#ask robie

“I’m in love with her, Alex, and I wish I’d never figured it out!”

Kara turns over in bed, uncomfortable even with the windows open and her sheets thrown back—she’s not hot exactly, just restless and overstimulated. She keeps playing the confession over and over in her head, torn between being glad that Alex finally knows and the fear of what it could mean now that she’s put this out into the universe. In truth, Kara had been looking forward to sister's night precisely because it was supposed to be a reprieve from that particular train of thought, one she’s found impossible to derail since Lex banished her to the phantom zone.

Once she’d said her feelings out loud, though, the words were impossible to stop.

Being in love isn’t supposed to feel like this. She rubs the heels of her hands on her forehead, rolls onto her back.

Kara thinks she should want to shout it from the rooftops; love should make her want to dance around her kitchen, make her want to fly. And in truth, for the briefest of moments in the Fortress, the realization that she’s in love with Lena did make her feel like she was soaring.

It was the cascade of fear about everything that love could break which tugged her back to earth, made her blood freeze in her veins and a terrible tightness radiate out from the center of her chest as if she’d plunged herself into icy water.

It’s like she explained to Alex: it’s always been near impossible for her to stop thinking about Lena, that’s been a constant since they first met.

But historically? Historically she’d focused on her best friend in ways that managed to keep herself out of the equation; the constant, repetitive questions intruding into every waking moment were always along the lines of is Lena safe, does she need something, is she under attack…

Now all Kara can seem to think about is what Lena might do if Kara were to kiss her.

And there are consequences to thoughts like that. She’s only just gotten Lena back; why would she put their relationship at risk? What if she hurts Lena, what if she breaks everything, again, only this time it’s the end of them…?

She flips onto her stomach, pulls the pillow away to lay her cheek on the cool sheet.

Tonight, instead of sinking further into her fear, Alex’s words from earlier come back to her, reminding her there are no guarantees they won’t hurt each other again, no matter what shape their relationship takes.

There’s something strangely freeing about that.

Kara’s been so focused on trying to get back to how things used to be—minus all the lying this time around—that she hasn’t spent much time thinking about whether getting back to how things used to be is even possible. The way she feels about Lena…it’s as if she spent five years flying through clouds, unable to see the ground below her but assuming it would be familiar, and suddenly everything is clear and she doesn’t recognize the topography at all.

Maybe that’s the point.

She takes a deep breath, holds it for a moment, and then releases it. She loves Lena—there’s nothing new about that—but she’s also in love with Lena and that feels very new indeed. And despite spending the last weeks after getting back from the Phantom Zone terrified that the latter will in some way compromise the former, it’s possible the reason she’s feeling so scared is that she’s been so focused on getting back to a relationship she’s only ever understood at the surface level.

Lying in bed, restless and uncomfortable, turning the conversation with Alex over and over in her mind, it occurs to Kara that this being-in-love piece that’s been throwing her for such a loop, this thing that’s so scary because of all of the ways it might change her and Lena—what if the only change is that she’s aware of it now?

Okay, she takes another deep breath and lets it go, maybe being in love with Lena doesn’t change anything at all. She turns her head, smooshes her face into the mattress, because her feelings aren’t the only variable here.

Alex seems so sure, so certain that Lena feels the same way; even the possibility is enough to catch somewhere in Kara’s chest.

Kara spins onto her back again, pulls a pillow to her chest and wraps her arms around it. Her sheets are now hopelessly tangled. She kicks at them to free her legs.

There’s a straightforward way to find out how Lena feels, of course. They’ve agreed that honesty is the only way forward, so, in theory at least, Kara could just ask.

The idea of asking Lena directly, which would mean confessing to her own feelings, makes Kara want to scream into a pillow. 

But.

But if Alex thinks she can tell how they feel about each other just by looking, and if she was right about Kara…then maybe, if Kara pays more attention to Lena and less attention to how scared she is, maybe she’ll be able to see something too.

She’s always found herself looking at Lena whenever they’re in a room together, can’t stop herself in fact, but Kara resolves that come tomorrow, she’s going to try watching with a question: 

Kara beats Lena to the restaurant—a new Cuban fusion place not far from the harbor that Kara wants to try—and asks for a table by the windows. She’s about to text Lena that she’s here and has a table, but the view means that she has the pleasure of seeing Lena walk down the sidewalk, smiling at her phone screen and texting as she approaches the front doors.

Lena looks gorgeous (distractingly so) in a navy blue t-shirt, her hair down and straight, sunglasses pushed up on her head—when Kara’s phone vibrates, it startles her enough that she nearly takes out the waters on the table knocking into it with her knee. She glances away from Lena briefly and swipes at the notification.

Walking in, are you here or should I grab a seat for us? ❤️

Kara’s smile is reflexive, and it grows bigger when she looks back up to see Lena making her way into the restaurant itself.

“Lena!” she calls out, lifting her right hand in a wave.

It isn’t like Lena hadn’t already been smiling, but Kara can tell the microsecond Lena sees her because the concentrated affection that rushes onto her best friend’s face makes her heart trip in her chest. It’s a powerful feeling, being the only thing Lena Luthor cares about in a room. 

She swallows and wills her heartbeat back into something more recognizable while Lena threads her way through the lunch crowd.

“I know you have superspeed,” Lena says quietly when she reaches Kara, the skin crinkling at the corners of her eyes as she smiles and pulls her seat back, “but just once I’d like to beat you getting somewhere.”

Kara laughs and ducks her head. “I didn’t beat you by much, I just sat down.”