#jaimi

Shein happens.

Meet Shein, a fusion of Violet (purple addisona), Blu (blue addison), Levi (yellow addison), Jaimi (Orange addison) and Icarus (pink addison oc).

"Green? You must be blind. There is no green here....not anymore...."

Tagging: @no-url-ideas-tho, @golden-eyed-writer, @note-katha, @theshadowsofthenight, @cjjameswriting, @jaimistoryteller, @inkdropsonroses, @thewrittenpost, and any other followers who want to.

- Be a girl or woman

- Be named Jaimie

So just as a general comment to start things off, everyone LOST THEIR DAMN MINDS on last night’s episode, including and perhaps especially Nick. SIX women went home, basically half of who was left, and at this point it’s looking like Nick is either going to run off with a local or possibly try to propose to Andi again. But anyway, let’s start at the beginning.

We pick up where we left off last week, with Taylor interrupting Nick and Corinne’s dinner date to talk some more shit about Corinne. Nick’s face when she shows up is the face of a man who knows that this conversation is the only thing standing between him and getting a BJ in the backseat of the limo on the way home. During their talk, Taylor basically says Corinne is a crazy liar, and Nick is like “yeah I know, it’s totally hot.” Then Taylor has to admit defeat and go home, and Corinne decides to take the crazy up a notch by referring to Nick as her boyfriend.

Next up is supposed to be the cocktail party, but they skip straight to the rose ceremony because Nick actually hates all of the women. The dress code for the evening is that at least 80% of your boobs have to be showing or else you’re getting cut. Jaimi, Josephine, and Alexis end up getting sent home. Jaimi tries to have a meaningful goodbye with Nick, who literally could not give less of a fuck and is probably just pissed he never got to see nudes of her and her ex-girlfriend. The loss of Alexis is a devastating blow to New Jersey and to Americans everywhere, but lucky for us the producers almost definitely already have her booked for Paradise. Until then, Jersey queen.

After that it’s off to beautiful Saint Thomas, where the weather is… cloudy and super windy. The producers have cast Lorna, a kindly older woman who doesn’t deserve this, to clean the hotel room and babysit Corinne. Requirements: must have a cheese pasta recipe and the patience of a saint.

To avoid having to actually talk to the women, Nick waves at them from an airplane before meeting them on a dock and immediately picking Kristina for a one-on-one. Whitney and Jasmine have taken up residence in the land of denial and are salty that Nick didn’t pick them for the one-on-one, despite his never showing any real sign of interest in either of them.

Kristina is actually pretty cool and has a really intense backstory that kind of blows Nick’s whole “I got dumped twice on national television” thing out of the water. A lot of these women are actually really interesting and smart and I just am at a loss for why they are even bothering with Nick?? By the end of the night, Nick has reached his quota for actually listening to one of the women talk and caps things off by grabbing a nice handful of Kristina’s ass while they dance in front of an entire group of people.

For the group date, they have a nice relaxing day of everyone getting wasted and then having emotional breakdowns on the beach. I’m still not really clear on what happened here – one minute they’re all playing volleyball and the next everyone is crying and staring forlornly out at the ocean. Rachel is amazing at volleyball too, because of course she is, and Vanessa looks like a Victoria’s Secret model but kind of behaves like a lunatic while they’re playing. Nick is confused as to why people are upset since watching half naked women compete for his attention without actually spending time with any of them is his idea of a perfect date.

The gloomy mood carries into the evening part of the date, when we all get to sit back and watch Jasmine spiral and then self-implode. She calls out Nick (bad move girl, remember Dominique) for not making an effort with her, to which Nick is basically like yeah you’re right, I literally have no interest in you. Jasmine: I just want to choke you and throw your ass on the floor, hahah!!! You know?!! She then offers to actually choke Nick out if he’s into that sort of thing, and Nick is like “nah I’m good,” marking the first time he has ever turned down something sexual in his whole life. He says goodbye and packs her off into a car where one of the producers is probably waiting with a sedative.

The final date is a 2-on-1 with Danielle L and Whitney, who prepare for it by having full-blown existential crises. They go to another beach and Nick dumps Whitney about 5 minutes into the date, once he sees Danielle and remembers how much he wants to sleep with her. Whitney ups her word count for this season to about 25 and turns out to be kind of a shady bitch, suggesting that she, a 25 year-old Pilates instructor, is more ready for a relationship than Danielle, a 27 year-old business owner. While Nick and Danielle fly away in a helicopter, Whitney stands alone on the beach, getting sand blown in her face and probably hoping the helicopter will crash.

At dinner, Danielle pours her heart out to Nick and you can literally see his face close off while she’s talking. Poor girl, she was probably feeling pretty confident and then Nick is just like JK, now that you’ve bared your soul to me I’ve realized I’m not really down. I give Danielle credit, she actually holds herself together pretty well considering she’s getting sent home too early to be the next Bachelorette. They share an emotional last hug and Nick whispers into her hair: “I’m down for breakup sex if you are.”

We pick up right where we left off last week, which is lucky for us because we get to watch Vanessa tell off Nick for a second time. Girl is not fucking around, she looks literally stunning and manages to tell Nick to stop acting like a horny teenager without sounding like his mom. I want to be her when I grow up. She is 3000% too good for him, I hope he realizes that.

