to every endgame-compliant Steve Rogers: why did you leave him?

i want to clarify that im mad at you but its not personal. a lot of things were different when im from and its not right for me to be mad at someone i dont really know. but im mad on his behalf. im mad because if the steve i knew left me it wouldve killed me again.

was it because you didnt believe him? or you didnt feel the same way? i dont mean romantically, i know not every version of me felt like that about their version of you and that not every version of you felt like that about your version of me. but literally. did you think that his always wasnt always?

was he that much of a burden?

did you forget what it was like waking up 70 years in the future, alone and scared in a world that moved on without you? what if id been there then. what if id been there and then left you. wouldnt you feel alone? wouldnt you feel afraid, and abandoned, and like you managed to break something so bad id rather live in a world where youre still there under the ice and i dont do anything about it?

did you even care about him at all? because from where im sitting it doesnt fucking look like it. after everything he went through with you. after everything you went through for him. did you ever care?

i dont even blame you for wanting something else. god knows i wish things couldve turned out any other way than the way they did, even if it meant you lived your life and everything else still happened to me. but if your version of me was anything like me, then he meant every promise he ever made. what made you decide this was the end of the line? if youd both lived through the war, was that how you wanted things to be with him? "thanks for the memories, buck, lets go be heroes but somewhere far away from each other."

and if you really didnt intend to ever change anything, did he really matter so fucking little to you that youd passively live through all of his suffering and just let it happen? because you know what? thats fucked up. you had someone who regardless of the nature of his feelings for you wouldve gone back into hell to save you again and again and again. and i dont know, maybe your version of me was a total dick, but i know that he saved you in the end. you wouldve died without him. logically nobody else could have saved you. so why did you leave him?

why would you have left me?

-james barnes (doesnt feel right signing by my nickname. i didnt know you and you didnt know me. im not your bucky. but i think your bucky deserves your fucking honesty if he even wants to be your bucky at this point. i wouldnt.)

now it's more of a feeling, i think. being able to ruminate on what i've lost and gained - both in the life i once lived and in this one - seems to best reflect that word for me. a home is a space that you can find comfort in, somewhere or something that reminds you every day is worth falling asleep and waking up again.

i got a lot closer with natasha within the past couple of years. she's in a really good, loving relationship now, and i couldn't be happier for her - especially since i'm friendly with the guy now, too. he is really good to her. it makes me happy to see her feeling the happiness she deserves after everything she's gone through.

i've got steve again, too, and although we aren't living in the city anymore, we're pretty close by it. in fact i think it's probably better that we aren't.. lol. being able to have breakfast with him, share long talks during nights when it's harder to fall asleep, and just be with him again really gives me something to look forward to in life. we were just discussing getting engaged this year, too... who would have thought?

i also finally went to college, met some really kind people there that i now consider good friends. didn't have to put up a front or anything like that. i had forgotten that school could be fun. for once it wasn't about impressing anyone or getting the highest grades or whatever. it felt really nice to be appreciated for me.

being surrounded by good people, having a purpose in life again - i think that's home enough for me.

-james barnes.

I am 17 years old, so rather you're comfy interacting with me or not is up to you! I'm not very picky.

Spoilers ahead;

For I guess a little bit of info; I follow the canon tl of all three captain America movies, however my Steve never.. went back in time , hence didn't die. However I guess in relation to the new series, it's.. semi accurate. In a way, obviously Cap didn't die, so me and Falcon never interacted in THAT way, instead we just kinda met throught having Cap as a mutual bond. And slolwy I think we became friends? Atleast I saw him as one, any Sam kins can tell me if the feeling was mutual heh

I did get therapy and such however , and i lived in a place very similar to that of TFATWS. In my canon, i still had long hair, and a robotic arm, but I don't really remember how my arm..looked.

I had a very secretive crush on Steve, I dont remember if he ever found out thought.

As to not ramble your head off, I'll finish it off there, but please please interact if you're someone with a semi-similar canon. Or I'm happy for Captain America kins who may have a different canon too, i just really really miss you haha