew this part of you

I mean, just look at her body language in the last two

She looks comfortable here, and I know that if I (transmasc) was forced into a dress against my will, it would not take that small amount of time to become relaxed, even around people I know and trust

Now that might not apply to everyone, but it definitely has more transfem vibes to me

And also, if she wanted to keep up the ‘pinnacle of masculinity’ act, then surely she would have acted angry and uncomfortable the whole time

The “this is real” scene is insanely important for Jax’s arc, and here’s why.

Jax’s Dissociation from Reality

The reason Jax says “this is real” when he hears Kinger become coherent and explain the creation of Caine isn’t because he’s shocked that this isn’t a video game afterall. Jax says himself in episode 5 that he only later convinced himself all they were is cartoon characters.

The key phrase being, “I thought we were [people] at first.” He knew the circus was real when he first showed up, but as he remained trapped there and time went on, he told himself that everyone was just archetypes, including himself, that no one was real at all. He was lying to himself, but this goes a lot deeper than just denial.

Jax is dissociating, to some agree, at all times.

We can see specific moments he blocks everything out when he physically shuts down— all those scenes where his eyes get huge and he mentally clocks out.

But deeper than these spells of blocking out the world, Jax is dissociating on a much larger scale. He’s not just in denial— he’s experiencing derealization and depersonalization.

Derealization: the perception that the world is not real. Depersonalization: the perception that the self is not real.

Jax isn’t just in a state of denial; his perception of reality is warped, not because he actually thought they were in a video game the whole time, but because his surroundings were so terrible he was unable to confront reality and he retreated into the back of his mind.

This is obvious with the way Jax reacts to Kinger telling them about the lore. The moment Kinger becomes coherant, Jax is immediately distressed.

In the last episode, Abel’s adventure wasn’t real. Even if Jax himself bought it in the end, once it was over, it was fairly obvious how Caine pulled the strings. But Kinger becoming stable and spilling insane secrets was something Jax never saw coming. And most importantly, it was a huge deviation from Kinger’s archetype.

Jax can’t deny the situation anymore. This is the moment the illusion starts to break, and he is pushed from the dissociation, pushed from his safe place, all at once.

He wasn’t overreacting— he had been living in a state of foggy emptiness for years, and he was forced to face real life all at once.

And for Jax, there is nothing more terrifying than reality.

To the extent that in episode 7, he would rather continue to play pretend in the circus than go back to the real world. Because this is easier. Shutting off his attachment to everything around him is easier than seeing himself as a person. In episode 8, when reality sets in, Jax is forced to face not just his actions, not just his life, not just the circus, but he is forced to confront that *he* is real. There are only ever so many layers of masks that can keep him safely hidden inside, and now they’ve all been peeled back.

Jax has been totally emotionally and mentally gutted. He is a Jax that, for the first time, is processing the fact that he and his pain actually exist in any way that means anything.

And how is Jax supposed to face himself?

You just gave me an excuse to go on an analytical rant, including the similarities between Jax and Zooble's defense mechanisms. (I swear it's related) YIPPIE. At first, surprised. Confused. Disturbed by events they don't understand yet. Everything has been intimately off since the very beginning of the video recording, and that moment added an extra layer of wrongness. Not because of the suicidal intonations of the scene, mind you, but because of the intensity of both Jax's and Pomni's parts in the deal. The fact that it doesn't feel like a joke to either of them. If this had been any other day, any other situation, they wouldn't have cared. Or they would have, in the sense that they would have thought Jax was being a terrible, no good person that was pushing things too far, and that Pomni had gotten close and believed he might not be, only to get pied in the face by reality. Most of the crew think they understand Jax, mostly because they believe Jax's 'fun but in an asshole way' mask is real. And it is, the mask is an inherent part of Jax at this point, but the extent that Jax is willing to push things is not the same the others THINK he's willing to go. Jax has a limit, the others might not think so. But even though he's an asshole, Jax is still 'the funny guy', okay? As much of an asshole that he is, most of the shit he pulls has some...purpose. A joke, a painful but 'carefree' punchline. He's always insisting not to take thing seriously, but there's nothing 'carefree' going on here. He's pushing Pomni away, and while the crew would expect that out of him (namely Ragatha, Zooble and perhaps Gangle) because he's an asshole like that...everything else is wrong in this picture. One step away from being broken, ill-sided.