Nick promises to always be honest with Vanessa and to always give a direct answer to a direct question, which is interesting because his answer to her questions about Corinne is basically just a garbled mess of “I mean… Yeah…” and shrugging. “I mean yes I do want to eat whipped cream off of Corinne’s boob but I also want to eat it off of your boob so that’s really where I am right now.”

After Nick gets a good last look at everyone in their bikinis, it’s time for the rose ceremony. Brittany and Christen get sent home, which isn’t really surprising except I thought they might keep Christen around a little longer to play out the virgin storyline. Probably Nick found out and was like “fuck that, I need to sleep with everyone at least once before the fantasy suites.” Christen takes off her heels literally the second she walks out the front door which is great and so #relatable. I’ll miss her.

Everyone is pissed and “shocked” that Corinne got a rose, but Nick is too distracted by the boner he got in the bouncy castle to really care. I am mostly just wondering what Josephine is still doing there, since she seems to be high most of the time and I think her and Nick have exchanged a total of like 4 words so far. Maybe they’re keeping her around for Bachelor in Paradise.

The next day, the women are sitting around doing their usual activity of drinking wine at 10am, which honestly is the kind of life I aspire to. Chris Harrison arrives to tell them they’re about to embark on a journey around the world… starting with the exotic destination of Waukesha, Wisconsin, where Nick and his 35 siblings account for about 10% of the population. Everyone pretends to be excited, or maybe they’ve just gone so stir-crazy in the house that literally anywhere sounds good to them at this point.

In Wisconsin, we see Nick meet with his parents to talk about his experience so far. His mom cries because her 36 year-old son has spent the better part of the last few years on a reality dating show either sleeping with or proposing to the nearest available woman. His dad is basically just like, “stop doing this. Why are you still doing this.”

Nick makes all of the women meet him somewhere in Waukesha, only to tell them “lol bye” and take Danielle L on a one-on-one date. The date consists of them walking around while Nick points out different places where he’s hooked up with girls in the past, which is pretty much any building or patch of grass accessible to the public. They also have a “surprise” run-in with one of Nick’s ex-girlfriends (def just a former booty call who wanted to be on TV), which is so staged they may as well have shown the producers onscreen directing it. We don’t learn anything interesting from this encounter other than that Danielle is really bad at fake laughing.

That night, Nick and Danielle’s boobs have drinks and talk about their feelings. Danielle tells him that because of her parents’ divorce, she definitely doesn’t want to rush into a relationship or marriage. Has anyone told her the premise of this show? Nick gives her a rose anyway because they have great “physical chemistry”, aka he really wants to sleep with her.

For the group date, they go to a dairy farm and learn how to take care of cows. The women all pretend to be into shoveling cow shit so that Nick doesn’t think they’re high maintenance, except for Corinne who sits outside and tries to Seamless sushi. Nick fails spectacularly at milking a cow, which prompts Jaimi to go into slightly disturbing detail about how to properly caress a teat. Clearly she learned a thing or two from her ex-girlfriend.

At the cocktail party that night, the women decide to “act in Nick’s best interest” by ganging up on Corinne. Their complaints boil down to her sleeping through a rose ceremony (lol) and the fact that she’s immature and annoying AF (fair). I’m honestly not sure why they care so much, but I guess alcohol + boredom = drama, as the producers of this show know very well. Corinne is unfazed; she responds by shoving her cleavage at the camera (a universally recognized sign of maturity), implying that Abraham Lincoln was a prolific napper, and likening herself to a juicy, buttery ear of corn. Yum.

Below is a list of foods that Corinne brings up during this episode:  

-          Tacos (preferably chicken)

-          Sushi

-          An ear of corn

-          A pickle

I think I’ve found the only other person in the world who thinks about food as much as I do.

The second one-on-one is with Raven, and it essentially turns out be a hometown date in week 4. Nick’s reason for picking her basically boils down to “I knew she would be chill and not crazy”, which is really saying something when you consider that her name is Raven. They go to his sister’s soccer game (Bella is so cute and has yet to realize that her brother is kind of a loser horndog) and then Raven meets his parents, who are probably wondering if he’s proposed to her yet.

After spending the rest of the day at a rollerblading rink, they go to dinner and Raven tells the story of how she walked in on her ex literally penetrating another woman (Raven: “I saw her vagina” Nick: “I’d like to see your vagina”). This story involves her 1) kicking in a door and 2) assaulting her ex with a stiletto; Nick watches his life flash before his eyes and glances around furtively for security. The night ends with the producers forcing them to put on rollerblades again and make out.

The episode concludes with another rose ceremony, and I don’t even remember what happened because I was too busy shouting at my TV for Corinne and Taylor to shut the fuck up. The argument is basically Taylor telling Corinne she has “low emotional intelligence” and then being surprised when Corinne gets pissed off. Taylor is condescending, Corinne is unstable, and neither of them are mature enough to marry a 36 year-old man that they’ve known for 2 months. The end.

Shein happens.

Meet Shein, a fusion of Violet (purple addisona), Blu (blue addison), Levi (yellow addison), Jaimi (Orange addison) and Icarus (pink addison oc).

"Green? You must be blind. There is no green here....not anymore...."