Year of Vulnerability

I don’t really wanna write today. It’s just another day of fighting myself mentally and pushing through. Different thoughts same message no meaning so what’s the point lmao I don’t know but the next few posts might be short like this one too.

On the plus side I think I figured out partly why I’m so sensitive and depressed right now so that’s good but it clearly means I’m still stuck in the past and triggers have been going off making me prepare for some possibility that isn’t happening. Just tiring and entirely my own delusion.

Today was another day. I be existing and stuff lmao

Im so happy because things are starting to feel a bit real and I'm so excited yet nervous about things. I feel like I will mess things up and ruin things because I've always been awful at first impressions and at times don't have the best facial expressions and reactions and it causes misunderstandings. I just want things to go well so I will stay optimistic about things the best I can tired of being a downer.

I'm just lonely and empty and hate myself right now. Nothing to really do about that but live with it, it seems. It feels like this is just my normal state in others eyes including myself. I'm just yeah it's just all tiring and I feel like I can't say anything because if I can't address my own feelings and pain then how could I expect others to help. I think I just want comfort but at the same time it feels very much like that is an impossible ask. That there is nothing I or anyone else can do to give myself comfort and all I can do is try to distract myself and make it through until who knows what. I don't really see things changing even momentary happiness just disappears quickly unless I force myself to act happy.

God I feel dramatic and I just don't understand why I'm starting to be so sensitive and quick to feel disconnected and alone when it's never like that.

Oh it's been a week of posts somehow off to a semi decent start I suppose.

I feel like today was just a lot of family issues and updates and it was truly tiring to hear everything and think about the future. I wonder if things will be okay who knows. I'm just here

I feel like I've been more sensitive and needy lately. Probably due to a mix of my loneliness and my depression but I'm doing the best I can to manage. It's just something I need to live with.

These updates are getting shorter but I'm kind of being selective with what I want to share on here.

On a different note finally planning to meet bff soon. I'm really happy but I also feel bad. Idk I struggled a lot to voice my thoughts prior and even if I was told that I'm valid in feeling that way I still just felt bad because nothing wrong was done or anything.

But also I felt really bad because they did take it all very seriously and even went to talking about planning to meet while it felt like I kept trying to move on from the conversation. I just felt really bad and I wanted to run away from things. I don't like voicing my feelings and I don't like making others feel like they need to apologize. I won't see myself as justified and I just feel worse about things like I wish I didn't feel that way.

I want to bury my feelings

It would just be easier. I know I can't do it but sometimes I wish I didn't feel the way I do especially when I'm like this.

I also wonder if what I'm feeling is just a normal level of sensitivity and emotions but I'm just not the best at handling them and get overwhelmed more than others.

Not doing this today I'm just frustrated by thoughts and I don't want to complain or enable my stupid insecurities blah blah blah

Somehow I still haven't forgotten about this anyways..

I think today I really forced myself to act happy. I feel like it was an okay day because of that but at the same time nothing really went my way today and that was frustrating. Yet I kind of pushed it down and made myself continue being happy. I just don't want to feel like a downer to others I feel like they'll get sick of it sooner or later.

The KnY premiere sold out within an hour and I wasn't able to get any tickets. I got really sad but just didn't really think about it anymore but I also need to save money so maybe it's good it didn't work out.

Today has been a but of a nothing kind of day and I really don't feel like writing much more. Nothing really interesting goes on with me so yeahhh nothing much to write unless I wanna start complaining a bunch more lmao.

This is probably gonna be a short one today I don't know I don't feel like writing much but I want to keep the streak going.

Today was a really mixed day I was really happy to see my friend, they mean so much to me and it made me happy to get to see them for the first time in a while. We spent a lot of time talking and painting and doing puzzles. I felt like it was a nice distraction from things here right now.

I spent a lot of time there and it was great but family stuff kept popping up and I often had to stop to take calls and discuss the next steps of what is going on with my grandmother and other stuff. I feel like it's just a massive headache. idk if its because of that but my depression started flaring up even though I was with them. I tried my best to act normal but I know they noticed which sucks because I feel like my mood impacted things a bit.