Jax is trying VERY hard to prove a point. It's so visible to them because Jax hardly tries HARD to do anything. And yet he's willing to lose the gun, lose the battle, lose the chaos and everything expected of him, to take the hit and run. Before Pomni began asking him questions, he simply told her to shoot him. There was no flare, no punchline. Just a 'go ahead'. Carefree, yes. But there was no laughing track that followed.

First, the blink-and-you-miss-it hug. Second, the spaced-out hand staring. Third, Jax giving his gun away. Fourth, the insistence. The insistence, the insistence, the insistence. The more Pomni tries to breach the distance, the more ups the stakes. To the point where he points the gun at himself. And that's the thing. If it was just about the game, he would have shot himself. But that was NEVER the point. Jax wanted POMNI to be the one to cut the chord, put the distance first.

Now, what would the crew think? Someone like Ragatha, who tries to pull people IN rather than pushing them away, is dreadfully confused. For several reasons. So are the rest. And yet, I think ZOOBLE is the one who gets some sort of realization, here. Zooble also works on Jax's 'don't care' defense mechanism persona, just not to his extent. Not as hard, but enough to be avoidant of their own insecurities with other people, to barely talk about them with Gangle, even when given the chance. Zooble never DID tell Gangle 'actually, yeah, I also struggle with shit, man. In fact, Im dead-deep into a pit of self hate, too'. when Gangle asked 'did you ever have to make that choice?' But they didn't, because Zooble ALSO keeps themselves emotionally safe by setting some distance. Distance that Jax is clearly putting in between himself and Pomni. It's enough for Zooble to understand, enough to see through what Jax is doing then and there.

she’ll just keep looking.

Imagine: your loved ones, your family, suddenly died. Everything is over, no one is left. And you are so shocked that your brain blocks this memory and all emotions — it shuts down so as not to explode.

Nothing makes sense anymore; meaning died with them. Everything around you becomes empty; you feel neither good nor bad emotions. The world stopped at that moment. The only thing that exists is distraction, in which you have to run, fight, roleplay and complete tasks.

And you dive into it very actively: your brain thinks only about what is happening at this second. It helps.

When this distraction breaks down or becomes monotonous, you get tired, sad and angry. Without distraction all you feel is pain in your chest and deadly fatigue.

At some point during the distraction, you run with someone on the team. They are fun, interesting, and you work well together. They are so similar to your family that you feel at home and safe again. Calm.

And then you take first place together and this person hugs you.

The contact brings you back to your senses and all the memories come flooding back. You are still emotionally numb, but you realize that positive feelings are associated with fear, horror, unbearability and pain on a subconscious level.

The closeness is comparable to a forest fire, to the end of the world all over again. There is emptiness and deadly silence before your eyes.

You involuntarily break free, pushing the person away from you. Muffled feelings, like a crack in the ice, begin to surface, and you are terrified.

The person tries to make contact again, but you are no longer there, it is not you. It has not been you for a long time.

You try to escape from a danger that cannot be escaped, which is not even a danger. You scream, you shout insults, just to drive these feelings away.

You sit down in a secluded place. The pain does not go away, it drips and drips onto your inflamed brain, stinging more and more each time.

...

You can no longer keep it inside: you rush into the bathroom and turn on the water to calm your mind. This day has affected you, keeping up appearances is now not only difficult, it has ceased to matter.

Of course, you still try to squeeze something out of yourself, but everyone, even those detached, is beginning to notice that something is wrong.

This hole is bigger than you, heavier. You completely distance yourself, existing by inertia.

This tether to the departed refashions grief into a strange, enduring intimacy.

You are as if in a delirium: death beckons, it seems comfortable and soothing. You realize that it has long been more attractive than reality.

You have no strength left. You give up.

...

Without justifying Jax's behavior, this part so clearly shows how guilty he feels over essentially sabotaging whatever bond he had with Pomni

If he truly didn't care, he wouldn't look so torn up. And this is talking about the KING of masking btw

Granted he chose to sit at the back of the theater away from the main crew, and this is probably one reason why (besides just generally not wanting to be near them)

Plus these expressions he pulled earlier, with his back turned to Pomni so she couldn't see, right before he put back on his broken smile

This man has no idea what to do with himself.