#jan3rd

Guess I'm a bit late to the start of this daily blog but knowing me I'll be missing a lot of days coming ahead. I don't really know where to start so I'll just reflect on today and the last few days.

I kind of feel like I'm already starting 2023 on a rough note. I don't know the holiday season is just always a really tough and lonely time for me and with seasonal depression on top of that things have just been hard to get through. I mean I spent new years eve and christmas majorly alone and even if that is better than having to spend it with family it just felt so defeating not having anyone to actually be close to. I feel like things have just been building and hurting and I'm starting to feel disconnected from other people. Even if I know it's not true I just feel like I'm bothering others and constantly asking people to spend time with me to cover up for my loneliness and isolation. Kind of like a parsite.

I know people will say I'm not but it's hard not to feel that way when I already struggle with emotional permanence. I feel like there is just a wall and I'll always be stuck behind that and the classification of an "internet friend" or "long distance friend" to others. There is nothing wrong with that because it is true but you just feel so unimportant at times because of it. It's the feeling that you'll never come before anything in their immediate life that makes me feel like this. I feel like there's nothing wrong with that because in terms of relationships in person ones should be priority. I'm just.. Idk maybe I'm just complaining because I have no in person relationships. I feel so toxic thinking about this whole thing. It's just a woe is me, I'm acting like a baby and want attention moment it feels like. Need to get over myself

I'm probably just tired of feeling alone and in the process of trying not to feel alone I've just come to hate myself for this weakness and desperation more. Just constantly wondering if people will come to hate me if I try to cling so I shut down. It's just an unhealthy cycle and I feel like I'll be stuck feeling like this.

In other news I find myself back in a reading binge of sorts. Probably in connection with my desperation to escape reality but I start at least 1 series a day at this point. Today I read a few short GL series the main one being Handsome Girl and Sheltered Girl. I got recommended it by a friend that was making an edit of the series (10/10 edit btw). It was such a cute and interesting series.

This series should have been much and I was shocked to find out it got axed!? LIKE WHYY they even teased a gay couple developing in the last chapter. It had so much more promise and storyline it could have explored even if it still was a short series.

Also I am so upset I missed out on the hardcover barnes and noble sale! I so could have bought so many art books ughhh

I think the last thing I wanna talk about is probably what I think 2023 will have in store for me. I just know there is going to be so many changes ahead for me. From being out of school right now to moving across country later in the year. Not even mentioning the constant drama and stuff going with my family. I'm excited but filled with so many many worries that I feel overwhelmed at times. I just tell myself not to think on the what ifs and if any come up I need to just drown the thought itself. I get a lot of headaches lately though lol

I think a big realization I came to today is that while I can leave my family literally I don't think I'll be able to cut them out of my life as much I want to. So I might have to actually come out to my family so I can be more open when I am away. Idk the thought of hiding any more than I already do is mentally exhausting but so is the thought of coming out.