Towards the end I distracted myself enough for things to be okay and cheerful I think but who knows. I didn't feel like confiding in my friend about it because while they are someone that is caring and willing to listen it'd just be too much to dump on someone so suddenly.

I got to speak on the phone again too with bff which was really nice. I feel like I'm awkward a bit and leave pauses when talking asdklasjd idk I really enjoy it still but I wish I didn't overthink and act like I do a lot.

I think today was mainly okay and I right now I feel pretty neutral/not thinking about things which is like good in my opinion. Idk sometimes I feel like that's the best I should hope for, nothing wrong with that just wonder why I hate the idea of being happy maybe because it doesnt last?? who cares lmao I'll try to be easier on myself in this area if I can help it.

Well looks like I forgot to write the second part for yesterday but oh well we move on and don't think about it.

I think today was a better day overall than the past few days in all honesty. I mean it was still a mixed bag kind of day but the good really carried me through the day to be honest.

To start, I've been really sleep deprived lately and today was no exception. I slept somewhere between 6-7 but I forgot about ember's appt so I had to get up at 9 to take him. Feel like that was my own fault among my other issues with sleep and my avoidance of it. But yeah very off state as usual and while I wasn't grumpy I felt a bit sensitive and just overall dread this morning.

I already feel embarrassed writing this next part cause I know they read this SAKSLDJ

I think the main turn around for the day was a phone call with my bff. I don't know it just meant so much and was just so nice. They're such a grounding person for me and I'm always so grateful with just everything. I dont know just the phone call made me finally feel like time slowed down for a second and forget about everything for a little while. It's kind of ironic since the time went by so fast on the phone LMAO. Really it was the sense of connection for me through the phone call. I know that I am always connected with them and I bother them literally all day but mental illness and boundaries just makes me feel disconnected when I know that isn't it all.

I feel like that left me with a lot of serotonin and feeling of ease like I was okay for the day. I feel like they do that a lot for me :( I tried to make myself sleep but I couldn't really force it so I read manga until I passed out for like 40 minutes. It was really short and I felt more tired when I woke up but I think it's probably good I got a bit more rest.

The rest of today felt slow. I didn't know what to really do but I ended up cutting my hair since it has been a bit. I think I'm always frustrated with my hair. It feels like there is nothing I can do with it and Ive just had the same overall short hair style my whole life. If it grows past a certain point it just becomes too curly to manages and dries out super fast. I wish I could experience a different hairstyle but that feels like a reach both from logical standpoints and from my lack of self esteem on the matters. I feel like id just look weird doing something new. One day I should try dyeing it maybe I wanna try.

Thinking about the future there is just so much that feels overwhelming but at the same time I know I'm not completely alone regarding it. I don't really wanna talk about the things changing in the future but maybe my worries.

Ive been so worried about the future and meeting people. I am someone who is so bad at first impressions and worried about upsetting others. I know that I would try my hardest to get along and not cross lines with people but Ive begun wondering if any of my habits would cause any issues. I just don't want to be hated or do something off putting especially since I can be unaware of things at times.

On a separate but slightly connected note I feel like I should try to be more outgoing and form an actual friendship. I think I am still acting a bit stand offish and shy and thats because I really am but also like what if I am hated lmaoo I usually don't care if others hate me because I am mostly disconnected from people but it feels like I can't be like that right now. It helps nothing and my anxiety won't let me.

Sometimes I really wonder if I ever let myself breathe or am I just someone stuck in an endless loop of mental illness and self deprecation lmao

I'll never really know but I don't think the answer matters as long as I don't cause others to feel suffocated by my issues and presence.

I think tomorrow might be a bit of a better day. I might see a friend in person that I haven't seen in like 7 months. So that might be interesting.

Guess it's day two of the blog. Not much has changed since yesterday but here we go.

To start I don't think I feel much different from yesterday. I have my moments of being okay but majorly things are the same and I still feel a bit stuck with this feeling. I kind of want to be taken care of at times and cared for like I do for others but it feels like that's something I probably won't ever get. But whatever this is my issue so expecting others to care seems deluded lmao

I'm just still self centered and childish it seems. Just don't want to be stuck with my own feelings while being expected to help others. ugh whatever I'm just a crybaby and ignoring those that do try to be there.

