#janusa

Five years ago Magnus left. He had to. Alexander sacrificed the thing he cared about the most, had sacrificed them, so that he could get his magic back from Asmodeus. Magnus knew he could have no place here after that, not once word got around as to what happened. Isabelle? Jace? Clary? They’d never forgive him. Raphael just lost his own immortality, so Magnus gaining his back felt like rubbing that loss in his face. And Catarina… all it took was seeing the disappointment in her eyes when he told her what happened, the hurt when he had to explain to Madzie why her two favorite uncles couldn’t watch her together any more, before he knew he needed to leave so the people he hurt could heal.

It was a self-imposed exile, a punishment he never intended to come back from. He didn’t think he could ever face Alec again. Instead Magnus spent three years traveling the world, restating himself as Magnus Bane, the warlock with all the power of a Prince of Edom. He rebuilt his reputation from the ground up, helping anyone who asked and cultivating favors and rewards across the globe, creating the persona of someone so much more than the High Warlock of only Brooklyn. He went anywhere he was called to help whoever was in the most need - anywhere except New York.

That was up until two years ago, when the Shadow World was on the brink of war and Lorenzo pulled himself - and everyone who followed him - out of the allegiance of not just the Cabinet, but all other factions of the Shadow World, to take care of his own people and let the others fight their battles without the much needed aid of Warlocks.

But when the fight came to the Warlocks they stood entirely alone, outnumbered and overpowered, and after offering no aid of their own the others felt no need to come to their rescue. Lorenzo’s selfishness would’ve been their collapse if Catarina and a select group of others hadn’t called Magnus back to help. It took every favor owed to him from the previous three years, but it was enough. And in the end they begged him to return to the position of the High Warlock of Brooklyn.

He didn’t want to agree, but when it came down to a vote and Alexander voted in favor, Magnus hoped it might be a sign that things might be salvageable between them. It wasn’t. And in the two years that followed Alec never spoke a word to him that wasn’t a professional courtesy if he could help it.

That was two years ago, and today isn’t any different.

Maia and Lily are quick to leave, chattering excitedly between themselves over some Halloween plans involving Maia dressing as a vampire and Lily donning a werewolf costume. Magnus and Alec are the only ones left. “Goodnight, Mr. Bane.” Alec says with a curt head nod.

Magnus knows he should say goodbye and take his leave, but he can’t. Not today.

“It’s been five years,” he blurts out instead, watching as Alec freezes.

“It has,” Alec says, but only once it becomes obvious that Magnus isn’t leaving without some response. His words are short and Magnus blatantly ignores the tone that clearly says ‘now get the fuck out of my office’.

“Do you ever regret it?” Magnus glances down at the Lightwood ring that rests on a chain around Alec’s neck. Izzy told him once that Alec wore it there every day since Magnus left. Magnus tries not to think about it (and the promise it once held) too much. Which of course means that he thinks about it all the goddamn time.

“Do you regret having your magic back?” Alec counters defensively, and Magnus sighs. He doesn’t know what he thought would happen when he asked, and he isn’t about to lie for sympathy points.

“No,” he admits, because it’s the truth. “But I regret what it cost me.” It’s the closest he’s come to apologizing to Alec. The closest he’s allowed himself to breaching the gap between them and admitting that yes, he needed his magic, but that never meant he didn’t need Alec, too.

“Don’t, Magnus. I can’t do this. Not today.” Alec runs a hand through his hair in distracted frustration and Magnus sees the freshly split skin across the Shadowhunter’s knuckles. His chest tightens, the implications of the simple injury too heavy to ignore.

“Alexander-” the word slips from his lips instinctively, like falling back into a first language. He hasn’t said it in five years before this moment, but instead of the comfort it once brought he watches Alec flinch away at the sound of it.

“Don’t.”

“Alec, please-” Magnus tries again, but he doesn’t get very far before Alec cuts him off a second time.

“No. You don’t get to do this to me. You don’t get to pretend to care all of a sudden.” There’s an edge of desperation to Alec’s words, as if instead of trying to comfort him Magnus is actively aiming to cause him pain, when that’s the last thing he wants to do. Surely Alec knows that?

“It isn’t- Alec, I never stopped caring about you.” He can’t fathom Alec actually needing to hear that to know it, but he says it just the same.

“You wanted nothing to do with me. You left for years. Years, Magnus, without a single word. I gave you my ring and you left it behind like it meant nothing to you! Like I meant nothing to you.”

There are tears in Alec’s eyes and Magnus closes his own quickly to avoid the same reaction. He takes a breath, bringing the dizzying rush of emotions he feels under control before opening his eyes again and doing his best to explain. He doesn’t know why he never tried before now, why he left Alec to think all this time that he meant so little to him when that couldn’t be further from the truth.

“I left so you could heal. So you could move on without me lingering over your shoulder.  I owed you at least that much, after everything you sacrificed for me. That’s why I left the ring -- it belonged to whoever you would give your heart to after me. I lost the right to keep it the moment I let you make that deal for me.” He knows it isn’t fair, but he needs Alec to know. Even if Alec only hates him more for it, he has to know that Alec at least knows the truth.

“There was never going to be anyone else. That’s why I gave it to you. I knew-” Magnus waits on edge for what Alec says next, but something in his expression shifts and he shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter now. It’s been years; we’ve both moved on with our lives.”  

“Have we?” Magnus challenges. He tried a few times over the years, but it never lasted long. No one could compare, no one could even come close to what he felt with Alec, and after a while he simply stopped trying. And if watching Alec over the last two years, paired with the updates he occasionally got from Isabelle, told Magnus anything, it’s that Alec never even started trying.

“No,” Alec admits. Magnus sees a flicker of a smile cross Alec’s face for just a second, but it’s enough to create a spark of hope within him. “I suppose we haven’t. But it isn’t like we can just pretend the last five years never happened, either. Like I didn’t spend months of my life so devastated I could barely get out of bed every morning I woke up alone and remembered-” Alec cuts himself off abruptly. “I’m sorry. I can’t just go back to the way things were before.”

Magnus nods, and it takes all of his self-control not to beg for a second chance, to tell Alec that he still loves him, that he never stopped and he never will. He’s been selfish enough with Alec’s emotions for one lifetime. So instead he says, “Don’t apologize. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.” And then, after a beat. “You’re right. We can’t go back... but maybe we can move forward?”

“I’m not so sure that’s a great-”

“I’m not saying get back together, just... We can get coffee. Talk. See if there’s something left to salvage.” Magnus thinks there is. He hopes there is. And if what Alec said earlier about there not being anyone else for him after Magnus was true, he’s willing to take the risk on some part of Alec feeling the same.

“Alright,” Alec says, looking a little surprised at his own agreement. Magnus is certain he mirrors that surprise. “But you’re buying.”

“Anything you say, Alexander,” Magnus says, and this time Alec doesn’t flinch away.

This time it brings them closer again.

 ---

 Sometimes, when they’re in the same room, Alec wonders if Magnus knows how impossible it is for Alec to simply exist in the same space as him. The first months after Magnus left Alec spiralled - some days he could barely drag himself out of bed and others he threw himself at every mission he could until he was too exhausted to think, or feel, or do anything other than work and sleep. After a while he learned to adjust, but he couldn’t find it in himself to even think about dating, because he never stopped loving Magnus, even after everything. Every day hurt a little less, but every day still hurt. In fact, Alec couldn’t imagine anything would hurt more than Magnus leaving... that was, until Magnus came back.

Lorenzo was a disaster, breaking up the Cabinet and creating unnecessary rifts between the Warlocks and every other faction of the Shadow World. His selfishness put them all in danger. Replacing never should’ve been in question but when Magnus came back to the city and talk turned to him taking the title of High Warlock back, all eyes turned to Alec. He knew if he spoke out against it he would get full support - after three years of dedicating his life to defending the city he more than earned it. But Alec also knew what an asset having Magnus back would be to the Shadow World as a whole, and so Alec locked away his personal trauma for the sake of being a good leader.

Some days are easier than others to smile and nod and pretend like he’s entirely unaffected, but this day in particular is always the worst.

Five years ago today. Alec knew the date, how could he not? But he didn’t realize that date fell on the first Wednesday of the month when they set up October’s Cabinet meeting, and by the time he noticed he refused to cancel because of it. He didn’t want Magnus to see it as a sign that he still hurts, that he still cares.

Even if he does both of those things far more than he wants to admit.

So now they sit across from one another, Magnus a vision in crimson and black, eyeliner as sharp as his wit while he and Lily share a back-and-forth over something that Alec tunes in and out of. Maia meets his gaze with a sympathetic smile and he returns the gesture knowing they’ll talk later no matter how much he insists that he’s fine.

A few times he nearly cuts the meeting short, rushing as much as he can without being obvious about it. He makes it through in one piece and breathes a sigh of relief as they conclude, waiting for Magnus to leave alongside the others -- except he doesn’t.

Instead, Magnus brings up the anniversary, and Alec is so full of dread that it roots him to the spot when all he wants to do is run.

“Do you regret it?” Magnus asks, and Alec could laugh if he wasn’t so impossibly heartbroken. He doesn’t regret it - he can’t, not when it was everything Magnus needed. Alec heard talk of him the years he was gone, following Magnus’ kind deeds and heroics through casual gossip and a few feelers he occasionally out for word of him. And looking at him now, thriving after years of traveling the world before settling back into his position of the High Warlock of Brooklyn, he’d do it all again.How could he regret the gift that gave the man he loves his entire life - his very sense of self - back?