Maybe I've just always been so closed off that people assume they don't need to be there for me. It feels like my fault I suppose I don't even talk to many people but there is genuinely maybe one person that asks how I'm doing like actually and even then I just say okie 90% of the time because I don't want to actually gauge my current state. I think I'm rarely okay and I feel helpless admitting that.

It's such an ironic thought and anxiety. I want to be taken care of yet I do no want to come across as something that needs to be taken care of or someone that appears like a burden. So I just shut down and shut up. I guess because I don't care about myself it's easier to assume that others don't either.

I started posting on social media more lately. I feel like I have much more alone time lately and I should just find ways to waste and open up more even if slightly. I've just started posting about my manga reads on tiktok. I think it'll be something I continue to do throughout the year along with this blog. There's no real point in it but that's okay I like to think. If I tried to find a point in most things I wouldn't be doing anything really.

I miss talking to actual people and I've been taking note of how long I go without speaking and I go very long without speaking a word at times. I catch myself thinking I'm talking but really I'm just thinking lmao am I losing it?? I have no idea but sometimes I wonder if there would be any change if I decided to just stop speaking all together for awhile.

Guess I'm a bit late to the start of this daily blog but knowing me I'll be missing a lot of days coming ahead. I don't really know where to start so I'll just reflect on today and the last few days.

I kind of feel like I'm already starting 2023 on a rough note. I don't know the holiday season is just always a really tough and lonely time for me and with seasonal depression on top of that things have just been hard to get through. I mean I spent new years eve and christmas majorly alone and even if that is better than having to spend it with family it just felt so defeating not having anyone to actually be close to. I feel like things have just been building and hurting and I'm starting to feel disconnected from other people. Even if I know it's not true I just feel like I'm bothering others and constantly asking people to spend time with me to cover up for my loneliness and isolation. Kind of like a parsite.

I know people will say I'm not but it's hard not to feel that way when I already struggle with emotional permanence. I feel like there is just a wall and I'll always be stuck behind that and the classification of an "internet friend" or "long distance friend" to others. There is nothing wrong with that because it is true but you just feel so unimportant at times because of it. It's the feeling that you'll never come before anything in their immediate life that makes me feel like this. I feel like there's nothing wrong with that because in terms of relationships in person ones should be priority. I'm just.. Idk maybe I'm just complaining because I have no in person relationships. I feel so toxic thinking about this whole thing. It's just a woe is me, I'm acting like a baby and want attention moment it feels like. Need to get over myself

I'm probably just tired of feeling alone and in the process of trying not to feel alone I've just come to hate myself for this weakness and desperation more. Just constantly wondering if people will come to hate me if I try to cling so I shut down. It's just an unhealthy cycle and I feel like I'll be stuck feeling like this.

In other news I find myself back in a reading binge of sorts. Probably in connection with my desperation to escape reality but I start at least 1 series a day at this point. Today I read a few short GL series the main one being Handsome Girl and Sheltered Girl. I got recommended it by a friend that was making an edit of the series (10/10 edit btw). It was such a cute and interesting series.

This series should have been much and I was shocked to find out it got axed!? LIKE WHYY they even teased a gay couple developing in the last chapter. It had so much more promise and storyline it could have explored even if it still was a short series.

Also I am so upset I missed out on the hardcover barnes and noble sale! I so could have bought so many art books ughhh

I think the last thing I wanna talk about is probably what I think 2023 will have in store for me. I just know there is going to be so many changes ahead for me. From being out of school right now to moving across country later in the year. Not even mentioning the constant drama and stuff going with my family. I'm excited but filled with so many many worries that I feel overwhelmed at times. I just tell myself not to think on the what ifs and if any come up I need to just drown the thought itself. I get a lot of headaches lately though lol

I think a big realization I came to today is that while I can leave my family literally I don't think I'll be able to cut them out of my life as much I want to. So I might have to actually come out to my family so I can be more open when I am away. Idk the thought of hiding any more than I already do is mentally exhausting but so is the thought of coming out.