He can’t say that, though. He can’t tell Magnus that he still loves him, even after all this time. That it kills him to sit in these meetings and treat him like a stranger, and yet the alternative would hurt so much more.

So instead he deflects. “Do you regret having your magic back?”

“No,” Magnus admits, and for a moment Alec feels validated.  “But I regret what it cost me.”

“Don’t, Magnus. I can’t do this. Not today.”  Alec already had two breakdowns that day in anticipation of this stupid meeting, of seeing him, today of all days. He spent the entire morning taking his emotions out on the punching bag in the training room, the sting still lingering in his fingers even now, hours later; that was after a restless night spent waking up in tears over and over again. He just needs today to be over.

He needs this conversation to be over.

“Alexander-” Magnus starts, and Alec is almost too startled at the sound of his full name coming from his ex’s lips to notice Magnus’ eyes focused on his hands. Almost. Once he does Alec snaps his arm down to his side before bringing his hands to clasp behind his back.

“Don’t.” Alec repeats. He means for it to come out as an order, but instead it’s pleading and he hates himself for the desperation of it.

“Alec, please-”

“No. You don’t get to do this to me. You don’t get to pretend to care all of a sudden.” It comes out in a burst of anger and he’s furious with Magnus for bringing all of this up, for ruining the peace they had since his return to the city.

“It isn’t- Alec, I never stopped caring about you.” Alec hears the words but he can’t believe them. Not with how easily Magnus walked away, vanishing from his life without a trace.

“You wanted nothing to do with me. You left for years. Years, Magnus, without a single word. I gave you my ring and you left it behind like it meant nothing to you! Like I meant nothing to you.” He swore to himself he’d be fine, that seeing Magnus today would be just like seeing him any other day. But, of course, this is far from any other day. It’s the anniversary of the worst day of his life, and now he’s reliving every second of it in his mind. Alec feels the sting of tears in his eyes and blinks them away furiously.

“I left so you could heal. So you could move on without me lingering over your shoulder. I owed you at least that much, after everything you sacrificed for me. That’s why I left the ring -- it belonged to whoever you would give your heart to after me. I lost the right to keep it the moment I let you make that deal for me.”

Alec stares, his hand instinctively reaching up to the ring on the thin silver chain around his neck. When he came back that night to find the ring left behind on the dresser it hurt more than realizing Magnus left without a word. It was bad enough to know that he wasn’t enough, but coming home to discover Magnus deliberately left that last memory of him behind felt like the final nail in the coffin.

“There was never going to be anyone else,” Alec admits, the words barely more than a whisper. “That’s why I gave it to you. I knew-” his throat tightens and he swallows hard against the swell of emotion. He shouldn’t. He shouldn’t expose himself like this. Another deep breath and he steels himself again. “It doesn’t matter now.  It’s been years; we’ve both moved on with our lives.”

“Have we?” Magnus questions.

“No,” Alec admits, cursing the briefest smile that tugs at his lips over that amusing way Magnus has of pointing out the obvious. “I suppose we haven’t. But it isn’t like we can just pretend the last five years never happened, either. Like I didn’t spend months of my life so devastated I could barely get out of bed every morning I woke up alone and remembered-” Alec cuts himself off abruptly. This isn’t Magnus’ fault. He knew the risk when he brought the choice to him, he knew there was always a chance that Magnus would choose his magic. But logic has no role in the resentment he can’t seem to shake. “I’m sorry. I can’t just go back to the way things were before.”

“Don’t apologize. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. You’re right. We can’t go back... but we can move forward?” Even before Magnus finishes his suggestion Alec is shaking his head. To jump back into a relationship again would be disastrous.

“I’m not so sure that’s a great-”

“I’m not saying get back together, just... We can get coffee. Talk. See if there’s something left to salvage.”

Years of heartbreak tell him to say no, but the newfound clarity the last few minutes provided leaves him considering the offer… the potential to rectify 5 years of silent misconceptions and ill-will between both of them.

It’s just coffee, he tells himself. Another conversation, just like this one, and probably even more enlightening. Alec does have questions… so many questions he barely kept himself from asking these last two years. Worst case scenario it’s a complete disaster and they go right back to not speaking. But best case scenario?

It feels foolish to hope after all this time, but that’s exactly what Alec finds himself doing. Hoping, for the first time in years.

“Alright,” Alec agrees, surprising himself with the sudden confidence he feels in the decision. “But you’re buying.”

“Anything you say, Alexander,” Magnus says, and this time it doesn’t hurt to hear.